All I Want For Christmas – Chapter 6
So, that was it, Nathan thought as he closed the door to the small sitting room where he had met with Grace Thornton. He had told her what he had found and when pushed by her reluctantly stated how he thought she should proceed. Now it was up to her to decide what she did with the information and he just prayed that it would bring some sort of peace and resolution, not just to her but the whole family. There remained, however, a small fear lingering in his mind that some things may not be forgiven.
Needing some time on his own he walked along to the end of the hallway where a set of french doors looked out over the terrace. Around the balustrades gas lights shone onto the fresh snow that had been falling since they returned from skating, each one casting an ethereal glow against the backdrop of shadowy trees.
He found it soothing looking out at a scene of such tranquility, something so pure and untouched. Maybe this was just what his soul needed right now and perhaps, just perhaps, this gathering of the family was a desideratum for them all. Was Christmas going to perform a miracle? Heal the pain and mend the division that had caused each one of them hurt over the years? Today seemed to be pointing in that direction.
The afternoon had been a great success and certainly a necessity for the children to burn off some of their pent up energy. Then the journey home had been a delight, seeing their faces brighten with wonder at the sight of all the Christmas trees and decorations, some of the bigger mansions having lit up the length of their driveways to welcome guests.
Smaller houses had trees shining bright in their windows, brightly coloured strings of lights turning them into rainbow trees as little Felicity had called them. In other windows nativity displays could be seen, symbolising the true meaning of the season, and silhouetted by the lights were scenes of families coming together as they prepared to celebrate this coming day that was so important to all of them.
After a few moments he heard footsteps and turned to see Wilson, the butler, hurrying along towards the door he had recently exited, clearly in answer to a summons. When he came back out a few minutes later he wondered if Elizabeth and her sisters were being asked to join their mother but he hoped that first Grace would spend time talking with her husband. He deserved to know the truth and she needed to listen to what he had to say.
Not wanting to get caught up in the midst of whatever was about to happen he made his way along to the drawing room where he knew Tom Thornton was spending some time with Little Jack before the boy had to get ready for bed. He hoped they wouldn't mind him joining them as he had only spoken briefly to the man when they were introduced at the pond so now seemed a good time to get to know him a bit. Besides, he felt it prudent to leave Elizabeth alone until after she had spoken with her mother for fear that he would let slip something from the conversation he had just had. He would be there beside her when the time was right but for now this was something between Grace Thornton and her daughters.
After being reassured that afternoon, first by Elizabeth and then Grace, that he was indeed very welcome to stay with them until the trains were running once more Tom had excused himself saying that he would make his way to the house shortly. Nathan guessed that he had gone on a hurried mission to buy gifts for all those with whom he would be celebrating tomorrow, in particular the children.
Upon entering the room the first thing Nathan noticed was the similarity between Little Jack and his uncle. It was there in the way they each held their head as they studied the album in front of them. Then when they looked up to see who had come in the smiles that greeted him were almost identical. There was no mistaking the shared blood between the two.
Little Jack leapt down from the chair, running across the room to jump into his arms.
"Daddy! I'm having the best time with Uncle Tom. He's been showing me pictures of Daddy Jack and has told me lots of stories about when they were little boys like me."
Barely pausing for breath he continued, "You know I do love Allie but it would be so much better if I had a brother too! Do you think you and mummy could give me one? I heard Aunt Viola say that it's time you had a baby of your own and it would be so good if it was a boy!"
Finally he stopped and Nathan felt himself blush. Then as Tom began to laugh so did he and giving Little Jack a kiss on the cheek he answered, "Well we'll have to see what we can do about that won't we."
Clapping his hands together Little Jack shouted out "Yippee" before wriggling out of Nathan's arms and heading for the door. "I'm going to tell Allie that we're getting a brother."
Before Nathan could move he was gone and they could hear him chirping cheerily to himself as he ran up the stairs.
"I think you may have just given him the best birthday present ever" Tom said laughing loudly, "although he will be rather disappointed when he finds out it isn't true after a while."
He stopped when he saw the expression on Nathan's face and his voice suddenly became serious, "Or is it?"
Nathan knew there was no point in lying so with a half smile and a shrug he answered. "Guilty! Although we were hoping to keep it a secret until after Christmas. We have some other things to deal with and didn't want to overshadow everything going in with this news. Can I ask you to keep this to yourself for now?"
Tom nodded, moving forward to put his arm on Nathan's shoulder. "Of course, my lips are sealed. In fact Elizabeth needn't know that I know."
The look on Nathan's face was that of a small boy who knew he was in trouble and Tom couldn't help but laugh again. "Although, now that the cat is out of the bag you may have trouble putting it back in."
With a sigh of resignation Nathan just nodded in reply as he wondered if he should go straight up to tell Elizabeth. This was not the plan they had for announcing any of their news, let alone this, and he wasn't sure he was ready for the reactions it may bring.
Grace Thornton knew that this was a defining moment in her life and she was scared. How easy it would be to just go on in the same way, even if it meant continuing to suffer the scorn she sometimes felt from her daughters and be forced to keep the same habitual distance from the man she loved.
As she paced up and down in her sitting room she wondered if she could forget all the things she had been taught growing up. Showing one's emotions was definitely not allowed and she had lost track of the number of times as a child she had gone to bed in tears as she longed for comfort from someone, anyone, but knew none would be forthcoming. Eventually in her teenage years she had made a vow that she would build a barrier to protect herself and never let any person get too close.
Then she had met John and everything changed.
Now she found herself more nervous than she could remember being since the night her father had told her his decision. At the time she had been devastated, knowing that she had no choice but to acquiesce to his demands. The fact that he made her promise never to tell anyone about it didn't matter, the only person she wanted to speak to was gone and she was alone.
She heard the sound of William's shoes on the carpet outside and realised that he must be wondering what this was about. Would he accept what she had to say in his usual respectful manner or would he be angry at the deception she had perpetrated all these years. She was about to find out.
Hurriedly she sat down, picking up the sampler that had been discarded on the table beside her chair as she tried to look calm and relaxed. When the door opened and she saw her husband's face she knew he was expecting it to be something bad. She could only hope that in the end he would understand that although she couldn't change the past this was her way of creating an honest future for them.
"You wanted to see me my dear? Are you feeling okay?"
William tried to keep his voice gentle and calm, as though this was perfectly normal, but inside he sensed that something unusual was happening. It was unlike his wife to request his presence like this as everything they had to say to each other was usually dealt with in conversation at either the breakfast or luncheon table. Family or household matters were never discussed at dinner and therefore this must concern something that couldn't wait until the morning.
She waited until he was seated opposite her before beginning to speak and then her words came slowly.
"I need to talk to you about the past, William. About when you and I got married. Actually, about what happened before then."
He stayed silent, patiently waiting as he could see she was struggling to get the words right in her mind before she spoke them out loud, understanding that she needed to do this.
"There was a man I loved. His name was John Peterson and he was a Mountie."
William nodded, keeping his eyes steady and fixed on her, willing her to continue.
"I was 17 and he was amongst a group of Mounties given the job of protecting our family after some threats were made to my father. Somehow he always found himself guarding me and over time we grew close."
She looked at her husband, trying to gauge his reaction to her words but his face remained impassive.
"Eventually we would sneak time together when he was not on duty, when we could be ourselves without other people around us. I guess it was all very romantic in the way things are when you are young."
She gave a half smile and William wondered if she was remembering those times and the way she felt when she was with him. What he wouldn't give to have engendered such emotion in this woman whom he had loved since the day he first saw her.
"One day we were caught together." At the sad look on his face she quickly added, "There was nothing indecent, everything between us was always very proper. But, of course, other people don't always see things that way. Word immediately got back to my parents and my father was furious. I was locked in my room until he was ready to deal with me, which was a few days later. No-one came near me in that time except a maid who brought food and I had no idea what was happening."
William could only imagine how alone and frightened she must have been and the temptation to reach over to give her comfort was almost too much for him to resist. But he knew that he had to let her continue, to finish telling her story. Then he would tell her his.
"Eventually I was summoned to his study. My mother wasn't even there to give me any hope or support, it was just him and me. He told me that John had been sent away and that he had made sure that I would never be able to find out where. That didn't surprise me but I was confident that once I reached maturity I would be able to find him. That he would be waiting and we could be together."
She paused to look at her husband again, trying to guess what reaction he was having to this news. He stayed still, just nodding for her to go on.
"But that wasn't all. He then informed me that in order to save my reputation, to stop any gossip, he had arranged for me to be married to a young man from another wealthy family. One whose union with our own would create the largest shipping dynasty in the country."
Standing up she walked across to the bureau, picking up and placing back objects without really seeing them as she tried to find the right words for what was to come. With her back to him she didn't have to watch the hurt she knew her next disclosure would cause him.
"I remember racking my brain trying to think who, as I was sure I mixed with all the eligible young men in town. My father knew this and actually laughed at me, saying that it was no use thinking I could persuade him not to agree as this man was different to those I was used to socialising with. I remember his words, he is a merchant seaman, someone who has a much more worldly view of life and he won't put up with a young woman's fanciful nonsense. He'll be the making of you Grace. In that moment I knew I had lost but made my mind up to hate the man, whomever he may be."
William put his head down, almost in shame, as for the first time ever he could understand the pain she must have gone through. Nothing of this had been said to him when the marriage was suggested and while it was true he spent some years away at sea it was always with the intention that he would one day take over the company. He wasn't a hardened mariner like those around him. His father before him had done the same for it was his belief that you needed to understand every aspect of what was involved in a business to truly know what was required. It had bred success for those before him and he had been willing to do the same.
As his time to settle down had arrived it seemed only natural to take a wife and as a man who hadn't spent much time in the drawing rooms of society he was glad when this union was proposed for he knew he lacked some of the skills required to attract a young women himself. But the minute he had seen Grace his heart had been lost to her. It may take time, he had told himself, but I will make it my mission to have her love me back. If only he had known how impossible that was to be.
Now he needed to save his wife from any more pain for he knew she would feel the need to explain things further.
"I knew about your Mountie, Grace. Not from the very beginning but soon after. Staff talk and don't realise who is listening. But I didn't realise how you truly felt, I just knew that you didn't love me."
His words were finally her undoing and tears slipped down her face as she looked imploringly at her husband, hoping that he would find some way to forgive her.
"That's the thing William. I do love you, I have for many years. I just haven't known how to let go of the past and tell you until now."