Countdown to Confrontation
Hello everyone and welcome to the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober For This! Today we experience some of the after effects of the failed battle against Ophis and what our heroes plan to do now. And speaking of plans, Pat reon has come up with a new feature recently. I can now sell my posts, meaning for a small fee nonpatrons can take a look at what I've been posting! So for those patrons wondering why I haven't posted a newsletter yet, that'd be why as I've been trying to figure things out. So starting with my next newsletter anyone who wants to see what I'm posting but doesn't want to pay a monthly fee can still take a look at what's going on for only two dollars! Last thing, keep reading until the end as Third Fang has added a little Omake that I'm sure you'll all enjoy. Now then you've all waited long enough, so on to the story!
The Home of Shirou Emiya
"So, I can guess most of what happened while I was asleep." The otherworld Issei began. "But you're gonna need to explain why you've got Kratos' face tattoo on, well, your face."
"We were trying ideas for a collaboration." I sighed while sitting on the couch. Issei was across from me in one of the chairs. "We had just finished this when you woke up so I didn't have time to get it off."
"Don't worry." Serafall giggled from her spot on my lap. "I'll make sure we get to the loincloth fitting. I intend to do it personally."
So help us both if she tries to make me wear a fundoshi…
"I'd be more surprised if you didn't." I snorted good-naturedly. "You are a good costume fitter."
Issei blinked as his eyes moved back and forth between us.
"Seriously, the fuck happened while I was asleep?" He asked. "Are you two actually…?"
"An item?" Serafall winked. "I think you can figure it out. But first we need to get you up to speed on some of the plans we have for facing Ophis."
"So it does take the world to be ending for it to finally sink in that skull of yours. Neat. And judging from the bandages and the general mood outside of your mutual flirting, I can already tell everything's gone so far south it landed here in Hell." Issei blew out his breath. "What's the actual damage?"
"We didn't go in planning to fight but Ophis wouldn't budge in the negotiations so now Sirzechs and Falbium are out of commission." The magical girl Maou informed grimly. "And despite my current seeming energy, the only thing I'm in shape to tackle right now is horsing around with my Queen."
"Yes, we're all very happy for you, Nee-sama." Sona sighed from the other couch. "On the positive side, we have a larger intact force thanks to some of Shirou's actions battling Ophis, and Ajuka is uninjured. He recently completed the last modification to Shirou's scarf which will help him in the upcoming conflict." She turned to Issei. "Currently he's focusing all of his efforts on sending you home but if you need something from him he won't turn you down now."
"Last second top shelf commissions, you say?" The otherworlder mused thoughtfully. "How knowledgeable is Ajuka when it comes to on-the-spot custom mystical IEDs? Preferably of foreign origins? Is he up to snuff or do I have to go to Azazel to MacGuiver something on time?"
I wasn't the only one that stared at him and seriously contemplated whether or not we should ask for further details. It wasn't every day that someone blatantly questioned if the Devil was still good at making bombs.
"He's tinkered with as many devices as he could find." Rias, who was sitting right next to Sona, answered with some skepticism. "He's the closest thing we have to an expert among the Devils on the topic, but it really depends on what you are requesting. Should we ask why you want to know?"
"Probably not." The Red Dragon Emperor shrugged before standing up. "Oh, wait, you said Ophis put a snake in you, right?"
"My first kiss." I deadpanned. "I guess I should be thankful she looked legal age when she did it."
"It's better than getting caught with your pants down with a loli." Issei remarked before pointing at his wrapped arm. "This one here always complained about them: 'Loli's always lie about their age. Don't trust them. If they say they're eighteen, they're fourteen. If they say they're thirteen, they're in their mid-thirties bare minimum.' Jerk nearly had a breakdown when my Ophis played with the idea of seeing what was on 'the market' a few years back."
Rias' eye twitched at that.
"Sounds like a story I have no desire of ever hearing." I deadpanned.
"I wanna know." Sera immediately proved otherwise with literal sparkling interest.
"Maybe later. Can I check up on said Ophis snake first? I wanna check something." Issei shrugged, getting a few looks.
"You're not thinking of trying to take it out, are you? We told you what would likely happen if someone did." Sera looked at me cautiously.
"Oh no. I mean, I can do it if you want. This kind of spellwork is actually one of the few branches of dragon craft that I'm proficient in, but no. I just wanna have a quick look at the parasite and check something." As if to prove his point, our guest puffed out a small flare of fire that quickly morphed into a near-solid and active elemental dragon that immediately began to chirp and fly around the room.
"It's so cute." Rias cooed as it landed on her hand, and despite being made of pure fire, it didn't hurt or burn her in the slightest. She even started to pet it affectionately. "Can you teach my Issei how to do this?"
"I can get him started. And if he's anything…" The otherworlder started before catching himself mid-sentence and shaking his head as if to dissuade himself from that train of thought. "It'll take a while, but it's… likely, he can do it. Eventually. I'll write a few notes for him to go over later."
Clearly he had almost spoken of a rather sensitive topic that he would rather not go into detail about if the brief look of discomfort was anything to go by.
"Thanks. I appreciate it." Rias smiled genuinely.
I had no idea why, but something about her words and reaction made our guest uncomfortable. Not bashed or embarrassed, but straight-up unsettled.
"Right. No problem. Anyways, black worm thing. Shirt o-oh right, you're doing the Kratos thing. Saves me time." Clearly trying to change the topic, Issei went straight for my chest with glowing hands.
I could proudly say at that point that I had at that moment developed a newfound appreciation and respect for doctors and the standard that was private examinations.
No. Sona. Please stop. I can tolerate Sera looking at me like that when another reasonably in shape male put his hands on me, and Rias is to be expected given her personality, but you doing it is where my dignity draws the line.
"Huh."
The expression caught all of our attention. That wasn't a "huh" indicating something bad, or something was expected, but a "huh, now isn't that interesting" sort of grunt.
"Something wrong?" Sera asked, trying to hide the genuine worry in her body language. Most probably wouldn't pick it up, but Sona and I did.
"Not wrong, just… interesting…"
I knew that tone and look. It was the same one Rin had whenever she found something that caught her attention but she decided to keep quiet for one reason or another while investigating behind everyone's backs. Usually, it led to something that made me want to yell at her later on when it actually became relevant.
"Anyway, I need to go take care of some things. Let me know when Ophis calls for us." Sona opened her mouth, likely about to question what he'd need to take care of at a time like this, but before she could he opened a dragon gate and disappeared.
"So much for passing around ideas." Rias sighed. "Should we not have told him about the snake?"
"While we are all certain Ophis isn't listening in on us," the Sitri Heiress adjusted her glasses, "It is always possible our otherworld friend suspects that she's listening to him."
"Wouldn't put it past her." Serafall remarked. "We can count with the fingers on one hand the number of people capable of evading her like he did."
"But it still leaves us with a problem." I pointed out. "What are we going to do now if we can't discuss our plans with Issei?"
"There are plenty of ways we can communicate indirectly." My King—and now girlfriend—smirked. "Remember who you're talking to, the best diplomat of the Maous."
"Of course, you've learned all sorts of ways to pass secret messages." I shook my head but smiled in spite of myself.
"Believe it." Serafall pecked me on the lips. "And I know you're going to like some of them."
"I swear to G-OW! if I find you walking around with my sister's panties while we're here…" Sona breathed out an aggravated sigh due to the sudden sharp pain in her head.
"Oh don't worry, So-tan." The elder sister gave a closed-eye smile. "We'll save the rough stuff for when you and the others aren't around."
"I would like to point out that our relationship is not at that stage yet." I commented.
"We'll get there." She assured. "Though we might have to speed run a few places given current circumstances."
"Speaking of running," I said, looking around the room, "Have either of you seen Asia? I took note of everyone's location before coming over here, but I couldn't find her."
"Her body is in her room." Bennia suddenly appeared in the hallway entrance. "For some reason she insisted on being shoved in the closet. Something about 'flexibility testing'."
"What do you mean her body is in her room?" I raised an eyebrow. "Is that Reaper speak for something?"
"It's literal speak." She held up the soul container she'd offered to put my soul in. "After hearing my proposal, Asia wanted to see if I could really do it. She said it was for science."
The lid to the box opened to reveal Asia's floating, spectral head.
"Oh, hey Shirou!" She greeted happily. "Can you see my face alright? You were tall before but you're super tall now. And you're extracorporeal-looking too, or is that because I'm looking at you while incorporeal?"
"I can see you fine." I deadpanned. "What isn't fine is why my Bishop decided to get her soul ripped out of her body and shoved into a box."
"To be fair, it is a nice box." Bennia tried to help. She didn't.
"Didn't Bennia tell you it was for science?" The blond Bishop questioned.
"What sort of weird-ass science experiment requires your soul going into a box?" Rias questioned back.
"I'm exploring the nature of the soul." Asia added a 'whoo' like she was telling a ghost story. "And I don't mean like the presence of good and evil in the soul, or the journey of the soul, or where a soul goes when we die. I wanted to know if the soul was more like vapor or a fire or something unconventional like methane gas. More physical and literal and less metaphorical."
"Several researchers on the subject can testify that the soul is in fact not like methane." Sona rubbed her temple. "Thank the maker for that, life's depressing enough without our souls being the same composition as fart clouds."
"So, that means I'm not flammable then?" Asia missed the point entirely.
"It would make lighting a match at a cemetery way more interesting." Serafall snickered.
"Getting back on topic," I cleared my throat to get everyone's attention, "Your soul can go back in your body, right?"
"It'll go right back as soon as I release her soul from the box." Bennia assured. "The body is the soul's anchor to the physical world. So long as you're not using some form of magic to direct it into something else, the soul will recognize its original vessel."
"Oh, golden opportunity." Asia's soul turned to the little Reaper. "Put my soul back through different parts of my body and see if it affects the speed of integration. Start with my fine ass for the suppository approach and analyze the spiritual permeability of a Devil's large intestine."
"Please don't do butt stuff with your soul." I groaned.
For some reason this instantly attracted both Isseis and Akeno.
"Butt stuff?" They all asked simultaneously after popping out from behind different pieces of furniture.
Yep, planning these final steps was going to be a little tricky.
The Underworld: Camp of the Khaos Brigade
Georg let out a sigh as he continued to manipulate a variety of magic circles floating in front of him. Ophis' sudden order to build a dimensional space had caught many of the mages by surprise and the instructions they were given would not be easy to fulfill. She'd basically requested that they design a space capable of holding a battle between the fully powered Red and White Dragon Emperors. The Dragon of Infinity had assured them she would provide a little aid once she came to check on their progress but that had been yesterday and the Ouroboros Dragon was giving no signs that she was going to show up today.
"Just what is she going to do with this space?" The Hero Faction member could not help but wonder aloud. But his attention was drawn to a sudden noise as he turned to see that his leader had arrived. "Oh, Cao Cao, what brings you here?"
"Just coming to see if everything is going well." He informed. "But there is an important matter I was hoping to discuss with you in private."
"I see." Georg nodded before waving his hand. The purple mist of his Sacred Gear, Dimension Lost, surrounded them then, keeping their conversation away from prying ears and eyes. "What's got you sneaking about right now, Cao Cao?"
"That should be obvious: Ophis." The Hero Faction leader gritted his teeth. "You may have heard but she no longer intends to uphold our bargain. We're merely her pawns now in her own scheme to return to the Dimensional Gap."
"I suspected as much." The Sacred Gear wielder adjusted his glasses. "But what do you want me to do about it?"
"Naturally we can't take on the Dragon of Infinity in a direct confrontation." Cao Cao began. "But we've been given the means to lay a trap of our own. You were granted direct control over this dimensional space, correct?"
"Yes." Georg nodded. "Due to my knowledge of pocket dimensions, and more or less being a pocket dimension myself, Ophis has allowed me full control of the space, provided of course that I manipulate it to her specifications."
"And you will continue to have control of that space when she is inside, yes?" The Hero Faction leader further questioned.
"Ophis could probably manipulate this space herself if she wanted to." The Dimension Lost wielder mused. "But I think she believes her attention will be focused on other matters and that's why she's given the reins to us. Are you going where I think you're going with this?"
"I am merely suggesting that with the right manipulations," the spear wielder smiled deviously, "We could rid ourselves of not one but three problems in a single fell swoop."
Georg raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Did the Old Satan Faction put you up to this?"
"Would it matter to you if they did?" Cao Cao asked back. "We need to remove as many obstacles as we can in order to achieve our own goals. Ophis did well to incapacitate the majority of the Maous but now that she's no longer interested in helping the Brigade we have no reason to keep her around."
"I suggest you tell me what your brilliant plan is before I agree to anything." The Hero Faction member requested. "If I'm going to be attempting to remove one of the most powerful beings in the world, I at least want to know how so I can tell you whether or not it'll even work."
"It's a method I think you'll enjoy." His leader smirked. "After all, you'll be making your own lost dimension in the process."
A Couple Days Later: The Sitri Mansion
The sound of clashing blades filled the main training area of the large mansion as I parried attacks from Karasuba. Her technique had improved thanks to all of the training she'd undergone and now she was less aggressive and more strategic in her approach to combat, at least against me. She'd figured out my fighting style during our bout in the fake Kuoh, which was still being rebuilt thanks to a certain someone, and applied that knowledge to our sparring session now. "So, we've got no idea when you're going to get called up?" She asked as we engaged in a blade lock.
"Afraid not." I grunted as we separated and exchanged a few more blows. "Ophis didn't bother with any specifics about what to expect so I've got no idea how long we'll be waiting."
"Well, we could take the offensive." My bloodthirsty Queen suggested. "Whatever Ophis is planning on doing, we could mess it up and catch her off-balance."
"If we were fighting an ordinary opponent, I might agree with that course of action." I blocked her latest overhead strike and shoved her back. "But this is Ophis we're talking about. Catching her by surprise will be meaningless if we go in there without a way to actually damage her. I know you felt how strong she was when you watched our fight."
"And Ddraig confirmed that still wasn't her full strength." Karasuba charged forward with a series of slashes that I dodged or blocked. "But how many options do we really have? If we go along with her we'll be at even more of a disadvantage." We clashed one last time before separating.
"I get that it's frustrating." I acknowledged with a nod. "But Issei is working on something that hopefully should help tilt the odds in our favor, though for obvious reasons I can't know what it is."
"I can't help but wonder how much Ophis listens to with that snake?" Karasuba rested her new sword on her shoulder. "Do you think she hears you go to the bathroom?"
"God forbid." I cringed at the thought, though regretted my choice of words when I saw my Queen wince a little from it as well. "By the way, what do you think of the sword you picked out?"
The dragon girl pointed it upwards before swinging it a few times.
"I like the size and the balance on it." She hummed in thought while looking at the blade. "But I guess that's not such a surprise since its size changes based on the wielder."
"I was honestly surprised how quickly you picked it out." I recalled. "When I had Xenovia pick a sword it took her pretty much all day to decide."
"It helped that you only showed me the type of sword that I like." Karasuba smirked in amusement while resting the sword on her shoulder again. "The old monkey ran me through several weapons before I decided on the nodachi. Never figured out why but this weapon just jives with me."
"I know the feeling." I nodded while looking at the two swords I was wielding. Unlike my usual, they were longer, one being of European make while the other was Japanese. It was still my preferred dual-wielding style, but my favorite sword duo would always be Bakuya and Kanshou. I just gravitated towards them and the combat options they offered. Maybe it was that feeling that led Karasuba to her current weapon.
It took her all of fifteen minutes in Unlimited Blade Works before she made her choice, and based on our sparring session so far, it had been a good decision. She and the odd weapon had taken to each other like a duck to water and if I hadn't known better I'd have easily believed the dragon girl had been wielding it for some time. Guess there really is no substitute for good experience.
Though any further sparring we might've done at that moment was interrupted by our otherworld guest walking through the far side of the training area. "Issei," I called, "Do you need something here?"
"Nope, just passing through, got lots more prep work to do." He responded while continuing to walk by with a bored-as-can-be tone.
One might have assumed he wasn't taking anything seriously if his nose wasn't currently buried in a physics book, holding it up with his right hand while his left was literally nothing more than a crimson blur, jabbing and moving at quite literally thousands of times per second according to my eyes. It honestly hurt my arms just imagining doing that many repetitions in a single go, Devil biology and free weights or not.
"You know you can tell some of us what you're up to." Karasuba remarked. "All this nervousness is permeating the mansion and it's starting to smell."
"Just sniff some smelling salts or whatever." The otherworld Issei called back in a tone that made it hard not to assume he was rolling his eyes. "And stop obsessing over what you think I'm doing. The more you guys hype up whatever I'm doing the more likely Ophis might actually think it'll be worth paying attention to."
"Do you at least have a plan?" The dragon girl asked. "That's what everyone is really wondering."
"I have a series of random ideas that may or may not theoretically prove beneficial against an entity that represents the immeasurable. Whether any will work in any capacity is another matter entirely." He stopped and looked back. "if that sounds like a plan to you, then maybe I do have one that will let us survive this nonsense and maybe I don't."
He exited the room as Karasuba and I both sighed. Truth be told, even telling us just that probably was too much in hindsight.
"Guess we just tell everyone there's a plan and hope it calms some nerves." I shrugged while dismissing my swords.
"I'm personally not all that worried." Karasuba sent her new weapon back into her Sacred Gear. "But Illya is getting a little nervous and I gotta tell her something to reassure her."
"We're all a little worried right now." I admitted. "Hard not to be considering what we're up against."
"Well it hasn't stopped you from doing what you do." The elder Hyodou sibling shrugged. "So go out there and give it your all like usual. Worst comes to worst, you can always self-destruct and hope that does something."
"Sure you want that?" I snorted. "If I die then you'll have to take over babysitting Asia while also dealing with Kuroka, Xenovia, and my Pawns. I don't know how busy my sister keeps you but I don't have to explain what a handful Asia and Xenovia could be."
As if on cue, my Knight suddenly burst into the room with a large red cape sporting the symbol of a lion.
"My lord!" She announced. "I believe I have found the appropriate attire for you to meet Ophis in! A king should look the part for the most important meetings of his life!"
"Nope, can't say I want to deal with that." Karasuba shook her head. "Try not to die out there, Emiya."
Three Days Later
It turned out that planning was a little difficult when you didn't know the time and the place of something that would occur. Despite their best efforts, the Maous' spies couldn't get far enough behind enemy lines to find out just what the Khaos Brigade were up to, or if they had they didn't make it back alive. This meant the bulk of our planning was centered around ways to deal with Ophis or at least prolong her efforts to get what she wanted. A naturally tricky proposition for obvious reasons, considering her near invulnerability to all kinds of things.
The Otherworld Issei's movements were also erratic, as should've been expected. I and everyone else usually glimpsed him wandering around in random places or just popping up for a few moments only to disappear again with his usual impassive expression as though nothing was amiss.
Apparently he even requested to go up to the Angel Faction at one point, but I only knew that because Michael happened to tell us during a meeting, though the Archangel had no idea what Issei did while he was up there outside of visiting God's chambers for a couple of hours. Fortunately that trip didn't involve anything exploding.
The only other person who had even the slightest idea what our guest might be doing was Ajuka and he'd only told Serafall the bare minimum.
So when the call finally came, I was just as much in the dark about what our plan was as I'd been the first day this all started. It would be, and I shouldn't have been surprised by this, right as I was finishing up making a large meal for Shirone and the others.
"It's time." Ophis' voice made me jump as I turned around with Bakuya summoned in my right hand. "There is no need to fret, I am contacting you through the snake."
"Any reason you couldn't have just used your communication seal like last time?" I asked, somehow still feeling funny that I was talking to myself in a way.
"The snake is just as easy and I'm certain yours and the other Peerages will believe you." She pointed out. "Now, make haste to No Man's Land. You have two hours to say your goodbyes to everyone, so I suggest you get started. Also, bring me some of that food when you come."
"Alright." I nodded, though my expression was anything but pleased. I moved out into the living room and took a deep breath. "Everyone, the food's ready but I'll need to pack some of it up."
My expression and odd request was more than enough to tip them off to what was going on.
"So, does that mean she called?" Serafall frowned.
"Yes." I confirmed. "We've got two hours. So I'm afraid we're going to have to eat and run. Also, let Issei know that it's time."
"Fuck." Said Otherworlder suddenly appeared while rubbing his head. "Figures she'd call right now."
"Did you happen to finish all your preparations?" Sona asked while adjusting her glasses.
"We're as ready as we're gonna be." Issei yawned. "Could have gone with an extra day to get some sleep in, but oh well."
"Anything left we should do?" I asked.
"Hmmm, yeah, one small thing." He walked up to me casually and slipped something small into my hands. It was a small vial containing a substance from the feel of it, but he did so without giving anyone else an opportunity to get a peek at it.
A quick structural grasping through my hands told me it was…
"The hell? Issei, what, no, where on Earth did you get—?" I paled as the information flooded my mind. I knew Issei had been moving behind the scenes to prepare, but even I didn't expect something as uniquely vicious as this to come into my possession.
"Shhh! No-no! No words." Issei cut me off while tapping on his chest to remind me of Ophis' snake. "I know. I'm not telling. And that's a last resort backup just in case. One you can put to better use than I ever could for obvious reasons."
"Awww. Secrets at this point aren't fun. I thought you'd trust us more. Right Shirou?" Sera pouted before noticing that I still hadn't recovered from my shock. "Shirou?"
"Must have been something interesting." Karasuba smirked. "Why, I think I might actually be getting chills trying to look at it."
Everyone else might have been convinced, but my Queen wasn't joking. I could tell that she really was uncomfortable just being near what I had been handed. Not that I blamed her. Personally I was surprised Issei himself was as calm as he was holding onto it for as long as he did.
"You really are a piece of work." I regained my composure and shook my head with a defeated chuckle as I pocketed the "gift" I had received.
"I tell people to leave me alone for a reason. This is simply an example of finding out after people fuck around me too much." Issei shrugged with a hint of exhaustion in his tone and body language.
I believed him with every fiber of my being.
"Now then, let's go deal with the world's most dangerous loli, shall we?"
The Camp of the Maous
The atmosphere was, understandably, grim as I, Issei and all the assembled Peerages were gathered and looking out at where the two of us would be going in the next few minutes. The time for preparation had ended and the moment of truth would soon be upon us.
With that in mind, everyone knew there was only one thing left to do.
"Well, this is it." I turned to everyone. "I never thought the future of my life would hinge on whether or not I become the chef of an all-powerful dragon loli, but that's what's happening right now. As per the usual, my Devil's Luck has led me to the most ridiculous of situations so, anyone got anything they'd like to say before we do this?"
"I think I speak for most of my Peerage when I say, thank you." Rias bowed. "Without you I never would've pushed myself as hard as I have to become the best that I could be. I still have a lot of work to do but my path has never been more clear."
"I must also thank you." Sona adjusted her glasses. "To be clear, having you around has caused no end to headaches and that includes the current situation. But you saved my life, the lives of my Peerage members, and others I consider my friends. You also showed me that I was far more capable at certain things than I ever could've imagined. And just so you know, if you die I'm burying that tracksuit with you."
"Not sure if that's supposed to be a threat but alright." I nodded.
"I would also like to thank you." Kiba stepped up. "My understanding of the sword has never been stronger, and going forward, I will use all the lessons you taught me to defend my Peerage. I will also keep your aria alive."
"If you mean you're going to recite my Unlimited Blade Works chant in mid-battle, please don't." I sweat-dropped.
"I'm going to step up and be the man my Peerage needs me to be!" Saji gave me a thumbs up. "So don't you worry about a thing, Aniki!"
"You still gonna try enacting that plan of yours?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Of course I—!"
BAM!
He was silenced by a fist connecting with his face. It took me a few seconds to realize that I had thrown the punch.
"Sorry, Will of Serafall and brotherly instinct." I only half-apologized as Asia got to work healing the twitching idiot.
"I, for one, shall not say goodbye." Xenovia declared. "As my King you are the mightiest, I know you'll find a path to victory. And even if you should fall, I know you will return one day!"
"I'll try not to disappoint." I shook my head good-naturedly.
"You'd better not." Karasuba remarked. "I'm not gonna be the head of this dysfunctional family you've put together. On an unrelated note, I guess I should say thanks for convincing me not to die."
"Just remember to keep living for the others." I responded seriously.
"We shall also continue to live for the sake of your Peerage." Raziel said before genuflecting, with his siblings following suit. "If those are your orders."
"Yes, take care of the others as best you can." I confirmed.
"Shirou," Asia spoke up, "I just want to say it's been really fun. I haven't been able to enjoy life like this anywhere else other than your Peerage. But you should know if you die, I'll start wearing those shirts again."
"Don't you fucking dare." I responded in, mostly, mock seriousness.
"Onii-chan!" Illya ran to me and hugged me tightly around the waist. "Promise you'll come back! I don't want to lose another family member!"
Damn it, she was so adorable.
"I promise I'll give it my all." I patted her head. God, her hair was so soft. "But in case I don't, Serafall and Karasuba will take care of you."
"Damn right we will." Serafall approached as Illya stepped back. "But don't think that dying is gonna get you away from me. You finally confessed your feelings to me and now we've got our whole lives ahead of us." She pulled me into a passionate kiss, which I reciprocated. "So come back to me, my hero."
"I will." I gave her my best look of determination. When that seemed to be everybody, we turned to leave, but before we could, Shirone stepped forward.
"I… have something to say to Issei." She revealed. She looked a little nervous.
"What is it jail—er, Shirone?" He asked.
Shirone took a deep breath.
"Can mew imyagine an imyaginyary mewnyagerie mewnyager imnyagining mewnyaging an imyaginyary mewnyageri?!" She recited the tongue-twister at a speed I didn't think possible.
We all blinked owlishly at her.
"Shit, I guess you can do it after all." The otherworlder chuckled in amusement.
"I'm a true neko and don't you forget it." The white-haired Rook declared before moving back to stand with everyone else only to be tackled by her sister.
I couldn't deny that I wanted to hug her, too.
"That was one of the secret rites of the neko!" Kuroka roared almost hysterically and jumped to the front to cradle her sister's head while glaring at the otherworlder in vile suspicion. "I was supposed to teach Shirone the rite! Who told you our secrets!?"
"Nya? It's actually a thing?" Shirone balked. Judging from the looks of some of the others, they were just as surprised.
As usual, our guest didn't help matters with his pleased evil cackle.
"You have no shame in ruining the moment, do you?" Sona glared at him.
"I'll change my mind when the moment starts working in my favor for once." The accused shamelessly declared.
"At least he doesn't pretend to be innocent when he bullshits like most politicians." Sera mused out loud.
"That isn't really setting a high bar, Nee-sama." Sona noted.
"And yet so many people still fail it." I knew that smile. Sera was fantasizing about getting rid of more than a few headaches again.
Wriggling out of her sister's grip, Shirone approached me and wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace.
"Don't die." She said, her words muffled since she was pushing her face against me. "You're my servant, so I order you not to die."
Chuckling lightly, I ran my hand through her hair, and it pleased me to see that she didn't so much as flinch at my touch.
"I promise." I said, and she released me.
I could feel Illya glowering at her rival, and I resisted the urge to sigh when Shirone shot my sister a vindictive smirk that lasted for all of half-a-second before it was replaced with that doll-like expression that just didn't feel natural and its wearer returned to her sister's embrace.
"Welp, guess that's everyone." Issei and I turned towards No Man's Land. "Let's go hash it out with a dragon."
"Loli of Infinity Negotiations - Part Two." Issei cracked his neck. "Let's get down to boogaloo."
The two of us enhanced our bodies then and rushed out towards the location that had been specified. When we arrived, Ophis was already waiting for us with a table and chairs set out.
"Welcome." She greeted while sipping some tea. "Did you bring the food as requested?"
"Here." I opened the bag I'd brought and laid it out. After studying it briefly, Ophis took her first bite, then another, and then another. "Just so you know, this is the last time I cook for you under these conditions."
"I take it that means you still aren't willing to come quietly." Ophis mused between bites. "That's a shame, I don't enjoy hurting you."
"The only thing you enjoyed before Emiya's food was silence." Issei pointed out. "And we offered you that."
"You offered me a nonpermanent solution." The Ouroboros Dragon reminded. "But Grandfather is more than capable of offering a permanent one. Your refusal to awaken him has led to the current situation, and while I thank you for repairing the signal that was eating away at my mind, that too would've been a non-issue had you simply complied in the first place."
"And as I explained before, Ghost will tear this universe a new one if I free him right now." The otherworlder countered. "To call him pissed at the moment is an understatement."
"Grandfather is not childish enough that he won't hear you out if you explain the situation to him." Ophis surmised while eating another plate full of food. Bits of her meal were now stuck on her cheek, and I had to resist the urge to wipe it off with a napkin.
"Yeah if you actually had a chance to hear what I got up to because of him, you'd know just how childish he can be." Issei snorted. "Well, he isn't the sort that wipes out realities for shits and giggles in the first place, but I guess you could say that him being immature and him being angry are almost two different monsters entirely. A line was crossed back home and the consequences are pending because of it."
"You speak as though it has nothing to do with you." Ophis showed the slightest bit of curiosity in the declaration.
The boy looked at the god with an impassive stare that matched her own. "Let's just say that I already took more than a few pounds of flesh already, and it left me dissatisfied on multiple levels."
"Hoh?" Ophis blinked once before returning to her food. "That makes sense I suppose. I thought I caught the stench of old blood and fire on you. You must have slaughtered quite the number to have it linger for this long. Tens, no, hundreds of thousands at least. Millions more likely."
"Fucking useless showers." I pretended not to hear the unintentional mutterings under my friend's breath, just as I stopped myself from looking to see what his physical reaction was to the accusation.
Issei had a short temper and his skill with his Sacred Gear was impressive, but he still made a point that he disliked getting involved and escalating real issues whenever possible. Millions? I was stuck between understanding why he was so evasive about his past and wanting him to tell me what exactly happened the day he supposedly broke down.
"I see, despite being a dragon, you are still tied to your human side. No wonder there is an instability in you. Many humans go mad taking just one life. Even the ones suited for murder rarely last to make it to the mere hundreds. You possess quite the fortitude or mental anchor to remain functional after committing such a deed at a young age." Ophis' tone was calm, as though she was talking about the weather. "That said, I'm certain we are both aware that such feats pale in comparison to my own."
The terrifying thing was that she wasn't trying to provoke or insult Issei. Nor flaunt her superiority. She was merely stating facts with as much disinterest as reading a random article from the newspaper.
Issei took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. A calming exercise that I only just realized he had stopped doing at some point during his stay here. "Don't treat me like the idiots in this world. I'm more than aware of where I stand in this matter and the sort of abominations needed to actually catch your interest. I'm disturbed, not desperate."
"Such confidence coming from someone poised against me."
"It's the confidence of someone so far gone that they don't care about doing something unequivocally stupid. Sound suspiciously familiar?"
A chill ran down my spine as Ophis paused her eating for a moment to genuinely look at Issei. Only for a moment. "Sarcasm does not suit you."
I kicked my partner's foot under the table. We were trying to negotiate with the Dragon God, not piss her off.
Issei snorted dryly. If anything, Ophis' brief moment of irritation only seemed to embolden him. "The ironic thing is my whole situation with him being in my right arm happened because he was trying to hide from your counterpart in my world to avoid dealing with these sorts of politics. He's not exactly the sort to be thrilled when someone requests his services for this sort of thing, even on a good day… you could say that he has a reputation for his immense distaste for it."
Okay, I'd be the first to say that my interdimensional god lore was on the non-existent side of things, but even I could tell that Issei was alluding to some disaster that Ophis should at least be somewhat aware of.
"Then you have him to blame for the current situation as well." She hummed. "I'm not asking for much, just to go home. If you are incapable of contacting Grandfather then I'll have to force him out of you."
"How many times do I have to tell you, that'll destroy the universe if we do that now. The guy's asleep, not unaware." The otherworlder sighed, scratching his head. "Honestly, it's almost as if you…"
Ophis was too absorbed in her meal to notice, but my partner's trailing off mid-sentence and narrowing eyes were glaring warnings that he had figured out something particularly important.
Scratch that. Judging from his hitched breath and skipped heartbeat, he had found out something ominously important.
"Which is why we are here to find a way to do that without mass casualties." I jumped in before Ophis noticed something was off.
Issei groaned in frustration. "An easy and obvious answer is already right in front of us. We wait. You're not in a rush right now and I have literally zero interest in immortality or excessive longevity. Can't we just pass Ghost the message when he's in a better mood and wait for me to keel over naturally in a few decades at most and save everyone the shitshow?"
I frowned. A few decades at most?
"People thought you as being intelligent." Ophis dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. "Has it really not occurred to you by now that I don't care what happens to this universe so long as I return home? You've had plenty of time to come up with a solution to prevent your universe from being destroyed by Grandfather. If you haven't figured out a way to contact him or convince him by now then that's your failure."
"Says the cultured genius that thinks they can actually outrun a multi-reality-erasing-tier god-killer utilizing only a singular reality's concept of infinity." The teen was clearly holding back his temper with a whimsical and unimpressed tone that held a thinly veiled bite. "I assure you I do have some alternative ideas if necessary. You just wouldn't like them since they don't get you what you want. Some of which involve Grandma."
For once Ophis didn't immediately respond, instead actually showing genuine irritation and a hint of trepidation as she regarded the young man in front of her.
Which made sense in hindsight considering that said "Grandma" was the only entity according to Issei that was higher on the cosmic food chain than "Grandpa".
"I'm disappointed if that's the best you can muster." Ophis wasn't bored anymore. "Even if you were capable of calling the attention of The Queen that Hoards Her Name, is mutual assured destruction truly the best you can do?"
Well considering that if Ophis got what she wanted, pretty much everyone was going to die anyways, it would provide a level of vindictive schadenfreude to the victims.
"Heh. Heheheheh."
It was a dry, strained laugh coming from Issei. I could practically feel the heat rising at the table, as though instead of a child expressing amusement, it was a genuine fire-breathing monster next to me doing so. It was the expression of someone that had clearly reached the end of their patience trying to be polite.
Issei looked up, and smiled. It was not a pleasant smile.
"Oh I can, but seeing as you clearly have your mind set on the matter, let's show some cards first and air out who is the one really bluffing here, shall we?"
Bluffing?
Ophis blinked in confusion and frowned slightly. "Bluffing? What do you mean by that?"
"I mean, there's only a handful of reasons that a genuine God ever wants to rush something that is inevitable. Inaccurate or not, human mythology is rife with tales that are started by or follow such events. But the most common cause of one is to cover up when they fucked up, and don't want anyone to know about it."
The table was ominously quiet as both parties, both dragons, stared one another down.
Issei spoke again.
"Shirou, remember what I said earlier during my little visit to address that signal driving dragons mad? If a founding system goes down, all the associated mysteries go down with it? Well surprise-surprise, the biggest mystical system out there, before you get to the cosmic scale bullshit, is the World itself. Mystical animals. Spirits. Elementals. And of course, Gods. Genuine Gods, of course, not those minor ones born from simple accumulated misguided belief overtime. These sorts of entities are tied to their worlds, their territories, and can't move around as freely as most mortals assume. Not unless said entities mutate themselves and adapt to a new system in the process, but our friend here is particularly adamant about staying in the gap. Away from any and all systems entirely."
I frowned in confusion for a moment before realizing what he was getting at. "If the system goes down, the associated entities do as well. Including Gods… but if our current universe dies, wouldn't that mean…?"
Issei's smile widened maliciously, and Ophis genuinely scowled.
"It was embarrassing enough to get kicked out of the one responsibility you were supposed to have and take seriously. You were the primary barrier that filtered what came into this reality from the outside before you wandered off and that idiot Red took over. Not that he's doing much of a decent job of it either, considering Shirou and I are here in the first place, not even counting all those close calls with Cthulu's ilk as of late. But even that doesn't compare to the humiliation you're facing now should it get out, is it?"
"Hold on. Wait. Give me a moment, I'm confused." I held up a hand and shook my head to try and get everything in order.
Ophis didn't care if the world was destroyed, even if it should in theory kill her as a result? Issei was constantly throwing out references to interdimensional events and feats that a God like Ophis supposedly was expected to know or react to, but was stonewalled if not outright ignored every time. It wasn't even a matter of acknowledgement of him telling the truth, but more like she acted as though she was above repercussions. Almost as if…
No.
No, it couldn't be…
I slowly turned to Issei. "You're… not saying what I think you are, are you?"
Issei's twisted smile widened further. "I was wondering why the divinity in the snake she gave you paled in comparison to the ones made back home. I told you before, I've known the Ophis back home since I was five. It was easy for me to spot the difference."
I went pale, and the world went quiet.
Ophis… wasn't a God anymore.
Or at least, she had lost enough of her divinity over the past few centuries that she no longer qualified as one.
She was still an absurdly powerful dragon with the power of the infinite that eclipsed virtually everything and anything on this planet by leagues, but she was no longer a Divine Representative of the planet itself.
It explained why she did not react to those references to Godly events. She no longer possessed the instinctual awareness of them outside of a few core fundamentals like recognizing "Grandmother" and "Grandfather".
It explained why she did not fear the destruction of the universe. She would not die with the world.
It even explained why my chains did not work as effectively as they should have during the previous fight against her. If her Divinity was as low as I now assumed, their enchantments wouldn't function at peak level.
And if there was a boost that being a God gave her, then even if Ophis wanted to destroy the world, the reason why she wanted Ghost to do it instead of simply doing it herself and skipping the extra steps was simple: she couldn't. She didn't have the influence or power to do a complete job. Wreck and murder everyone that lived on Earth, yes, but not destroy it proper.
"Is that all you wished to claim? Even if such an absurd notion was true, do you believe for a moment that it would grant you some sort of advantage in this situation?" There was a second layer of pressure at the table, causing the stones and debris in the landscape to crack and rumble erratically.
I probably would have felt it more, had the pressure that Issei began to generate not counteracted it almost eagerly. Looking back, I would realize it was the first time that Issei looked like he was interested or motivated in fighting someone, let alone do anything for that matter. There wasn't a shred of trepidation in his body, only eager anticipation.
Fuck me, he was actually looking forward to fighting Ophis.
Unfortunately, looking across the table, the same could be said about Ophis if her glowing eyes and haunting stare were any indication.
"Not really. And yet here I shamelessly am. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?" Issei held his ground with pure confidence.
"You are an embarrassment. Even Ddraig and Albion know better than to rouse my ire, regardless of what those whelps proclaim."
"You know what they say about arguing with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. That begs the question, which one of us is the idiot in this scenario? The hyper-obsessed porn fool punching up? Or the former God-child playing pretend and trying to end the world just to hide her dignity? For all we know, we're on the same level of moron. Welcome to the club. Weekly meetings have snacks and pop and free entry at the local community center."
I wanted to say something, anything to calm down the mood at the table between the two dragons that were literally radiating with desire to put the other in their place, but if I did that I'm pretty sure I'd be the "idiot" in the analogy.
Ophis snorted.
"Hah. On the same level? Us? Of all the empty hot air you've breathed, that is by far the most insulting I have heard in quite some time." The Dragon of Infinity shook her head. "It appears we've come to an impasse. So be it. The following can be considered a result of your actions."
She snapped her fingers, and in a flash, we were all teleported to the final battlefield of the current war.
0. 0. 0.
Omake
"Thanks for the work." Issei yawned as he pocketed his commissions, standing across the desk from Ajuka Beelzebub, the last remaining Maou still on duty.
"It was an interesting project, and the leftovers will definitely be put to good use." The Maou replied with only the slightest hint of amusement.
"Hopefully not while I'm still here." The Sekiryuutei half-joked before turning around before pausing. "Speaking of leftovers, I forgot to tell you, I did a bit of custom tweaking in God's room while I was there that you might want to know ahead of time."
"Oh? Do tell." The Maou leered oh so slightly at the teen, half in curiosity and half in wariness. He had learned like everyone else to never underestimate this one. The young dragon could go from "porn" to "cosmic" within the same breath. It was both impressive and terrifying.
"It's nothing too significant. I just tweaked it so that those that are truly faithful and believe in God no longer get attacked by the system if they do simple stuff like pray to him, even if they are turned into Devils." Issei shrugged. "A minor inconvenience to Devils with peerages in general if they do have a member of the cloth in their group, but really, who is dumb enough to force the severely devout into their home? Let alone almost a dozen of them?"
A certain dumbass younger brother entered Ajuka's mind. "... Who indeed?"
"I mean, just imagine it. Sitting at the table for dinner, and then a dozen nuns saying grace, making their master's head explode. Or just give them an aneurysm that knocks them out for fuck knows how long." Issei almost taunted knowingly.
"The poor individual would indeed be most unfortunate. And out of everyone's hair for quite some time." Ajuka hummed thoughtfully. "You've given me much to ponder about. I do believe I should do so while giving my brother a surprise visit."
"You're such a doting sibling. I believe your brother is the sort that has his peerage members answer the door for him, even if it's for honored guests?"
"Indeed he is. And the type to make others wait on him too. Those poor peerage members of his will have to spend quite some time alone entertaining me for the duration. Why, maybe even long enough that I'd be able to speak to every member of his Peerage."
"Such an accommodating younger brother you have."
"Quite."
The eyes of both Dragon and Devil glimmered with malicious amusement.
Four hours later, Diodora Astaroth was found unconscious at the dinner table bleeding from his eyes and ears while every member of his all former Holy Maiden Peerage loudly panicked to every person they could find.
He wouldn't wake up for another week, long after any information he would have given the Khaos Brigade had expired in use.
And so the final battle against Ophis has begun! And for those wondering, no, I don't believe everyone will be just standing around waiting while it goes on. And once again stop by my Pat reon and see about the new feature for looking at my posts! Last thing, stop in next time as that new dimensional space gets put to the ultimate test! 'Til then.