Chapter Fifty Two: Scars that Remain

I stood out on the balcony and smoked my pipe, looking out across the snow covered landscape. I spent a lot of time out on that balcony when I had time for it. I needed to ground myself, remind myself that I was still connected to the land even though I was tucked away inside a mountain. I tried to spend as much time as I could appreciating how beautiful the landscape was, and it simply was breathtaking when I could focus on the mountains and the frozen lake. But my mind would usually wander to darker times, finding memories I couldn't shake in the shadows of the land. I wanted to move past those memories so badly, so I tried to stay out there as long as I could.

I attempted to relax my shoulders as I stared at Ravenhill, but the flashes of blood and ice made it impossible. I didn't start to feel cold until then. I rubbed my hand over my throat, trying to make the feeling of Azog's grip go away.

"I was horrible to everyone, especially you. I hope you know that I never truly believed the words I said…you've never been a criminal in my eyes, and I've never judged you based on your birth and how your family sent you into the world. You are worth so much more than that, more than some silly stone…"

I shakily blew smoke into the wind.

"And you still stood by my side, to try and help me see the light. Even after a journey full of perils and the person I was turning into, you still stood with me."

"Find your place in the world Lydia. Find where you can grow your lavender and hunt and live off the land. Exist in a world where you don't need things like gold or treasure. Know you were loved by your silly king but then find where you belong…"

Warm arms wrapped around me and the feeling of his warm breath on my ear while he kissed my neck made all the tension leave my body. I sighed and leaned back into him, closing my eyes for a few moments. I felt like I could breathe again.

"What are you doing out here, Amralime?" Thorin asked.

I hugged his arms, trying to shake the deep sadness inside my bones. "Reliving the past…" I opened my eyes again and looked back to the frozen waterfall. "I need to ask you something, Thorin. Something not pleasant."

"I am not afraid of your questions anymore, Lydia," he chuckled, tucking his face into my hair. "Ask away."

I inhaled more from my pipe and blew it out. "It's going to sound like I'm begging for you to say something sweet to me but that's not my intention, I swear." I set down my pipe on the ledge of the balcony and was relieved my back was to him so I didn't need to ask him to his face. "I still don't understand why in the world you sacrificed yourself to Azog so I could live. How could you possibly choose…me?"

"Lydia, of course I would save you in that situation. And I would do it no differently if it happened again."

"I understand that we love each other, but that decision affected more than just us. You had a family and a kingdom who were depending on you."

"I selfishly saved your life then. How could I possibly watch Azog kill you when there was something I could do about it?" He leaned back and turned me around so I had to face him, which was the last thing I wanted. As soon as I saw his blue eyes it was over for my resolve. "What is bringing all this on? Tell me."

I lowered my eyes and shook my head. "I'm sorry, this was silly to bring up. Should we head inside?"

"What's going on, Lydia?" he asked sternly, not letting me move from that spot. "Did something happen during the planning today?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm serious, we can move past this conversation. I regret even bringing it up."

He gave me a look and said, "If something is bothering you, I need to know what it is. I ask again, what brought this on?"

"It's…just as I said. I was just out here and memories just…" I pointed out to the frozen waterfall and I sighed, trying to keep myself from crying. "Even though you're here now and we're together again, it doesn't change the fact that you died that day. I still saw you get violently impaled through the chest and you died in my arms. I felt responsible that you chose me to live, I literally had your blood on my hands. It was the worst day of my life…"

"Amralime-"

I interrupted him, not wanting to lose my conviction. "I thought the memory would fade over time but it hasn't. So, I can't help but wonder what could have been different that day when I know it in my bones it should have been different."

He tucked his hand along my cheek, his expression softened and almost looked like he was in pain. "I have lived that day over and over again as well. I remember that day as the day I betrayed you and insulted you and made the biggest blunders of my career as king. But, because I sacrificed myself, I redeemed what little I could to be worth something as a man again after I had seemingly lost everything important to me." I stared at him, trying to understand while I saw that event through his eyes. "During those moments Lydia, and still now, you are more important to me than all of Erebor. That and that alone is the reason I did what I did on that day."

I shook my head, even more confused. "Thorin, now I know you are embellishing for the sake of my feelings, which I do not appreciate. We traveled all across this continent through all kinds of perils, fought a dragon, and went through a war all to have you return here."

"And I would do it all again a million times but still give it all up at the end of the day, and I mean that truly."

"You do not mean your words. You can't." I turned to go inside out of the cold but he took my hand.

"Lydia, I would not belittle your feelings with lies. You know that." He put his hand into my hair and ran his fingers over my beaded braid. "In my…in my final moments of that battle, while I was looking up at you, I imagined what my life would have looked like with you by my side. At first it was here in Erebor, but that quickly faded to us existing only together in a small cottage surrounded by trees and flowers. It was…perfect."

"I don't understand, Erebor has always been your dream."

"At that moment I didn't care, but when I woke up and had to recover I saw how well Erebor could exist without me which only solidified my feelings. So, I say again, I would do what I did to save you again and again."

I realized tears were streaming down my face. He wiped them away and held me close. "You would truly be content if we were the only two people in our world? Without your family and friends and people?"

"They enrich our lives but do not make our lives. Do you not feel the same? That we could exist entirely on our own?"

"Of course I do! I just…can't…"

"Can't believe that the person you love loves you so deeply? I owe you that at the very least." I stared at him for a few moments before putting my arms around him and hugging him for warmth. "I love you, Lydia."

"I love you too. Beyond words." I tilted my head and looked back to Ravenhill. "It already doesn't seem to have the same power over me as it did before…"

He looked off in the direction I was looking and realized what I meant. He turned his gaze back down to me and offered, "How about we have our dinner brought here as well as have a bottle of something be sent up?"

"That sounds incredible. I can't imagine facing our family after this, I'm exhausted." I shivered and led us both out of the cold. "I apologize for being so emotional."

Thorin closed the door to the balcony behind us and chuckled, "I would not make you feel bad for having bad memories from the day that I died. I would be offended if you didn't. So, no reason to even apologize for such a thing."

While I got changed into my nightgown, Thorin called to have dinner and a bottle of wine to be brought to our room. I enjoyed the couple of moments to decompress and become more like myself again. I could not believe the outburst I had just had, but I allowed myself to feel relieved and loved by Thorin's declaration. I guess even after all this time I was still surprised that he seemed to adore me the way I did him.

We sat at the small table in the room and eat our dinner and drank our wine, talking about the celebration and the other happenings in Erebor. I told him of my conversation with Gen and how I seemed to 'intimidate' the other women and of course he wasn't as surprised by that news as I was. I avoided the conversation I had with Gen about Fili though. I intended on keeping my word to her, I was certain he wouldn't hold it against me once he was made aware of the situation. I had to be more careful though, the more I drank the wine the looser my tongue became.

"I have another question for you, my love," I said, leaning on the table and swirling the wine in my glass.

He raised an eyebrow and he leaned back in his chair. "I am still not afraid of your questions, however I see the shine on you. Perhaps I am a little concerned."

"This one is a doozy. Did you ever love anyone before me?"

"I am not falling into that trap," he laughed, getting up from his chair.

"Come on, tell me! Don't you want to know my answer?"

He stood beside the table and weighed his options. He slowly sat back down in the chair and crossed his arms with a sigh. "I suppose it would have been better if we had this conversation a while ago…perhaps when we're sober we know not to open a cage of bears."

"Well I don't have a cage of bears. I can say confidently that I have never been in love before. Crushes here and there, I had an infatuation with my coworker Joseph back at the Prancing Pony but that never grew beyond friendship. Hell, I could count on one hand how many people I've slept with and only a couple I ever slept with more than once. You know how it is, there was no emotion in it. So, I have no skeletons in my closet, how about you?"

He released a concealed breath and admitted, "I wish you did have more to tell. Perhaps it would keep you from being angry with me."

"Angry with you? I am not a prude that expects you to be as pure as snow before you met me, Thorin."

"That is not the concern…you see…before Smaug attacked Erebor I was engaged to Donia for a short time."

My eyes grew and sobriety swung down and hit me. "Donia? As in the Donia in my planning group?"

He nodded slowly and I felt my face heat up and I leaned back in my chair. Seeing my face changing colors he quickly said, "All we were, were engaged. We honestly never even kissed and I don't think she even liked me, she just liked my position. I thought I was in love with her because our match made sense socially but once Erebor was attacked none of that mattered to me and we decided to cut the engagement. I never told you because it was a lifetime ago and it was such a short amount of time I sometimes forget it even happened." I kept staring at him, trying to find my words. "I swear to you Lydia, neither Donia or I have thought back on those times and considered continuing our engagement. Neither of us have breathed a word."

I pushed my glass away from myself and found my train of thought. "I believe that there isn't anything between you and Donia, obviously. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me earlier, I've spent so much time around her, it feels strange that you didn't bring it up before unless it was something you were trying to hide."

"It's not that I didn't want you to know, it just went from you not needing to know to it seeming like it was too late to bring it up. And it honestly doesn't come to mind often since it was nothing more than a label for a nonexistent relationship."

"Thorin, just try and imagine how you'd feel if you just found out I was previously engaged to someone."

He nodded and admitted, "I would wonder if it was supposed to be a secret. I would wonder if I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I would wonder why you didn't trust me enough to tell me before this moment."

I raised an eyebrow at him, somewhat relieved that he did seem to understand. "So you see my concern."

"I get it Lydia, you're allowed to be upset with me. Know that I trust no one more in the entire world and I didn't keep it from you because it was a huge secret. That part of my past means nothing to me, you're so much more significant than any sort of 'love' I've had before."

I pressed my lips together then poured the both of us another glass of wine. "Then let's allow this moment to pass. If that part of your life meant nothing, then I believe you." I placed the glass in front of him. " There's no other things in your past I should know about? No secret children of Durin or evil twins I should be aware of?"

He seemed to ease a little, knowing my humor coming out was a good sign. "You know everything else. Scandal rarely occurs amongst dwarves since much can be blamed on drink or stubbornness. How about you?"

I shook my head and scoffed, bringing the wine up to my lips. "I've always been an open book with nothing to hide once I knew I could trust someone. My problem is oversharing, not the other way around."

"Except for your tattoos," he pointed out.

"Well yes, except for my tattoos. Oh! That reminds me, Gen and I were thinking about getting more tattoos since we won't need to worry about being shunned from our own community anymore for them."

We both took the opportunity to move on from the topic of his previous engagement. A younger Lydia would have stewed on the topic and held the grudge deep in her heart, keeping Thorin at a distance until he proved himself. I probably would have enjoyed watching him squirm as he begged for my good favor again.

At that time though, I found it easy to trust him again. Had he not proved again and again to be truthful and devoted? Just that day he declared me more sacred than Erebor to him and helped me mend old wounds. Not every moment we would share together would be perfect and smooth. If we were planning on being with each other for the rest of our days, there would be moments of struggle to grow past old habits, fears, and egos. All we could do was try and be the best versions of ourselves for each other.

My best version knew I needed to move past that and move on. So, I told him about our future tattoos and spent the rest of the evening telling him I loved him. He returned the affection with kind words and his handsome smiles.