Present Day

How much longer was this going to go on? How many people from her past could be dug up, how many trauma's relived? How many did she have?

That was the really terrifying thought. Not trusting people was one thing, sad and anxiety inducing for sure but she could handle some isolation but how was she supposed to stop a disaster? Bullets and bombs weren't any easier to anticipate than a betrayal and they were at least double the destruction.

How bad was this going to get?

A subtle tap against her foot had her eyes locking with Voight, Hank now but there was no space in her to appreciate his somber respect, or his quiet outrage, their because although she couldn't bring herself to look around she knew everyone felt the same. Knew they understood the choice and even that their own reactions were making her want to scream but as nice as that was it didn't help. It was just another reason to scream but she didn't want to, not here, not now, not for this.

She had cried enough over this.

So with a short nod she followed Jay down the hall, silent until he pulled her into the closet she'd been wishing for just a minute ago. Time could move so fast. Or so slow. His hands flitted over her until she pressed them in, she'd been covered in blood more times than she could count and while she rarely liked it if it was his hands she didn't give a fuck. Not so long as it wasn't his. Not when his touch was the only anchor she had and when he understood that he didn't just hold, he grabbed. Tight, until she stopped seeing things that weren't in front of her, until she smelt moss instead of expensive cologne, chocolate and coffee instead of vodka and the acidic tang of cleaning supplies instead of sweat. Until he gave his own quiet 'fuck it' and tangled one hand in her hair, blocking out the memories of another set of hands, ones that weren't tender even in their ferocity, didn't touch with love even when overcome with lust. And when he started whispering that she was okay, she was safe, she was strong, smart, beautiful and could rip his fucking head off if she wanted he pushed out every inkling of shame, every worry of unworthiness. They weren't true. Sheknewthey weren't and not just in her head anymore but in her fucking bones but… But there was a truth that hadn't been shared.

That needed to be.

"It was the first time."

A year ago she would've been able to see every reaction on Jay's face as he had them but apparently he'd picked up more than she'd intended to teach because he had his own mask now. She could still see through it but she had to work a lot harder, and got a lot less, relying on her knowledge of him to discern how deeply his concern shifted to confusion to certainty.

To rage.

"They did itagain?" He asked lowly and though his aura of wrath lessened slightly as she shook her head Tess didn't relax.

He hadn't been mad at her before, and she really doubted he would be now but that was a certainty she felt distantly, overshadowed by her regret for keeping this to herself for so long.

"I did it. Twice. Three times. Once so someone else wouldn't have to and twice because I just wanted it to be my choice, fully mine and because I thought I was reclaiming something, and I think I did but I still should have told you-"

When she'd been raped it taken Jayweeksto kiss her, but not now.

Now he yanked her into him and took her mouth not with heat, or even force really but with deep, deep surety. The kind that made her sure too, that told her exactly what to say when he finally pulled away and raised a brow.

"You don't care."

"I do not." He repeated evenly, though his hold on her tightened.

"I don't have anything to be ashamed of."

"You donot." He repeated, more firmly this time but with a deep breath the tension in his shoulders started to ease. Briefly.

"You should care a little-"

"Tess-"

"Jay your girlfriend is telling you she slept with people for her job, you should at least have a reaction." He gave her one, huffing and shaking his head in annoyance before he… smiled? It was hard to see in the dark but she'd trained for situations like this and that…

That was asmirk.

"What's that for?"

"Remember how it didn't bother you when I slept with Erin? Or Gabby? Or Ali, or anyone after my discharge?"

She could hear the grin in his voice, feel the smugness in his hands as he fixed her hair, not just confident in his victory but cocky about it. And why shouldn't he be?

She hated it but the asshole was right.

Right, fair and fucking smart.

"I love you."

Asshole.

"We've got this. Whatever they're here for, we can handle it." Jay continued, seriously but still unruffled, a sharp contrast from five minutes ago.

"You know I don't care about what you did, right?"

He nodded, the steady hand he ran down her hair telling her not just that he appreciated her checking in but that he did. "I know."

"It was deserved-"

"Damn right it was." He cut her off quietly but darkly, his anger only pushed down to help with hers which was why he shuddered when she cupped his jaw but it didn't take long for him to soften. "You're-'

"That was yours to take. And it was really hot."

He snorted a laugh before his forehead thumped against hers, at last taking the comfort he needed. They held each other up until the adrenaline slowly left their systems, leaving only calm in its place.

Calm and cool understanding.

"You know-"

"I know." He said gently, of course already knowing where her mind had gone.

He was spending more time there than she was lately, a role reversal she was still getting used to but couldn't deny she appreciated. And wasn't that the point? Wasn't that all they needed?

"And I know everything he throws at you is just making you stronger."

"Making us stronger." She corrected, holding onto that instead of the fear that wanted to overtake her because even though they didn't have proof this was intentional chances were it was and that infuriated her.

But it didn't scare her. She wouldn't let it.

They were the ones to fear.

Feeling more settled she took her turn to kiss him then went to head back, pausing when Jay pointed out her white shirt was no longer so white but only for a second. Just long enough to confirm she didn't care. About three months out of the Farm she'd realized that as much as she might like nice things she didn't have the luxury of being vain and after about a year she'd realized she liked it. Not dealing with bloodstains, that was always annoying but it was nothing compared to the satisfaction of people backing away at the sight of her; whether out of fear or repulsion it was the recognition of a fighter and that was better than any stripes. And Jay agreed because he declined taking a moment to clean his hands, though that seemed more out of a desire to subtly threaten the unknown Canadian operative. He was still in the breakroom when they walked back into the bullpen and though he noted them he just gave a nod and continued looking around, his genuine curiosity making her want to like him.

"Can we trust him?" Voight asked when they came to a stop in front of him and she felt a surge of appreciation for how much their relationship had grown, for the trust they now had in each other.

"Cas hasn't given me a reason not to."

The older man nodded, as reassured as he could be while still looking mildly disgruntled about where that reassurance came from, boomers, an appraisal he noted based on the dry look he shot her. But it was quick to soften, back to that combination of disgusted, enraged and respecting. The same way everyone was looking at her, except in three people those emotions were a lot stronger, with an added horror that had her silently swearing she would do everything in her power to make sure their understanding never came from real experience. Not any more than they already had.

The sudden fierceness in their stares had Tess's chest going warm, tight but warm, and she realized they weren't the only ones showing their solidarity. Hank, Kevin and Adam were all giving their own to Jay and they weren't the only ones. Her next glance into the breakroom showed the man watching them, subtly but with an undeniable air of approval and…

Gratitude?

Seeing their attention on him he ambled out, shooting a half smile that he held even when no one returned it. "Joel Wilson. Suicide."

She appreciated his pre-emptive explanation of his last name, because she knew as soon as she heard it that it most likely wasn't his but no one else did and their response was to take it as a threat. Which, again, although he gave no outward sign she swore he approved of.

And not for his sake.

But for his and everyone else's she would clarify. "It's trade language. For some operatives civilian identities are killed when an operative is comprised, for some, it's a requirement of taking the job."

A year ago that statement would've worried everyone in here, to varying extents but they'd all felt it, but now there was just quiet respect for the profession and those who chose it.

And some unwarranted and more than a little insulting confusion.

"The Canadians?" Adam questioned, though he quickly shot her and the man, Joel, a hasty smile.

"We're a very large reason the Geneva Conventions exist." Joel answered simply and the ease with which he turned to Jay, and how honestly he held his hard stare told her that while he wasn't afraid to cross lines he had his own he stood by.

That didn't tell her what those lines were but a code was a code and having one was always better than not.

"Is that how you fight?"

"I fight as hard as I need to, to save the people who need saving."

That was a good answer.

Could be that was all it was but as much as she didn't want to unfairly judge someone she wasn't going to take unnecessary risks either. Both of which he understood.

"We don't have to work together." He offered quietly and though it didn't make sense she swore there was something familiar about his voice. "You're more than capable of handling this yourself, I can just give you the information and go."

They could. It would be the smarter choice, it wasn't like he and Paquette weren't on her radar now but her instincts were telling her to let this play out and something… Something else was telling Tess that while he wanted to leave she would regret it if she let him.

"So long as you fight with us and not against us, and so long as you know I'll make you regret it if you do, then we're good."

He, Joel, sucked in a quiet but deep breath before giving a small nod and for the first time she realized his eyes were green. "I'll never fight against you."