Once upon a time in 18th century France there was an extremely beautiful girl named Formosissima, but she preferred to be called Marie-Sue because it was cuter. The only thing that rivaled the intensity of her beauty was the intensity of her poverty.
She had grown up living in the outer corner of a shoebox, which she shared with her father and pet horse, Philippe; but when the father and daughter were found to be so badly starving that Philippe willfully shot himself so he could be eaten by them, Marie-Sue's father could not handle it anymore.
"I'm sorry, Marie-Sue," said Maurice. "But I have no choice but to sell you for money to the highest bidder. However, I don't expect to get much money for you, seeing as you are blind, mute, and are suffering from incurable tuberculosis."
Indeed, the beautiful girl suffered these ailments through no fault of her own; nay, it was only because her father had been careless and, when she was a baby, had always left bottles of poison and tuberculosis laying around the house, whence she got into them, and contracted these terrible ailments for life.
The only place Maurice was able to sell her was to the factory where cans of whoop-ass were packaged. Marie-Sue was severely beaten day in and day out so that the cans of whoop-ass could be filled, and sold to needy families with disobedient children. The strength of her suffering was superior to all others, and therefore the factory owner would beat her more than anyone else in order to strengthen the overall quality of his product. Marie-Sue endured this because, since she was blind, she didn't know how pretty she was.
Then one day a handsome hunter appeared at the whoop-ass factory. His name was Gaston. He announced that he wanted to buy some worthless person to bait traps with, so he could catch man-eating bears; but when he saw the beautiful Marie-Sue, he changed his mind and decided that instead he just wanted someone to rape to death.
As Marie-Sue overheard the head of the factory negotiating with Gaston during her daily stoning with volcanic rocks, she decided that she was no longer safe in this place and would have to flee.
That night, Marie-Sue rose from the pit of burning fire in which she was made to sleep, and she carefully crept out of the factory door. She knew where the door was, despite being blind, because her burning bedsit was suspended from the ceiling over the top of it.
She then ran into the woods, which she knew the way to despite being blind because she was guided by the ghost of her dead horse Philippe, who had been watching over her ever since he had died for her sake. Also the ghosts of her dead mom and of Virgil showed up to protect her from the roving bands of rape-wolves that prowled the city looking for pretty girls to rape.
Once Marie-Sue was inside the woods, she roamed all night long. She wasn't in danger because she was so beautiful that the trees would all get out of the way for her in order to impress her; they were not realizing that she was blind and couldn't fully appreciate the favor. Finally she arrived at a castle, which did not get out of the way for her.
The reason it did not move aside for her was because its owner was a douchebag. In a moment, the said owner — a giant angry Beast — came out of the castle! He roared in wrath at the intruder, that is, until he saw how beautiful she was and how she was mildly scorched as if she slept in a pit of fire every night, and was scarred from being pummeled with rocks, and had scars on her abdomen from where her organs had been removed and sold on the black market. That made the Beast feel sad.
"Mon dieu," said the Beast, "I have been cursed to an agonizing existence of ugliness due to my selfishness and vanity, but at the sight of you, I am moved to such pity that I want nothing but to put you in bed and spend my days serving you tea and potatoes."
Marie-Sue wanted to thank him but she could not speak because that was normal for her. The Beast lifted her up over his strong massive Beast shoulder and plopped her down in a magnificent bed on the castle's 50th floor.
Many boring and redundant conversations transpired, wherein Marie-Sue tearfully told about the abuses she endured, using the art of interpretive dance, at which she was a master, having studied six years at the Sorbonne (this was what her organs had been sold for.) The Beast always roared and wailed with agony at such tales of such horrible treatment of one of such beautifulness. Several of the Beast's servants killed themselves in solidarity. Then more boring and redundant conversations transpired, wherein Marie-Sue tearfully told about the abuses she endured, using the art of interpretive dance, at which she was a master, having studied six years at the Sorbonne (this was what her organs had been sold for.) The Beast always roared and wailed with agony at such tales of such horrible treatment of one of such beautifulness. Several more of the Beast's servants killed themselves in solidarity, and so did the ghost of Philippe. Then more boring and redundant conversations transpired, wherein Marie-Sue tearfully told about the abuses she endured, using the art of interpretive dance, at which she was a master, having studied six years at the Sorbonne (this was what her organs had been sold for.) The Beast always roared and wailed with agony at such tales of such horrible treatment of one of such beautifulness and of such tragic blindness. The last of the Beast's servants killed themselves in solidarity, and the Beast ate his own thumbs.
Then one day, as the Beast climbed over the piles of the corpses to get to Marie-Sue's bedroom, he announced, "Marie-Sue, I have been under a curse. If you will marry me, I will become a handsome prince, and you will be my wife, and you can live in luxury and peace."
While Marie-Sue was not familiar with the expression why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? she had a deeper reason not to marry him. She lifted her legs over her head in conveyance of the message that she was doomed to die of tuberculosis unless she could be cured by magic, and by dragging her butt across the carpet she communicated that she did not want to put him through such trauma of marrying her when she would only die soon after.
Before the Beast could slit his throat with despair, Gaston came bursting through the 50th floor window, swinging on a vine. He then pulled out his bow and arrow. "You can't have her, I paid the whoop-ass factory a whole dollar for her!"
And the Beast screamed back "YOLO!"
Gaston and the Beast began to fight! But little did either of the men know that Marie-Sue was secretly Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman (something else she had learned at the Sorbonne) and so she pulled her sword out of her bra and began to fight with Gaston!
Now, Gaston was so overwhelmed by her incredible beauty that he was about to just kill himself to make things easy for her, but as she lunged at him with her sword she not only stabbed him to death but also fell onto his knife! Gaston died immediately, but Marie-Sue died with lesser immediacy.
The Beast, who had seen everything, cradled her tiny body in his arms whilst he wailed in despair and tore out patches of his fur.
"Don't worry, Beast," she mimed with bodily gyrations and hips that didn't lie. "I was destined to die anyway." She coughed up some blood to remind him about the tuberculosis.
"But I would die for you to not be dead," said the Beast.
Then suddenly the Enchantress showed up and said, "Congratulations Beast, you have learned to love another person. I will change you back to a human now."
But the Beast said "Nooo! I want you to use the magic to heal Marie-Sue instead! For the only thing prettier than her, is the pretty big amount of her suffering."
And the Enchantress said, "Okay," and she did what he had asked. And then Marie-Sue was magically healed of all her problems, including the stab wounds and the tuberculosis and the blindness and muteness! Even her organs grew back!
When the healed Marie-Sue stood up, she looked at the Beast and all his burly, furry beastliness. "Beast, I love you! And I'm so glad that you didn't change into a human because boys are icky anyway. I only fuck dogs."
And the ghost of Virgil killed himself because the whole time he had been secretly in love with Marie-Sue himself and now he was sad that he couldn't be with her. And the others lived happily ever after. And the Enchantress took away Gaston's corpse to use for her own purposes.
THE END.