Chapter 41

Admissions

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process

1.

Meredith slept deeply and beautifully, like the whole world had disappeared. Her bed felt comfortable for a first time ever, warmer and homier now that she could feel him near, and she let everything else go. At some point when they were asleep, no longer cuddled, she turned on her stomach, sprawling her body in whatever position was comfortable with the soreness coming in and out of her body- some physical, some from the anxiety she'd held in for weeks. It felt wonderful to let go, and she laid next to him, half-off the pillow, hair going everywhere, spreading her limbs like starfish. Probably in the most un-elegant way, but she couldn't care less. All she could feel was relaxed, and limp, tingly and happy, unable to attach to any serious thought. The sheet was hugging her body until somewhere at her waist, and although usually she was against wearing nothing, right now she couldn't really care, which was an extremely pleasant thought.

When the world came into focus, she popped her head up in direction of the door. Derek was coming in, carrying a tray with pancakes, syrup and coffee and a grin spread on her face. How could anyone feel so blissfully happy? And also, why had she avoided it until now? She waited for him to grin back at her, to come and kiss her, to- but the grin was frozen on his face and he had stopped in place, examining her laying on her stomach with the sheet over half of her body only. His face was unreadable.

Her heart started speeding.

God-damn-it-it's fine- it will be- She couldn't take it.

'What's wrong?' Her voice was quiet, but the anxiety shot up when he carefuly tracked through the room, abandoning the tray at the table and sitting in the bed, resting his back on the bedrest behind him.

The spell was officially broken. Suddenly sobered up, she twisted in the covers, raising up to sit the same way, pulling the sheet around her, ashamed and alarmed without knowing why, and scared of his next words.

He took a deep breath like he was trying to calm down himeself down, and his fingers wrapped around hers, threading through them uncertainly. He wasn't looking quite at her. The tears prickled in her eyes. What the hell?

2.

(Meredith's POV)

'Why didn't you tell me?' He says and I look at him, my heart sinking. What? He'd making soothing circles at the back of my hand with his finger, though I'm not certain if it's for his or my benefit. I try to meet his eyes and he's avoiding mine.

'I-I-don't-' I stammer, and he squeezes my hand, stopping me.

'Did you really think I am this blind?' and before I get what he's saying, he continues, sort of talking to himself a bit. 'Maybe I am this blind. I got caught up in the moment yesterday. I have no excuse. I'm sorry.'

My face scrunches up full of bundled emotions swirling in me as I'm trying to figure out what he is saying. My mind is racing through everything I haven't told him and wanted to when I went on the balcony. Was this about repeating the year? How did he hear that? Before I have went over all possibilities, his hand untangles from mine, and trails at my back, down my shoulder and lower, until it gets to one rougher patch of skin. His fingers stop gliding and trace around the bruise both of us now know is there. God damn it.

In the beautiful mess that yesterday has been, I forgot. It all got obliterated from my head so entirely, drunk on adrenaline and emotion, and I have almost FORGOTTEN. And now it's all back and swirling in my mind. I don't even know how to begin. There is so much I just stopped telling people at some point. The bruises, the lies, the polaroid picture, walking out of the exam, the repeating my first year, like some hellish trail of crumbs through a forest leading me to a house where I get eaten by the witch like f**cking Hazel and Gretel. Or something like that. I can probably trace it all back to that first day when Liam came back and I couldn't report it. And it's all messy, too messy.

'It's not your fault.' I finally tell Derek with a heavy face, finally placing his expression coming in.

I'd been laying on my stomach, with the sheet only really covering part of the lower part of my body. Most of the bruises really were on my back. And they had been all out for him to see. I can't think of what else to say. You would think this will make it easier to say all I wanted. It doesn't really. I'd wanted to prepare him. To start at the beginning. Tell him the whole story. And then and only then show him. Maybe. I hadn't thought of that yesterday. I'd been too taken by the moment. Clearly, so was he.

I'm trying to clear my head to know what else to say that will make sense.

I can't. I doesn't even make sense to me. Clearly he's wrestling with the same, trying to figure out what to say first.

'That- that wasn't us, right? It wasn't me that hurt you?' Not that it could have been, but even if we had been this blinded by adrenaline, but regardless, I know he knows the answer as he asks. I know he saw the color of the bruises and knows that they are healing ones, made in the last couple of weeks, already turning the purple and blue to yellow, not the first reddish color or deep purple of fresh bruises. I know he knows that, so I let him continue, just confirming that it wasn't him in a short nod. He swallows hard. 'W-why? Meredith, why?'

'I didn't know what to do.' I admit. I still don't.

'Tell someone.' He emphasizes, like it's obvious, and I inch slightly away from him, hot and cold simultaneously, every emotion I have pushed down resurfacing..

'Why, Derek? The board didn't believe me the last time. You hit him, and Alex hit him, and God has it just made it worse-' The words slip out before I mean them to, and I hear him swearing repatedly as the room blurs in front of me. The bliss of the morning is replaced by something cold and harsh building up within me and if he doesn't shut up I'm not sure I can stop myself. I sigh as he swears. I just said the worst thing I could, like I was blaming him. I don't even know why. Exhausted sigh comes out of me. Now his eyes lock back on mine and his fingers slide down and wrap warmly around mine again. His fingers are hot and sweaty over mine which are suddely frozen like icicles.

'Baby you can't do nothing. You can't let him get away with thi-' Suddely he shakes his head, the subject clicking within him. 'Mer, is this everything? The bruises? Please tell me what he did?'

His fingers are tense and shaky around mine. He's angry, but his eyes are soft and worried examining my face. I flush, brick red. God damn it. I just wanted a morning, one morning of blissfull lack of worry. My chests rises and falls. I will be calm this time. I shake my head, the flashes of Liam swirling like a movie replaying. 'He didn't-ugh-' Why can't I still say certain words? ' I'm fine.'

'JUST the bruises?' Inquired Derek, although it's clear that the word just is added for clarification and not because he thinks it's no big deal. I nod, retracing my body in my mind. I pull at the sheet, to show him one we were too busy for in the half-dark room yesterday. It's at the edge of my hipbone, covered by my undies most of the time. It's fading somewhat, but it's still covered in scratches and I try not to recall how I got it. Ignorance is bliss. Derek's face looks dark with shadows.

'Did he?'

'No, he- I'm fine. He didn't.' I don't offer anything else. I physically can't handle thinking of that exact instance. My body feels locked in position and I suddenly pull the sheet back in place, the shame resurfacing. I look at Derek surprised. He looks half-way between storming out, or crushing me in his hands in a hug, but he's fully in control. And then a single tear slides from his deep blue eyes, and I try breathing deeply so I don't get caught up in the emotion. 'I'm fine.' I repeat and crash my lips on his, unable to take it anymore. I hadn't had enough soul to care what will happen to me. Hurting him wasn't part of the plan. I sink, pulling him into the kiss, pressing against him with my hands reaching for his face, going through his hair. He's kissing me back, rough, harsh, full of emotion, clumsy and uncoordinated. His body tangles with mine. I'm seconds away from forgetting how I started this. Closeness doesn't scare me right now, I crave it. I need this. I can't have this conversation. I just want to feel good again.

3.

He's responding roughly but enthusiastically, and then it catches up to him and he pulls back stopping me.

'Love, you can't keep seeing them every day.'

I laugh bitterly at the irony, forgetting I haven't told him the rest. and he sits up again. His whole face is alarmed and quiet. Too quiet, like he finally got I'm a crazy person. 'Meredith?'

I start laughing hysterically, unable to stop. Well,, hey, no longer going to see them everyday, and anyhow, and isn't that a blessing? It's the funniest thing in the world and I'm rocking in hysterical burst of laughter, until my stomach and my ribs hurt and it's no longer funny. Derek is looking at me with a careful worried look, and another wave of giggles goes through me, releasing all the pain and anxiety I can't put into words. 'Jesus. Oh God. No need to worry about that either right now, I guess.' I laugh and I laugh and I know I'm confusing him but I can't stop and then I'm shuddering like I'm out in a blizzard with no coat on. He wraps me in a hug until I settle down. I cling to him like he's what's stopping me from losing my mind, because he sort of is.

Everything is so fucked up.

He smooths my hair and talks soothingly until my body settles. Then he lets go of me just for long enough to grab one of the mugs of steaming black coffee and bring it over. I wrap my shaky hands around it greatfully. I know extra caffeine is probably not great for anxiety, but I'm so cold and that mug feels so damn calming under my fingertips. I smile greatfully at him. And then it just comes out. The picture, the exam, the repetition of my intern year. The words are coming out of me so fast I can't stop and he doesn't stop me. I tell him the weird talks I've had with Ben, with strange encounter where I almost dared to stand up to Liam. I tell him how confusing the elevator situation was, because for a second I thought I was in control. Until I wasn't. How some of it didn't come back to me until Derek told me about me losing my memories and it all hit me back. How I wondered if I'm crazy until I realised the encounters I remembered were attached to bruises in certain places and how I examined my body and saw them all, exactly where they were in my 'imagination'. I tell him about the picture I didn't know was taken that night. I tell him about having to go to therapy and group. Now that I'm talking I can't stop. Finally I tell him about me and Liam, being best friends before I knew Ben, about our adventures and traditions. I think many emotions go through his face, but I'm too tired to dig deep right now.

It's sort of been half-admission half-argument, and entirely the biggest secret I've kept lately.

So when it first comes out of me, it's all messy and clumsy and overwhelming and I stumble and stammer over words. But I don't stop. Suddenly, we are just 2 people, sitting in bed, having breakfast and sharing everything. He's listening intently, occasionally asking for clarifications. He asks if he can see the picture, but accepts it warmly when I tell him I'm not ready, no tantrums, no anger, no discussion, just accepting my boundaries, which is something I'm still trying to comprehend in people. At some point he gets the rest of the food in bed, and we are sipping coffee and eating pancakes, half-naked, uncaring of looking perfect, and sharing everything. It sort of twists me a little how good this feels, despite of the subjects we are talking about. It doesn't matter what we are saying, it matters more HOW. And right now we feel cozy and together. That feeling I've been running from this entire time. Apparently I didn't know what I was missing.

This is TRUST. Not before, not when we stumbled through akwardness and pushed each other. That was being brave and wanting to trust. Whilst also actively pushing back the whole time, contemplating every word, every action. This is different. This is just... being comfortable to say everything going on, because even if it's messy I'm not afraid of judgement from him. I'm talking about some of the worst things going on right now, and even if I'm not okay with what happened, I am extremely happy for his warmth and understanding. I don't doubt it anymore, there's no backtracking, just trust.

'I don't actually mind that, you know.' I tell him suddently. I hadn't known before, but I do now.

'What exactly?'

'Retaking the year. I mean, in a social level it maybe awkward. I still haven't told them. So I'm expecting judgement. But me personally... I don't mind. I should, but I don't.'

'No, you shouldn't.' Derek says, like he gets it. I think he just might.

Honestly my head has been such a mess for such a long time, the distance might do me some good. A little calm repetition, a chance to do better, healthier. That's good potential. I tell him that. He does get it, and he offers to help me concentrate on studying the coming weeks, even though holidays are coming and I know he was looking forwards to alone time together. So was I- and I still am, not more than ever. I tell him that and the smile that comes on his face immediately warms me up. There are still a few things I need to share, though.

'Derek? I think I would like to tell you about who I dated after Ben. I mean maybe not right now, because I'm talking too much, but I do want to.'

The shadows in the room are falling lower now. It's afternoon, so we have been talking all day at this point. Somehow we still have more to say, and I enjoy that.

'I would love to- okay not love, but I do, I want to know about that.' He reassures me softly and I kiss him in relief. Some of the knots in my stomach untwist. One worry less. But then, the thing I haven't told him yet is the one making me most nervious. I haven't ever thought about it or put it into words, the difference between Liam and Joye. I hadn't known there was any. They had been the monsters under my bed. But I see it way too clearly now. While Liam's actions felt misguided like he lost his way, like he was taking something I didn't want to give him willingly, Joye wasn't even a good friend. Liam felt like he had been a good friend at some point and then he took a dark turn. Like there had been potential to be good in him before he messed up. And the way thing got that night, it wasn't like Liam. I was never going to FORGIVE or forget but a part of me still thought Liam wasn't beyond changing. Which wouldn't change things for me, but there were other people that were in his life. Joye was different, older, more jaded. He seemed to enjoy hurting me more, and care about me being more than a warm body less. He was cruel in ways I'd ignored before that night. Considering the result was the same, it shouldn't have mattered, but in practice his lack of emotion made me so much terrified than the deranged passion Liam was showing. He could do anything, and feel nothing, and that was terrifying.

'Are you cold?' Derek says, about to get up to the wardrobe for some of my warm clothes if needed. I nod negatively and he frowns. 'You're shaking.'

I shrug. There is no way I can do anything about that currenly. The warm coffee settled my body earlier, but now thinking of them both in the same town in the vascinity of me makes me want to just slip under water and never resurface. Like it's the opposite of the warmth Derek gives me. It's this cold, slimy, nausiating fear that can't escape until someone is dead. It's not the greatest feeling to put in words for anyone else. I chug cold coffee and eat pancakes, no longer hungry, trying to figure out what to say exactly.

'He's visiting for couple weeks for the holidays.' I blab finally, shudder going through my body. His forehead creases and he sets his mug on the closest nighttable.

'Who?!'

'Joye. Ben told me. He's going to visit them for the holidays. And then he'll be here, they'll be here, both of them and I can't do this again, Derek, I can't deal with both of them at the same time in my city and I haven't seen him in years, 5 years, and I am just managing with Liam if barely and I don't have the capacity and I-' I can't stop talking. It's my lifeline. He crushes me in a hug and I hold onto him. He'd trembling slightly too, with pent up anger, I think- but he doesn't waiver for a long time. Not until the knots in my body untwist slightly, I release my grip on him a bit and my thoughts start to untangle again.

"You're not alone.' He says, and although I know that, it's the first time I actually feel that without shadow of a doubt or desire to run in the opposite direction like I'm on fire. Now I welcome the feeling, and the knots melt, and I know this will be a longer conversation, but just for a while I would like to feel good again. Like last night. Possibly, a little better than last night, less scary. More. But I don't want to overthink. I just quietly put the plates on the nighttable to the side, and twist my body to face his, pulling him closer in a warm kiss, soft and longing and deep.

He doesn't miss a beat and his fingers trail my waist and mess with my hair, softly pulling me towards him, until our bodies fit into one another perfectly. I blush furiously despite, or because, of how strangely natural it feels. I can already tell he wants the same thing too.

'We haven't finished talking.' He mutters softly in my hair, but his fingers are still playing at my skin. His voice is rough from talking and from desire.

'We can finish ...ugh... after.' I manage surprised at myself and he chuckles, planting kisses on my collarbone. I arch, granting him better access.

'I was hoping you would say that.' He manages, pulling me closer. Heat is radiating off of him and I forget I was ever cold. 'Wait...are you?' He seems careful.

'What?' I stammer blankly, really not able to guess what he's feeling. His proximity to my body, only sheets separating us, gives me way too much leeway for my imagination.

'Sore.' He manages and I blush furiously.

'I'm fine.' I manage with the last of my sanity. 'I want to feel like that again.'

His eyes sparkle under the light. 'I think we can do better.' He says confidently and I can't help but grin, my cheeks still pink, especially when his hand on my waist slides down to my hips.

'I think we can too.' I admit before his lips crash on mine again, and I can feel his body tangle with mine only with the sheet between us.