Olivia sat down on the couch in Dr. Lindstrom's office.
"Thank you for making the time to see me. I know this is really last minute." She started.
"Of course. You made it sound urgent on the phone."
"Yeah, I'm supposed to be returning to work today."
"Supposed to?"
"Well this morning Chief Dodd's stopped by letting me know that I didn't need to rush back to work." Dr. Lindstrom nodded, encouraging her to continue. "I went to see Ed first."
"Oh?" He asked.
"It was awkward. I have a lot of guilt about how I ended things with him."
"Why do you think that is?"
She looked at him for a moment as she tried to organize her thoughts.
"Because I broke his heart," she said, but as soon as the words let her mouth she knew they weren't entirely true or at least not the whole truth. It was true that she hurt him; she was sure of that the moment he turned around before walking out of her apartment that night. It was like he was giving her one last chance to change her mind, to back track before he gave up on them.
"Is that all?" He asked, breaking her train of thought.
"No, it's not." She broke her own heart. She hurt Noah. The little boy was already attached. Ed had spent all evening with him while she wrapped up the case. She came home and kicked Ed out without giving either of them the opportunity to say goodbye.
"Go on," the shrink encouraged.
"I think I was scared. We've talked about how when I was a little girl there wasn't exactly anyone there to take care of me; to nurture me. Ed was always so present for whatever I needed. I mean I dumped him after he spent the evening taking care of Noah so I could work. When I got home Ed had given him dinner and gotten him ready for bed. He had done everything so that I could enjoy a few minutes of fun with my son. And I just told him that it was too hard." She took a couple of deep breaths.
"You know while I was standing outside of Ed's office this morning, I was thinking about how different the last few months would have been."
"How so?"
"Well if I hadn't forced him to leave that night, he would have likely been there with us for Noah's first day of preschool. And when I took that call from Fin, Ed would have been holding his hand, and Noah wouldn't have stepped into oncoming traffic. He wouldn't have gotten that bruise that led to the DA's investigation. Shelia wouldn't have found the report; she wouldn't have found Noah at all. She wouldn't have kidnapped him."
"Olivia, you aren't responsible for other people's actions."
"Maybe not, but it still would have been different."
"Maybe, but you don't know for sure that Shelia's private investigator wouldn't have found Noah."
"But then Ed would have been around. She would have seen that he was happy and loved deeply by two people who have wanted a child for so long that they gave up their careers to make the home he was growing up in a place full of love."
"Loved by two people?" He wanted to bring her attention to her own admission about Ed's role in her family.
She looked at him; she hadn't realized she had put Ed in that category.
"Yeah, before I ended it, Ed said he wanted to retire… to do nothing, hopefully with someone like me. But… I wasn't ready to give up my job yet. And I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Had I not ended it when I did, I'm relatively certain that the next step for us would have been moving in together." Taking a deep breath, "That would have meant that Ed would be taking a more active, a more clearly defined role in Noah's life."
"Ah."
"And I gave all of it up. Because I was scared."
"And now?"
"Now, I want him back. I almost lost everything." They sat in silence for a minute. "So this morning I brought him coffee, and I asked him to take a walk with me."
"Did you go on a walk?"
"No, but he did agree to meet me this afternoon for a late lunch. Around the corner from Noah's school so I can pick him up on time."
"And that brings us here." Dr. Lindstrom concluded.
"Yeah, uh yes."
"Olivia, how do you want this meeting with Ed to go?"
"I want him back. I want to build a life outside of the job with him, and with Noah."
"It sounds like you've thought this out." He responded. The two sat in silence for a minute. They had been working together long enough that the doctor knew if he would give her enough time she would share what she was actually worried about.
"What if he doesn't want me anymore?" She finally asked and tears flooded her eyes.
"He agreed to meet with you, didn't he? That seems like a positive sign."
"Yes." She paused, "I'm still scared."
"Of?"
"Maybe he'll use this lunch as a way to get back at me."
"Do you really believe Ed capable of that?" He asked with some disbelief. He didn't know the Captain, but Olivia didn't suffer fools. And everything she had told them about their relationship indicated to him that Ed was nothing if not fair and kind.
"No." She took a deep breath. "No, he's not."
"So what are you afraid of?"
"Being dependent on someone." She had never verbalized that fear before. She wasn't she was even aware of that fear until she'd said it outloud to her shrink.
"Ah… Because if you are dependent on someone, then…"
"Then what happens when they leave?" She finished for him.
"The good thing about relationships is that you get to define them. Just because two people are in a relationship, and are supportive of each other, doesn't mean they are dependent."
She nodded at him and waited for him to continue.
"So, why can't a commitment to a man who loves you allow you to keep your independence?"
She shrugged.
"Or maybe, you're worried about losing yourself?"
She looked up at him sharply. "Losing myself?" She asked allowing shock to creep into her voice.
"You said you broke up with Ed because you weren't ready to retire, because the job is who you are." She nodded slightly. "Being with Ed or any man doesn't change who you are. But maybe if you will let someone share some of the load with you, maybe you can be more of who you are at work and at home."
This time she looked away from him. She wasn't sure she believed him, but she also desperately wanted it to be true.
"Olivia, you know what you want. You know what you did wrong and you are capable of taking responsibility for that. The question you need to answer for yourself is if you are ready to fight for a relationship…"
"Yes" she responded without hesitation.
"Then it sounds like you are ready to talk to Ed."
"Yeah, I guess I am."
He nodded at her before she got up to leave the room and head out to meet Ed.
"Thank you, Dr. Lindstrom."