Cinemassacre - The anime

by Tittyeater

The wacky adventures of Bimmy Ralph, the Angry Video Game Nerd, and his friends in their fight against time. You problably won't understand this unless you are a member of the CinemassacreTruth subreddit. Contains some rather disgusting gross-out stuff.

Shinemasakeru – The anime

For my fellow truthers at r/TheCinemassacreTruth.

Chapter one – Battle at Dreamdragon Mowden

Bimmy Ralph stood on Dreamdragon Mowden's slope, far up, but not anywhere near the top, his head turned north into the clear white sky. An intense wind shook the trees behind Bimmy and teared on his shirt, but he did not notice that. Not minding the coolness in the air, Bimmy was only dressed in oversized bright yellow clown shoes with black tips, 70s hippie jeans with overlong sleeves that he dragged accross the dirt on the rocky ground, a generic outworn Star Wars T-shirt with short sleeves, showing off the spiritual dragon tattoo on Bim's hindarm, and an outworn, flat Mortal Kombat cap that was a few sizes too small for his enormous bald, long head. It was dirty and some parts were ripped off, as if it had been worn in several battles. He held a twig in each hand, for hiking. Bim was lost in thought, staring at the "No trespassing" sign in front of him. It had been there since Bimmy was a muh kid. His parents often took him there, and, as being obedient towards rules runs in Bimmy's blood, they had never gotten past that sign. Bimmy had always loved this mountain, because it was shaped like a dragon's head. As much tough 80s nostalgia as the place awoke in Bimmy, he questioned why he was even there. He should be at home, with his kids. The thought of them spending more than five minutes without him drove tears to his eyes, and he covered his mouth as a silent scream for his wife, Bpril, escaped his widely opened mouth. With watery eyes, he looked around, about the white sky with a few birds flying in the distance, the stony ground with a few small trees and bushes of grass, and the garbage lying everywhere. Next to the sign, there were some empty Rolling Rock bottles, five of um, and a desk made out of tough 80s wood, with a huge 10 inch deep hole drilled into it, and a huge load of dried semen on top of it. Bim turned around and began to duckwalk downwards slowly, when suddenly, he heard a loud thunder. Bimmy gasped, slipping and tumbling into a shallow pond. Screaming for his life, he arose from the 10 inch deep water and crawled up to his duckfeet. An iconic frown became visible on Bimmothy's face, as the sky darkened. A lightning flashed up, piercing the black clouds like a razor blade, and words appeared in the sky: "I awaited you. N.C." Quickly, Bimmy looked at his watch, a 90s game and watch Batman game. 5:30 pm. Bimmy gasped even wider. "Damn. If I am not home in ten minutes, it will be the end of me.", Bim whispered nervously, nearly inaudibly. Shivering anxiously, Bimmy adjusted his glasses and whiped the sweat from his face with a Mc Donalds bill from his friend, Mike Matei, He knew who awaited him. It was the Nostalgia Critic, a notorious hatter of the assholeish variety who was after the 540 watches of eternal time. With each watch he owned, the possessor was given more time. Having already 539 out of the 540 watches in his possession, the Nostalgia Critic had gained infinitive time, but if the 540th watch fell into his clutches, he would have complete, totalitary power over space and time, being able to make events that will occur or already took place happen or unhapppen, and adjusting the timeline for his own evil purposes. The last of the 540 watches, the one the Critic seeked, was the Batman wrist game Bimmy wore around his bony wrist in this very moment. Bimmy took a deep breath. To calm himself down, he grabbed a bottle of Soylent (chocolate flavor, his favorite) out of his pocket and drank it, chewing a few times because his wife said that it was better for his health, before disposing of the empty bottle in a litter bin. Aftrerwards, he resumed staring into the emptiness like if it was a rusty dragon statue, waiting for his emeny to arrive. As his thoughts came constantly back to his wife and children at home, Bimmy became impatient, treading with one duckfoot onto the other one. At last, he could not wait any longer. It would be 5:40 soon. He would just run out of time. The Nostalgia Critic was a fucking bum that needed to be dealt with, a hatter of the assholeish variety, a shitload of fuck. He was probably just trolling Bim. Or trying to distract him while he organized an attack on his house. "Where are you, Nostalgia Critic?! Come out at once, you coward!", the Bimster yelled. As a reply, a malevolant laughter roared up behind Bimbo. He turned around quickly, gasping. A man floated in the air in front of him, ten inches above the ground, surrounded by a pinkish gleam. He wore a black suit and a Dracula-cloak, a cap like a Victorian era chimney sweep or a newspaper boy and many watches on his arms. Some old-fashioned pocket-clocks rested in the pockets of his suit. The man wore glasses, similar to Bimmy's, and had a dark beard. He grinned, chuckling. Bimmy pretended not to be afraid. "You have shown yourself, Nostalgia Critic!", he shouted, pointing at the fellow filmmaker. The critic chuckled. "I expected an a little warmer welcome, like "Glad to see you again, old friend, after all this time. Nothing but good memories, ain't it?", he laughed, with a demonic expression in his eyes. "Cut the crap. This is no time to be making jokes. And besides, you should not talk about time like that. You might run out of it.", Bim snarled, clenching his fist. "I see, you have not changed at all after all this time, Bimmy-chan. I am sorry to disappoint you, but you're wrong. I have all the time in the world. Nevertheless, even with infinitive time left, I don't want to hang around here 'till 5:40, so would you kindly hand over the Batman watch?", the Critic smiled, visibly amused. "Nostalgia Critic, you have to be joking! I'd rather put my balls in a crocodile's mouth while shoving King Kong up muh ASS! Of course I reefuse.", the bald filmmaker proclaimed. "Bimmy-chan, you are stubborn as always.", the Critic whistled, "I am not here to fight you. In fact, I want to make you a great offer. Give me the Batman watch, and we will rule over time in space. You will never run out of time again, you will never have to worry about getting home past 5:40 again, you will be the second-mightiest man and the greatest filmmaker on Earth. Well, how does this sound to you?" "Your talk was wrong then, and it is wrong now. You would only use the power of the 540 clocks to commit acts of the assholeish variety, you asshole of the asshole-ish variety! I do not have the TIME to deal with you fucking bum a-fucking-gain. I have finally faced reality. There just does not exist enough TIME. And besides, I already AM the greatest filmmaker of our time.", Bim groaned. The implication that he was not the greatest filmmaker of their time (except Spielberg aka. Zorrofan, of course) according to the Critic hurted him deeply. The Nostalgia Critic began to lose his temper. "Oh Bimmy, you pityable moron. Do not push me to take the watch from you violently, with full fucking force. I told you many times that there was another way, and you know I wished that it would end differently, but you leave me no other option. Sayonara, Bimmy-chan! Go and kill, Nosutaruja Curitikku footsoldiers!" Behind the Critic, an army of Ninjas in colorful outfits formed themselves out of thin air, making a Hitler salute and charging towards Bimmy with a shrill battle cry. Bimmy frowned iconicly, preparing himself for a violent battle. "Damn you, Nostalgia Critic. You know I will destroy your henchmen full fucking force in the nick of time. You are wasting your time. I have to go home and eat chicken and rice with muh kids and Bpril. It's always 5:40 somewhere.", the Bimster threatened. He frowned even harder, then jumped up, cuckfacing, with a loud "TOOOH!" scream. He pulled a can of Soylent out of his ass and drank it, causing himself to glow in all colors of the LJN rainbow. His belt, a bootleg Kamen Rider belt, flashed brightly. The henchmen were blinded for a moment. Bimmy did some weird Henshin poses whilst yelling "Bamesu Dankan Raluffu faito paowa! Bimmy henshin!" Suddenly, Bimmy's shirt burst open to reveal a sailor shirt with many buddons and huge loads of pencils in its pockets, his pants ripped apart to reveal jeans. The Mortal Kombat cap disappeared, baring the towering behemoth that was his ten inch forehead. An Intendo zapper and some other gaming guns appeared in his hands and pockets. A cape that was actually that Intendo mat for that race game (I don't remember how it is called, man, I'm not a scientist) connected to his neck, the Rolling Rocker with bottles of Rolling Rock on it (Rolling rock ON the Rolling Rocker!) connected to his shirt, and all the other useless gaming gear Bimmy reeviewed morphed with the armor. Bimmy landed back on his duckfeet, frowning iconicly as he posed with his Intendo accessories, trying to look badass. The Nostalgia Critic tried hard not to let his opponent see that he was distressed, but could not help but to frown as iconicly as Bames on every fucking picture. "What are you, you fucking bum?!", he snarled. "Most of the time I am film curator Bimmy Ralph. Sometimes, I am the Angry Video game nerd. Sometimes, I am the duckwalking lead guitarist of the legendary tough 80s rawk band Rex Viper (as in T-Rex!), sometimes, I am a mowden hiker, sometimes, I am young pedo-stached suicidal Rasta Bim, sometimes, I am Board James, but muh true form is Super Mecha Death Bim 3000, warrior of time!", the newly transformed Bim shouted while changing from form to form, showing off his abilities. The Nostalgia Critic's goons just stood around, waiting politely for him to stop talking. Bim changed once again, this time he gained a DOOM armor with a lot gadgets related to Bimmy's different incarnations, like a guitar and two hiking twigs on his back he could use as weapons and two camera-shaped cannons on his shoulders. Just when you would believe that the scenery could not get any more embarassing, he gave the Critic two fingers at full fucking force, thinking that he looked cool and intimidating and not like some kid in a shitty cosplay suit. "Mh-mh, yup, I can see why your unneccessary overlong Toku references are popular, but can you show me what you can do with your retarded gear?", was the first thing the Critic said after watching the filmmaker transform for like five minutes. "Yes, certainly. I will set your fucking hearts on fire, 'cause I've got da power, Intendo power!", was Bames' quick reply. The Nostalgia Critic cringed so hard at this cheesy line that he nearly broke out some of his front teeth. Before the footmen could react, Bimmy duck-dashed over to the Critic's henchman, beating them to cripples and tearing them apart while shouting every attack of his out loud in Engrish. After he ripped the last one's head off and shoved it up his ass like in his masterful curation The deader the better, he looked up at the Critic, smeared with blood. "You're one tough 80ies bastard, but can you take on me too?", the Critic asked, unimpressed. "Take a wild fucking guess!" Bimmy made an Ultraman finisher pose and yelled "Soirentu Beam!", and an LJN rainbow beam charged out of his arm. The Critic blocked it with the watches on his arms, but it was too powerful, pushing him further and further away. The Critic sweated, his glasses and cap fell to the ground. "Damn, you got stronger since we last met, Bimmy-chan! Where did you learn to be an asshole?" "Take a wild guess.", Bimmy replied once again. The Critic cursed under his breath as he felt how he was pushed further and further away by Bimmy's powerful attack. Finally, the Soylent Ray pushed the Critic off the cliff full fucking force. In the last moment, the Critic reached out with his hands as quick as humanly possible, in his struggle for life, and got hold of the rim. Bimmy stopped the attack immediately after the Critic disappeared. Killing his enemy now would not be a good idea. He slowly duck-stomped towards the dangling critic and reached out with his hand, pulling him up. The Critic said nothing. He sat on the ground, completely exhausted, panting heavily. Then, out of nowhere, he began chuckling. The chuckling developed into a maniacal, roaring, non-stopping evil laughter. "You should not have time to be laughing.", Bimmy judged, his arms crossed in front of his chest. He felt insulted because the Critic did not thank him. To Bim's surprise, the Nostalgia Critic looked up, with a diabolical, mean-willing expression on his face. "You may have beaten me, but you have lost anyway. You talk about time all the time, but have you checked what time it is, my old-timey time warrior?", he mocked, almost whispering. At once, Bimmy became all pale, like Mike Muhtei. His eyes became glassy, what was a sign for him having run out of time. He looked at his wrist watch immediately and broke into ear-piercing, uncontrollable autistic screaming, his mouth wide open, as he witnessed in pure harrer how the clock hit 5:41. "That's it, you just ran out of time! It's 5:41 now, and you have to be done at 5:40...", the Critic laughed and continued laughing maniacally and rambling comments of the assholeish variety, but Bimmothy did not even notice that any more. He sank to his knees yelling "NOOOOOOOO" while doing the Silver Surfer game over screen pose. Everything around him became distorted. Bimmy fell into an endless black pit, seeing images from his past. Over and over he heard his own voice in his head: "5:40. 5:40. 5:40...", along with the Nostalgia Critic's maniacal laughter. Never before had Bimbo felt this level of pain and fear. It felt like purgatory. Slowly, he noticed that he perceived less and less. He could barely hear his voice in his head any more, and he saw and felt nothing. Ultimately, he was he's a skeleton and passed out.

With a loud scream, Bimmy jolted up from his bed like Ellen in Nosferatu, cuckfacing. His cats, Boo and Yeti, meowed and jumped from his lap. Next to him lay Bpril, who held her boyfriend Cooper in her sailor arms while he banged her booty like uh uh (Bimmy had a cuck fetish and did not mind it when Bpril fucked others). It had all been a dream. "What was it, Bimmy?", Bpril asked, worried. Bimmy sat on the bed, rubbing his bald head. "It was just a nightmare.", he replied. "You dreamed of dragons again, didn't you?", Bpril asked. "Mh-hm, yup, yeah. But it felt so real...", Bim answered. He decided not to tell her more about the dream. He did not want to upset her. "You should not watch harrer movies so close before 5:40.", Bpril judged while Cooper proceeded to pound her asshole with his 11-incher. "I only watched It's a mad mad mad world yesterday. Muted with subtitles and on three times speed on muh tablet because I did not have more time and did not want to wake up our muh kids.", Bimmy said apologeticly. He got up and went into the bathroom, while Cooper and Bpril resumed taking turns in doing each other doggystyle for twelve hours. When Bimmy opened the door, he was confronted with a pleasant surprise. On his toilet sat a fat man with short black hair and a beard. He wore wide baggy white pants, a blue vest and a fez, while he took a diarrhea dump in Bim's toilet and chewed on a full-size replica of Mike's ten-incher. "Nyyyyyaaaa, what's up, cock?", he greeted Bimminy, still sucking on the dildo. "Holy shit, it's you, Toby! How did you get here?" was Bimmy's reaction. "You always leave your front door unlocked", was Bony's reply. Toby, or Boby, or Bony, or whatever, was a long-time friend of Bim and known from his show Slack the boobies. "Come into the nerd room and have a snack, after you're finished.", Bimmy offered. "Sounds great. I'm finished!", Lony shouted. He got up and followed Bim. "Shall I flush the toilet?", he asked. "No, don't do that. It might be useful later.", was Bames' reply. Little did most viewers know, the shit used in Bimmy's films was not fake, it was actually real shit, since Bimmothy and Mike had a scat fetish. They went through Bim's bedroom full of pictues of big black cocks (Bpril only liked black dicks since she was tired of the Caucasian sausage fest at Cinemuhssacre), into the garage where Bim's 5 squaremeter nerd room was located. When they entered the bedroom, Cooper and Bpril were done with doggystyle and going again and were tittyfucking now. The load was fucking huge. Cooper lifted his 11-incher to greet Rony. Boo and Yeti greeted him too and followed them into the garage where they sat down on the couch (the classic nerd couch which was now covered by Matei's semen-stained Mario blanket), their tails coiled around them. The nerd room was the only room on the property where Bimbo was allowed to hang out with his special ed friends who all stunk of bodyspray and shit. Bimmy turned the TV on and put one of his 540000 worthless VHS tapes into the VCR, saying "Say yes to VHS!". He loved VHS tapes and basically any tough 80s stuff because it gave him muh nostalgia. The movie was Bim's favorite, It's a mad mad mad world. He always got a kick out of unfunny comedies, Toby already chewed on some snacks Bimmy brought and drank some bottles of Soylent. "Of course, I did not come over just to eat your food and use your toilet. I have something important to discuss with you.", he mumbled between bits of Vapor Wave ready meals Bimmy enjoyed half-cooked. "What is it?" "Did you dream anything this night?" "Yes, certainly, but not much." "What did you dream of?" "Um, just of the dragon in muh dreams." Bimmy still did not want to tell the truth. "Big Ryan had a vision this night. He sent me to tell you about it." Goby was all serious now, and Bimmy understood that he should not downplay anything now. Unlike Bim's other shortbus-pals, Big Ryan actually was a scientist, a doctor, not a monster. He was of great wisdom and possessed the power of moving electrons through reality and transforming into ten of um different forms by saying "HIYAH!". Bimmy, and basically everybody, was a big Big Ryan fan by the way. Bim was about to tell Cony the truth, when Boo, his black cat, came before him: "I had a dream this night. Bames was fighting the Nostalgia Critic on Dreamdragon Mowden. He won, but ran out of time, and sunk into eternal darkness." "I had the same dream.", added Yeti, Bimmos' white cat. "And so did I.", Bimmothy confirmed. Stony sighed. "This is the exact vision Big Ryan had. He said it means that we do not have the time to fight the Critic now. We need to obtain at least one of the other 539 watches in order to stand a chance against him." Bimmy cuckfaced again. "We must steal a watch from him? How the bloody fuckfart are we supposed to do this?!" "Well, take a wild fucking guess. I don't know how, I'm not a scientist.", Brony shrugged. "It is best to visit Ryan as soon as possible. I have a feeling that we do not have much time left until the Critic will attack you and your family, Bimmy.", Boo meowed sternly. Apart from Big Ryan (big fan btw), his cats were the most intelligent persons Bimmy knew. "Do y'all want me to suffer? Listen, you know, I have kids. How can I have time for something unimportant like dealing with the fucking bum and saving the world? Man, I wished I had a crew for that...", Bimmy bickered. "I think you don't get what we're saying. What matters more to you, spending time with your family now, or their lives and yours, basically the fate of mankind! You will not be able to spend time with your wife and kids at all as soon as the notorious guy with glasses gets hold of the 540th watch!", screeched Yeti. "And besides, you have a crew, Bimmy. Stop acting as if you were tied to the ceiling in your garage with an onion in your mouth. Have you forgotten Screenwave?", Boo added. "Screenwave, huh? Oh yeah, now as you mention it... I remember, nothing but great memories. All henshin hero teams take breaks, but we planned to reunite in February.", Bimminy recalled. (Meanwhile, Doby just sat on the couch, shuffled junk food into himself and itched his balls) "So why don't you reunite now? Call Kyle and tell him to look after your kids as long as we're occupied.", Boo suggested. "Kyle? Ah, nothing but good memories all around! He must be still around, he likes music and jerking off under my couch." He called him, but he did not reply. Bimmy left a message in which he ordered him to take care of his kids until he returned and just assumed that he would come over and do his job. Bimmy could be a slavedriver sometimes, even though he was Screenwave's slave most of the time. What he was not aware of was that Kyle was dead for years by now. He was once jacking off below Bim's couch as usual, not noticing that he had not eaten anything in months, when he starved to death without knowing and died just when he felt like he was about to climax. Nobody was aware of that he died, nobody cared for where he was, but at least everybody appeared to have nothing but good memories about him. Anyways, Bimbo put on his woman's coat he always wore when going out (and pushing shopping carts), and went out with Bpril, Cooper, Moby from Stack the boobies, Boo and Yeti, to meet their old friends and declare war on the Nostalgia Critic.

- To be continued... -