Chapter 5: Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite
"I know we put it back in here," Alvin said, moving a few boxes aside. He, Simon, and Theodore were in the garage looking for their basketball. He moved an old mattress aside to look behind it in hopes of finding what they were looking for. No such luck.
"What are y'all doin' in here?" a voice asked.
All three Chipmunks turned to see Wayne staring at them from the garage door.
"We're looking for our basketball," Theodore said.
Wayne shook his head. "Y'all need to stay out of this garage. Y'all don't got no business bein' in this garage. What are you doin' lookin' for your basektball anyway?"
"We were going to play basketball," Simon said.
"You mean that basketball goal above the garage door?" Wayne asked.
"Yeah, why?" Alvin said.
"Y'all don't need to be doin' that. You're gonna end up tearin' somethin' up doin' that shit."
"Uh, no, we're not," Simon said.
"Yeah, you are," Wayne argued. "That goal is loose."
"No, it's not," Alvin said.
"Yeah, it is," Wayne said.
"No, it's not," Simon replied. "There is nothing wrong with that basketball goal!"
"Come 'ere and let me show y'all somethin'! I'm about fuckin' sick and tired of y'all arguin' with me!" He led them outside. He reached up above his head and shook the basketball goal that was above the garage door. 'You see how loose that is? You hit that in the wrong place, you know what's gonna happen?" He pointed to the car that was parked in front of the garage door. "It's gonna fall and bust that there windshield wide open!"
"So move the car," Alvin said in a mocking tone, prompting a chuckle from both Simon and Theodore. "Durr hurr hurr hurr!"
Wayne apparently didn't find this comment very funny because the next thing Alvin knew Wayne had gotten into his face, jabbing a finger in his chest as he yelled, "Boy, you had best shut your mouth and lose that fuckin' smartass attitude of yours, you understand me!? I'm about fuckin' fed up with it! I'm about ready to pop you one, son, if you keep on!"
Simon got in front of Alvin and got in Wayne's face. "Don't you talk to him like that and I mean it!"
"Simon, you shut your fuckin' mouth," Wayne hollered. "Y'all are gonna stop givin' me attitude and being a bunch of fuckin' smartasses, you understand me!? The next time one of you gets smart with me, I ain't gonna say nothin', I'm just gonna haul off and smack the fuckin' fire out of ya!"
Alvin sneered at Wayne from over Simon's shoulder. "Is that a threat!? Are you threatening me!?"
"Boy, I'm warnin' you," Wayne snapped. "I'm tellin' you now, you'd best shut your mouth! Say one more goddamn thing and I swear to fuckin' God, you're gonna find yourself picking up your teeth from up off the floor if you don't quit it!"
Alvin smirked and crossed his arms. "Oh, really now? I'd like to see you try."
Wayne reared back his hand, but Dave came to their rescue. He grabbed Wayne's wrist and, through gritted teeth, growled, "You'd best leave my kids alone and I mean now! Don't you have to be in Burkesville getting a car or something?"
Wayne shook his head. "These kids ain't gonna get smart with me! You might be okay with it, but I ain't gonna fuckin' put up with it!"
"Shut up and get out of my sight," Dave snapped. He steered the Chipmunks towards the house and ushered them inside. "You guys need to quit antagonizing him."
"We didn't do anything," Simon told him. "He was the one who started it."
"I know," Dave said. "He's always starting something. But from now on, don't let him get a rise out of you. What was he getting onto you about anyway?"
"He was throwing a fit because we were in the garage trying to find our basketball," Theodore said. "He told us that he didn't want us in there and to stay out."
"Uh, well, first and foremost, this isn't Wayne's house, he doesn't make the rules," Dave said.
"Oh, no, but he sure likes to act like he does," Simon said.
"Oh, I know," Dave said. "Second of all, he is not your daddy! I am your daddy! He has no right bossing you guys around, telling you guys what to do. From now on, just ignore him, just act like he's not even there."
"That's easier said than done, Dave," Alvin said.
"I know, Alvin," Dave said, "but I'll tell you this right now. If he doesn't stop and he keeps going on like he has been, he won't be here much longer. I guarantee you that."
Simon suddenly broke out into a huge grin. "Well, if nothing else, we at least have something to look forward to this weekend."
"What's that?"
"The fourth season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic premieres this Saturday."
All three Chipmunks broke out in big grins.
It was quite a scorcher on the Friday before Saturday, so hot in fact that Alvin felt the need to keep the bedroom window open while he busied himself with working on homework. He jumped and dropped his pencil when he heard Wayne shout from outside.
"Alvin! Close that window!"
Picking up his pencil, Alvin rolled his eyes and continued to work on his math homework. About fifteen minutes, he heard Wayne's voice again, once more from outside.
"Alvin! I said to shut that window!"
Another fifteen minutes went by.
"Alvin! For the last time, shut that window!"
Alvin slammed his hands down on his desk, leaned over his desk and out the window and shouted, "Wayne, shut up! I'm not closing the freaking window!"
"I'm comin' after you, boy!"
Fuming, Alvin slammed himself back in his seat and continued to work on his math homework. A few seconds later, he heard the front door bang against the wall, followed quickly by Wayne stomping up the stairs and kicking the door to his bedroom open. He felt Wayne grab him by the shoulder, spin him around, and found Wayne's sneering face looking at him.
"Shut the goddamn window!"
Alvin sneered at him. "Watch your mouth."
"Boy, I'm tellin' you now, I ain't in no fuckin' mood today for your smartass mouth! Now, you'd best shut that window before I get upset!"
"Wayne, shut up."
"Shut that goddamn window!"
Alvin didn't move.
"Boy, you'd best shut that goddamn window or I swear to God I'm gonna knock you plum across this room! Now I ain't playin'!"
Alvin grabbed his aluminum baseball bat, stood up, and posed as if getting ready to hit a baseball. "Do it! Come on, hit me, I dare you to! It'll be the last mistake you ever make in this lifetime, boy, I can guarantee you that! See if I don't lay you out!"
Wayne wasn't the least bit intimidated. He jabbed a finger at Alvin and hollered, "Boy, I ain't kiddin'! You'd best shut that window or you're gonna find your ass down in the floor, I'm telling you! Now I said to shut that fuckin' window and that's what I mean!"
Rolling his eyes, Alvin set the bat down and turned around.
"And do it without getting' a fuckin' attitude!" Wayne bellowed.
Alvin slammed the window shut and turned to Wayne. "There! It's shut! Now shut up about it!" Turning around and sitting down, he resumed doing his homework.
Wayne turned to walk out of the room, but suddenly stopped when he noticed a couple of holes in the wall. "What happened to this wall?"
Sighing in annoyance, Alvin set his pencil down and turned around in his seat to see what Wayne was talking about. "What wall?"
"This one right here," Wayne said, pointing. "Where did all these holes come from?" He looked over at Alvin. "Has your brother been getting' mad and throwin' shit in here?"
Alvin gave the man a puzzled look. "No."
"Then where did these holes come from?"
"I don't know, Wayne, as far as anybody knows, those holes have been there since the day we moved in."
"No, they weren't, neither. They sure as shit wa'n't here a coupla weeks ago. Have you been gettin' mad and punchin' holes in the wall?"
"No."
"Then where did the holes come from?"
"I don't know!"
Alvin suddenly found himself being thrown forward against his desk as Wayne shoved him and shouted, "Don't get smart with me! Now I don't know who tore up these walls, but whoever it was is gonna pay to have 'em fixed. You understand that, Alvin?"
Alvin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Wayne stomped out of the room.
"Dave, did you know that these kids have been punchin' holes in the wall?" Wayne asked at dinner that night.
"What, you mean those holes in the boys' bedroom?" Dave asked.
"Mm-hmm," Wayne said, nodding his head.
"Wayne, those have been there since the day we moved in," Dave explained.
"What did I tell you?" Alvin said with a smirk.
"Boy, I've about fuckin' had it with that fuckin' smart mouth of yours," Wayne snapped, jabbing a knife in Alvin's direction. "You had best lose the fuckin' attitude and I mean now!"
"Hey!" Dave yelled. "What have I told you about cussing at my kids!?"
"Well, I'm about fuckin' fed up these kids," Wayne said. "They're gonna start mindin' and listenin' to me! That's just like today!" He pointed at Alvin. "I told him three times – three fuckin' times – to shut that fuckin' window, and he wouldn't do it!" He looked at Alvin. "You didn't have no business havin' that window open!"
"What was wrong with the window being open?" Dave asked.
"Dave! Use some fuckin' common sense! He opens that window, you know what's gonna happen? It's gonna attract bugs and it's gonna raise the electric bill."
"Uh, no, it's not," Dave said.
"Yeah, it is," Wayne said, nodding his head.
"Not if your windows are double-paneled, it's not!"
"Well, he still don't need to have that window open. The last thing we need is a bug infestation."
The Chipmunks woke up early at five AM on the following Saturday morning. Still in their pajamas, they walked downstairs to the kitchen and fixed themselves some breakfast. With bowls of cereal and glasses of orange juice and milk, they made their way to the living room. Simon grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, rapidly flipping through the channels before he settled on the Hub, then he sat down in front of the TV and began eating his cereal with his brothers. From behind them, they heard a groan, and they all turned to see that they'd woken Wayne up. They'd completely forgotten that he was in the room.
"Goddamn it," he grumbled. "What the fuckin' hell are y'all doin' up at this hour?"
Simon pointed to the TV. "Watching TV."
"Get your asses back in the bed. Y'all don't got no business bein' up this early."
Theodore leaned towards Simon's ear and whispered, "You have a TV in your basement, right? Would it be better if we just watched TV in there?"
Simon nodded his head, flipped off the TV, and stood up, leading his brothers down to the basement where they resumed watching TV.
"Oh, wow," Theodore said as they emerged from the basement six hours later. "If the rest of the season is as good as this premiere, we're looking at one of the best seasons of this show to date."
"You know it," Alvin said. "So when do you want to do the podcast?"
"Tonight," Simon replied.
The Chipmunks were a bit nervous that night as it would be the first time that Miss Miller and Chipettes were meeting Wayne. While Eleanor and Theodore helped Dave and Miss Miller with cooking dinner, Brittany and Jeanette sat with Alvin and Simon in the living room. Wayne was busy watching a basketball game while Simon and Jeanette worked on schoolwork. Brittany and Alvin were doing their best to tune Wayne out as he screamed and cussed at the television whenever someone on his favorite college basketball team – Georgia – made a mistake. Needless to say, all parties were grateful when dinner was announced.
At dinner, Wayne looked up at the Chipmunks and said, "So when the fuck are you guys going to get a job?"
"Uh, we have jobs," Simon said. "We're writers."
"No, I mean a real job," Wayne said.
"I didn't know you guys did anything creative outside of music," Eleanor said.
"What do you write about, Simon?" Jeanette asked.
Simon opened his mouth to reply, but Wayne spoke up before he had a chance to say anything.
"He writes stupid shit!"
"Wayne, really!"" Dave shouted.
"Well, it's the truth," Wayne said. He pointed to the living room. "He was in there today writin' some fuckin' stupid gay ass pony shit or somethin'!" He looked over at Simon. "When are you gonna grow up? What the fuck hell are you doin' watchin' some stupid cartoon for five year old girls?"
"I need to grow up!?" Simon asked with a sneer.
"Big talk comin' from the man acting like such a little bitch," Eleanor said.
"Yeah, do you just invite shit to bitch about or what?" Brittany asked. "You haven't shut up since we got here and all you've done is bitch and moan."
"That's all he ever does," Dave spoke up. He looked over at Wayne. "No wonder Shelly divorced you. I'd divorce you too."
"Oh, you guys know Shelly?" Brittany asked.
"Yeah," Alvin said. "How do you guys know her?"
"Her daughters are on our cheerleading team," Eleanor replied. "We have a competition next weekend, you guys should come with."
"Eleanor," Wayne spoke up. "We ain't got the money to go to no fuckin' stupid cheerleadin' competition."
"Well, you know, maybe we would if you would get up off your lazy butt and do some work," Simon said. "But, since you don't want to get up off your hind end and do any work, we don't have any money."
"What the fuck are you talkin' about? I do work, boy!"
"Not for the past three weeks, you haven't!" Simon snapped. "Clifton has called me over forty-five times over the past three weeks wondering why you haven't been getting cars for him!" He raised his hand above his head. "I have a stack of orders from Clifton literally this high!"
"So, wait a minute," Miss Miller asked. She pointed at Wayne. "If you're not working, then who pays the bills around here?"
"I do," Wayne bellowed, "while these kids sit around doin' nothin'!"
"Uh, excuse me?" Simon inquired. "First and foremost, the only bill you pay is the rent and that's it! Dave pays for everything else! Second of all, I don't sit around doing anything! I bust my tail off!"
"Uh-huh," Wayne said in a disbelieving tone.
"No, my schedule goes as follows," Simon said. "I get up at five-thirty. I get up, shower, get dressed, get all my stuff for school, wake Alvin and Theodore up, make sure they're all ready for school, then we go to school. I'm there until lunchtime. I leave the school, take the bus to the college, and I'm there until at least eight o' clock at night on most nights." He pointed at Dave. "He comes and picks me up, I come home, eat dinner, then I'm busy doing homework and writing papers until at least three-thirty or four o' clock in the morning. I get at most an hour and a half of sleep per night. I'm lucky if I get two. And that's not including the fact that I'm working two jobs on top of running a repo business and chores." He turned to look at Wayne. "So don't you sit there and run me down and tell everyone that I sit around the house all day doing nothing, because I do plenty. You think my life is so easy, I'd like to see you try it, big boy!" He stuffed a piece of meatloaf in his mouth and chewed.
"Sounds to me like you're the one sitting around all day not doing nothing," Brittany said.
"Oh, no," Alvin said. He pointed at the living room. "He lays on that couch all day everyday, refuses to get up and do any work, and then he wants to sit there and wonder why he never has any money."
"Alvin!" Wayne said. "I got a heart condition! I can't be out there workin' with my heart the way it is!"
"Now why don't I believe that?" Alvin asked with a smirk.
"Simon, you may do plenty, but your brothers don't do shit around here," Wayne said. "When y'all get done with a dish or a glass or something, don't just put it in the sink. Wash it."
"Uh, excuse me," Eleanor said. "Okay, first of all, excuse my language, but if you're not going to get up off your ass and help out, shut the fuck up!"
"Whoo! Yes!" Alvin reached across the table for a high-five and Eleanor accepted it with a hearty slap.
Wayne sneered at her. "Girl, I don't know who the fuck you think you are but ––"
"My name is Eleanor Miller, bitch, what's yours?" Eleanor said, interrupting Wayne.
"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, girl, but you ain't gonna come in here and talk to me like that, you understand me?" Wayne said, jabbing a fork at Eleanor. "You're gonna show me some respect."
"Respect has to be earned," Brittany said. "So far you haven't done anything to earn our respect."
"You're right about that," Alvin said nodding his head.
"No, she ain't," Wayne said, shaking his head. "That ain't how respect works."
"Mm-hmm," Simon said, shaking his head as he took a sip of his drink.
"As soon as y'all get done eatin', I need one of y'all to get started on these dishes," Wayne said.
"I have a better idea," Dave said. "Why don't you do them?"
"I agree," Alvin said.
"Hey, do you guys have any coffee?" Miss Miller asked.
"Sure," Dave said. "Alvin, would you mind making her some?"
"No, no, no," Wayne said, shaking his head. "Alvin don't need to be makin' no coffee."
"Wayne, shut up," Alvin said, getting up.
"You tear that thing up, boy, I don't wanna hear nothin'," Wayne said.
After dinner, the Chipmunks, Chipettes, Dave, and Miss Miller went outside to the front porch. Miss Miller lit a cigarette while the boys and the Chipettes stood around drinking their drinks.
"You need to get rid of him, Dave," Brittany said, "and I mean now!"
"Oh, I know," Dave said. "I've just about had with him. He's about ready to find himself packing his bags, I'm telling you."
"No, I mean you need to get rid of him right now," Brittany said. "I don't know what it is about him, but I just get a really bad vibe from him. There is something not right about that man."
"You too?" Eleanor asked, looking at her sister. "I thought it was just me."
"No, it's not just you," Simon said. "The first time I met him, I told Dave, I said, I have a really bad feeling about him."
"Mm-hmm," Dave said, nodding his head.
"If you don't something, Dave," Miss Miller said, blowing out some smoke. "I sure will." She took another drag on her cigarette.
"Trust me, she will," Brittany said. "Miss Miller doesn't play around."
"No, I don't," Miss Miller said, taking another drag.
The following Friday, the Chipmunks got home early to pack their thingss for the cheerleading competition. Unfortunately for Simon, he would have to wait to pack his things due to being busy with school. He wouldn't be home until at least nine.
"I don't get why Simon's goin'," Wayne said. "The only reason he's goin' is so he can get on that damn Internet."
"Uh, no, he's not," Dave snapped. "He's going to support the girls!"
"Uh-huh," Wayne said in a disbelieving tone.
"Wayne, since I'm going to be busy cooking dinner and getting my things ready, do you think you could go pick up Simon for me?" Dave asked.
"I guess," Wayne replied. "I gotta meet up with Clifton anyway."
"Thank you."
"And done," Simon said happily as he put the last period on his essay. "And print." He clicked on "print" and walked over to the printer and waited patiently for his essay to be printed out. While doing so, his phone vibrated. He pulled out his phone and discovered that he'd gotten an email from his professor.
Simon,
Just got your email. I will be in my office grading papers until 8:45. I will be leaving to go home around then. Please bring me your paper before then. I will not be able to grade it until Monday if you're late.
Signed,
Professor Guttenburg
Simon frowned. He had no idea where Professor Guttenburg's office was. He stuffed his phone in his pocket, grabbed his backpack, snatched up his paper from the printer, and sprinted out of the computer lab. Turning on his heel, he ran down the hallway, turning his head left and right, scanning the names on the doors that he passed. As he turned the corner, he spotted another professor exiting their office. "Excuse me!" he called, and was thankful when the professor stopped and turned towards him. "I'm looking for Professor Guttenburg's office. Do you know where it is?"
"Down the hall and to the left," the professor told him, pointing down the hall to Simon's left.
Simon gave the professor a grateful smile. "Thank you." He turned and walked down the hall. To his relief, Professor Guttenburg's office was to his right. He lifted his hand to knock. While he waited for a response, he pulled out his phone to check the time. It was 8:35. He still had another paper that he had to turn in for his English professor, and the English department was clear on the other side of the campus.
"Yes?" Professor Guttenburg's voice called from the other side of the door.
Simon entered and turned in his paper. Upon exiting, he started making his way towards the exit. There was no way that he would be able to get to the English department on foot in time, at least not before the professor left for the evening. He would need to ask Dave to drive him there. Unfortunately, it wasn't Dave who was waiting for him when he got outside. With a groan, he realized that it was Wayne waiting for him.
"Where in the hell have you been, boy?" Wayne asked as he got in. "I've been waitin' on you for over half an hour!"
"I had to turn in a paper," Simon said, buckling his seat belt.
"Well, I'm gonna stop comin' and getting' your ass if you can't be out here on time." He pulled away from the curb.
"Would you mind driving me to the English department:? I have a paper to turn in."
"You're gonna have to do that some other time. We ain't got time for that shit. Didn't you just turn in a paper?"
"That was for my music history class. Please, Wayne, it's important."
"Well, we ain't got time for that shit. You're gonna have to do that some other time. It ain't gonna kill you to wait."
Simon sighed and looked out the window.
Simon slammed the door as he entered the Seville household. Wayne soon followed afterward, grabbing Simon's arm and jerking him back. "Boy! You'd best lose the fuckin' attitude and I mean now! There ain't no sense in you actin' like that!"
"What's going on now?" Dave asked, walking in the room from the ktichen.
"He's getting' an attitude with me," Wayne told him, pointing at Simon.
"Simon?" Dave asked, raising an eyebrow.
Simon wrenched his arm out of Wayne's grasp. "All I did was ask him if he could drive me to the English department so I could turn in a paper." He shook his head. "He wouldn't do it."
"I told him we didn't have time for that shit," Wayne added. "It ain't gonna hurt nothin' for him to wait to turn it in on Monday."
"Wayne, do you not realize that that paper is worth thirty percent of my grade?" Simon asked.
"Simon!" Wayne cried. "It ain't gonna hurt nothin' for you to wait 'til Monday to turn it in! You can wait!"
"Can you not turn it in some other way?" Dave asked. "What about email?"
"I suppose I could try to turn it in via email," Simon said.
"Well, in the meantime, are you hungry?" Dave asked, nodding towards the kitchen. "Would you like to eat something before we go?"
Simon shook his head. "No, thanks. I need to pack my stuff."
"Well, hurry up, we're leaving in fifteen minutes," Dave said.
Simon dashed upstairs and grabbed his suitcase from the closet. Alvin and Theodore already had their things packed. Their suitcases were resting on their beds. Alvin was lying down on his stomach reading a comic book while Theodore was sitting at the desk drawing a picture. Simon hastily grabbed a few sets of clothes and stuffed them into his suitcase. He grabbed his laptop and put it in his satchel before putting the shoulder strap on. Grabbing his suitcase, he walked downstairs where Dave was waiting for him.
"Guys, come on, let's go," Dave called up the stairs.
Seconds later, Alvin and Theodore walked downstairs with their own suitcases. After loading them up into the car, Dave and the boys drove off without bothering to say goodbye to Wayne. Shortly after leaving the house, Dave got a call from Shelly. "Hello?"
"Hey, uh, have you guys left yet?" Shelly asked.
"Just leaving the house now," Dave told her. "Why?"
"Okay. Well, uh, do you want to meet up somewhere, maybe get a bite to eat, or . . . what?"
"We ate a few hours ago, so we're not real hungry. Simon, on the other hand, hasn't eaten anything yet. We had to leave right about as soon as he got home."
"Well, would he like to stop somewhere and get something to eat?"
"I don't know. Simon?"
Simon looked up from his laptop. "Yeah, Dave?"
"Do you want to stop somewhere and get something to eat?"
"That's up to you."
"No, it's up to you. Are you hungry? Do you want to stop somewhere so we can get you something to eat?"
"I guess so."
"Shelly, where are you guys headed?"
"Freddy's is just up here off Birchum Road," Shelly replied. "We can all meet up there."
"Sounds good to me. So, who's all going?"
"Well, it'll be me, my brother, all of his kids, all of my kids, his ex-wife, Cilicia, Haley, and Andrea."
"And then we've got me, all of my kids, Miss Miller, and all of her kids, too."
"So that's twenty-one people altogether."
"Yeah, that sounds about right. So I guess we're all meeting up at Freddy's?"
"I guess so."
"Okay, I'll see you there."
"See you."
Freddy's was packed to the brim with people, not including Dave, Miss Miller, the Chipettes, the Chipmunks, Heather, and Shelly and everyone in her group. Her group consisted of her brother, who was named Allen, Allen's wife Kim, their kids, and Shelly's kids. Allen had three kids: two boys and one girl. The two boys, named Chris and James, were two blond-haired kids with gray eyes. The girl, named Linda, was dark-haired with brown eyes. Allen himself was a fairly tall man with black hair, a black goatee, and brown eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. His wife Kim was a very heavyset brunette woman. As for Shelly's kids, they consisted of two girls and one boy: Ariella, Isabelle, and Brandon. All of them had brown hair. Brandon had a pair of brown eyes and, like Allen, wore glasses. Cilicia was bound in a wheelchair. She was a blond-haired woman with gray eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. Her daughter, Haley, had brown hair was blond highlights. She sat beside Andrea, a tall white girl with dark brown hair.
"You guys sure you don't want anything?" Kim asked Dave, Alvin, and Theodore.
"We can get you something if you want it," Shelly said. "Really, it's no trouble at all."
"No, thank you, we're fine," Dave said.
"Well, do you at least want something to drink?" Kim asked.
"Yeah, sure," Dave said.
After the group had completed their order, which took far too long for anyone's liking, they began making small talk.
"So, Wayne is livin' with y'all now?" Cilcia asked.
"Mm-hmm," Dave said, nodding his head. "I assume you know him too?"
"Yeah, buddy," Kim replied with a chortle. "Believe you me, we know Wayne Watkins very well."
"How do you feel about him?" Alvin asked.
"I, uh, don't particularly care for Wayne, to say the least," Allen told him.
"Yeah, same here," Haley agreed.
"Mm-hmm," Andrea said, nodding her head.
"Yeah, Wayne's fixing to start not liking me," Simon spoke up.
"Why's that?" Heather asked as their drinks arrived.
"Because I'm about ready to call it quits on this repo business if he doesn't start getting up and doing any work," Simon told him, taking his drink as she handed it to him.
"He won't do it," Shelly said. "I told you he wouldn't, he's lazy."
"Oh, I know he is," Simon replied. He turned to Ariella and Isabelle. "And he's your daddy, correct?"
"Well, technically speaking, he is Boo's," Shelly explained. "He is Allie's biological father."
"So another man gave you Isabelle," Theodore said.
"Right, but the less we speak of Jeremiah, the better," Shelly said.
"Yeah, I didn't really care for Jeremiah, either," Allen spoke up.
"What was Jeremiah like?" Brittany asked.
"He was an asshole, plain and simple," Heather told her, prompting a round of laughter from the group. "Well, he was!"
"Yeah, she ain't lyin'," Shelly said. "No, uh, Allie and Boo will tell you straight out that they want nothing to do with their daddy. After all of the crap he's pulled, they want nothing to do with him."
"Having lived with him for the past month, I can see why," Simon said.
"All he does is bitch and moan," Alvin said.
"Oh, I know," Shelly said, nodding her head. "I told him once that he could outbitch any woman I know."
"You're not wrong about that," Theodore said.
"You guys sure you don't mind us tagging along?" Alvin asked uncertainly. "I don't feel right having you pay for everything."
"Oh, honey, it's no trouble," Shelly reassured him."No trouble whatsoever."
"Personally speaking, I'm glad you guys are tagging along," Heather said. "Maybe you guys can help maintain the chaos and keep these little ones in check."
"Mm, I think you're barking up the wrong tree there, Heather," Miss Miller said.
Heather nodded her head in agreement. "Probably. But, seriously, we don't mind you coming with us."
"No, not at all," Allen added.
After driving for several hours, the group finally arrived at their motel. Allen and Shelly signed in, after which they approached the elevator to go up to their floor. Theodore turned to see Shelly heading toawrds the stairs. "Shelly! Aren't you going to use the elevator? It's faster."
"Mm-mm," Shelly said, shaking her head. "I don't do elevators, not since I got stuck on one. I'll meet you guys upstairs."
"Alright, suit yourself," Alvin muttered.
Given the large group, more than one elevator had to be used so that all of them could get up to the room at the same time. Upon exiting, they walked down the hall until they spotted their rooms. Allen and Shelly were sharing a room with Allen's kids while Heather was sharing a room with Shelly's kids. Cilicia, Haley, and Andrea were all sharing a room as well. Both Dave and Miss Miller opted to have separate rooms rather than share one. While they were unpacking their stuff, Dave got a call from Allen. "Hello?"
"So, uh, what do y'all want to do for lunch?" Allen asked. "We've got a few hours until the girls need to get ready for the competition. What sounds good?"
In the background, Dave heard Shelly say, "We could just do pizza."
"Is pizza okay with you guys?" Allen asked.
"Yeah, sounds good to me," Dave said.
Before the Chipmunks knew it, they were back home far more quickly than they would've liked. Upon pulling onto their street, they had a nasty surprise waiting for them.
"Really, Wayne!?" Dave shouted.
"What? What's wrong?" Simon asked, looking past Dave's seat and out the windshield to get a good look at what the problem was.
"I want you to look!" Dave cried, pointing. "Look!" There were several cars and trucks parked in the driveway of the Seville house. "I can't even get in my own freaking driveway because all of Wayne's crap in the way!" He grabbed his phone and dialed Miss Miller. "Hey, Miss Miller? Listen, I hate to ask, but can I park my car in your driveway? I would park in mine, but all of Wayne's junk is in the way."
"Oh, sure, Dave, that's fine," Miss Miller replied.
"Are you sure?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, it's no trouble at all."
"Okay. Well, thank you."
After dropping Dave's car off at the Miller's, Dave and the boys walked back to their house. Upon walking inside, they found Wayne sitting at the kitchen table talking to a scruffy bald man with a goatee.
"So, uh, Wayne, answer me one question," Dave said, walking in the kitchen. "Is the car lot at Clifton's filled up or something?"
"No," Wayne said, shaking his head. "Why do you ask?"
"Okay, so if the car lot at Clifton's isn't filled up, why do you have twenty cars in my driveway?"
"Couldn't put 'em in Clifton's 'cause Joey" – he nodded towards the man sitting across from him – "is supposed to be bringin' him some cars here pretty soon."
"Uh-huh," Dave said. "So how exactly am I supposed to get to work?"
"What do you mean?" Wayne asked.
"I had to park my car over at Miss Miller's because I couldn't get in my driveway."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you, but you're gonna have to figure out somethin'."
"Okay, Wayne, don't bother to help out or anything!" Dave yelled. "Just sit there!" He turned to walk out of the room, but was suddenly stopped as Alvin came storming in.
"What did you do to my car!?" he shouted.
"What the fuck are you talkin' about, boy!?" Wayne asked. "I didn't do a goddamn thing to your car!"
"You have to of! That car was working perfectly fine on Friday, now it won't run," Alvin said.
"What do you mean it won't run?" Dave asked.
"Come 'ere, I'll show you," Alvin said, gesturing for them to follow him. He led them outside to his car. Upon turning the keys in the ignition, a horrible rattling sound started coming from the car. "You hear that? It shouldn't be making that nosie."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Alvin," Wayne said, shaking his head. "You're gonna have to take it and get it fixed or something."
"I've got a better idea," Alvin said, getting out of his car and slamming the door. "Since you were the one who tore it up, you can be the one to fix it!"
"I didn't do a fuckin' thing to your car!"
"Yeah, sure you didn't." Alvin stormed past Wayne and back into the house. As he entered the Chipmunks' bedroom, he found Simon talking on the phone.
"Jeanette, I'm telling you, check your luggage, and I mean thoroughly check it," Simon was saying. "Because I found some bed bugs in my luggage. You might want to check yours just in case, and have Brittany, Eleanor, and Miss Miller check theirs as well. I'm going to check Alvin's, Dave's, and Theodore's as soon sa I get off here. Okay, thank you. Bye." He set his phone down after hanging up and turned to Alvin. "Check your luggage for bed bugs."
"Bed bugs?" Alvin asked, unzipping his suitcase and beginning to go through it.
"Yeah." Simon began going through Theodore's suitcase. "The hotel was infested with them, so we're going to have to thoroughly go through all of our luggage and check for bed bugs."
Alvin sighed. "Great."
While Alvin's car was on the fritz, his busted up car was soon the farthest thing from his mind. It turned out that there were quite a few bed bugs in not only his luggage, but also Dave's and Simon's as well. Rather than call an exterminator to come take care of the pests, Wayne's solution to the bed bug infestation was to simply spray everything down with rubbing alcohol.
"Wayne, that's not going to do anything," Simon told him.
"Yes, it will too," Wayne replied. "It'll get rid of them bugs."
Simon rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"You need to come in here," Wayne said, beginning to spray down Simon's bed, "and spray down everything in here at least twice a day. Make sure you get everything and I do mean everything."
"I'm telling you," Simon said, "we should call an exterminator."
"Simon! We ain't got no fuckin' money for an exterminator!"
Simon smirked. "And whose fault is that, Wayne?"
Wayne shook his head. "Well, it sure as shit ain't mine. Maybe if you would quit spendin' all your money on stupid shit, we would have some money."
Simon sighed and pinched his nose while he let out a groan.
Later, when Simon was going to the bathroom, he was interrupted by Wayne.
"Simon," Wayne called. "I got a bone to pick with you, boy. Why did you tell Miss Miller that we had bed bugs? That's why don't nobody tell you nothin', because you wanna sit there and run your fuckin' mouth. Keep your mouth shut. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Simon muttered.
"That wa'n't none of her business," Wayne went on. "You had no business tellin' her that."
"Uh, first and foremost, what I tell Miss Miller is none of your business," Simon snapped. "Second of all, considering the fact that we were in the same hotel, I'd say I had every right to tell her that we had bed bugs."
"Well, from now on, keep your mouth shut."
After several weeks of putting up with the bed bug and following Wayne's instructions, which proved fruitless, Simon called Shelly, Allen, Cilicia, and Heather and confirmed that they had bed bugs too, but they were dealing with it far better than the Sevilles were. They had all called an exterminator and had gotten their houses sprayed, ridding themselves of the bed bug infestation. They had all gotten the same one. Miss Miller spoke highly of the company as well. This clinched Simon's decision. He hung up after talking to Miss Miller.
"Simon," Wayne said, walking in the kitchen, "you need to quit walkin' around. You're spreadin' them bugs all through the house." When he received no response from Simon, he added, "What are you doin'?"
"Well, since you don't want to do anything to solve the problem, I guess I'll have to, like always," Simon replied. "Yes, hi, listen, I have a very serious bed bug infestation. I was wondering how much it would cost to have you come out here and get rid of them for me. Okay, so first you'll come out and do an inspection? Okay, and how much is that? Three hundred? And how much to get rid of them? Three hundred? Sounds good to me. Thank you." He hung up and gave Wayne a smirk. "Problem solved."
"I don't know what you're smilin' about," Wayne said. "I ain't got no fuckin' six hundred dollars."
"You may not, but I do."
"What!? We're strugglin' to pay the bills around here and you got money!?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Boy, I oughta knock the fuckin' shit outta you! You got money we could be usin' to pay the bills and instead you're makin' your daddy pay for everything?!"
"Uh, excuse me!? First and foremost, what I do with my money is none of your business! Second of all, Dave knows about it and he doesn't care what I spend my money on!"
"Well, he should. I think it's about time your daddy handled your finances for you."
"Why?"
"'Cause you're wastin' your money on stupid shit! You need to be takin' that money and usin' it to help us pay some bills around here!"
"Really? I seem to call that being the whole reason why we agreed to let you live here, because you were supposed to help us with bills. And to be honest, I'm about fed up with having to do all of this crap by myself."
"Simon!" Wayne shouted in his ear. "You don't do shit!"
Simon snorted in amusement. "Yeah, sure I don't."
"You don't! What do you do around here besides sleep all goddamn day?"
"Uh, what are you talking about? I'm gone all day! You, on the other hand, don't do anything except sleep on that couch! If you would get up off your hind end and do some work, you might actually have some money!"
"I do work!"
Simon shook his head. "No, you don't!"
"I do work! Actual work! Not writin' stupid shit all fuckin' day!"
"Mm-hmm . . . Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to check my email." He hopped down from his chair and exited the room.
As promised, the exterminator came and took care of the bed bugs for Sevilles. It was just a good thing that the Sevilles were out of the house all day. Even Wayne managed to get out of the house for a while to run a repo job for Clifton. When the Sevilles got home in the afternoon, they found their house completely bug-free, much to Simon's satisfaction.
A/N: Remember, folks. If you spend your days writing fanfiction, according to Wayne, you're "writin' stupid shit!"