Olivia was surprised when she rounded the corner and saw Ed already sitting at a table outside the cafe. The two weren't supposed to meet for another hour. After she left Lindstrom's office, she ran by the precinct to check in on Fin and her squad. But she was distracted, and honestly, they were doing fine without her. She thought it was better for her to walk off some of the nervous energy she had. Or if she wasn't able to walk it off, at least she wouldn't be in the squad room and the subject of everyone's stares as they tried to figure out if she was going to fall apart or not.

Ed always had a more predictable schedule, but after he left Internal Affairs, he really did have a 9-5 job. He must have decided he could afford to take some time off this afternoon in order to be there so early.

He stood up as she approached and hesitated realizing he didn't know the protocol for greeting an ex. Especially when that ex was Olivia Benson. She seemed to stall too. Throwing all caution to the wind, he reached out to her and was relieved when she allowed him to pull her to him. Not only did she allow the hug she reciprocated by wrapping her arms around his torso. When he pulled away she held on for just a second longer.

When she ended things he had been hurt, but when he walked out of her apartment that night, he knew that he decision was causing her pain too. Now, a year after she dumped him, she was holding on to him. She may have broken it off, but he didn't think she ever really wanted it to end.

"Hey." He greeted as he pulled the chair out for her.

"Hey" she returned, taking a seat. "Thank you. How long have you been here?"

"Not long." He replied. The waiter betrayed him when she walked up to the table. "She is definitely worth the wait sir."

Olivia smirked at him, as he sheepishly made eye contact. Now she knew how much he wanted to talk to her. She knew that he wanted another chance.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" The waiter directed to Olivia.

"Uh, yes. I'll take the house red." She was going to need a little liquid courage to get through this conversation.

"I'll have that out to you soon. Do you need a menu?"

"Uh, yes that would be good." The waiter nodded as she walked away.

The two sat in silence. He was waiting for her to start the conversation but she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

"So… you wanted to talk?" he finally asked after the silence had become so uncomfortable he had a pit in his stomach.

"Uh, yeah… yes." More silence. Her courage was fading quickly. "Ed…" she needed to just bite the bullet. Dr. Lindstrom was right: she knew what she wanted. "I'm sorry." She said in a quiet whisper. "Uh, I'm sorry for how I ended things." She said loud enough for him to hear this time. Ed nodded. "I was… scared." She said as she toyed with the napkin her silverware was wrapped in.

"Why?" He asked, almost sounding offended.

"Uh, because everyone abandons me." She responded sarcastically. She took a deep breath, and made eye contact with him. His confused expression encouraged her to elaborate on her statement, "Elliot, and Munch, Brian, Cragen, and Nick…" she explained to him.

"Ok." He said slightly flustered. She picked up on his tone and was surprised by it. But perhaps she shouldn't have been; he probably didn't appreciate being compared to the people he had investigated for misconduct and sometimes worse. People that he knew had affected her just by leaving and moving on to the next phase of life. People who had helped shape her into the person she is today by being in her life and by leaving it. She reached for his hand and sighed with relief when he let her take it.

Their waiter came back to the table with her wine and a menu.

"Thank you," Olivia responded. She took a swig of the maroon liquid before placing the glass on the table.

"Let me know when you're ready." The two nodded as the waiter put the menu on the table and left them alone again. During the exchange Ed didn't let Olivia pull her hand away. His grip on her gave her butterflies in her stomach.

"So now… you're not scared?" Ed asked, bringing her attention back to the conversation at hand.

She looked at him. "No, Uh, I'm still scared. I guess, I figured if I ended things you wouldn't be able to leave me."

"I wasn't going to leave you." He told her resolutely.

"Yeah. yeah. I know that. I knew that. Maybe I guess after everything, after almost losing Noah, I'm ready to face some of my fears."

"Really?" He asked, his voice laced with disbelief.

"No, yes, I don't know…" She took another gulp of wine before continuing, "With everything that happened with Sheila…" she exhaled. She looked at him trying to decide how much and what exactly she wanted to tell him. She thought back to Barba's words, 'Maybe you wanted Shelia to work out a little too much.' That was true she did want it too much. But if she could have dreams of making a family with a woman, who from the moment she entered their lives wanted to rip Noah away from the only home he has ever known, why couldn't she open her heart to making a family with Ed.

"I wanted to trust her for Noah's sake." She began to explain, "I wanted Noah to have that biological connection. I wanted him to have something that I never had. Isn't that what being a parent is about? Giving your kids a better life, a better world, than the one you got?" She took another swig of her wine. "But from the moment that woman walked into our lives she showed me that I couldn't trust her. I gave that woman my son, and I…"

"Hey," he interrupted her, "don't do that to yourself." He squeezed her hand. "Noah is safe. And… she loves him. She wasn't going to hurt him." She looked at him skeptically. He held her gaze. He knew that she didn't believe what he was saying, but he so desperately wanted to convey to her that she is a good mom.

"Maybe she wouldn't hurt him physically." She responded. Taking another breath before she continued, "I think I knew in my gut that something wasn't quite right with her." She paused again, "and it made me think about other times that I ignored my gut recently." And at that she averted her eyes and withdrew her hand from the table. She picked up her wine glass and took another sip.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Ed, I shouldn't have ended things." She looked up at him and when she saw the sadness in his eyes, she felt her eyes flood with tears. She looked up and blinked trying to keep them from falling. "When you walked out that night… " another deep breath. She was trying desperately not to cry. "I knew the moment you closed the door that I had made the wrong decision."

He put his hand face up on the table inviting her to take it. She smiled slightly as she put her hand back in his. She stared at their clasped hands as she attempted to regain control of her emotions.

He closed his hand around her and used his thumb to sooth her knuckles. He wasn't sure she was done talking, but he wasn't ready to respond yet. He wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to happen. He had been thinking a lot about her the last two months. He had started to go on dates again. Every woman he met was compared to her. But he was determined to not end up alone. His ex wife may have cheated on him, but that didn't mean he was undeserving or that there weren't women out there that were capable of sharing a life with him. Olivia had taught him that he was deserving of love. He didn't have to abandon his dream of having a life outside the job, just because she abandoned him.

Now here she is. With him. Baring her soul. He still wanted her. And Noah. He wanted them. But… He didn't want, he couldn't, get on the ride again with her. His heart wouldn't survive being crushed by her again. She needed to know that. It wasn't that she owed him penance; that's not what he wanted. He just needed to know that she was ready to build a life together. He picked up her hand and placed a kiss on her knuckles before placing it back on the table and withdrawing his own. He saw more than heard her breath catch.

"Liv,"... "Liv, what is it exactly that you want from me?"

She looked at him.

"I wish I could take it back. You know, Sheila only found Noah because of the DA's child abuse investigation. And the only reason there was an investigation was… I was walking Noah to his first day of Pre-K, and we were waiting to cross the street," she cleared her throat, "Fin called, and I answered the phone. The light changed and Noah started to cross the street. A taxi blew through the red light, and I grabbed him to keep him from getting hit." Another deep breath, "that's where the bruise came from. He got a bruise to stop him from getting run over by a car."

She took another drink of her wine before continuing, "So if I hadn't ended things, you probably would have been there with us. And… " clearing her throat again before continuing, "when I answered the call from Fin, you would have been holding his hand. And… well you would have seen the taxi; Noah wouldn't have stepped off the sidewalk; I wouldn't have grabbed him; he wouldn't have gotten the bruise; the DA's office wouldn't have opened an investigation; and… Sheila wouldn't have found him."

"Olivia," he started before looking away from her, "you can't blame yourself."

"Can't I? I mean why wouldn't I? It all happened because of one single decision I made when I was scared." The first tear finally fell and landed on the table cloth.

He hated to see her cry. She'd been through so much in her life, and he knows she's had plenty of reason to cry. He just despises the idea that he has contributed to her sadness. One of the many reasons he just disappeared after their breakup was because he didn't want her to have to think about it or second guess her decision. He didn't want her to replay it in her head and doubt herself. He knew that when he walked out of her apartment his heart wasn't the only one that had broken.

"And I chose not to fight for us." He confessed to her quietly.

When she finally allowed their eyes to connect she saw his guilt. It felt like a punch to the gut. She wasn't sharing this with him to make him feel guilty. It was her own fault. She looked away again and crossed her arms attempting to protect herself from the emotionally heavy wall between the two of them. It felt like the wall was getting bigger. She so wanted him to envelop her in his arms and never let go. Knowing that wasn't going to happen, not yet anyway, she tried to provide that support for herself.

They sat quietly for what felt like way too long. The tears leaving streaks on her cheeks. She didn't trust herself not to start sobbing if she went to fill the silence. The waiter approached the table again and she batted her eyes hoping that it wasn't blatantly obvious what was happening.

"Are you ready to order?" She asked a little too bubbly for either of the tables' occupants. To allow Olivia a modicum of privacy while she gathered herself, Ed responded, "I think we need a few more minutes." She smiled weakly at him, thanking him for letting her at least attempt to hide her tears from the stranger. He knew that she hated seeming weak. She was Olivia Benson, a dedicated cop with over 30 years of experience. She was a Lieutenant for God's sake, she was anything but weak.

"I hated leaving that night." Ed finally admitted.

"But?" she asked.

"But… I knew if I pushed you," he cleared his throat, "there was a greater possibility that you'd end up resenting me. And I thought that if I ever wanted you to… rethink your decision, you'd have to get there on your own."

She scoffed at his words, partly out of relief and partly out of dismay. He reached out to her, and she jumped at the opportunity to take his hand. She squeezed it tightly hoping that he wouldn't let go. She didn't know if he knew it, but his hand was the only thing tethering her to the earth, keeping her from tumbling over the cliff into a bottomless pit of sadness and despair.

"So…" she started after the silence became uncomfortable again, "what does that mean for us? For now?"

He took a deep breath before responding. "It means that as much as I want this, I want us, that… that I'm always going to wonder if you and I can be in the same place. At the same time."

She began to openly cry. She knew this was a possibility. That he could reject her because she had broken his trust. She tried to pull her hand out of his grasp, but he wouldn't let go. She looked up at him dejected. What had felt like a huge comfort only seconds ago felt like fire licking at her hand.

"We… can try this, us, again." He sighed forcing her to look at him before continuing, "but we are going to have to figure out how to talk about what we want the future to look like. I love you, Olivia."

"I love you too, Ed."

He kissed her hand again before finally relaxing his grip giving her the option to pull away. She didn't. In fact she held on tighter afraid he would disappear.

"I know that Noah is your priority. I want him to be your priority. I know the job is important to you, and that you can't, or aren't ready to leave." He looked away before continuing, "But I've been alone for a long time. You've been alone for a long time. I don't want to die without getting to not be alone."

"Why haven't you retired?" She asked rather abruptly.

"Because I don't want to be alone." He emphasized again, "and with the job at least someone would notice if I died."

She looked at him somberly. "I would notice if you died," she whispered so low that he could barely hear her.

"I know you would." He assured her. She took his hand in both of hers and brought it to her lips before placing it back on the table.

"So, are we going to try this again? Start over?" He asked hopefully.

She nodded, "I'd like that. Very much."