He pressed his thumb to the buzzer outside the door. After a few seconds he heard some vague shuffling, the snick of a lock disengaging, and then the door opened.
Her brown eyes which he was used to seeing gaze at him warmly were reserved. They pierced straight into his blue ones and he wondered what she could be thinking. "James, what are you doing here?" Again her tone was polite, not quite steely. Still her voice lilted over his name like it always had, and something stirred within him.
He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, "Mara, hi. Can I - can I come in?" Despite every version of this reunion he had rehearsed in his head, this first part was always clumsy, awkward.
She opened the door to her apartment a bit wider and gestured for him to come inside. "Shoes off, please" she said politely. As he stepped in and began to slide his shoes off, he took in the sight of her - there were lines around her eyes he didn't remember, a weariness about her that spoke of the time that had passed between them. But she was still clearly the Mara in his memories - her eyes still large and round, and even in the loose sweater and joggers she wore he could see the same soft curves. Her brown hair hung loose and fell down her back. It was longer than he remembered and he felt the sudden yearning to run his fingers through it, but had to remind himself that those days were long past.
She walked further into the apartment and he followed, she led him into the kitchen and she gestured again towards a stool. He looked around and quickly assessed what he could see - the kitchen was free of clutter and had a smattering of appliances across the counters, and it led into a living area that told a similar story - everything in its place. It fit with the meticulous Mara he knew but it was missing some of the quirky Mara he had fallen in love with. There were no half-read books left spine-up or dirty dishes strewn about after a working late into the night, things he always considered signatures of her Wakandan apartment.
He didn't know what to say - how to begin. It seemed like she didn't either, she busied herself reaching into a cabinet and grabbing two glasses. She poured water in both of them and slid one towards him. She locked eyes with him once again, and broke the silence, with unexpected bluntness, "I'm not used to seeing you with two arms."
Bucky couldn't help but laugh, but he cut himself off roughly. "Yeah…yeah I guess you aren't," he replied, then berated himself internally for saying something so inane. He picked up the glass and took a small sip, the cold water felt sharp going past the lump in his throat. "I got your address from Sam," he began roughly, "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."
He started to recite the speech he had gone over in his mind dozens of times. "Mara, I've been making amends to people I wronged when I was the Winter Soldier." Mara held his gaze with the same guarded look on her face. He continued. "It - it's something this shrink they assigned me as part of my pardon is having me do. I have a list of people written in this notebook and I've been trying to get through all of them. I've crossed everyone off the list, but then I realized there was another person - you."
Now she blinked and broke eye contact with him. She looked out the large window overlooking her balcony, and he saw her lower lip quiver slightly. Her fingers tightened around the glass she held. He kept going, "Mara, I didn't wrong you when I was the Winter Soldier. I did that all by myself, as James Bucky Barnes. I came here to apologize-"
"Apologize?" She broke her silence with a scoff and looked at him once more. Her lips were downturned and her face spoke of flat out irritation. "James, are you serious right now? You think you can come here and apologize after everything that's happened between us? Like saying the right words will somehow fix it?"
"Mara, I don't know what else to say," Bucky tried to backtrack.
Mara put the glass down on the counter and wrapped her fingers tightly around back of the bar stool he wasn't sitting on. "You disappeared for five years. Five long years where I had to look for you, then accept that you were gone, then grieve you. I stayed in Wakanda for a couple years but my funding had dried up and I couldn't bear to round every corner and be reminded of you and then remember that I'd never have you again. So I didn't bother to apply for a new grant and I moved back here."
She had tears in her eyes now, and with them he saw the anguish, the pain that had made him nervous to come here at all. She took a few steps away from him and grabbed a tissue. Bucky's heart clenched and he wished he could reach out and wipe her tears, hold her, apologize again, take away her hurt.
She was partially turned away from Bucky as she continued, not wanting him to see her cry. "I spent so long being angry with you for leaving me, and then I felt foolish for being angry when it wasn't even your fault. And then imagine my relief when we found out that everyone who was gone had come back - that the impossible had happened. I didn't reach out to anyone in Wakanda because I knew things were chaotic, but I was waiting, hoping to hear from you."
"Mara, please" Bucky pleaded, knowing what came next, selfishly not wanting to hear her version of one of his greatest regrets. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"You have a strange way of showing it," Mara retorted, her voice catching. "What were you thinking when you called me?"
Bucky licked his lips, "When we came back from being…blipped, it was like no time had passed at all. One second we were defeated and the next moment it was five years later and we had to keep fighting after we thought we had lost."
"Then there was the mess of getting the world back in order. I was still in Wakanda and Shuri mentioned you had moved back to New Jersey. I was going to reach out and then Steve told me he was planning to leave."
Mara turned her head towards him and her brow furrowed. Her eyes still shone with tears and her hands were balled into little fists. "What do you mean, leave?" she asked.
Bucky waved his hand vaguely, "It's complicated, I can tell you more about it later, but all that matters is Steve was leaving and not coming back. And he deserved to go. He fought so hard to bring everyone back and he gave up so much, I couldn't possibly ask him to stay. But Steve was the closest thing to family I had, and I was about to lose him. I was confused when I called you. I knew it had been five years and I didn't want to hold you back, just like I didn't want to hold Steve back."
The memory of that phone call, raw and painful, slammed into her.
She had been sitting at home watching TV when the call had come through. She fumbled with the remote to mute the TV as she raised her phone to her ear. "Hello?"
"Mara?" Bucky's voice came through the receiver and Mara's stomach and heart switched places inside her.
"James," her voice came out in a near gasp, "is it really you?"
"Yes - yes it's me. I'm okay."
"Okay?" That was it? She felt a flicker of disappointment but then remembered that he had just been through an ordeal. "Are you in Wakanda? Are you hurt?"
"Yes…I'm in Wakanda. I'm not hurt. Tony Stark died, and Natasha Romanoff. Some others I don't know as well. I'm still understanding everything that happened. All this time passed for everyone else but it was like a moment for me."
Mara nodded in understanding, even though Bucky couldn't see her. She could hear in his voice that he was having a hard time and she tried to soften her voice as she spoke next, "Yeah, I imagine it's pretty confusing. I can't believe I'm talking to you right now. I, um, had to leave Wakanda a few years ago because my contract ended." She felt the need to explain why she was so far away. "I'm back in the states now."
There was a brief silence as Bucky didn't immediately respond. After everything that happened, being thrown back into another battle that was actually two battles, he didn't know how to tell her what he really needed from her - what he knew was too much to ask.
He had to settle for reality - that Mara had survived this long without him and that he was still the same person he had always been. Damaged, dangerous, all wrong for her. "I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm okay," he said. "I have to go, they're doing this celebration dinner here and…I have to go."
"Oh," the relief at hearing from him started to replace itself with hurt.
"Take care, Mara," and the line went silent.
Mara tried to imagine herself in Bucky's shoes. Told that the world had shifted five years in a matter of seconds. Thrown into yet another battle. Then dealing with the most important person in your life telling you they're leaving. But no, could that be right? Steve was the most important person in Bucky's life, yes - but did that mean Mara didn't matter? That couldn't be right.
"So you panicked that Steve was leaving, and you decided-what? That if he could leave you, it was okay for you to leave me? That doesn't make sense!"
Bucky ran a hand across the rough stubble on his face, "I know, I know it doesn't make sense. I - I can't justify it. Getting dusted was like… it was like being taken out of cryo again. One day I'm waking up next to you in Wakanda and everything is calm and beautiful and perfect. Then I get called into battle and aliens fall from the sky and then I blink and I'm told that you've lived a whole part of your life without me."
"I didn't ask to spend five years without you!" Losing her will to fight the tears, she buried her face in her hands and let out a wretched sob. She then took a deep breath and wiped her dripping nose before looking back at him with those tear-glazed eyes. "James, you broke my heart when Thanos took you. And I know, I know you didn't do it on purpose, that you had no choice. Like you've had no choice about so many things that have happened to you. I tried to move on, to learn how to be without you, but it was never the same." She took a shaky breath and wiped her tears again. "But then you came back and you broke my heart all over again when you didn't come for me when you could have. That hurt me more than anything else."
Her voice was soft as she spoke next, "I'm looking at you right now and I don't even know what to feel. Angry at you, hurt by you, but even with all that, more than anything, I still love you." Mara collapsed on the sofa next to her, pulling her knees towards her chest and curling into herself before beginning to sob in earnest. He stood up and took a hesitant step towards her. He had never seen her in such a state of devastation before and the fact that he alone had been the one to inflict this on her only deepened his own self-loathing. He crossed the few steps from the kitchen area to where she sat on her sofa and he sat down near her. He slowly, softly, placed his flesh hand at the crook of her elbow. She stiffened at his touch but after a moment she leaned into him slightly. "Mar, please don't cry," he pleaded. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her huddled form close to him.
Her warm tears soaked through his shirt. He traced small circles on her back, his cold metal hand a contrast to her warmth. He buried his nose in her hair, taking in the familiar scent of the citrus shampoo she favored. He ran his fingers through it like he wanted to earlier - still soft and silky like he remembered. Despite everything he couldn't help but feel revel in the feeling of her in his arms, knowing this was where he belonged.
Her trembling gradually subsided and then the sobs quieted too. She stayed in his arms and continued to sniffle softly, her breath warm on his neck. Cautiously, he shifted and pressed a soft kiss to her hair. She turned her face up towards him, her eyes rimmed with red and her lashes matted together from her tears. He still thought she was utterly beautiful, but Bucky needed to focus right now. He took her slender hands in his own calloused and metal ones and told her the truth.
"Wakanda was the first calm I'd had in nearly a century, the first time I could try and heal. I knew I was broken as a man in every way I could be. But you looked at me like I was nothing short of complete." He brought one of her hands to his mouth and gave it a light kiss, a chill went through her as felt his stubble against her knuckles. "I fell in love with you for it, and with your smile and your laugh, with how you would try and cook me American food, how you were happy to sit under the stars with me and say nothing at all. I think about all the good things that happened to me in Wakanda and all of them are tied up with you."
"Then why did you push me away after you came back?" Mara asked hoarsely. The anger was gone, replaced by the need to understand.
Bucky took a long breath before replying, "You only ever knew a version of me that wasn't in some kind of war. You met me as a one-armed rehab patient, and I was always afraid of you seeing the part of me that was...the Winter Solider."
Mara went to say something but he pressed two fingers softly to her lips to stop her. "When they gave me the new arm and told me the fight was coming, I realized there's always going to be another battle, another person or place that needs protecting. I thought that after leaving you for five years I had put you through enough already, that you deserved better than the life of violence I can offer you." He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes so that he could get the next part out, "And I think…I was afraid that you had moved on without me. I didn't know how to ask if you would have me back."
Mara's heart softened. She reached out, her fingers tracing the line of his jaw. How could she have forgotten just how vulnerable this man was? "James," his name came out like a prayer, her breath mingling with his. She cupped his cheek in her hand, "you deserve to be happy too. You always had the right to ask. You're a good man, James Bucky Barnes. I want to be with you, no matter what that means. I wish I didn't have to remind you so often."
It wasn't the first time Mara had told him this, and he doubted he would ever fully believe her, but each time she said it he felt slightly more like a person and less a weapon. He would always be broken, yes, but Mara seemed perfectly content to piece him back together.
Mara squeezed his metal hand lightly and drew his attention back to her. She let out a deep breath and moistened her lips. "I'm still hurt by what you did," she whispered. "But….are you going to stay?" She asked the question almost shyly and looked down. She absently started to rub at his shirt where she had soaked it with her tears.
He took his flesh hand and used it to gently turn her face back up to his. "Yes Mara, as long as you'll have me," he responded confidently, unashamed. He looked into her brown eyes and swore to himself, not for the first time, that he would become worthy of her love. "I'm staying."
A/N: Woowww, it's been a long time since I've written any fanfiction. I've had this idea in my head for a couple weeks about Bucky meeting someone while he is in Wakanda and how that relationship might be different from someone he met during his Winter Solider years. This story takes place after TFATWS and tries to explore more of the difficult feelings Bucky was having post-blip.