A/N: For all my ishadar readers it has been a long while since ive posted so be prepared for Christmas specials and special chapters coming soon. Enjoy the spoilers. These spoilers are more Character spoilers to allow for my ishadar readers to get a sense of what most upcoming characters are like. But if my Ishadar readers like any small skit that apeals to them and would like me to put it in. Hit me up and i will put it in. Other than that, Enjoy.
Zadkiel and Her Hubby
(At the office)
Zadkiel: I don't care about what you have to say, you're not improving my performance, you're not making any progress in my mood, you're out of my thought process the moment you walked into the vicinity of my life!!! Now move out of it before I kick you to hell myself!!!
Angel: I'm sorry ma'am!! (Flies away)
(At home)
Caelus: evening, my love!!! Awe…long day?
Zadkiel: (sighs) yes too long…but you know what will make it better?
Caelus: a spa? A bath? Some rose petals leading all over the bed room?
Zadkiel: hmm, my honey bunny Moon…(looks into his eyes)…some dessert.
Caelus: oh!!! You want some chocolate cake? Tiramisu? Fluffy pancakes?
Zadkiel: awe, that sounds delicious, but I want something sweeter.
Caelus: but you hate sweets…(realization) oh Jippers…
Part II
Zadkiel: Where's my husband? Where is he? He was right here where I left him a minute ago, and now he's gone!!
Jeremiel: I don't understand what you see in him.
Zadkiel: he's the only person on the whole planet and in Heaven and Hell, that I love and adore.
Raphiel: What about your children?
Zadkiel: No one compares to him, idiot. He is what you can't pry away from me.
Part III
Caelus: my wife? Where is my wife?
Zerachiel: What do you see in that monster? She's absolutely crazy!!!
Caelus: don't talk about my wife like that, she's gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, funny, courageous, amazing, talented, and every word that declares her wonderful and special in this whole world and universe as well as Heavenly and beyond.
Zerachiel: You are what humans call a "simp."
Caelus: if it means that my wife is the one who I want in many different worlds, and I choose her and only her even when my memories are gone, and it is she who walks and moves Heaven and the Earth, then yes, I am a "Simp."
Names are hard
Aalok: hey can Serapatch come over and play?
Zadkiel: …who?
Aalok: Serapatch?
Zadkiel: please speak normally, who is Sera-
Aalok: Sarah? You know the little angel that is my friend?
Zadkiel: Oh goodness, why didn't you say that?
Aalok: I thought I did.
Zadkiel: Honey, Sarah is the name of the angel, where did you even come up with…sour patch?
Aalok: huh, for the longest time I thought that was her name. So wait…is Benadryl not really Ben's name?
Zadkiel: no honey, Ben is short for Benjamin.
Aalok: So Jazztastic is not Jas's name?
Zadkiel: no!! It's Jasmine.
Aalok: Then what's Iggy short for?
Zadkiel: What do you think iggy is short for?
Aalok: Igloo.
Zadkiel: no, honey, it's short for Igneous.
Aalok: like the rock?
Zadkiel: yes.
Aalok: like the one that's combustible?
Zadkiel: I guess?
Aalok: ok, I guess I can see that, he does have some anger issues he needs to deal with.
Zadkiel: …anyone else you need me to clarify?
Aalok: why would I be talking about Clairvoyant?
Zadkiel: …do you mean Clair?
Aalok: yeah…why what's her name?
Zadkiel: Clarice.
Aalok: ok, then I gotta be right on Antihistamine?
Zadkiel: …Do you mean Anne Marie?
Aalok: That's not her name!!! Is it?
Zadkiel: Oh my gosh.
Aalok: ok, then what's Gray short for?
Zadkiel: Gray.
Aalok: Oh look at me, I got one right.
Zadkiel: goodness you're so weird. (Doorbell rings) oh hey, Seraphiel. How are you Josh?
Joshua: I am good.
Aalok: oh hey Joshephany.
Zadkiel: (looks between Aalok and Sera) …
Names are a bit hard PII
Raven: sup Pegasus.
Peggy: First of all, I am not a mythical creature, and second my name is Peggy. Only Peggy, Just Peggy.
Raven: by human standards, I mean those who don't believe we exist, we kind of are mythical creatures, and to be fair, your name is stupid.
Peggy: How is my name stupid? My mother named me this.
Raven: your mother must've been on something, because that name sucks.
Peggy: ok, Perilla, you need better friends, because they-
Raven: What? bad influences?
Perilla: Raven, zip it and put it in your pocket. Peggy, get used to this, they are all going to nitpick you in some way.
Peggy: what?
Perilla: yeah, they did the same thing to me, took one look at me and fact checked me like an open book. They are going to do the same thing to you…maybe it's your hair,
Peggy: my hair?
Perilla: maybe it's your overall appearance, or your face, or your personality, or your wings, or your feet-
Peggy: Who hurt you?
Perilla: Look, all I'm saying is, you're not special, they are going to murder your overall character and there is nothing you can do except take it with your head held high.
Raven: I couldn't have said it better myself…actually that's a lie, (looks at Peggy) your face is like a washed out hazardous blue berry that some elementary school kid painted over and told people "it is not a blueberry styrofoam."
Chicacora: ew, musty crusty, when's the last time you've seen a hair stylist?
Peggy: A week ago?
Chicacora: hmm…your hair needs attention, but I feel that if you bring it to a professional, they are gonna take years to give it back some volume.
Everyone: mhmm.
Confronting your bully.
Zedmisis: (kicks the door down) I'm here to tell you, that your life means nothing to me!!!
Aalok: Ok Pinocchio, there's the door.
Zedmisis: what?
Aalok: You said, I mean nothing to you, so that should be a cause for you to walk out the door and forget I exist.
Zedmisis: yeah…you're right. Ok little monster, you're on your own tonight, don't expect me to cook for you. (Leaves)
(Comes back)
Zadkiel: So you left your 8 year old sister alone in the house, and you let her touch the stove with her cute little hands?
Zedmisis: (looks past his mom towards Aalok) …you little snitching monster.
Aalok: (blows her nails and then looks at Zed) suffer.
Zadkiel: don't look at your sister, look at me, cause I can tell you, that you're grounded till pigs fly.
Big Brother always a step ahead.
Some Angel: hey, I heard your Aalok's brother, do you know if she's in the common room?
Zedmisis: yeah, she's there.
Some Angel: cool. (Walks away)
Zedmisis: (transforms into his armor and walks after him)
(Some years later)
Virel: hey, zed? Is Raven, in the Branch room?
Zedmisis: yeah, she's there.
Virel: cool. (Walks away)
Zedmisis: (walks after him in his armor)
Gotta love family dynamics
Caelus: Hey love.
Aalok: hello daddy!!!
Caelus: want to learn something cool?
Aalok: like what?
Caelus: I'm gonna teach you how to steal a vehicle!!!
Zadkiel: Honey bunny no!!!
(Another time)
Aalok: daddy? Do you have a license to drive a motorcycle?
Caelus: That's between me and the devil sweety.
Zedmisis: So basically "no."
(Another time)
Caelus: good morning beehive!!
Aalok: daddy!!! You came to pick me up?
Caelus: yes I did. So? Do you want to learn something cool?
Aalok: yes please.
(A few minutes later)
Caelus: and that my little firelight is how to be an amazing getaway driver.
Aalok: Can I try?
Caelus: I don't know…your mother was dead set on you being home by dinner…
Aalok: please daddy?
Caelus: tell you what, next time when we have more time I will let you. I still have to show you how to pick a lock, and teach you about how to do a BNE.
(Another time)
Caelus: Zed, hand me a screwdriver and a hammer.
Zedmisis: (hands him both)
Caelus: alrighty…this should be all. Are you ready to test it all out?
Zedmisis: why am I the one having to ensure this works?
Caelus: because I like your sister too much to allow her to get in trouble.
Zedmisis: and this is why you earn the worst dad in all of history.
Caelus: shut up and do your work, besides your mother loves you. That should be all the parent love you need.
Zedmisis: what does that mean?
Caelus: a son adores his motherly love, just like a daughter honors her father's promise.
Zedmisis: Is enacting your daddy issues onto me a way for you to feel better about knowing you're becoming your old man?
Caelus: I let you live in my house rent free, shut up and test this great system out.
Zedmisis: (walks into the bedroom and opens the cabinet)
Warning: warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!! These are not real diamonds!!! Please locate them near the bedside table!!! Warning, warning, warning!!! Taking a jewel of any kind will end in the 5 second self destruct sequence!!!!
Zadkiel: What on earth is that Hell foul sound? (Walks in)…Caelus…what are you doing with my jewelry?
Caelus: Hello my flowery lady queen!! I'm teaching the kids how to make and dismantle a security system.
Zadkiel: well…I know a security system you can-
Aalok: papa we got the goods let's book it!! (Running to the car)
Caelus: love you honey bunny boo!!! (Jumps out the window and rolls on the front car and hops into the car and rolls out of the lot)
Zadkiel: …!??!?!
Strange best friendship
Raven: I'd die for you.
Gray: I'd kill for you.
Raven: Thank you.
Gray: But if I had to pick between you or the enemy, I'd choose you first because you asked for it. And you were a (beep) for leaving me in the enemy's hands.
Raven: That's fair.
(Another time)
Raven: if this ceremony goes any longer,I'm gonna have to saw my feet off.
Gray: I'd say I'd help you, but I don't help people out of the goodness of my heart.
Raven: I'm not paying you for your food, you have enough money for the food in the cafeteria, quite mooching off of me-
Gray: It's not mooching, it's called owing me a favor.
Lizzy: I think it's starting…nope never mind, the stupid man is only there to fix the mic.
Raven: We could saw off our feet and make fun of everyone?
Lizzy: wouldn't that hurt us more than hurting other people's image?
Raven: then it's decided, we're sawing everyone else's feet and gluing it to their heads like a second pair of horns. They will really be thinking "All of Hell Broke loose!!"
Narrator: and so it was on this day that the little rascal known as Raven and her band of troublemakers unleashed snakes of various kinds, with apples raining down into the school room and scorpions of all kinds. All because they couldn't find a sharp saw.
Papa continued
Caelus: where's Honeybee?
Zadkiel: hopefully somewhere in that play.
Zedmisis: agreed, I'm not gonna be paying a rip off sale on a ticket if they didn't even put our little basket in the play.
Raphael: I don't think we need to worry too much about that, after all you all had made it very clear yesterday…
(The other day)
Caelus: if I see that you excluded my little sprout pole in the play, I will exclude your existence entirely from reality!!!
Zadkiel: I will make sure you know exactly where your life ended and it'll be by my bare hands.
Zedmisis: I can't do much, but I will hunt you down and I will burn your house to the ground.
(Now)
Raphael: oh hey I think I see them!!!
Everyone: where?
Raphael: down there.
Some angel: do you mind shutting up? Some of us are trying to enjoy a peaceful…show…
Caelus: (glaring down the person)
Zadkiel: huh? Didn't quite understand what you said?
Some angel: oh!!! shoot, a Thesreil!!!
Narrator: And so that Angel took the next flight out of there.
School rules…
Seraphiel: fight, fight, fight!!!
Raphael: Seraphiel, you're a teacher, stop encouraging violence and stop the mess!!!
Seraphiel: But they were about to slaughter each other-!!!
Raphael: I don't care if you're the gosh darned school board, school rules state we don't yell "world star" When there is a fight going around!!!
Seraphiel: What are the rules on when a fight breaks out? You can't really hit a kid. Can you…?
Raphael: Sera, no!!!
Andrew's Truth & Lies
Andrew: ok what do you want me to do?
Perilla: go in there and tell the truth.
Andrew: like?
Perilla: What do you mean "like?"
Andrew: well, it's the doctor. And I have to tell him the truth…what do you want me to say? That he is amongst the future of Heaven and Hell's power keeper and this power keeper, aka…me is here to take his life away from him because it is his time?
Perilla: exactly. That's the good work an Angel does.
Andrew: this is morally wrong-
Raven: You're not a human, Andrew.
Andrew: …
Raven: Raven? Anything you want to say to try and corrupt this nice man?
Raven: No, no, I want to commit to seeing your side and seeing if it works.
Perilla: great. (turns Andrew around and pushes him into the office) Go in there and do God's good work.
(about a good minute later)
Andrew: (comes out)
Raven: That's a terrible black eye.
Andrew: really?
Raven: I'm guessing that things didn't go the way that it went?
Andrew: basically.
Raven: amazing!!! It's my turn to make things better. (turns Andrew around) go back in there and destroy the place.
Part II
Andrew: I am not stealing a car-
Raven: Come now. Car stealing is a great bonding time. And a good technique to have for situations like this. (Continues to tinker with car)
Andrew: How do you know how to hotwire a car?
Raven: where all bad habits typically come from-
Cathy: YouTube?
Raven: no!!! Parents!!!
Cathy: my parents never taught me how to Hotwire a car.
Raven: Actually, your parents never taught you anything.
Cathy: because they died?
Raven: no, because they left you on the steps of the orphanage, and bought booze for the rest of their lives.
Cathy: how do I know your not lying to me-
Perilla: oh no honey, that is exactly what happened.
Part III
Raven: (sitting on a bench watching people) that person reminds me why we need a dietitian in this day and age.
Perilla: (looks up) ok be nice.
Raven: What do you think Andrew?
Andrew: I am not going to say anything because they can't see you. They can see me.
Raven: We could get on your level. But I kind of like to be able to jump around the place and look good with broken but useful wings.
Michael: That!!! (Points at a person) that person needs therapy.
Raven: Maybe you're looking at a mirror image of yourself?
Michael: no, no. Not that ugly, this one definitely looks like a therapist should intervene right away.
Raven: To be fair, you think everyone needs therapy.
Michael: Look at him and tell me I'm wrong?
Raven: your not wrong-
Michael: ah-ha!!!
Raven: But your guesses are so low it's practically tripping in Hell.
Michael: rude!!! I'm right one the money with this one-
Raven: (points to different people) tell me about that one?
Michael: depressed Michael Jackson-
Raven: That one?
Michael: depressed Chris Evan's-
Raven: And that one?
Michael: That looks like Robbie Downy JR!!!
Raven: That's a man with a kid dressed as Iron man. And the other is dressed up as Spider man. Where do you see RDJ?
Michael: I don't, I wanted to prove to you that I can be different.
Raven: different? You told the poor people that the man bald and ready for window wash and a free waxing shine with a side of shoe polishing was RDJ.
Michael: …
Raven: Yeah, yeah. Point proven. Pick a different thing.
Michael: done. Here comes dicon after a 3 minute work out.
Andrew: really!?!?
Michael: Look Andy, your girlfriend went on vacation like a ghost town and comes back with vegetable legs.
Perilla: You can still be nice.
Cathy: so…where's that hot angel?
Michael: Is she talking about me?
Raven: not everything's about you.
Andrew: What angel?
Cathy: that blond haired busting with bod hottie.
Michael: see? See? What did I tell you?
Raven: nothing. You asked me a question-
Michael: That turned out to be facts!!! So suck it!!
Raven: What are you five? Why are you saying suck it in this day and age?
Michael: because I can and will.
Raven: wow. Her standards are so low she's basically tripping on her delulu like a major disappointing news coming out of nowhere.
Andrew: He's not here.
Michael: Either way, Your dicon girlfriend Like me.
Raven: the same one you insulted not even 4 seconds ago-
Michael: Shut up, you were too.
Cathy: Are any of your winged friends here?
Andrew: nope. They took a nice long vacation.
Cathy: oh. Do angels take vacations?
Perilla: Yes we do.
Andrew: I'm certain they do.
Raven: "You are certain?" Sir, she just gave you the idea!! Literally there was an opportunity waiting for you to be smart.
Andrew: so what would you like to do when we're in the park-
Raven: I say we possess Dicon over here and push him off the slip and slide!!
Perilla: you are not taking over someone's body. But we can join him in this "slip and slide?" Or park as he called it.
Michael: There we can handle her body and drop him from a larger height.
Perilla: no!!
Part IV
Raven: (going down the slip and slide) I win!!! Take that Michael!!
Michael: Take what? (Bites in a sandwich) Your crushing defeat? I'm good, I have a darn good sandwich.
Raven: You cheated!!!
Michael: I am Appalled at how you think so lowly of me. I would never cheat. Besides, I have God on my side.
Raven: and I have the power of Anime on mine-
Ramiel: you know what that means? The two of you together are Power of God and Anime on your side.
Raven: I don't want to work with him.
Michael: Raven can go back to the whole she crawled out of.
Raven: What rock did you crawl out of?
Michael: What do you mean?
Raven: oh I don't know. We come from the same place?
Michael: really?
Raven: really.
Michael: my mothers name is different.
Raven: my mom is a prick so good job not having a mom whose name sounds like you're hurdling your sanity across the universe. Like what kind of name is Zad-kiel?
Michael: That is true. Thinking about your mother makes my blood boil, she makes me wish death on her, or her rotting in Hell-
Perilla: how did we get to this conversation?
Remiel: I wouldn't know how to answer that. I got invited to this by Raven, and now I'm living for the drama.
We listen and we don't judge
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge!!!
Raven: Sometimes when everyone leaves or isn't looking my way, I sneak 5 to 6 spoonfuls of sugar.
Perilla: How many times have you been doing that?
Raven: well, one time my parents were away on their honeymoon, and accidentally left me and the younger siblings alone, so I ended up eating the whole sugar by the end of the week.
Michael: How do you not have diabetes?
Raven: ah!! You can't judge.
Michael: fine, but I'm gonna be concerned about your diet.
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge!!
Michael: Whenever my therapist tells me to do something as small as compliment myself to promote my self worth, I go to the gym instead and hand out compliments to all the tight fit dudes there.
Raven: so…like…you don't go there to work out?
Michael: no…why would I do my private exercises in public? I don't want the ladies to know what I do to build up the favorite part of what they like about me.
Raven: Are you sure you're doing it just for the ladies?
Michael: You're right, I also don't want the men to know what I do either.
Raven: yup. Ok. So what's the deal with the men getting the compliments?
Michael: I don't want the ladies to think I'm some creep trying to hit on them-
Remiel: doesn't that defeat the purpose of what you're trying to do?
Michael: What do you mean?
Remiel: I mean, the men might also think that you're trying to hit on them. Especially if you're only going for the guys and not the general population.
Michael: oh my gosh…I think I know why my gym has been calling me the "Gay guy."
Remiel: please tell me, you didn't think of them calling you that because you were a "Happy" guy?
Michael: …
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge.
Gabriel: one time I lied about-
Raven: We heard it hear, folks!!! The man has lied!!! Sir? Do you mind telling us what it is that went through your head when you did such an act?
Gabriel: Let me finish. I once lied about having a bestfriend, and God kind of knew so he kept it a secret till I confessed.
Raven: Was that best friend, Azrael? Cause let me tell you, a lot of people don't think of the Angel of Death as a best friend you keep by your side all the time. But when you do befriend him he tends to get into trouble with you.
Azrael: rude. But it's true.
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge.
Remiel: I once was really, really mad at someone so I went to my neighbors and started a consensual fire and we blamed it on a candle.
Azrael: I know this is a no judgment zone right now…but why is it that the fire you made with your neighbor was considered consensual?
Remiel: because it was Fox and Mox.
Raven: That makes so much sense.
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge.
Fox: speaking of burning things down, we burned down a whole apartment complex
Raven: stop confessing your crimes-
Mox: stop being a party pooper.
We Listen and we don't judge Pt 2
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge.
Perilla: I'll admit, I have had some questionable experiences in my life.
Raven: like?
Michael: and you can't pull out stealing from a vending machine that you paid for by accident, because it's not questionable, it's just stupidity at its core.
Perilla: well…I got two candy bars and it felt wrong to eat another one that I didn't pay for…
Raven: she refused to eat it-
Perilla: because it wasn't the one that I needed and I felt like I was robbing the vending machine's money grab.
Raven: Honey, the vending machine is an inanimate object, it doesn't have feelings. If you got two, you got a two for one deal. Consider yourself lucky.
Michael: That's funny, she had that same issue with me…
Gabriel: and me.
Peggy: and me-
Raven: Why are you here?
Perilla: why are you being mean to my sister?
Raven: I don't like her for some reason.
Michael: cause she keeps hitting on people.
Peggy: no I don't-
Both: you hit on Chicka all of last week.
Peggy: Yeah, that is one person.
Raven: That is a demon.
Peggy: and?
Raven: and? And? What do you mean, " And?" You said you wouldn't date or even look at a demon and he said he'd rather kill himself than date you. Stop trying-
Peggy: Have you been reading my love letters?
Michael: I wish I had the option to read them. The man keeps reading them to us.
Raven: this is the reason for why I hate your sister-
Perilla: we listen and we don't judge-
Raven: fine.
Uriel: so…I just have to say something interesting about myself that people would typically find offensive or problematic?
Raven: yup.
Uriel: well, I stole a pool table from my neighbors in a fit of rage and wrecked their piano. I also stole a few of their paintings and sold them on the black market to pay off my mortgage.
Michael: ok Picasso, one crime at a time. Leave room for some of us.
Everyone: …we listen and we don't judge.
Gabriel: There was once this really nice dress…that my wife had. So I went and tried it on. The problem with it was…I found it to look really good on me.
Raven: Do you have a picture-?
Gabriel: You're not using it as black mail.
Raven: I would never.
Gabriel: shows her the picture.
Raven: wow…your wife wore that and I thought she looked good, but you wear it and I wanna call up God and ask if He'd like a wife?
Gabriel: That makes no sense whatsoever. But more power to ya.
Everyone: we listen and we don't judge.
Azrael: there was this one time I snuck into Sera's house to take my scythe back since I was on house arrest. So when I got in, instead of going through the hassle of trying to get it and put it back, I used that ugly vase she kept hanging around. So when she asked people about it, I told her she lost it during that whole, "hell stealing priceless gems that time they broke loose."
Seraphiel: Excuse me?
Raven: Oh yeah, I remember that Vase. I took it home with me when he said "here, take this, and destroy its existence." So I took it home and smashed it and hid it in my mom's pillow.
Zadkiel: what?
Raven: well, I knew if anyone could get rid of things without a trace it would be you, and sure enough you were on your way to Home Depot to buy a new favorite pillow.
Zadkiel: you mother flipping-
Everyone: we listen and We don't judge.
Michael: I am the one that stole Sera's Santa costume and flute.
Seraphiel: You stole my costume and Flute-?
Michael: yes. I was sick and tired of having to hear the shrills of a dying child being tainted by the shrills and screams of a dying flute on Christmas Eve. Not only does heaven not want to be maimed by terrible flute playing, they also don't want to see Saint Nick putting Coal in their children's stockings because they don't celebrate Christmas right. Do you know how annoying it gets when I and the rest of the Archangels have a mission to put a sleeping baby to sleep because they didn't get stalking gifts?
Seraphiel: I say that's called God's work-
God: no, no, don't bring me into this. I'm just here for a thriller game.
Seraphiel: fine. We listen and we don't judge. Last Christmas when you came home with a cute little pet-
Michael: You mean my Chipmunk?
Seraphiel: Yes, that thing. You asked me to watch over him while you went on a scouting trip, well, I went out on the boat and watched him fall off the side and CarPlay down to earth.
Michael: You mean to tell me, you allowed my chipmunk to fall off the side of your yacht?
Seraphiel: yes. By accident.
Uriel: bro, that didn't sound like an accident. You made it sound like-
Raven: he wanted to swan dive off the yacht.
Facing your depressed life
Michael: This person told me that you can help me?
Melvin: …oh great another issue.
Michael: ok, so my problem is a bit and a lot…
Melvin: (drinks his coffee) …
Michael: …
Melvin: (just stares at him)
Michael: …so what happened was-
Melvin: nope.
Michael: what?
Melvin: I said no.
Michael: but you just-
Melvin: no.
Michael: But your a-
Melvin: yup.
Michael: and you obligated to-
Melvin: Not really.
Michael: what?
Melvin: see. I'm not obligated to help you. I am paid to help you. Take the payment away, and I'd be giving you free advice on how to live your life. But you and I both know I don't get paid enough to do free advice.
Michael: …
Melvin: besides. You have the choice to follow my advice or not follow my advice, in the end I'll be paid or not paid either way, and you'll walk out of my office taking in some new found self aware issues and problems with you like another baggage you can add into your depressingly sad daily life.
Michael: You're a really sucky therapist.
Melvin: And you're a messed up angel with a boat load of trauma that makes me want to walk into the street and get run over by a car. But hey, we're still here, and you still have a problem. I can fix them, but only if you're willing to put in the work.
Michael: You think you can help me?
Melvin: I can't help a person who can't take my advice and whines like a 5 year old with temper tantrums.
Michael: ok…
Melvin: I will insult you and belittle you, because you remind me of my youngest son who thinks temper tantrums are ok and will give him whatever he wants.
Michael: I'm guessing that they work?
Melvin: yes. I bought him his favorite food, and left him in Walmart overnight.
Michael: …did he learn-
Melvin: Of course, we found him in the ice cream aisle puking his guts out…and then I made him work at the Walmart to pay for the damages and the unpaid ice cream.
Michael: So basically you're telling me that you're a terrible father.
Melvin: no, I'm telling you, act like a spoiled 5 year old brat and you get to be treated like an adult. But I will build you back up. Not into a new person because I'm not God. But into a changed person because I am technically like your Guardian Angel.
Michael: I don't think that you being my guardian angel is appropriate-
Melvin: Fine, your knight and shining armor?
Michael: I don't like you enough to find you as my boo thing.
Melvin: I would rather crash land on Mars and be strangled by an alien with octopus tentacles than ever hear you say "Hey Baby, boo thing how was your day?"
Michael: …Why are you helping me?
Melvin: because you remind me of-
Michael: A younger you?
Melvin: …no. You remind me of all the blind randos who lie to themselves that they're "fine" when in reality, they are just another helpless, emotional roller coaster that makes me want to punch them in the face, and have amazing dreams of them having the inevitable down hill crash landing of hell being immersed into their everyday chaotic lives.
Michael: …I feel your gonna be the death of me-
Melvin: Angel, buckle in, this is going to be your nightmare.
The Doctors Office
Chicacora: I don't want to be here.
Michael: (playing card with Raven)
Raven: me neither. But we're here to help support Andrew since we agreed last night that we would help out.
Chicacora: I don't want to support this human thing!!! I never agreed to this!!!
Raven: We could steal some of those needle things that they poke in people. I hear you can also sell organs on the black market for a good price.
Michael: (stops what he's doing) no…no…no. We are not stealing things, or selling people's body parts to make money that we all don't need.
Raven: I have rent to pay. My landlord is on my butt for not paying off the last 60 unpaid rent I still owe her.
Michael: can't you manifest money?
Raven: sure if you agree to do a heist with me.
Michael: I'm not doing that.
Raven: You angels are all the same. Live a little. What's the risk in life if you can't have a little fun?
Michael: Everything, everything is the risk if you have fun.
Raven: That's a bit depressing. Are sure your new therapist is doing anything of value?
Chicacora: I mean, he got himself an actual girlfriend.
Ravne: …What!?!? And it's not a Sword?
Michael: You know Shemani?
Raven: That really cool Powers angel?
Michael: yup!!
Raven: Wow. you're not a loser anymore.
Michael: (glares at her)
Chicacora: *chuckles*
Michael: When was I ever a loser?
Raven: You dated your sword for 5 years.
Michael: …!!! That was different-
Chicacora: You kept telling everyone and anyone "I am in a situationship with my sword."
Raven: And everyone took it in the wrong way. And were very disturbed.
Michael: ok…well I am dating an amazing woman. So…shut up.
Raven: ok.
Chicacora: alrighty then.
Raven: …
Chicacora: …so…what even is Andrew here for?
Raven: I don't know, he called me up out of the blue and told me he needed support at the hospital.
Chicacora: for what?
Andrew: (came in) you guys came!?!
Chicacora: reluctantly.
Michael: I was just here for my mental appointment.
Raven: I came to get a picture of you in a drowsy state. But…your not acting like a drunken-
Andrew: (stumbles forward towards a vending machine) how can I ever repay you pretty angels? (kisses the vending machine) such a pretty, pretty looking angel!!!
Raven: …(takes out her phone) he is going to regret this tomorrow.
Chcicacora: *laughs* guess he's thinking you a snack Michael.
Michael: He's not talking about me.
Andrew: hmm. Such nice lushes golden hair.
Raven: You were saying?
Michael: That could be anyone.
Andrew: ooh!!! You replaced your white wings with snickers!!! …how? Are you made of chocolate!!!?!?! (looks at a piece of tech) Raven!!! Michael is made of chockies!!! (starts chewing on the vending machine)
Raven: well then…just so you and I are aware, I made you do nothing. This was all on your own accord.
Chicacora: Did you hear that, Michael? You're made of chocolate…or…(hides his smile) Chockies.
I won your mom...
Raven: I won your mom over with my incredible cooking.
Perilla: …how are you and my mother friends?
Raven: I friend your mother on instagram.
Let me just...
Perilla: you hurt me…but you know what hurts me even more? Your sweat pants and your bow on a plain white shirt…what the heck is wrong with you? You have a PHD in Fashion, but can't even fashion yourself up…you're like a single mom who…looks like an old tampon that people go to as a last minute resort on a period.
Raven: Oh my gosh!!! I am rubbing off on you!!! Finally!!!
Azule: I'm done with you people. I want to go home. And I want to for once take a swig of something sinful and out of pocket-
(That being said)
Raven: when you said sinful and out of Pocket…I was expecting you to take me to a bar and drink Vodka and beer. Not drag me to an açaí shop and eat healthy human food.
Azule: but this is out of pocket. Eating human food goes against Angelic nature-
Raven: And the sinful part?
Azule: eating an unhealthy amount?
Raven: (looks at the worker) please kill me, I'm not asking, I'm begging.
What you have Vs what I have?
Zadkiel: (zoning out)
Perilla: you good Zad?
Zadkiel: um…I went on a cook out with your friends.
Perilla: I don't have friends-
Zadkiel: I know, I'm just reminding you.
Perilla: I saw a picture of you and Raven in Raven's room.
Zadkiel: I don't have a picture of me and Raven in her room-
Perilla: I know. I'm just reminding you.
Kick depression in the face
Michael: curse you Depression!!! I hate you!!!
Chicacora: then go see a therapist about it, I hear they can solve 1% of your problems-
Michael: What happened to the 99%?
Chicacora: (turns to look him in the eye) oh honey, You're gonna need a miracle.
Michael: I Hate you-
Chicacora: doves don't fly at a young age and kids don't run till they're five. So what makes you think a therapist is like God?