Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Who's That Father?
Get On Your Knees
(Then: Earth, Scandinavian Forest)
Half an Earthly year had passed since arrival, and the seasons had firmly changed once more. This 'springtime' winter was just as unforgiving as the actual season, flurries were brutal, and the game was sparse. Survival was, as he was warned, difficult, but not impossible. It just took a different mindset, one that he hadn't expected himself to be able to adopt. Hellhounds – even in Human disguise – were creatures of habit and instinct, partying years and hormones left them rather...simple in their desires.
From the foliage, a pair of blue eyes watched the small fowl carefully as it fed on the softened ground. A sharpened stone was held between his fingers and he slowly pulled his hand up. He stilled when the fowl looked up and tilted its head. His eyes darted to the rest of the wood and he strained his senses. As he did, the fowl turned tail and ran.
Shame, that was going to be dinner for the next week.
A rustle of leaves had him slowly lower his arm, and then his body to the ground until he was practically flat as a board. His breathing slowed as his eyes scanned the dead wood around him. There was no evidence that he was alone, but at the same time, there was nothing to prove he wasn't. He waited, considered and weighed his options, before he slowly rose from the supine position he was in.
A soft crack caught his ear and he darted for the thicker brush. The rustle of leaves and broken stick was a generosity, a warning, the only one he'd get before he'd have to start again. There was no fucking way he'd start over again. It'd been six months of this shit.
(Now: Gluttony, Beelzebub Manor)
What should be a well organized, untouched and pristine office that the Sin of Gluttony prided herself on – she'd seen her fellow Sins' workplaces and those all were atrocities; surprisingly it was Satan who had the second-neatest office of the lot, if only because he just roasted everything before it could pile up. Belle's was an easy third – in her defense, all of those paper towers used to make a fort the Queen of Sloth could hide in – and Ozzie's...well, the few times she had seen it there were other things on her mind.
That pride was at risk right now, for it looked like the office of one Queen Sin of Gluttony had been in the heart of a hurricane. That hurricane's name? Bee-Lzebub.
Worse yet, it was still devastating the room. Papers flew about and computer screens scrolled rapidly as the Sin of Gluttony devoted all of her otherworldly focus and power to this task.
"Blah, blah, blah, 'kept me alive at least'? The fuck does that mean?! Ugh, great, is there anything in this that helps me?! ...No? Fuck." Bee growled as she tossed another folder onto a growing pile. Of the trillions of adoptions she'd overseen and approved, she'd have expected to find something praising her Hellpuppy Orphanages. Alas, day three of her search had just begun and she'd barely gotten into the second millennium of the common era – going by Earth time, anyway – with abso-fucking-lately nothing to show for it! "Something, something–Ugh! Useless. Seriously?! C'mon, pups, why ain't you fuckers grateful?! Don't you dirty bitches love me?! Fuckin' should, it's basically programmed! So why the fuck don't you love the orphanages?!"
A Hellphone rang somewhere and a moan echoed out with it. Dammit, she couldn't afford to miss this call without getting on her pal's bad side. Bee stopped and looked around. Then she knocked herself on the head with a hand.
"Duh. It's in the tummy pouch." She muttered and opened her mouth. She reached in with one hand and dug around, before she found the vibrating noisemaker. With a belch, the Hellphone came out and she answered on the third ring. "Ozzie! Hey, Slut, not exactly the best time for me–"
"Buh-scuse me?!" Ozzie cut her off. "I'm sorry, is this the same fuckin' Queen Bee that pissed off all of us Sins by taking a lineage of her Shadow, thereby breaking not only The Arrangement, but also threatening our eight millennia long streak of ceasefire? Or did I call the wrong bitch?"
"No, you got it right." Bee winced. Oof, shit. Ozzie was pissed. It really couldn't still be about the Shadow thing, right? That happened a month ago! "So, uh, what did yours–?"
"Bee, you should be fucking grateful that Chomei is so fucking chill. All I needed was to expand some protected territory and dole out harsher punishments to trespassers. Personally." The Sin of Lust let out a frustrated growl and Bee hissed. Yeah, a Sin getting told to do something was a bitter pill to swallow, even from Lucifer, but it was that or going up against the Shadows' factions again, and neither Gluttony nor Lust – or any other Ring really – would come out unscathed from that kind of clash. "Smug bastard knew what kind of shit I'd have to deal with afterwards. All that's going to do is entice the fucking BDSM crowd…"
"Sounds fun?"
"It is very much the opposite."
"Yikes, sorry. So, what'd you call for?"
"Bee, I just finished proving that I'd hold up my end of the bargain with my celibate Shadow. I officially have no meetings that will keep me away from my sex life. I am pent up and pissed off and I am not taking that out on a fuck buddy. Since you're the fucking cause of it, I'm taking it out on you." Ozzie growled. The Sin of Gluttony huffed and crossed three of her four arms.
"Hey, I didn't exactly get off as easy as you did! Fucking Kurama took my Chew Toy of the generation." Bee was still a little salty about that shit, too. Vortex and Na-Ru-To were matched in size for the most part, but the former was definitely more fun than the latter. Fuck, she didn't even know what kind of drugs Na-Ru-To did in his spare time, and not for a lack of trying to find out, either!
Stupid fucking security system was more powerful the second time she went at it.
"Was that before or after he had you release the enslaved lineage member?"
"Release? He didn't want the Hunk's release. At least, I don't think he did. I was kind of focused on the whole Vortex thing..." Bee frowned and looked over at a framed picture set on an untouched corner of the room. It was one of hundreds, of her and her partner of a generation, some of them more than one at a time. Being Pan was fuckin great–hm, Ozzie's end of the line was really quiet. "You still there?"
"That's–?" There was an audible chirp, and Bee looked at her phone. He muted himself? Why–? The Ring shook with a Hellquake and a very audible shriek of Asmodeus' repressed rage. Mm, that's some major downer vibes right there. Another chirp had her put the phone back to her ear. "This mutt better be fucking worth all the trouble, Bee. I swear on my fucking...On my fucking! If he's just some dumb, beefy Himbo with a nice dick–!"
"Ugh, I fucking wish!" Bee groaned and flipped back on a pile of discarded files. She huffed a fluttering paper out of her face and rubbed her temple with one of her left hands. "So, you know the fine ass CEO of that Hound-focused Merc company in my Ring?"
"Merc company in Glut–? Ohh! You finally got around to meeting Uzumaki, huh? Shit, tell me you don't think that good boy's a sweet treat, right? Big, bright and ballsy! And I mean that both visually and intel–...Hold on, wait. No. No...Bee, you don't fuckin mean that you..?" Ozzie sounded aghast. Well, tough shit. It only got worse from there, for Bee anyway.
"You bet your Kaiju cock I did, featherbutt! I recruited that sonovabitch and he's been fucking ungrateful ever since!" She snorted and looked at her lower left hand's claws. Needed filing and a new paint after her next party. Maybe something that might show up in the Hunk's fine furry butt once she could dig into it. "That Hunk would be a grade A lay if he wasn't so fucking stubborn about it. Stupid Demon Dealing cocky sexy bastard..."
"Oh my fucking Sin, you mean he's the one that's–?! ...Bee. Does Belphegor know?"
"Yeah, because we gossip so fucking much. In case you've forgotten, you're the wall that keeps us from throwing total bad vibes at each other, Oz." Bee snorted. Belphegor was so fucking full of herself and selfish when it came to her drugs. If she'd just lighten up and stop changing her locks, they'd be totally cool. Speaking of locks, Bee let her eyes narrow and her teeth bared in a snarl. "Hey, on that note, what's the deal with giving the Hunk access to a Curse of Smol?!"
"What the fuck do you mean? It's available to Ars Goetia for a cheap price. I gave it up because anyone can get through it no problem."
"Motherfucker–! I was stuck in the size of a gluttonbee for almost twelve hours!"
"Twelve? Huh, that's good to–..Bee? Why were you stuck at that size?"
"Because I was breaking into his house, duh."
"...Fuck's sake." Ozzie sighed.
"Yeah, I knew you'd get it, that's why I was doing it!" Bee smirked. "Now could you send me a work around so I don't have to fucking wait until Saturday–?"
"No. Fuck no. Abso-fucking-lutely not. I..I need to go throatfuck something. Don't forget about the meeting next week."
"...Meeting?" Bee froze. "What meeting?"
"You forgot. Of fucking course. Check your fucking inbox, Bee."
Then he hung up. Motherfucker. Bee stared at the Hellphone. She scrambled for her computer a second later and minimized everything else to open her mailbox. Junk junk junk spam garbage spam Bingo! Satan sent out a memo...for a post...shit.
"A Full Court Meeting?!" Bee grimaced. Those things were basically galas! Lame dullsville parties with mixed vibes that tended to make her feel bloated and irritable. Maybe she could skip–? Wait, there was a response above it–Shit.
"Oh, fucking, fuckity shit! Lucifer is going?! Ugh, he already RSVPed..." Bee groaned and sunk in her seat. "With a plus one?! Fuck...Are he and Lilith back on again? Dammit, I need to know. ..Fuck. I have to go. Reserve."
She clicked on the appropriate button and another pop-up had her pause.
"A plus one? ..Well if Tex were around, I would click it." Bee frowned before her eyes lit up. A devious little smile spread across the Queen of Gluttony's face. Some might call it a gremlin's grin, and then those some would be eaten in the worst way.
"Wait. I can use this...Make that Hunk regret fucking with me through these stupid Demon Deals." She selected the yes and if for whatever reason the Hunk managed to back out, she'd just find a side piece during a party the night before, and stock up on Good Vibes. "Now, when is this lame–? Ugh, a Friday night gala? Fuck you, Satan! Ugh, total dick move dude."
(Pride, Castle Magne)
The hardest part of the day thus far was to wake up and leave his bed, where his girlfriend remained after a night of him paying his debt to her off. The note and text were received well enough – he had to leave stupid fucking early to get to the King's home from his own – if the reserved emoji response Loona sent was anything to go by. Given it was followed by a selfie of a very happy, very satisfied, hot, little She Hound lying in his bed with the message 'Hurry Back' right after, he would say that she didn't hold his abrupt departure against him. He couldn't wait for their next nightly bout. He absently licked his chops and fought back the natural reaction that his body wanted so dearly to display. Nearly two weeks without, on both their ends, had made for a very enthusiastic night after dinner for the both of them..
At least Pickle is going to be happy today; she doesn't have to miss out on more time with 'Miss' Loona. He thought with a small smirk as he walked up the many steps to the King of Hell's front door. His tail wagged as he considered the bond his puppy and girlfriend shared, on the cusp of something he might consider familial love, before he considered why that bond existed and he started to growl. He cut it off with a shake of his head and recomposed himself as he stopped walking when he came up to the giant doors and checked his watch. The walk up the stairs took about fifteen minutes, hopefully this meeting didn't drag for too long. Think about it later. Serious time.
With his shoulders squared, Naruto reached up and pushed the very modern, duck-shaped doorbell that was set on the side of the doors. A series of quacks to the tune of a popular 'pup' song rang out and Naruto tilted his head.
"Huh. So, that's why it's called the 'Duck Dance' song." He muttered. A buzzer sounded once the rendition ended and he snapped back to attention. A sharp, irritated voice barked out through the speaker.
"How many fucking times do I have to tell you fuckwits? NO SOLICITORS!"
"I have a request that requires the King's approval!" Naruto snarled back. Whoever this little servant was wasn't going to get off using him as a bitch.
"Sure you do, fuckhead. Now get off of the front porch!"
"Motherfuck–It's in regards to a breach in Pride! Done by Humans!"
"Uh, yeah, they're called Sinners, dipshit! Seriously, you've got five fucking seconds to get the fuck off of the lawn before his majesty destroys it! Again!"
Well, shit. That sounded serious. Dammit, trump card time.
"It also pertains to the Princess' safety!" Naruto snapped, fed up with what would become an absolute runaround that would keeping him from spending time with his girlfriend and his puppy.
There was a long period of silence, almost too long, before the doors began to slowly creak open and dust fell in front of him. Naruto had to back away and cover his face – he didn't want to risk inhaling any of that shit; demon physiology be damned – and only lowered his arms once the cringe-inducing creak stopped. Once they were wide enough for him to enter, the broadcast speaker clicked on again.
"If you're lying, you will LIVE to regret it. Enter and explain yourself."
"Thanks, asshole." Naruto grumbled once it clicked off. He huffed, shook any potential dust away and squared himself up again before he walked in.
Right as his tail slipped through, the doors slammed shut with a speed that they couldn't display before. Naruto whirled around to glare at the doors. He checked the hinges, no sign of rust, but there was some kind of system connected to them. A pair of ropes that looked like they were just added connected the mid-end of each door to a complex system with gears that Naruto wouldn't begin to understand. His brow furrowed as he tried to puzzle it out, and his ears flicked back at the clack of heels on the floor.
"Impressive, isn't it?" The short, pale skinned humanoid with white clothes asked. He stopped not even a full arm's reach away, smiling at the doorway like he'd given birth to it. "Such a simple system, the pulley. See, those gears wind up and pull the ropes in, then lock in place with a simple tooth, and with the push of a single button, it releases. Simple. Oh, it could be more outlandish and ridiculous, like say, faster to open and close, but that requires more moving parts. And when those parts break, well...It's such a pain in the ass to replace them. It wastes so much of my fucking time."
"Right..." Naruto had to take a second to correlate what he saw and heard with what he knew. After that second he dropped to a knee, braced an arm over the other and ducked his head. "Your Majesty, I apologize for–"
"You said there was a potential threat to Charlie?" King Lucifer asked. "Well? I'm listening. And before you start, mutt, know that I know when someone is lying to me."
"Yes, Lord–."
"Your Majesty is fine. Now: Speak."
"Yes, Your Majesty." Naruto grit out before he took a breath. He knew dealing with the King of Hell was going to be like pulling teeth, but it hadn't even been a full minute yet. He just had to stay focused. "Two weeks ago, a small Imp-run company operated within Pride was performing a hired hit on Earth."
"Was this hit Sanctioned?" Lucifer asked.
"I...can't say for sure–"
"Then I don't care. That sounds like it's Satan's problem to solve." Lucifer deadpanned as he investigated his nails. "Three minutes to impress me, doggo. Get to the point."
"The Imps were ambushed during their return by government forces that managed to keep the portal they use to perform their jobs open." Naruto growled as he kept his head down. "They, along with two Hellhounds, were abducted and taken by humans, Your Majesty."
"Well, we better hope they don't discover anything with the corpses, shouldn't we?" Lucifer asked with a smirk. Naruto grit his teeth and swallowed the snarl. Don't be surprised, don't act out, it's the fucking King of Hell. He felt the weight of the King's gaze fall on him again. "Unless you have already recovered them?"
"We did, sir, with Beelzebub's blessing and that of my company's sponsors." A half-truth. Bee didn't know until after the fact, but she didn't bar him from passing and the Goetia that sponsored him didn't care what his company did with their names as long as it made them look good. Without his on the spot rescue, Queen Bee wouldn't know that her guards to the Gluttony Roadway to Earth were dead and gone. The cause of such deaths were still being investigated by Bravo Team – Shikamaru suggested an inside job and Naruto wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.
"...You're part of Bee's Horde?"
"Yes, sir."
"Hm. What was your stake in the rescue?"
"I thought you wanted to know about the threat–?"
"Oh, I can guess what the alluded threat is, and frankly I don't buy it." Lucifer shrugged. "Humans come to Hell as Sinners all the time. If they decide to come as they are because 'Science!' then, well, that just lessens my paperwork a bit, doesn't it? Now, what stake did you have in this mounted rescue?"
"...The Hounds taken were my girlfriend and my daughter."
"I see." Lucifer strolled around him, casually twirling his cane. "Girlfriend? What? Baby Momma isn't in the picture anymore? Bitch run off with another Hound and leave you with the scraps of a broken heart?"
"Bitch went and got herself killed after she dropped my puppy off on my stoop." Naruto admitted dryly, never ashamed to allude to his views on his dead ex with vulgar demeaning. He looked up when an apple-tipped cane pressed under his chin. Blue eyes met with red and Lucifer smiled toothily.
"I know who you are. You're the dick that keeps Bee stuck in Demon Deals. The one her boytoy cucked."
"...I am." Naruto nodded. Lucifer continued to stare at him. He pulled his cane away and began to examine it.
"You know, all things considered, this really has been a waste of my time. I've killed demons much stronger than you for much less." He said. "So, why come all the way up to me to get, don't tell me: Permission for a Retaliatory Hunt? Why not just ask Bee?"
"The offense took place in your Ring. Hell Law dictates I go to the Sin of the Ring." Naruto paraphrased. The real law was some flowery Latin shit that, though he could spend time memorizing it, doing so when studying for his degree was a certified pain in the ass.
"...Mm, shit, yeah it sure fucking does, doesn't it?" Lucifer scowled and rubbed his chin. "I should amend that...But why did you come? You have your girls and got the Imps back, right? The Humans that did it are dead, I would guess."
"Yes, but the Human that orchestrated it is still out there. Sir, Your Majesty...This human knows what I am. He took my girls – he took my lover," Naruto couldn't help the curl of his lips as his claws dug into his clenched fists, his eyeshine flared as the most ruthless snarl he could barely restrain slipped out. "The sonovabitch took my puppy! He threatened to experiment on them! He poisoned my daughter with something from Envy!"
"Well, shit. Are you even sure he's Human?" Lucifer asked with an arched brow.
"His scent says as much. A trusted source informed me that there wasn't enough demonic energy at our meeting site for it to be a Surface Walker or enough, uh..light, to be the Feathered Fucks."
"Careful, boy. I'm one of those Feathered Fucks." Lucifer warned and Naruto dipped his head down, ears flat. The King of Hell scrutinized him. "You really decided to risk your life by coming up to my Ring, to my Home, and intrude upon my morning? Why? Because your puppy got hurt?"
"Yes." Naruto held Lucifer's gaze and a silence settled over them. "I would do anything for my puppy. I'd fight you and the Asshat Upstairs if it meant she gets to grow up happy and safe."
"...That's fucking adorable." Lucifer chuckled. He grinned. "You'd fight me?"
"In a heartbeat."
"Knowing you could lose. Not just the fight, but your very life? Your puppy's life could be forfeit in your stead."
"Then I won't lose."
"Really?"
"Your Majesty...I'd topple your fucking throne before you could touch a single hair on my puppy." Naruto stared the King in the eye. "That, sir, is no threat. It's a promise."
"And if all I wanted was for you to beg, roll over and play dead?" Lucifer prodded, crocodilian grin still in place.
"Do you want it broadcast live or recorded for prosperity?" Naruto asked in turn, making sure to come across as dead serious as he could. "I mean it, Your Majesty. I would do anything for my Puppy. Prostrate myself before you, fight you for your crown, or even jumpstart Arma-fucking-Geddon. I would do anything."
"...Oh, I think I like you. You fucking get it!" Lucifer cackled. He flicked his hand and Naruto was on his feet. The King snapped his fingers. A rolled paper contract appeared hovering between them, two glowing serpents of fire holding it in place. The Hellhound looked at the deal offered to him and then the King of Hell. "You want my blessing to punish those above involved with the harming of your child? You can have it...If you sign this contract."
"...You misspelled 'Duck' twice in the second paragraph. And there's something about...Dying my scales twice every new moon? I don't think this is a contract for me, Your Majesty." Naruto muttered as he scanned the script. Lucifer blinked, twisted his hand and read over the contract. He snorted.
"Whoops! That's the wrong one–Wait." The King scrutinized him. "Are you...a lawyer?"
"Not practicing, but I got a law degree two years ago just before business kicked up." Naruto admitted. He frowned. "I wonder if there's a correlation..."
"Oh, yes, most certainly." Lucifer grinned as he waved the contract away. "A lawyer, a father, and a loyal dog...No wonder The Shadows are mad they lost you."
"The who?" Naruto asked instinctively and then bit down on his tongue. Shit. Lucifer definitely caught that slip. His teeth widened and his eyes lit up.
"Well, that's interesting. You know about the Shadows. Did Bee slip up? I'll bet she did. Her motormouth is as frequent a problem as much as her affinity to a good motorboat."
"Well, she doesn't have much to work with." Naruto muttered.
"True!" Lucifer chuckled. He smiled. "Good try changing the subject. Very slick, but I've been doing this since the start. Now, why don't you and I have a nice chat about what you know about the Shadows?"
"Your Majesty, all I know is what Kurama claims to be." Naruto sighed. He jerked back when Lucifer's power flared. His eyes narrowed.
"You spoke with him?"
"I've known him since I was part of a Pup Pack - a street gang," Naruto clarified when Lucifer arched a brow. He crossed his arms and shrugged. "Granted, I didn't know him as a Shadow then. He was just...Rama. An informant basically. He gave tips on where to make good deals and get food for the rest of the pack."
"Really? And what did Beelzebub think of that?"
"I don't think she knew he did it until...Shit, a month ago maybe?"
"...He was his own spy? Hm, I might have to grill you about this later." Lucifer mused as he tapped his chin. "My Shadows – the Tails of Treachery and Heresy – might be doing the same. But, that's beside the point. You came here to get approval for this vendetta of yours. Sure, have fun, but–!"
Lucifer held a finger up and glared at Naruto just as his tail started to wag. And he was so sure he'd be getting out of here in record time, too.
"You have to stop this cycle of Demonic Deals with Beelzebub. You have until the end of this month."
"What, but your–!"
"Ah ah. Be happy I'm being so lenient. End this farce of an arrangement, kid. I dunno why you started it and I do not fucking care." Lucifer deadpanned. "I'm sick of having to look up every fucking week to see her name on a Deal I have to watch for an entire fucking day. These past two have been nice, so nice that it's the only reason I'm giving you such a generous fucking window. Understood?"
"Yes, Your Majesty." Naruto sighed, shoulders sagged in defeat. The King of Hell grinned.
"Excellent. Then, do we have a deal?"
"Yes."
"C'mon, boy, be honored. I haven't made a deal like this in millennia. So, won't you shake the original Sinner's hand?" He extended a hand out and his smile became devious. Naruto stared down at it. He looked back up at the King and pursed his lips. He growled before he took the hand and gave it a firm shake. Lucifer beamed. "Wonderful. You have to the end of the month to end the deals or I will revoke my permissions. Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Uzumaki. Do have a safe trip home."
"Wh–?" He blinked and he was outside the doors, a claw still extended toward the duck-shaped doorbell. Naruto lowered his arm and checked his watch. It had been fifteen seconds since he last checked it before he pressed the buzzer. Time dilation? Manipulation? He almost didn't want to know if it actually happened.
The fact that a contract sat in his other hand told him it did. Pressed into a thick, freshly cooled wax seal was the Insignia of Lucifer Morningstar, the Seal of Pride. His phone buzzed and an unknown number appeared on his watch, a text beneath it.
(Tick-Tock, Uzumaki. Don't waste any time.)
It was halfway down the steps that Naruto realized he never gave the King his name. Furthermore it was once he was behind the wheel of his car that he realized he got what he wanted from the Sin of Pride.
Lucifer Morningstar...Holy Shit. Naruto shook his head before he started his car and shifted gears. With one hand on the wheel, he put his wireless headset in his ear and called his Personal Assistant.
"Naruto? Good morning, um, I thought you were going to meet with King–?"
"I did. We had, like, a forty five minute meeting in fifteen seconds."
"Can...Run that by me again?"
"It's a Helluva story, Pris. Sit down and take notes."
AN: Shorter than normal, I know. New job, might be slowed updates for a bit and I've been sitting on this tweaking it for a week.
One more chapter before we get conclusion to Halloween's revelation.
thanks for reading!