Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Who's That Father?
Chick-Chick, Bang-Bang
(Then: Approximately 20k Feet Above Wrath)
Wrath was a wasteland, a desert, where some of the craziest Demons lived. One such group of demons were also in fact weapons manufacturers and often hired cheap Hellhound Labor to act as target dummies. The current job that freelance 'Alpha Team' had accepted was a simple fly-by and to make an attempt to evade some sort of new anti-Angel weapon system.
That all went to shit when they realized it was actually supposed to be a cover to kill a second freelancer, the last survivor of the trial, who'd been strapped to the co-pilot's seat. By the time they got the metal muzzle off of his mouth, it was too late to turn around. He did have the bright idea to hide in the tank that was also stored onboard, because apparently it was an expensive prototype fully equipped that would never see use and the 'techs' wanted to cash in on the insurance for it.
Good thing Alpha Team went along with it, because the two Remotely Eradicating Airborn Priority Entities Ruthlessly – or R.E.A.P.E.R., for short – obliterated the plane they were on. Whistling as it fell at rapid speed from the explosion, Alpha Team groaned and reoriented themselves. Holding his head and growling to himself about triple checking future clients, Naruto slid into the seat beside Kodiak and strapped himself in.
"Uzumaki!" Rex clapped a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.
"What?!"
"If we're under twenty-thousand feet, we can still breathe, right?" The other hound asked, his tail wagging like a white blur. Naruto's eyes widened in realization and he shared a grin with the Samoyed-like Hellhound. He peered around the eager Hound at the larger Kodiak that was trying to figure out how to unlatch the treads from their stabilizer. "Kodiak, it's about to get a little breezy! Buckle up!"
"Wait, what's he talking about 'twenty-thousand feet'? 'Breezy'?!" Panik asked as he shifted around to look at his twin. He looked down at his bindings, realized the vehicle he was in was airborne, and then back at the Hound sitting next to Kodiak. His jaw dropped, fear momentarily forgotten. "Payne, is that–?"
"Yeah, shh! Don't ruin this for us!"
"Ruin this? You mean our LIVES?!"
"Kodiak!" Naruto tapped on the headset to ensure he was heard. "Rex is gonna test out the weapon's system on this thing, think you can get us off this metal slab?"
"Sure, but the detail work might take a second!" The large Hellhound shot back.
"Whoo!" Rex cheered with a clap of his hands as he clambered through the cramped space to get to the hatchway.
"Hey, no! Rex, what's happening?!" Panik asked with a whimper. The white hound with blue war-paint down his muzzle and over his eyes grinned at him as he pulled on a wired communication unit.
"Hey, Panik! It's gettin a little stuffy! I'm gonna pop a window!" Rex laughed at the Imp's horrified look before he opened the hatch and mounted the fifty-caliber, belt fed machine gun.
"That's a tank hatch…Why the fuck are we in a tank?!" Panik shrieked.
"Because the plane exploded!" Payne explained to their acrophobic brother. Panik stared at them for a solid second. Then, he made good on his name.
"What pla– a plane exploded?!"
"Yeah!"
"When the fuck did that happen?!"
"Recently!" Payne pointed a claw at the hatch that Rex was poking out of. "The REAPERS shot it down!"
"What the fuck are Reapers doing with guns?! Why the shit are there Reapers in the air?! On second thought, I don't fucking care!" Panik corrected himself. He glared at the largest hound in the tank. "I blame you for this, Kodiak!"
"Technically, Panik, we're not flying!" Kodiak argued. He ignored the "That's because we're falling, you pedantic fuck!" Panik screamed at him. He set up the weapons system with the Fox-Dire Wolf Mix of a HellHound beside him taking view of the area. "Alright, Uzumaki, what's our next step in this hairbrained plan of yours?"
"Whooo! What chu got bitches?! What chu go-ha-ha-ha-hot?!" Rex's hooting was heard by all with a headset on as shell casings rained down past the driver seats' viewports.
"Let me have a turn, Rex, come on!" Payne whined up at the Hellhound.
"Fucking braindead psychopaths, all of you!" Panik shrieked again.
Naruto register but ignored the freelancers' byplay before he answered the driver's question.
"Well, if Rex can shoot those REAPERS down before they take out our chutes–" The up and coming entrepreneur Hellhound cut himself short as gravity suddenly took hold of the tank's front and he lifted slightly off his seat. "Damn, guess he didn't."
"Shit! Uzumaki! We're in trouble!" Rex called as he clambered back in.
"Yeah, I figured that out, Rex! Did you manage to get one?"
"Only one of the fuckers' is still flying around like a fucking horny nergal!" Rex confirmed as he slunk up to the front and hung on Naruto's seat. "So, what's next?"
"Working on it…" Naruto muttered as he scrolled through the monitors and operations manual. His ears perked up and he gave a savage grin. "Bingo! There's a demon carved artificial lakefront about half a mile due northwest, and even if it's dried up, this thing should handle the impact of hitting that space's soil."
"Oh, we're not just falling. We're crashing!" Panik wailed.
"That's the idea!" Payne cackled at their brother's misery.
"Rex! Rotate the turret one-hundred and eighty-three degrees and wait for my signal!" Naruto barked and looked back at the bickering Imp brothers. "Payne! Close the hatch!"
"On it, chief!" Payne gave a mock salute before they started hitting switches. "Did that one work? No. That one? No. That do it? Nope. This one? That one? This one? That one–ha! Found it! Hatch close! Labeled in bright yellow and everything. How'd I miss that?"
"What the fuck am I aiming at, Uzumaki?" Rex growled as he used the targeting system to guide the main turret.
"Just wait for my word...wait...Now! Fire!" Naruto barked again. The five demons grunted in unison as the tank jerked with the recoil of the shot. "Rotate fifteen degrees, and hold!"
"Turret rotated!"
"...Fire!"
Another jerk.
"Rotate twenty-five degrees, and hold!"
"In position!"
"Wait for it..." Naruto stared into the camera monitoring their left side, a lip curled. These fuckers thought they could gip him? Kill him off before he got fucking paid for killing their last runaway 'test subject'? Not when he had a puppy waiting for him to come home. The experimental drone flew into his camera's vision and his pupils contracted as he snarled. "Fire!"
The muffled explosion was so satisfying to catch a faint whisper of.
"Fuck yeah, direct hit!" Rex whooped.
"Perfect." Naruto huffed and swallowed back the satisfaction he wanted to display. "Now rotate the turret all the way back forward and wait!"
"Wait?!" Rex asked, his left eye still pressed into the turret's targeting system. "I'm aiming at a whole lot of shit brown nothing out there, Uzumaki!"
"We're about to take the last dirt nap in a dried up lake and he wants to wait?! I'm too young to die!" Panik wailed.
"Yeah, he's too young to die! I however am an old soul! And I say, 'bring it on lake'!" Payne whooped.
"There is no lake!"
"Any time now, Uzumaki!" Rex barked.
"Just wait for my signal, dammit!" Naruto snarled back at the three members of the peanut gallery. He did quick math in his head, double checked his gut instinct and then braced his claws on the console. "Fire everything!"
After unloading six more shots that significantly slowed their vehicle's descent to just below terminal velocity, the ragtag pack of mercenaries hit the filthiest, dirtiest muck-filled, half dried lake in all of Wrath...then drove out practically unscathed. Frankly, none of them were ever sure how they survived intact without major injuries either.
Regardless of whether or not it was a miracle, the whim of a Sin(s), or sheer dumb fucking luck, the day that followed that little adventure in Wrath would be when Alpha Team signed on officially as Naruto's first mercenaries in his fledgling company.
(Gluttony, Business Boulevard, Wild Things Facilitated Medical Floor)
"See how much better this holiday is when you share your snacks?" Loona asked the fussing and growling puppy she had tucked under her arm, all while taking a small portion of the snacks hoarded up by the hungry little pup. She popped one of the Kanine Krunchies' Protein Bars into her mouth and gulped it down. She licked and then sucked the residual crumbs off of her fingers and claws, and stopped once she saw the pout on her boyfriend's pup's face. "You got a problem, Squirt?"
"Yes! You're being mean!" The puppy growled.
"No, you're being a fucking brat." Loona growled back as she tapped a claw onto the puppy's nose. The attempted bite that followed got a firm swat on the snout. "No! You don't get to try to bite me and then cry about it when I snap back!"
"You're eating my snacks!" Himawari whined as her eyes welled with tears. "Daddy said they were mine! You keep-! You can't take them!"
"Squirt, you are six fucking years old, you need to stop fucking crying." Loona growled a warning at the puppy. She didn't like what the little runt's crying was doing to her, twisting a vice in her chest and reminding her of similar Sinsmas days long past that she spent alone in the Orphanage. In her experience, crying and complaining like Himawari currently was never got a puppy anywhere but put six feet under and added as a smaller addition to Hell's Eyes.
"But they're mine–!"
"For fuck's sake!" Loona sat down on a chair and adjusted the Squirt to sit on her lap again. She held the puppy by her shoulders and glared into her unfairly blue eyes. "Enough fucking crying! You need to fucking listen to me, Heema, right fucking now."
Himawari whimpered and sniffled, but her posture screamed 'obedient' and 'submissive'. Loona took that as confirmation to continue.
"If you keep crying every fucking time things fall apart or don't go your way, you will get yourself killed. Hellhounds like us, we...we can't afford to be seen like that by any other demon," she said, stressing the word with a small growl. Himawari continued to listen and stared at her, big bottom lip warbling as if she was going to continue letting tears fall, and Loona felt her lip curl to expose a fang. Once the trembling lip stopped, Loona loosened her grip and slowly, projecting her actions, cupped the puppy's head and brushed the indigo hued hair out of her eyes. She took a deep breath and sighed as she gently pet the pup's head. "Hell is...it's not fuckin' fair, kiddo. Shit, life isn't fucking fair. Hellhounds like us especially got the shit end of that shit creek's stick. Do you know how many Hellhounds come from a Hound family outside of Gluttony?"
"...Not a lot..." Well, at least the puppy wasn't totally oblivious. Thank fuck for that.
"Try slim to fucking none." Loona deadpanned. Himawari's ears went flat and she nodded as her claws gently stroked through the pup's hair. "I just...Listen, Squirt, I don't...I'm not doing this to be mean or pick on you, okay? Let's get that shit clear right now. This isn't because I suddenly don't like you or some shit, alright?"
"Okay." The puppy sniffed. "But then why–?"
"I, fucking, God ...dammit," Loona sighed again. This cute little brat and her stupid, sexy dad were destroying her image and walls with fucking sledgehammers. She guided the little puppy into a close and loose hug, then nosed around by her ear. After a gentle kiss on her end to the base of the goofy big organ, the older She Hound continued. "Listen, if anything happened to you because you were acting like...well, like the fucking brat you've been since I got here? You could get yourself in some serious shit. You could get yourself fucking killed, Squirt. And if that happened, well just think about how many Hounds would be sad. Your dad would probably fucking lose his mind, the Hounds that work for him would probably start a fucking war, your friends would grow up without you...and then there's me."
"You?"
"Me." Loona affirmed, both to the puppy and to herself. She was kidding herself if she thought she could keep denying adoring her boyfriend's puppy as much as she did; shit, she was even starting to think of Himawari as her own. Why else would she be trying to teach this lesson to her? For shits and giggles? Hard fucking pass. She gently pushed the puppy back on her lap to look her in the eye. She smiled and wiped away a stray, stubborn tear from Himawari's little muzzle. "Count yourself really lucky, Heema, because I care about you. A lot."
"Yuh...You mean it?" The puppy asked softly, and out of the corner of her eye, Loona saw her tail start to wag.
"Of course I do. I love you, Heema." Loona smiled at her and then promptly groaned when not even a full foot away, the patented Pickle Missile launched and found its mark with all the force of an emotional puppy. She winced and snarled at the puppy that she had thought had managed to elude her. "Ow! Dammit, stop hitting me in the tits, Squirt. I barely have any padding there as it is."
"I love you, too, Miss Loona!" Himawari whined as she nuzzled into her and hugged her – not as painful as the first time she got one of the powerful pup's hugs. Was she building some muscle or something? She didn't think she looked any different, maybe a bit taller – around her sides.
Oh, fucking–! Loona's snarl dropped on the spot and she gently hugged the pup back. She pushed her nose to the back of Himawari's ear, right over the barely noticeable scar that remained after a head wound was treated, and huffed in the scent of her puppy. The smell ingrained itself into a part of her mind she hadn't dared to explore yet, and it awoke something in Loona. Shit, and this pup wasn't hers by blood, so what was going to happen when she had her own blood puppy with Naru–
Okay, definitelyneed to pump the fucking brakes on that one. Loona caught herself before she stumbled down a thought tunnel that was not going to bear fruit for a long fucking time. Shit, she hadn't even gotten him to wear his collar in public yet – unlike Himawari, who was rocking the little purple choker with small studs she and Loona picked out almost a month ago – she shouldn't be thinking about having one of his pups. Or two – Stop thinking about it, Loona!
Ugh, she needed something to distract her from that train of thought before it took over the station again!
"I'm sorry for being a fucking brat."
Thank you, puppy, for giving Loona something new to focus on.
"Sh–Himawari, no!" She blustered out around a choked laugh. With a grin on her face Loona nuzzled the confused pup's tinier muzzle with her own. "Your dad will kill me if he knows I heard you say that and didn't say anything, so here it is: You can't talk like that."
"But that's not fair! I'm six years old now! All the other puppies in class can cuss!" Himawari whined. Loona gave her a flat stare.
"What did we just fucking talk about, Squirt?" She asked. The puppy pouted and Loona sighed before an idea came to mind. She smiled and nudged the puppy. "Hey, I got an idea. I won't tell your dad that you 'cuss' around me – and only if it's just around me – if you promise to try to cut back on the crying. That sound good?"
"I can cuss with you?" Figures that's what the puppy would focus on. Ugh, and those damn eyes she got from her Dad fucking sparkled with joy. That combined with her wagging tail and perked ears just...Fuck, Loona was fucking glad she never met the bitch that popped her pup out – No lie, Loona would be pissed if that dead Hellhound ever tried to call herself Himawari's mother. She was nothing more than a...fuck, what's it called? ...Surrogate! Yeah, she was Loona's glorified surrogate womb, it was just that neither of them had known it yet – otherwise she'd be pissed that something this cute didn't come fully from her.
"Only when it's just you and me." Loona reiterated and then scowled down at her. "But I fucking mean it, no more crying over this little shit. If you break a limb or something, sob your little heart out, but no more crying about sharing snacks. Got it?"
"You fucking got it!" Himawari yipped with a megawatt smile on her face. Sweet merciful fuck, that was probably the most adorable thing she had ever heard.
Blitzø must never know, Loona determined then and there. This was strictly something she would keep for herself. The little bastard she occasionally called 'dad' was not taking this bundle of joy from her.
The puppy's smile dimmed and her ears fell a bit.
"I'm still sorry, Miss Loona," she mumbled.
"I know. And...Sorry for picking on you, Squirt," Loona said as she hugged and nuzzled the puppy again and smiled when she got a soft nuzzle in turn. They held it for a moment until Loona smirked and felt her tail wag. "But you've gotta admit, you kind of deserved it."
"Miss Loona!" Himawari giggled and hugged her tighter.
Fuck, Loona loved this little brat.
(Now: Gluttony, Beelzebub's Mansion)
Miss Lucky.
That was the only lead Bee had on the side-bitch getting good dickings from one of the best fucks she'd gotten since the first time she and Vortex hooked up. This was almost more annoying than when she tried to figure out who the Foxy Hunk was, and that was only because she's pretty sure she'd met the bitch before! At one of her parties!
"Fuck, Tex was right. I have got to get someone to work at a kiosk and take names or something at my front door before each of my parties." Bee grumbled as her fingers drummed irritably on the desk beside her computer. On the oversized screen before her, there were multiple pictures of her subliminal target, the aforementioned Miss Lucky, getting down and dancing with the Foxy Hunk that was formerly of Bee's Horde.
Yeah, she was still a little salty about that loss, but no rational demon would blame her! A strong Hound that got bumped up to a fucking Colonel just by getting 'enlisted'?! How did she fuck up such a great thing?! With her stupid cravings and those god-damned deals, that's how. Stupid addictive, demigodly spunk...
"..Oh, shit! Did I ever add that to his file?!" Bee quickly minimized the blown up GIF that had that 'Sour Cream' She Hound, the supposed 'Miss Lucky', grinding against the Foxy Hunk to open the file she had started after she got some decently sized samples of his spunk to analyze and deconstruct. She checked the file's status and blanched when she saw it was saved from where the results were pending. Shit, those results had come back weeks ago. She started searching various other open tabs, most of which either consisted of questionable porn videos or food reviews or food porn reviews.
"Aw, dammit Vibe Drunk Bee, don't fuck me like this!" Bee scowled. "Where did you put those results? Here? No. Here! ..No, dammit that's the Bay-Bee's birthday party...that I should've been fucking invited to! Seriously, Na-Ru-To, what the shit?! I'm here favorite aren't I? I mean, it's not like I have any reason to swing by–!"
Bee cut herself short. She brought her four sets of claws up to drum against each other as her smile widened.
"Unless...I owe the Bay-Bee some choice snackage...and given that its Sinsmas...I can use the Bee-LEAF system!" She snapped her fingers on her lower left hand to save and shut down the computer before she darted over to a vaguely unused corner of her office. She pulled a sheet off of a slightly dusted over gyroscope and blew the remnant particles of dust away. This, coincidentally, also started up the device that she dubbed the Bee-LEAF System: Bee-Lzebub's Evaluating Anyone for Fun-times System. It was more of a psionic lock that originally allowed her to hone in on the extremely Gluttonous souls for Lucifer to watch out for on arrival – every Sin had something like it back at the start – but since Sinsmas became a hit, Bee used it to find any wayward pups that needed serious pick me ups or visits from their Queen Bee. The Pups in her various orphanages hadn't given strong enough readings in the past few centuries for her to bother pulling it out and the Pup Packs seemed to be doing fine.
"Now, I just have to key in on the Bay-Bee..Annnd, aha! Gotcha!" Bee grinned as the gyroscope started up and spun wildly, a glob of golden honey swirled into existence around it and a picture took form. Her grin widened further. "And she's with 'Miss Lucky'?! Man, I have got to use this thing more often! Hm, what in the fuck are you talking about, Bay-Bee? C'mon, clear up for your Queen Bee.."
"..en do you think Grump will wake up, Miss Loona?" The patchy and faint voice of Foxy Hunk's cute little Bay-Bee finally cleared up.
"Dunno, Squirt. That's way fucking outside of my pay grade. Hand me a Capsicle Pop?"
"Sure thing!"
"Aww, Sinsmas Pups are too cute sometimes..." Bee cooed as she watched the She-Hound and HellPuppy share snacks and overindulge in…a hospital room? Bee's good mood started to tank and she scowled. "The fuck–? Did his pup get hurt again?! Uh-uh, no. That pup needs a Queen Bee pickup, pronto! First, I gotta prep some bags of Bee's Bites!"
Queen Bee grinned and zipped down to her pantry to stock up and fill out some snack bags for her Second Pick's cute Bay-Bee. Then she needed to get a treat or two for the cutie Cream Puff Miss Lucky whose name was–
"Loona, huh? Heh, that's ironic. His granny chased the moon, and now he's doing the same." Bee snickered to herself as she filled a bag with all sorts of sugary treats for a pup to enjoy on Sinsmas, and for many weeks yet to come.
(Wild Things Facilitated Main Office, Medical Floor)
"..And that's the best hypothesis we have, Dr. Senju." Nairod muttered as he tugged at his hood.
Naruto was swallowing back laughter but couldn't fight the smile from his face. The cool and unflappable physician of murderous and oftentimes hotblooded mercenary demon dogs turned into a blushing schoolboy by being near the deadliest succubus in all of Hell. It was too funny to the head of the company, but he respected both medical professionals too much to actually laugh in their faces..alright, he respected Nairod too much. Tsunade was basically like his grandmother, so she was another matter altogether.
"Who's the bitch?" Tsunade asked, a hand on her cocked hip as she stared into Jiraiya's room while being debriefed. Naruto sent a quick and brief warning growl that made her look up at him with a smirk. "Oh, are you finally dating somebody? Or is she another 'fuck buddy' like the last one?"
"Tsunade." He warned her as his hackles started to rise up. The Succubus rolled her eyes and tucked the medical chart under her arm as she gave him a look.
"I can't ask questions? C'mon, Brat, just humor me for a fucking second. Is it casual or–?"
"It's serious." He scowled when she looked at him with a brow arched in disbelief. He crossed his arms. "Pickle likes her, Tsunade. Please don't be a total shrew and try not to piss her off."
"If she's managed to put up with your stupid ass for more than a week while sober, then the little bitch can probably handle me." Tsunade huffed and tossed Jiraiya's chart back to Nairod. "Prep the X-Ray for a scan of his cranium, I want to see it live, not in pictures. And have an intern scrounge up some wine or something. I'm starting to sober up."
"Er–?"
"Just do it and bill it to expenses, Mase. If Accounting throws a fit, tell them I'll cover the difference." Naruto sighed and rubbed his face when the good doctor looked at him. The Drude nodded and shot off to do as instructed. With his top, on-staff physician set to his task, Naruto glowered back at Tsunade. "You ready to go in now?"
"Why the rush? Did you do something stupid?" Tsunade asked with an arched brow as her arms crossed. "Have you been knotting with that little bitch?"
"It's none of your fucking business–"
"It will be when I become your Chief Medical Officer."
"What? Why would I have need for–? I would sooner put Mase in that position over you!" Naruto snarled.
"And he'd hand it over to me on day one. That Drude prefers the hierarchy of the medical assortment, Naruto. As Queen Belphegor orchestrated it initially. Meaning..?"
"...Hellhounds are higher up due to our complex and advanced physiologies and the lack of study." Naruto scowled. He glared in the direction the Drude had floated off in. "He better not be making a fucking paper based on us–"
"If he is writing a study about you, I'd think he would be professional enough to redact names and features. If he isn't, sicc your lawyers on him." Tsunade shrugged and then strode into the hospital room before he could refute the (surprisingly) good advice. Himawari and Loona both looked up as the door clicked and his pickle immediately perked up.
"Nana Nah-Day!" She cheered and Naruto felt robbed of Tsunade's bittersweet annoyance when the succubus in question only beamed.
"My Little Wari!" Tsunade smiled and held her arms out to catch the inbound puppy and sure enough, the Pickle Missile found its mark as it always did.
Naruto was starting to get impressed, and just a little worried that his puppy was so good at hitting her targets. Was that limited to her own person or did that transfer to other talents? He'd have to let her have a go with a small caliber weapon...or maybe a water gun? Ehh, the actual firearm might be safer for her than risking her ingesting any tap water from Hell. Hellpup or not, she was not immune to the risks of ingestion like he and other grown Hounds were. Not yet anyway.
"How's my favorite Hellpup this Sinsmas? Why aren't you stuffing your belly?" Tsunade's doting query drew Naruto's attention from his thoughts of his daughter's near preternatural aim back to his surroundings and he scented the air. There were tears shed in here, recently, and when he looked at his puppy, the fur around her eyes seemed a bit crusty. He felt his fur bristle and his hackles rose again; he didn't like not knowing why his pup had cried, but he could rectify that. He shouldered his way around the gushing grandmother Tsunade had devolved into to join his girlfriend, who had taken advantage of a puppy-free lap and swiveled in the chair to hook her sexy lean legs over the arm of her chair, looking at her phone and munching out of the bag full of Levi's Licorice Lice Lickers. Loona caught his approach from the corner of her eye and swallowed the clawful of food she'd just shoveled into her mouth.
"Told you I could handle her."
"Never thought you couldn't." He crossed his arms. An ear swiveled to his pup when she let out a keen. A loud raspberry preceded more happy puppy giggles so he let his attention turn back to his girl as he squatted down to almost meet her eye level; her lounged position kind of made it a bit awkward in his favor. He cupped her chin and guided her into a quick kiss before he muttered: "What caused the waterworks?"
"She was being a brat, and started up when I called her out on it. I calmed her down afterwards, babe, relax." Loona murmured back as she sat up slightly to hold his gaze evenly. Her nostrils flared as she scented him and then she chuffed. "The fuck's got you so worked up?"
"Like I said, Sinsmas has been difficult for me to celebrate for a few years now." Naruto admitted with a shrug. Loona furrowed her brow and he smirked. "Lust, Loo. I celebrate Lust."
"...R-Right, I remember you mentioning that." Fuck, his girlfriend was so cute when she was flustered. And the way her tail wagged–! Sweet merciful shit, this bitch was made to rile him up in every way he liked. Her claws found his bicep and traced the relaxed muscle as she rumbled a small ready growl at him. "You wanna slip out of here and go celebrate?"
"Baby, I'd love nothing more." Naruto grinned as he felt his blood start to race and his tail started to wag. Unholy fuck, this she hound was the best thing that ever happened to him. He stole another quick kiss and shifted himself a bit as his pants grew a bit noticeably tighter. "We just gotta introduce you to Tsunade, a little more formally, and we can ask her to watch Pickle..I don't think she'd say no."
"Even if she does, you have a whole building to go through." Loona smirked as her claw traced a rather crude pattern into his arm. Oh, fuck yes!
"Goddammit, I love you." Naruto growled as he leaned in to snag another snog, only to flinch in time with his girlfriend when his puppy's voice hit a high pitch.
"Daddy! It's QUEEN BEE!"
"...What?!" Naruto whipped around and–Oh, fuck his life! The Sin of Gluttony hovered outside of his grandfather's hospital window with a megawatt grin on her face. Before he could say anything, move, or even form a coherent thought, the Sin had popped the window off its hinge and dropped it so that it tumbled down. The faint crash made his right eye twitch. "That...Fucking–"
"Bitch." Loona growled low. Ah, right. The last time they shared the same space Loona had almost instigated a fight with the Queen of Gluttony in her own home. ...It was wrong that particular memory made his blood blaze hotter, right? Yeah, Naruto thought so, too.
"Hey, hey, hey! Happy Sinsmas, Foxy!" Bee greeted him with a wave before she zeroed in on his puppy. The very sight had his hackles rising again and his blood pressure was probably now at very dangerous levels. Doubly so when the Sin zipped in and squealed in time with Pickle. "Hi, Bay-Bee! How've you been, Sweetling? Have you been a good little glutton?"
"Yes!"
"Awesome! Hey, you remember how I accidentally nommed down your goodies? I told you I'd pay you back," Bee said as she snapped her fingers and – oh, hateful, vengeful Antichrist...she didn't! She wouldn't! ...Oh, he knows better than that. It was fucking Queen Bee-Lzebub, she abso-fucking-lutely would – various large leather-made bags appeared around the Sin of Gluttony and emptied into the hospital room.
Yep...Naruto was going to have a fucking aneurysm.
Before he could even formulate a proper response that wouldn't immediately end with the room being destroyed by a spicy sin, Tsunade – tactful and masterful negotiator that she absolutely wasn't – spoke up before him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Clean this shit up! This a fucking hospital room!"
"Excuse me?" Bee crossed her arms and frowned as she locked eyes with Tsunade. Her eyes then widened and she jerked back. "Holy fuck! You're that bitch that kicked Satan's balls!"
"Yeah, and imagine what the fuck I'll do to you if you don't clean this fucking mess up right fucking now!"
"Okay, okay, shit! Chill out, bitch, I didn't realize this was a legit hospital room. I just thought that old Hound was napping." Bee held her upper hands up as the lower set snapped their fingers again. The bags that had started to empty went in full reverse and bundled up into a corner. Neatly. With a note that said 'Property of Bay-Bee'. "I'm not here to freak the Bay-Bee out...well, I'm not here to scare her again, anyway."
"Yeah, that's such a fucking relief." Naruto muttered sourly as he furrowed his brow. Why the fuck did Bee just–? He felt his jaw pop open slightly. "Fuck me, you mean that fucking story is true!?" All females in the room were staring at him, but his eyes were locked on Tsunade as he stood back up. "You, the Toad and that Envy-born psychopath actually fought Satan? And won?"
"Holy shit, yes! That ass-whooping was centuries in the fucking making." Bee chirped before she glanced at the comatose Jiraiya. She looked back at Tsunade. "He sleep that hard all the time?"
"Grump got hurt on a mission! We're visiting to help him feel better!" Himawari explained proudly before she smiled at him and Loona. His puppy was so happy, her tail was barely visible and it sucked a lot of the hot air out of Naruto's system that had filled him when it registered that his least favorite Sin was so close to her. "No one should be alone on Sinsmas, right Daddy?"
"...Yeah, that's right, baby girl." He sighed and crossed his arms. He relaxed as Loona stood up beside him and put a hand on the small of his back. He smiled down at her and let his arm rest around her shoulders before he looked up to meet the Sin's gaze. With a resigned, withheld sigh, he swallowed his feelings about the Sin that ruled the Ring he lived in and clenched his teeth. "There is a party for Gluttons down on the first floor. I can walk you there–"
"Mm, nah. Not really craving a party." Bee hummed as she smirked at him. "Not one I didn't throw, anyway. But if it's for Gluttons, why aren't you down there?"
Shit, again all females' eyes were on him...There was no right answer for him to give here. Not with his puppy in the same room. Naruto felt his ears fold back as Bee's grin widened. Shit, shit, shit! He was losing ground. Again! Fuck, this was how he wound up as her glorified sex toy!
"Babe," Loona's soft mumble had him put his rising panic and paranoia on hold as he looked down at her. She gestured for him to bring his head down and cupped his chin as she whispered in his ear. "Remember how you owe me a threesome?"
"...Are you fucking serious?" He grumbled. Loona's tongue flicked out and licked his ear and fuck his blood boiled in anticipation to get his dick back inside of his girlfriend. He growled a warning at her that bled into one of want, a sound he was certain Bee heard if the faint 'bzz' of her wings suddenly beating and then stopping was anything to go by.
"If you invite her on our terms, she can't twist it to her favor."
Right...If they invited Bee to join in on some fun...maybe she'd leave him and his family alone for longer than weeks at a time. It had been over a solid month since he saw the Sin last...And that was after he wore her out to win their last bet. It wasn't like he hated the experience, far from it, but he liked sleeping with Loona more than he had like fucking the Sin of Gluttony stupid.
And if he did it again…Maybe they'd get more time off from her 'cravings'.
"If this backfires on us, this was your idea." Naruto grumbled at Loona, who stole a kiss and growled into his mouth. When it broke he stood up straight and recomposed himself – aided by a gentle scratch on his mid-lower back from his ever helpful tease of a girlfriend – before he looked at Bee and offered her a small, slightly forced smile. One that became less forced when her wings visibly twitched.
Ah-huh, yeah. He can use this.
"You're right. Hey, Pickle? Will you be okay with Nana while Daddy, Loona and Queen Bee go check on your aunties and uncles?" He asked his Puppy.
"Why can't I come?" Ah, yeah, that inevitable question that Naruto really didn't have a good answer to–
"Aw, don't worry, Bay-Bee. Your Daddy and me just gotta go do some boring paperwork for some business stuff." Bee tried to chip in. "And 'Miss Lucky' Loona –" Fuck, he felt Loona's claws cut into his back and tear through the back of his shirt. Shit. "–is your Daddy's girlfriend, right? It's a grown up Hound thing you won't understand for a while yet."
"Ohh...Is it a sax thing?"
"Little Wari, don't you want to hang out with Nana?" Tsunade to the fucking rescue again! She pouted at the pup in her arms. "I thought you missed me!"
"I did, Nana! I did!"
"Then let's let Daddy take both these pretty ladies out so you and Nana can have some high-quality, long overdue girl talk."
Ohh, that sneaky old bitch! She was doing this to get dirt. Naruto fought back a curl of his lip as Tsunade smirked at him.
"Girl Talk? ...Oh, like last time! Where we talked about–?" Tsunade put a finger on his pup's lips to quiet her. Wait, they talked about what? They talked about what!? Ugh, think stupid! When was the last time he left Himawari alone with Tsunade? It was...A week or so before he and Rox's relationship fully fell through, right?
...Right before Roxanne got invited to perform on that Hell-wide Inter-Ring Cruise... That was just a coincidence, right? ...Right? ...Right. It had to be.
"Shh! That's still confidential, sweetie." Tsunade smiled at him and stepped aside. She forced a smile onto her face as she glared into Bee's eyes and the Sin fucking flinched. What the fuck..? "You should all skedaddle so we can catch up. Right, Little Wari?"
"Yeah!" The puppy giggled, not even remotely aware she'd just been manipulated by his Hellmother. Naruto was in a sort of fog as he walked out with Loona in tow, certain to get a quick kiss and scratch in on his puppy's cheek and behind her ear respectively. "Happy Sinsmas, Daddy!"
"Yeah, Happy Sinsmas, Pickle."
"Happy Sinsmas, Queen Bee! Happy Sinsmas, Miss Loona!"
"Happy Sinsmas, Bay-Bee~!" "Back atcha, Squirt."
They were outside the hospital room before Naruto could fully register what happened. He, his girlfriend and the Sin of Gluttony got into his company elevator to get to the garage so they could find somewhere an entire building away to indulge in Lust. A peaceful quiet overcame them before the Sin broke it.
"I'm a fucking Sin, so naturally I'm not afraid of a lot of things," Bee said, her eyes locked on the doors of the elevator. "But that bitch? That Succubus? ...She fucking terrifies me. How the fuck do you know her?!"
"Her old teammate is his grandfather." Loona answered in his stead. Which wasn't entirely wrong, but in the spirit of the holiday...
"She's also my self-appointed Hellmother." He added. Both females looked at him and he crossed his arms. "She was my father's Hellmother. He bit it. I wound up in the fucking system–"
"You really need to explain the fucking hostility toward my orphanages. It's starting to feel like a personal dig." Bee grumbled. He ignored her.
"–and after I ran away from it and found The Toad, my grandfather, before I met her. They fought. I watched. I got claimed as her honorary Hellchild and the rest is fucking history."
"...No shit?" Bee asked. She hummed after he shook his head. "Damn, your lineage is...No wonder you're a Colonel."
"Were." Naruto clarified with a growl. Bee smirked at him.
"You might not be in my Horde, Na-Ru-To, but you're still in The Horde. Unless another Sin or Goetia gets you locked in...You keep your rank in Hell's military."
"...That's kinda hot…" Loona muttered and he had to look up to ignore the way her tail wagged into his leg.
"...So, just to clarify, this menage a trois is happening, right?"
"Not in this building, it isn't." Naruto grumbled as he closed his eyes and tried to count down from ten. If his girlfriend kept wagging her tail like she did and Bee kept letting out those fucking pheromones, he was going to flip his shit.
"Why not?"
"Our Puppy is downstairs." Loona growled. Fuck, she had to know what those words and her tone meant. That was just..! He was definitely going to aim at getting her off at least three times before he filled her up.
"So?"
"Nothing involving those who celebrate Lust on Sinsmas happens in the building. I set that shit up so my puppy wouldn't get exposed to it too early, y'know." Naruto explained through gritted teeth. Bee opened her mouth and he snapped a glare down to lock onto her gaze. "Just hold out for five fucking minutes, y'know!? When we get in my car, I don't care if you two start something, or if you want me to start something, because I fucking will. But not in the goddamn building, y'know?!"
"...Ooh, you're really riled up." Bee purred and chewed on her lip and goddammit. That was really fucking hot. Correction, her pushing against him and putting a hand on his–Yeah, that was hot. "I missed that little quirk, Na-Ru-To...Say something else."
"How about you keep your fucking hands to yourself until we get to the fucking car?" Loona growled, grabbing the Sin's wrist and pulling her hand away from his crotch. She bared teeth at the grinning Sin. "The fuck are you–?"
"You're bi!"
"We both are." They refuted around growls.
"No, just...today is gonna be so much fucking fun!" Bee buzzed. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall of the elevator. "And now I know why you pushed for it...Miss Lucky."
"Okay, look, bitch! You might be one of the hottest bitches I've ever seen and a fucking Sin to boot, but the only fucking reason you even got invited to this Sinsmas Day getaway was because the alternative was leaving you alone with my Puppy!" Loona snarled.
God-fucking-dammit! Naruto tried and failed to swallow back a whine when his cock tried to spring to attention in his pants. He ignored his girlfriend's bewildered stare and the Sin's pointed leer. Before either of them could speak, the doors dinged and his shoulders slumped.
"Thank fuck! Why did that take so fucking long?!" He grumbled as he stormed out and winced with each step as he fumbled with his keys. His dick was not meant to contort that way whenever he walked and it was not happy he was forcing it to. He only managed to unlock the doors with the key fob before he was shoved into the backseat and pinned by a very horny Sin straddling his waist.
"We're not in the building, Na-Ru-To." She purred as she pulled the door shut behind her. Two hands grabbed the fabric of his shirt and – oh no – ripped it open.
"BITCH!" Loona's muffled snarl was heard and she managed to get into the passenger seat before the sharp click of the door locks activated. She climbed into the back and shoved her shoulder into Bee's chest. "You're not running the show today, Bee."
"Hey, you wanted Bee to come play? I'll play, but I make the rules." Bee growled back, but with the grin on her face, Naruto could tell she was into this. ...Goddamn, this bitch was kinky when she was horny. Any coherent thought he might've had died when Loona turned to face her and partially straddled his chest, giving him a prime view of his girlfriend's perky ass. He held out for that godforsaken, unholy long elevator ride.
Naruto was done holding out.
"Why don't you–?!" Loona's snarl was cut off by a sharp whine when he pulled her tight shorts to the sides and split them at the hem, which aligned perfectly with the crack of that fine ass. He pulled her back to properly settle her in front of his muzzle and he dove into eating out her delicious box with reckless abandon. The way his girl whimpered and whined above him as he finally got to start preparing her was music to his ears.
"Fuck, that's hot." Bee purred as her hips settled back over his crotch. She gyrated and ground her clothed snatch and he instinctively started to roll his hips. The Sin of Gluttony gasped. "Shit! Fuck yes! Oh, this is fucking better than what I'd wanted to do! C'mere, Sour Cream."
It was the start of what had to be one of the best Sinsmas day celebrations Naruto had been part of in years.
AN: ...Yeah, I didn't anticipate that ending either...Oh, well.
Stress and more stress keeps building up for me! But hey, I got this chapter done. No thanks to Steve.
Seriously, I'm considering putting up a reward for him. One cyber cookie to the person that finds Ste–AHA! Found you, Fatass! Oh, no. You can't get away from this! You signed a contract, fuck for brains...Yeah, that's right. We're going back to One Knuckleheaded Glutton. Then, I'm gonna throw your fat ass at Certified D.O.G. and make you come up with the goddamn titles! I don't care if you haven't read that story yet, catch up!
Also, your rations are being deducted. Not for disappearing, but because of the economy. Hey, I have to commute to this place somehow, and gas ain't cheap.
...Stop crying, God! This is why everything you touch is salty, dude.
Thanks for reading, and remember…It's just Fucking Fan Fiction