Greg mentioned outside the door that he was tired and just purely and utterly exhausted in every sense of the word; he was desperately in need of some rest after all the emotional and mental turmoil of everything that had happened, on top of the physical turmoil and trauma they'd suffered just yesterday. James nodded and said that he'd go down for a cigarette to lessen his emotions, have a think and some quiet reflection, and just generally calm down before returning to check up on Greg. Blythe overheard James saying this and gave it a few minutes before she followed him down.
The courtyard was nothing especially special, it was about the size of the backyard of a standard flat and was underneath a gazebo and shade, with a mixed variety of both real and fake plants of various types, a couple of old couches, and a stone wall along the left side that stood about three feet high that James was perched on. However, the cold weather meant that the outdoor smoking area was completely empty aside from James. Blythe walked over, and James watched her suspiciously as she approached; "what's going on?" he queried, "everything alright?"
"Yeah, James, everything is okay," Blythe sighed, "can I have a cigarette?" she gestured towards the pack.
"Yeah, of course you can," James pushed the pack towards her and took a deep drag from his own before chuckling lightly; "kind of ironic, isn't it? The smoking oncologist. Weird thing is, is that Greg and I hardly ever smoked before we got together, I mean we did sometimes; but not very much- but now, especially since coming on this trip; it feels like at least one of us is smoking all the time,"
"They say it helps with stress," Blythe added, and James nodded in silent agreement; "James, is everything going okay for you? From what I've heard, and seen myself firsthand for you guys is that you've both been under a lot of stress and no one else really understands. Everyone always makes sure that Greg is okay, but they seem to forget about you a lot; I thought I'd check up on you and see how you're coping, I don't think many people do, and they seem to just put you and Greg together in the same box as though you're the same person, and if Greg says he's okay, then you must be too; but no one really checks in to see how James is doing very often, do they?"
James shrugged, "no, I suppose they don't. It's been a lot of stress, Blythe. If I'm being honest, it's taking its toll. Not on Greg and I's relationship, but on the relationships we have with everyone else who enters our orbit. I'm so furious with Lisa at the moment too. I get and appreciate everything she's done for Greg and I on this trip; but I'm still fuming. She just can't keep her mouth shut and doesn't understand that other people's business is exactly that, the business of other people. She outed Greg and I to you; which I know that you'd already figured it out somehow- I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, I know how intuitive, intelligent, and perceptive Greg is; and I had always figured he'd gotten that skill from his mother. But in saying that, it wasn't Lisa's place to tell anybody because it isn't Lisa's news. It should have been up to Greg to announce it to you when he was ready and in a way that he chose to do it. I know that Greg was really disappointed that Lisa basically stole that off him. Whether you knew or not, it still wasn't for her to decide,"
"I understand, and I should have acted differently, at least acted surprised- but the happiness and excitement of it all were and are real, James. You're an amazing partner for Greg, you keep him grounded, you have always been there for him in his darkest times and never have you ever abandoned or hurt him, and most importantly; you love him for exactly who he is- not who you think he could become, or what you could 'fix' him to be, but for who he is today, and who he will be tomorrow. There aren't many people out there like that James, especially not for people like Greg. So long as he has you, he'll never need anyone else," Blythe comforted.
"Thanks Blythe," James looked down at himself; "I just feel terrible sometimes, sometimes… I don't know, it's like I get depressed or super burnt out, and I know that it's not fair because Greg deals with so much more everyday… but sometimes the misery just builds up inside of me, it's not as though I take it out on Greg; sometimes I lose my temper and I blow off a little steam, like just before, but I never enjoy it. What I usually do is just push it further and deeper down until it spews up. Like upstairs with Lisa before, everything just becomes a bit too much. But then again, if it weren't for Lisa being here with us; then I'd be dead by now," James swung his leg forward and kicked the back of his heel against the wall.
"Yeah, John… he, I didn't realise that I had married a monster until it was too late. The only good that has come of that marriage was my Greg, everything else just feels like a lie on top of a lie, on top of new lies," Blythe mumbled.
James laughed dryly, "I don't mean about John, I mean about the other day when the ambulance came, I don't know how much Lisa told you when you saw her when she came to collect some clothes; but you know that I attempted to kill myself, right? I tried to commit suicide… by overdose. I took some of Greg's spare pills. Quite a lot of them actually. It should have already done the job by the time that Lisa had woken up," James lowered his eyes and voice again, "if Lisa hadn't woken up, I was probably about five minutes away from dying given that I'd stopped breathing… and yet, I still get angry at her over things that are small by comparison to, well death. What's worse is that Greg ended up seeing me like that, he was already stressed enough with everything that's going on and I just went and made it so much worse for him and everyone else. Those days that I was in the hospital, I wasn't in a regular hospital ward; once they'd stabilised me, they put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold because I'd tried to kill myself… the psychiatrist there gave me a diagnosis as well- borderline personality disorder. Which I now have to learn how to manage, and see a psychologist, trial medications and so on once we get home. Aside from Greg, you're the only person who I've told. I'm pretty embarrassed by it really. In saying that, I'm organising things back home to get support, find a good doctor and so on, and from what I've read up about it, and Greg's been a great help too; he's been learning all about it too, is that this certain form of therapy; DBT- dialectal behaviour therapy, is meant to help a lot; not a cure, but a management. I'm not going to let it rule my life; however, I totally understand if you don't want your son to be with someone like me, someone who is this level of screwed up," James admitted.
"I didn't know that, but it doesn't change anything. I'm not sure if you've noticed, James, but Greg is hardly a shining beacon of mental health himself. I'm not new to being a support and help when it comes to mental health. As far as I see it, it's no different than if you were diagnosed as a diabetic; so, you'd need to take better care and more notice of your health, take medication, see a doctor, and so on. But it's not going to fundamentally change who you are. You are James, and that's all there is to it. You are James who is witty, smart, kind, loyal, protective, supportive, and always puts Greg first- all very admirable traits. You are the same James who gave up everything, even giving up a marriage, to move in to do everything for Greg when he was at his lowest mentally and physically after Stacy left him following his surgery. You're the same James who cooked every meal for him, who held him while he cried, helped him get in and out of the bath, helped him on and off the toilet, helped him get his lower half dressed, carried him into bed, took him to all of his physiotherapy appointments and made sure that he actually did the prescribed exercises, you picked him up off the floor every time he fell; all while losing your own marriage, and I'm certain that Greg was not a very easy patient. Yet, you persevered until Greg was strong enough to do all these things for himself again, because he means so much to you and you're a good person. You're a special, one of a kind sort of person, James. No words on a piece of paper are ever going to change the sort of man you are," Blythe comforted, and wrapped her arm around his broad shoulders.
"You've really been a great help, Blythe, thank you," James smiled back at her, tears beginning to prickle at his big, round brown eyes, "could you just do me a favour, though?"
"Name it," she smiled back.
"Could you keep all of this, just between you and I? I mean, it's something that I should probably bring up to Lisa at some point, but Greg and I are still getting used to everything and learning about it all ourselves; and sometimes Lisa can be a bit… much or get carried away, or become hysterical, you know?" James asked.
"Mom's the word," Blythe tapped her nose and stood up, and invited the seated James in for a hug, once she moved in, Blythe bent down and gently kissed the top of his head, "everything's going to be just fine baby, I promise. No matter what, you will always have somewhere safe to be when you're with Greg and I, okay? We're going to make this all better, even if it takes all three of us forever; we're a little family, okay? You, me, and Greg, and no one will ever take that away from any of us. We don't give up on each other and nobody gets left behind. If you ever need anything, just ask, and mom will be right there, okay?"
James nodded, and held on tighter around Blythe's waist as tears began to slip helplessly down his cheeks; he desperately wanted to thank her but couldn't muster up any more words in his emotional state.
"You're welcome, son," she whispered to him.