Chapter 60: Lost and Forsaken by Fate and by Man
Summary: After Steve gives Bucky a tour of his apartment, Emily comes to check in on them and realizes she needs to get Steve back on track.
Notes: This chapter is dedicated to Amythestice for your continued support and wonderful feedback on this story. It's always appreciated. - W6C
Steve closed the door behind him, pushed the chair a few feet inside and stopped. He allowed Bucky a few moments to look around the room and get his bearings before giving him a tour of the apartment. He wanted Bucky to know he was more than welcome to stay and wanted him to feel comfortable and at ease.
"Let me show you around," Steve said. It took Barnes a few moments to comprehend what was said and nodded. So he turned the chair to the left and pushed it up to an open door. He reached in to turn on the light. "This is the bathroom. It's the only one I have so we have to share. Is that okay?" he asked.
Bucky's gaze roamed around the small room. It had a counter to the left with two sinks, a toilet just beyond that and a large walk-in shower on the right. It was brightly decorated and well-organized with a few toiletries in a line on the counter. A fresh bath towel was hung on a hook just outside the shower doors within reach. There were towels rolled up and stacked neatly in a pyramid configuration on a shelf along with neatly folded wash cloths.
Images flashed through his mind of olive green towels, shirts and socks stored in a similar manner inside a locker of the same color. He blinked and when Steve turned off the light the images vanished abruptly.
Steve spun the chair to the right where another door stood open straight ahead of them. He stopped the chair at the room's threshold, reaching in to turn on the light. This room had a full size bed to the left, made up nicely as if awaiting a guest. There was a small writing desk under the window on the far wall and to the right was a large closet with double doors and a dresser. There was also a comfortable looking chair directly to the right of the door with a floor lamp beside it; perhaps for reading, he thought.
"This will be your room, if you choose to stay," Steve told him.
Barnes took in every detail inside that room. 'This will be your room' echoed inside his head. He tried to remember the last time he slept in a bed or had his own room. Again, images came to him, but he couldn't quite grasp them. 'if you choose to stay'; he has a choice? He doesn't have a choice. He does as he's told. 'If you don't, they lower the halo –.'He sucked in a breath as an unsettling sensation began to rise inside him.
"You okay?" Steve asked, concerned. Not knowing what was happening he knelt down beside the chair. "Bucky, are you okay with this? Staying here with me?"
It took another minute for Barnes to settle the anxiety that had risen up inside him. He turned his face to Rogers and the two friends looked at each other closely.
"Is this okay with you?" Steve asked and Bucky nodded. "You sure?" he asked and Bucky nodded again. "Because… I've missed you, pal," Steve told him. "I'm really glad to have you back and… and if you're comfortable with it, I'd really like for you to stay with me... for a little while anyway…. until you… until you're feeling better at least." Bucky studied Steve's face as he spoke. "You want to stay with me for a while?" he asked. Bucky reached out and laid his hand atop Steve's. "I thought you'd be more comfortable here than in the infirmary."
Bucky nodded and then smiled briefly. "Yes," he replied quietly, "I want to stay with you." Those words made Steve even happier than he thought they would and he smiled; the first genuine smile he'd felt in a long time.
"Great," Steve replied. "I'll show you the rest of the place." As he stood up, Bucky reached out to grasp his sleeve and Steve paused.
"Can I get out of the chair?" Barnes asked.
"Do you feel strong enough?" Steve asked; concerned about the balance issues and fatigue that seemed to overcome him without warning.
"I think so," Bucky answered. "I'd like to… stand… if I can."
"Of course, I'll stay close though," Steve assured him. He set the brakes and pushed the foot rests out of the way. As Bucky pushed himself out of the chair, Steve put a hand under his arm, just in case. Bucky kept a firm grip on Steve's forearm as he straightened and took a moment to assess any issues. "Okay?" Steve asked.
Barnes nodded, letting go of Steve's arm. He took a step forward and decided he was feeling steady enough, so he walked slowly into his new room to look around. Steve gave him the time he needed to inspect everything and get acquainted with his new surroundings.
He checked out the closet; empty except for a dozen or so hangers on the rod and a small chest on the floor. He reached down and flipped the latch on the chest and lifted the lid. It was empty so he dropped the lid carefully again before closing the doors.
He moved to the dresser and opened the drawers, one after the other; they were also empty except for a small packet of potpourri in each to keep them smelling fresh and a spare blanket folded up in the bottom drawer.
He looked at the chair and his gaze lingered there. Steve wondered if it conjured up memories or if he was simply lost in thought. He finally moved on to the lamp; he inspected the shade and then searched for the switch with his hand; finding it, he flipped it on. The bulb had a softer glow than the bright overhead light; he liked that softer illumination and nodded before switching it off.
Steve watched him closely as he moved around the room, noticing how Barnes studied every detail of everything he could see. It was as if Bucky and the Soldier were inspecting the room together. That thought made Steve pause; wondering if the person in front of him might actually bet he Soldier just pretending to be Barnes. 'That would be the ultimate depth of deep cover surveillance', he thought, and he wouldn't put it past the Soldier to pull something like that. He remembered Dr. Golden's warnings to never let down his guard.
He watched without commenting as Barnes moved around the room, inspecting every detail of every item inside the room. When Barnes turned to see Steve standing in the doorway watching him, the two simply looked at one another until Bucky turned away again. He walked over to the bed; the place he would be sleeping and sat down on it. He ran his flesh hand over the thick bedspread and took note of the two pillows at the head and the smaller one; set as a decoration, he supposed.
"What do you think?" Steve asked quietly. Barnes looked over at him but didn't say anything. "Do you like it?" Bucky nodded. "Do you think you'll be comfortable here?" Steve asked. Bucky smiled softly and nodded again. "Good," Steve replied, sounding relieved.
"You, uh… you want to see the rest?"
Bucky realized there was more to see; he nodded and stood up. He followed Steve out to the sitting area.
"This is the living room," Steve told him even though he didn't need to. Bucky nodded and Steve turned completely around. "This is the kitchen; stove, sink, fridge… icebox," he corrected himself, using the terminology they'd used as kids, "dishwasher…" he said as he pointed out each appliance. Bucky frowned slightly at the dishwasher and that didn't escape Steve's attention. "I'll teach you how to use that," he said and then moved to the far side of the apartment. "This… is my room."
Bucky looked at him from where he stood, but didn't move.
"If you need me," Steve told him. "If… we're asleep… and you need me… this is where you can find me."
Bucky nodded that he understood.
"Come and look so you know what my room looks like; in case you need me in the night, you'll have an idea of where things are."
Bucky looked away as if following a thought and then nodded. He walked to the door and looked inside. Steve stepped into the room, inviting Barnes to follow him.
Bucky stepped over the threshold and looked around the room. He took in all the details just as he had in the other bedroom. He walked around the room as Steve watched him. He let his fingers dance over the objects set on top of the dresser, but didn't open the drawers. When he opened one of the closet doors he saw clothes hanging neatly inside; shirts to the right side, pants in the center and sweaters and jackets to the left. He reached out to touch the shirts, making a mental note of what his closet will –should– look like when his own clothes occupied it.
"We'll get your things brought up here so you can get settled in as soon as possible, okay?" Steve assured him.
Bucky nodded and closed the door. He leaned against it for a moment; it was a fleeting moment, but didn't escape Steve's notice.
"You okay?" he asked.
Bucky nodded but moved to sit on the bed. Steve watched him for a moment and decided that perhaps this was all a bit too much for him to handle at once. He decided to give him a few minutes of privacy.
"Hang out here for a minute… I'm going to put on some coffee. I'll be right back." He waited for Barnes to acknowledge him before leaving him alone. Bucky nodded then looked up at him and grinned; but the grin was for his sake, Steve knew. He was trying though and that meant a lot, so Steve smiled back. "You want some coffee?"
"Sounds great," Bucky replied; though he sounded tired.
"Good. I'll be back in a few."
"Okay."
When Steve returned a few minutes later, he found Bucky asleep on his bed. He had simply lain back as he waited for Steve to return; not intending to fall asleep, but exhaustion took him under. As he fell deeper into a sound sleep he'd turned onto his side and pulled his legs up onto the bed. Steve found him lying perpendicular across the bed instead of in the proper position with his head on a pillow. Steve smiled softly and retrieved the blanket folded neatly over the back of the chair in the corner. Unfolding it, he spread it out over Barnes and then stood there looking at him for a while lost in his own thoughts.
It was difficult for him to reconcile the details of atrocities conducted against his friend to the man now sleeping peacefully on his bed. But he'd seen the other 'versions' - as Dr. Golden put it – of Bucky Barnes and those versions made it crystal clear to him how much those atrocities had affected his friend. They had shaped him into something unrecognizable even to himself and would leave him with deep and everlasting scars, Steve knew. He hoped beyond hope that they would be able to help Bucky through the aftermath of those traumas; knowing the effects of them would never disappear entirely, if at all.
Dr. Golden had been completely honest in letting them know that the road they were traveling would not be a smooth one and he felt he was as ready as he could be for the turmoil Golden assured them was coming. But until that turmoil reared its ugly head again, he was more than happy to take these quiet, peaceful moments whenever they presented themselves.
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee made its way to him and the smell of it pulled him out of his own fugue. The coffee would keep, he decided, and sat down on the bed beside Barnes. Bucky didn't move or acknowledge his presence in any manner. It was probably the deepest sleep he'd had in a very long time, Steve supposed.
His thoughts returned to the Hydra files, reflecting on the nasty details they contained. The way those Hydra goons treated the best man he'd ever known – he fought down a mix of emotions that suddenly surged and swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat. He'd already decided the coffee could wait for Bucky to wake up, but Steve didn't want him to wake up in a strange place alone, so he carefully scooted back onto the bed and positioned himself at Bucky's back.
He paused momentarily; re-thinking his actions, but then decided it would be okay to curl up beside him. Soldat had taken great comfort in his closeness when he was feeling frightened and overwhelmed; surely Bucky wouldn't mind, right?
He moved slowly so as not to shock Barnes awake and, once he got settled at his back, Steve put his arm around him. He became aware of the shallow, steady breaths that rhythmically pressed Bucky's back against his chest. The sensation drove home the fact that Bucky was still alive and, yes, he'd known that since the day the mask fell off the Winter Soldier in the streets of D.C., but to feel his life's breath pressing against his body was exciting and saddening all at once. He focused on the warmth of his friend's body pressed against him and a few moments later he too fell asleep.
Three hours later Steve stirred. It took him a few minutes to figure out where he was and what he was doing. He felt punch drunk and realized how exhausted he must have been to fall into such a deep sleep so easily. He became aware of a sound coming from the other room and realized that was what woke him up.
He raised his arm to look at his watch and saw the time was now 7:12 p.m.; letting his arm drop again it came to rest on the body next to him. Steve raised his head, and blinked at the person beside him. 'Oh, right, 'it was coming back to him now.
He heard the sound of someone knocking on the door and realized that must have been what woke him. He slowly pulled away from Barnes so as not to disturb his sleep and stood up. Feeling a little light-headed he took a moment to let his brain settle then made his way out of the room. Closing the door to the bedroom halfway he then made his way through the kitchen and made it to the door just as the person on the other side began to knock again.
Swinging the door open, Steve yawned and blinked at Dr. Golden as he tried to get his vision to focus. Emily looked at him slightly concerned and then realized she'd woken him. "Oh, Captain, I'm so sorry for disturbing you. I -."
"It's okay, Doc."
"I thought I should check in -."
"Yeah, it's fine," Steve assured her, squinting at her against the bright artificial light in the corridor. "Come in," he said, opening the door further so she could enter.
"It's been three hours," she told him and he checked his watch again as he closed the door. "I got curious as nobody's heard from you since you brought him up here."
"Curious? Or concerned?" he asked with a crooked grin.
"A little of both, I suppose," she admitted with a smile. She glanced around the apartment; and not seeing James, she asked, "How is he?"
Steve smiled and walked toward his bedroom, gesturing for her to come with him. She was definitely curious and followed him. He pushed the door open wide enough for her to see Barnes sound asleep on the bed, curled up under a blanket. She looked surprised, perhaps amazed, and then smiled at Steve. He put a finger to his lips and drew the door closed again, leaving it slightly ajar so he could hear if Bucky woke.
Emily followed Steve back to the kitchen area where he invited her to sit at the table as he went to the cupboard.
"Coffee?" he asked.
"Please," she replied with nod. "How long has he been asleep?"
"Apparently, almost three hours," he said smiling. "I gave him a quick tour of the place and that's where it ended," he told her as he poured. "It's nice to see him sleeping peacefully without having to be sedated. I sat down beside him and ended up falling asleep right next to him." He brought the mugs to the table and offered her cream and sugar. "I hadn't intended on falling asleep, but I guess I was more tired than I thought," he said sheepishly.
Emily looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Captain, you look exhausted. I'm not surprised at all that you fell asleep once you saw thathefelt safe in your home."
Steve smiled at her and shrugged. "I suppose we were a sight," he said thoughtfully.
"A sight?" she asked; curious about the way he phrased the comment.
He sipped his coffee and nodded. Putting the cup down he stretched his neck side to side to loosen the tension there. "Yeah, well… you know."
"I'm… not sure that I do," she told him.
"Well, it was one thing to fall asleep wrapped around him when we were dealing with a traumatized Soldat, but… Bucky's back now and -."
"Captain?" she interrupted and he looked at her. "Are you under the impression that because James is back that he doesn't still need your compassion and empathy?
"No, of course not, it's just…"
"No one is going to make any judgments about how you tend to your friend's needs," she told him. "He still needs you… he needs you now more than ever."
"I guess it's just-," he said, trying to explain.
"It's just what?"
"It's Bucky," Steve told her. "It's not Soldat or the Winter Soldier. It's Bucky. I know he's going to need our help to get past all that he's endured, but -."
"Captain," Emily interrupted again because she could see that Steve was showing clear signs of denial: now that they'd been able to make contact with the original personality inside the body of James Barnes, he wasn't seeing the true picture. He stopped and looked at her. "I need you to understand that we're not out of the woods yet. We may never be," she told him. "Yes, we've made contact with James Barnes, and it took weeks for him to emerge even without the interference of Hydra's control. Do you know what that means? What it means for Sgt. Barnes?"
Steve swallowed thickly and shook his head. His expression was one of worry and concern; which is the precise emotional response she needed him to maintain. She couldn't afford to let him believe that the hard part was over.
"Do you understand what trauma is?" she asked. Steve thought about that question. Before he could reply, she continued. "Do you understand what trauma does to a person? How it affects them mentally and physically?"
"I think I do… sort of," he told her. "I mean, I can see the effects of it." He told her, tossing a glance toward the bedroom door.
"Trauma is an extremely complicated kind of harm that results from a wide variety of circumstances; most of which involve some type of violent event. Whether the trauma experienced is a result of a car accident or a direct personal threat of bodily harm by another person, there are common threads that allow us to identify the type of trauma with which a person can be afflicted."
Steve nodded so she knew he was following what she was saying and gave her his undivided attention.
"The first type is 'acute trauma' and that results from a single event, like being involved in a car accident or a mugging on the street… or having been shot… or falling off a train."
Steve sucked in a breath when she mentioned the train. His reaction didn't escape Emily's notice.
"Sgt. Barnes had an acute reaction to that psychological trauma as he fell from that train. He knew he was about to die and he had mere moments to come to terms with the fact that his life was about to end. Do you think he came to terms with that fact in the time he had before impacting the ground?"
Steve dropped his head as the memories of that exact moment came back to him in great clarity. Watching his best friend falling, hearing his scream… Steve closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. He's been hearing that scream every day he's been alive since that day. Emily waited for him to regain control of his thoughts. When he finally lifted his head, she continued.
"The second type is 'chronic trauma' and is the result of repeated and prolonged traumatic events such as ongoing violence or abuse. This is what Sgt. Barnes experienced… for seven decades," she reminded him. Steve nodded and gripped his coffee mug a little tighter.
"The third type is 'complex trauma' and that results from exposure to a variety of multiple traumatic events, often invasive and of an interpersonal nature. This is also what Sgt. Barnes has experienced. He's experienced trauma categorized in all three types I just listed."
She watched Steve closely as she reminded him of the reality of their situation. He wanted to believe that because he'd been able to make contact with Bucky Barnes that it would be pretty much smooth sailing from here; and who could blame him? She certainly wouldn't, but it would be detrimental to both him and Barnes if she allowed Captain Rogers to believe they had gotten past the hard part.
"When a person is traumatized," she continued, keeping her voice low and her tone soft, "the alarm and alert systems are activated; what we know as 'fight, flee or freeze': memory systems are overwhelmed with intense stimulation, which can lead to amnesia of the events or repeated experiences of the event through flashbacks. It also impacts the body's ability to return the mind to a restful state; what we call hyper-alert or hyper-focused. These effects of trauma can be varied and even cascading."
Steve raised his eyes to her. "What does that mean? Cascading?"
"The cascading effect refers to an unforeseen chain of events that is triggered when a specific event occurs within a particular system that has a negative impact on other, related systems.
"Let me explain. In conventional terms, cascading effects can occur, say, in a city's power grid, for example. When power lines are overloaded and a single line trip causes other lines to trip until the entire system closes down," she explained. "I think you can translate that example to the traumatized mind…"
Steve nodded. He understood perfectly. The thought of Bucky having a complete mental collapse from which he may never recover, terrified Steve.
"Usually, these trauma symptoms improve over time, when the patient receives immediate psychological care, but even then, some people experience lingering effects that can interfere with day-to-day living… and they don't go away on their own. People who experience chronic, long-term and invasive trauma are at a greater risk for post-traumatic stress disorder…that is Sgt. Barnes… that is Bucky."
"But it's not just about the fact that he's been traumatized. There are factors that influence the strength of the impact of those traumatic events: those factors include the frequency he was subjected to the trauma: how often… the duration of the traumatic events: which means when they occurred, the amount of time it was maintained, and the intensity of the attacks against him: were they subtle over time to wear him down, or was it explosive and immediate in order to overwhelm him? Or both?
"Other factors we look at to determine the strength of the traumatic events against the victim are: the presence of resulting injury, physical or otherwise and the identity of the perpetrator.
"We already know that they purposely injured him: they used convulsive shock therapy to alter his brain activity: they filled his body with a variety of strong and illicit drugs: they performed invasive surgical procedures on him, even to the point of amputating his arm at the shoulder and altering his physical body without his consent."
Steve's heart was in his throat and it was taking everything he had inside him to not break down and cry, but he understood why she was detailing the horrors put upon Barnes. He was losing sight of the work ahead. He just wanted so badly for it all to be over for Bucky's sake. He didn't even realize that she'd already gone over most of this information with the team weeks ago.
"I'm sorry if I'm upsetting you, Steve. It's not the purpose of my -."
"I understand why, Doctor," he told her. "I allowed myself to get caught up in the fact that Bucky's back. I lost sight of -."
"Steve, I want you to enjoy having Bucky back with you. I absolutely do. I just feel you might need a refresher at this point. You seem to be concerned about your actions toward him perhaps being a bit over the top -."
Steve nodded.
"Let me assure you, Captain, I see nothing of the sort. There is an equation we use in the field of psychology that helps us determine the relative risk of 'trauma response' in a patient beyond the trauma event itself, of course; that is always a prime consideration in the victim's response to it. The three other factors in that equation are: Protective Factors, Vulnerability of the victim and Resiliency Gained. Protective Factors includes support from family and friends which, when the victim is comforted by that support system, they promote greater resiliency to the effects of the trauma the patient experienced.
"Sgt. Barnes was denied that support structure… for seventy years. His handler, Karpov, was probably the closest person to him to show him any kind of comfort or understanding and I can assure you, whatever comfort he may have shown Barnes was simple subterfuge. He didn't mean it, but Barnes would want him to mean it even though he most likely knew that he wasn't being sincere. It's called 'gas lighting' and it would keep Barnes off balance and confused about Karpov's true participation in the pain that he endured.
"He experienced chronic, repeated, long-term traumas continuously for seventy years and was never given comfort, or support, or a sense of safety or protection. He had zero protective factors in all that time: which is why his resistance, to the effects of that trauma, was diminished over time.
"Resiliency could have been gained by building up his ability to face predictable challenges, but James was never able to predict when the events against him would occur. They did this to him on purpose. They made certain to keep him completely in the dark and off balance at all times: he could never prepare himself physically or mentally for the atrocities committed against him so he never achieved the ability to balance the deficits of the injuries with his own strengths.
"I don't think I have to actually go into detail about his Vulnerability Factor. We all know how incredibly vulnerable he was to their cruelty. He was vulnerable and without options: that awareness alone would be psychologically and emotionally traumatic.
"What we are trying to do here," she explained, "is to offer him what we call 'trauma-informed care'.
"What is that?" Steve asked, regaining his own clarity. "Trauma-informed care?"
"It's an effective and valuable strategy that can help combat the symptoms of trauma. It's what we've been doing this entire time, Steve. That's why I have to be sure you keep these strategies in mind at all times. Don't stop now. We're just getting started."
Steve understood now where she was going with this. "Okay. Can you tell me-? Remind me, please, what I need to do."
"I need you to be aware of how his mental health issues are direct responses to the traumas he's experienced; be understanding of how those traumas have affected him. If you get to the point of asking about past traumas, do so with great sensitivity."
"I don't think I could… ask… him… about… I couldn't ask him to… do that," Steve told her.
"I understand. We can leave that part to me," she told him. "But he may offer some details… and if he does disclose any details to you, I need you to remember them and tell me what they are as soon as you're able to do so."
Steve nodded. "I will."
"The reason I take the time to inform you, to educate you, on our strategy in this particular case is because I need you to be aware of the potential to cause more harm if our services to him are delivered without 'trauma awareness'. He cannot be treated like everyone else.
"There may be moments… most likely fleeting, when he will present himself as though he's beyond the trauma effects. Like when he asked for pizza," she reminded him and Steve flashed a smile with that memory. "It was a great moment and I'm glad I was there for it. Those moments are a gift, so enjoy them as they come, but don't rely on those moments to be an indicator that he's cured. He will never be cured."
Steve swallowed hard and nodded. That fact was a truth that he also believed, but it was heartbreaking to acknowledge.
"You need to understand that your strength and your compassion will help James find his own strength. He needs to see and acknowledge that he is strong and it was that very strength that helped him survive all that he's endured.
"In his eyes, you are trustworthy: you always have been. And it's that trust… the transparency that you two share, that will help him gain the resiliency he needs to cope with the effects that have crippled his mind and body.
"Above all, Steve, it's your ability to make him feel safe and secure that is crucial to his sense of well-being. When he finally realizes he no longer has to put all of his energy toward defense and survival, he'll be able to focus on healing and recovery.
"He wants to be able to lean on someone; to trust in someone. He knows he can lean on you and that will help him, over time, to start talking about those experiences and his feelings about what happened to him. That will be a whole new level of issues in which you'll need to help him through.
"He's going to need to face his feelings about it: all of it. He'll do his best to avoid talking about it and that's natural. Re-living traumatic events is the last thing survivors want to do, but too much avoidance can prolong the feelings of stress and prevent him from healing.
Steve stared down into his coffee mug and nodded.
"You've done a great job so far in prioritizing his self-care: so has Natasha. He's not quite at the point where he thinks about his own self-care as a priority, because it was never a priority to those in control of him. He needs to learn again that eating nutritious meals is important and so is getting regular physical exercise… getting a good night's sleep," she said the last with a smile and a glance toward the bedroom door. "We need to help him to seek out other healthy coping strategies… listening to music: creating art, whether it's sculpting clay or painting a picture. Meditation might be something he would benefit from or spending time in nature, going for walks and feeling the sun on his face, the wind in his hair…
Steve smiled softly at the images of Bucky sculpting something out of clay or painting a picture. He'd love to teach Bucky how to paint. It was always Steve's favorite pastime: sketching and painting.
"You're also going to have to help him to be patient with himself. He's going to have strong reactions to any memories he regains. He's going to react negatively toward his own disabilities. He's going to want to be the man he once was and every piece of evidence that reminds him that he never will be that man again is going to send him into a rage… or despair.
"He needs us to remind him that what he's endured took place over decades and he's not going to recover over need to be reminded of that at times," she said with an understanding smile. "He's not going to be free of these effects overnight, perhaps not for many years… it's very possible he will never be free of them," she told him.
"My point in telling you all of this, Steve is… don't back off now due to any insecurities you might have about what other people might think about your relationship. We don't care what other people might think."
Steve held her gaze as she reassured him that his tactics thus far had been perfect.
"You are precisely what James needs. You know him better than any of us," she reminded him. "You knew him decades before any of us were even born.
"The rest of us… well, most of us, only know of him as the Winter Soldier: and of that person, only what the news broadcasts stated about him as a terrorist; an assassin controlled by the Russians.
"During the Cold War; even the thought of someone like him existing was terrifying. Most people, I think, put him in the same category as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.
"He was a ghost story for most of us growing up and not many had even heard the stories. To most, he was a complete unknown entity. Natasha has a few memories of James that precede the Winter Soldier programming, but you… your memories, your knowledge of him as James Barnes, precedes that artificial creation by decades."
Steve thought about that and nodded. She was right. Bucky had no one else in the entire world who knew who he was before he became the Winter Soldier.
"Steve, I want you to take whatever course of action that you feel is best; at all times, for any reason, to make James feel safe and protected. Those are the things that were withheld from him and what he needs the most right now. You've loved and cared about him for ninety years… "
He thought about her words and nodded.
"No one here is looking to judge you on your actions… or your affections for your friend. You've mentioned to me before that you've often given thought and worry regarding your strong feelings for James, but from what I've seen… any one of us would feel extraordinarily lucky to have that level of connection with anyone that you have with Bucky.
"It might seem unusual to most people, only because the level of commitment you two have toward one another is beyond the normal experience. Most of us can't even fathom such a thing. You and he have a soul deep connection that is, quite frankly, legendary. Don't question it, now or ever. He needs that. I think you need that too."
Steve smiled knowing she was right. She had a lot to say to him, but he had to admit that he felt so much better after hearing her out. He felt re-energized and ready to take up the sword again. He offered her another cup of coffee, which she accepted and the conversation turned to more leisurely things.