Chapter 3: Nozomu drinks too much water and pees himself.
It was the day of Enishi's funeral. Nozomu had to put his phone away already. He was captivated by Barbie lately, looking at every photo that Barbie had online. Barbie could only be described as a human cheeseburger, and let's just say, Nozomu was feeling like gaining some weight. He wore his finest black kimono and walked into the venue where the funeral was held. An urn was held in the back of the room, presumably full of Enishi's ashes. They probably smelled really good. Enishi always had candles and incense and shit so all those smells probably got trapped in his body.
"I guess, sure," said Barbie, in real life.
"You look like a sperm," said Davis to me, in real life.
The funeral service was crazy. Nozomu saw Mikoto get up near the end and leave to the bathroom. A bitch gotta pee, I guess. Tae and Hiroshi Itoshiki, Nozomu's parents, had already made speeches on Enishi. Kei was going up to speak next. Kei was wearing what he normally did, which was strange, but at least he showered.
"Go freshen up before you speak," said Mrs. Itoshiki, Nozomu's mom.
"Okay, mom." Nozomu said, walking to the bathroom. It was quite queer that Mikoto hadn't come out yet. For all Nozomu knew, he likely had some sort of digestion issue and he'd probably be washing his hands by the time that Nozomu walked to the bathroom. Nozomu reached for the handle but something caught his attention. He heard a slamming noise coming from the bathroom. It sounded like someone banging against a ceramic door. It was fucking weird. Nozomu cranked the handle and heard a moan coming from inside. Nozomu ditched the handle and fled back as fast as he could. No fucking way he was going in that restroom.
"Did you freshen up?" Mrs. Itoshiki asked.
"Yep, I freshened up. I feel ready to speak." Nozomu said, grimacing.
"By the way, where is Mikoto, have you seen him? He speaks next." Tae Itoshiki further inquired.
"Nope! No, I have not seen Mikoto anywhere. It seems really rude that he's missing such a pivotal moment in this funeral," said Nozomu.
Tae Itoshiki sighed, "I guess you may go next, Nozomu."
"Yeah, we probably shouldn't have someone named 'Doctor Death' speak at a funeral anyway," Nozomu commented.
"Who calls him that?" Mother Itoshiki demanded to know. Nozomu never answered. He scratched his ass again, in remembrance. Then he sniffed his fingers, also in remembrance.
Nozomu stood up and held onto the microphone. The crowd jeered.
"You look like a GIRL!" An audience member pestered him.
"Don't quit your day job," another one heckled.
"Enishi was my older brother. He was born in [ENISHI'S BIRTH YEAR] on [ENISHI'S BIRTH MONTH AND DAY]. It was sad that he felt the need to text Rin while he was in the car. He could've waited until he arrived home or at least until he was at a stop. The truth was, however, Rin was so important to Enishi that he wanted to get back to her immediately. This goes to show that he felt a sense of urgency for his family. Of course, he leaves behind a child of age [MAJIRU'S AGE]. This child, Majiru, he had left behind for 7 years. In my honest opinion, he could've returned for him a little sooner, but that's just my opinion. Before he died, Enishi told me that in the two years he had spent with Majiru, Majiru had learned plenty about the world. Specifically, "skibidi toilet" and "the rizzler". I hope under my wing, Majiru will continue to grow and be happy." Nozomu concluded his speech with a bow, like how Seth McFarlane animates his characters doing it.
The audience was completely silent. Rin then went up to speak. She basically said all the same things Nozomu said, but included some extra stuff about how Enishi was "an important role model in her life". After Rin spoke, the fun part arrived. Nozomu got to see what his parents had catered for Enishi's funeral. They got sploingy slop and the five pickled herrings, Nozomu's favorite. The food was so good that he forgot who died. As he ate his herrings, he saw Mikoto walking out of the bathroom. He had a beet-red face and he had a limp. He looked like he'd been through hell.
"Bro…" Nozomu began.
"If you say a fucking word I'll have you saying Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei." Mikoto stared at Nozomu with daggers in his eyes and some coins in his ass.
Mikoto's request was so fierce that Nozomu remembered barbie. He needed to tell barbie what happened
Nozomu: baba, I think my brother had gay sex in the bathrooms of the funeral
Baba: oh my god?
Nozomu: i feel like he's been having a lot of sex lately, but i dont wanna think about that stuff and i really dont want to ask him about it
Baba: i dont want to ask mikoto about sex either
Nozomu: how did you know my brother's name? i need to pee
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