CHAPTER 20 – MOTHERS.
A/N - Big shout of thanks to SamFanFirst for helping flesh out the Shelby insights and mother-daughter focus in this chapter! I apologize to anyone who thinks I may have been losing sight of the Rachel-Shelby-ness of the story; it's been a running undercurrent the whole time, but our poor sweet Rachel has just not been ready to allow the woman to get any closer yet. Tides are starting to turn though - and Rachel's mental status is also still kind of a bag of cats. Also, I was missing KURT a little bit so I corrected that problem too. This chap is a little bit of a filler, but the next chapter is nearly finished and shouldn't take very long to get out - and a heads up for the next chap, BE PREPARED, the darkness is coming.
Shelby had gone home from lunch at Carole Hummel's house pleased with herself and the events of the day for the most part. She knew it was a risk – inviting Rachel out to meet Sandra – and an even bigger risk to include Beth in the conversation, at least at this rather early stage of their still-delicate friable relationship. Still, she wanted to prove to Rachel that she was taking this second chance at being a presence in her life seriously and intended for it to be permanent. She wanted to include the teen in her family life and hoped that the invite helped to convey that intent.
She hoped she hadn't brought up the idea of introducing the girl to Beth too soon. Rachel still seemed uneasy at even just the mention of the almost one-year old's name, but Shelby felt like maybe a group outing was a better way to introduce the two, the more the merrier. Hopefully Rachel would be more inclined to spend time with the both of them in a group rather than one on one and it would take some of the pressure off both of them.
For all the time Shelby had been spending at the Berry house, conversations with Rachel were still often an awkward struggle. They had very little shared experiences to inspire a dialogue and the few overlaps they'd had ranged from strained and painful to downright horrifying and traumatic. True, they have many common interests, but even those topics seemed to be off limits now in light of the trauma Rachel was still dealing with. Musicals and theater would be the easiest thing on earth for them to connect through, but at least for now that subject was completely on lockdown.
Even once they got into discussions where more than two or three complete sentences were strung together, the teen was apt to simply shut down or walk away unceremoniously when the wrong question or words were spoken and there was really nothing Shelby could say or do about it.
It stung more than a little each time, watching her oldest (and only biological) child walk away from her. She imagined that was karma and her deserved penance after the door she slammed in her face last year. She wanted so desperately to find a way to build that missing connection with her oldest daughter. Yes, Shelby had Beth, and they would grow to have that deep familiar bond over time, but it wouldn't ever be the same. Looking at Rachel was like looking at a mirror's reflection. Shelby would always love Beth as her own, but there was something deeper tying her to Rachel just from having carried her in her womb for nine months that would never be quite the same with Beth, and it still felt like a missing piece of her heart walking away each time Rachel turned her back on her.
Shelby was learning from her own therapist to cut herself a break for her shortcomings as a parent. The complicated dynamics that she and Rachel were facing were a monumental hurdle to get over and Rome wasn't built in a day. She'd done her best to be a good mother by assuring the people she gave her child over to were responsible, loving, and capable of providing a good life for her. And whether it was a legal arrangement or not, Rachel still was half hers, and she will always be Rachel's mother even if she never gets the privilege of being her daughter's mom.
She had spent numerous hours and many sleepless nights regretting pushing Rachel away the prior year. She had a rather strained relationship with her own father and that probably contributed a little bit to the decisions she'd made in her life up until this point – including the decision to be the Berry men's surrogate.
Her father was a stern man who didn't support Broadway as a career path and she'd fought fiercely with her parents over the subject for her entire high school career. Sandra, being the baby of the family and four years her junior, was one of the only true supporters Shelby had in following her dreams. It broke her heart to leave her sister behind to head off to New York to pursue her dream career. She wished she'd known when she left home that there would really be no coming back, but as it turns out, Mr. Corcoran was pretty true to his word when he said he'd disown her if she left.
When things got rough for Shelby financially and emotionally while trying to make it on her own in such a cutthroat industry that truly afforded so few breaks to up and coming starlets, the Berry men seemed almost like an answered prayer. She was one missed rent payment from homelessness at the time, and they were a lovely couple who were offering to pay her well. True, she'd had to put her career plans on hold for the better part of a year, but that had given her time to reformulate a new gameplan. And with the Berry's support she was able to take a few extra singing and acting classes. They even had a few industry friends who helped her get an agent.
Those early years in New York were so difficult though, even with the extra support from the Berrys. She'd struggled to get her first chorus role off Broadway and even come up against men that could EASILY have been a Richard Ellis, but Shelby was fortunate enough to have made a few friends who helped steer her away from the predators and also to teach her to recognize them and how to hold her own ground.
Rachel clearly was never afforded those luxuries. She never had that type of mentor to guide her, and as her mother she couldn't help but feel like she'd let the girl down. That should have been her job to teach Rachel those things. If even one person in this cast had kept an eye out for Rachel, maybe this Richard Ellis nightmare would have never happened. Her daughter shouldn't be suffering like this now. Maybe if Shelby hadn't agreed to the no contact part of the surrogacy contract, she would have had the chance to show her what to look out for. In her darker moments, she blamed LeRoy and Hiram for letting this happen on their watch – or lack thereof, really.
She knew the men worked long hours and were often gone on overnight business trips, leaving Rachel to fend for herself. Much of this she'd only learned about in the little time she and Rachel spent together last year. And while Rachel is a very smart, levelheaded girl and certainly capable of surviving on her own, she shouldn't have had to essentially raise herself. And she absolutely shouldn't have had to learn the hard way not to be so naive and trusting around people like Richard Ellis.
For that matter, she even let herself be angry that Rachel, at the tender age of 16, was allowed not only to be cast in this role of such a mature play, but to be left to her own devices through weeks of rehearsals while traveling such a long distance so frequently. Shelby was sometimes even angry with Jesse for dragging Rachel into this viper's nest and for not paying better attention to what was happening.
But she tried hard not to assign blame to Rachel's fathers, or Jesse, or the theater company, or even herself... She knew the real blame was the monster himself. Richard was cunning and crafty and managed to get away with the worst, most vile acts. He was a pedophile and a predator, and she hoped he rotted in prison for the rest of his natural life then spent eternity in hell.
Even if he received the death penalty, it wouldn't be enough; justice alone wasn't going to help Rachel now. Shelby wanted nothing more than to take all the girl's –her girl's – pain away, not just from this recent trauma but from the lifetime of trauma she now realizes Rachel suffered without a mother in her life.
Even while reflecting on her own regrets and missteps, Shelby was grateful for Carole Hummel. At least her daughter had someone to lean on that was like a mother figure to the girl in her own absence. But she still wanted to show Rachel that, while she couldn't change the past, she could at least try to make the future better for them both. She just needed Rachel to give her that little bit of trust and take a small leap of faith to help them move forward. And if she had to do it one step at a time with a group lunch date here and a spa day there over whatever period of time it took for Rachel to open up to her, sobeit. Shelby could be patient. She'd already spent what felt like a lifetime waiting for Rachel. She'd wait a lifetime more if that's what it took. She just hoped Rachel would finally agree to getting some help before things got any worse for her.
It was a dreary Tuesday afternoon, gloomy and gray out with rain forecasted. Rachel and Finn opted to enjoy their lunch hour alone together in the quiet of the choir room. Sometimes a few other Gleeks would join them, but today they were on their own.
The couple hadn't discussed their last intimate evening together or how Rachel had been feeling ever since, but she'd had another topic bubbling under the surface since that night which she wanted to bring up.
"Finn, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure babe, you know you can always ask me anything. What's up?"
Rachel poked at her fruit salad with her fork, skewering a chunk of cantaloupe. "It may seem odd to ask now, but... why you're going to therapy?"
Finn's brow pinched in thought as he swallowed the large bite of the triple decker BLT he'd been chewing. He took a sip of his lime Gatorade to wash it down before answering. "Uh, well y'know, at first I guess I went because Mom thought it was the best thing for me. I wasn't real sure how I felt about it in the beginning. But I mean, it's only once a week. And now I don't mind going. . . I think I kinda like it sometimes, actually."
"Are you still having bad dreams?"
Finn was reluctant to lay his trauma on her, so he tried to avoid telling her too much about his difficulties. She had enough of her own issues to contend with, and he never wanted to add to her struggles or make her feel guilty about anything – which she tended to do anyway. "Sometimes, yeah."
"Like, really bad dreams? Dreams about me, and what you saw?"
He was a little shocked she was bringing this up, especially at school. Then again, they only had a limited amount of time for lunch before their next classes would separate them for the remainder of the day and this wasn't the best place to have a deep dive discussion. He thought maybe that's exactly why she was bringing this subject up now.
Finn nodded slowly in answer to her question, but added, "But sometimes they're more about me beating the shit out of the bastard. Sometimes... sometimes he doesn't live."
"Oh, Finn!" she gasped "I'm– I - I had no idea you carried that kind of weight. Why didn't you ever mention it to me?" she placed a hand on his thigh and squeezed gently.
"Rach, you've had more than enough on your mind, I just didn't wanna dump my stuff on you too."
Rachel thought about that for a beat. It broke her heart to think he felt he needed to keep things from her. He's not wrong though, she's certainly been wrapped up in her own little (huge) misery bubble and been relatively oblivious to what's been happening in the lives of the people around her.
Honestly, it was all she could do to get herself out of bed and functional most days. After expending so much mental energy on trying to tamp down her own demons while maintaining her facade of normalcy and assuring everyone around her that she was fine, she really couldn't bother herself to notice anyone else's struggles.
She felt even more guilty now realizing she'd been inadvertently neglecting her loving, kind-hearted boyfriend, who'd been so attentive to her, who was literally her white knight and slayed the dragon to save her... And he didn't feel like he could even talk to her about the things he was dealing with in the aftermath. She was supposed to be his best friend, and he didn't feel like he could tell her things. It hurt her to think about that.
"You still could have told me. I'm sorry, Finn. I should have asked you about your feelings sooner. You've spent all this time since Columbus caring for me and helping get past my injuries and I never once asked how you were doing after everything that happened that day. You're still my best friend, not just my boyfriend, and I should be there for you the way you've been there for me."
"Hey, seriously Rach, it's fine. Don't even sweat it, babe. I probably wouldn't have told you even if you had asked sooner."
"But... Why not?"
"Baby, you were still too hurt. I don't need to pile on to what you're already dealing with. I'd hate myself for making you worry more than you already do. That's another reason I don't mind talking to Dr Bob."
"No. It's not okay, Finn, not at all. I should be paying better attention to you, you shouldn't only have Dr Bob to lean on."
"I don't though. I know you're here if I really you. I have Mom too. And if I get really desperate there's always Kurt," he chuckled.
Rachel grinned, knowing Finn was just trying to keep things upbeat despite this heavy subject matter. "Yes, I guess you'd have to be pretty desperate to turn to Kurt, wouldn't you?" Finn laughed as she grew more sombre. "So...do you think he's really helping you? Dr Bob that is – not Kurt."
Finn shrugged one shoulder and popped a few Doritos in his mouth. "Yeah, I think so... I mean, I just think it's been good to have someone to talk to about...stuff. Someone who doesn't know us on such a personal level and doesn't have any skin in the game, y'know? Like, he doesn't have um, what's the word, like his own game plan or ideas about what I should be feeling about certain things."
"You mean he doesn't have a personal agenda?"
"Yeah that's it. He's just, like, a disinterested third party, or whatever. An outsider. At first it was kinda weird, y'know, talking to a stranger like that. But he's a pretty cool dude, and he can be funny too. He likes to tell knock knock jokes to 'break the ice' as he put it. But like, you know what I mean, you've seen Dr Rubikscube for a long time, right?"
She giggled. "Yes Finn, I've seen Dr Rubenstein for years. But that's just because I grew up with two gay dads, no mother, and an exceptional talent that most people couldn't appreciate which created a whole host of anxiety issues I needed to vent. But I remember the first few appointments, and I know what you mean, how weird it is telling your secrets to a stranger. But you're right, it's also kind of nice, too." Without looking up she quietly commented, "So I guess you've talked about Columbus a lot with Dr Bob."
His eyes met hers briefly and he decided to be cautious with his words. As much as Finn was still processing the things he experienced in Columbus that day, he knew Rachel hadn't even begun to process hers, and she could be easily triggered if he said the wrong things. He'd seen it enough at home already when he or her dads sometimes stuck their foot in their mouths. Her dads especially seemed to say the wrong things as much as they tried not to, but in their defense, almost EVERYTHING was a landmine to navigate around her sometimes due to her mood swings.
"Sure. But I mean, that isn't the only thing we talk about," he said softly and reached for her hand. "'Course, there's plenty of other stuff still scrambled up in my head. Stuff about my dad, and then Mom getting remarried and my new home life. Then there's all the stuff from last year, like the baby and all that. The crap with Quinn and Puck... and... y'know, there's all the stuff with you and me. It's been kinda nice to vent some of it to Dr Bob and feels like breathing again sometimes to let it out. Just to be able to say some of this stuff out loud to someone who I know won't judge me and tell me I'm an idiot."
Rachel seemed unexpectedly surprised; her boyfriend seemed to have far many more issues weighing him down that she realized. Maybe it did make sense for him to be in therapy even if this situation with Ellis hadn't happened, but she seemed to take offense anyway that he felt he couldn't talk to her too and quickly replied "You know I don't judge you, Finn. You can always talk to me too, about anything... and I'd never call you an idiot. You know that, right?"
He wanted to tell her it was hard for him to talk to her about Columbus since she had never yet opened the floor to that particular topic, and he didn't want to be the first one to bring it up. Especially since she'd still been refusing to seek help to cope with her trauma.
Sure, his experience that day was completely different than hers, but their shared experience was tangled up in all the torture she'd suffered for weeks, so it was a loaded subject. Thanks to Dr Bob, he'd learned a lot about sexual assault and the impact it can have, and Finn decided he would leave that subject off the table until she brought it up first.
But he also didn't want her to think he was purposefully avoiding talking to her because he didn't trust her or didn't want to share his feelings with her. It was a fine line and he had to tread it carefully.
"Sure, yeah, I know that, babe. But... I dunno. It's still kinda nice to have a guy's perspective, too. My mom's awesome and I talk to her about pretty much everything, just like I do with you... But sometimes I wish my dad was still alive. I'd probably want to be talking to him about all this stuff. That's not the cards I was dealt though. And Burt's cool, but I don't think I can talk to him about everything yet."
"You don't feel like you can trust Burt?"
"Oh no, it's not that, it's just... It's still kinda awkward with him, y'know? Like, too new. Since we all moved in together and the wedding, it's just been different at home."
"I wish I could have been there to help you through all of that transition Finn. I'm sorry I messed things up so badly between us... That couldn't have been easy for you, leaving your childhood home to move into a strange new place. I broke us just you needed me most."
"Rachel," Finn breathed and leaned over to cup her cheek in his large palm. "Don't, okay? You made a mistake, then I made a bigger one by breaking up with you. You not being around for that part of things was just as much on me as it was on you."
Rachel leaned in and kissed him sweetly on the lips. "I'm still sorry."
"It's okay. We're better now right?" Finn said, still holding her face and stroking his thumb across her cheek.
"Yes, we are. And I'm sorry for interrupting. You were talking about Burt and how things were hard to transition after the wedding?"
"Oh yeah. It's just been a little weird. We're all still figuring each other out. Burt's a cool guy and becoming a really good friend, but he's still KURT'S dad, not mine. Maybe someday he'll be that guy to me, but right now it just feels kinda... weird."
"Burt loves you, you know. So does Kurt. He's told me how glad he is that you two are brothers."
"Yeah, I know. Me too. And Burt makes mom so happy, so I'm grateful for him, and I love him and Kurt, but it's not the same as the feeling you have from like, growing up with someone from day one, y'know what I mean?"
Rachel nodded. "Yes. Well, that is, I think I do... of course, I only have Shelby as my comparison and I certainly don't live with her, nor do I feel nearly as close to her as you've already become with Burt and Kurt, but I suppose I understand what you mean."
He rested a large hand on her shoulder gingerly and gave a little squeeze. "I'm glad you're still trying with your mom, Rach. I'm proud of you for that. I know it's hard for you after what happened with her last year. But I think in the long run you'll be happier if you two can work things out. I'd give ANYTHING to have a chance to get to know my dad for real, even if it didn't go the way I always imagined him in my head. I know me wishing for my dad isn't exactly the same as what you're going through with your mom, but... but as long as she's around, you two still have the time to try and fix it. You have possibilities at least, which is more than I'll ever get."
Rachel couldn't help the pang of guilt that shot through her from hearing his words. Finn was right; he'd never have the opportunity to truly know his father. Yet here Rachel was, with this woman who gave birth to her right there offering another chance to have what Finn couldn't, and Rachel was still spending so much energy avoiding and resenting her.
But not all parents are GOOD parents, she reminded herself. Not all parents are deserving of that kind of unconditional love and trust. Shelby had already proven that much last year, and as much as a part of Rachel still wanted things to work with her mother, she couldn't help but remain guarded around her. Once bitten twice shy, she supposed.
For Finn's sake though, and for the possibilities of having what he couldn't, Rachel decided she would try a little harder in the future. So far it seemed as if Shelby wasn't going anywhere any time soon, so maybe she really meant what she said about wanting them to have a real relationship this time. Maybe it wasn't even all due to the monster and the Columbus incident... maybe Shelby felt something more than pity for her.
Rachel decided to pivot away from the subject of her mother. Right now she wanted to focus on her boyfriend. "Dr Bob must be really leaving an impression on you. You seem... different somehow since you've been seeing him."
Finn sweet half smile appeared, flashing a dimple at her. "Do I? Different how? Good different I hope?"
"Yeah, I think very good different," she answered with a small smile, bumping her knee against his.
He knew it was a risky question to ask, but it felt right given the direction this conversation had taken. "Good to know. So um... Are you, are you maybe rethinking things, about seeing your doctor? You think you uh, might wanna talk about this stuff with her? Y'know, about what happened in Columbus..."
Rachel sighed. It always seemed to come back to this subject with the people closest to her. "I don't know. I still don't see a point to it for myself. I'm glad it's helping you, Finn. But I'm perfectly fine and my life is returning to normal, albeit more gradual than I'd prefer. I just wondered about you and whether you really thought it was beneficial. I'm still so sorry you saw what you did, Finn. I'm sorry you had to do what you did and are suffering bad dreams now because of it. And I'm so sorry I hurt you like that... again."
"Rach? What are you– you have nothing to be apologizing for. And what do you mean, you hurt me again? You didn't hurt me at all, babe. Well, okay, maybe it did hurt a little bit to know that you couldn't tell me what was happening to you... but I'm not mad or anything."
Rachel frowned in protest. "But I did hurt you, Finn. I made choices that led you to that theater that day, and it ultimately landed you in therapy. It was bad enough I'd hurt you all those months ago, then this situation occurred and I've been neglecting you ever since... You're in therapy now because of me. You're having nightmares because of me. I'm a terrible girlfriend."
He shook his head almost violently in protest. "No, no you're not... you're a terrific girlfriend. The best one ever, in my opinion." He lowered his voice and leaned a little closer to her. "Look, Rach, I know you're still feeling like things are your fault. I know you wanna blame yourself for alotta this stuff, and I really wish you wouldn't, but I know I can't control that. I just... I just need you to understand that I really love you, Rachel. And I hate to think you feel the way you do sometimes when you really shouldn't. None of this crap was your fault, babe."
Her fierce brown eyes met his warm cinnamon ones, almost pleading for him to understand. "If I hadn't gone back there, he wouldn't have had a chance to do anything more. So YES, Finn, some of it is my fault. I really hate that even you can't understand or accept that."
Finn wanted to protest more, wanted to tell her the things his mom and Dr Bob both explained about grooming and conditioning, things he'd been learning about after what happened to Rachel. He wanted to ask Rachel questions about the things that son of a bitch had said to her. But Finn wasn't a doctor and he was afraid to say the wrong things that might trigger her. He didn't want to upset her or start a fight, especially not while they were at school.
Instead, he leaned over and dropped a kiss on top of her head. "It's hard for me to blame you for anything, Rach. When someone does something to hurt my girlfriend, all I wanna do is protect her. Like I said before, I haven't always done my best for you in that area, so I can understand how you might doubt me when I say these things now... maybe you'll believe me again some day when I earn your trust back."
Rachel looked incredulously at her sweet, earnest boyfriend and felt even more shameful. He thinks she doesn't TRUST him? "Finn! But I do trust you, isn't that obvious?"
"Babe I know you trust me about a lot of things, but I think I did too many things wrong in the past that maybe you're not completely over whether you even realize it or not. For a long time I didn't realize MY OWN mistakes and how things I did could've hurt you so much, like when I broke up with you over the Puck thing. But I get it now though. Benefits of talking to Dr Bob. He's been helping me sort out things and see things differently. So yeah...I still feel like I have some work to do to make it up to you for the past. Like even for last year's crap, y'know?"
Rachel rested a hand on Finn's thigh. "You've more than made up for anything you may have done wrong in the past, Finn. Yes, you did hurt me, deeply, but we're well beyond that now. Just like when I hurt you. But we've forgiven each other for those things. Please don't feel burdened by events from last year... we've matured and learned from those mistakes. We both could have done things differently and been better to each other."
"Yeah. Maybe... like I coulda just let myself love you sooner and broke up with Quinn before the baby drama ever happened. Or I coulda not bothered with ANY other girls when you were the only one I really wanted all along."
Rachel smiled at her boyfriend as the bell rang signaling the end of their lunch period. "I love you," she said quietly and leaned over to kiss him sweetly on the lips.
"Love you too, Rach. Always have, always will."
After her day spent with Shelby and Carole, Rachel went through the rest of that week on autopilot, feeling more robot than human.
Having started yet another day waking from yet another nightmare, she knew she had to dig deeper to find a way to move past that hell. Her failed attempt at self-help sex with Finn in hopes of stopping the nightmares still weighed heavily on her mind. She'd be embarrassed by her actions if that was still an emotion she was capable of, but all her dignity and humility seemed to have died in a theater in Columbus.
Deep down, she knows Finn was right. It was far too much to ask of him, to just have sex with her in that way. She was honestly surprised he gave in to that last little request she made of him – and now that he had, she realized it didn't really help either. The bad dreams still plagued her every night. But at least she and Finn shared an experience together that maybe helped him feel like he was taking proper care of her; helping her in any small way always seemed to help him feel better too. Maybe they just needed more time together, more intimacy, and eventually it would help them both.
Rachel wanted so much to just be Finn's sweet, innocent girl again and not this trashy, hollowed out shell of a being she felt herself becoming. She wanted to feel all the butterflies and have all the hope and anticipation that a blossoming romance brings – and they were still there, only fewer and farther between and to a much lesser degree. Those feelings of butterflies were more muted and numbed by the heaviness of regret and shame as time passed by.
She knew it was probably wishful thinking to ever expect to have a normal, healthy sex life someday, least of all with Finn. He had witnessed the monster doing his worst to her and had his own nightmares to contend with now as a result. THAT was all her fault, too; she'd permanently damaged the boy she loves with her selfishness and stupidity. He was the collateral damage of her reckless ambition. By rights, he should hate her now.
Well, he may not hate her, but maybe somewhere underneath it all, she couldn't shake the certain feeling he was repulsed by the idea of being with her, or thought she was just too broken now. Too much baggage. Dirty, used slut. Rachel knows he couldn't possibly ever see her in the same way again after what he witnessed, but Finn was too chivalrous to simply walk away. Who marries and starts a family with a girl capable of this kind of despicable behavior? The dirty skank who fucked her way into a leading role was not the girl who won the prince or the Tony awards in all those fairy tales.
After all, Finn was first drawn to her for her talent, her determination, her unimpeachable morals, and upstanding character. She was still as pure and clean as the driven snow back then, bright and shining and full of verve and hope, and righteous to a fault perhaps. His walking, talking gold star, he'd called her once. The prospect of being intimate together with Finn back then was perfect, romantic, and idyllic.
In her perfect daydreams, they'd lay down on a silken duvet covered in rose petals, soft music and candlelight setting the scene. He'd treat her like fine china and be the most attentive, careful lover; the event would have been sheer bliss, heaven on earth for both of them and they'd bask in the afterglow and pledge their eternal love to one another.
Now, she was just this tarnished, scuffed up, used mess. Sloppy seconds. The center of all the hot gossip at school, the butt of every sexually charged joke. She had been innocent, naive, quirky, and driven before. Now, she was weathered and worn, like a favorite pair of old shoes that were buried in a closet for a long time. Battered and abused with cracks in the once supple exterior. The insoles have peeled away and the heels worn paper thin. They've become stiff and ugly and trying to wear them now just feels uncomfortable.
That's all she was now: Finn's favorite pair of old shoes. He hung onto them for sentimental reasons, wishing they still felt shiny and new. He could try to polish and clean them up but they would never be the same again.
As she dressed for the day in dark wash jeans and an oversized charcoal and black paisley shirt, she sighed at the strange girl in the mirror. Rachel needed to push her thoughts of Finn aside and prepare for yet another curtain call: her Ladies Lunch outing with Shelby and Carole.
While Shelby and Rachel had been making some progress (if tolerating more than ten minutes at a time alone with the woman could be considered progress), Rachel still had no real interest in spending one-on-one time with her.
The remnant feelings of rejection from last year still stung even more than the lifetime of her mother's absence had. There were days when she wished she'd never found the woman at all. At least that way her mom would have remained this idealized fantasy full of hope and possibilities.
Rachel was grateful that Carole was coming along for this outing; at least she'd have a buffer between them for the day. And meeting Beth and Sandra was really the last thing she wanted to do, but she took the entire day as an improv acting camp.
She'd go to the mall, paint on a fake smile, awkwardly hold the child borne of her arch nemesis, exchange a little smalltalk with a stranger that she was supposedly related to, eat some sushi, and come home to try and forget it all while watching another car chase or superhero movie with Finn. (Maybe they could watch Platoon or Black Hawk Down. War movies were working their way into the lineup now, and Full Metal Jacket proved to be a film she could somehow relate to in ways that probably should have disturbed her more than it did.)
Maybe she'd pretend to like the new summer clothes Shelby picks out for Beth in the Kids R Us, or compliment Carole on the color of the blouse she asks her opinion on at Sears. Perhaps she'll wander into a Barnes and Noble and allow this new 'Aunt' person to tell her all about her favorite romance novel while she browses through the biography section.
. . . . .
After a few hours of trudging around the mall, the small battalion of women stopped for lunch at the food court. It hadn't been so bad, moving from store to store, window shopping. Rachel was easily able to separate herself from the group periodically, to feign interest browsing the clothing racks and jewelry displays without too much interaction. She'd been reading Sun Tzu's The Art of War in her free time. One of her takeaways was to know your enemy. Another was the art of deception. If she appeared to be enjoying herself, she'd blend in better and avoid too much confrontation. Rachel could be a chameleon if needed, and the vast expanse of retail jungle around her was the perfect hiding place.
But now they were sitting down in a more focused conversational scenario. The real heat of battle was about to begin; she knew she'd need to keep her acting skills at the ready – especially when Shelby surprised her with her opening salvo.
"Rachel, I'd love to treat you to a mani-pedi day. Maybe we can go together, just the two of us, perhaps the day before prom?" Shelby asked hopefully, pulling Rachel out of her thoughts.
"Prom?" Aunt Sandra chirped excitedly. "Oh you have a prom coming up soon? How exciting! I loved my prom, it was all so dreamy and romantic... Do tell, where is it, when is it, who's the lucky boy? More importantly, what color is your dress?"
Aunt Sandra smiled like a Cheshire cat, waiting expectantly for a response to her machine gun style offering of questions. Rachel swallowed her bite of California roll slowly (she figured today could be a vegan cheat day since she'd probably need the extra protein to make it through), nodding as enthusiastically as she could manage.
"Yes, um, my boyfriend – Finn, Carole's son – is really excited about it. It's um, it's just a junior prom, at our high school gymnasium. Nothing too fancy. I haven't actually picked my dress yet, but I think we're going with a classic Hollywood black and white combo."
Yes, black and white. Finn was the light and the only reason Rachel suggested the contrasting shades; she'd just as easily go in all black (or not go at all). And the two colors mixed together made gray – the new metaphor for her life. She guessed she could thank Richard Ellis for stripping all the color and gold stars from her universe.
Carole chuckled, "Well, that explains why Finn's been asking me about top hats and tails, and whether he'd look too Willy Wonka in them."
After a round of lighthearted laughter, Shelby got serious. "Rachel, you mean you haven't chosen a dress yet?! Oh, honey, we've been wasting our time here when we should be dress shopping!"
"Um.. N-no.. I'm not really–"
"Oh, Rachel, please let me? I'll even buy the dress for you! Sweetie, I know I've missed out on so many things in your life, but... well, I'd really like to be even a small part of this one experience with you." Shelby knew she sounded a little desperate, but she honestly wanted to do this with her daughter. She would accept any experience the girl would grant, even shopping for socks. Hell she'd buy her a pony if that's what it took. So what if it meant a little groveling, she was certain Rachel was due that much by this point.
Rachel grumbled internally. She still had no desire to go to prom at all let alone all the shopping and pre-prom activities she knew she was expected to be excited about but simply wasn't.
But this was acting camp today, and she had a charade to keep up, so...
"Well um, I wasn't really planning to do it today, but I guess we could at least look at a few dresses, you know, get some ideas. It's not necessary for you to pay for anything though, Shelby. Daddy gave me my own credit card for these kinds of things, and I'd prefer to just take care of it myself. Thank you for the offer, though."
Shelby tried to ignore the nagging mom voice in her head that wondered what 16 year old girl needed her own credit card, or just how often her fathers were gone that it became a necessity for her to have one. She wondered if everything had been handed so easily to Rachel by her fathers. Hiram and LeRoy truly were wonderful people, extremely generous with big hearts, but the time she'd been spending in all their lives recently had her wondering if they thought handing the girl the world was the way to show their love. A credit card can't hug you or kiss away bad dreams, after all.
The woman knew it wasn't really her place to judge the Berrys and the way the men chose to raise her– their – daughter. At least, not legally; that didn't mean she didn't have opinions – even if she hadn't earned the right to voice them.
"Okay, if you're sure. But I do hope you'll let me take you to the salon for mani-pedis. We can even make it a full spa treatment complete with hair styles. We can do the hair salon trip on prom day, to get you ready for your big night out. My treat," Shelby smiled hopefully, not willing to give up without a fight – not ever again, at least.
Rachel chewed her food and sipped her unsweetened iced tea, nodding along mechanically. She thought about Finn and her resolve to try a little harder. She also sort of knew if she didn't accept the offer of a mother-daughter two-day bonding ritual that it would just add to the huge list of reasons everyone hovered over her waiting for her to snap, pushing her to seek professional help. Poor, damaged, broken girl doesn't even enjoy the simple things in life that all NORMAL teenagers love, like shopping and beauty salons and prom.
Show-smile and nod. Fake it. "Sure. Sounds like fun."
As Carole and Sandra engaged in further conversation about their respective proms, Rachel looked at the sleeping infant in the stroller, watching with a twinge of unfettered contempt as Shelby cooed and fluffed the baby's blanket and tucked her favorite stuffed duckie under the child's chubby arm. Looking at Beth stirred a hive of emotions, some that stung, others that left her numb.
The little girl with flawless alabaster skin and her already full head of golden blonde locks truly was beautiful. Mini Quinn slept so peacefully that Rachel wanted to just scream. Rachel herself hadn't slept that soundly in weeks and it seemed there was no end in sight to her self-imposed torment. Why should this baby find such restful slumber amid all the noise and calamity in the middle of a mall food court when Rachel couldn't even find any in the sanctity and quiet of her own room? It wasn't fair. But of course, she was Quinn Fabray's offspring; fair didn't factor in. Things would probably just always come easily to this little girl.
Rachel knew she should probably feel ashamed for harboring so much resentment toward an innocent baby; after all, the child was blameless. She didn't choose her parents – birth or adoptive. And Rachel's life was a mess of her own making, so why begrudge an infant of anything at all? It was irrational and illogical.
As Shelby gushed to Carole and Sandra about the joys of motherhood, an almost lost memory pulled itself from the corner of her mind. Drizzle. A name given by a naive, trusting boy who once thought he was the baby's father, who'd loved her before he knew her and had plans and dreams for her beyond his own. A boy whom she knows would have given that child (and her birth mother) the world because that's the rare kind of wonderful that he is.
What a different life Drizzle Hudson might have lived, growing up with teenage parents who sort of cared about each other but maybe not enough to be raising a family together. Finn, for all his flaws and shortcomings, certainly did what he could in that short-lived few months to step up and prove his worth as a father. Rachel knows he would have been amazing at it too. Without question, he would have made that little girl a happy, loving home one way or another.
Maybe Finn would've been better off remaining blissfully unaware of the child's true paternity... maybe she'd robbed him of this precious gift with the sinister truth. Because that's the kind of selfish girl Rachel Berry is: crusher of dreams and ruiner of futures. Yes, she wanted her friend Finn to know the truth as he was certainly entitled, but her motives for telling him were driven more by her own selfish silly schoolgirl fantasies of winning his heart. And at the time she couldn't even do that right.
The tiny child sighed sweetly and suckled on her little fist in her sleep, where visions of fairies and sheep, rainbows and beautiful flower blanketed meadows and loving mommies surely must be keeping her in calm slumber. She envisioned what it must be like for the angelic-looking little girl, to be so blissfully unaware of the nightmares and cruel twists of fate in the world.
To be so young and innocent again. Wouldn't it be amazing to have a do-over? A clean slate. With a doting mother who loves you and who would hold your hand through everything, kiss away the sadness and tell you how loved you were. A loving mommy who would scare away the monsters and prevent you from making terrible decisions that would forever alter your view of yourself and the world.
Certainly Beth would never let herself become a monster's plaything, a human trash can, a whore trading sexual favors for a Broadway career. Surely Shelby wouldn't allow such a thing to happen to her precious, perfect, blonde protege.
If Shelby hadn't rejected her last year, would Rachel's life have been different today? If Rachel hadn't grown up in such a privileged home with parents who believed their perfect little girl was infallible and always a star, maybe Rachel would have been more socially refined and likable. Maybe Shelby wouldn't have so easily dismissed her and walked away... And maybe Richard Ellis wouldn't have ever happened at all.
And just as Rachel contemplated kicking the baby stroller ('by accident' of course) the tiny blonde-haired angel screeched herself awake, apparently due to teething pain in Shelby's guesstimation. Rachel had a hard time hiding the slight smirk that formed on her face at the thought of the innocent little girl's pain. Get used to it, kid. Life hurts.
Shelby scooped the infant into her arms and fished a teething ring from the child's diaper bag. She'd been noticing Rachel's detachment from Beth and it bothered her. She certainly didn't want Rachel to feel excluded just because Beth was there.
"Rachel, would you like to hold Beth and help pacify her with the teething ring?"
Rachel looked at Shelby as if she'd just asked her to go skydiving. "What? Me? O-oh no, n-no thanks, I wouldn't be any good at something like that. I've never even held a baby before."
"Well, sweetheart–"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Rachel suddenly shrieked, making Shelby yelp and everyone at the table jump in their seats. Her outburst garnered a few turned heads from tables around the food court as well.
Shelby kept herself calm as possible and regrouped quickly. "Oh, I'm.. I'm sorry... I forgot. . . Just, um, Beth is just a little person, you won't break her. And I trust you. You just need to keep her head supported and you'll be fine. If you don't feel comfortable you can hand her right back."
"I really don't know if–"
"I promise you can do it. You'll see, it's easy as pie."
Rachel squirmed and her insides churned at the thought. She really wasn't prepared for this exercise, but isn't this what improv was all about? Rachel looked to Carole and saw the soft smile and slight nod she returned, taking that as encouragement. She wasn't sure she could handle holding a baby at all, let alone this SPECiFIC baby... but with so many 'you can do it' faces looking back at her, she pulled up her show-smile and forged ahead with her improvisational acting class.
Once the child was in her arms, something changed. It was weird. And warm. Like a living babydoll. A living baby doll that looked exactly like Quinn Fabray. The child squirmed and kicked for a moment until Rachel held the teething ring for her with Shelby's help. Once Beth started to suckle on it, she stilled in Rachel's arms and fixed her wide bright blue eyes on Rachel's awe-filled brown ones.
Rachel couldn't believe she was holding a real baby. Shelby's daughter. Her little sister. She hadn't truthfully given much thought to the idea of having a sibling, especially not an infant one. She wasn't sure how to feel about it.
"See honey, it's not so difficult is it?" Carole smiled.
Rachel glanced up at her boyfriend's mother's words of encouragement and offered a slight nod. Shelby smiled proudly adding "Look at that, you're a natural! I think she likes you. Do you mind if I take a quick picture?"
Rachel grimaced internally. Pictures too? Isn't it enough just being in the presence of this kid (and her mother, and her mother's sister)? And now she's holding her and having pictures taken... next she'll be feeding her and changing diapers! She wasn't prepared for all of this, not today, maybe not at all.
But the little girl in her arms suddenly wrapped her chubby little fingers around Rachel's index and middle finger and it was the strangest feeling on earth. They were soft and warm and... so tiny. And surprisingly strong. Her pretty blue eyes were just so full of excitement, you could practically see the sunshine smile radiating from them. And the innocence. Peace. That state of mind Rachel longed for.
As Rachel gazed at the babe in her arms, the click of Shelby's camera snapped her back to reality and a sickening wave of guilt and discomfort shot through her. She felt her heart beginning to race and her anxiety was suffocating.
"Here um, I need to use the ladies room. Take her please?" Rachel muttered as she quickly handed the 'chosen child' back to her mother.
Rachel couldn't get away from the little girl fast enough. Replacement Rachel. Baby Quinn. Drizzle Hudson. But the child's face was too sweet and innocent to be any of those people – well, maybe the last one. She was too sweet and innocent for Rachel to keep holding onto her, lest her own toxic poison spoil the girl. The picture of a clean slate, unblemished by the horrors of the real world. It was too late for New Rachel, the contaminated diseased slut. She was dirty and grimy with a filth she couldn't wash off. Rachel couldn't allow her own moral decay to infect a helpless, sinless child. It just felt wrong to let those blue eyes pierce her damned soul any longer. She already knew she was going to hell for her sins, she didn't need a year old baby judging her as well.
. . . . .
Dress shopping was an exercise in patience that Rachel hadn't wanted to practice. She didn't really want to try anything on, but her 'mother' looked so excitedly at a few of the dresses that Rachel finally agreed to two selections which Shelby simply insisted she at least humor her with, just for fun.
One was a soft pink tea length taffeta with a sweetheart neckline, another was a shimmery, flowy floor length strapless tulle lavender. Old Rachel would have loved them. New Rachel hated them both.
They were dresses meant for lovely, sweet, wholesome girls. Girls who still had a bubbly personality and upstanding moral fiber, who were excited for a big fancy night out with a boy who thought they hung the moon. Girls who weren't tainted and tarnished. That wasn't this Rachel. Not anymore.
"Rachel dear, are you okay in there?" Carole called softly through the dressing room door. "Are your ribs too sore for this? I can help if you need..."
The younger girl sighed exaggeratedly, blowing her bangs in the air. "Um, yeah if you wouldn't mind, please?" Rachel said as she cracked open the door to the suffocatingly small space. "It zips in the back and I can't really reach."
Carole gasped at the sight of Rachel in the dress. "Oh honey, this color is so pretty! Pink has always been my favorite color on you, with your lovely olive tone skin. It's just gorgeous. How do you feel about it?"
How does she feel? Like a rotten black banana shoved into a shiny ripe new peel. Like a pig with lipstick. Like an ogre in a party dress.
"It's nice."
The older woman took in the expression on Rachel's face. "You hate it, don't you."
"Hate is a strong word. It's a pretty dress, but..."
Carole patted her shoulder maternally. "It's okay, honey. You don't have to love it. Do you even want to finish getting dressed and show Shelby? I can help you get out of it if you prefer. I'm sure your ribs are pretty sore after all the walking around today anyway."
Yes please before I smother in this gaudy thing! "No. I should at least appease her little mother-daughter replacement moment, let her pretend while this one fantasy plays out."
"Oh Rachel, honey, I don't think she's pretending at all. I've talked to Shelby quite a few times now, and I really think she's sincere. She wants to have these moments with you, she's just been afraid of messing them up. But if you don't really want to show her you don't have to."
Rachel sighed, again remembering her prior conversations with Finn. "No, you're right. I know she's been trying. I guess I'm still having trouble letting her in and I could try a little harder too."
"Good girl," Carole smiled sweetly and ran her hand over Rachel's upper arm. "But sweetie, you seem a bit put off by prom. Do you even want to go?"
Rachel was horrified at the idea of her boyfriend's mother learning the truth. "Of course I do. Finn's looking so forward–"
"Don't worry about Finn. He'd do anything you wanted, and if you really didn't want to go, I'm quite sure he'd be fine with it. He didn't even want to go to prom at all when he thought he'd be taking Quinn. Said it was just another night of being strangled in an itchy penguin suit and being put on parade. I think it didn't help that Quinn was developing an unhealthy obsession with winning prom queen that really seemed to put him off as well. He's only excited to go now because it's with you... it's not the event, dear; it's the girl."
The girl who doesn't exist anymore.
Rachel smiled as best she could. "I do wanna go with him. I'd always had dreams of this night, and how handsome Finn would look in his tux. How he'd be clumsy and awkward and probably step on my feet while we danced, but I wouldn't care because it would be magical, because we'd be together. I do want this. I just... I wish I felt better. You know, m-my ribs that is... they won't be fully healed yet."
"No, I suppose they won't.. So you'll just take it easy. Minimal time on the dance floor. Leave early if need be. Finn wouldn't mind, in fact he'd probably insist."
Rachel nodded absently and sighed, "I suppose he would. He's really wonderful like that."
"He loves you, Rachel. He truly, deeply loves you. I never thought I'd see my son have such deep emotions for anyone at this age... Of course I hoped he would find that epic love someday, I just never expected it to happen so soon. But to see how happy he is with you, I know you are the most important thing in the world to him."
"I know. I'm very lucky."
Carole tugged her chin up to look her in the eyes and smiled. "So is he."
Rachel smiled and nodded, fighting tears but knowing she couldn't let her mask slip now. "Thank you for saying so... Now I guess let's show this dress to Shelby so I can get out of it again."
"Oh my GOD Rachel!" Shelby gasped as the girl came out from the dressing room. "Oh! It's PERFECT. You look so beautiful sw– honey, I just love it! How do you feel in it?"
Smile and lie.
"It's very pretty, and comfortable, but it's not really the color scheme Finn and I planned."
Shelby's excitement was curbed at Rachel's response. Part of her had hoped the girl would be blown away by her choices and want one of the dresses she'd picked out. But that was okay, at least Rachel was allowing her this time together and Shelby wouldn't take her rejection personally.
"Right. Well, I appreciate you humoring me and trying it on just the same. I really think it's so flattering on you." Shelby moved to stand behind Rachel in the mirror and started fussing with the girl's long ponytail, twisting it and holding it in an up-do. "Have you thought about how you'll want to wear your hair? Up or down? Up would be so elegant, but your hair is lovely and long–"
The feeling of the woman's hands in Rachel's hair instantly brought a memory of rough hands pulling her hair, clutching it in meaty angry fists and clawing at her scalp. A shudder went through her and it was all Rachel could do not to scream out. She quickly stepped away from Shelby, swatting at her hands and cut off her rambling. "I"m thinking maybe up, but I'll probably decide once I have the actual dress picked out." Her words came out rushed and somewhat hysterical and she felt the burn of tears trying to break through but fought them back.
Shelby was taken aback by Rachel's sudden change in demeanor. She wasn't sure what she'd said or done but realized Rachel must have been triggered by something so she tried to remain calm. "Okay, yeah, that makes sense. I know you'll look stunning either way. Like a real princess."
Carole recognized the panicked state Rachel was fighting against and stepped in. "Rachel, your ribs must be so sore by now, between all the walking and changing clothes. Anytime you're ready to head home I'd be happy to take you, just let me know."
Rachel was never more thankful for Carole Hudson Hummel than at that precise moment. "Yeah, uh... I'm sorry I am feeling a little under the weather all of a sudden. If you wouldn't mind, that would be great."
A few hours and half an action movie later after she'd gotten home from the mall, Rachel was surprised by a sudden visitor. Her fathers were downstairs making dinner and must have let him in.
"Knock knock?" Kurt tapped on her open bedroom door as he poked his head in shyly.
"Kurt? Hi, what are you doing here?" Rachel smiled brightly at her friend, who seemed a little reluctant to just come into her room like he normally did before Columbus. Since Columbus, he was timid and reserved around her most of the time – not that they'd spent very much alone time together anymore. The majority of her friendship with Kurt was bonded over Glee club and show tunes and a mutual love of movies and musicals and things that were no longer part of her life. It was just another bullet point in the long list of things Rachel noticed had been taken away from her SINCE Columbus. Another way she'd allowed the monster to ruin her life.
"Oh well, sorry, I know you were expecting me to be Finn coming over for dinner and date night in, but Dad needed his help with something at the shop and he got delayed, so I volunteered to come and keep you company until he gets here. He shouldn't be too long. I hope that's okay?"
"Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know. I just thought maybe you wouldn't particularly want me around yet. I would've called first, but–"
"Kurt, why would you think that?"
"Well...it's just...We haven't exactly spent much quality time together in a long while now. And we haven't talked about anything that's happened, you know, since that day you took off from school... Yes, we've seen each other at school and even at home, but it's been different. I've missed you, Diva. I know you've needed time to heal and time to yourself, so I was giving you space. But it's felt a little like maybe you've been avoiding me, and I guess I would understand if you were. I know I betrayed your trust, even though it really was for the sake of your own safety. I had to do what was right to help you, Rachel. I hope you know it came from a place of love."
Rachel eyed the boy in front of her, now realizing why he thought she was avoiding him. More collateral damage. Of course, she WAS avoiding, not just him, but most everyone in her life other than Finn. Finn was still her only safe place. Finn just knew when to talk and what NOT to talk about. She and Finn just seemed to have a secret language and an unspoken rule, they didn't talk about Columbus. Like Fight Club (she meant to thank Noah for getting her to finally watch that movie).
"I know, Kurt. But it's... it's okay, okay? We're okay. I'm not upset with you. I know why you told them. I suppose I should thank you – in fact I'm long overdue in saying it. If you hadn't spoken up, who knows how much worse it could've gotten."
"Rachel I never wanted you to get hurt again – or at all in the first place... and I feel like the way I handled things, well, it's my fault you ran off like that, and then... and then you ended up in the hospital, and..." Kurt's voice trailed off as his eyes welled with unshed tears.
Rachel walked toward him and grabbed his hand, pulling him close for a hug. "Stop it, Kurt. I made my own choices. It had nothing to do with you or anyone else. I guess I was mad in the moment that day, or well, not so much mad as I was frustrated and hurt that you couldn't just let me work it out on my own." Damage control mode. She didn't want to dig too deeply into this topic with Kurt, but she needed to have some kind of conversation with him about it because she KNOWS he's not gonna let it drop. She'd managed to avoid this with him up until now, but she knows how Kurt can be.
"But Rachel, there are some things that you just can't do on your own, things you SHOULDN'T do on your own. And none of us could have known how to handle that situation properly, not without adult assistance. I just... I wanted you to know that I'm so sorry if I made it worse. I was just so scared for you."
"Forget it okay, Kurt? I'm sorry I scared you guys by leaving the way I did. I just wish I'd made a better plan."
"Why did you leave that day, Rach? I mean...you drove to Columbus – which by the way, may I take a moment to chastise you for playing Fast 'N Furious with Finn's truck and NO driver's license to speak of, which was completely irresponsible!"
"Yeah, sorry, not my finest moment–"
"NO it certainly was NOT! But you took off, and we didn't know what to do or what you were going to do and PLEASE don't ever do that to me again, Rachel! I think I aged ten years that day."
Rachel huffed, knowing she had to say something to appease him. It's all part of the non-stop performing she'd been doing since she officially retired from the theater. Isn't that ironic?
"I just needed it to end, Kurt. It was MY mess, my fault, and I hadn't been standing up for myself. And you went and dragged in so many people–"
"Yes, sorry about that too. Well, I'm not sorry about Finn, but Puckerman was a total accident. And Mr Schue was the only logical, relatively sane and trustworthy adult I could think of, short of telling your dads."
"Well I suppose I understand why you went to him, and maybe it was better Mr Schue than my fathers at the time. But I could see it on every face in the choir room that day – yours, Noah's, even Finn's... you all thought I was some kind of a helpless victim. And it dawned on me that I hadn't fought back hard enough to make it stop. I don't know why I hadn't yet, but... I don't know Kurt, something just snapped that day and I decided I was going to quit the play and put an end to all of it. But then I got there and..." her eyes filled with tears and her voice seized up with tension. She didn't want to cry in front of Kurt, that's not how the charade was meant to be maintained.
"Rachel, it's okay we don't have to talk about this."
"No. It's fine Kurt, I need to... I want you to know that I now realize I needed someone to make me see that I hadn't been advocating for myself enough. You ended up being that catalyst. Maybe I went about it wrong, but it was better me going there to confront him than anyone else. At least in the moment that's what I thought. I didn't want anyone else to get hurt. I didn't want anyone else to know... But then everything just went SO WRONG, and then...Finn showed up, and my mother, and I didn't know what I'd been thinking going back there at all. I was so afraid of what they must have thought of me when they saw... You must think I'm a huge fool."
Kurt tutted at her and could tell she was fighting the impulse to break down. "It's okay, Rachel. I mean, it's okay if you want to let it all out or cry or yell or whatever you want to do. Hit me if it helps. I'm your friend and I'd never judge you for this – and while I may think it was foolish for you to take this situation on alone, I do NOT think YOU are a fool. But for the record, never fret over what we think; we all LOVE you Diva. Shelby is your MOTHER. I know that's been true in name only up until now, but she is still your mother, and of course she loves you – even if she's had a piss poor way of showing you before. But speaking of your mother–"
"Can we not? It's been a long day."
Kurt grinned wryly. "As you wish, although we WILL, I hope, be having that chat soon. I'm dying to know how the big ladies lunch day panned out. But as for Finn Hudson? That boy is so over the moon for you; LOVE isn't a big enough word for what he feels for you, I think."
Rachel rolled her eyes as he talked about Shelby and shrugged when he mentioned Finn, tucking her chin down low and digging her nails into her thighs. "I know he does. But he shouldn't." She sat on the edge of her bed and Kurt joined her.
"And why not?"
"I'm... I'm just not that girl anymore, Kurt. The girl he fell in love with. He doesn't understand, though. I've been trying to tell him, but he either doesn't get it or won't accept it. The Rachel he loves, I'm pretty sure she's gone for good."
"I don't think that's true at all. You're still here."
"Not like I was. I'm not her anymore, Kurt, and I don't think I ever can be again."
"Oh sweetie... You're always so dramatic – which is just more proof that you're still you, by the way." Kurt pulled her gently into a hug as they sat side by side on her bed. "Rach you... you just need time. You need professional help too, but you need time, and someday–"
"What if someday never happens, Kurt? Finn wants to stick around waiting for HIS Rachel to come back, but what if she doesn't?"
"Did you say that to him?"
"Yes."
"And what was his answer?"
"That he'd wait forever. Which isn't fair to him."
"Is it fair for you to tell him how he should feel?"
Rachel pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. "No, but... You're not fair... being so logical and reasonable." She shoved at his shoulder playfully and he wrapped an arm around hers.
Kurt smiled and squeezed her closer. "Rachel, we all know you are one of THE most impatient people on the face of this earth; but sister this is something I'm afraid you NEED to find some patience for. I'm not pretending to know what you feel like inside; that's simply not possible. But, I do remember you and patience being the proverbial oil and water combination. I'm not saying I know everything that goes on inside Finn's head either – and trust, that's a GOOD thing, certainly for my own sanity! – but I know what he's told me, and I know what I see. And I can safely say, he's not going to give up on you. And YOU shouldn't give up on you either. I won't let you."
Rachel nodded, knowing Kurt was probably right. Even if it wasn't in Finn's best interest to stick around, he would. Chivalrous. His picture was next to the word in the dictionary, she was sure of it. But it wasn't just Finn, as it turns out. Somehow she'd lucked out and found two of the most incredible friends in these unlikely brothers. Why they cared so much and were willing to stand by her now in the wake of all the collateral damage she'd caused them was beyond her.
"You're so sweet, Kurt, and I love you for caring so much. Thank you. And I know you're right about Finn. He's a good guy. An amazing guy...I just wish I deserved him."
Kurt tipped her chin up to look her in the eyes. "You do, Rachel. And he deserves you. Now. I'm bored of talking about my sappy lovesick oaf of a brother, and since you won't let me dig into the deep dish that is SHELBY and the big girls day out, so... let's talk about prom for a minute."
She giggled at his abrupt subject change, feeling slightly relieved he was at least veering away from the worst of the heavy topics. "UGH do we have to?"
"Um, YES Miss Thing, yes we do! I've been waiting forever to have this conversation with you and we're getting down to the wire now. The clock's a ticking and we need to find you the PERFECT dress, as I'm positive you haven't selected one yet. Mercy and I are hitting the mall tomorrow, and YOU, my dear, are coming with us!"
"Wait, what? Kurt, I just went to the mall today and was forced to try on dresses. I... I was actually thinking I might repurpose something from my closet. I have a perfectly fine dre–"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Kurt gasped. "Rachel Barbra Berry! First of all, I'll do my best to hide my melancholia that you didn't call me to help while you went dress shopping WITHOUT ME! But more importantly, this is PROM we are talking about! Not a job interview or a trip to the synagogue. You WILL be getting a lovely new Kurt Hummel sanctioned dress to suit the occasion. You can fight me all you want, but I simply will NOT take NO for an answer!"
"Won't take no for an answer to what?" Finn asked, startling the pair of teens as he suddenly joined them in Rachel's room. He looked suspiciously at his brother as he leaned down to greet Rachel with a kiss to the top of her head. "Hey babe, sorry I'm late," he smiled his crooked grin at her and she flashed him a small smile in return.
"The mall, Finn. I'm taking her dress shopping, and she cannot say no. So anyway Rachel, Blaine and Finn as you know are headed to the tux shop tomorrow–"
"Oh crap, is that tomorrow? I forgot about that," Finn mumbled with a deer caught in the headlights look on his face.
Rachel snickered as Kurt glared at his brother in annoyance but continued undeterred "–YES Finn, it is. Thank god Blaine will be there to help you but I'll be popping by to ensure you BOTH make smart choices. And as you know, I'll be sporting a dazzling design of my own creation, which is nearly complete. I just need one more trip to JoAnn's Fabrics to find the right tartan for the sash. After I do that, Mercedes and I are heading out to find HER dress, and you're coming with us to find yours," he huffed at Rachel with a tone of finality.
Rachel tried to hide the sheer panic in her face as she looked at her friend. She could practically feel Finn's happiness radiating off of him at all this talk of prom. More dress shopping was sort of the last thing she wanted to do now, right next to another lunch outing with Shelby. She knew she was kind of trapped in an inescapable nightmare now. Her mother had already inadvertently triggered a panic attack by touching her hair today, and Kurt, god love him, had no idea how to be hands-off when it came to fashion and beauty. How could she survive a trip like this with him at the helm?
But Kurt was her friend and practically her family. She was going to have to work with him on this because Kurt and a formal occasion to dress for was like a rottweiler with a meaty steak – you simply didn't get in the way of it.
"Oh, Mercedes is going to prom too? She hadn't mentioned it," Rachel asked.
Kurt nodded excitedly, happy to be sharing some gossip with her again. "Yes she is! Well, I basically already had her talked into going with Blaine and I, but since she officially has a DATE now, YES, she is definitely going! Can you believe Sammy boy finally manned up and asked her!" Kurt was clapping and practically squealing with delight as Finn shushed him in an effort to reel him in a bit.
"Dude, you're gonna get all the dogs in the neighborhood barking if you keep making those squealy noises," Finn teased. Kurt simply rolled his eyes at his brother.
Rachel playfully slapped Finn's arm for teasing Kurt. "Oh, that's wonderful news about Sam and Mercedes," Rachel replied, her reaction far less enthusiastic than Kurt's. "I'm really happy for both of them. But um, well, I-I really thought I could just wear something I already have in my closet. I mean it's only our junior prom, right? It's not like the big formal one before we graduate next year... and I still have some pageant dresses that I think would work fine."
"JUST junior prom? Are you serious Rachel? Prom is prom and you simply must dress to impress! You're supposed to want to relish in the experience and BE Cinderella for a day...Your Fairy Gayfather is already here with his wand waiting to Bippity Boppity Boo you! Please don't rain on my parade, Diva!" Finn winced as the last sentence passed from Kurt's lips, praying it wasn't the worst thing on earth he could've said. It seemed Kurt himself belatedly recognized his own slip of the tongue. Broadway and Barbra references were strictly forboden, but Kurt was less practiced in avoiding these topics and it was an honest mistake.
Finn watched his girlfriend closely and saw the signs of her tensing with her eyes squeezed closed. He kneeled in front of her and took her hand soothingly. WHen she opened her eyes, he forced her to focus on him while putting his brother in his place. "Kurt, dude, you need to back off. If she doesn't wanna buy a new dress that's fine, she doesn't have to."
Rachel maintained eye contact with her boyfriend and was thankful Finn had at least made the effort to keep Kurt in check, but then she took a deep calming breath and looked up into Kurt's eyes and could tell there was a sadness present. She knew exactly what she had to do – employ her acting skills yet again. If she could push herself to get through prom for Finn, she could make it through one more trip to the mall for Kurt.
She placed a hand on Finn's forearm as she peered up into his amber eyes. "You know what, Kurt is right. I was being silly. It is still a formal affair, so I guess a new dress would be a good idea." She pushed out a warm smile aimed at Kurt and took a breath before adding, "Who knows, shopping could be fun."
Finn pulled Rachel's hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. "Only if you want to, babe, but really, you could wear sweatpants or pajamas and still be the most beautiful girl there in my eyes." Rachel mentally cringed when Finn called her beautiful. She certainly didn't feel beautiful. She already had those lovely Old Rachel dresses on earlier that day; beautiful was the last way she would describe herself in them. And what she had done during all those weeks in Columbus was anything BUT beautiful...
She was broken from her internal thoughts of self-loathing when Finn pointed at Kurt and added, "Whatever Rach wants is fine, Kurt. And take it easy on her, too... she's still got sore ribs and doesn't need you forcing her to try on a thousand fussy dresses she's just gonna reject anyway. Let her choose, and if she says she's done, she's done. Don't push her."
Kurt tutted and waved a hand at Finn. "Calm down, Finnegan. I promise I'll take good care of our girl!"
"You better, since I still know your secret hiding place for your tiara stash and collector's edition Vogue magazines."
"They're not in that old trunk anymore. Dad was getting too close to finding them."
"I know, I'm not talking about the trunk," Finn said with a smirk. "That's a mighty big cargo space in your Navigator. Roomy. Secretly holds a lot of stuff, doesn't it?"
"How did you even... You wouldn't DARE mess with my prized collections!" Kurt gasped.
Finn chuckled and stood up, pressed a soft kiss to the top of Rachel's head and headed toward her DVD shelf to pull out that evening's action movie selection for them. "Just don't stress out my girlfriend and you won't have to find out."
Rachel sighed while wearing her forced smile, wishing she could still feel the same swarm of butterflies she used to feel when Finn made those little affectionate gestures like that or fought on her behalf. Lately they seemed to have migrated to somewhere far away leaving only a few flutters behind.
As the brothers did battle over her, she got lost in her dark thoughts again. The boys were fighting over a lost cause. She wasn't worth all their attention. She very nearly screamed out I'm not going! Just to put an end to all this talk of dresses and prom and hairstyles... Rachel knew this whole affair was going to push her to her limits, but she reminded herself to just hang in a little longer, soon it would all be over. She could do this for the boys she loved and hopefully make them happy. That was assuming she survived another mall trip.
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH : LOCAL NEWS : CRIME
THE LIMA NEWS : REGIONAL UPDATES : CRIME
BROADWAY NEWS : HEADLINE NEWS
THE NEW YORK SUN : ARTS : NEWS
THE PLAIN DEALER : NEWS : COURTS AND JUSTICE
THE CINCINNATI ENQUIRER : REGIONAL NEWS : COURTS
DAYTON DAILY NEWS : REGIONAL NEWS : COURTS
PRESS RELEASE: The District Attorney of Franklin County, Ohio, announced on Monday that 43-year-old Richard T. Ellis pleaded guilty to first-degree sexual assault of a minor.
Ellis, a former Broadway director, recently changed his plea after his lawyers reached an agreement with the DA's Office. Ellis had been arrested and was pending trial on various charges surrounding an incident that took place in the Little Lakes Theater in Westerville earlier last month. The victim was an 16 year old female high school student and cast member in a play Ellis was directing.
While his case awaited trial, Ellis, who had been released on $250,000 bail, had returned to Manhattan in his home state of New York. Once his defense attorneys reached an agreement with the Franklin Co. DA, an additional order was issued summoning Ellis to return to the state of Ohio and surrender himself to Franklin County Police no later than this coming Friday.
Following his arrest, three other Ohio women, including two from the same musical production in Westerville, have filed formal complaints against Ellis with law enforcement in Ohio alleging sexual harassment and attempted assault. Since news of his arrest went public, two additional New York women have come forward and filed formal complaints against the man in Ellis's native Manhattan. Formal charges are still pending in all the additional complaints which remain under investigation at the time of the press release.
The victim from the Westerville arrest is the only known minor involved in any of the combined allegations. Ellis' plea deal only relates to his arrest for the incident that occurred in Westerville. Once incarcerated, Ellis, now a convicted felon, may be extradited back to New York to face additional charges and court proceedings as they arise.
The official record at the Franklin County Court of Common Pleas confirms that Ellis signed a guilty plea agreement and accepted a maximum 20-year prison sentence for the assault in addition to three other related charges in the case. The terms of the agreement included a punitive payment of $100,000 to be paid to the victim for damages and restitution in addition to any and all medical costs. With good behavior, Ellis may be eligible for parole after 10 years of time served.
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tbc...❤️
A/N2 - and yeah, you clever readers might have caught the fact that i lifted my own line about Kurt being her Fairy Gayfather from SOOF... sorry, it just worked too well in the scene! =)