***chapter 21***

***Feathers***

The world has gone crazy and I HATE it. The men went to the Great War happy and saying they were going to fight a few Germans and it would all be over by Christmas and I thought we'd all be happy celebrating Christmas and be friends with Germany again, but people are being KILLED.*

And soldiers are losing limbs – Percy Driscoll did, he works on Longfield Farm, and he only has one arm now so he can't do as much as he did before so he doesn't get paid as much, and he is so angry about it as he has six kids to feed. Harry Mortimer hasn't lost any arms or legs in the War but he is acting very strangely and it scares me. He just stops in the middle of High Street and screams and screams and screams. Everyone says it is shell shock and it makes men go insane. And I read in Mr Molesley's newspaper about a butchers in London being set on fire because it was owned by a German family and it said it was happening in other cities too.

I don't like even looking at the newspapers on the shop counter now when I am just going in Mrs Parry's general store to buy hair clips or chocolate or Peg's Paper. I walked in with my eyes closed so I didn't see them last week and bumped into a man who was not very happy at all and shouted at me that I should look where I was going. Mrs Parry said he was in a bad mood because he got a white feather from two women the day before.

I asked why that would put him in a bad mood because it was a nice thing to do. I said Mam used to say if you found a feather it meant a loved one who died was thinking of you and if you hadn't lost anyone – because I asked Mam about that when I found a huge seagull feather when I was little but I hadn't lost anyone apart from Gran and Grandad (I don't mean I took them out somewhere and forgot I had them with me so left them at a tram stop or something and went home, I mean they died before I was born so I didn't remember them. I hope they know I would NEVER leave them at a tram stop) and Mam said when that happened it was probably an angel to say the angels were thinking of you.

When I finished telling Mrs Parry about Mam, she rolled her eyes and said, "Daisy, you do talk a lot at times and most of it is nonsense."

That stung me, I don't mind telling you (I don't mind telling you anything as you are my friend and you won't think I'm being stupid) but I managed not to cry though I sniffed a bit and got my hanky out of my pocket and did a pretend cough and sneeze so Mrs Parry would think I had a cold. Then I bought some menthol and eucalyptus sweets though I couldn't really afford them to make it seem even more like I did. Mr Carson lets us have menthol and eucalyptus if we have a cold as long as we don't suck when any ladies and gentlemen are about though we can suck when common people are around.

I was smiling to myself because I suddenly realised when I get told off at work now and it makes me want to cry I can pretend then as well so the other servants won't say, "Daisy, you need to be more thick-skinned" they'll say, "Daisy, how is your cold?" and Mrs Parry turned around with the tin of sweets she got from the shelf and gave me a funny look as she put them down on the counter (people often give me funny looks when I do or say something, it's really odd) and said as she was counting out my change that the reason men were being given white feathers was because they were cowards and scared of going to war.

"But I would be scared of going to the War and being killed too, Mrs Parry!" I said.

"Well, of course you would. You're only a kitchen maid."

"I'm a kitchen maid learning to cook," I corrected because people are always impressed when I say that and Mrs Patmore and Mrs Hughes often say I should be very proud of myself especially as my stews and casseroles are becoming quite edible. "But I would still be scared of going to the War."

Mrs Parry sighed and rolled her eyes again. "You're not a man, Daisy. It's very cowardly for a man not to fight. I would feel very ashamed if my Arthur were still alive and hadn't joined up."

"But it's cruel to give them white feathers when everybody is scared of being killed," I argued, but Mrs Parry wouldn't have it and told me I was a very silly girl and to leave her shop. I feel very sad about feathers not being a loved one thinking of you or angels thinking of you any more.

I still feel sad about it but I didn't have time to have a cry in the kitchens even with the onions as we have been very, very busy. I did the Upstairs dinner with Mrs Patmore helping and she said I could go and have a rest for half an hour as I have worked so hard today. I had a right good cry when I got to our room about men being given white feathers and about Lizzie but I didn't need my menthol and eucalyptus because there was nobody here to ask if I had a cold.

I thought I heard rain just now so I looked out of the window and Lizzie has drawn a broken heart with her breath on the glass. She has not heard from Ben even once since he went away. We tell her things like the soldiers have to keep it secret where they are in the War in case the enemy finds out but deep down we are all thinking the worst.

I will never, ever tell Lizzie, but I overheard some of the other servants saying he was a bloody idiot to lie about being older than he is and he's probably dead and buried now. Mr Carson hit the roof when he found out he'd gone (I don't mean really as he would need a very long ladder to really hit it and I don't think Downton Abbey has any long enough). Old Silas got a terrible telling-off from him and nearly got fired as head gardener because of Ben being in gardens even though he didn't know a thing about it. I mean he did know Ben was in gardens, but he didn't know he'd joined the Army. Of course Lizzie, Carrie and I knew, but we were sworn to secrecy. It seemed exciting and romantic when we went to wave him off, but it doesn't now.

Lizzie has stopped being all dreamy. She doesn't do any more funny impressions of people and looks very pale and sad and I hear her crying quietly in bed at night and when I ask if she's all right she says she's fine and doesn't want to talk about it. I buy her little gifts like chocolate to try and make her feel better and say I will always be her friend, and she just smiles a bit and says, "Thank you, Daisy" like a ladyship but not in a nasty way. I wish I could help her. I don't know what else to do.

This horrible, horrible Great War has made us all serious. Fred doesn't sing Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do any more and he hardly ever whistles. I hope he doesn't join up. The only good thing about the War is that Mr Barrow has gone to be a medic so I don't have to put up with his teasing. I will have to go back Downstairs now before I get into trouble.

I have to tell you this while Lizzie is in the bathroom! (It is morning and I didn't have time to write any more yesterday.) Lady Mary came into the kitchens with Mrs Hughes last night to tell Mrs Patmore she'd received a telephone call to say that the trench cakes "had been very much enjoyed by our troops and they would be delighted if we could possibly send more" (that was her ladyship speaking, not me. I would have just said they gobbled them down quick and were still hungry). **

She said she knew it would be extra work for us, but she hoped we didn't mind. Then all of a sudden she turned to me and said, "Daisy, isn't it? Dinner was more delicious than ever tonight. Mrs Patmore is obviously teaching you well." I went red and said, "thank you, m'lady" and Mrs Hughes said to me when she'd gone, "Well done, Daisy. That's certainly a feather in your cap, Hinny!"

That made me think about the white feathers so I said, "I will be fine, Mrs Hughes, I have a tin of menthol and eucalyptus sweets." but Mrs Hughes didn't ask about my cold, she shook her head and gave me a funny look. I am very happy about what Lady Mary said, but I am very happy I am very sad as well because I don't want to be too happy when Lizzie is sad.

A/N: *When the First World War broke out in August 1914 many people believed "it would all be over by Christmas"

**Trench cakes, so named because they were sent to soldiers in WW1 trenches, were fruit cakes made without eggs (eggs were sent to hospitals as more nutritious food for wounded soldiers), a combination of vinegar and baking soda (to give the cakes rise) and more readily available ingredients such as dried fruit.