Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

Warning, this chapter is considered a slight spoiler into how events unfold for the next 'arc'. The only reason it got posted first was due to holiday requirements.

Who's That Father?

Rollin' (Dead Man Remix)

(Then: Cerberus Elementary)

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" The puppies on the playground chanted as they crowded around the two scrapping puppies. The smaller, orange, blue-eyed pup had his arms wrapped around the neck of the taller teal-hued older adolescent, his head tucked under the smaller pup's left armpit. The taller puppy whimpered and whined as the orange runt snarled and growled, his grip around the neck tightened. All the larger pup could do was claw at the smaller puppy's back and pants until the blocked airway became an issue.

"Legoshi's teetering!" "C'mon half-breed, you're part dragon ain't ya!" "Kill that halva's ass, Runt-oh!" "You've got this one, Uzumaki!" "Recess is almost over, guys! End this!"

"Say it..." The smaller puppy, Naruto, growled at his opponent. A weak growl had him curl his lip and jerk his arms. His legs kicked up to hook over the taller pup's shoulders. "I said, say it! Or I'm knocking you out here and now!"

Legoshi whined and feebly tried to shake himself free. Naruto growled and rocked his body forward before he jerked all of his weight back. The motion destabilized the half-breed and the two pups fell. Sure, Naruto's back might have started to sting a bit afterwards, but Legoshi's head was driven straight into the blacktop. A loud crack caught all of their ears, but the smaller puppy noticed the half-breed in his arms had gone completely and utterly limp. Something wet trickled into his arm and he released the taller boy.

He scooted away and got back to his feet, snarling and glaring at the wide eyed pups that were watching him.

Blood was pooling at Legoshi's head.

"Oh shit, Uzumaki killed him!"

"He's just unconscious!" Naruto snapped as he went to the taller boy's side and opened an eyelid. The pupil conclaved into a slit as light was forced upon it and the faint breathing was audible.

"What the fuck are you all doing over here? Bell's about to ring–Oh fucking shit. Goddammit Uzumaki!" One of the monitors, a silver coated tiger-striped Hellhound, swore and rushed to Legoshi's side.

"I didn't do nothing!" Naruto argued with a scowl as he backed away from Legoshi. "He started it!"

"He's bleeding, you little dumbass!"

"So?"

"So?!" The older Hellhound whirled on the scowling pup. "If I were your teacher–!"

"Mizuki, what's going on–? Ah, shit. A bleeder? ..Oh, come on, Naruto. Again?!" The brown, lean form of another older Hellhound groaned as he walked up and surveyed the situation. His face had heavy scarring and his right eye was closed on account of the massive pink scar over it. "Do you fucking like getting detentions? Is that it?"

"Hell no!" Naruto snapped as the bell rang. The other puppies fled, cowards, while Naruto was left to explain everything that happened. He scowled at the older Hounds that leveled him with stares. "He started it, got all pissy because a couple of the others wouldn't let him play Six-Side, and tried to force his way into the line waiting for our turn. I was two outs away from getting in, the shitter."

"Did he try to shove you?"

"He shoved Cho." Naruto nodded toward the large heavyset puppy trailing at the end of the pack of school puppies. "I told him off, he called me a runt and took a swing."

"So you what, decided to crack his skull?! How the fuck did you even manage that, Runt?!" Mizuki asked with a scowl. Naruto's blood boiled and his eyes shone.

"Want me to show you and crack yours?!"

"Mizuki, just take that pup to the nurse, alright? I'll handle Naruto." The other Hellhound sighed and ran his claws over his visibly scarred face. "Again."

"You have the patience of Lucifer, Iruka." Mizuki sighed and gathered Legoshi in his arms. He sneered at Naruto, who scowled back at him. "Count yourself lucky, brat. If it were up to me? You'd be on your way back to the Matron to explain yourself."

"Mizuki, it's a head wound. Get going." Iruka growled at the other Hound. The grey Hellhound huffed and stormed off with his charge in his arms. Iruka looked back down at Naruto, who glared back up at him. "What really happened?"

"I already told–!"

"The truth, Naruto."

"...I told him to apologize. Cho's dad died yesterday in a pit fight." Naruto grumbled. "He refused and asked if it was because they were both the same size."

"...I'm surprised Choji didn't react."

"He was really close to his dad," Naruto said with a frown and crossed his arms. His ears dropped and his tail curled around his ankles. "Guy's been through enough, I told him I'd handle it...was gonna stop as soon as he apologized. Stupid lizard."

"Draconian Pride is often their downfall." Iruka sighed. He rubbed his head. "Well, how bad did he get you?"

"Just some scratches. Nothing serious."

"You know what has to happen now, right?"

"I know." Naruto bit down on his lip to quell the whimper that was going to follow. Iruka knelt down and offered his hand, paw up claws open.

"Left or right?"

"Which did we do last time?"

"Left."

"Dang it." Naruto sighed and offered his right arm. "I hate writing with my left hand. Looks like crap and they always mark me down for it."

"Well, if you didn't make him bleed we'd get away with a finger. Ready?"

"No–fuck!" Naruto yelped as a loud crack rang out. He let his eyes clenched shut and swallowed his whimpers as he cradled his freshly broken arm. Stupid corporal punishment, when he was older he was gonna make sure it was done away with because this shit sucked. "Shit, always hurts so fuckin much–"

"Then stop picking fights all the time, Naruto. Fuck's sake, kid. I told you I'd help you out," Iruka sighed as he picked the pup up by his scruff. "Try and keep it level while I carry you alright?"

"Yeah, whatever." Naruto grumbled as his legs instinctively curled up and his tail followed suit. As they walked in silence, a beat passed before he uttered a quiet. "Thanks, 'Ruka."

Just quiet enough for Naruto to faintly hear him, the older Hellhound huffed out a chuckle.

"Anytime, 'Ruto."

(Now: Pride, Buckzo Apartment)

"For fuck's sake, Blitzø!" Loona snarled as she shoved her adoptive father out of the bathroom with her foot. Her hands were preoccupied with the mascara primer and brush she was attempting to use when the half-dressed imp – it was a fucking mercy he had actual pants on – rudely pushed the door open. "Get a fucking clue, would you?! What part of 'occupied' don't you fucking get?!"

"The part where I have to drop a fucking deuce! What, do you expect me to go all the way down the hall to the janitorial closet and take a shit in that lazy, overpaid fuck's mop bucket?!" Blitzø argued before he paused. "Y'know, on that note–maybe I should do that. Er, no, wait. This might be a big, solid one. Might get an award if I get the right surroundings for it."

"Fuck's sake... Stop telling me about your shitty plans!" Loona snarled. She tilted her head and grumbled as she pulled the brush over her eyelid. She growled when she heard him juggling the door handle. "Fucking asshole...Look, I don't care what your fucking problem is, Blitzø, I was in the fucking bathroom first and I need to get ready! Naruto's going to be here in an hour, if not fucking sooner–!"

"Why the fuck does that asshole keep coming here?! Why can't you meet him at his place? I'll even fuckin' drive you!" Blitzø offered. It was an earnest one, Loona could tell. Unfortunately, she also knew that his 'earnest' offers were the most suspicious. Fucking helicopter dad...Even Naruto wasn't this overbearing with the Squirt, and he ran fucking background checks on her fucking classmates for crying out loud!

"It's fucking bad enough that you're here all the fucking time." Loona grumbled. When Blitzø started to jostle the doorknob again, she snarled. "If you fucking knew where he lived we'd never have a fucking moment's peace to fuck!"

"You don't know that!"

"Yeah, because you fucking showing up at Kacey's while we were making out was totally incidental!" Loona scoffed.

"That bitch wasn't good enough for you! She was seeing other hounds–!"

"It's called an open relationship, dumbass! I fucking agreed to it!" Mostly because she had hot MILF energy and Loona just wanted some fucking action. Hm, maybe Loona had a thing for older hounds? No, Naruto was her age and he ticked off the same boxes – and then some – that Kacey did.

"You were barely eighteen! She was forty-five! It's called being a predator, Loony!"

"I'm not fucking arguing about this with you again." Loona growled as she moved onto the next step of her makeup prep. "Bad enough that I lost the first fucking time."

"Look at what happened the last time he was with you! He flipped out at you for no fucking reason when it was his stupid cute puppy that caused the whole problem!"

"That doesn't fucking count, he was fucking scared for her safety, you ignorant dipshit!" She snapped and applied primer to her left lashes. She was so fucking lucky Naruto didn't break up with her then and there. Why? She hadn't a clue, but she wasn't going to complain. This was the first time they'd be going out, let alone back to Earth, since then. "He already fucking apologized, Blitzø, so stop fucking trying to stir that shit up again!"

"Aha! I have a point and you fucking know it, Loony-Toony! He's a fucking single father! You know who knows what single fathers are fucking like? Me!" Blitzø snapped. "I'm a fucking mess! I wouldn't date me in a million years!"

"Oh, for the love of everything evil!" Loona groaned and finished off her eyeshadow then jumped to the mascara. She tried to slow down, lest she fuck her hard work up this late in. She took a moment to recollect herself, steadied her hands on the sink and barked at the door when the knob jostled again. "He's nothing like you, Blitzø! He's a fully functioning demon, that even pretends to act like a fucking grown adult! He's not a walking, talking dumpster fire that can't commit to anyone without having an existential fucking crisis!"

Was that too much? Might've been. Loona was just sick of hearing her adoptive father talk shit about the guy she liked a bit more than 'like' could accurately describe. Extremely tolerated? No, that sounded stupid. And it wasn't just a heavy dose of Lust, either. She knew that feeling, and this wasn't it. Shit, it's only been a few months, was it too soon for her to call it–?

"Loony, that's no way to talk to your father!" Blitzø's hurt was evident in his vitriol, and pulled her out of her thoughts about her feelings, thank fuck.

"Fucking–!" Loona grit her teeth and focused on what she was doing. She was not going to embarrass herself by looking stupid when she went out with her boyfriend. So she decided to take a page out of his book: complete argument shutdown. "I'm fucking done arguing about this, Blitzø! I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight! Don't fucking try to stop me or I will do something we both regret!"

"Like what?!"

"Like, shit, maybe I'll just fucking move out!" Loona snapped. She almost winced. That was definitely a bit too far over the line. However, Blitzø seriously needed to understand that she had her limits, too. She wouldn't cut ties but... fuck, sometimes being a Ring or two away from the guy that adopted her didn't sound awful.

"...Yeah, w-well, fucking fine! I'll just go do something with Mox and Mills tonight! Maybe play some blackjack or get a bunch of hookers! Even both! Might even go out and buy a bunch of fucking cocaine and beer!" Ah, he was trying to get her to engage, huh? Tough shit. She wasn't falling for it.

"Whatever makes you shut the fuck up." Loona muttered under her breath, too quiet for him to hear. Her notched ear twitched at the sound of the aggravated Imp's stomps and grumbling growing faint before the door slammed. He must've accepted the argument being over and went to shit elsewhere. Thank fuck.

She topped off a final stroke over her lashes before she smiled at her reflection in the mirror. Gone was the mess and unkempt wreck that she'd been for a portion of the month – her half-assed look whenever she was working didn't count – that was a very happy Hellhound smiling back at her from the mirror. Given that Naruto told her to stick with casual, she opted to wear her usual top and shorts, and that he'd explain it on the ride up.

As long as we don't start a fight...Tonight should be good. Loona nodded at her reflection and cracked the bathroom door open. She scanned the apartment and, upon verifying Blitzø's absence, went over to snag her phone from where it was charging on the counter. Her eyes narrowed thoughtfully. She could've sworn she left it at a different angle– a chime and notification had her ears perk up and tail wag.

(Just got to Pride)

(R u ready or should I circle the block?)

Fucking thoughtful prick, he knew how important she thought her makeup application was. Loona felt her chest tighten again, recalling the fight they had and how close it was to being the end of it. She shunted the unsettling, mercifully metaphorical churn in her gut to the side and sent a reply.

(I'm ready)

(Meet U outside)

Loona didn't even have to wait a full minute before another ding went off.

(C ya then)

It was only three words, but it got her tail to go full wag and her small smile would be called blinding if she cared about showing it to anyone.

(Pride, Imp City Streets)

Glowing sulfuric eyes narrowed from behind the dash of I.M.P.'s black van. Burnt fingers curled into the leather wheel. Sharp, shark-like teeth ground together in a bared grimace.

"Fuckin' one day we're all allowed to go up and she's going out with him?! After the shit he pulled?! Yeah, I'll go hang with Mox and Mils..After I'm sure you're not getting taken advantage of!" Blitzø scowled when a fancy, expensive – it was according to his shitty bank account's point of view, anyway – black four door Surgat pulled up to the curb outside of their apartment. Blitzø shifted into gear and got ready to follow the two hounds. He wasn't going to lose track of this-this-this fucking abuser in the making!

Watching the giant fuckwad get out of his car and rub his temples was slightly cathartic. Weird that the car started rocking, maybe it was a feature? Blitzø didn't know, he could only dream of owning a reliable ride like that – Hell standards and prices were inverted, apparently. Any demon worth their salt could get a nice sports car for cheap, but those things were only good for like a year before the next model shot out and dominated the rings. The I.M.P. Van was purchased by Stolas under a pseudonym, and it was a wasting pile of scrap in the making – and the fact that this daughter-stealing, name-calling beefcake asshat had one only irked Blitzø all the more.

He felt a vein pop when his gorgeous girl popped out of the apartment and was welcomed into an embrace that bordered 'too friendly' for his liking. And her tail was wagging! Ugh! Inconceivable!

"Fucking unbelievable that she's even– oh, that's just gross." He scowled when the giant hound rubbed his muzzle along Loona's. He snarled when the Hellhound clacked his teeth just along the front of her nose. "No, Loony, don't let him assault you like that! He just fucking bit you! Fight back, dammit!"

Of course, given he was parked a building away with all the windows up, his demand was unheard and ignored. But, when did Blitzø ever care about semantics like that? He huffed as the stupid orange hound and his tight ripped black jeans walked Loona around to the passenger side and let her in. The Hellhound let his head roll back and laughed when he shut the door as he walked back to the driver's seat.

"Fuckin finally. Let's see what debauchery you're getting her into, you waste of space assclown." Blitzø sneered. He waited for the Sugat's taillights to reach the end of the street before he followed. About ten minutes into the drive, he drummed his fingers on the wheel and groaned. "Why are the streets so fucking empty?! I'm gonna get seen!"

Maybe he could abandon this and save face by going to visit Mox and Mils? They probably weren't doing anything important.

(Gluttony: Brain & Brawn's BNB)

"So..!" Moxxie had no idea how he wound up in this situation. He drummed his hands on the table and laughed nervously as he sat across from the Baphomet that co-owned and lived with his platonic life partner. What the fuck even was that? "Platonic life partner, huh?"

"Demisexual." The Baphomet drawled as he mixed a cup of tea. "Cho's Ace. You?"

"Erm, Bi. Millie's the straight arrow." Moxxie gulped and glanced at the kitchen as three distinct laughs were accompanied by a puppy's happy squeal. "Um, how would–?"

"This work? You'd pay rent for her if and when needed, cover educational costs if she wants to resume college classes, or take up a day as a puppy sitter." The Baphomet drawled. His eyes narrowed at the Imp. "The last one may be off of the table, considering recent events."

"Ah, heh…We were tricked?"

"That really doesn't help your argument." The Baphomet leaned forward. "And your personal history makes me nervous. I don't like being nervous. It's a pain in the ass to be nervous."

"Ohh, I know the feeling!" Moxxie laughed uneasily. He groaned and pulled at his collar. "L-look, I did things in the past I'm not proud of–"

"Oh, I'm not talking about your record in Greed. Got expunged and cleared when my Boss took your father's name as his property."

"..Wh..Huh?"

"Crimson Knolastname, the Imp, his properties and all of his wealth is now owned by Wild Things Facilitated. That includes you, Moxworth Knolastname."

"I prefer Moxxie."

"I don't care." The Baphomet growled as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it with the flame atop his head. He took a drag and exhaled in his face. "I'm not a stupid sheep lost from the flock, Moxworth. What you do for a living, you and your wife? I think it's important. Long term, great idea. Your management, though, needs to be reworked."

"Wh-what are you saying?" Moxxie asked. The Baphomet flared his nostrils.

"You're not an idiot, Moxworth. And you're a shit actor. Stick with killing humans, it's what you're good at." The Baphomet took a drag. "But get your dipshit of a boss under control, before mine agrees with me and has him removed from the board."

"You...you want me to control Blitzø?"

"Guide him away from stupid decisions, keep him occupied with the job, get him nice and fucked by Prince Stolas, or kill him. I don't fucking care.." The lamb-like demon took a sip of his tea. "If I have to save his company from getting bailed out of danger by discovery again? I'll take initiative."

"Wh..What does this have to do with Maureen?" Moxxie asked. The Baphomet leaned across the table and grabbed his horn. He pulled him with a deceptively strong yank that didn't match his scrawny physique.

"The only fucking reason you have this opportunity is because the Nobles don't like it when Hounds overstep or get help at their level. She was Beta's pup first." The Baphomet shoved the lit cigarette into Moxxie's mouth and he whimpered as it tickled his esophagus. "That's the only warning you'll get. Next time? I'll let Buster talk to you."

"Wh-Who's Buster?"

"He's known as the Ass-Buster from his brief time in the porn industry."

"...Oh! Him?" Moxxie felt his body freeze as his asshole clenched. He may have seen a video or two back when he and his ex-boyfriend Chaz were a thing. That Hellhound made Chaz's, ahem, tool look like a joke.

"Yeah. So unless you like being cucked–"

"Right." Moxxie squeaked. The Baphomet let him go and shoved him back to his seat just as Maureen walked with with a wagging tail. The teenage mother looked a decade younger as she grabbed the baphomet's wrist and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Shikamaru! You've got to see this trick Miss Millie can do with a knife! C'mon!"

"Ugh, yeah, yeah, kid you don't have to be a drag."

Moxxie groaned and coughed the butt of the cigarette out just as the giant jovial Bernard-like Hellhound walked over to join him at the table.

"Shika give you his warning?" He asked with a small laugh and clapped a massive hand onto Moxxie's shoulder when he nodded and coughed again. "Good. I'll keep it simple, if my puppy or her puppy get hurt on your watch? I'll rip your wife's head off, and make you watch."

Moxxie believed him.

(Earth: North America, Suburbia Cul-De-Sac)

Despite the abundance of human children scurrying around Loona smiled as she and Naruto walked down the street, his arm around her shoulders and tucked into his left side while their tails wagged and flirted with each other. They made quite a sight for anyone that would know better, but to most, they looked like a couple of professionally costumed, punk-themed 'where wolves'. As, rather than his typical militia wear, her boyfriend wore a white wife beater and had a pair of torn black jeans on. She was not complaining about the aesthetic in the slightest, nor the contact they shared or even the gazes that lingered on them.

Their eyes were glued to the puppy running amongst the human children, pulling off what had to be the simplest and best heist Loona had ever seen enacted. And she'd seen the security recording of Blitzø's botched job performed at West Greed National. He was never living that down.

"I can't believe this is fucking working. Humans are fucking braindead." She mumbled.

"This is the kind of thing that makes Earth worth a damn visit." Naruto rumbled as the Squirt jogged up to a human's front door and pressed on the doorbell. After a moment, a male partially wrapped in toilet paper – the fuck was that even supposed to be? Shit, some of the humans' 'costumes' were just fucking bizarre and didn't make any fucking sense – pulled the door open.

"Trickery Treat!" Himawari smiled with all of her teeth and let her tail wag wildly as she held open a bloodstained burlap sack.

"Oh ho! Look at you! What a cute little werewolf!" The living toiletries dispenser cooed at the puppy. Loona felt Naruto's chest swell with Pride, and yeah. If even humans thought the Squirt was cute in her purple skull shirt and black skirt, her deep blue hair pulled back into a high ponytail, then the puppy was cute. "Those are some sharp looking teeth, sweetie. Here, a reward from the benevolent Pharoah Tooth-ankhamun for such a good job keeping them clean!"

"Er...Thank you?" The Squirt's ears dropped a bit when the toilet-man put some kind of thin utensil into her sack along with a small white square. She walked back over to them as she dug the items out. "The heck are these?"

"I think this is a human's toothbrush." Naruto mused as he took the item when it was offered to him and sniffed it. He shuddered. "Ugh, mint. Yeah, that's a dentist for you. He must've given you some floss, too."

"But he didn't dance?" Himawari tilted her head. Loona snorted.

"Dental floss, Squirt. It's..Humans make weird shit for stupid fucking reasons." She said, taking the white square and cracking it open. A stronger scent of mint filled the immediate air and the two older Hellhounds gagged. "Ugh, fuck! That's too strong."

"Agreed." Naruto snatched it from her and dumped it in the nearest sewer grate, along with the flimsy ass bristled toothbrush. "How they clean their teeth with such cheap crap, I'll never understand. Sheet metal works just fine."

"No shit? I always just scrape mine with a razor blade." Loona hummed.

"I like to use razor blades, too!" Himawari chirped up at her before she looked at the next house. "Ooh, Daddy, can we go there next? They're offering Jaw..Brack-ers?"

"Breakers, Pickle. Jawbreakers." Naruto chuckled and put his arm back around Loona. "Yeah, it looks like a 'challenge' house. I heard about these, basically we have to get through the house without freaking out to get candy."

"You heard about that? Where? On a How To Parent podcast?" Loona teased. He smirked back at her.

"Maybe it was. Didn't know you listened to them."

"Mm, been thinking about it." She smirked at him. He growled down at her and stole a kiss that she immediately used to snatch another. Once their lips parted, she pointed ahead of them. "Look alive, babe. Pup's on the run."

"Wha–? Shit. Pickle, heel!" Naruto barked at the puppy that was almost at the house. She stopped on a dime and looked back at them with a wagging tail. He huffed out a sigh and grumbled low. "One of you is going to give me a fucking heart attack one day."

"You're such a fucking drama queen."

"Don't hear you complaining." Naruto grumbled at her and yeah, she wasn't. Blitzø's dramatics were always fucking annoying as shit. Naruto's were only occasionally annoying.

Though, that could change depending on how frequent they were.

Three thick firs were set along the lawn and laughably fake spider webbing was strewn about. They even pushed for a fog machine, and at the foot of the driveway was a very, very short human kid wearing mismatched gloves, a blue tailed dress coat over a yellow polo with a vertical red stripe, and a very fake, very unrealistic top hat. Then there was the brat's voice, like someone dragged vocal chords with a cheese grater.

"Step right up! Step right up to Evil Eddy's Horrendous House of Horrors! Only a quarter to enter! That's right, it only costs a quarter!"

"...Why is it always fucking Greed?" Naruto muttered lowly as he dug around in his pocket. Three 'quarters' were dropped into the kid's hat, revealing his three long single strands of hair. Just before they walked in, Loona looked up at Naruto and opened her mouth. "I saw it, too. And no, I don't think that's normal for humans."

"Watch your step! This is the entrance to something terribly scary!" The cliche recording was cued to go off when the door opened, evident by a very obvious pully system that looked like it was made of garbage.

"I'll give the brat this, he's got a future in engineering." Naruto – who had to hunch a bit because his nine foot frame barely fit in the hallway – muttered as they walked through a haunted house thrown together by scraps and junk. A mutilated rubber chicken taped to a set of bat wings flew across the hallway.

"This is stupid." The Squirt whined. She yipped when her foot got caught in one of the pull strings and almost fell down the open stairway to the basement. Loona caught her by the scruff and cut the wire wound around her foot. The puppy smiled up at her. "Thanks, Miss Loona!"

"Don't mention it, Heema–Did you hear that?" Loona asked as her ear flicked toward the sound of another faint snap of twine.

The whole house groaned ominously.

"Pickle, you were right. This is stupid." Naruto grumbled before he pulled both She-Hounds into his arms. He covered them with his larger frame and growled: "I better get my fucking money back."

A concerning crackle of breaking wood tickled their ears before a small section of plaster above them gave way and another human child fell from the ceiling with a yell. This one had pink rubber gloves on up to his elbows, long red socks, purple shorts, an orange shirt and a black hat. He rolled onto his stomach and put his hands to his back, rubbing them carefully over it. A pitiful groan escaped his lips.

"Oww...my lumbar three..."

"...Well, plus side, the building didn't fall on us, yet." Naruto deadpanned. He let Loona and the Squirt back away before he started making his way back to the front door. "Alright, that's enough of this death trap in the making–"

"But Daddy! What about the Jawbreakers?" The Squirt pulled at his claw.

"I'll buy some on the way home." Naruto huffed and growled at his Puppy when she whined up at him. "Stop it, Himawari. I said I'd buy some, didn't I?"

"You could do that or..we could just walk through the exit that's, you know, right fucking there." Loona pointed to the exit that was no less than ten feet away, revealed by the fallen false wall that had come down with the human kid's crash landing. He growled but his hackles fell and his shoulders slumped. She smirked and let the puppy run ahead of her, before she took her boyfriend's wrist. "You really think your luck's that bad that two buildings would fall on you and your puppy?"

"Don't start, Loo. I'm still getting my money back from the little shitter running this death trap." He grumbled and tucked her firmly into his side again. He was still tense, but the extra warmth against the weirdly cold house was always welcomed. She smirked and let her arm slip around the back of his waist while her tail flirted with his. He growled down at her but kept his eyes on The Squirt. "That is not helping."

"Never said I'd be trying to–"

The surprised yelp had them both focus on the lone puppy with them. She wasn't hurt, but rather darted around a taller human boy while her tail wagged wildly. The boy was painted green with matching cardboard strapped to him in select spots to give him a blockier build. His eyes seemed a bit unfocused.

"Whoa! Daddy he burst through the wall like it was nothing!" A glance showed that it was a wall made of tissue boxes, but both older Hounds let the unobservant puppy have her fun. A tentative claw poked into the taller

"I am Franken-Ed! Made of the parts of your frail human corpses! Here to conquer the planet in the name of my creator, Vorthox of Planet Zerium!" The boy declared.

"...Kid's loud, but creative." Naruto muttered. Loona snorted at the understatement.

"What are you doing disguised as a dog, Human Girl?!"

"I'm not a dog..." Himawari pouted for all of a second before she shook her head and growled. She bared claws and fangs. "I'm a Hellhound!"

"Cool!" The boy gave her a thumbs up. "Your costume looks really good! Eddy said I had to wear this one because the others were starting to recognize Robo-Ed."

"You have a robot costume, too?!"

"Oh, no." Naruto groaned into his free hand. Loona looked up at him as he let out a small whine. "I'll explain it once we get out of here – Hey, Pickle, are you about done?"

"Daddy, Miss Loona!" The jittery, wound up puppy grabbed his and Loona's claws and tugged them along toward the weirdly dressed imaginative human boy. "Come meet Ed! He's got a robot costume and a zombie costume and a whole bunch of alien stuff–!"

"That's great, Pickle. But we have to finish up if we want to hit the rest of the houses. Remember? Then we have to go home." Naruto looked pointedly down at his puppy, whose wagging tail slowed to a stop.

"Oh. Yeah." Oomph, the twinge in her chest that sad puppy face caused was pretty rough. No wonder Naruto always told the puppy to knock it off. "Can we come back next year?"

"Uh–?"

"We'll see." Loona smirked and crossed her arms before she nodded to the boy, Ed. "Sup kid. Nice cardboard."

"Thanks! It's the kind that my mom gets my baby sister Sarah's Miss Pretty Pants Dollies delivered to her in! They shove them all into the basement with me, well, when they don't take the stairs away."

Okay, so many flags were just raised. First, this kid was on a spectrum somewhere. Which spectrum and where, Loona didn't know, nor did she really care. He was on it like a fucking hangman on a noose.

Second, why did he live in the basement? Like, she wasn't one to talk because she wasn't a parent nor even human, but 'As Above So Below' was a thing for a reason. She did not want to wake up one day and find the apartment's stairwell missing one day because of a late tax or fee or some shit.

Oh, and on that wonderful thought, Third: Why the fuck would any parent take away the stairs to the basement their child lives in?! Like, hello?! Child services?! What the actual fuck?!

"Ooph, sounds rough, kid. Do they take the stairs away often?" Naruto asked, likely noticing the same flags she was, if how his voice gained a slight growl to it was anything to go by.

"Nah, it was only twice, usually after Eddy's plans fall apart. This time should be okay, though! It's his Trick 'r Treat jawbreakers he's trying to keep from giving out so he can keep them for himself, and share with me and Double D."

"...Oh, really?" There were far too many teeth in Naruto's smile. Loona looked away to hide her amusement, not just at her boyfriend. The sock head kid's name was what? No way that wasn't intentional.

"Whoa! You're like a giant Fuchsifa from the Glovutro System! That's a really articulate mask and even sharpened teeth. Is it battery powered?" Ed leaned forward and poked at Naruto's stomach. "Cool, the fur is fluffier than my dad's shavings! You got stilts in there? An exoskeleton to make you bigger?"

"Something like that." Naruto smiled tightly. "Tell me, kid, how much does the average jawbreaker cost?"

"A dollar and seventy-five cents."

"Two dollars? These things better be the size of fucking watermelons." Naruto grumbled as he pulled his wallet out and pulled out a ten. "Here, kid. Take your friend – Double D is the one groaning over there right? – and go buy yourselves some candy or something tomorrow. Then get the fuck out of here."

"Okay! Thanks, Mister Hound! Bye Missus Hound, bye Hello Hound!" Ed waved and ran off to gather the groaning boy they'd walked past. "C'mon, Double D! We can get some butter for your back!"

"Ice, Ed." The plaster kid, Double D (snrk), corrected him faintly.

"Alright. Now." Naruto grabbed Himawari by the scruff before he tucked her onto his side and carried her with him as he led Loona out. "I'm losing my luster for this shithole."

"Eager to find another building that might fall on you?"

"Loo, I dunno what your game is, but I'm this close to losing it."

That was fine, Loona wanted a nice hard fuck before the night ended. And if they could pawn the puppy off on some unreliable sap– A wild and twig-riddled Blitzø dropped down from a tree onto his face just as they walked out through the back door. Annoying, but also convenient.

"Aha! Loony, I heard screams and figured that greedy brat out front tried to catch you to sell you online as a sex slave! I told you that you couldn't fucking trust..that..asshole... Um, why is the puppy carrying a bloody bag?" He asked. The Squirt whined happily and dropped out of her dad's arms to run over and hug Blitzø. Loona was pretty sure all three of them felt their brains go complete and total 'blue screen'.

"Mister Blitz! Hi! Happy Howl-ween!" The terrifying smile of the puppy beamed up at Blitzø and he, just like Loona before him, was left at a loss for words by the sheer adorableness. "This is my candy bag! Are you gonna come Tricker Treating with us?!"

"I..uh..I mean.."

"The fuck he is!" Loona grumbled as her higher functions caught up with the situation and she made to stride forward. Blitzø was a destructive ball of chaos on a good day, and while it was funny as fuck to see him unleash that on someone else, she was not letting him ruin the pup's night because he was a fucking helicopter parent. Naruto tightened his arm around her.

"Actually, I don't think that's a bad idea at all."

What?!

"Babe–!" Loona turned to look up at him and saw a gleam in his pretty blue eyes.

"We've only got a few houses left to swipe from and then we need to sort through the take before Pickle eats it all." He suggested and leaned down. Low enough to be left unheard by Blitzø's shit Imp ears, he whispered. "If we let him follow for a bit, Himawari will have him wrapped around her finger. Guaranteed."

"What, is she part succubus?" Loona grumbled.

"Might be a latent thing." Naruto shrugged. Um, wait, what? He grinned, ignoring her befuddlement and pushed his cool nose tip against the notch in her ear. Filthy fucking, cheating, sexy ass, mother–! "And if he agrees to help her go through her candy cache later...guess who can slip away, unnoticed?"

"...He'd try to follow us."

"With the threat of losing my puppy? Of pissing off my grandfather?" Mm, good point, her boyfriend's perverted gramps really had it out for Blitzø.

After she and Naruto had their first fight, but before they made up, Jiraiya made his very fucking memorable house call to I.M.P.'s office. Turns out, 'The Toad', was short for "The Fire Toad Eater", i.e., one of the three fucking lower castes of demons that made a Lucifer-praised Name for himself in the last century. His cohorts, The Sloth Princess and The White Serpent – both had much better names in Loona's opinion – also made themselves known. How were they so well known?

They fought Satan to a draw.

Satan.

The motherfucking Sin of Wrath.

Lucifer's left hand enforcer.

Three low-lives, glorified thugs, became sensations of Hell overnight and totally revamped the beliefs of demons everywhere. They were the reason the Coalition of Kings Tournament even existed. The same tournament that her boyfriend won when he had freshly turned eighteen. The same tournament he was going to enter again next year.

Loona growled in approval of the thought and leaned into Naruto's affectionate nuzzling. Fine, Blitzø could crash another of her days out. But he was babysitting after, and if anything happened to that puppy...Well, Jiraiya would handle it for her.

"Fine, he can come." She verbally relented. The Squirt and Blitzø beamed, the former chattered excitedly at the latter. It was surprising how well on they got, more so that the Imp hadn't really screwed up too much around the puppy yet. Loona gave it another two interactions. Tops.

"Figured you'd see it my way." Her boyfriend murmured, amusement dripped from his words as his wagging tail flirted with hers.

"Shut the fuck up and let's go supervise these heists already." She wanted to get this candy snatch shit over with so she could get some quality time in with her boyfriend who she's missed.

"You're such a pushy little bitch when you're horny." He chuckled and her ears burned.

"Shut the fuck up."

Smooth, Loona. So fucking smooth.

(Earth, North America)

Naruto felt great. His puppy was happy, his girlfriend was horny and her father wasn't giving him a constant stink eye. On top of that, he scared the absolute fuck out of that cheapskate kid that tried to cheat the rest of the neighborhood out of getting candy purchased solely for the purpose of giving away. His money was recovered and the brat was nursing a very sore ear after he went back inside to call his mother. She wasn't as bad as Ed's – taking the stairs away from the basement dwelling brat had to be fucking illegal; humans could not be that fucking self-destructive, right? – but expecting this little shitter to give away his favorite candy without protest? She was kind of a dumbass.

But that was houses ago. Finally, they were at the last house, just before the end of this part of the night.

"Thank you, and enjoy the freshly pulled turnips from my grandmama's fields!" A weird kid in a yellow and blue uniform waved at the departing family. He smiled as they approached and then sniffed the air. He gasped and threw his bowl. "Demons! Demons walking amongst us! Rolf knew this day would come!"

"...What the fuck is wrong with this kid–? Oof!" Blitzø grunted as he was knocked down by a rapidly flying potato.

"Rolf had wished to believe the new world would be free of you devils! To think, you followed Rolf all this way from the old country!" The boy, Rolf, cried out in his thickly accented tongue. The child pointed his potato gun at Himawari and…Naruto kind of blacked out after that.

He came back to coherency around thirty minutes later. Sitting in the backseat of his car, his puppy rifling through her candy bag on his lap, while Loona drove and bickered with Blitzø in the passenger seat. Something about where the van was parked?

"What the fuck happened?" He asked once he got his head screwed back on. Naturally, he wasn't heard by the bickering daughter and father in the front of his car. Before he could repeat the question, his puppy looked up at him and oh fuck no, look at all the chocolate on her face.

"Daddy! You were so cool!" His sweet, sugar high Pickle cried out as she turned around to stand on his legs and grin at him. Fuck, he was going to have to give her a bath before that shit hardened in her fur. "You were all like grr, and the boy was all like ahhh! Then you went roar and pounced at him and the boy went eee! And then his pig ran in and tried to take you down, but you cut him up with your claws and used his intestines to tie up the boy and he fell asleep hanging from the rafter! Then some old lady with a wheelie chair came out and shot at us, but the human police were there at that point and–"

"Oh, hey, look Loony! The rabid psychopath you think is your boyfriend is finally fucking awake!" Blitzø snapped. The car came to a screeching halt.

Huh, they weren't too far from the secret North American Gate to Hell, which was just outside the turnpike into Jersey City. Well, Loona did see how he got there...wait, then, where the fuck did Blitzø park–? Actually, that was not his biggest problem right now.

"Pickle, how many candy bars did you eat?"

"And the officers were like, 'get down on the cussin ground-!' and you were all rawr! –Huh? Oh, not a lot, only five pieces and I ate the wrappers so there wasn't a mess!" The purple pup with chocolate smeared on her muzzle lied to him. Blatantly so. No way five bars left so much of a mess!

"Himawari Uzumaki. How many candy bars?" Naruto growled. Hyped up on sugar as she was, at least the pup could tell when he was on the verge of getting upset.

"...More than five?"

"How. Many." He curled his lip and she whined.

"She had like fucking eighteen and some more I snagged from the dead brat's place while the cops were trying to put you in the dirt. Damn, let the kid live a little!" Blitzø snapped with a huff. Naruto felt his eyes twitch and gave his daughter an incredulous stare. She whined and shrunk in on herself. Oh yeah, she should cry because now she absolutely was in trouble. A scoff from the front had him look back at the lone Imp amongst them. "Loony, c'mon, I know I parked somewhere nearby–"

"Blitzø, we'll find the van. You take the pup back to the apartment – and only the fucking apartment!" Loona snarled at him, getting in his face. He opened his mouth and she shoved a clawed finger up toward him. "No, uh-uh, you crashed my night out, you stole the fucking candy, and you let her dig into her bag! You made this fucking mess, Dad. So, you get to clean it up!"

The irate she-hound got out of the driver's seat and before Naruto could register what happened, he was hauled out and held above her head. He blinked dumbly at his equally stunned puppy. He never suspected Loona was capable of this, and she got him out without damaging the car either. Bonus?

"You're staying at my place with Blitz tonight, Squirt. Be good, don't get candy all over my room and you can crash on my bed. Deal?"

What? Wait, doesn't he get a say in–?

"Deal!" His Pickle jumped on the arrangement all too easily, which, fair. Last time they spent the night at Loona's, just before their first big fight – which was absolutely his fault, but only to a point – Himawari had fallen in love with Loona's bed. Figuratively, anyway. She liked sleeping there more than her own bed, which meant Naruto would have to eventually buy the bed off of Loona...probably. Or move her in with them. Whichever happened first.

"Good." Loona nodded before she glared at Blitzø. "The fuck are you still sitting here for?! Get going before I call her Grump on your ass!"

"Right! Right, we're going!" The Imp stammered before he crawled into the driver's seat and floored it. Naruto blinked again and then looked down at his deceptively strong girlfriend.

"Are you going to let me down now? Or should I call someone about being kidnapped?"

"It's not kidnapping if someone knows where you are." Loona growled back as she stalked away from the street. Where was–? Oh, hey. A motel. Neat.

...Why were they at a motel?

"Because I need a fuck, a smoke and some alcohol. Not exactly in that order. And this shithole has an open bar attached to it."

Oh, he said that out loud. And would you look at that, it does have an open bar. Not to mention the sign.

"Costumed patrons get free drinks? Must be a slow night if they didn't offer that." Naruto blinked. He looked down at his girlfriend again. "I can walk, y'know."

"Don't trust you. You flipped your shit back at that neighborhood, took out eight cops before you stopped when the Squirt was put in your arms. I'm not dragging another instinct-driven idiot around trying to avoid fucking SWAT teams again. It's just fucking easier to carry you."

"Uh-huh." Naruto drawled and crossed his arms. "So, how are you paying for the room then?"

"I'll put you down at the desk."

"..Loona? You know I'm impressed, right?"

"Fucking better be."

"Good, but if this crab walk keeps up? We won't get to the desk until dawn."

"…"

"Loo, c'mon. Let me down."

"...Fine." He fell to his back with a grunt. He glared up at his girlfriend as she shook her arms out and whined. "Fuuuck, how do you weigh so fucking much?"

Ahh, she had burned through her adrenaline carrying his ass. Naruto snorted and pushed himself to his feet. Before she could realize what he was doing, he swept his girlfriend off of hers and bridal carried her into the motel's lobby. The glare she locked on him would be upsetting if she wasn't wincing in her attempt to cross her arms.

"I'll get a room, then we can raid the bar. Sound good?"

"I love you."

"Yeah, I kn–" Naruto's brain caught up with her words and he stopped in the middle of the parking lot. "I'm sorry, what?"

AN: Happy Halloween, all! Hope you all enjoyed this as much as you enjoyed Ghostfuckers!

Can't wait for the sequel next year, I hear it's a musical.

And remember, this chapter isn't not canon to the fic's story. It's just a bit of a glimpse ahead because of the holiday.

We will resume the timeline shortly!