Part 2
They have to stop briefly to talk to the Council.
They're not happy with Anakin's actions anymore than last time but Obi-Wan glosses over most of the details in the report. He frankly doesn't remember much of the details anyway.
And he can see how nervous Anakin is. He doesn't remember noticing that nearly as much last time. Maybe because he'd been too focused on the situation, instead of Anakin himself. It doesn't get quite as far as an actual reprimand, at least.
They're walking through the halls, Obi-Wan still trying to figure out what to say to the boy, when a familiar figure runs up, copper-gold hair swinging at her shoulders.
It's been years but Obi-Wan does still remember her, if only because she was one of the only friends Anakin ever seemed to keep for more than one mission at a time.
Darra.
"Anakin," she says, breathlessly.
The boy's face lights up instantly. "Darra," he says, smiling, "I didn't know when I would be able to see you again. I missed you."
"I heard you were back," she replies, "So I had to come find you. How was the mission? I heard you were at some kind of... school."
"An upper-class school for Senator's children, mostly," Anakin explains.
"Wow," she says, "That would have been pretty different from the Temple."
"It was way fancy," Anakin replies, "But there was so much security. It kinda felt more like a prison half the time."
"Ouch," she says, a bit sympathetically.
"But you wouldn't believe what Ferus got accused while we were there." Anakin's smile is mischievous now.
"What?"
"Well, one of the students put a custard in the teacher's chair. And she sat right on it. And the teacher thought Ferus was the one who did it."
She giggles.
Anakin looks like he's trying not to laugh again himself.
Which... well, Obi-Wan can get that. Ferus is considered one of the best students at the Temple – a trademark for what a Jedi ought to be. To get accused of something like that is a bit ridiculous.
"How could they think he did it?" she asks, amused.
Anakin shrugs, grinning. "He handed out the notes before class. He knew who did it but – we couldn't blow our cover to tell on him."
"Oh," she says, smothering her smile. "Anything else interesting happen there? What were the other students like?"
Anakin's expression tightens a little. "Most of them ignored me. That's apparently true about all scholarship students."
Anakin's disguise had claimed he was there on a scholarship.
"What about Ferus?"
"He was supposed the child of a high class family, so... everyone wanted to be his friend." Anakin says it casually but Obi-Wan can see the hurt burning in his eyes. The jealousy. "Everything is about money there."
Darra makes a face. "That's annoying. But at least you're back here so you don't need to worry about that anymore."
Anakin smiles at her but it looks pained.
Empty.
It's something Obi-Wan thinks only he would notice, for how long he's known him.
Because Darra might not realize it but what she said is so untrue. She and Tru are the only friends Anakin has ever had.
Obi-Wan knows he's lonely and miserable so much of the time. But that changed a lot once the war broke out and he got Ahsoka and his boys. It came back a lot after Ahsoka left, but... It was never like when he was a padawan. Seeing the way he is now is reminding him of that all over again.
Making him wonder how much of Anakin's inability to ever fit in played into whyever he Fell. He never saw the Jedi as a family the way Obi-Wan did. That much was obvious on Mustafar. And he knows why on some level. It's just getting thrown in his face all over again.
"I haven't been able to spar in a long time," Anakin comments, "Maybe we can do that later?"
"Sure," Darra agrees cheerfully, "I have to catch up with Master Soara but I'd like to."
Anakin nods, exchanging a final grin with her before Darra heads away.
Obi-Wan watches, unable to ignore the quiet ache in his heart as he sees it. Anakin... had so few friends at the Temple. And every single one he had, he always lost. Obi-Wan knows he was often lonely and miserable. Did he underestimate just how much? There's so much he wants to ask him. He doesn't know where to start.
There's a long pause of silence.
"Master?" Anakin asks, looking up at him hesitantly, "Could... I see Marit?"
He doesn't think Anakin ever asked about that last time. "If you would like," he replies. There's no reason to refuse.
That – will actually give Obi-Wan more time to even remember where Anakin is in his training, at this point in time.
**w**
Marit and the rest of her friends are being kept near the Senate, for a hearing. Getting in there as a Jedi isn't overly hard.
Everyone in the group may be children but that doesn't quite stop the sudden surge of anger Obi-Wan feels, seeing them again. They were going to kill Anakin.
And that's not something he can forget.
As if he's even one to talk.
He wishes he could look at him now without remembering his screams, without feeling a constant ceaseless that was Anakin that was your child what did you even do to him -
Seeing the young him again now is almost making the guilt worse. Especially because he doesn't understand – Anakin has darkness, so much darkness, but he also has the softest heart in the galaxy and he has no idea how this child could have been the one to destroy everything Obi-Wan always knew. Seeing the Jedi Order again is making what was lost real all over again.
What if it's doomed to happen a second time? But it can't. Because he's not certain he could even survive that. And he can't imagine ever hurting his child again, not even if it did come down to a fight between him and the Jedi.
Not when all he can remember is the screams.
Or the smell of fire and lava.
He never wants to see either again.
Anakin and Marit go to a private corner to talk. Obi-Wan knows he's not meant to listen to it but he tries anyway.
"Anakin?" she asks, brushing her dark hair out of her face, "I didn't think expect to see you here again."
"I just thought I would come to see... how you were doing."
She sighs. "You can guess."
"Yes," he agrees, "I can. Talking about things can help, though."
She breathes out heavily. "All that time, I thought what I had with the others was real. That... we were actually going to help make a difference. We always did everything together, made every decision we made together, until they decided they were going to kill you. I never thought Gillam might have just been using us."
"It wasn't your fault you didn't see through him. And... Gillam may have been sincere but that does not mean he wasn't going too far. That happens."
"Yeah," she agrees, subdued "I guess."
"I believed in too, you know," he replies quietly.
"You're a Jedi, you said," Marit replies, "Aren't you already doing the kind of thing we were trying to? Just... not for money?"
"Yes, but..." Anakin fidgets, and his voice lowers a bit. "I just – it was different with you. Before I was a Jedi, I was a slave."
She starts, eyes widening. "You were?"
"Yeah. So. I really didn't fit in at your school."
She lets out an awkward laugh. "I guess not."
"When I was a slave, I always answered to my master. And as a Jedi, I guess the same thing is true. Even if it's not the same at all. When I was with you, it felt free. For – I guess it was for the first time."
That –
What?
Is that the thing that's been weighing Anakin down this whole time?
"I guess I get that," Marit admits, "We never had anyone else after coming to the school so we chose each other."
"That was part of what I... liked in your group," Anakin says quietly, "The friendship. The trust. There's not really any of that at the Temple."
She frowns. "There's not? I thought Jedi all worked together."
"Not like a family. We aren't supposed to be attached."
That...
Obi-Wan thinks he's beginning to see more and more why Anakin made those decisions now. Anakin's inability to let go of his unusual past is one of the things that held him back the most.
But Obi-Wan truly fault him for not being able to let go of his attachments when Obi-Wan can't do that in the slightest? He tried and tried, and he may have let go of the Jedi, even if he was still bitter about it, but he could never let go of his padawan.
And the more he thinks on it, perhaps that's also because he's the one person Obi-Wan doesn't want to let go of, either. He saw how empty it was with his padawan gone and he never wants to face that again. He knows it may not be the Jedi way, but if he has the chance to make a different choice now, he will make sure Anakin will always be with him.
And – perhaps what he needs to somehow do, is to ensure that Anakin never feels like he's entirely alone either. He had tried to be there for his padawan but he doesn't think now, that it was ever in a way Anakin understood.
"I can't really imagine that," Marit says.
"Well... I got used to it. If it meant being able to help." Anakin's smile looks pained more than anything else, though.
"I wish joining our group could have worked out for you," she replies, "I wish it had been real like I thought. But... I guess good luck as a Jedi."
Anakin nods. "Thank you. For – your friendship. And good luck at the Senate hearing."
She nods, smiling back.
They about leave their conversation at that.
Anakin comes back over to join him. Obi-Wan waits until they're back in the speeder before he says anything – that conversation wasn't really intended for him, he knows, but now he thinks it answers more questions than he ever thought he would get answered.
"I overheard some of your conversation with Marit," Obi-Wan begins.
Anakin stills, whispering a quiet "oh."
"What you said about... Feeling free while you were there," he says. Anakin looks away, curling in on himself. "Is that why you were so inclined to trust them?"
"Yes. it – it was just different, Master. I can't explain it."
"I know you struggled here, as a padawan. But... I think I have been oblivious to much of it and for that, I'm sorry." It sounds pathetically inadequate. It is. And his padawan will hopefully never need to know just how much so.
Anakin does look up then, a bit lost and uncertain. And speechless.
"You asked me earlier what was different," Obi-Wan goes on. "I know this will be difficult to believe but I... am from the future."
Anakin stares at him. "What?"
"I time-traveled from... many years into the future," he repeats, "Yes, I am aware it sounds like a prank that you would try to pull on me."
"You're telling the truth," Anakin says. Obi-Wan can feel the way he's nudging him in the Force, "But – how? And why do you feel like you're – I don't know. Cut off from the Force?"
He's almost surprised that Anakin is taking it so in stride but to be fair, he's not sure how much the boy believes it quite yet. Fairly. Then again, the Force makes it clear enough.
"The future is... dark," Obi-Wan answers slowly, "What it has in store is not something I think anyone could have imagined."
Anakin is still staring at him, his lips parting as though about to ask something that he seems to rethink about five times. "What... what do you mean?"
And that brings him back to the question of what he should say. He needs to warn the Council about Sidious. But is Anakin really ready to deal with that news now? Should he really tell him? And how couldn't he, when it may be the only way to keep them apart?
"I have not told the Council any of this yet but... the growing Separatist movement will become official. There's a war. And... the Jedi lose. To the Sith." The fight still feels lost. It hardly feels like it's something he can just change.
Maybe it's that all he can focus on is how he wants to change Anakin's fate more than anything else, because that's something he couldn't survive happening again.
"We lose?" Anakin asks.
We.
He said we.
It's insane how much that means when Obi-Wan already knows Anakin is still loyal to the Jedi right now. "Yes."
"But – how?"
"The war... changed a lot. That's a long story for... perhaps not right now. What I have wanted to know the most is about you, Anakin. I know you struggled a lot as a padawan, but... I'm not sure I... understand all of it. Why would you not feel free?"
Anakin bites his lip. "I don't know how to explain it, Master. I don't know what it means. I thought I would after leaving Tatooine, I would. I don't mean to be ungrateful – I know you and the Jedi have given me everything I have. But... but the Council asks a lot. I know they're only doing their job. But it doesn't feel like they're like that with – with everyone." He's fidgeting nervously, almost as though expecting a bad reaction.
Once, Obi-Wan may have denied it but... "They did hold you to higher standards," he admits, and for all that seeing the future has made him understand why, hearing the way Anakin is saying it now has him wondering if that constant pressure is what pushed things so far. Is it that Anakin always tried to prove himself until he just couldn't anymore? "And I know that is not... fair to you. I know you're not happy here."
He knows, after living through the war, that the days Anakin was a padawan that Obi-Wan so often looked back on with fondness were also some of the most miserable days of Anakin's life. He'd been much happier during the war.
Anakin's expression falters. "Sometimes. I am. But..."
"It's alright," he says, because he doesn't know how else to make Anakin actually answer instead of tripping over himself. And the boy is always so open so it's clearly not something he wants to talk about. Usually, that's a sign for Obi-Wan to stop pushing right now, he can't. "You can tell me, whatever it is. I spent years wanting to know how I... failed you as a master. I want the truth now."
Anakin's head snaps up. "You're not failing me," he protests, "You're the best master I could want."
The words leave him feeling suddenly choked.
With both warmth and guilt.
Because Anakin has no idea what the future truly has in store between them. He has no idea he only has seven years of his life left because of Obi-Wan.
It's enough that he has to look away, trying and failing to let it go, like he has every time in the last ten years.
"I wouldn't say that's true," Obi-Wan points out finally, "I think there's a lot you would rather I do, that I do not. Isn't there?"
Anakin hesitates.
Which about answers that question.
"I – I'm the one who failed you, didn't I?" Anakin asks, voice barely above a whisper, "I failed to be the Jedi you're trying to teach me to be? Is that what's wrong?"
How –
How is Anakin so perceptive all the time?
He wishes he knew what to say to that but he doesn't. He can't outright say no even if it's far more complicated than that. "Perhaps, in part," Obi-Wan answers at last.
Anakin flinches, looking away. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
Even when he doesn't even have anything to be apologizing for.
It's such a jarring difference from Mustafar that he just feels lost. To be fair, the Anakin now trusts him blindly, probably far more than he should. The Anakin then –
Was well aware of what he had come there to do.
Can he truly blame him for lashing out as violently as he did?
He hears Anakin breathe in shakily and look up sharply. He's crying.
Obi-Wan remembers quite well that it doesn't take that much to make him cry when they are discussing something this emotional but he hasn't seen it in so long. It's as gutting now as it always is, to see.
The last time he saw Anakin looking anywhere close on this was Mustafar, right after – he tries and fails to roughly push the memory away.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan protests. He did nothing to help him the last time he needed him the most. He's not going to make the same mistake again. "Regardless of what the future had in store for us, this... can be different. Or the Force wouldn't have sent me back."
He finds that the words feel like more a reassurance to himself. Something he only hardly believes.
The Force never kept the Jedi last time.
It never kept Anakin.
Maybe half the reason he's hardly been able to reach it in a decade because he can scarcely find hit in himself to trust it anymore. Even if he knows that's wrong.
"I tried. To be what you – wanted," he says, voice shaking, "I just wanted to make you proud."
Those words again.
The words that haunted him for years after this mission last time. But this time –
"You already have, Anakin," Obi-Wan replies, forcing himself not to think on what that night at the Temple. That has no bearing on this Anakin. Not even if – there's still a part deep inside of him that can't find it in himself to trust him. "I always have been proud of you. You... were the best of the Jedi. Better than I was."
Far better.
He certainly would never leave Ahsoka to burn to death, no matter what she did.
"That's why I don't understand what... changed. You were the best of us – even if you still had struggles."
"What happened?" Anakin asks.
He tries to imagine telling him. Tries to imagine saying you went through the Tempe and killed dozens of us, then tried to kill me. And then I left you to die for it. But he can't. For how Anakin has always tried to prove himself, knowing any of that would be horrible on his mental state. "It's not a burden you need to bear, Anakin."
"But then you'll have to do it alone."
He's truly forgotten how sweet his boy can be.
"I believe," Obi-Wan replies evenly, "That I more than asked for that." He guaranteed he'd do everything alone forever the moment he walked away. "Here," he holds out his arms, a bit uncertainly. He's never been one to initiate hugs, but now –
Anakin hug-tackles him hard enough to nearly knock him over. He just catches him, squeezing him back.
He's not quite at his fully grown height yet. Even if he is disappointingly as tall as Obi-Wan now. He misses it when he was small.
And snuggle-able.
His breathing starts to even out, after a few silent minute of just... holding him. Obi-Wan's not used to contact this long but right now, he never wants to let go.
"I'm not the what the Council wants of me," Anakin finally says, "Or – or you. I always tried but it's not enough."
"And I think I have told you countless times to stop trying to prove yourself," Obi-Wan reminds gently. "I don't expect you to be perfect. That's why you're still a padawan."
Anakin breathes out shakily. "But if I do stop trying then – then – I'll definitely fail. Like – like I'm meant to."
He doesn't know why it doesn't hit him until right now, that maybe the real problem is that Anakin is trying too hard to be something he's never going to be. Qui-Gon would be so much better at this. He was loyal to the Jedi way but not the commonly accepted way. Maybe that, whatever that would mean, is what Anakin needs. Maybe he's truly not meant to be what Obi-Wan spent so long trying to make him.
Maybe Anakin's not the one who truly failed at all.
It leaves him feeling insanely empty but also a little like giving up on the boy, and yet –
What he wants most now is to see him happy.
To see him loyal to him and him alone, no matter how selfish that is.
And if Anakin forever resents him for trying to make him the perfect Jedi he's not able to be, regardless of the reason, then...
"I can't say what happened next was set in stone," Obi-Wan replies, desperately hoping that that actually be true, "And even if it were, the failing is still mine. I'm the one who raised you. And whatever happened in my future isn't something you need to blame yourself for."
Anakin is silent, looking at him uncertainly.
Obi-Wan gently pushes him back, keeping a hand on his shoulder. "And... I suppose how much you never fit in here is helping. Is that what you had with Marit? That... they were friends?"
"I guess," Anakin admits, looking away, "They were close and they always decided everything together – at least until the end when they left Marit out of the decision to kill me. That's why she's so hurt. They were always close – and that's how it was on Tatooine. I know that's not the Jedi way, Master. But I can't stop wanting to have that again. And I know I never will again because I can't."
It really is like he thought and –
What if he actually does just need let Anakin be happy this time, instead of the perfect Jedi? Last time, he spent all his time trying to be his master. Maybe he needs to try being his parent this time. Even if he scarcely knows what that means.
That's against everything the Jedi taught him. It could well doom the galaxy all over again. But he couldn't possibly fail Anakin's training worse than he did last time. And if he already failed before, trying to do the same thing again isn't going to have any better of a result.
"I think that Qui-Gon would have answers for you that I don't," Obi-Wan answers slowly. Qui-Gon, who has never answered all the times he called, for some reason.
Maybe Obi-Wan doesn't know what he's doing. Maybe it's because he can't connect with the Force in the first place, which Qui-Gon is now part of.
Or maybe Qui-Gon doesn't want to talk to him. which he doubts but after what he did, he wouldn't even blame him. He can't stand living with himself either. That's probably why he's being so irrational right now because letting Anakin be a poor Jedi is only a more sure of way of guaranteeing he's going to Fall, isn't it
"I think he would say that it's not that you can't care. It simply means that we have to be able to think past those attachments."
"I know, But... I can't stop wanting more and I know I shouldn't."
"You're the closest thing I have to a father."
"I hate you!"
"If it is any help," Obi-Wan tells him, before he can overthink it, "I don't know much of family beyond how the Jedi see it, but you are... what I always imagined it would feel to have a child of my own. I do love you, Anakin. Whether that is the Jedi way or not."
Anakin stares at him.
He sort of looks like he's about to cry again. "I – I think you've done something with my real Master."
Obi-Wan laughs at the sheer unexpectedness of it. He can't remember the last time he's actually laughed about anything.
At least the joke made him feel less awkward over saying that to begin with. "What I am thinking," he says, "Is that perhaps what we both need is a meditative break from missions as we deal with this... situation."
Anakin doesn't look very happy. "But I – Yes, Master."
He's seen enough of the boy's desperation to prove himself to know what this is. Being taken off missions means he won't get the chance to prove that he actually can be a Jedi – and maybe Obi-Wan shouldn't have told him that because it's only going to make his fears even worse.
"I think you will like this break," Obi-Wan assures, and somewhere along the conversation, he thinks he's begun to slip back into what it was once like to be Anakin's master because making such decisions doesn't leave him feeling near as lost anymore, "To start with, we will go to Tatooine to see if your mother is alright." He let her die and he's not going to make that mistake a second time.
Anakin freezes. "But... I'm not allowed to see her. I thought – "
"She's still someone who needs help. That does count as the Jedi way," Obi-Wan offers, even if he knows Anakin's been told otherwise countless times.
He looks totally mind-blown and confused, honestly.
"And even if spending time there because of an attachment isn't the Jedi way... as the child you still are, I think you deserve that chance." Obi-Wan just really, really hopes he knows what he's doing.
"You mean this? You'll – really take me there?"
"I will."
"And the Council won't..."
"They won't need to know." That's not a thing he should be encouraging, but well...
"Thank you," Anakin breathes, "Thank you, Master."
"But before we go, there's someone in the crèche, I'd like to take you to see." Finding Ahsoka shouldn't be hard. Anakin deserves to get to meet her.
"The crèche?" Anakin repeats, "Who'd I need to meet there?"
"Guess," Obi-Wan tells him smugly.
"How could I guess?!"
He just smiles infuriatingly smugly instead of answering.
Anakin huffs. "I don't know. Your future padawan maybe?"
"Most assuredly not. I have no intention of taking one after you."
"Another future padawan as annoying as Ferus? Who you want me to meet early so we don't start fighting again and drive you crazy?"
Obi-Wan laughs. "No. Try again."
"A time traveling version of you as a baby?"
"Goodness padawan. Where do you get your ideas from?"
Anakin shrugs, grinning. At least he's actually smiling again. It warms something in Obi-Wan's heart that he thought was gone forever. "I don't know. Can't you just tell me?"
"Her name is Ahsoka. She's your future padawan."
"My – what?!"
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