"Mm… yeah… yeaaaah…" a pair of human hands grasped an aluminum metric ruler, forming a line of eraser shaving while scraping sawdust into the unholy mixture, "Yeaaaaah, come to papa, deeeeep into my nose- OH SHIT WE'RE ON!" A hand shot up to the viewer, slapping the camera onto the floor and cutting to a technical difficulty made in a bootleg art application.

"Ahem!" The unknown man cleared his throat, pushing up the rectangular sunglasses up his bridge, "What it do everybody! It's ya boy, Dirty Dan, back at again since two K AD BABY! WOOOO!" He flailed his arms above his head, his tongue flinging about out of his mouth.

"Now, you're probably wondering where I've been," he said, dead serious, "back then, before the dinosaurs did a backflip and broke their necks like the LOOOOOSERS they WERE!" He cackled, mumbling something about skill issues and inferior genetics, "I had stockpiled a sperm bank's worth of chromosomes with the help of my best cousin friend-"

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!"

"Huh? Wha?"

"Aaaaauuuuugh(I thought I'm your best friend)..." On the bed laid a curled blue figure, whimpering in autism, their face away from the viewer.

"Oh COME-" Dan exaggerated a subtle wink, "-on! I didn't mean it like that, my pookie! You're my bestest friend!"

„Then what does that make me, partnah?" A third voice spoke out of shot, the origin somehow behind the listener.

"For crying out loud- I'm in the middle of SOMETHING!" Dan tweaked, his right lip twitching, drool flying out of his mouth, "now… SHUT UP!"

"Auuuuuuugh(You're so mean to us)..."

„Oh yeeeeah? Or whaaaat? Ya'll send us baaaaack?"

"No, you aren't Mexicans," he assured, "BUT! I WILL snitch to the LANDLORD!"

Johnny sat at his desk, suddenly sneezing for no reason.

The southern accent gasped, „You wouldn't!"

"Try me, you incest enthusiast!" Dan growled, a dangerous glint manifesting at the corner of the glasses.

„...Dang you, gosh darn liberal…"

"Thank you. Go back to the closet, Hermit Man, I'll call you when you're ACTUALLY needed."

Defeated, the heavily dressed man entered the closet, shutting the sliding doors behind him.

"Phew~" Dan sighed, "Now, where was I?" He punched his head in thought, his tongue licking his luscious lips. "Ah!" He snapped his fingers, resisting the urge to search for a booger, "I forgot where I was! Hahaha! FUCK." He hung his head low, his blue ally writhing in the background.

"I-"

"Auuuuugh(Start from the start, dumbass)..."

"Good idea, Cuck Guy!" Dan beamed, his mood switching in an instant.

Leaning back in his office chair, he put one foot over the end, shoed of course, and began, "It was like any other day…"

Hypnotic effects distorted the viewer's visage, a magical lyre stringing along-

„WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOIN'?!" The Hermit came out of the closet, shaking a broken broom at Dan and his unwashed white t-shirt, ambiguous stains and all.

"What the fuck?! How did you-"

„Narnia shenanigans, Danny! I fornicated a dragon ten chromosomes ago!" He revealed with pride before adding, "You can't do no flashbacks."

"And why is that? I'm not retarded like-"

"AAAAAAAAAAUGH(My balls are itchy)..."

"-him."

„He ain't handicapped, he…" the Hermit thought of his next words carefully „specially challenged. It ain't his fault, after Salamander…"

The room went quiet, paying respect to a great someone they used to know.

"Alright! Zayum! No need to get all sticky and emotional on the first episode!" Dan crossed his arms, having taken his foot out of the viewer's face. "But what about the backstory? I want to spoon feed my little yiglings!"

"No can do," the Hermit shook his head, "you said it yourself, bubba; we're poorer than a Martian prostitute."

"So- ooooOOOooOOOOoooOOoooh…" Dan nodded his head wickedly, smacking his forehead against the table at least twice.

"Sorry, I don't decide them this COMMIE economy," the Hermit stared off into the abyss, his hatred for the reds breaking into the visible realm via more shitty effects like green-screened sparks, only the green screen wasn't removed.

"Alright. I… I'll think of something else," Dan yielded, fiddling with his sunglasses.

„Good. I'll leave y'all fer now, gotta please me wife…" the Hermit didn't seem to excited at the idea, „fuckin' masochists…"

"AAAAAAAugh(Tell Pinkie I said hi)!"

"Kill yerself, blue cunt," there, the rooted British accent reared its hideous head.

After flipping the bird to Cuck Guy, the Hermit disappeared into the closet.

"Great. GREAT!" Dan exclaimed sardonically, "Now, I have to cook up a new plan! I'm out of juice. CUCK GUY!"

"AAAAaaaaugh(WHAAAaaat)?"

"Give me ideas! We're losing their short attention spans!" He snapped his fingers, a banana falling into his hand. "Ooo! Potassium! My favorite coke substitute! And I'm not talking about the soda~" As he peeled off the long, soft, curvy fruit, his blue friend intervened.

"Aaaugh, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegh(Wait, you don't know where it's been)," he pinched his clothed right nipple.

"Of course I know! The ceiling!" Dan pointed upwards, a still shot of duct tape stuck on said surface having failed to hold the fruit in its clutches.

"Agh, aaaaaaaaaaaaagh(Well, when was the last time you-)"

"OVER THERE! MINERS!"

"AAAAAAGH(MINERS)?! AAAAAAAAAAAUGH(MINEEEEEERS)!" Cuck Guy jumped off the bed, scurrying into the bathroom like a possessed cockroach. The noises that followed were metallic and cringeworthy.

"Heh, Cuck Guy, don't let the guy near coal deposits or they'll turn white!" He laughed, his wheezes dying down, a somber ghost in the gateway to his wretched soul.

"That's basically my life here. Our life." An unknown anthem played in the background, harboring feelings of unity and revolution, though stopping as abruptly as it began. "This exile thing SUCKS!" Cuck Guy then broke something in the bathroom, wet splashes echoing within.

"Like, there's NOTHING to do! Half my friends are gone or gone, the big boss is in the heavenly realm, even the villains are rotting in hell," Dan complained, the sweet victory of eons bygone too much for his tooth.

"What do I do after the credits roll? Huh? Have you ever thought of that?" He looked directly at the viewer, sadness bleeding from his heart, "What happens once the lights go out? When all's well and done, what of-"

Bursting out the bathroom, Cuck Guy screeched in underscore, tickling a ukulele in his hands, "Aaaaaaaaaugh(There's a monsteeeeer)!"

"The fuck?"

"Aaaaaaagh(Can you kill it)...?"

"Oh shit- wait, finally! ACTION!" Dan cackled madly, cracking his knuckles and pushing his sunglasses up his nose, the pinnacle of an anime protagonist, "Fret not, my cyan autist! I will save your precious… miners…" Dan shivered, eternally scarred by an image of the blue menace committing unsavory acts against a mountain of plushies donning hardhats. It happened, trust the source; Dan.

Getting up from the chair, the dirty human moved to the restroom with unmatched confidence, his fists ready for launch. Lord Chin Chin knew it'd been a long, long time since Dan used his raw powers for the greater good… or robbing a convenience store for wholesale Slick Jims.

Kicking the door, partially left open by Cuck Guy's irrational dash, Dan struck a ninja pose, "Ching chong bing bong motherfucker! I know karate and I'm not afraid to castrate you! Hey, that rhymed!"

"AAAAAAaugh(KILL IT already)!"

"Alright! Chill. Where is it? I don't see-" Dan stopped when he landed upon a tiny black spot on the tiled wall. Creeping closer to the sink, he squinted his eyes, the viewer zooming onto the thing.

"..."

"Cuck Guy?"

"Agh(Yeah)?"

"Is that a… those… what are they called…" Dan overclocked his puny brain, the high concentration of substances consumed by Droyd's reactor core blocking more than half his neurotic connections. "Ah! Sewage moths. A little moth fly whatever the fuck they are, yeah, is THAT what got you pissing yourself?"

"...Aaaaa(Yeah)?"

Dan slapped his hand against the wall, shoving it in the viewer's face, "THIS?!"

In his palm was another black spot, albeit more gray now that its innards were splattered on skin.

"AAAAAAAAAA(AAAAAAAAAA)!" Cuck Guy cried in animalistic fright, running back to the lounge, living, improvised kitchen and masturbation chamber.

"..."

Dan looked at his hand, his expression unreadable. After a moment of silence, he proceeded to wash his hands thoroughly with two rounds of liquid soap, the water shifting black because of the grim under his nails. He then dried his hands, hung the towel where it was and stomped out to confront his best friend.

"CUCK GUY!"

The blue cunt whimpered in reply, hiding beneath the sheets.

"Don't 'hmmmm' me! Did you seriously excite me over a… a…"

"AAAAAGH(MONSTER)!"

"Oh! 'Monster,' is it? I've seen African humans with greater monsters back in my day!" Dan's tone grew old, returning to the normal scratchy record when he added, "It was a fake moth! A faker of a faker! You didn't need me to deal with it!"

"Aaaagh, AAAAA(Why, ARE YOU BUSY)?" He countered, snickering like a retard who just found a peanut butter chocolate bar.

"You know what? I AM! I am busy!" Opening the closet, he brought out a belt, a sadistic grin cursing his unhandsome features, "You're an orphan, aren't you?!"

"AAAAAGH, AAAAAAAGH(WAIT, WAAAAIT)!"

Folding the belt in half, he grabbed both ends and tightened them with a crispy crack! Dan was done playing around.

"Too late, little yigga. If you can't provide me entertainment…

YOU'LL BECOME ENTERTAINMENT!"

In slow motion, the unwashed human lunged at his disabled brother in arms, raising the belt high with punishing intent.

"AAAAAAAAAAA(AAAAAAAAAAA)!"

"AAAAAAAAAAA!"

And so, Daniel of the Dirt beat the shit out of Cuckold the First for the simple act of wasting a minute of his life. While the Hermit was busy with his drake fiance, the Strawberry Man was on his way to their house to settle an old score.

…

What? You thought this shit was supposed to make sense? Hoh, my dear viewers, this is no xiaxian! This is the Dirty Dan Show! See you next time, when Dan and the gang do weird shit I can't spoil because I'm a voice in your head!

…

…

…

Fat losers!

…

A drum boomed, "It's Dirty Dan, madafaka! It's Dirty Dan, BITCH!"

An image of human fanart; two stickmen waving at a self-insert animaloid.

"Let's get some sushi tonight~"

The video ended, the beginning of a wonderful Zootube channel.