Camelot
March, 507 AD
"Ow," I groaned as Arthur knocked me to my butt on the damp grass for the sixth time today.
"You are not even trying!" he accused as he looked down at me with narrowed eyes.
I frowned and kicked his calf with both my feet, causing him to yelp as he tumbled to the ground beside me.
"What is wrong with you?!" he snarled as he followed me with his stare while I sat up.
"Me?! You're the one using me as a punching bag!"
He sat up as well. "I am not! I am trying to get you to improve your skills!"
"Well, then you're a terrible teacher!" I raised my voice above his.
"And you are an even worse student!"
"Are you two all right? You seem tense," Merlin said as he suddenly appeared on the training field, sporting a frown on his face. He offered me a hand and pulled me up when I took it. I tried offering a small grin, but all I got in response was a stoic look.
"What do you mean 'tense'?" Arthur questioned as he scrambled to his feet. He grunted when he put weight on the leg I kicked. I'm not sure whether to feel proud or guilty.
"You know. Agitated. On edge. Frustrated…" Merlin listed.
"We did just murder a king," I grumbled under my breath.
"He chose to die, Astraea!" Arthur yelled, causing me to flinch backwards.
The atmosphere in Camelot has been a hurricane of tension for the past three days, if you haven't noticed.
Merlin remains firm on his belief that the deal that Arthur offered Caerleon was unjust, which has prompted me to try to come up with alternative solutions we could've gone with (I desperately want to be on his side and, above all, not have him be disappointed in me anymore), but the situation was a very complicated one and the thoughts haven't been flowing.
Arthur, on the other hand, still maintains that we made the 'smart' choice (even if everyone and their mom can tell that he's absolutely torn about it). I know that I played my part, and it has kept me awake many hours at night.
I can feel a gut-wrenching rift slowly forming between the pair, with me stuck in the middle trying to hang onto both sides while my arms stretch to maximum capacity, resulting in an agonising pain that spreads through my whole body and reaches my soul.
"Come on, let us go again," Arthur demanded of me, now sounding slightly less agitated, as he raised his fists, ready for another round of sparring.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stepped closer to Merlin in search of comfort. "Nah, I'm tired," I replied in a mumble.
Arthur lowered his arms and sighed. He seemed to be about to say something else when Leon ran up to us, looking on edge with somewhat pale skin and tousled hair.
"Sire – a messenger this minute arrived."
"What is it?" Arthur questioned.
"An army," the knight responded gravely. "They crossed our border at first light."
My stomach churned and I bit down on my bottom lip.
"An army? Whose army?" the King inquired.
"Caerleon's Queen."
I let my head drop and clenched my jaw. "I knew this was gonna come back n' bite us in the butt."
"Are you all right, Astra?" I jumped at the unexpected sound of Gwen's voice, almost losing my grip on the stone railing that frames the balcony I stood on in the process. I instantly composed myself, trying to appear unaffected.
"Hey, shouldn't you be home? It's late," I responded, choosing to ignore the question. Of course I'm not all right! I caused a forking war!
"I did not feel like walking home in the rain," she replied while raising an eyebrow.
I frowned and focused on my surroundings. I recoiled as I realised that, indeed, it's raining.
Oh, and I'm all wet and shivering. How did I not notice?!
Now feeling uncomfortable in this state, I dashed inside and avoided Gwen's concerned gaze as I walked past her and towards my room so that I could change into something dry and warm.
"Astra – wait!" She hastened after me, soon catching up. "What happened?"
I glanced at her and shrugged as I mumbled, "Guess I spaced out."
My cold hands trembled as I tried to enter the combination into the lock that seals my room, causing the task to be much more complicated than it's supposed to be.
"Darn it," I muttered as the '2' refused to roll into place.
"Do you need help?" Gwen asked softly.
"No, I've got it."
Finally, I managed to remove the lock and I went inside the chamber, instantly heading to get a towel from the bathroom. Then I went into my closet to dry and change into warm PJs – red and black plaid pants and a grey long-sleeve top – and I threw on my Marvel hoodie over that.
I came out to find my friend still in my room, sitting on my bed and still looking concerned. I huffed at the sight.
"Talk to me, Astra," she demanded in a tone that was gentle but firm. I narrowed my eyes at her. "We are friends, are we not?"
I sighed, knowing that I need to drop the attitude; and I went to grab my Avengers blanket, wrapped myself in it, and hopped to sit on my desk.
"It's all my fault, Gwennie," I confessed in a whisper.
"What is?"
"The war..." I replied and trailed off as my jaw involuntarily clenched while tears pooled in my eyes.
Gwen frowned. "How can that be your fault, Astra?"
I dropped my head, trying to hide the fact that I'm one wrong word away from crying, as I responded, "'Cause I told Arthur to go with his uncle's plan… Heck, I even helped him draft the stupid treaty!"
My hands gripped the edge of the table as frustration and anger filled me.
"You are not to blame for the war, Astra," Gwen wrongly stated. "Even if you had not interfered, I am sure that Arthur would have followed that plan."
"You don't know that!" I exclaimed. She recoiled a little. I froze for a moment and shrunk into myself as I dropped my voice to a whisper again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout."
"You were under a lot of pressure, it cannot have been an easy decision," Gwen said.
"It shouldn't have been, but Agravaine's proposal made a lot of sense and I just ran with it," I replied. My leg started to bounce. "What the hell am I doing, Gwennie? I'm twenty-one! I have no business working as the King's advisor!" My heart turned into a race car and I jumped off my desk, resorting to pacing the length of my room. "A-and then... Arthur wants me to be his queen?! I can't do that! There's no universe in which that makes sense!"
"Astra–"
My eyes were suddenly shedding tears.
"I should've let him marry Elena," I grumbled. "I should've stayed in Texas."
Gwen stood up and swiftly moved to grab my arms in a silent request to stop my restless movement. I did so reluctantly and hesitantly made eye-contact with her while keeping my head tilted downwards.
"Astra – believe me when I say that Camelot has become a much better place since you arrived," she claimed in a tone that was stern, yet still gentle.
I huffed, "You're just sayin' that."
She shook her head. "I have known Arthur my entire life, and I have seen the unbelievable impact that you have had on him. Do not start doubting yourself now." I sighed and dropped my gaze again. "You are smart, and brave, and incredibly caring. And you will figure this out, all right?"
"Yeah, okay," I whispered.
Gwen gave me a sympathetic look and then she pulled me into a hug. I sighed shakily and returned the gesture.
Morning arrived much quicker than I was ready for it to. I squeezed my eyes shut when the sunlight that filtered through the window hit the side of my face, and I groaned while I turned to bury it in my pillow.
My brain thought it would be humorous to start playing 'Yesterday' by The Beatles in my mind. I'm not sure whether to laugh at its antics, or to slam my head against the headboard in hopes that it might shut up.
Once breathing got difficult from having my nose pressed against my pillow, I turned my head again, now away from the window, and frowned when my eyes landed on my Spider-Man Funko Pop. He also made rash, stupid decisions in 'No Way Home' that got his aunt killed, but he pushed past the turmoil and finished his quest anyways.
Then he had to reset his life after everyone he ever cared about forgot about his existence.
Huh, perhaps I should just lie here and wait until everything is over.
'But would you be able to rest?' Pepper Potts's words to Tony Stark in 'Avengers: Endgame' ran through my mind as my eyes travelled to my 'Iron-Man' toy.
Nope. I'll never sleep a wink again if I hide from this. I didn't fight to become a knight just to run away from the responsibilities that come with that. I did it because I want to be like the heroes I grew up watching on the big screen.
All right, fine, I'll get out of bed.
I took a deep breath and sat up. I slowly moved away from my sea of blankets and pillows and I headed towards my closet, where I changed out of my PJs and into black riding leggings, a white v-neck shirt that has the Avengers logo in black on it, and my baby blue hoodie, which I left unzipped. I put on the first two long socks that I pulled out of their drawer, not caring that they don't match, and I pulled on my riding boots. I undid my braid, brushed my hair, and redid it. I brushed my teeth. And finally, I stuffed my special blanket into the duffel bag I packed yesterday, then I zipped that and slung it over my shoulder.
I was a bit alarmed to find that most of the knights had already saddled their horses by the time I got to the equestrian facilities and I sent the curious heads that shot my way a sheepish smile before rushing to get Dallas from his paddock.
"I was beginning to fear you might have gotten sick," Merlin commented as I led my horse to stand beside Falcon.
"Good morning to you, too," I responded sarcastically. He gave me a disapproving look. I dropped my gaze. "Gwen told you, huh?"
"She was worried about you."
I puffed, but said nothing else and instead walked away to get my riding equipment.
A few minutes later, the army was ready and Arthur appeared on site with his uncle in tow. He didn't say a word to anyone as he marched towards Tequila, who stood to Falcon's other side.
My heart churned when I didn't even get an acknowledging nod. He must be re-thinking our entire relationship! I can't blame him. I am, too. I'm never going to be good enough for him. Or for Camelot. And that is a fact that I can't close my eyes to anymore.
The fairy-tale is over. It's time to face real life.
Feeling as if my chest were stuffed full of rocks, I mounted my Thoroughbred and rode beside Merlin as the army cantered out of the castle walls.
"Change to blue," I said as I placed the colour wheel card atop the upside-down pot we were using in place of a table.
Merlin grunted beside me as he looked over his stack, which has doubled since the round of Uno started.
"You have half the packet there, Merlin! You have got to have a blue card!" Leon exclaimed with a chuckle.
Merlin narrowed his eyes at the curly blond. "All right, since you insist," he muttered before placing down a blue '2' card.
I bursted out laughing as Leon's grin fell and he begrudgingly went to pick up two cards.
"Oh, great, that works for me!" Percival chirped as he laid down a green '2'.
Elyan threw his arms up in frustration and added to his growing stack. A couple more and he'll be rivalling Merlin for biggest loser.
Gwaine giggled and put down a green '6'. I smiled to myself and put down a blue counterpart. My brother groaned again and had to take a card from the draw pile. Then another. And another. Until he finally put down a blue '3'.
The game went on until Leon eventually won it, narrowly beating me. He got lucky.
Gwaine gathered all the cards and graciously started to shuffle them again. I'm very grateful that he has that ability, 'cause I can't shuffle cards to save my life. I usually just throw them face-down on the table (or pot, or floor, or wherever) and scramble them.
"Astraea!" Elyan whined as he shoved the rulebook in my face. "This clearly says that you cannot stack plus-two cards!"
"That particular rule was made to be broken, El," I responded with a smirk. "Everyone plays this way... Except for boring grumps." He narrowed his eyes at me.
"It is a fun alteration to the rules, Elyan," Gwaine piped in with a grin and offered me a high-five. I eagerly slapped my palm against his.
Elyan scoffed, though I could see a faint smile forming on his lips. Then he tilted his head as his gaze landed on something behind Merlin. I followed his line of sight and found Arthur leaning against one of the posts that hold up his tent, watching all of us with a stormy look in his eyes.
I felt a pang in my chest when we made eye-contact and I quickly looked away, feeling a lump form in my throat. I'm not sure where our relationship is at. All I know is that I don't want it to be over. I don't know what I would do with myself if things end… I'm not sure I could live with the heart-break…
"We should all get some sleep," Arthur said before turning around and returning inside his temporary room.
"Party-pooper," I grumbled.
"Is he all right?" Gwaine asked, his eyes darting between Merlin and I. I shrugged.
"He is our King. If anything were to happen to any of us, he will hold himself responsible," my brother answered wisely.
Gwaine nodded in understanding and he reached to place a hand on my knee, giving me a reassuring smile when I looked up at him.
"Maybe we should say something?" Elyan proposed.
I gulped and dropped my head. I've wanted to simply talk to him ever since we came back from dealing with the bandits, but he's been distant and I haven't found the right thing to say.
The rest of the knights agreed to Elyan's plan, so I reluctantly followed them into the tent. Arthur seemed surprised at the sudden invasion as he looked up from some wooden object he'd been contemplating, producing a questioning expression.
"Sire," Elyan greeted with a small, almost nervous, smile.
I hung slightly behind Gwaine, clutching his sleeve, as the team gathered around the brooding King.
"Well?" Arthur pressed.
"We just want you to know…" Elyan began, "there is not a man, or woman, among us who would not die for you. We made our pledge, and we wear the Pendragon crest with pride. Tomorrow, we fight in your name, Sire. For freedom and justice in this land."
Darn, he's good at motivational speeches!
Arthur suddenly seemed less troubled as a glint shone through his cloudy eyes. And I think a few tears pooled somewhere in there. "Thank you, Elyan. Thank you all," he said, his voice softer than I've heard it in days as he glanced around the room. My heart-rate sped up when his gaze landed on me and I started nibbling on my bottom lip.
The knights took turns nodding at him and patting his back before exiting the tent one by one.
Gwaine gently patted my shoulder on his way out and nodded towards Arthur with his head.
Merlin remained behind as he moved to start polishing some armour.
I gulped when my gaze met the King's again. Should I stay or should I go?
He reached towards me and I hesitantly stepped closer. I slowly placed my hand in his and his comforting touch instantly burned the tension off my body. He gently tugged me closer and I complied. He scooted his chair slightly backwards and pulled me onto his lap, then he wrapped his arms around my waist.
Does this mean we're still together?
Arthur kissed my cheek and gave me a small grin. I sighed in relief and returned both gestures before curling up and resting my head on his shoulder. I'm not gonna say it aloud with Merlin in the room, but I really missed being this close to him, and the party he creates in my heart.
"They mean it, Sire. Every word," Merlin assured the King, forgetting about the armour as he moved to sit across from us.
"I have never once questioned their loyalty," Arthur said. His grip on me tightened slightly. "I do wonder if I deserve it."
I poked his chest and narrowed my eyes at him as I scolded, "Like I told you – we'd all be home watching Netflix if you didn't deserve it."
"No one could care more for their knights than you do. To send them into battle is not a decision that you would make lightly, and they know that," Merlin pointed out.
"But was it the smart decision?" Arthur questioned.
"If there was any other way out of this situation, you would take it. But you must defend Camelot. You have no choice," my brother responded.
"I had a choice," the King countered, a hint of shakiness in his voice. "To let Caerleon live or die. I made the wrong decision. And now I have brought this war upon Camelot myself."
"We," I corrected. "Don't forget who helped you write the treaty."
"You wanted to hold him for ransom and I listened to Agravaine instead," he countered.
I bit my bottom lip. No argument there.
"Arthur – no one is prepared to sacrifice more for the sake of this kingdom than you," Merlin said gently. "Your decision was made in the best interests of Camelot."
I guess he's not so disappointed in us anymore…
"Maybe," Arthur said. His thumb started to rub circles on the side of my waist and my nervous system became livelier than Coachella. "Now my knights must pay for it with their lives."
I started playing with the neckline of his shirt to distract myself from his soul-igniting actions while I started pondering if there might be anything we could do to stop the bloodshed.
It's hard to see a way out when the opposition's motive is revenge. But what if this Queen can be appeased by something other than a war? Surely she doesn't want to send her men into battle either, knowing they might lose their lives, right!? Or maybe my brain still operates largely off twenty-first century ethics… But if we can settle the matter in another way, isn't it worth a try?
I jumped to my feet and began to pace the tent.
"Astra?" Merlin questioned softly.
"What if there's an alternative?" I asked as I lifted my head, alternating my gaze between my two companions. "I mean, this Queen's here 'cause we killed her husband, not because she wants land or riches. Right?"
"Right…" Arthur responded.
"Y'know, I can't say I blame 'er," I continued. "I know I'd raise hell on Earth if someone hurt either of you." My jaw and fists clenched at the mere thought. Yes, I'd bring on all of Armageddon by myself if anyone dared to harm a single perfect golden lock on Arthur's head, or leave a single scratch mark on Merlin's skin. "She's perfectly justified. I've half-a-mind to march over there n' join her side, but that'd land me in an awkward position…"
"Astra, concentrate," Merlin demanded.
Right. How to stop the war.
"Yeah. So what if we can come to some sort of agreement with her? A percentage of our crops for the people of her land, or the promise of military support if she ever finds herself in a conflict, a plumbing system for her castle..." I rambled on until I ran out of ideas. "Or, if she wants a battle, you two can play a game of chess!"
"I do not know how to play chess," Arthur pointed out.
"Yeah, and I bet she doesn't either, so it'd be an equal match," I replied with a shrug.
"I do not think she is going to agree to a game of chess," Merlin claimed.
"Probably not, but I think that Astra is onto something," Arthur said as he stood up and he moved to wrap an arm over my shoulders. I grinned while leaning against his side. "What if I propose a single combat? That way only two lives would be at stake, instead of hundreds."
I nodded. "Okay, we'll call that plan B. Let's at least give the chess thing a shot?"
Arthur snorted and he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "All right, I will see what I can do," he said before moving to grab his cloak off the table.
I squared up, ready to go with him.
He gave me a small smile and moved to stand in front of me, gently placing his hands on my upper arms as he stated, "I need to do this alone, darling."
I frowned and pouted a little. I only just got him back! I don't want to leave his side!
"He is right, Astra. You are too weird. You will throw her off," Merlin chipped in teasingly. My jaw dropped as I turned to face him. "I love you?" he offered with an apologetic smile.
I scoffed and turned back to Arthur, finding him glaring at my brother.
"It is not that, Astra," he assured me as he returned his attention to me. "I just... I need to prove to myself that I have what it takes to be King."
"Fine," I relented and dropped my head to his chest. He wrapped me in a hug. "But, for the record, I believe you've proven that a thousand times already."
He gently lifted my head and he leaned down to place a soft and gentle kiss on my lips, triggering a ballet performance from my heart. "Thank you," he whispered once he pulled away. Then he put his dark blue cloak over his chainmail and left the tent.
I sighed as I watched him go, and when he was no longer visible, I turned back to my brother. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hang out with my friends who appreciate my weirdness," I said with a dramatic hair-flip before I exited the small assembled room and skipped over to where the knights sat.
Playing Uno again.
Without me.
Rude.
But they were happy to have me join and Gwaine quickly scooted over on the log he was sitting atop to make space for me, while Merlin moved to sit between Percival and Leon.
Arthur returned from his meeting with the Queen about an hour later, sporting a grin on his pretty lips. My heart skipped a beat at the sight. It's so great to see him smile after he's been brooding for almost a week! I shot up from my spot beside Gwaine and sprinted to him, grabbing his hands.
"Did it work?" I asked.
"It worked," Arthur replied.
I began to bounce on my heels. "You're gonna settle this over chess?!"
"No, over a single combat."
My smile dropped slightly, then I shrugged. Still better than war.
"Yay, you did it!" I chirped and jumped to hug him.