Author's Note: Sorry for the wait! Enjoy!
Jake was so excited to go back the first day after that realization, only for his skin to still be sensitive, just not as much so as it had been. His low had been sudden and bad, but whatever moment he'd had with Eywa was enough to help lift him back up, only his skin was still sensitive when he jumped back into his avatar. Tsu'tey didn't seem to know what upset Jake again when he realized that whatever he had thought had happened with his skin actually didn't, and Jake just didn't want to talk about it. He was quiet while Tsu'tey led him through the forest, keeping up on his lessons. Jake kept to himself but pushed to ensure his body never stopped moving or stray too far from Tsu'tey. Whatever tsahaylu with Eywa did to bring him out of his low, was a little undone when Jake realized that nothing really changed.
Tsu'tey asked, pulling Jake gently into his side to press a soft kiss to his forehead, and while Jake leaned into it, he cursed the sensitive flesh of the avatar and was a bit relieved to go back. They had their same goodbye, where Tsu'tey didn't want him to go and Jake acknowledged it before leaving anyway, but when he got back into his own body, he felt so much worse. He stared vacantly into his video diary with Grace giving him a long, hard look from over his shoulder as he just tried to come to terms with what just happened to him. He gave in, after a full two minutes of silently staring, just rubbing at his eyes, mumbling that he couldn't do this, before shutting it off and leaving for the night.
He laid in his bed, the room pitch black with the curtains pulled and the blinds down on the window, wanted to wallow in his sorrow. He felt empty. Or maybe wrung out is a better way of looking at it. Like a rag that has been devested of all of its water. He was a version of himself, yet not a good one. One that wasn't useful. Not that he ever thought of himself as useful. But he felt less than. He felt like he was losing so much more than he was ever prepared to lose and he's not even sure what that means. How that was. He didn't have anything more now than he ever did before. Except, maybe feeling in his body, but that seemed different somehow. Like a reality he could accept. Jake had always strived to numb himself - from pain and fear - and to now be unable to feel anything - physical - at all felt deserving in a way. Like wishing on a lamp, and the genie is cruel enough to give him exactly what he asked for.
He was trapped, he was starting to realize. A prisoner in his own body. His flesh and muscle and bones acted like bars in a cage. In both bodies, they were unfit for him. Nothing worked anymore - at least, not as they should - and yet he was yoyoed back and forth between two prison identical in the only way that mattered. They were made for him, and yet neither fit him.
And while he dreaded it again the following day, completely disheartened by this whole thing, he was pleasantly surprised when he went back into his avatar to feel that once again, his skin didn't hurt as much as it did the day before. Naturally he was getting more and more used to it as the days went on, but he still recognized that it bothered him. He couldn't help it, though. This feeling that was slowly growing in his chest. And while it didn't feel like when he was back in his old body, before the seizure, it still felt... different.
But he could tell that it was better. Like noticeably better than before. And hope bloomed in the cage around his heart that maybe, just maybe, something would go in his favor. He didn't dare whisper it aloud, though, not willing to breathe life into a reality that could be taken from him if it escaped his mind through his lips.
He was tentatively more hopeful and Tsu'tey seemed to notice. He didn't ask this time, but maybe that was because Jake's mood was a bit more uplifted than it had been the last few days and he didn't want Jake to think about anything that could bring him down once more. Or maybe he thought it was better to leave well enough alone. Either way, Jake followed Tsu'tey around the forest, going high up into the trees to jumping down to massive leaves near the forest floor. And while Jake wasn't scared of the heights or the jumping, the air and the leaves just brushing up his entire body was way too stimulating and after the third or fourth time, Jake had to ask Tsu'tey for them to stop. At least for now. While normally the sensitivity isn't so bad - at least not enough for him to be unable to ignore it - this hurt. Actually hurt, so he didn't want to do it anymore. Tsu'tey understood and they moved on without fuss, to Jake's immense relief.
Had they done this earlier, when Jake's skin was much more sensitive, he's not sure he would have been able to do it more than once. And that's not guaranteeing that the shock wouldn't have been enough for him to let go of the first frond and just fall to the death of the avatar.
How would it feel for the avatar to die while Jake was still attached to it? Would he be able to survive the feeling? Would he jolt awake in the pod? Or would the shock be too much for him? Would it hurt? Or would it simply be a sharp black out and then nothing? Would it be peaceful?
No. That's... that's a very scary thought.
They said their usual goodbyes and Jake was livelier during his video diary with Grace hovering closely behind him, tentatively looking him more than she wasn't. He hadn't the words to talk about seeing Eywa the day that it happened. He had been so overwhelmed by the experience that he carried the feeling of belonging and contentment back to his real body, but it was so foreign to him that he hadn't known how to put it into words.
Today he could. At least, in part.
"I hit a low. A bad low a few days ago. It happens sometimes. For no reason. I learned how to deal with this feeling when it comes. Keep to myself. Just try to make it through it. I don't usually know I'm out of it until I'm back in it, but this was my first time hitting one of my lows on Pandora." Grace stares with a frown on her lips, no longer pretending that she wasn't just staring at him.
"Jake," Grace calls out softly, when he doesn't immediately continue, not sure how he wanted to proceed from there. "Do you feel like that often?"
Jake shrugs, not meeting Grace's eyes, even through the screen of the computer that is in front of him. "I don't know. But the Omatikaya helped me. They made me feel better. I'm... grateful."
"Good," Grace says after a protracted silence, yet there was something in her expression, her posture - the way it was pinched, or how her hands knuckled on the desk before her. "I'm glad they helped make you feel better."
Jake looks down at the table in front of him. "It usually takes a lot longer to pull myself out of it, I think. I can't usually tell, but I do feel... lighter. Maybe better. I don't know." It was hard to talk about these things. It felt like he didn't know the right words to make it make sense. But he knew how it made him feel. He remembers clearly this beautiful, wordless feeling that he got from her. The Great Mother. Why she gave it to him, he has no idea, but maybe this is why the Na'vi believe in her. How they feel so connected to her.
Maybe Jake understands a little bit more now than he did before.
He didn't say much else on the matter, just going through bullet point to bullet point of the last few days before calling it a night. He wasn't sure how to talk about what had happened at the tree that connected him to the Na'vi's goddess. How for a moment, everything seemed as though it finally made sense. That he found this connection, far beyond bone deep with this planet. Like somehow, it had been with him all this time. Like, maybe, somehow, She had been with him this whole time. It doesn't feel like it should be. But it also feels like he was crazy for thinking that there was any other truth other than that.
Grace offered that she was always there if he wanted to talk, which was a strange thing to offer as Jake never wants to talk, but he nodded regardless and went to his room. He had a bit of the snacks in his drawers, munching on a few handfuls of trail mix before showering, brushing his teeth and going to bed.
"You doing alright, son?"
Jake, who was finally able to focus on his work for the first time in days, looks up from the pile he's organizing to glance over at Quaritch. He managed to get a few hours of sleep the night before, still waking long before he realistically should, but he used this time instead of lounging, waiting for the precise time to do anything of value, to sit at his desk and stare out the window. From this angle, he could see a part of the fence surrounding Hell's Gate, near to the spot that he had met Tsu'tey out by, those few weeks ago. He can see the bright blue sky with the gas giant Polyphemus as the backdrop to the scene with the tops to the massive trees of Pandora sitting just at the forefront.
He's not sure how long he was sitting there staring, before is alarm went off, but by the time it did, he was somehow... rested. He was relaxed, just lounging back in his chair. Although he's not a stranger to sleep - even if it is intermittent - he doesn't remember a time he's ever really relaxed. Where he's just found himself in a static state just... taking int he world around him. He never did it on Earth. He was always so afraid of what was coming next. And Pandora had been so new that he never really stopped to actually take it in.
It was... different. New. Breath-taking. Peaceful.
Beautiful.
Jake blinks, realizing that Quaritch was waiting for him to say something. "Yes, sir."
Quaritch's lip curls around bit in a hesitant smile. "At least you're talking today." His eyes track across Jake's face, as if searching for something.
Jake blinks again, confused, before realizing what he meant. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." He hears his nail lightly rubbing against the desk. He pulls his hands to his lap to force himself to stop that.
Quaritch waves his hand dismissively as he climbs to his feet and walks around his desk. Leaning back against it with his ankles and arms crossed, the perfect relaxed posture that Jake could never in a million years replicate with such ease. "Don't be sorry, Jacob. It just seems like you were having a bad last couple of days. How are you doing now?"
Jake nods, turning in his seat to look at the spot over the older man's shoulder, flickering briefly to meet his eyes before looking away again. "I'm sorry. I get like that sometimes. I'm fine now."
Quaritch nods slowly, eyeing him closely. He waits for a moment, giving Jake the opportunity to add anything more if he would like, but Jake stays silent. "Okay. You just let me know if you need anything. Anything at all, Jacob. You just let me know. I got you, son. No matter what. We gotta stick together, alright?"
Jake nods, lowering his gaze to lightly finger at a bruise on his wrist that he doesn't remember seeing before. "Okay," he says quietly, trying to decipher this feeling in his chest. "Thank you, sir."
"I'll help you, Jacob. You understand?" Quaritch says, his voice soft. "Day or night, rain or shine. I've got you."
Jake nods again, a strange weight in his chest making it hard to breathe. He swallows a few times around the lump in his throat, still not able to meet the older man's gaze. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
"Any time, son."
Jake opens his eyes in the hanging pod in Hometree where he went to bed the night before. It's afternoon as usual but everything about today is anything but usual.
He climbs up onto the platform and sits on his legs, taking a moment to looks at his hands, running them against one another, then down to his thighs, marveling the otherness of sensation that doesn't hurt. And he just... takes a moment to feel it. His skin is a little sensitive, simply because it's not used to sensation, but it doesn't hurt anymore.
The realization is a wild one. It makes his heart gallop in his chest.
He runs his hands along his arms, his face, the hard bones of his sternum, his ribs, his stomach, thighs. Sensitive, but not nearly as bad. And the more he does it, the longer he goes, the more it seems to settle. The less that it hurts until it just feels... normal. Something that he isn't accustomed to in this body but can remember what it was like in his real one. It has been fading, more and more, until it was the ghost of a memory. Simple sensation without pain, sensitivity, or - in his human body - a cavernous numbness. It's like he's been teleported back in time to when his skin wasn't rebelling against him in both bodies he inhabits.
He has to... he needs to tell... he needs Tsu'tey.
Jake's spine stiffens as he looks around, trying to remember what Tsu'tey had told him about today. Something about him possibly being a little late because he was going to be collecting some herbs after classes. Yeah, that sounds right. Jake moves to his feet, shifting his weight a bit until the tingling sensation is abated and he feels a foreign, but tentative excitement swirling in his chest. He makes for the spiral to lead down to the floor of Hometree, going from fast walking to running, as each step sends a pulse of uncomfortable sensation up his legs, duller and duller until it's completely gone.
The faster Jake goes, the more excited he becomes. He sort of remembered where Tsu'tey said he would be. Thankfully his feet didn't need his brain to guide him. All he could think about was Tsu'tey. He needed to find and tell Tsu'tey.
He slides past the Omatikaya that are wandering around, not meeting anyone's eyes as he heads into the forest, following the invisible paths that he's been going down with Tsu'tey for the last few days. With the Omatikaya in mind, he just sort of travels through the forest, having a sense of where he needs to go in order to find the other teen. After a few minutes, pushing through foliage and underbrush coming to a stop by a small river, he spots Tsu'tey sitting at the bank, carefully gathering moss into a small sack on his side. Okay, so not an herb.
Semantics.
Tsu'tey's ear twitches, no doubt catching Jake's heaving breaths and his noisy stomping through the forest. He turns on the balls of his feet to tilt his head at the sight of Jake stumbling to a stop a few feet from him, a smile spreading over his lips. His tail flicks behind him as Jake moves closer and lowers to his knees in front of the older teen, reaching out for his face, this overwhelming urge to just touch. To feel some kind of connection with another person, something he hasn't had in a long time. Something, he perhaps has never had outside of only one person. The other half of him.
Tsu'tey puts the bag to the side as Jake wars with himself. Should he touch? Should he be the one to cross that threshold? Something he's never done before. Even with Tommy he rarely ever reaches out of his own accord to touch him - and never has it been like this. Even with Connor it was different. He was nervous, certainly, but this was different. This wasn't just nerves. This was something much more intense. He feels this strong emotion coil inside of him like a snake, striking hard against his ribcage, demanding to be let out.
"Hello, Jake," Tsu'tey says, smiling as his fingers reach up to run along Jake's arms. His touch is just the slightest hint of a feather so lightly running over the avatar's skin. So softly. So gently. Something with the very tips of his fingers across Jake's skin in both respect and reverence. How he's always treated Jake. He doesn't know that Jake's skin doesn't hurt anymore, and so he touches so softly. So delicately.
"It doesn't hurt, Tsu'tey," Jake says, voice shaking as he scoots close enough to feel the heat of Tsu'tey's body against his own. Finally, he touches the Na'vi's face, first with the tips of his fingers, then carefully cradling his cheeks in Jake's palms, just relishing in the rush of simply feeling. It felt foreign, like his brain didn't know how to accurately compute the feeling of another person's skin against his own.
Tsu'tey blinks in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"My skin, it doesn't hurt," Jake murmurs, pressing his hands a little firmer onto Tsu'tey's cheeks. His skin is tingling, but not in a bad way. He can feel Tsu'tey's cheeks, his ears, the smooth skin of his jaw and along the shaved sides of his head. He can feel the beaded braids that framed one side of the Na'vi's face gently run across the back of Jake's hand with every slightly twitch of his head. It was intense, but real. And there was still no pain. Thinking that, Jake could feel a tension in his chest snap as the weight of it pressed in on him.
He's touching another person, and not only can he actually feel it, but it doesn't hurt.
Tsu'tey's expression brightens as he lifts his eyes to meet Jake's. "No? Really? No pain?" His tail curls again as he shifts from the balls of his feet down to his knees so that they are pressed just barely against Jake's.
Jake nods, pressing closer. The heat of Tsu'tey's body. His skin against Jake's. It's surreal. It's wonderful.
"Can I touch you?" Tsu'tey asks, tail flicking again. Jake nods, swallowing thickly.
There is apprehension in his gut, but also a zing of excitement that travels up his spine. He's scared, but he's also relieved. Tsu'tey is here. He's with Jake. He would never hurt Jake.
Tsu'tey's hands slide up Jake's arms, going from elbows to shoulders to his back before palming his shoulder blades. Still so gentle, so feather-light, ready to pull away if the touch is too firm. Jake shivers, but presses into the feeling, bowing is back out just enough for Tsu'tey to get the picture. He flattens his hands along Jake's back, sliding slowly over his ribs, then down to his waist, thumbs curling around the front of his body rubbing at his belly in small, soothing circles. And it feels... amazing. It's scary, but he can't pull away. He pulls closer, instead, sliding his hands down Tsu'tey's neck and over his shoulders, moving closer until he's completely wrapped around the older teen.
He's not sure how it happened, but Jake finds himself resting, chest to chest, with the older teen, laying his cheek on Tsu'tey's shoulder, feeling the Omatikaya's hands on his thighs, pulling Jake up onto his lap and holding him tightly. His fingers press into Jake's skin, making it tingle, but still not in a bad way. He warms up, burying his face into Tsu'tey's neck, trying to get used to this feeling. He's scared; scared to be this close to another person like he is, but also scared to let him go. What if he does and his ability to feel normally goes away with him? It's silly, rationally he knows, but then again, he has no idea how he lost his ability to feel in the first place - how a seizure did that.
Jake lets out a shaky sigh, feeling Tsu'tey's gentle hands running up and down his back as Jake rests against the Omatikaya, this tension in his body loosening up and he feels... safe. Tsu'tey has always been able to make him feel better despite the little bit of fear that always follows any and all interactions that Jake has with others. He's thankful that as the time goes on, he feels more and more secure with Tsu'tey. Less afraid as they get closer. As Jake becomes more and more sure that Tsu'tey wouldn't ever hurt him - no matter what.
"What makes this so?" Tsu'tey asks, one arm wrapped around Jake's back, holding onto the opposite hip, while the other runs up and down the length of his spine. The sensation makes his skin prickle up at the feeling and he shivers again, curling as close to the other teen as he can.
"I don't know," Jake murmurs softly. Tsu'tey tilts his head slightly to better hear him. "It happened when I went to... to the tree with you, Mo'at and Eytukan."
"Utraya Mokri," Tsu'tey reminds him gently. Jake nods, not in the mood to butcher that word. He pulls his face from Tsu'tey's neck to rest his cheek on his own arm, watching as atokirina float around them, one lowering onto his palm as he holds it out in offering. The skin along his arm lights up and in the distance, at the edge of hearing, he can hear Eywa's heartbeat. He can feel it like each pulse pushes the blood through his own veins. As if they were connected.
"The Great Mother heals," Tsu'tey says, placing a kiss onto Jake's shoulder, making the avatar shiver. This feeling is new. Tsu'tey's arms around him doesn't feel like a cage, it feels like a safety net. He's comfortable here, appreciative to the other teen for helping to make him feel this way. Jake never feels this way and for as strange as it is, like a dehydrated man in the desert, Jake is terrified to lose this thing. This feeling. This safety. Jake squeezes his thighs against Tsu'tey's, his toes digging into the dirt. He was sitting on both his legs and Tsu'tey's thighs, too scared to put all his weight on the other, but Tsu'tey doesn't seem to mind, just holding him close.
"She helped me, Tsu'tey," Jake murmurs, watching as the atokirina bounces around on his palm before fluttering up and spinning away into the sky. "Why would she do that?" It was all still so confusing. Why was she doing all of this?
Tsu'tey hums, holding him tightly and pressing another kiss to his shoulder that makes Jake shiver and squeeze Tsu'tey closer to him. "You are loved, Jake," Tsu'tey says softly.
Jake frowns at that, finding it hard to believe, but he doesn't have the strength to argue. He just wants to soak in this moment. In this strange feeling where fear and apprehension just bleed from his pores, and he's left feeling content and unafraid. And it's a strange feeling that Jake has never had with someone else before. No one else except Tommy.
Jake lets out a slow breath, closing his eyes and finally, finally, letting his body relax - as much as it could, which is more than he has in a long time, if ever.
"Ma Jake," Tsu'tey's voice is soft, hand running up and down Jake's back, pulling him out of his doze. "Can't sleep here."
"I'm sorry," Jake murmurs, rubbing his face as he pulls back.
Once his hands fall to his sides, Tsu'tey leans forward to press his forehead to Jake's, smiling gently. "Not sorry. Just not here. Forest floor is only safe in certain places."
Jake nods, moving to his feet, listening to the sounds of his hips, knees and ankles cracking at the movement. He goes up onto his tip-toes and stretches as far as he can, letting the rest of his body pop and release pressure. Tsu'tey scoops up his bag, placing it on his side before climbing up to his feet as well. He gives Jake a long look that makes Jake's stomach flutter a bit, watching as Tsu'tey gently brushes Jake's braids over his shoulder and down his back.
"Have you told Tsahik?" Tsu'tey asks, gently running his fingers down Jake's arm, as if as enraptured by Jake's skin as Jake is. "About this?"
Jake shakes his head. "No. I wanted to tell you first." And it was true. He couldn't think of anyone other than Tsu'tey. The thought makes his skin flush, and he looks away, even though Tsu'tey doesn't look angry. In fact, his expression is bright as he leans forward and presses his forehead to Jake's, leaning forward and kissing his nose.
"We go. Back to Hometree." Jake nods, letting Tsu'tey take his hand and guide him back to the clan. His tail is twirling back in forth in a happiness that Jake doesn't understand. He just quietly watches the slightly older teen just hums the tune to a song Jake doesn't know. There is a pep in Tsu'tey's step as they follow the path back to the Omatikaya clan's home.
While Tsu'tey went to drop off his gathered moss to his mother, Jake went to find Mo'at. She was in her hut on the lowest level of Hometree. She is thankfully alone as he steps into the space. Mo'at looks up at him as he enters, smiling at the sight of him. She waves him closer when he paused at the entranceway.
"Tsu'tey is dropping something off at his family's hut," Jake says, feeling like he has to explain himself and his unplanned visit. "He'll be here soon."
Mo'at tilts her head, staring at him with wise, ageless golden eyes. "Oh? Is he now?"
Jake nods, shuffling a bit, anxiously. He had been so relaxed earlier, but now he's tense again. It was like waking up from a dream, except he's not fully convinced that he's awake yet. She waits a moment before making another motion for him to come closer. Embarrassed, he does. Jake curls up small, knees to chest, with his hands crossed at his ankles.
"I... came into this body earlier and it doesn't hurt," he says, unprompted.
Mo'at blinks, surprised by the information. She looks down his body, following the length of Jake's arms from shoulder to hand. Her tail flicks as she reaches forward. She doesn't touch his skin but instead runs her fingers over the space just above it. If he had hair on these arms, she would brush over them. She smiles, letting her hands rest on the dirt next to Jake's feet. "You are healing, JakeSuli."
"Tsu'tey said the same thing," Jake murmurs.
Mo'at nods. "He is right. The Great Mother loves you, JakeSuli. She heals you more and more each day." She fans her hands over him again but still doesn't meet his skin with her own.
Jake's tail twirls a bit, relieved that she wasn't touching him. Despite his skin no longer being sensitive, he wasn't super comfortable with physical contact on the regular. What happened earlier with Tsu'tey, that wasn't... that wasn't normal for him. Thinking back on it now, he's deeply embarrassed about what he'd done, hoping that Tsu'tey didn't think less of him for his actions. He didn't seem upset, but Jake's never done that before. He wanted so badly to just not be so unsure about everything, but nothing seems right. No matter what, he's always going to wonder what was the next thing to go wrong. What was the next thing that he was going to do that was disrespectful or untoward.
But thinking about her words... it was strange. No one has ever loved him before. And yet this isn't the first time that he's been told that the Na'vi deity loved him. And still, it doesn't make any sense. Why would she care about him, let alone love him? Why would she love him when no one else does? When no one has ever loved him?
Even his own mother didn't love him. How could she? He killed her.
Movement catches his eye. Jake glances up to see another atokirina lower down onto his knee, and he feels a bit of relief washing through him. His shoulders sag a bit and before he can stop himself, he asks Mo'at quietly, "Why does she love me?"
Mo'at tilts her head, watching him closely. "Who? The Great Mother?" Jake nods. She smiles more. "Why would she not? There is so much to love about you, JakeSuli."
Jake jolts, surprised to hear those words. How could she say that? She certainly doesn't mean it, does she? No, that... that's impossible. But this intense pressure swells in his chest as he stares at her, trying to organize these complex feelings when something in his expression must have belayed the war he was waging on the inside, because she leans forward, using the back of her pointer finger to push one of his dangling braids out of his eye with the gentlest look on her face. A foreign look that is usually never sent his way.
Still, she doesn't touch his skin. And he's so relieved.
"Oh JakeSuli," Mo'at says softly. She places one of her hands across her chest. "My heart hurts for the pain you are in. But never wonder, not even a little, where you belong." She leans forward to catch his faltering gaze. Her voice, her presence, it's all so stable, so strong, like she's unmoving before a hurricane. Somehow, the immense heat in his eyes is clouding his vision. "You are Omatikaya, JakeSuli. You are where you belong."