Seven Years Ago

When they finally got back to the cabin they found a note from Sam taped to the door saying he'd ordered the part for the oven and that they were welcome for dinner tonight. But were expected tomorrow. Beside it was Noah's scrawl saying he looked forward to meeting her soldier, which made Jay smile, and straighten his shoulders, but with a quick look she confirmed tonight was a no-go. Then she led him inside and started looking to see what their options were. Which was not much since she hadn't felt up to going into town.

Hadn't really felt up to eating.

"How do you feel about… grilled cheese and tomato soup?"

"Sounds perfect." Jay replied and though he gave her space to work he wasn't idle, in fact took his time to search for the plates and cutlery.

But while it was calm between them now there was still an undercurrent of tension, that understanding of more hard conversations to come.

And since the longer they were quiet the sadder he looked she decided to start. "This wasn't how I wanted to introduce you to this place, but I shouldn't be surprised. We never do things the conventional way."

"I like that about us." He said with a smile, hesitating slightly before he ran a steady hand down her back.

She did too.

"My grandparents bought this cabin when my dad was a kid- he and Sam grew up together. We came every summer, every holiday, we'd even drive down after school most Friday's so we could spend the weekend here, even when the weather was lousy. We all loved it."

"What's it like being back?"

"Strange. When I think of the girl who lived here… She would be horrified by who I am now. It's my past self, I know what I'd think." Tess added quickly, well aware Jay would disagree and sure enough he gave her a hard look, but after a couple seconds begrudgingly nodded in understanding.

"Part of her would be. The other part would be proud she's such a badass."

Yeah.

She would.

"Being here hurts. But, it's a good hurt. This place is still home. I didn't know if it would be, but it is."

That must've been what he was looking for because more of the tension released from his shoulders, at least before they squared as he held out the plates. She hadn't realized she was done. And she still wasn't hungry.

"If you're not going to eat, I'm not going to either." He said casually and though it was small there was a hopeful smirk on his lips that automatically made hers curl up.

He was still home too.

It was such a relief her knees went so weak she needed him to hold her up, relaxing further his firm kiss on the side of her head. Don't stop fighting. How could she?

With him at her side she could fight forever.

So she took an extra minute to appreciate him before she pulled back, letting him grab their food before he followed her to the coffee table, since her dad insisted on not having a dining table. Said it was too formal. For this place, since her mom insisted on one in their main home. Jay smiled when she told him that, at every tidbit she shared, but none more than when he discovered some of her moms old Bacardi Breezers; his grin when he pointed out it was the same brand Lydia liked, just a different flavour imprinted in her brain.

"You want me to turn the heat on?" He asked when they moved to the couch and she burrowed into his side, his furnace-like nature helpful with the October weather. As predictable as the way he squinted and tilted his head when she shook her head. "That's broken too, isn't it?"

"Yup."

"What have you been doing to keep warm?"

"Blankets. Someone is coming in a couple days to look at it."

Jay just huffed, shaking his head with a grin that was both annoyed and amused. "Is there anything else that doesn't work?"

"Shower wasn't great but I fixed that. Just needed a bit of duct tape." She couldn't help but laugh at his next look but that quickly flipped to shame at just how run down it had become. How she'd let it become.

"Well I'll be looking at the shower tomorrow." He said softly as he tugged her closer. "I'm here- I want to help."

Of course he did. Tess had always wanted to show him this place, and didn't like it was happening this way but… who knew when she would've made her way back?

Which brought her from thinking about why he was here to how. "About that-"

"She didn't tell me what happened." Jay said somberly, though he watched her carefully. "She just told me where you were."

"She wasn't supposed to tell you anything."

He sucked in a slow breath, nodding in understanding before his brows furrowed with rare confusion. "You're really mad at her."

Yeah.

She really was.

"If it helps, she broke a promise to you to keep one to me." He continued slowly and it annoyed her but that did make her feel a little better.

Just not enough.

"She told my superiors I was needed for a top-secret mission and that I'd be back in a few weeks-"

"Weeks?"

She thought they'd have a few days before he would have to go, and was already unsure how to go with him or stay without him but she wouldn't have to choose. Not for weeks. And by then- in that time she could show him the whole island, every place she loved.

Jay nodded with a boyish grin, putting his drink down before he ran his hand along the side of her face. "So come up with a list of all the manly chores you want done- I'm your guy."

Always had been. Right from the beginning. Drawing on that past it only took him a few minutes to start 'searching' for some cards, because she knew where they were but for his look of triumph when he found them she was happy to let him snoop. Especially for his incredulous look when he realized they were her mothers Chippendale ones.

It was a lot, to have swirling around in her head but she did her best to focus on the game and before she knew it the room had grown dark and she was trying to hide her yawns. Sleeping didn't scare her anymore, not with him here, but getting ready for sleep… There was no rush, he'd take guard duty if she asked him to, maybe without but she also knew while she'd be fine to hide until the bruises faded he wouldn't be. He never pushed, but Jay always wanted to see her injuries. Sometimes she thought it was a twisted penance for not joining the agency, or maybe for leaving the military altogether but she also knew it was just who he was. The cop, the soldier. The hero.

So when she failed to hide her next yawn and he gently slipped the cards from her hands she knew there was no point delaying the inevitable.

"I can sleep h-"

"No. I want you with me, it just… It wasn't gentle." Once again she couldn't bring herself to look at him but she knew the moment he understood. Could feel the rage that filled him and how hard he worked to push it back until it was nothing but a hoarseness in his voice.

"Together, okay?"

But with her leading because he didn't stand until she did, stopping only long enough to grab his duffle before she led them into her bedroom. She watched quietly as he absentmindedly shook his head at the pile of blankets on the bed while going through his bag, touched he'd brought all her favourites but hurt by how hard he was trying to hide his pain. And just like earlier she was hit with a wave of shame that was immediately met by one of rage.

"I was terrified." Jay froze immediately but after a second gave a small nod and turned back around, face stoic but eyes torn between fear for what she was about to share and gratitude she was. "Not of him. He… he was nothing."

It didn't matter she could still see his face, hear his voice, feel his touch- he didn't matter. Regardless of how what she'd done made her feel, he didn't make her feel anything. He had lost everything because he cared more about getting his dick wet than he did anything else and he hadn't even been good at that. Her body was a weapon in every sense of the word and though it still made her sick to think of how she'd used it Tess knew she had nothing to be ashamed of. It didn't stop her from feeling it, but mentally she knew she didn't deserve it.

For a moment she was back in the Med Bay, curled in his arms on that tiny, rickety bed with his lips pressed against her ear.

"I know I'll get through this because you showed me I'm strong enough to get through anything. You make me not afraid. I don't want you to be afraid of me-"

The next thing she knew he was holding her face, all that fear forged into certainty. "Never. I could never be afraid of you."

"But you are."

"I'm not afraid of you Tess, I'm afraid to hurt you." Jay insisted, horrified at the thought, at all the ways he imagined he could but while that broke her heart it also dumped a bucket of glue over it.

"You won't."

One second. One second where his eyes scanned hers then she was yanked into him, not gentle, not careful, just as needy as she was, his head buried so deep in her hair she almost didn't hear his whispers. Almost. I promise. They held each other for so long she actually drifted off, her instincts stopping her from tilting at the same time he did, his hand as warm as he ran it down her back as his eyes when he raised a brow. As his sad half smile when she nodded.

This was everything they'd feared since they'd first met, a nightmare come true but… It was also a relief. The awful thing they had been waiting for had finally happened and now they would move forward. Even as strained as things were between them right now, this 'break' in their relationship, they both knew it was bullshit.

They were to the end.

And whatever came after.

The fear dissipated and as one she raised her arms as he lifted her sweater, his eyes immediately darting between the bruises before slowly examining each one but though they got darker he stayed calm. He still silently asked permission to touch her but he didn't linger as long as she'd expected, which wasn't to say he didn't memorize them. And once he had he knelt and slid her leggings down, the very act she had been so terrified of and though Tess was overwhelmed it wasn't just with sadness. It was love too. Four days later and her body still physically ached but where Jay's hands touched the pain left and where his lips followed relief sunk in. Even her old scars, ones he'd seen hundreds of times before. Tess wouldn't have known he was crying if she hadn't felt his tears but neither of them wiped them away.

"Still mine." He whispered when he at last stood, threading his fingers through her hair as he rested his head against hers.

"To whatever end." She promised, sneaking a kiss to his wrist when he pressed one to her hair, which earned her another before he pulled back and tugged off his Henley.

He didn't give her nearly as long but her eyes found his own scars, first the ones on his throat before the one on his arm they shared, along his side from the convoy attack, on his knee from the same day. Not as many but they hurt just the same. Jay didn't love her giving him a comforting hug, no more kisses yet but he took it, because he matched it, close behind as she crawled into bed though he pulled back quickly.

"You don't have heat, but you're keeping the window open?"

"Yup." She said with a bright smile she knew would drive him crazy, but he just shook his head and gently ran his thumb along her jaw. "I love you Jay Halstead."

That made him smile and he leaned in to kiss her forehead, no hesitation this time, then pulled her down so her head was just above his heart; her favourite place in the world. "I love you too Tess Danvers. And nothing is ever going to change that."