Life doesn't go forward but inward. Perhaps, that was how it was like to Akashi Seijuro.
He wanted nothing but things to stay the same, for his friends to be there all the time. However, life in particular wasn't as easy as it was. People were bound to grow, sometimes, altogether, other times, apart.
There was no easy way to keep everything as it were. It was in this realization that he began to realize the reality of his existence. Something inside him was telling how he should have done his actions, how he should have reacted to people around him. Strangely, it felt like he was sharing a body with another person with a mind of its own.
Every day felt like there was a mass of darkness in front of his face which stood in between of his self and the world, between him and other people. Day by day, he found his self losing grip until he could no longer make it through to the other side.
Must he surrender and allow this other person to abdicate his self? Let the force take him, as if he had to die in a violent way just to give way to this so called ideal life?
Who are you really? He asked.
But the other persona was on the verge of collapse, the realization of its existence triggered it. He was not supposed to exist but the immense mourning and fear gave birth to it.
—I am you!
He had no intention to oppose anymore.
It was a fact, he was him and they were as of one entity.
You want to be acknowledged.
—…
You want to prove that you exist.
—…
You resist any frailty.
—…
You don't want sympathy, rather you want to be understood.
—…
You wanted to be in control.
—Shut up!
Let me ask you again, who are you?
—…I am you!
No… I am not you, rather, you are me.
You are catalyze by my emotion, this, I finally understand. There is no other person, it's all just me.
All along.
I am aware of who I was before and now.
It's been so long.
The moment passed, and he must move along.
Akashi Seijuro breathed in and out.
All it took was to be questioned by someone, and for him to acknowledge it himself—that there was never another Akashi Seijuro.
He had to accept the fact that he was merely a human, who tend to be fragile and vulnerable. That it was all part of surviving in this world.
That it was a proof of being alive.
That he couldn't always be strong.
He was Akashi Seijuro, then and always have been.
Out of one long battle, came one exhilarating thought that released him from the darkness, he was finally free.
For the first time in a long long while, he felt light.
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A few days had passed since the tournament and everyone was back in Kyoto. Since then, Akashi Seijuro was frequenting his father's office at home. The news of his defeat already reached the ear of his father and as expected, Masaomi wasn't pleased.
Nonetheless, Seijuro let it be. He knew it was coming and that was fine. He was aware of it now, just like losing, his father's reaction was inevitable. In the end, nothing would change. It was just another part of being alive.
Every end of the meeting, he would always proceed to the garden, spending all day sitting while watching the place.
Hotaru found it unusual. There must be something going on every time. Unfortunately, both the head and the heir were tight-lipped about it.
It wasn't until one time that she got the moment she was waiting for.
Finally, Seijuro spoke. It may not be referring directly to what was going on, but this was Akashi Seijuro, every words coming out of his mouth meant something—a clue for her to understand what was truly happening.
"What does happiness feel like?" he said on whim, without a warning.
Her forefinger twitched as it traced the surface of the teapot on her hands.
Strange…not only the question but the way he seemed to be in deep thoughts.
The girl stretched her lips in a thin line. She wanted to know the answer to that as well. However, more than that, she'd prefer to know what made the redhead asked it.
Well…
Perhaps, he could say that he had felt it once. It was a long time ago. During a moment between him and his mother. He knew it was happiness he felt every moment he spent with her. Did that feeling left him? Was it still in his heart? Honestly, he couldn't tell anymore as if he had long forgotten what it was like.
He leaned forward and took a slight sip of the fresh tea served by the girl. His eyes fell on one particular plant in the garden as he savored the drink.
Familiarity hit him.
There was the usual shrub with nothing but its brown and dry branches. It would be the perfect nostalgia if only the green leaves and red flowers were present. Of course, no roses would bloom during this cold season.
"Hmm, isn't that what you feel after every victory?" she answered after contemplating just to realize how insensitive it sounded considering the redhead's recent lost. "I-I didn't mean it in a bad way."
He didn't mind though. "I suppose. Even so, I wouldn't say that." He gave a short glance.
Winning had always been more of a responsibility to him. Therefore, it wasn't happiness that he felt, rather, it was relief. If he would have to describe it, it was more of gladness—glad that it was done, glad that he succeeded, glad that he fulfilled his task very well. Like a single thorn was finally removed after a long while, it was comforting.
With defeat in his hand, was he supposed to be sad? He wondered why it wasn't the case. In fact, he didn't feel any, not even disappointment. His father was more displeased with the outcome than him.
He sighed quietly.
Hotaru gave another try, "It's happiness, finding a good book to read, the weather after winter, the transition of summer to autumn, something like these… I guess?" Merely, she was just blabbering,
"Would the opposite of those bring you sadness?"
"I… no, not exactly, Seijuro-sama."
He smirked a little, that was what he meant. What a simple yet complicated thing.
The girl straightened her back, finally done with the fixing, pouring and all necessary acts that must be done on top of the table. She kept both hands behind as it held one medium size tray.
The way the red head was acting bugged her. He may be calm like the usual, but the words coming out of his mouth weren't. It seemed like he was in deep thoughts lately.
The aura he had was the same of that person she had known before, the person she grew up with. There was no doubt that he was back. The changes that happened to him felt like a mere imagination now. However, she couldn't stop worrying. If she could only get the chance to really ask what happened then and that time during his last game, then perhaps she would understand.
"…Is there something wrong, Seijuro-sama?"
He glanced at her. It wasn't entirely because there was something wrong per se. It was more of being inquisitive about something. Like a puzzle, it made him think about things thoroughly.
When the unbeatable experienced defeat? What else was there to be afraid of? Just why and what did he try so hard for? Was it for happiness?
She watched him quietly, watched the way he moistened the lower part of his lip before speaking again.
"I have come to a realization..." he paused. He was hesitant to deliver it, thinking if he must say it out loud or keep it to his self.
He gave her a long look. "After that game, that defeat... I wonder if there is anything else I'm afraid to happen."
Hotaru blinked.
"The feeling of losing wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be." Except for his father's endless bickering, nothing really changed. So, why was he so eager for victory? "To be in control is tiresome. I've been very hard to myself." He finished.
Hotaru nodded sharply. It had been a while since they agreed on one thing as quickly as this. She placed the tray she had been holding from the start at the table to sit on the next vacant chair beside him. She didn't realized how much she wanted him to recognize that fact. Indeed, losing was not something to be feared about. It was an experience all humans had in their lifetime.
Somehow, she wasn't scared to speak up. "Would you like to go out, Seijuro-sama?"
Akashi narrowed his eyes towards her.
"Ahm… somewhere, outside." Anywhere as long as it is not in this house.
There was a consequence on what she was suggesting but he could see from her eyes that she was well aware of it. Nevertheless, he wanted to confirm. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Is there anything else you're afraid of?" she asked with a smile, like a challenge.
Akashi blinked. That... he wanted to know, indeed.
He smirked. Well, he would see.
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Akashi Seijuro stood in front of one convenience store nearby. The two just walked their way after sneaking out of the mansion. He nearly smiled while gazing at the name of the store.
"Here, Seijuro sama." Hotaru came out, bringing two ice pops for them to eat.
He looked at it for quite some time, unsure. "When you said you'd like to go somewhere, I didn't expect it to be here." He took the icepop and stared at it some more. "Ice pop... in winter?" the redhead pondered. "Interesting..."
She smirked. "What do you expect? This is all I can do with my bare power." Hotaru grinned, taking the comfort of one railing at the street side to lean on.
There were no people around anymore, as if they were the only ones outside. Considering how late it was already, she wouldn't wonder anymore. "This one is open 24 hours." as if mentioning that would explain the absurdity of the situation.
Nevertheless, Akashi peeled off the cover of his ice pop and began eating.
The weather was freezing and he was eating something cold. Their breaths were even forming a fog. Surely the two were inviting discomfort to themselves.
Hotaru grimaced, "Ahh, its cold." her voice almost cracked. Even the railing she was leaning on was of the same temperature. It felt like a torture, she must say.
"What exactly are we doing?" Akashi had to ask.
Technically, they were sneaking out. There was no other place to go except here so that was that. Hotaru took another bite from her ice pop. "So... How does it feel?"
He raised a brow before looking her with doubt. "Well, it's freezing."
She laughed a little.
With a sigh, she spoke. "Hayama-san once told me that he often sneaked out of their house at midnight just to buy chips in the convenience store. When he saw how horrified my face became after hearing it, he burst out of laughter."
The redhead was just listening. He could totally imagine Hayama doing that.
"I thought about you when I heard that. There was just no way you would be allowed to do that. You probably wouldn't even think of eating chips in the middle of the night. Instead, you would be in your room, studying."
A trace of a pained smile crossed her face before she brushed it off to look at him. "Yet, here we are."
Akashi fainted a smile on his face as he looked down at the empty stick on his hand. Maybe a chip would have been better instead of ice pop.
Hotaru shrugged, "I wonder if Masaomi-sama already found out that we went out."
Akashi knew his father well, and for that he was sure that they were not yet discovered.
His father was still probably attending to the endless paperwork in his office. Certainly, that person too, won't even bother taking a glimpse to his own son at this time of the night.
"Are you afraid he'd know?" Seijuro asked.
Her hand tightened so quickly on her empty stick, imagining it sent shivers to her skin. "O-Of course. Who wouldn't—"
"—I won't." He cut. "I am not scared of my father, Hotaru."
She sweat dropped, of course he would say that, but then she snapped. It was the first time she heard of that. It made her wonder for some reason.
According to her memory, Seijuro was often quiet whenever he was in front of the Akashi head. Was that not due to fear?
"But when we were scolded before, because of that—did you remember the bun I sneaked in your room? We both couldn't speak?"
He looked at her as if it was unheard of. "I didn't speak not because I couldn't. Back then, I just had nothing to say."
Her mouth parted. Hotaru realized how much she had not known her superior truly. Somehow she fell quiet.
"Seijuro-sama, may I ask you a question?"
He seemed to be waiting although he did not actually confirm.
Come to think of it, in the duration of her stay in the mansion, she could probably count the times Masaomi had spoken to Seijuro. He was out for a business trip most of the time. Hotaru sometimes forgot that the mansion was Masaomi's property because he was rarely seen. Seijuro had probably spent more time with her than his own father. Nevertheless, the menacing aura Masaomi had every time was enough to send shivers to everyone in the household. It didn't matter if he was only present for a few days or some more. Naturally, everyone feared him. She assumed Seijuro felt the same.
"Do you… hate him—Masaomi-sama?"
There was an obvious long pause from his end. Though he didn't say he'd reply to her question, Hotaru remained waiting.
At the pit of her mind, she felt like she knew what he'd say and if her assumption was right, she understood why.
Then again, did she really want him to say it? For some reason, it felt quite wrong and she might be crossing a line she shouldn't between a father and son.
"N-Nevermind Seijuro-sama" She must stop here. It wouldn't be right. Masaomi was still his family.
Hotaru straightened her body and went to his front, giving a formal bow. "I apologize. I shouldn't have asked that."
A small smile crossed his face. Was it really something to be sorry for? He knew it too. Everyone in the household had their own share of thoughts and opinions regarding his relationship with his father. Of course, he knew what it could be. They probably assumed he hated his father.
Perhaps, at one point in his life, he did. Then, gradually, it changed. He wasn't sure what he felt now. He could've had nothing anymore towards his father, no attachment, no love. Even if there was something, it would only be just indifference.
Hotaru peeked at his face, wondering why he was not saying anything. Those expression didn't seem offended of her question anyway.
She took on her own accord to lean back, just staring at him as he did the same. She sighed and comprehended her own situation, her own relationship with her parents. It can be tough, surely. She hadn't much time with both of them anyhow. How would she be able to understand what Akashi Seijuro felt?
Maybe that… "I never really met my mother, you know." She smiled wistfully, "Despite that, my father used to assure me every time that she loved me, just as he did..." Her hands fell on to her chest as she reminisced those times. "I like to think that I am the product of their love for one another. Somehow, there's a salvation in just knowing that."
Hearing it made him remember what his mother once said.
Don't resent your father, Seijuro… no matter what.
Back then, he really didn't know why she said it. It was just a simple event at school where his father couldn't attend—like usual. He wasn't particularly angry about it though. The presence of his mother was enough that time.
Masaomi just seemed to have a different means of raising a son. He was strict, direct to the point and was never fond of mistakes. He didn't do what other fathers did. He didn't bring his child anywhere, didn't give praises when necessary. It was as if he only wanted his son to exist nearby, while expecting he'd excel in anything as if it was the norm. He never asked what his son felt or thought.
That time, Seijuro remembered having a thought as he looked at his classmates surrounded by both of their parents. His father could have just showed up. He didn't really have to stay. So why couldn't he do the bare minimum of being a father?
Now that he recalled, it must be that. Maybe it was the way he looked at the father of his classmates that time that made his mother say it. Maybe his face showed some disappointment.
Even so, it was easier said than done. If he must not hate his father, but he couldn't bring to love him, then what else must he feel?
His lack of apathy towards his father probably rooted from that time. Still, it wouldn't be right to associate the word hate. To hate was to feel and he felt nothing.
Nevertheless, it was nice to hear what she said. He was here because his mother loved his father and he could only hope the latter felt the same. He wasn't sure, he couldn't recall his father shedding tears during the funeral of his mother. Either way, he didn't re-marry up to this day. So…. Who knows?
"I'll keep that in mind, Hotaru."
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Back in the mansion, Hotaru saw the redhead back to his room. The short adventure they had was not bad.
Everything was a first for him. He sneaked out, ate something not season or weather friendly. He even skipped his study and did something that wasn't healthy for his body. It was a good experience nonetheless.
"Thank you, Hotaru."
She fixed herself after bowing and looked at him more. Since that tournament, he was different. But it was a good kind of different. His face wasn't tense as it used to be. His eyes were different as if it was the same person years ago—the one she remembered from her childhood. Her mouth parted just to seal it again. There was so much hesitation on her part to bring up a question that hunted her for so long. When would exactly be the right time to ask?
He blinked at her rigid expression. Something must be going on, he figured.
"What is it?"
His voice sounded calm, not authoritative like before. There was no pressure to speak up anymore. To this, her face eased up. The aura of intimidation was gone. He was now talking like the old days with eyes that seemed to be connecting with her. He was no longer the distant person anymore.
She had waited so long for an opportunity like this. Hotaru closed her eyes for a second before moistening her lips, "What... happened exactly?"
He didn't speak immediately. The stillness in the quiet surroundings was irrevocably blissful.
There must be so much thoughts going on inside that mind of her, about him, since then. Needless to say, if there was one person who would notice the changes that occurred to him the most, it would be her.
He looked in another direction then back at her, contemplating, wondering how he must answer. The question was too broad but he knew exactly what she meant.
"I…" he began after a long while of utter silence. "...had to surrender to that person inside me."
It made her twitch.
Then he thought, would she understand?
"I never disappeared. I merely just stayed quiet."
The look she gave answered him.
A face caught in between gladness and longing. Eyes were wide open and watery all of a sudden. If he had to put a definition on that expression, perhaps he could say... she understood it and she finally came to agreement with the war of thoughts inside her mind.
Hotaru stayed as she was, looking quietly at him for a few seconds before looking down. There was an urge to cry. There were so many things she wanted to say since that day, so many things she'd like to ask. For years, she had saved all those words out of fear. She couldn't believe it was all over.
"...I have always wanted to ask about it."
"Why didn't you?"
She hardened her fist. Must she say? "Because it might be a futile question." She met his eyes, "You came home that day, looking at me with a different eye. I thought you were someone else."
Akashi Seijuro understood, a tip of his lips inched up in a culpable way.
"But I have always believed that it was still you even though my eyes refused and my mind disapproved. In my heart, I believed that it was still you."
She huffed for air, "So asking who are you would be nonsense because it was clearly you."
He didn't know why, but for some reason, his heart ached. At some point, he wondered why she never said anything. Turned out, all this time, she was aware, but unlike him, there was no room for doubt. From the beginning, she had believed that there could only be one Akashi Seijuro.
Her hands were on her chest as she spoke in earnest. "I truly believed the Seijuro-sama I grew up with was there, and that this one was just another part of you."
"..." She was talking a lot tonight. He couldn't bring his self to say anything out of surprise.
In the end, all he could pay her was a small smile forming on his face. "Thank you, Hotaru." Ever since, she had her own way of making him feel light.
"But I—"
"—for believing. That's enough for me... perhaps, a lot. " he mused under his breath.
Hotaru bit her lips and huffed out. There was no time to cry. She was just too glad and that topped every emotion in her heart.