At 11 AM, a portion of the morning well spent, the only thing Squidward wished to do was read. The phone book was dense, full of people potentially willing to hire, and perfect for taking up the rest of the day, uninterrupted. It was a stupid dream, but he still had the vaguest sliver of hope.
He collapsed on his favorite indoor chair, sprawled out, and prepared for an afternoon of mostly numbers. He opened the brick of paper, and just as his eyes hit the page, he heard inexplicable music.
It wasn't music like you'd find on the stereo. It was just one instrument, but played spectacularly, so that it sounded almost as a full orchestra. He left his seat to look out the window, but there was no one right outside. The melody sounded so close… almost as if it were in the house with him. He had a terrible suspicion, but the expertise seemed to contradict it…
So he approached the stand where he kept his beloved clarinet - and the music stopped immediately. The sound had to have been coming from this room. He looked intensely into either end, ensuring no odd creature had somehow found its way inside. As one final check, to clear out any gunk, he blew hard into the designated opening, met with a stifling, painful sensation. Molded into a cone, Spongebob Squarepants emerged from the other end.
"Bayauauaauauaauauyua!" the creature laughed maniacally. He twirled out and returned to his usual quadrilateral form.
"Spongebob!" Squidward shouted in irritation. "Will you stop getting into my house every second?"
"Oh, sure, Squidward," Spongebob replied with a blank smile. He dove out the window and landed less than elegantly on the ground. Squidward rolled his eyes and strolled back to his chair. But as soon as he sat down again, he heard the awful sound of childish snickering. He glared at the window with a shifty eye, but it seemed to die down, albeit only for a second. Not wanting to get up again, he presumed Spongebob and Patrick were being obnoxious as usual outside, and shook his head, hoping to drown them out.
It almost worked. Squidward quieted down the noise with his mind, but he swore he could make out the horrendous neighbors whispering his name, over and over. Everything else was complete gibberish. But his name stood out loud and clear…
"THAT'S IT!" He slammed his book down, steaming. Storming down the stairs, he shoved his door open with incredible force. Spongebob and Patrick were indeed giggling just outside. "I don't know what you two are whispering about, but it stops now!"
"Aw, Squidward," Spongebob chuckled, "we were just talking about our favorite memories with you!"
"Yuh-huh, yuh-huh!" Patrick heaved. "Like when you were really MAD at us!"
Squidward sighed in disbelief. "I'm always mad at you."
Patrick held back laughter, then looked at Spongebob, and they both burst again.
"Oh, what I wouldn't give to never hear that sound again." Squidward marched away, with no particular destination in mind.
Time went on, and he continued walking, far away, until he was completely outside of Bikini Bottom. He grew tired, and lowered himself down, leaning against a giant clam-shaped rock. He took a moment to catch his breath.
"I shouldn't have to leave my own city to get away from my stupid neighbors!" he cried. Standing up again and muttering angry nonsense, he began kicking up dust. In his rage, he accidentally ended up kicking the clam rock. He froze, then clutched his foot and shouted in pain as the rock fell on its side. Slowly, the 'mouth' of the clam began to open, glowing on the inside. Squidward looked on in confusion. Suddenly, the rock burst with a glowing explosion. He braced for impact, but was only hit by a small piece of rubble. Instead, among the remains of the rock… was an expressionless miniature Squidward. He backed away from the duplicate in surprise, but thought long and hard. A mischievous grin crept across his face and he rubbed his hands together menacingly with a low chuckle.
A bit further down the path, there was an entire plot of these clam-shaped rocks. He raised a fist and tried to crack one open, but ended up wincing in pain, the rock intact. He gave a look of confusion at the Mini Squidward, then back at the rock.
To his surprise, the tiny doppelganger ran over to the rock and began hitting it repeatedly - until it burst open, revealing another clone. Squidward returned to his evil expression.
Back in Bikini Bottom, Patrick and Spongebob were playing with an urchin. It was tossed over to Spongebob, who caught it.
"Gggkk…heeeennn…" A tear fell out of his eye as the spikes poked his hands. He threw it over to Patrick.
Pat tried to kick it back like a soccer ball, but it got stuck in his foot instead.
"YYYAUUGHH!" he wailed. He hopped around crying, trying to shake it off, but they both were caught off-guard by the unmistakable squishing of Squidward's approaching footsteps.
Strutting proudly, he approached them. Spongebob gasped at what he saw - six tiny Squidwards following behind.
"Squidward…" Spongebob greened. "You had KIDS!"
"WHAT?" Squid snapped. "No, I didn't have KIDS! These are my new minions!"
"Can I touch one?" Patrick immediately asked. He waddled over to one and poked it, and it slapped his hand in return.
"I call them my…" Squidward thought, then smiled when he came up with a name. "Squid Wads."
"This is the greatest day of my life!" Spongebob shed a tear of joy.
"Now that I have these Squid Wads, I won't have to worry about anything." He began to fantasize all the ways they could benefit him. "They could deal with Spongebob and Patrick, so I don't have to see them! They could take my place at the Krusty Krab! They could review my fine art, getting me into the greatest museums- hhng!" He ran away with a giant grin.
"Wait, Squidward!" Sponge shouted. "Do you wanna play with this urchin?"
"I'm sure one of my Squid Wads would LOVE to!" He tossed one like a football over to the boys, and left unscathed.
The next day, a Squid Wad, wearing the employee hat, wandered into the Krusty Krab.
"HAHHHHH! Squidward! Ye've gotten a whole leg shorter!" Mr. Krabs panicked.
"Baaayaauauauuauaa!" Spongebob laughed at his ignorance. "That's not Squidward! It's one of his new Squid Wads! Isn't he the cutest!"
The Squid Wad maintained its blank stare.
"If ye say so," Krabs muttered, prodding the tiny thing. They both pushed it over to the front desk, and plopped it behind the cash register. Spongebob returned to the grill, holding his spatula with glee. A pair of incidentals came through the door, and Mr. Krabs licked his lips as he thought of the incoming money.
"Hey, could I get two…" The fish paused and examined the menu above. "Krabby Patties."
The Squid Wad elicited no response.
"Um… two Krabby Patties?"
"Is that the same guy?" the other fish asked.
"I dunno… something doesn't look right…"
The second fish grew irritated. "Hey!" He poked the Wad's face, and was met with another slap. "Ow!"
"Forget it!" smacked the first fish. "Let's just go eat somewhere else." The two stormed off.
Spongebob was getting restless, rhythmically slapping the grill. The door to the kitchen creaked open.
"Oh, Spongebob…" Krabs called mysteriously.
"Yes Mr. Krabs?"
"YER LOSIN' ME MONEY!"
"But there hasn't been any orders!"
They both looked through the window at the motionless Squid Wad and exchanged a knowing glance.
Back at his house, Squidward was met with a violent knock at the door.
"SQUIDWAAARRRRDDD!" Mr. Krabs shouted angrily.
Squid glared and stomped over to the door.
"Take yer silly clones back and get to work!"
Squidward sighed miserably, knowing his day of rest was over. But then he thought… or was it? "Not to worry, Mr. Krabs. My Squid Wads will do anything I say." He gestured for them to gather around. "Go make and serve Krabby Patties!"
They all spawned the signature hats and tore off back to the Krusty Krab. Spongebob and Krabs chased after them in a panic. But when they arrived, the little workers were serving up meals - and making piles of cash - at record speeds. Krabs returned to a wide grin.
"Never mind, boy!" he announced, and scuttled away singing happily about money.
"Save room for me! Dahaaauauauauaya!" Spongebob called out to the army of Squid Wads. But when he re-entered the kitchen, every possible job - grilling, assembling, serving - was being fulfilled by a Wad, and much faster than he alone could possibly manage. "Hey guys! Got… any work for me?" His expression shifted to a more anxious smile, and then to sadness as he realized that there wasn't much he could do.
Meanwhile, Squidward was resting, and his selfish thoughts couldn't help but take over. If the Squid Wads were all busy at work, who could do his bidding? The answer was simple - he had to find more of them.
After a long day of not actually working, Spongebob returned to Patrick.
"HEY Spongebob!" Patrick gleamed.
"Hi Patrick," Sponge replied, glummer than usual. "All the Squid Wads took my job at the Krusty Krab."
"Who needs that crusty job anyway! Let's play games!"
"What kind of games?"
"You know what kind of games…"
Spongebob shifted back to a smile. He went to knock on Squidward's door. "Oh Squidward! Do you wanna play with us?"
Squidward growled at the inane request, but took a deep breath. He opened the door carefully. "Sure, Spongebob. My Squid Wads would love to have you waste their time." He threw two outside, one for each of them, and slammed the door shut again.
Spongebob felt a twinge of disappointment, but tried to mask it. "Did you hear that, Patrick! Squidward can finally play with us!"
"YAAAUUYY!" Patrick yodeled.
"Let's play Tagball! Baaaaauauauahauayaya!"
The inseparable stepbrothers ran around with a football, chasing each other and 'tagging' with a precisely planned throw. Their endless laughter filled the water, but Squidward could still remain at rest, knowing they had a doppelganger to occupy them.
"Hey Squidward, TAG!" Patrick heaved the ball onto the Squid Wad's head, then ran away cackling like a baboon.
"Come on, little guy! You gotta chase us!" Spongebob encouraged. But the Wad stood still. It only took orders from Squidward. "...This isn't as fun as I thought it'd be."
"Spongebob, look! He can be the ball! HAHUHAUAUAU!" Patrick lifted the clone above his head and chucked it to the ground. "TOUCHDOWN!"
"Nooo, something isn't right here." Spongebob stroked his chin, deep in thought.
Patrick ignored him and picked up the Wad, shaking it violently. It suddenly opened its giant mouth, revealing a lining of sharp teeth like an anglerfish. It bit Patrick's hand, not able to tear through the immense padding, but causing extreme pain nonetheless.
"OWWWW!" he sobbed. "I DON'T WANNA PLAY ANYMORE!"
The Squid Wad waddled back into Squidward's house, and Spongebob sighed sadly. It seems like the world was falling apart ever since the Squid Wads came into play.
The next day, there were ten Wads taking up the kitchen in the Krusty Krab.
"The best part is," scathed Mr. Krabs, "I don't even need to pay 'em! Aghaghaghaghar!"
"But… then where will Squidward get his paycheck?" Spongebob worried. "Wait! Mr. Krabs!" It was too late. He had disappeared.
Back at his house, another six Squid Wads arranged to tend to his every desire.
"Make me a lemonade," he requested. The mini-mes arrived back within a second with a glass. "Hmm… not good enough. Make me a lemonade BY HAND."
He smiled as they left. It didn't matter what he asked for, they would always oblige without hesitation. If this power were put into the hands of a villain, who knows what could occur.
The Wads were in the next room, stomping on a bucket of lemons - the resulting mixture was less than juice. Another dumped a cup of sugar into the pot, and after one stirred the concoction with another Wad's head, it was poured into a glass - a grainy, yellowish liquid full of chunks. They topped it with a tiny umbrella, and handed it over.
"Ah yes," Squidward smugly smiled. He opened his mouth wide and attempted to dump the serving right in, but shot upright, spitting it out. The glass smashed on the floor and the fluid went everywhere. Squidward gagged at the whole lemon pieces and clone residue that was encasing his throat. After a long while of choking, he collapsed. A Wad clambered up onto his bed, awaiting the next order.
"Go away…" he croaked, and they all promptly left, heading to join their own kind at the Krusty Krab.
"Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob begged. "There's something wrong with the tiny Squidwards!"
Krabs was kicking back in his chair as money literally rained down on him.
"Mr. Krabs!"
"Pipe down, son! I'm trying to listen to music! Monneyyyyyy…"
"But- But Mr. Krabs!"
"Fineee, what do ye want?"
"You have to come - oh no!"
The Squid Wads, having not taken an order in a while, suddenly dashed out of the restaurant. Spongebob chased after them in desperation.
"Where are you going, lad?" Krabs followed fast.
All the clones burst through Squidward's door.
"GAHH! What do you want?" he panicked, no longer wanting their company.
With no other purpose, they all began kicking and smacking random objects.
"HEY HEY HEY!" Squid snapped. "GET OUT!"
He yeeted them out the window, but with a broken door, they just stormed back inside.
"Oh no, I'm too late!" Spongebob cried. The Squid Wads all worked together to shove the real Squidward out the window!
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Sponge rushed into action. He widened into a mattress-like size, ensuring Squidward had a bouncy place to fall onto.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING-" Squid shouted, looking at the Wads destroying his place from the inside. Mr. Krabs caught up and only cringed at the prospect of his little money-makers being tyrants. The Wads had stopped hitting things and started eating them with their piranha-like teeth! "MYHYYY ROOM!"
"Wait, Squidward!" Spongebob realized. "You can tell them what to do!"
"ALL OF YOU, STAHP!"
They stopped, but only for a second. They'd grown too much to need their host anymore. Squidward's house was nothing more than a pile of rubble, and as they were mourning, they all heard the awful sound of Patrick's scream. He ran to them.
"MY HOUSE!" he bawled. His humble abode was also crushed to pieces, and for sure Spongebob's pineapple was next. Gary crawled over with a look of fear in his eyes.
"Mow," he whimpered.
"It's okay, Gary," Spongebob warbled with tears in his eyes. "IT'S OKAY!" He clutched his beloved snail for dear life.
"Well, there goes me one legal moneymaking scheme," Krabs sighed, as they all watched houses be torn down from a distance. Squidward snorted in misery.
"Aw, Squidward," Spongebob patted him without consent, "we like the real you much better anyways!"
"That was the problem," he replied quietly.
"So… what're we gonna do now?" Patrick asked.
Spongebob's expression shifted to a smile. "We can still play Tagball!"
"YAUUYEYY!"
They tossed around their football, laughing, as Squidward and Mr. Krabs sat in silence. But with one tag too hard, Patrick crashes into a clam-shaped rock.
"Oh no…" Squidward clenched. Sure enough, the clam slowly opened… and out came a mini Patrick!
"HEY IT'S ME!" Pat chortled.
"This is gonna be the best day ever!" Spongebob announced, much to the pain of the others.