DISCLAIMER: Obviously, I don't own any of the characters in Harry Potter or anything belonging to Harry Potter World; it belongs to the one and only creator, J.K. Rowling.

~~AM~~

Entry Forty-One

February 11, 2001

Today was a tiring day, and Blaise showed up around noon. I sat on the sofa and pushed toward the window, still in my silk nightgown and robe. I heard a light knock, and the door creaked open. I turned my head to see Blaise standing at my door. I got up, ran to him, and jumped into his embrace. Behind him was Fenrir. Blaise put me down, came into my room, and asked what was so important that he had to come out to the middle of nowhere. I told Blaise the thing was that I needed to go somewhere else and then be here. I am causing too much stress for Fenrir's pregnant partner. Fenrir jumped out, got upset, and asked what that meant. So, I went and told Fenrir, okay, the thing is, sometimes I get into what I can call it, my magical core becomes unstable. During those times, it was tough to get out of it. The reason I wanted Blaise here is because I am scared. I am frightened I am going to put your baby in danger; I am afraid of it because what if you can't handle it? What if you cannot bring me back to reality? What if I have a night terror so bad that I cannot snap back into reality? I am full of anxiety and paranoia because I don't know when I will have an episode.

Fenrir just looked at me like I was crazy. I wanted to slap him for looking at me the way he was, so full of confusion. It was overwhelming when I told him I couldn't stay there because I felt I was being expected to be someone I was not. Fenrir being the most fantastic argumentative asshole he can be, started to try to talk about the good points of his partner and why I can't give her a chance. I looked at Blaise, pleading to help, but he folded his arms. I started to get a headache and pinched the bridge of my nose. I notice Blaise watching me more intently and Fenrir yapping about how I am being distant and awkward. At that point, I was getting upset because he was not listening to me and looking at the bigger picture. I understand his wanting to continue this because he agreed with my husband, but it's not like Blaise is some stranger or doesn't know what is happening. I was so fed up; who does he think he is? So I yanked off my robe and showed him my scars and chains. I shouted to him, look at me. Look at these damn things on me. Look at all these damn scars because of them. I am unstable; I am unstable to the point I could put your life, your partner's, and your unborn baby's life in danger. What part of that do you not understand? What part of that is hard to comprehend? I am not trying to be difficult, I am not trying to be a bitch, nor am I not trying to get you to pay attention to me. I asked them to let me have my meals in my room, to be left alone, and to let me be. But not. All I have been getting is nonsense about being distant and awkward. If I wasn't so fucked up mentally, emotionally, physically, and magically, yeah, I totally would be involved, attentive, and outgoing. It just isn't that way. So, I told Fenrir, I am not the girl you first met. I am not the same girl who was at Hogwarts. I am not the same girl a year and a half ago; I am in the most fucked era of my life.

My head started throbbing during my rant, and I guess I got a bloody nose because Blaise came right over and pulled his handkerchief and wiped it. I sat down because I was getting dizzy. I finally asked Blaise if I could stay with him and Pansy. I know Theo was worried about what happened the last time, but I have my cabin in Sweden, so we can stay there. Fenrir then had to say, "Well, Theo will not like this." Like yes, of course, he isn't going to like it. It was like literally going in circles. In the middle of our shouting match, a clash of dishes breaking on the floor pulled us out of our stupor. There, Kerri stood at the door looking right at me. With big saucers for eyes and asked why I was dressed the way I was dressed, that's when I looked down. I was in a silk ivory color nightgown with some lace, no bra, my robe was on the floor, and I had blood smeared on my face. I looked down and saw blood stains on the front of my nightgown. My hair was down, covering the scars on my back. Blaise picked up my robe and put it on my shoulders. To make matters worse, my nipples were hard and poking through. It didn't bother me, but it didn't improve the situation. Then it became why you are dressing like this; you are married, and these men have spouses. Like, excuse me. I glared at her and looked right at Fenrir; please do something. Then I begged Blaise; he said he would see if he could contact Theo through their communication and would let me know in the morning. Fenrir stood there looking at me, and I did not know what to say. I am sorry, but I told you my reasons, and I think I am better off with Blaise. I know you and Theo mean well, but this doesn't work out. I don't know when my husband will return, and I emphasized my husband. Fenrir looked defeated and turned to tend to his partner. I turned and tied my robe, and Kerri just had to say, I like your jewelry. The chain looks like a dainty chain link necklace that rests right above my clavicle; right in the middle, where my clavicle meets, is another long chain that connects to a chain around my waist. Then, from my waist, on both sides, is another long chain that runs down to chains around my ankles. Then, another set of chains is from the side of my neck, down my shoulders, to my elbows, and down my forearm to my wrist.

I didn't say anything to her; I just clinched my jaw, and I guess I was clenching so hard that Blaise had to pull my hair to get my attention. This worked because I turned to look at him, and he just shook his head. Fenrir saw that and asked what was wrong. I just shook my head, completely drained. I stood in front of Blaise as he fussed over getting my face cleaned up, and I just felt intense, staring at the back of my head and hearing the door close. Blaise said he would say goodbye and be back with the news tomorrow.

I thought that would be the end of it and call it a night, but nope. It wasn't. The shit hit the fan when Fenrir came back, and it was after 11 or so. I was getting things ready, washing up and brushing my hair, and ensuring I was covered up more since I was around men with spouses. It was senseless; he came barging in, all pissed up shit creek, asking why I was so chummy with Blaise and why I had to go. Honestly, he did not even hear me out. I just sat there like a mute while he was yelling around. I did not have the energy for this. Then, I finally stood up and slapped him across the face; he was shocked and looked at me. I just asked if you were going to listen to me now. I explained why, and Blaise is my best friend, brother, and Draco. Do you know why my husband didn't want me to return to Blaise's home? It is because we were in town, all of us, Blaise, Pansy, Theo, and I when George Wesley came appearing out of nowhere trying to fucking take me with him. That is why it's not about trusting Blaise or Pansy or both, and it's because that scared the shit out of Theo. I have these chains on for a reason: I don't do magic, and when my magic is idling, it starts to seep and become unstable. Then, all hell breaks loose after that, and it's not pretty. I care about you and love you, and I would no way in hell put you or your unborn baby in danger because I know what my crazy ass is capable of. I would not be able to live with myself knowing I put you and your family in danger. I don't know what you and Theo were thinking about making plans for me when you did not even consider your pregnant lady. You guys are both idiots. I just told him to stop, and I no longer want to stress out. He said he understood and left. I'm so exhausted.

Exhausted Mrs. Nott