"How many snacks do you need? It's a five-hour drive."

"First of all, you can never have too many snacks. Second, I do plan on sharing and third, it's going to be longer than that because we're going to stop off and see the sights. Maybe. If we feel like it."

By that he meant if she felt like it but though Tess knew they were watching her she didn't give any indication she'd heard. They'd say otherwise but she knew neither her approval nor her disapproval was going to change anything- her plan to do this alone had died the minute Jay showed up so what were a few more passengers? What harm could a couple of stops do?

'Please! We can't leave without saying goodbye, it'll only take a minute!'

'Dad says it's not smart to drive on an empty stomach, we should eat before we go.'

'Come on mom, we won't be back for weeks, don't you want one more swim?'

'How can you say no to Sam's famous elk burgers?'

'We have to stay now; it's the last bonfire of the season!'

Hush little tempest.

Her parents' voices floated through her mind, clearer than she had heard them in a long time and just like every time they spoke she listened. Would they get louder when they got to Victoria? Would they go away again when she went back to Chicago? Both thoughts hurt and she had to close her eyes to stop her tears from falling, pretending that the breeze on her cheek was her mother's hand, the heaviness on her shoulder her father's.

The slightest crunch of gravel let her know Noah had arrived, he was quieter than even Mouse, sidling up beside her where she stared at Greg's rental jeep. "You okay?"

"You ever hear their voices?"

"Yeah." He said quietly, with a thickness that reminded her she wasn't the only one who'd loved them.

They might be gone, but they'd never be forgotten.

Not in this generation anyway.

"You want me to drive?"

"Not right now. Maybe later." She answered with a shake of her head but she grabbed his arm when he went to put his bag in the back. "I'm glad you're coming."

As nice as it had been to see him there was a tension between them that hadn't dissipated yet so the soft smile he gave her had her close to tears again. "I wouldn't miss it."

"Shotgun!"

And then she couldn't help but laugh when Mouse tripped Jay so he could jump in the front seat. His friend looked like he might drag him out before he saw her reaction and relaxed, quickly patting her back before he got in the backseat. "We're taking turns. We got a lot of stops after all."

"Fuck yea. Road trip!" Mouse shouted again, sticking his tongue out at Jay before he grinned at Noah and winked at her, though the hand he rested on her knee when she got behind the wheel was sincere, full of comfort and understanding.

It was time to go home.

She was grateful Isiah hadn't wanted to come too because as much as she loved him it was a full car and they weren't even on the highway before Tess began wondering what it would've been like if she'd done this alone. A lot quieter to start. Though to be fair aside from singing along to the radio and playing, then refusing to play I Spy with Mouse everyone was pretty quiet. Giving her the time if not the space to get lost in her head, just without the cryfest she would have had on her own. And while part of her yearned for that, for the catharsis that came from screaming out your pain she couldn't deny having company was nice. How was she supposed to not enjoy Mouse's excitement when he saw the goats climbing the roofs in Coombs?

Or when Jay imitated him imitating the giant gnome in Nanaimo?

Or every time Noah shook his head at their antics before he joined in, the blending of her past and present that had paralyzed her with fear for the last decade?

How was she supposed to be sad when they kept making her laugh?

Kept showering her with love?

Tess honestly didn't know, at least until they started their drive up the Malahat and she was violently reminded, so many memories assaulting her it took genuine effort not to scream.

The way her parents had all but shoved her into the car, refusing to stay one more night like she'd begged because she needed to get ready for school.

The way they'd laughed when she'd collapsed in the back, worn out from the day's fun but still grumbling about having to leave.

How they'd stopped at the same Tim Hortons they had just under an hour ago to get her a hot chocolate, how it burnt her tongue when she'd drank it too quickly.

How she'd fallen asleep and forgotten about it until her mother's frightened gasp woke her, a slim flash of black on the road before the car jerked. The grating sound of metal as their car tore through the guard rail.

How the air had smelt like burning chocolate when she'd woken on the hillside and tried to get close, convinced she could hear them screaming for help, even after the paramedics explained that had been her.

The memories got stronger the closer they got to the spot it had happened, so many she wondered if all of them were real, if she was really going to be able to do this. And then it was done. She got a second to see the new guardrail, to peer across the road into the forest below, so quiet now, so pretty, then were past it. Tess didn't feel any better, felt like she was barely holding on, like she might float away until a warm hand settled on her thigh.Jay.Then Noah's was on her shoulder, Mouse reaching around her seat to hold her waist, their touches anchors that kept her grounded, kept her hands straight on the wheel instead of jerking it to join her family. She'd never thought she'd do that, not beyond those first few weeks after the accident but if they hadn't been here… She wasn't so sure anymore.

Tess didn't like that thought, and she definitely didn't like that all of them knew she'd thought it but it was what it was. And considering she hadn't tried to join her parents in the afterlife maybe this wasn't going to be as bad as she'd feared. She'd gotten past the hardest part after all- all that was left now was sight-seeing.

She'd missed that smell.

Sea salt and kelp, before it started rotting on the beaches, complimented by the cry of seagulls in the distance- she was home. Her hearts home. Tess had worried she'd never love another city the way she did Victoria, then that her love for Chicago was somehow unfair, that it would overshadow all the good memories she had here but now that she was here she knew she'd worried for nothing. She could love both, not the same way but just as strongly, as deeply. The way she loved the two men beside her.

Everyone had expected Mouse and Noah would room together, even she had but when they'd been going to sleep last night the bed had felt empty without him. She had. So she'd gone to his room and brought him over, and tried to bring Noah too but he hadn't come; just kissed her forehead and said he was going to take advantage of her footing the hotel bill. Which was fair. It was also fair that he wasn't ready to be so close to her again, or that he didn't feel comfortable being so close to Jay and Mouse. Speaking of the former was awake.

She could feel him watching her, not with apprehension anymore but still a lot of sadness. "I'm okay."

"You're not." He said quietly and though her heart sank it warmed when he sat up beside her, his fingers trailing soothingly down her back. "But you will be. You're the strongest person I've ever known."

"Except for Katherine."

The snort from the man to her left made that warmth spread and when he started laughing she couldn't help but join in, the wholeness she'd been longing for filling her when his eyes finally met hers. Not the same, but just as strong.

Just as deep.

He didn't sit up but his hand also settled on her back, his sky blue eyes looking through her the way they did lines of code. "I hate that this happened to you. I hate that we all knew it was going to. That we couldn't stop it."

"I don't blame you."

"I know." Greg replied with a smile, genuine but still heavy. "He's right, you're going to get through this. But you gotta go through it. We all do. You were raped and we-"

"It wasn't-"

"Don't."

It was Jay who cut her off, roughly, more emotion than he'd shown all week and he was refusing to look at her.

No.

The emotion he'd been holding in all week. For her.

"I know what he did. The handler. But the target… he didn't know-"

"He knew he was buying you. He looked at you like you were a whore-"

"People look at me like a whore when the three of us are at the bar together." That got him to turn to her. Eyes like a forest in a storm and for the first time his touch hardened, his hand gripping her shoulder with a desperation she didn't often see in him.

The only thing that could have let her speak her own.

"I don't know what to make of it. I know it was wrong, all of it. And I will never tell you how to feel but I don't blame the target. I blame the agent. And the agency. And the world."

That was the crux of it. Not what had been done to her or that any of it was done at all or that all of it was but that no matter how long or how hard she fought she wasn't ever going to be able to stop it. And she had to keep fighting anyway and that was fucking hard. It was so fucking hard and all she could do was just- just get through it.

Keep fighting.

"To whatever end." Jay promised hoarsely, Mouse somberly repeating the vow as together they wrapped her up, holding her through the waves that battered her until the sun came out.

There was still a weight in her soul Tess was going to have to work through, that would likely never lift completely but the heartache was breathable now. And if she could breathe she could fight. And she could love.

And she could live.

So that was what she did. They lazed in bed until she decided it was an appropriate time to knock on Noah's door then went down for breakfast where she ordered them all the tiniest scones she could. And then she showed them her city.

There was a lot to do in Victoria but her and Noah decided to do a walking tour today and save the tourist traps for tomorrow, which she was really looking forward to. She could already imagine the face Mouse would make when he realized not all the figures in the wax museum were fake. And the face Jay would make laughing at him. None of this was what she'd imagined originally, walking through the familiar streets alone, weighed down by her grief, wanting to be- but this was better. And if she did still long for solitude… This wasn't going to be the last time she came home. Not by a long shot. It also wasn't going to be the last time she brought her friends here but since that wasn't likely to happen often she wanted to make the most of it, starting with one of her favourite places. The Bubble Tea Bar. It still looked exactly as she remembered, even had all the same flavours which was great for her because she didn't have to worry about picking since Mouse and Jay let her choose theirs. A kind act she repaid as soon as they stepped back outside by shooting five bubbles at each of their faces.

It was amazing, the speed with which the tapioca pearls shot out of their straws.

It was also impressive how accurate they could be, even without proper training.

Their stunned expressions were something she was going to remember fondly, and frequently, and made their immediate retaliation worth it. They actually had to order second drinks, though none of them considered it a waste. Even when she had to sit on the ground so Jay could pick the bubbles out of her hair Tess was laughing, more when he kept mumbling that he didn't understand how they'd gotten inside her bun. But he was persistent, and gentle, and put a firm boundary that all straws stay in their drinks going forwards. And though they teased him, even Noah, they listened. It didn't take nearly as long as she'd thought to explore downtown but like she'd noticed in Tofino it was smaller than she remembered.

Because she was bigger. It was a strange feeling, on top of the strangeness of noticing all that had changed and all that hadn't. The same examination she was silently giving herself but without any of the same clear-cut answers; it was one thing to feel settled about what had happened, another in her relationships. But she didn't have any of that peace for her own mind.

It was why she hesitated when Noah said it was time to head to her old neighborhood, unsure of just how much she wanted to push herself, which he knew. But he was as stubborn as she was and since she was trying not to fight him she agreed to Jay's suggestion they drive through it before dinner. At least she got to be behind the wheel, a small comfort as Noah made sure they stopped everywhere he thought was important.

Her elementary and high school.

The restaurants by the latter she and her friends used to frequent at lunch.

The Tim Hortons they would grab breakfast from in the morning.

The field behind the grocery store they'd played cops & robbers in, which of course made Jay smile, his thumb rubbing absentminded circles where his hand rested on her thigh. He agreed with her when she refused to go by her old house, which thankfully Noah accepted, though he did insist on going to her favourite park. She couldn't tell if she was madder at him pushing or herself for being so afraid but she did it, though she did need to take a few minutes when they arrived.

Once upon a time this had been her favourite place in the world, after Tofino, and now looking at the trees and rocks and the ocean beyond made her want to scream. Why did everything she love have to hurt too?

Was it ever going to get better?

Tired of crying, again, and doing what she'd been told, again, she wiped her cheeks and turned to tell the boys she wanted to go only to find them in a huddle. Jay looking stern, Greg looking understanding and Noah looking steady. Sure. It was obvious he'd been telling them to trust him, that he knew her, and he did. More than she liked right now but she knew him too. Which was why her gut tightened when his eyes found hers and she saw his regular hint of wariness had been traded for something that looked a lot like judgement. And justice.

And suddenly she knew exactly why he'd brought her here.

"It's too late." He casually called out as she strode towards him, ignoring the others as they asked what was going on, which wasn't needed when a shout came from the parking lot.

"Looking for me?"

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh mother fucking fuck.

"Yeah you better make that face you fucking bitch!" The woman yelled, not girl, not anymore, a full-grown woman striding towards her so fiercely Tess instinctively knew she didn't hit as hard as she used to.

She hit harder.

"Who is that?"

And she was going to deserve every fucking strike.

She came to an abrupt halt at Greg's question, staring at him incredulously before her gaze slowly came back to her. "Who am I? Who the fuck amI? Oh you bitch."

She was.

She was a bitch, a liar, a coward.

She was a coward, the one thing she had always tried so hard not to be. And yet she'd spent the last thirteen years being one. Why? Everything she'd gone through, everything she'd faced- why hadn't she ever made herself face this? Why had she hurt herself like this?

Why had she hurt them like this?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"

"No fucking shit." Jordyn snapped, her face like thunder as she shoved her but her rage felt good so Tess didn't bother to catch herself.

All she could do was watch as the girl, woman she'd once called her best friend, her first sister, came to a stop in front of her, the grief in her caramel eyes so strong it broke her heart.

"You. Fucking. Suck." She breathed, just barely holding back her own sob as she yanked her into a hug. "But I still love you. I have always and I will always love you, you fucking bitch."

She didn't deserve it.

She should have forgotten about her, they all should have, should have moved on with their lives the way she had. But when she caught the relief on Noah's face Tess realized that was impossible. No matter how hard any of them had tried a piece of them had always been stuck, waiting for closure only she could provide, except she'd been so selfish she hadn't.

She was a bitch.

A cowardly fucking bitch.

"Yeah you are." Jordyn said with a heavy sigh, knocking her head against hers before she pulled back enough to grab it. "And I am not going to let you forget that. But I'm also going to force you to show me how amazing you've become and never let you forget that either, so I think they cancel each other out and just make you basic."

"I don't deserve it."

"Too fucking bad." Jordyn said with a sniff, slinging an arm over her shoulders as she led her towards the rocks.

Their rock, a path that should have been harder to take than it was but then all of this was turning out to be easier than it should be. Maybe the universe was finally giving her a break. Her second oldest friend didn't say anything as they sat, and neither did her first oldest when he joined them, their shoulders pressed as tightly against her own as the last time they'd sat here.

Everything hurt.

And everything healed.

"You felt like weights." Tess said eventually, keeping her eyes on the ocean and her hands around her waist, even when she felt herself start to cry. "I know that's cunty but that's what it felt like. Like if I kept carrying you I'd drown."

"Given how sacrificial you were I'm kind of proud you finally put yourself first. Not that I think that lasted, but I won't take it personally." Jordyn quipped, the same loving gaze on a face that was a decade older and her heart ached to know everything she'd missed. "I get it. I did the same thing when I let you go. And I forgave both of us a long time ago."

She'd thought the other girl had let her ghost her a little too easily.

"I love you."

"I know." She replied with a smile and a shoulder bump, the easiest forgiveness she'd ever been granted which made her even more nervous to look to her left.

Noah had been watching them but when she met his gaze he turned to the ocean, quiet for so long she thought she was going to break Jordyn's fingers, not though she said anything. Not even to him, a friendship she was only just realizing hadn't faded with her absence. So much she'd missed out on, but she couldn't keep living in the past.

"When we got the call about the accident I told myself it was going to be okay because at least you'd lived." He finally said quietly, breathing deeply as he cocked his head at the waves. "But you didn't. You died with them and when you left I honestly didn't think I'd ever see you again. And I couldn't blame you because I realized I would have done the same thing. But…"

That word hadn't ever hurt so much but she stayed quiet, clinging to the hope not just in her heart but in his eyes when he at last turned to her.

"I don't know who you are anymore. But I'd like to find out."

"I'd like that too."

"Good." Jordyn said with a firm nod, sharing one with Noah before she grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. "Now I want to find out who the hot guys are."

Without looking she knew they'd settled behind them, far enough to not intrude but still close enough if she needed them.

For as much pain as she had in her life, she had a hell of a lot of love too.

"They're going to love you."