Seven Years Ago

She wasn't afraid anymore.

When they'd done this drive a week ago Tess had been white knuckling the wheel but this time she wasn't even behind it, was curled into Jay's side in the backseat of all places, which yeah made her a little nervous but honestly she wasn't really focusing on that. She had in the moments leading up to passing the accident site, and the few after, but it hadn't been fear pacing around in her chest this time but peace; she'd spent a decade thinking grieving their loss was the same as grieving everything else she'd lost but it wasn't. And thriving in some parts of her life did not mean she wasn't hiding in others. But she wasn't hiding anymore. She wasn't at peace yet, there were still two jagged pieces in her torn heart but she was closer than she had been two weeks ago and that…

That felt fucking great. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so relaxed, and from the looks Greg and Jay had been shooting her neither could they. She'd felt a little bad about that but they'd both make sure to let her know she didn't have to be- whatever she needed to be okay and however long it took her was fine by them.

Once upon a time she'd thought she'd never find a boy who loved her.

Now she had two.

Disliking the distance between them she planted a kiss on Greg's cheek where he sat in the front seat before settling back into Jay's side, returning his smile before he went back to listening to Jordyn. Who was curled into his other side, showing him yet another album of embarrassing photos from their teen years. Making up for lost time she said with a wicked grin that made her think of her other best friend. The one who was sitting on the front step when they pulled up in front of her parents' cabin, her cabin now, looking not surprised but decidedly unsure when she saw them pulling in.

"I didn't say anything." Jay and Mouse said in unison, shooting each other wry looks before they turned to her with more nervous ones, while Jordyn and Noah just seemed intrigued.

"Hey." Vivienne greeted as they all got out, more awkward than she ever remembered seeing her, though she was quick to grin.

"You broke him in well." Jordyn replied before anyone else could, Jay rolling his eyes before the hand on her back got firmer as she continued. "But as a best friend? You fucked up."

It was impossible for air to get sucked out of a forest but it sure as shit got a lot thinner. The two women held each other's stare for a long minute before Vivienne dipped her chin in acknowledgement, and a bit of shame too she thought. But not understanding.

Not yet. "Let's go studly stead." Jordyn said with a wave to the boys, Jay shaking his head before his instincts kicked in and he readied himself just in time for her to jump on his back.

Of course he still made sure to shoot her a trusting look, his eyes like hers flicking to where Greg and Vivienne were sharing their own silent conversation, before the former gave her a nod as he followed his friend. And the latter… well she turned to Noah who was staring at her intensely, half judgement and half gratitude.

Sometimes it was nice that everyone and everything was more than one thing.

Sometimes it was not.

The swirl of emotions were already giving her a headache but whatever he was looking for or hoping to convey after a minute he must've felt satisfied because he turned his back on the redhead. Viv looked both offended and impressed by the act, then remorseful, maybe even a little envious when he ran a hand down her hair before at last leaving them alone. There was so much between them. The weight of their history, the pain of what she had experienced and, as her friends eyes flicked after the group, the guilt of what she had missed out on. There may have been times she'd wanted to forget her past and on the whole she had, out of sight out of mind but there had been too many reminders to let herself forget completely. Too many people who wanted to know that past, know her, the most ardent, tied with Jay, the woman in front of her. And everything they'd done this week, walking through her high school and getting a tour of her old house, revisiting every place she had loved… Vivienne had never pushed her to do it on any timeline but her own but she'd always made it clear she believed she should. That she would. She'd wanted to do it with her and Tess had wanted that too.

Once.

Before her friend had hurt her in a way she hadn't ever thought her capable of.

Kind of like how Jordyn and Noah hadn't ever thought she could hurt them the way she had.

"You want to go inside or take a walk?"

"Whatever you want." Viv said quietly, half shrugging before she made herself still, before she hid her hurt at whatever reaction Tess gave to that statement that didn't feel true.

It usually was, and she knew it would be again.

They just had to get through this first.

Deciding she didn't want a repeat of Jay's arrival she led the way inside but before she could speak Vivienne did. "I don't understand why you're so mad at me. I know I went against what you wanted but clearly I was right-"

"You weren't." She didn't sob but the breath she let out… it was an expression of pain and it hit her friend starkly, ripples telling her it went deeper than she would know for a long time. And she didn't like adding to her pain but to unburden her own she had to. "I was raped and you went to a man-"

"But it's Jay-"

"It was my choice! And you took it from me!"

Her sharp inhale said she understood now but that didn't take the hurt away. "Tess-"

"You were supposed to understand. You were supposed to trust me and I know you meant well and I know it worked out but I-… I will never get that choice back. I will never get to do any of this the way I needed to."

"I'm sorry Tess." Vivienne said after a long moment of silence and all it took was a quick glance to see how deeply she meant it.

It didn't change anything, but then she hadn't been expecting it to. All she'd wanted was to say it, to hear it. And…

"You listen to me next time."

"I promise." Her friend swore fervently, wavering before she let out a heavy sigh and nodded and then she rushed her, wrapping her up in a tight hug that didn't dissolve either of their pain but that reminded them it would fade.

They would be what was left.

No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?

She knew the answer, not just because it was one of her favourite lines from one of her favourite shows but because for that reason it had been one of her core beliefs for the last two decades but… She didn't feel it. Not right now. She was trying but it was hard when she was surrounded by so many people so intent on supporting her.

The rest of her team hadn't shown up, they'd been planning to but had been pulled for another op but Lydia had arrived the day after Vivienne, after a lengthy phone call where Tess assured her she wanted her to come. It didn't surprise her that her aunt had realized what had happened, nor that she'd given her space- she'd always been the best at respecting her boundaries. But as much as it hurt to talk through everything with her it was necessary, healing, like watching her catch up with Sam and Clara. It made her cry a few times, especially because of how similar she looked to her mother, an ache that would never go away but it was one of the good ones.

But there was still something jagged inside her, a sharpness she had slowly been realizing was not going to be smoothed out this month. Or the next. There was a storm inside her and it was going to take time to weather it down. Lots of time.

And water.

From the very beginning she'd loved the ocean, not an introduction she remembered but she'd heard the stories enough that she could easily picture how her three-month-old self had screamed every time her mother tried to walk away. Growing up Sam had always joked that she could tell when a storm was coming or the waves were good for surfing better than the locals. So when she woke one morning to the silent call Tess didn't question it. She just did what she'd always done and slipped out her window; there was a brief moment where she expected Jay to wake but when he didn't she made for the shed. It said a lot about how much people had loved her parents that there wasn't even a lock on it, never mind that nothing had been taken. Another time capsule. This one a lot dirtier but though she ran her fingers through the dust on her old wetsuit it was her mothers she brushed off completely, her father's board she held under arm as she headed towards the beach. Straight for the water, not halting even when the freezing waves jolted any lingering drowsiness out of her system. After a minute her body began to numb, her breath slow and deep as she paddled out. The waves weren't coming, yet, but she was content to sit and watch the sun slowly rise; she didn't get them nearly as often as she liked but any moment where it was just her and the ocean were a balm to her soul.

No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?

Her.

Just her, just like it was right now.

But what would that look like?

It wasn't hard to imagine, every memory of every time she'd come close sat in her chest, a sharp fear that undoubtedly drove her but strong as it was… Her rage was stronger. She hated the agency. Not what it stood for, not entirely, not what it did, not entirely, but what those at the top had made it, how they allowed it to operate, the denial, the secrecy and greed, it disgusted her. It was corruption at its finest. At its highest. It's most dangerous. It was everything she had imagined working for the government would be, everything she had never wanted to be a part of. And yet she was. She was one of their best operatives, maybe not in listening skills but in operations completed. Lives saved. Lives taken. A scale she was terrified to even think about balancing.

Tess had known what she was agreeing to when she chose this life and she didn't regret it, felt more certain now as she watched the sun turn the sky pink than she ever had that she would do it all again. All the pain, all the death, all the loss, all the ways she had changed, it was worth it. And yet it was just as clear that she couldn't keep doing this. She wasn't ready to leave the agency, she might not like their rules but she didn't know how to operate without them, what other place there was for her but something needed to change because if it didn't…

She was going to turn into something no one would recognize.

Mischief to mayhem and mercy to murder.

She was already on her way, for a couple years now had felt herself becoming more ruthless, noticed her struggle with the necessary detachment and the urge to turn it into callousness, or worse, cruelty. But none of what she knew told her what todo.

But the water did. She felt the swell inside her chest and started scanning the horizon until she spotted it, just off in the distance. With a grin she began to paddle towards it, keeping her eyes locked on the wave as it rolled closer, an indescribable feeling of joy rushing through her when she popped up. The peace she'd been searching for by coming here slowly rose inside her and she rode the wave as far as she could before dropping into the water, letting it swirl around her before another washed over her. Not water this time, not anger or sadness or even surety. But understanding. Things were going to get worse before they got better. Much worse, in ways she wasn't going to be able to imagine let alone prepare for. And that loneliness she was so afraid of, it was going to wrap itself around her like a shroud and it would be the fight of her life to shake it off. But she would. There was a reason she had been recruited so heavily, a reason they'd wanted her so badly and that had been seven years ago. If she needed to remind those in charge what she was capable of, she would. She would make herself heard and if she didn't know what she would say yet…

She would figure it out.

And as she finally broke the surface she was reminded that she wouldn't do it alone. Everyone who was gathering on the beach, whether slipping into their wetsuits to join her or laying down blankets to watch, they would be with her. Sometimes in the field, sometimes cheering her on from the sidelines but they would be there. Them and so many others and as sure as she was that she had many battles to fight alone she knew they would bring her home when the war was done.