Rated M for heavy implicit sexual content.
This is a censored version of an explicit fic. You can find the uncensored version on Archive of Our Own, if you're into that sort of thing.
The sun had long ago set while Makoto Naegi, Headmaster of Hope's Peak Academy, sat at his desk pouring over paperwork. Naturally, there was no shortage of items that required his attention. Convincing the Future Foundation to greenlight this project had been difficult, to say the least, but Makoto and his friends had somehow managed to win them over and secure a decent amount of funding. They needed it.
For starters, an extensive renovation was required to undo the, ah, creative touches Enoshima had given the place. They also needed to carefully select new staff and faculty; Kyoko Kirigiri had been instrumental in screening them. Allowing even a single Remnant of Despair in could be a disaster, so thank God Makoto had his incredibly capable and breathtaking Chief of Security by his side. He knew he could count on Kyoko to keep his school safe. She was so intelligent and perceptive. Anyone who dared mess with Hope's Peak Academy would regret their foolish actions as soon as they found themselves on the wrong side of Kyoko, piercing their souls with that intense stare of hers, with those gorgeous purple eyes, her lavender hair perfectly framing her beautiful face, bathed in an aura of focus, commitment, and sheer…
… anyway! Makoto had a lot of crucial decisions to make. He still needed to work out how scouting would be handled. He knew he wanted to do away with the elitist Ultimate system Hope's Peak ran with in the past. The school had placed far too much importance on talent. That was all that had mattered to the old Hope's Peak, but that was wrong. There was so much more to a person's worth than how talented they were. If anyone asked Makoto, what truly mattered was the strength of one's character. Even if they weren't the best at what they did, as long as they gave it their all, as long as they strived to use their abilities for the common good, they were precious and invaluable to society. That was the kind of virtue that the world's beacon of hope needed to champion. Not one's raw talent, their dedication to being their best selves and helping others. Makoto's school would endeavor to bring out the best in its students.
Kyoko would certainly fit the bill. She was an extremely skilled detective, but it wasn't just her talent that made her special. She was dedicated to using her abilities to help people. She had always gone to great lengths to solve her cases, putting her own life in danger countless times so dangerous criminals could be put behind bars. That kind of selflessness was exactly what Makoto wanted in his students. He didn't expect everyone to put themselves in danger like Kyoko, but the important point was that they did their best to care for others, like how Kyoko cared deeply for…
Makoto slapped himself in the forehead. All this work was driving him nuts, but he had to focus. He held the top sheet of paper in his hands and squinted. What was it about again? Right, the scouting policy. As Makoto had decided…
Knock, knock.
"Headmaster? Are you inside?"
His heart danced as soon as he heard that sweet voice. His face beaming, Makoto's eyes rose towards the door as he answered. "Come in!"
Kyoko Kirigiri, Makoto's Chief of Security, as well as the love of his life, entered his office. She was dressed sharply in her dapper magenta suit, white dress shirt, and dark purple skirt. Her long lavender hair was down, except for the braid she had tied on her left side, the significance of which Makoto kept close to his heart. In each of her gloved hands, she held a cup of steaming hot coffee. Smiling lightly, she placed one on Makoto's desk. "Seeing as you're working so late, I figured you could use some refreshment."
Makoto grinned. "Ah, thanks, Kyoko!"
She waggled her finger in mock admonishment. "It's Kirigiri-san while we're at work."
Makoto snickered. "Whatever you say, Chief." He sipped his coffee, deliciously prepared by his lover. A nostalgic smile spread across his face. "Heh, this reminds me of all those times I brought you coffee."
Kyoko hummed with a smile. "Yes, when you were trying to court me, correct?"
With an embarrassed laugh, Makoto rubbed the back of his neck. "You could say that, yeah."
Kyoko's gaze trailed off into space. "In hindsight, I feel rather stupid that I didn't catch on to your intentions sooner. Everyone but myself could tell how badly you wanted me. I should have known that you weren't just being nice." She sighed, filled with disdain. "Always an ulterior motive."
Makoto's stomach sank. "U-uh, hey, it's not like I was trying to buy you or anything. I was just, umm, you know, I wanted you to know how much I, uh…"
Kyoko smirked.
Realizing he had fallen for it, Makoto breathed a sigh mixed with exasperation and relief. "Ah, got me again."
Kyoko giggled. "Sorry," she apologized. "Couldn't help myself."
"Don't be," Makoto said. "Teasing me is part of what makes you, you."
She smiled. "Always the sweet-talker."
A devious idea popped into Makoto's head. He stared at Kyoko with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Say, could you have some ulterior motive bringing me coffee tonight?"
Kyoko returned his impish smile with one of her own. "Maybe…"
Grinning widely, Makoto stood out of his seat. "You know, I could use a little break…"
Kyoko batted her eyes and purred. "I think you could…"
Eager to enjoy his lover's company, Makoto vaulted over his desk and approached her. Kyoko's eyes popped slightly, stifling a giggle over Makoto's dramatic entrance. Suppressing his own laughter, Makoto walked towards Kyoko with swagger. He was going to show her a wonderful –
His foot found something that wasn't solid ground.
"Wh-wha…?!"
Losing his balance, Makoto stumbled forward and landed headfirst into Kyoko's chest, accidentally cushioning his head against her pillowy breasts. Not exactly how he had intended to start, but it was…
Kyoko hissed sharply.
Makoto's brain instantly jumped from 'seduce Kyoko' to 'protect Kyoko.' He stepped back to see what was wrong, and his heart twisted at the sight. Makoto had caused Kyoko's coffee – scalding hot coffee – to splash all over her face. With wide eyes, Makoto quickly raced to his desk, pulled out a box of napkins, and rubbed one against Kyoko's face, soaking up as much coffee as he could, uncaring of the heat on his hands.
"Sh-shit! I'm sorry, Kyoko!"
She grunted. "This is nothing. I've had worse burns."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Makoto kept wiping. Kyoko's face had reddened from the heat, and…
Makoto froze.
The left side of Kyoko's face was discolored into a hideous shade of purple. The same color it had turned after… her forbidden action had triggered.
Makoto's veins turned to ice. His face white as snow, he stared petrified at the sight of Kyoko.
Her violet eyes met his. "Makoto, is something…?"
Crimson blood poured out of Kyoko's left eye.
Makoto's breath hitched.
Her eyes as lifeless as a corpse, Kyoko's hands slowly moved to cup his face. Makoto shuddered as Kyoko's face rotted before him. Her skin turned a deeper shade of purple. More blood seeped from her left eye, tracing red streaks across her violet, decaying cheek. Kyoko looked upon him, emanating the very essence of death.
The mask covering the truth crumbled.
"This has gone on long enough," Kyoko said. "You have to let me go."
Makoto's wide eyes filled with tears.
He had to face the truth.
Kyoko… was gone.
Her frigid hands remained on his face as she spoke with grim authority. "You will do fine without me, Makoto. It's time to move on."
Makoto grimaced. That wasn't the problem. He knew he could go on without her. It wasn't his own happiness he was mourning. He wanted better for her. He wanted to make Kyoko happy, but a corpse couldn't feel joy. A corpse couldn't laugh. In death, there was nothing Makoto could do for her. Kyoko would never feel anything ever again. She would never know if the final killing game had been beaten. She would never know if hope had overcome despair. She would never again smile, never again love, never start a family. She was dead… she was dead…
Kyoko was dead. Kyoko was dead. Kyoko was dead. Kyoko was…
Kyoko is dead?
N-no, she's been with me this whole –
The corpse of Kyoko grabbed Makoto by his collar, staring into him with her dead still, bloody eyes.
"This is reality," Kyoko said. "Victory demands sacrifice. Accept it."
Makoto shut his eyes.
I know...
"Accept it."
I can't keep lying to myself.
"Accept it!"
I have to…
"Makoto!"
When Makoto's eyes opened, he saw Kyoko pressing his hand against her chest. He felt her heartbeat, thumping at a healthy pace.
"Feel that?" Kyoko asked. "That's me, Makoto."
He looked up and saw Kyoko's face. She was relatively back to normal, no rotting flesh, no bleeding eyes. Her left side was still purple, but he realized it was because the coffee had washed off her foundation. Kyoko's skin still hadn't fully recovered from her poisoning, so she had covered the discoloration with foundation. That was all…
Right?
Wincing in sorrow, Kyoko pulled Makoto close and hugged him tightly.
"It's okay," she whispered. "Everything is okay."
As he wrapped his arms around Kyoko, Makoto sniffled. "Y-you're alive, right?"
"Yes," Kyoko soothed. "I'm alive, Makoto."
Makoto sobbed. "Th-this isn't a dream, right? Y-you actually survived, right? I'm n-not crazy, am I?"
Kyoko gently rocked him side-to-side, as if comforting a crying child. "This is real. I'm with you."
Makoto tried to calm his heavy, ragged breaths, clinging on to Kyoko. "I hope so. God, I hope so… but it still feels too good to be true."
Kyoko leaned back and caressed his cheek with her gloved hand. "I'm sorry I scared you, but you're not imagining things. I am alive. I swear it."
He laughed derisively. "Actually, I guess I'm crazy either way. It doesn't matter if you're alive or dead, if my mind can't decide which is true."
Kyoko winced as if her heart were shattering into a million pieces. Makoto sharply recoiled, instantly regretting his words. "S-sorry! I didn't mean to make you worry! I shouldn't have said that! J-just forget that I –"
Kyoko's arms tightened around him again. "It's okay. You don't have to hide anything. No matter how much pain you're in, I want you to share it all with me."
How ironic. Kyoko had always been the one who hid her emotions, but now she was telling him to let his feelings out. What about her? Was she not still hurt by what had happened to her?
Makoto cringed. "You're the one who almost died." God, if this was real, he was such a piece of shit. He should have been the one comforting Kyoko, not the other way around.
"And I would be no better if I thought you died," Kyoko said. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Stepping out of Kyoko's embrace, Makoto sighed. "Why are you so fucking nice?"
Kyoko smiled. "I'm sorry, would you like me to go back to being the stone cold detective?"
"I love who you really are," Makoto said. He let out another humorless laugh. "You know, this started before your forbidden action even triggered. During our sleep for the third time limit, I had a nightmare that you were dead. I couldn't understand why you had to die, but Munakata-san told me that it was my fault. He said that… I should have just killed myself from the start, like he told me to."
Kyoko narrowed her eyes. "As if I would let you."
Yet another humorless chuckle escaped Makoto's lips. "Yeah, I know that from experience." He shuddered. "E-even before you 'died,' I was s-so scared of losing you. I h-hoped so badly that you wouldn't have to be a-another sacrifice, but you a-almost were." He sniffled. "Even s-so, I n-never could have gone with Munakata-san's plan, because… sacrificing your friends is not hope." He grimaced. "But my way still sacrificed you."
Kyoko tried to hug him again, but Makoto assertively pushed her back. "Please don't… I'm starting to understand why you hate pity."
Kyoko bit her lip before speaking. "Munakata-san's plan would have just gotten everyone killed, you know. The killing method was designed to operate even after the attacker's death. They would have just kept voting, not understanding why the game wouldn't stop. If you had done as Munakata-san had asked, he wouldn't have hesitated to kill me next."
"I don't disagree," Makoto said, "but that's not really the point. The point is that if I really want hope to win, I need to be ready to lose anything, even the ones closest to me. Victory… demands sacrifice." He lowered his head. "That's the reality of this world. It's not a game. There's no rules. That's what Munakata-san told me. Enoshima's game was just that, a game. I had yet to experience the true despair of reality. As long as the world is still filled with despair, how can I believe that not a single person I survived that game with would have to die eventually?" He tightened his fists. "Everyone's luck runs out eventually."
Kyoko furrowed her brow. "He's wrong. You had already experienced reality. You already knew that life isn't a game with rules. Enoshima broke her own rules to kill me, but you believed in me. And because you believed in me, you realized that the game was not a game. You knew that the mastermind couldn't be trusted to follow the rules, and that's how you were able to save me."
"Maybe," Makoto said, "but it's still true that we can't always save who we love."
Kyoko folded her arms. "People tend to equate reality with misfortune. Whenever something terrible happens, it's 'realistic.' Whenever something wonderful happens, it's 'unrealistic.' But that's not how reality works. Reality is neither good nor bad. It's neutral. Just because something's bad doesn't mean it's inevitable. Just because something's good doesn't mean it's impossible. Reality and favorability are two different spectrums. It's true that we need to keep our expectations in check, but it's also true that things are not always as bad as they seem."
Kyoko raised her finger. "And this thing about reality having no rules? That's a two-way street. In Enoshima's game, you saved my life from a hostile rulebreaker, but in Tengan's game, we broke the rules to our advantage. Is it truly realistic to say that Tengan's game was perfectly infallible with no exploits? Tengan had forbidden me from surviving without sacrificing you, but who's to say that defeating Tengan was impossible? He may have been the Chairman, but he was still only human. He couldn't be perfect. Looking at 'reality' from Tengan's perspective, could he really be certain that everything would go his way? Especially since we had the Ultimate Pharmacist on our side? Is it really so inconceivable that Kimura-san was able to beat the poison?"
"… Kimura-san was amazing," Makoto admitted. "I guess suppressing poison isn't the craziest thing her drugs have done."
"She was amazing," Kyoko said. "And although I wasn't close with her, I know she created that drug because she wanted to save everyone. She probably died wishing that she could have used her talent to save at least one person, and she did. If she were watching, I'm sure she would have breathed a sigh of relief when I used her drug to save myself."
"Just like Fujisaki," Makoto mused.
"Enoshima underestimated us," Kyoko said, "and so did Tengan. The masterminds of these games are not unbeatable. Remember that."
Makoto's eyes were hazy with tears. "Even so, we weren't able to beat them without sacrifices. We needed so many sacrifices."
Kyoko frowned. "Well, there are times when sacrifices are needed, but only when they are needed. It's always better to avoid sacrifices whenever we can." She looked at him sharply. "That's the difference between you and Munakata-san. All he cared about was destroying despair, but you know that hope is about holding on to what you love. While he was willing to sacrifice anything and anyone, you were focused on protecting others."
Makoto's brow creased with sadness. "Yeah, I always protect what I love, even if all that remains is a memory." He clicked his tongue. "It wasn't just the living Munakata wanted to sacrifice. He said he was going to destroy Yukizome-san's memory, but that isn't hope. Even if Yukizome had turned to despair, he should have remembered her for who she had been before. That's how I got through to him. I told him that even if you had been the same way, if you had turned to despair, if I had to kill you, I would always cherish the time we had spent together. The hope you gave me was stronger than the despair of losing you."
Makoto choked. "If you had died, I would never forget you. Even if I couldn't save your life, I would always preserve your memory, to my dying breath."
"… I know," Kyoko said. "But it is better to save the life of a loved one, is it not? As long as I'm alive, we can create even more memories together."
Makoto took a deep breath. "Yeah, can't create new memories if you're dead."
Kyoko gave him a sympathetic look. "I know it's hard to believe, but miracles do happen. And you have a way of making them possible. I can't prove that what you're seeing is real, but the worst thing you can do is lose all faith in a better future. Even if this is all in your head, there's nothing wrong with believing that it could be real. That's what hope is about. Am I wrong?"
Makoto averted his eyes. He knew Kyoko was right. Hope was about fighting for the best possible outcome. If there was any chance Kyoko was alive, he had to believe in it. He had to hope for it. Hope was about saving lives, not accepting death.
But there was a fine line between hope and delusion. If Kyoko was dead, Makoto did need to accept it. Had Kyoko truly survived? Or had Makoto been insane ever since walking out of Tengan's killing game? Maybe he had never escaped. Maybe he was in some mental hospital, living out an endless fantasy inside his head. What was real? What was fiction? Did Makoto even know anymore?
Kyoko walked over to something on the floor and picked it up. It was a cast iron ball, a shot put ball. So that was what Makoto had tripped over.
"Hina must have left it there," Makoto said. "Just my luck, huh?"
Kyoko sighed. "I'll be sure to remind her to keep better track of her things. That said, the fault is ultimately mine for neglecting a proper security sweep."
Makoto groaned. "Maybe this is proof that you're real. I like to think that my idealized version of you wouldn't keep blaming yourself for every little thing."
She smiled. "Apologies, Headmaster. I just want you to know that I take the duties you have entrusted me with seriously. It's my job to protect this school and everyone in it, including you."
"Don't forget yourself," Makoto said. "Staying alive is also part of your job description."
"I'll keep that in mind." Kyoko turned towards the door. "Excuse me, I need to go clean myself up."
"Yeah, sure," Makoto muttered.
Before she left, Kyoko looked at him over her shoulder. "I will be back, Makoto. I promise."
He nodded. "Yeah."
With a concerned frown, Kyoko opened the door. Makoto lowered his head and stared into the floor, but he didn't hear the door close. Instead, he heard the clacking of Kyoko's boots approach him. He looked up, and he saw Kyoko extending her hand towards him, her pinky stood upright. She smiled.
Warmth string in Makoto's chest, he reached back and curled his pinky against hers. The leather of Kyoko's glove was cold, but her love was sincere.
"This is real," she whispered.
Makoto managed a weak smile. "Yeah."
Her promise sealed, Kyoko went back to the door and left Makoto's office. Breathing deeply, Makoto brushed his hands over his face. He walked over to the couch and sat, anxiously tapping his foot as he waited. Needless to say, he wasn't getting any more work done that day. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep until God Himself came and assured him that Kyoko really had survived that game… or finally ended his delusions once and for all. Whether Kyoko was alive or dead, he had to know.
He tried to tell himself he was being ridiculous. Of course Kyoko was alive. He had seen it. Everyone had seen it. That vision of her 'corpse' was the hallucination, not everything else. Makoto had simply suffered a panic attack, but Kyoko was alive. It was not bullshit. Her survival had made perfect sense, both practically and spiritually. Makoto knew this.
Yet that voice in the back of his mind, whispering that he was just deluding himself, wouldn't shut the fuck up.
Makoto's foot relentlessly tapped the floor. Fuck! How much longer was Kyoko going to take?!
He needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Makoto took out his phone and dialed Hina. Thankfully, she picked up quickly.
"Hey, Naegi! What's up?"
"Hey, Hina. Umm… this might sound weird, but, uh, Kyoko is alive, right?"
"Eh? Umm, last I checked, yeah? Why? Did something happen?!"
"Uh, no, nothing like that. She's fine, I think. It's just… some of her foundation came off, and…"
Makoto trailed off, unable to finish that thought, but Hina understood what he was getting at.
"Her skin still hasn't healed, has it?"
Although Hina couldn't see over the phone, Makoto nodded. "When I saw it, I had an… episode." He cringed painfully. "I know it's stupid, but sometimes I feel like everything I'm seeing is just me kidding myself."
He heard Hina sigh through the receiver. "You're not stupid, Naegi. Even if you're the Ultimate Hope, you're still just human. We're all hurt by those games. I think it's totally normal that you're having problems like that."
It didn't magically make his issues go away, but it was nice to hear that. "Yeah, I guess so."
"And hey," Hina said, "it's not like you're the only one who can see her, right? You've seen her with all kinds of people. You made her Chief of Security, and she's done so much work for you. That's a bit much to be all your imagination, don'tcha think?"
"Yeah," Makoto admitted. "Even so, it's not that easy."
"Well, I think I can kinda understand," Hina said. "I know it was hard seeing what happened to her. It wasn't easy for me; I can't imagine the whiplash you must have felt when she came back. But Naegi, don't feel like it's impossible that she made it out okay. After all, you're the Ultimate Lucky Student for a reason! When Kyoko-chan took off her glove and touched your hand, you blessed her with your luck! That's how she survived!"
"It was lucky," Makoto said.
"After everything she's been through, she deserves it! And you do, too! You both earned your happy ending."
Makoto let out a long exhale. "Thanks, Hina."
"And I mean, a drug that slows poison, mistaking a comatose person for a dead one, these aren't the weirdest things that have happened to us. Like, not even close. Not even the top ten! When I went to Hope's Peak, my classmate starting the apocalypse because she was bored was not on my bingo card!"
"Ha, I guess that's true. Like, I heard my sister got possessed by a ghost. Maybe Hiro isn't so crazy after all."
"Yeah, and Kyoko-chan can hear the Shinigami! That's, uh, not something I thought was real."
"And someone with telekinetic powers saved her life once."
"Ah, see! Drugs aren't even the weirdest thing that saved Kyoko-chan's life!"
Makoto chuckled. "Anyway, sorry for dumping all this heavy stuff on you."
"Come on, you're welcome! We're friends, aren't we? That's what friends are for! Especially ones who survived death games together."
"Heh, yeah."
"Oh! By the way," Hina said, "did you happen to see a shot put ball lying around anywhere?"
"Yeah, it's in my office."
Makoto heard a slapping sound across the phone. "Oh, shoot!" Hina said. "I have no idea how I ended up leaving it there, but thanks for finding it! You're the best, Naegi!"
"Ha, no problem," Makoto said. "Well, that's all I wanted to say."
"Okay!" Hina exclaimed. "Oh, but if this whole problem with Kyoko-chan is really that bad, don't be shy about getting professional help. There's nothing wrong with that if you need it!"
"I'm not sure if I want to take it that far, but if things get worse I'll consider it."
"Get it if you need it!" Hina said. "And don't forget Kyoko-chan is there for you, too!"
He smiled. "Ah, you don't have to remind me that."
"Hehe, still rooting for you two! Take care, Naegi!"
"See you, Hina."
Makoto hung up.
… was that real, or another hallucination?
And even if it was real, how did he know Hina wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear?
Makoto needed someone he could trust to be honest. Someone who wasn't exactly his friend. Someone who wouldn't hesitate to tell him the hard truths he needed to hear.
An insane idea popped into his head.
He again opened his phone, and he called Kyosuke Munakata.
It took several rings, but Munakata answered.
"What?"
Makoto gulped. "H-hey, Munakata-san. Umm, sorry to bother you, but uh, I just wanted to… how do I explain? I've been having some… issues with Kirigiri-san, and, umm –"
"Do I look like a relationship counselor to you?"
"N-not like that!" Makoto said. "I've been having, uh, flashbacks of the time she… you know, so –"
"PTSD?"
"Something like that."
Munakata clicked his tongue. "I'm not a damn therapist, either."
"J-just one thing!" Makoto exclaimed. "I just want to know… Kirigiri-san is alive, right?"
"What kind of question is that? Yes, I'm well-aware that Kirigiri survived breaking her forbidden action."
Makoto exhaled heavily. It was more convincing coming from Munakata. "Thanks, that's all I wanted."
"You called me just for that? Do you not realize how valuable my time is?"
"Sorry! Sorry!" Makoto apologized profusely. "I know I'm being stupid! I just… wanted to hear it from someone who, uh…"
"Someone honest?"
"Yeah! Exactly!"
Makoto heard Munakata sigh over the phone. "Actually, fine. I can spare a moment for the man who agreed to take on the burden of hope."
Both of Makoto's eyebrows raised. "O-oh, no, that's alright! You don't have to! That was all I –"
"So you're unable to believe that Kirigiri survived? That's your problem?"
After a brief pause, Makoto frowned. "Basically, yeah. You told me yourself that we would never win without sacrifices, so when Kirigiri came back, I felt so confused. When I thought she was dead, I was so sure that I just had to accept it, but now she's back, and my mind doesn't know what to make of it."
"Do you want to accept it?" Munakata asked. "Is Kirigiri's death acceptable to you?"
Makoto bit his lip. "I wouldn't call it 'acceptable,' but I would have no choice but to move forward."
There was a pause before Munakata spoke again. "Do you know why I'm so determined to destroy despair?"
Makoto gripped the phone tightly. "Because you're so sick of losing everyone."
Munakata hummed affirmatively. "I don't want anyone else to feel the despair I've felt. The reason why I was willing to sacrifice so much is because the world needs to change, no matter the cost."
Makoto could agree that things needed to get better. He didn't agree with Munakata's methods. Munakata had been so focused on destroying despair that he had destroyed hope in the process, but Makoto understood the need for a better future.
"People like Tengan can't have their way," Munakata said. "That's why you should be praising Kirigiri, not doubting her. She destroyed the despair that Tengan tried to create, so she has my utmost respect." His voice grew intense. "Or do you believe that staying hopeful in spite of Kirigiri's death is still a victory against him?"
Makoto pursed his lips. "I mean… kind of? As long as I don't give in to despair, then –"
"But that's not what Tengan was after."
Makoto blinked. "Huh?"
"If you consider what Tengan wanted," Munakata said, "then you should realize that whether you stay hopeful or fall into despair, Tengan wins."
"H-hey, I wouldn't go that far!" Makoto protested. "Even if Kirigiri had died, we still would have carried on her hope! We still would have won!"
"But what do you think Tengan was expecting?"
Makoto froze.
"… I have no idea," Makoto said. "I asked myself the same question, but I can't figure it out."
"I know exactly what he wanted," Munakata said. "At first, I believed he was trying to show you that your platitudes were worthless, but I was mistaken. Tengan was not trying to make you fall into despair. He expected you to move forward, even after losing Kirigiri."
Makoto took a long moment to process Munakata's statement.
"… what?!"
"Consider Tengan's ultimate goal," Munakata said. "Mitarai's hope video would not have eliminated despair. It would have ignored it. Forcing everyone to be 'hopeful' wouldn't have guaranteed everyone's safety. People would still die, but without the ability to feel negative emotions, no one would care when a loved one is lost. They would see death as natural, perhaps even beautiful, with no regard of how much they had cared about the dead. Grief and sorrow would be a relic of the past, because no matter how bad things are, we need to tell ourselves it's 'okay.'"
Munakata's voice rose. "But that way of thinking, is nothing more than a cowardly defense mechanism! It's never okay to lose the people we cherish! Anyone who says otherwise is too scared to admit the truth; that this world is rotten and needs to be fixed! A vain attempt to rationalize the unacceptable cruelty of fate! If it were truly 'okay' for people to die, then we wouldn't bother trying to save them! What does it matter if they die? Death is perfectly acceptable! That's exactly the kind of world spineless cowards like Tengan would have created! Not a world free of despair! A world in blissful ignorance of despair!"
Makoto's eyes widened. "That's…"
"Yukizome's death was not okay!" Munakata yelled. "Sakakura's death was not okay! Never tell me it was 'okay!' It's not! If you're 'fine' with losing the people you love, you need to hate despair more! Hatred of despair is what fuels our desire to change the world and prevent further losses! Without it, we would just allow things to continue as they are! We must always fight to protect those we treasure!"
Makoto could see that Munakata was… passionate, to say the least. "I get what you're saying. I had similar thoughts myself. I was not okay when I thought Kirigiri died. God, I was not okay." He clenched his teeth. "But what's the solution, then? Are you saying I should have given up?"
"Of course not," Munakata said. "Falling into despair is always the worst thing you can do. Of course you had to move on, precisely because you loved Kirigiri. Nevertheless, despair was not the point of Kirigiri's forbidden action. It was about hope. Or rather, Tengan's craven brand of hope. In Tengan's mind, true hope is only possible by not feeling despair, no matter what happens."
"But I did feel despair," Makoto said. "I felt so much despair. I didn't give into it, but I felt it."
"Perhaps you did, but how did Mitarai interpret your actions?"
Makoto winced. "He accused me of moving past her death too easily, like she was an acceptable loss. He couldn't understand how I could just move forward after her death, as if I was perfectly fine that the world was continuing without her. To him, I might as well have not been sad at all."
"Do you see now?" Munakata asked. "Remember, you were not Tengan's target. Mitarai was. By using you as an example, Tengan planted the idea in Mitarai's head that we're better off doing away with negative emotion entirely, so everyone can be like you."
Makoto felt a fresh wave of magma bubble in his core. Ultimately, Munakata's theory was just that, a theory, but if it were true, Tengan had been even more devious than Makoto had realized. His plan had been perfect. No matter what Makoto had done, whether he had held onto hope or had fallen into despair, Kyoko's death would have served Tengan's goal. If he had given up, that would have told Mitarai that if not even the Ultimate Hope could handle the death of someone he loved, no one could, but even clinging to his hope had taught Mitarai the wrong lesson. Tengan had thoroughly ensnared Mitarai in his trap.
"As much as I hate despair," Munakata said, "the hope video is not the answer. We need to feel despair, so we can hate it. So we can fight it."
"Maybe," Makoto said, "but we can't just hate despair. We need to create hope as well."
"… yeah," Munakata said. "It is as you said to me back then. If I had remembered that protecting hope is just as important as destroying despair, then Sakakura would still be…" He paused. "But I stand by what I said. We must never forgive this world's cruelty. We must change it."
"I agree that things need to get better," Makoto said. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we can both learn from each other. Where I can teach you to spread hope, you can teach me to fight despair."
Munakata huffed. "You could learn a thing or two about fighting. Staying hopeful isn't enough. You need to learn to defeat your enemies. That's what Kirigiri did. Tengan never expected Kirigiri to kill you, nor did he expect you to give up. For Kirigiri's part, Tengan wanted her to demonstrate what to do when faced with one's own imminent demise, nothing. Don't sacrifice anyone to save yourself. Don't fight it. Simply accept your fate, but she refused to obey him and found a way – an acceptable way – to escape his trap."
"Is that really what he…?"
"As for your part, Tengan wanted you to demonstrate what to do in the event a loved one is lost. He wanted to make an example out of you for the world he wanted to create. He wanted you to show that even if you lose someone precious to you, you must get over it and move on. Carrying on Kirigiri's hope didn't defy Tengan's will. He counted on it."
"Here's the thing, though," Makoto said, "'getting over it' and moving forward are not the same thing. I never 'get over' the death of my friends, but I always move forward. I agree with you. It's not 'okay' for people to die. We should feel despair when we lose people. I just refuse to give up in spite of that despair."
"That is a good attitude," Munakata said with surprising respect. "When we do lose people, that's the best we can do, but it is because of that despair that you would prefer to save Kirigiri, no?"
"Well, yeah," Makoto said. "I would rather save her than move forward without her."
"Then the best way for Kirigiri to defeat Tengan was to find a way for both of you to survive. By doing so, she told Tengan that we don't want a world where we ignore despair. We want a world where we resist despair. A world where we save as many hearts from breaking as we can. Kirigiri refused to let Tengan kill you or herself. If Kimura hadn't developed the suppressant, Kirigiri would have had no better choice than to accept her fate and sacrifice herself, no matter how much despair she felt knowing she had to die, but she did better than that. She didn't just endure Tengan's despair. She destroyed it, and you should respect her for it."
Makoto's lips parted. What Munakata had said made sense. Makoto should have respected Kyoko's determination. By not believing in her survival, was he not saying that he didn't believe in her? That he didn't believe Kyoko was strong enough to beat Tengan? Was he not disrespecting Kimura, who put all her hope into developing the antagonist drug? Was he not disrespecting Kizakura, who gave his life to save her? Was he not disrespecting everyone who had helped Kyoko survive? People hoped so they could save others, so why was Makoto doubting them? He always believed in his friends, and Kyoko surviving should have been no exception.
"… yeah," Makoto said. "I'll definitely think about what you said."
"Whatever," Munakata said dismissively, but Makoto knew that he cared.
"Thanks for talking with me. I won't take up any more of your time. See you."
"Look at it this way," Munakata went on. "If the world is full of despair, you have two options: deal with it, or do something about it. Tengan wanted you to choose the former; I choose the latter. What about you? What do you choose?"
"Umm…"
"Remember, Naegi. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back."
"Uh, sure. I'll keep that in mind."
Finally done with his rant, Munakata hung up.
Munakata had given Makoto much to think about, much more than Makoto had bargained for. Munakata's views on fighting despair and Tengan's will were certainly interesting. It did give Kyoko more reason to live, and Makoto knew he should have believed in Kyoko.
Yet his doubts still lingered.
Was it still just too good to be true?
Makoto continued to sit on the couch.
… Kyoko still wasn't back.
He hugged his legs.
How much longer…?
In the bathroom, Kyoko stared blankly at her reflection, the purple tone of her left face exposed, an incessant reminder of the cruel fate she had narrowly escaped. She brushed a gloved finger against her discolored skin. She couldn't take her eyes off it, yet she was just as repulsed by the sight as Makoto was.
She was so hideous.
Makoto's horrified face flashed through her mind. The sheer terror he had felt was a blade to Kyoko's heart. Seeing her true face had caused Makoto so much pain, and Kyoko couldn't blame him. Her own reflection sent shivers down her spine, as if her mirrored self were calling her, demanding her to enter the grave she had been destined for, where she belonged.
Even Makoto…
A sob escaped her lips.
Makoto…
Kyoko couldn't bear seeing him like this. She had survived because she had wanted to spare him the pain of losing her. She had thought it would make him happy. She had thought it would give him hope, even more hope than he'd already had, but… had she been wrong?
Am I just… a burden to him?
When Makoto had thought Kyoko was dead, he had prepared to move forward without her. Maybe he never would have 'gotten over' losing her, but he would have kept going. What Makoto had said was true. Victory often required sacrifices. That was reality.
However, by surviving, Kyoko had shattered Makoto's balance of optimism and realism. If she had died for real, Makoto would have learned to temper his hope with reality and move on, but since Kyoko had survived, she had unintentionally trapped Makoto in a confused state of limbo. Perhaps it wasn't about whether Kyoko had survived as much as it was about whether she should have survived. Makoto had said it himself. Kyoko surviving was simply too good to be true.
She felt a sharp pain in her chest.
Perhaps Kyoko had been meant to die in that game. Perhaps she had been meant to heroically sacrifice herself for Makoto, with no bullshit antagonist drug to save her, but Kyoko had refused her destiny. Because of her cowardice, Makoto's heart was helplessly torn, unable to believe in her survival, but also unable to accept her death. Kyoko had denied him his chance to move on, and now he was stuck.
Kyoko had made things so complicated.
It would have been so much easier if she had just died.
If she had died, Makoto would have been free.
A stinging sensation assaulting her eyes, Kyoko bent over and clawed against the bathroom sink.
Was I supposed to accept my fate?
She sobbed.
Am I supposed to be dead?
Tears dripped into the sink.
Even Makoto, the man she loved more than anyone… thought she was supposed to be dead.
Kyoko's lips quivered as tears streamed down her face. Even Makoto, even Makoto, thought she had been meant to die. If even he believed that, then…
A wail of agony burst from her chest, echoing through the empty bathroom.
She saw herself falling into that abyss again, the same way she had felt after learning her forbidden action. Except this time, Makoto didn't reach out to save her. He simply watched, doing nothing as she fell to her death. She was supposed to be dead, and she had to accept her fate, not run from it like a coward.
Makoto had said that he had never needed Kyoko to prove anything to him.
But maybe that was a lie.
Maybe a noble sacrifice was what Makoto had wanted out of her. Maybe Kyoko should have proven how much he had meant to her. Completely.
A sacrifice without death was meaningless.
Her death was more beautiful than her survival.
So, if she truly cared about Makoto, then…
Kyoko's teeth clenched.
What the fuck was she talking about? Makoto… did not want her to die. He wanted her to live. How many times did he have to say it before Kyoko finally understood? So what if it was too good to be true? Kyoko made Makoto happy, and she would continue to make him happy.
I… will make him happy.
Living… was better than dying.
Always.
Kyoko raised her head and looked into the mirror, facing her own bloodshot eyes. She raised her arm and furiously wiped away her tears, fighting back more. She had to pull herself together. For her beloved.
Watching herself closely, Kyoko reapplied her foundation. She made sure every trace of that horrible poison was covered, restoring her face to the beauty that Makoto adored. She was going to look perfect for him, so she could be happy with him. So she could be alive with him.
He wants me alive.
He's happy that I'm alive.
He… never wanted me to die for him.
When I came back to him, he was happy.
He's happy that I didn't actually die.
I'm giving him what he wants.
I'm making him happy.
He's happy, he's happy, he's happy…
There's no doubt…
Kyoko breathed in deeply.
It was always better when they were alive.
And she was going to prove it.
Makoto shivered in the couch.
Where is she? Where is she?!
Was she dead? Had she been dead all along? Maybe she really was just a hallucination. Maybe the time had come for Makoto to accept that she was –
Makoto grit his teeth. He felt so pathetic. He had to pull himself together. Alive or dead, Kyoko deserved better from the man she loved than a weak, jittering mess. He had to be strong for –
The door finally opened. Kyoko returned inside, her face a pristine white as if she had never been poisoned. Makoto felt as if an enormous weight had lifted from his shoulders. She was alive, and she was as beautiful as ever.
Click!
For some reason, Kyoko locked the door as she entered. Makoto didn't know why, but that didn't matter. He leapt out of the couch and dived straight into her arms.
He had to remind her something.
"I'm so glad you're okay," he whispered. "I'm so glad you're here with me."
Kyoko smiled as she hugged him back. "You mean it?"
"Of course I mean it. What kind of question is that?"
"Hmm, indeed."
He took her gloved hands into his, and he tenderly stared into her eyes.
"I love you, Kyoko."
She smiled warmly. "I love you too, Makoto."
He would never get tired of hearing that. Makoto held Kyoko's waist and pulled her close, and he kissed her gently, closing his eyes as he indulged in the familiar sensation of Kyoko's soft lips. He kept it simple, just lightly moving his lips against hers. All he wanted was a humble, yet tender moment of affection with his lover.
Kyoko held his shoulders, and she kissed him just as softly. Makoto felt a pleasant tingle as Kyoko sensually pecked his lips. She kissed him slowly and lovingly. Makoto sighed contentedly. Even these simple kisses were enough to make him forget his worries, at least for the moment. Makoto kissed her more intensely, wanting to make her feel just as loved as he felt.
He felt Kyoko lock his lower lip, and she further deepened the kiss. Her hands trailed down Makoto's back, near his waist.
Things got heated.
Very heated.
As they went at each other, Kyoko leaned back and gave him her signature confident smile.
"You know what?" Kyoko purred. "I think I can prove this is real."
Makoto's heart skipped a beat, simultaneously confused and aroused. "H-how are you gonna prove it?"
With a devilish glint in her violet eyes, Kyoko glided her gloved fingers along Makoto's chest. "It's simple. If you think this is all just in your head…"
Suddenly, Kyoko shoved him hard against the wall. A jolt ran down his spine as his back took the impact. Kyoko leaned close, pinning him between her outstretched arms, and Makoto felt her warm breath whisper in his ear…
"I'll just have to make you feel more pleasure than you can possibly imagine."
… Makoto squealed.
Kyoko eyed him like he was prey ensnared in her trap. "You understand my logic, don't you? You see, if the amount of pleasure you experience is greater than the amount of pleasure you can imagine, then surely it follows that –"
"Y-yeah, yeah, I see your logic."
The devious smirk on Kyoko's face was killing him. "Then, shall we proceed with this plan?"
His whole body shuddering, Makoto nodded. "Please…"
Kyoko giggled. As Makoto remained pinned against the wall, Kyoko moved in and kissed him again…
As Kyoko had promised, she showed Makoto an incredible time. As they cooled down, Makoto thought about how lucky he was to have her.
He was so lucky that she was still…
Makoto snuggled with Kyoko on the couch. Kyoko hummed contentedly as they wrapped their arms around each other. The way she nuzzled her cheek against his shoulder, interlocked their legs together, her smile, it was just as wonderful as the sex. Makoto sighed. Thank God this had been possible.
Thank God she was alright.
Thank…
Kyoko's smile faded.
Gazing into his eyes, Kyoko caressed his cheek. Her lips quivered, and she whispered anxiously. "Did I… make you happy?"
Makoto frowned. "Of course you did. You were amazing. You did exactly what you said you would do. You made me feel more happy than I can imagine. Why are you even…?"
But if that were true…
Why were his eyes filled with tears?
Sobbing, Makoto held onto Kyoko tighter. "I'm still not over it."
"Makoto…"
He shut his eyes.
It doesn't matter if you deserve this.
You don't always get what you deserve.
Her story was supposed to end.
You were supposed to move on.
Why deny her beautiful sacrifice?
She was meant to die for you.
You were meant to carry on her hope.
Because that's what you do.
No matter who dies, you keep moving forward.
She had to show you how much she had changed.
And you had to prove yourself.
Prove that no matter what happens, you will never give up on hope.
Like she told you to.
Now wake up…
And face reality.
Makoto opened his eyes…
He saw…
Tears.
Tears were running down Kyoko's face, just like himself. Makoto's heart sank. Had he done this to her? He reached out and caressed her cheek. "H-hey…"
She sniffled. "I would die for you. I swear I would."
He grimaced. "I know, and I don't want you to."
Kyoko sadly averted her gaze. "It doesn't feel like it."
Makoto's eyes widened.
She really thought…?
"I'm so glad you're okay," Makoto had whispered. "I'm so glad you're here with me."
Kyoko had smiled as she had hugged him back. "You mean it?"
His heart shattering, Makoto shook his head. "K-Kyoko, oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I never meant to make you feel like I don't -" He choked. "Kyoko, I love you more than anything. Of course I don't want you to die. I would have given anything to have you back."
Kyoko kept staring off into space, as if she weren't there. "But it was beautiful, wasn't it?"
"I don't care!" Makoto yelled. "Your life is more important to me than the 'beauty' of your sacrifice!"
"Then what's the problem?" Kyoko asked, still looking away. "Is 'reality' truly that important to you? Or is it romanticism? Do you really believe it's too good to be true, or do you just think my death would have been poetic?"
"What the fuck is 'poetic' about it?!" Makoto snapped. "The only 'poetry' is that you were forbidden from having what you had been denied most of your life! That's not romanticism! That's just nihilism!"
"But I still chose you," Kyoko said. "Even though it would have killed me, I still chose you. I allowed myself to get attached again, and I acted on emotion. Is that not beautiful?"
"You were never selfish!" Makoto countered. "The only reason you 'abandoned' me before was to stop Enoshima, for everyone's sake! You always did what was best for everyone! I'm sure even if you weren't attached to me, even if we weren't friends, you wouldn't have sacrificed me just to save yourself! That's not who you are! You always put everyone's needs first!"
Kyoko sighed. "You think so highly of me." Her sorrow eyes were lifeless. "I wanted to be like you. I wanted to believe in you, like you had for me. Can you not appreciate that?"
"I…"
Makoto breathed in deeply. "I'm sorry if I seemed ungrateful. I do appreciate what you did for me. Your willingness to die for me is beautiful, but what I can't find meaning in is the need for your sacrifice. Maybe if the need had come up more naturally, it would have been an easier pill to swallow, but it was just Tengan demanding your sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice. It was completely unfair; you have always been treated so unfairly. To unnecessarily force a sacrifice like that… is just hideous."
Kyoko's gaze remained unfocused. "Yeah, Tengan was a monster, but does that make my sacrifice any less beautiful?"
Makoto clenched his teeth. "You know what doesn't make it less beautiful? Your survival. So what if you had Kimura-san's drug? You still risked your life for me. You still believed in me. You had faith that I would end the killing game without you. Whether you lived or died didn't matter. You had already committed. The only question was which way 'reality' would shift, whether the drug would save your life or not. Either way, you had already 'proven' yourself, if you really insist on saying you had to prove yourself in the first place.
"If anything," Makoto said, "your survival only makes it more beautiful. You refused to kill me to save yourself, but you didn't stop there. You found a way to save both of us. To me, that's even more heroic than sacrifice. Saving your own life makes me admire you more, not less. You're… you're my fucking hero, Kyoko."
Her eyes finally met his, gleamingly wet. "Makoto…"
Makoto held her tightly. "I'm sorry for doubting you. I don't know if the voices in my head will shut up anytime soon, but I'll do my best to believe in this gift, believe in you. Reality isn't always bad. Miracles do happen. Even if people say I need to learn to cope with grief or whatever, I'll ignore them. I can live without you, but that doesn't mean I want to. Neither of us have anything to prove to anyone, so I'll try not to fret over what the voices say 'should' have happened and focus on what I have, what I love. Alive or dead, I never want to let you go."
Her tears trickling down her face, Kyoko hugged him just as tightly. She sniffled and sobbed into his shoulder. "I… I w-want to live, Makoto. With you."
He grimaced as he hugged Kyoko back. "H-hey, don't –" He sniffled. "D-don't cry. Everything's…"
Makoto burst, tears pouring down his face. He and Kyoko both cried into each other's shoulders. Kyoko may have survived, but the pain was still there. Neither of them had fully recovered from what had happened. It had been too close. A strange sense of guilt hung over both of their heads, but together they would move forward. Because that's what they did.
They moved forward.
"M-Makoto…" Kyoko's tears washed off her foundation, exposing more of her purple skin, but it didn't matter. She was alive, and she was beautiful.
He kept holding her tightly. "This is what I want, Kyoko."
She sobbed. "Y-you do?"
"Of course I do."
"Th-this is what's best for you?"
"Of course it is."
She sniffled. "I… I really felt like, you d-didn't even want me back. I k-know that's not true, but I a-actually felt like -"
Makoto sobbed. "K-Kyoko, you helped create this future, and you deserve to be part of it. I want you to be part of it." He pat her back. "I want you, Kyoko. I'll always want you."
"I…"
Kyoko's sobs gradually calmed down. Makoto kept her in his arms as they both tried to find peace with themselves.
With a deep breath, Kyoko smiled sadly. "I'm sorry for doubting you."
Makoto smiled sadly. "I'm sorry for doubting you."
Staring into his eyes, Kyoko held out her scarred hand, and Makoto took it, intertwining their fingers together.
"I shall always be by your side," Kyoko whispered. "Alive."
Makoto's heartrate elevated.
Always?
Makoto wondered…
After coming so far…
With their bond so strong…
Was there any doubt?
Was there any reason not to…?
An all-consuming sinkhole brewed in Makoto's stomach, but he fought it back with all the courage he could summon and looked into Kyoko's eyes.
"Always?" he asked. "You'll always be by my side?"
Kyoko nodded. "Always."
His stomach kept churning. Was this really a good idea? Was this really an appropriate time? Would it have been manipulative to ask her such a serious question in such a heated moment? What if it just wasn't in Kyoko's nature? What if it wasn't something Kyoko wanted? After everything they had been through, the last thing Makoto wanted was to mess things up because he overstepped Kyoko's –
"You're agitated."
Makoto flinched. "I…"
Kyoko caressed his cheek. "You can tell me anything. You know that."
Yeah, that's what they had agreed. Okay. Makoto took a deep breath.
"Kyoko, I want you by my side… for the rest of my life."
Kyoko stared at him blankly. Makoto swallowed. Did she understand what he was saying, or…?
"Are you implying something, Makoto?"
He quivered. "I…"
Kyoko glared sharply at him. "Why don't you just say what you're thinking? If you have something to say to me, say it."
Why did he feel like he was being mugged? Trying his best to compose himself, Makoto popped the question. "Kyoko, will you ma –"
Her lips smashed into his. Makoto gasped at the sudden contact, but he closed his eyes and melted back into kissing her. Kyoko's hands rubbed his body all over while she kissed him roughly. Makoto kissed back just as passionately. They held each other close as they kissed, drinking each other.
Kyoko rolled on top of him with that tantalizing smirk of hers.
"Up for another round, my fiancé?"
His mouth agape, Makoto held her hips. "Hell of a way to say yes."
Kyoko giggled. "I didn't think you'd mind."
He grinned. "Not at all. Not at all…"
Their second round was just as great as the first.
Once they were finished, Kyoko's breath heaved as she recovered from exertion. She looked up at him and smiled. "Th-thank you, Makoto. That was wonderful. Quite possibly our best session yet." She giggled. "Maybe it's a good thing you tripped on that shot put ball."
Makoto chuckled. "You know what? Yeah, it was worth the panic attack, and I mean that sincerely."
"Hehe, I agree. It was worth it."
With a tender smile, Makoto leaned in and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. Kyoko closed her eyes as she caressed his cheek and kissed back. They pulled away, warm smiles on each other's faces. Makoto again cuddled with her on the couch, more than satisfied.
"I can't wait to marry you," Makoto whispered.
Kyoko hummed happily. "Neither can I." She stared at him, filled with happiness. "I love you so much." She kissed his cheek. "There's no doubt in my mind. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
His heart pounding, Makoto kissed her cheek. "I feel the same way. I love you too, Kyoko."
As Kyoko smiled, Makoto held his future wife in his arms and spooned her. Why had he ever doubted her? She was alive, because there were still so many things she had to do. So many desires to fulfil before she could die happily, and Makoto would be there for her until the end. No one lived forever. They would both have to die someday, but when that day came, they will have lived full, complete lives. For Kyoko, Makoto would settle for nothing less.
Nothing less for the love of his life.
AN: Yeah, I'm aware that I'm completely insane.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this bizarre mix of angst, heartfelt discussion, literary overanalysis, and utter degeneracy.