A/N: This note is relevant to the chapter.

So... Yesterday, I discovered the concept of a walk-in. I was reading a book on psychic phenomena. In psychic parlance, a walk-in is a spirit that takes over a body that it was not born into. This can happen for nonmalicious reasons: the original spirit vacates the body during a near-death experience, or it invites in helpers to help it deal with abuse, for example. Whatever the case, walk-ins can usually be distinguished by the fact that operating the body does not come naturally for them.

After reading this, I reviewed my life story. As a child, I had many experiences of not being able to handle various responsibilities. I'm ADHD, in a society which prioritizes productivity, born to parents who were not able to help a whole lot. Living in this body in this life is challenging, and I wasn't able to handle it. When puberty started, I emotionally shut down. No WAY could I handle THAT. Shortly after this shutdown began, I had some strange experiences where various parts of me felt like they were not operating according to the same agenda, like I was being possessed. That got better over the course of a year or two. I stopped experiencing such overt discontinuities. Then my life took a sudden turn for the better. The emotional shutdown began to wear off and I discovered a sense of purpose, a way to successfully live as the ADHD sort of person that I am in this sort of world. At the same time, my ability to operate my own body nosedived. I had to spend the next several years studying psychology before I understood basic concepts such as "rest" that I don't recall having any trouble understanding as a child.

It looks like the "me" that I've been identifying with for the past decade is actually a walk-in, an angel who came to help. The original spirit, the one that needed help, is the mental presence that I've been thinking of as my ego. My so-called ego has only ever been critical when I failed to meet important life responsibilities. If I functioned well, it was happy! If I did not, it would start to say things like, "You're not supposed to be a flawed, messed-up person with a life full of mistakes! You're supposed to be better! What is the point of all this if you're not?!" I've spent yesterday and today mentally talking to my ego, inviting it to come up front and please please please take care of this body, seriously, I don't know how to manage this meat vessel. And what do you know? It's been working. I feel a level of connection to my own body that previously I could only feel while taking powerful stimulants. I feel different, choose different activities, and move differently when performing familiar activities. I move in ways that I remember moving as a child.

So...now I have a better understanding of my life story. A spirit takes over a physical form with great power and potential, discovers it can't handle it, and calls for help. Another spirit comes to offer guidance and successfully does so, but encounters its own challenges. The walk-in finds that it also cannot handle the demands of life, which pisses off the original spirit, making it regret the whole deal. After a period of conflict and extensive intervention from the universe, they work out a shared custody arrangement. One will manage the body, one will handle social interactions, they'll try to balance each other out while not being too domineering. Hopefully their combined strengths will allow them to control the body's innate power, resulting in a successful and world-changing life.

How is this relevant to the chapter? Well...

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Clone Nagato

The woman that Nagato knew as Marsha, normally a gentle soul, put her foot down with an ultimatum. "You've gotta stop toying with that poor boy's heart. You two love each other! Make it official, or I won't allow these visits to go on."

Konan froze and her eyes got a distant look in them. "Ah, it's not that simple," Nagato said.

"It is that simple." Marsha frowned in stern disapproval and clicked her tongue twice. She would not hear any arguments. Nagato tugged on Konan's arm, leading her away.

"Now, of all times?" Konan whispered as they passed the empty cages on their way to the yard.

"What do you mean?"

She stopped and lowered her voice so far that he had to strain to hear it. "I fear for my mental stability once more."

Wow, that IS bad timing. Nagato sighed. "Marsha's a big believer in love overcoming all obstacles."

"Whereas I am a firm believer in harsh realities," Konan replied. "We cannot have an ordinary, untrained pet animal living with us."

"But she was serious. If you don't formally adopt him, she'll stop you from ever seeing him again."

Konan's face filled with sadness. She turned away and went out into the yard, with Nagato trailing behind.

Whisper whined. He sat on the porch just a few feet away, chewing on his favorite toy. The second he sensed Konan, his black tail thumped back and forth. After a few seconds, he got up and went to her. Konan knelt and rubbed all around his ears, whispering soft lovely nothings. It was easy to see the young girl she had once been. Nagato bit his lower lip. What's the right choice?

Whisper soon settled down. Konan sat and studied him. She said, "Whisper. There is something we must discuss."

The dog dropped his toy, then picked it up again.

"Would you like to live with me? It would not be easy. Living with me and with all the people I surround myself with would entail a life of work, danger, and unpredictability. You would be very stressed. However, if we do not agree to live together, then we can never see each other again."

Oh, if only Yahiko was here! Had Nagato known that Marsha was going to issue her ultimatum, he would have asked Clone Yahiko to come to facilitate communication. Alas, Clone Yahiko was busy trying to make contact with Original Hidan. He could not help. They were on their own.

Whisper did not answer, and there was no sign that he understood the question. He simply sat by Konan's side, chewing on his toy, looking like the most relaxed dog in the world. Konan did not speak again. She watched him and sometimes scratched behind an ear if he acted itchy. Nagato had no idea what to do, so he just monitored the dogs and performed any chore that needed performing. He helped the trainer, took mental notes about the dogs' various behaviors, supervised their play. But the whole time, a part of his mind kept thinking of Whisper. What are we going to do?

When outside time was over, Konan helped him lead the dogs back inside to their cages. Then the two of them walked up to the front desk. Nagato tried to voice his anxiety, but couldn't think of words to say. He was entirely lost, directionless, helpless to participate in any decision. It felt awful. I can't even tell what I want or don't want. I'm still as useless without Yahiko as ever.

Konan placed a hand on Marsha's desk. Marsha raised her eyebrows. Konan said, "I will adopt Whisper."

What?! Nagato stared at her back. What did she use to make that decision? I know that she was just as confused as me! What changed?

Marsha clicked her tongue once. "I'll get the paperwork ready. Fifteen minutes."

Konan went outside to wait. Nagato followed her without hesitation. They crossed the parking lot at a quick walk, heading for his car. Nagato caught up just as she reached it. "Why?" he asked, slamming his right hand down on the hood. The harsh sound shocked him into full awareness. Am I angry? What for?

"I don't want to never see him again," Konan replied. "Logically, I cannot excuse this course of action, but sitting at his side… Well…"

"Sitting at his side? That's what did it?"

In a cold, formal voice, Konan said, "If you believe I have made the wrong decision, it would be wise to say so quickly."

"I have no idea whether or not your decision was right," Nagato shot back. "I have no idea how you made a decision at all."

Konan's brow furrowed. After a moment, she said, "Truthfully, neither do I. Was it genuine intuition? Foolish impulse? An early warning? I don't know."

Nagato shook his head. I still don't get it. "Well… It's done, I suppose."

"Yes. It is dangerous for a shinobi to change their mind."

"But how are we going to look after him? Who's going to be responsible for him? Who's going to make sure the dolls don't bother him too much? There is a lot of responsibility involved."

Konan sighed, looking like she regretted her impulsive decision. "It will be figured out."

"Hopefully so…"

She looked at him. "What would you have said to that woman?"

Nagato froze. I would have said nothing. From my silence, she would have assumed that I was deciding not to adopt him. But it wouldn't be a real decision. I wouldn't be rejecting the opportunity, just freezing up long enough for it to pass me by.

Konan tilted her head. "Why are you willing to speak to me, but not to her?"

Nagato flushed and felt cold at the same time. Why am I so quick to criticize? At least she made a real decision. That's more than I could have done. "I'm sorry."

Konan touched his forearm. In a gentle voice, she told him, "The field of battle is not hospitable to the indecisive."

"I know." He squeezed his eyes shut. "But I can't seem to change."

"Please try. Consulting with your original may help."

There was nothing Nagato would rather do less. Interacting with his original was a confusing blend of things: terrifying, shame-inducing, inspiring, soul-crushing, hopeful, depressing. Every instinct screamed at him to avoid his original. But for Konan's sake, he nodded and promised that he would.

.

"And that's what happened."

It was nearing sunset. Inside the building, there was surely a great amount of activity related to Konan's spontaneous decision, not to mention dinner prep. Neither version of Nagato had to deal with said activity. They sat on opposite sides of the bench-table in the backyard. The only sounds were their own voices and the background melody of crickets and birdsong. The only opinions were their own.

Original Nagato spent some time thinking before he spoke. "Of the various parts of this story you have told me, the one that appears to bother you the most is your own hypocrisy."

Clone Nagato blushed and dipped his head, too ashamed to speak.

"Why do you seek assistance from me? Why not from your version of Hidan?"

Clone Nagato raised his head. "How could he help?"

"He would identify hypocrisy and stop you from performing it."

Clone Nagato shook his head slowly. "No. If he had been there with us, he might've snapped back at Marsha, or walked away, or… Pretty much anything other than keeping a cool head and acting reasonable."

Original Nagato snorted. "Versions of Hidan rarely act from a place of reason."

"I don't mean that. I mean being uninvolved. Pointing out what's going on from an outside perspective. Your version of Hidan is good at that. My version isn't. He would've joined in."

"Ah. I see. He would have felt your shame and indecision and become no more useful than you were."

"He would have felt my anger."

Silence descended. Clone Nagato stared down at the dirt surface of the table. Beneath it, in his lap, his hands clenched into fists.

"Anger?" Original Nagato asked.

"Rage," Clone Nagato replied. "She made a decision when I couldn't. She was better than me."

"You wished to hurt Konan?"

"No. She's not the one who made me freeze up. I did." Clone Nagato closed his eyes. "I want to change my ways. I keep trying to. I keep failing. And I hate myself for it."

Original Nagato's voice grew cold and stern. "There is no room in a shinobi's heart for regret. You have less cause to hate yourself than I. Do I wallow in such wasteful emotions? No. I cannot. What good would it do?"

Clone Nagato raised his head. "How else am I supposed to feel? I've spent my life living in Yahiko's shadow, turning my power over to him instead of living my own life. What else could I possibly feel?"

"Something productive. Something that does not drive you towards violence against yourself and those closest to you."

I hate him! Clone Nagato gritted his teeth and refrained from speaking. Anything that came out of his mouth at this moment would be counterproductive. Like he says: what good would it do?

Original Nagato shook his head. "Frankly, I do not understand why you dislike lending your power to him. Is that not what Yahiko and I are? Two who are better as one?"

I hate him because he's right! Clone Nagato dug his fingernails into his palms. Why am I angry? Why?!

The back door opened. "Hey guys!" Yahiko's voice called. "Do either of you want ice cream?"

"No!" Clone Nagato snapped.

"...Uh, okay then." Several seconds passed with no more sound from the back door. "Do you want something else…?"

"Nothing it is within your power to give." Clone Nagato tried to rein it in. He really did. But no force of will could take the anger out of his voice.

He internally groaned when he heard Yahiko's footsteps crossing the grass. He couldn't look at his original. He didn't want to face anybody. He wanted to go to his room and hide in the closet. Forget about trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I just - I just can't deal with anything right now.

Yahiko sat next to him. It was Clone Yahiko, not the original. "You're clearly not okay, so… I'm here. If you want to talk about it or anything -"

"Which I don't."

"Or if you don't, that's okay. I'm still here."

I wish you weren't. Oh, wow. I am the worst. To think something like that about someone like him…

"Perhaps you should fetch some ice cream," Original Nagato said. "Mint pistachio, please."

Yahiko hesitated, but he did eventually get up and leave. Clone Nagato closed his eyes again. Why don't I want him to come back? Why do I want him to leave me alone, so that I can curl up into a ball in the darkness where no one can find me or help me ever again? What is wrong with me? Original Nagato said nothing, allowing Clone Nagato to immerse himself in this fantasy. Curled up into a ball… Surrounded by darkness… Where no one can find me… Something about this deeply depressing image felt soothing. It didn't feel sad. It felt more like…

"Here it is!"

His eyes flew open. Yahiko bounced across the lawn and placed three bowls of ice cream on the table, two mint-pistachios for both versions of Nagato and a bowl of chocolate ice cream for himself. Each bowl already had a tiny spoon sticking out of it. Yahiko sat down and immediately tasted a spoonful of his ice cream. He made a happy sound. Clone Nagato stared at him, all anger forgotten, spine tingling with the awe that he had felt when they first met. I remember!

Clone Nagato sighed. "Yahiko."

"Yeah?"

"I'm really not very good at anything. I'm not good at being happy. I'm not good at navigating the world, navigating life. I have immense power but no idea how to use it. I am just not competent at…at anything. At the basic tasks of existing."

Yahiko looked confused and slightly frightened. He put his spoon down and scratched the back of his head. "What are you saying?"

"That this was a mistake." Clone Nagato shrugged. "Something about our current state of existence is deeply flawed and it's my fault. I'm sorry."

Yahiko turned his ice cream over, exposing its mostly-melted side. He did not eat any more. He only watched it for several seconds, then flipped it over again and mushed it down. By now, the ice cream was soft enough to be stirred. "I used to feel the same way."

"Used to? What changed?"

"I don't really know. I got a lot of help from people. I figured out what I was good at. But I think what helped the most was…" Yahiko looked at him. "Do you actually want anything?"

"Aside from an adult to handle everything that is difficult for me?"

Yahiko looked back at the building. "That's what you want? I can get you one of those."

Clone Nagato snorted. "I'm not trying to be funny."

"I'm not either. We literally have a dozen people around all the time, and magic dolls, and magic books. They can do things for you."

"I don't want to spend my whole life playing the victim. I have great power. I want to use it. I want to be strong and not always rely on others."

"You can have both."

Nagato looked at him. Yahiko looked back. He seemed to be utterly, entirely serious. What on earth is he talking about?

His skepticism must have showed. "I mean it," Yahiko said. "I wanted people to love me and I wanted to express myself, and I thought I couldn't have both, but it turned out that I can. You don't have to sacrifice anything."

Nagato blinked. "I don't understand."

"You can be strong and people will still help you."

Nagato's hands curled into fists again. "You think that's what my problem is? That I'm subconsciously sabotaging my own efforts at self improvement out of fear that it'll cost me other people's help?"

"I thought that was what you were saying. Was I wrong? I'm sorry if I assumed too much."

Once again, Nagato felt his anger spurring him to think thoughts that he would not otherwise have allowed himself to think. I'm not afraid of struggling. I'm afraid that I'll finally succeed! Then, when I am happy, when I don't need you anymore, I won't want you anymore. I'll hate and despise everything we ever had.

Yahiko scratched the back of his head again. "Is it really something else? I mean - you don't have to make something up if you don't know - it's just that - am I trying to understand too much? I'm sorry."

"Becoming strong will ruin everything."

There was a beat of silence. Yahiko's brow furrowed. "What?"

Nagato didn't understand what he was saying either, but he pressed on. "If I don't need you anymore, I won't want you. The second I am competent, the second I can handle the pressures of existing, I'll look back on our entire friendship like it was a bad dream."

Yahiko shook his head in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because healthy people don't merge their identities with their best friends. What we have is weird. This utter inability to function without you? I - I like it, but only because I'm not right. I'll wake up one day as a perfectly functional independent person and I'll think, 'What the hell was that?'"

Yahiko looked hurt. "Don't we have anything more than that? Haven't we done things that two perfectly normal healthy people can do together?"

"Yeah, but… That's not what our friendship is founded on, and we both know it."

Yahiko's shoulders slumped. Nagato felt bad. I don't want to hurt him. Neither of us did anything wrong. It wasn't anyone's fault that we only met because we were both desperate for someone to attach ourselves to. And it helped, at first - being an orphan was so much less lonely with him by my side. It only became a bad thing when we grew up and started wanting to have our own separate identities, our own lives.

"I can't believe it. You'd really look back on our entire history together and think it was awful just because of the way it began?" Yahiko asked. "Doesn't the way we've grown together mean anything?"

"Have we? As far as I can tell, we only started to grow when we started doing separate activities. You learned to talk to nature spirits, I started dating Hidan…"

Yahiko looked down. "We matured together before that. We helped each other get through school, apply for our first jobs."

That's true. Yet… Nagato shrugged his shoulders. "Are we to depend on each other for the rest of our lives?"

"...I guess not."

"But at the same time, I don't want to wake up from this dream."

Yahiko smiled. "I don't either."

Nagato found himself circling back to the same dilemma he had always faced, the question he had asked himself for more than a decade: How can love which feels so right be wrong?

"Is there no third option?"

They both jumped. They'd forgotten that Original Nagato was there. "Third option?" Clone Nagato asked.

"You make it sound as if the only alternative to utter dependence is complete separation," Original Nagato said. "Is the ordinary sort of reliance between friends not possible?"

"We have no basis for it," Clone Nagato replied. "We've never been ordinary friends before. It would be like becoming friends from scratch, as if we were only just meeting. We'd have to untangle our identities, become separate, and then meet again as two separate people. It would hurt a lot."

"I have had little difficulty establishing an ordinary sort of bond with my version of Yahiko."

"Your version died," Clone Nagato retorted. "You became your own person because you had to. Do you think you could have done it before he died?" He waited a few seconds. The look Original Nagato got on his face was all the response needed.

"So it's our bond that's holding you back from becoming the person you want to be?" Yahiko asked, sounding wounded again. "What sort of person is that, anyway?"

"I want to have opinions. I want to make judgments. I want to be able to make decisions. Making decisions is an essential ability. I will never have much of a life if I freeze up at every opportunity."

"I'm sorry for taking charge so much. If I'd known it would cripple you, I would have asked you to decide more things."

"If I had a choice…"

They both looked at Original Nagato. He locked eyes with his clone. "It is true that my full power only manifested after my version of Yahiko died. However, it manifested in a perverted way. The world would have been better off if I had stayed powerless. You should not unlock your full power by following my example. If I had a choice, I would have chosen for him not to die. I would have chosen to mature at his side, even if that took a very long time."

"How long? Years? Decades? I have to be able to make my own decisions now," Clone Nagato protested. "Vampires, magic, regional guardians! If I can't make independent decisions in the next few months, a lot of bad things could happen."

"If your power becomes twisted in an evil direction, worse things will happen," Original Nagato countered. "You must not force it."

Clone Nagato and Clone Yahiko looked at each other. Yahiko smiled. "So we don't have to abandon our friendship?"

At the same time, Nagato sighed. "So I'm stuck like this?"

They each heard what the other said, and they looked at each other with new eyes. We've always emphasized our similarities, but we're really very different, aren't we? It always felt like our bond developed naturally and easily. That must have been an illusion. It's a miracle that we met each other at all. If we hadn't both been orphaned, a shy boy like me would never have talked to or been noticed by a shining star like him. He would have had all the best friends, and if I even got close enough to notice him, I never would have gathered the courage to approach. We were supposed to live separate lives. It's only by an accident of Fate that our lives became entwined.

Was it a fortunate accident? Or was it the worst thing that ever happened to us?

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A/N: I believe it's a good thing. Nagato's character as presented in canon does not allow for brash arrogance and anger issues, but both of those traits are characteristic of my ego. I believe that my original spirit was allowed to incarnate in a lifetime that it was not ready for because some humility was in order. Similarly, my helper angel is generally competent but tends to be a bit of a doormat. My ego plays a role similar to Original Hidan's, calling out unfairness and prodding me into taking action.

This is so exciting! I can't wait to see where we'll go next. ^_^

See y'all next week!