"Let's get your shirt and pants off while I get the bruise cream," Dawn said.
"It's only my ribs that are injured," Xander told her as she vanished into the kitchen.
"I still want to check," she called back.
"It's a trap," Ted warned Xander, doing a half decent Admiral Ackbar impression.
Xander laughed as he took off his shirt revealing a torso covered in bruises. "I'm aware."
Dawn returned with a first aid kit and winced. "I was joking about the pants, but maybe we should, just to be safe."
"Yeah," Xander reluctantly agreed as he saw how some bruises extended down under his waistband.
"It didn't look that bad earlier," Ted said.
"Bruises take time to develop," Xander replied, "and I knew I was sore and stiff, but I didn't realize it was this bad."
"Let me get you a Speedo to wear under your boxers," Dawn said as she examined him. She found the two staring at her. "What?" she asked.
"Speedo under his boxers?" Ted asked, confused.
"And why would you have a Speedo my size?" Xander asked.
Dawn grinned. "My sister was a cheerleader and cheerleaders get sprains and bruises all the time. Now a little icy hot does wonders, but it's really hard to get off your fingers…"
Xander and Ted exchanged confused glances, clearly not getting it.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Genitals and Icy Hot are a horrible combination, so a Speedo will help keep sensitive bits clear of it."
"Oh!" the pair's eyes widened.
"She iced the bean," Ted said with a wince. "I don't even have a vag and that hurts to hear."
"Okay that makes sense," Xander said, "but why do you have a Speedo in my size?"
"Because it's my birthday in a couple of months," she said cheerfully and went to get it.
"I get the impression she likes you," Ted noted, a touch of humor in his voice.
Xander nodded. "Yeah, since I've spent time off the Hellmouth I've gotten sensitive enough to pick that up."
Ted just stared at him. "Dude, how dense were you?" he asked in disbelief.
"My best friend had me help clean her bikini line and I thought it was just a friend thing," Xander admitted.
"Damn," Ted said, shaking his head. "I can see why she feels the need to be that blatant about it then."
Dawn bounced back down the stairs with a scrap of black cloth. "Here you go."
"Is that an eye patch?" Xander asked, confused.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "It stretches. Now go put that on."
"I'll try," Xander said with a frown before going upstairs.
Normally Dawn's eyes would have been glued to his rear as he went up the stairs, but she was distracted by the mottled purple and yellow bruises he was covered in. "Damn," she said with a wince. "Is he really okay?" she asked worriedly.
"Just a bit stiff and achy," Ted assured her. "He didn't even need his ribs taped up."
"His stiff and achy is most people's crawl into bed and pass out," Dawn said and sighed. "I'll just have to distract him and sit on him for a day or two until he heals."
"At least it's something you'll enjoy," Ted said.
"It's no sacrifice at all," Dawn agreed as Xander came down the stairs in his boxers, carrying his pants and boots, a bit red in the face.
"It really is stretchy," Xander said as he dropped his things on the couch.
"Unless you've got a baby dick it'd have to be," Ted offered.
"Let me know if this hurts," Dawn said as she opened the container of Icy Hot and scooped out a generous portion before gently applying it to his bruises.
Xander closed his eyes and sighed as the sports cream worked its magic.
"You really got worked over," Dawn said as she moved onto his back.
"I had to play tank for the raid and most of this is from being tossed across the room," he said.
Dawn knelt down and started on his legs. "You need to start wearing armor."
"I've been considering it," he promised, "I just haven't figured out the best place to buy it."
"Yeah, not sure where you can buy something like that either," Dawn admitted. "You should talk to Buffy about it, she's training with Robin and Batman probably has awesome armor."
"I could take a trip down to Jump City before heading East again," Xander said, before falling silent as her hand slipped up the leg of his boxers.
The front door opened and Joyce stood there holding a pizza box.
"It's not what it looks like…" Xander offered.
Joyce winced. "With the amount of bruises you're covered in and the smell of menthol it really doesn't look like what you're thinking of," she assured them, "though please be careful, there are some areas you do not want menthol rubbed on." She closed the door behind herself as she came in.
"I have a Speedo on under these," Xander assured her, twitching a little as Dawn continued her work.
"Then why not just wear that?" Joyce asked.
Xander opened his mouth, paused, and then looked down at Dawn. "Why not just do it in a Speedo?"
Dawn smirked up at him. "It could be because I didn't want to embarrass you or because this feels naughtier. Take your pick."
"It's probably the second one," Ted spoke up.
Joyce turned to the stuffed animal which gave a little wave. "Possessed?" she guessed.
"Miracle of God, our Lord and Savior," Ted replied, and held up his rosary.
"That's a nice change of pace," Joyce said with a smile. "Joyce Summers, pleased to meet you."
"Ted E. Bear," Ted replied in his Boston accent, "Likewise."
"I'm going to have to order more pizza," Joyce said as Xander jumped a little when Dawn worked her way around to his rear.
"No need, I've got a new trICK!" Xander's voice went up an octave as Dawn goosed him before withdrawing her hands.
"I've got to go wash my hands, try not to touch anything as it soaks in," she ordered.
"I'll stay standing," Xander agreed.
"I'm surprised you haven't yelled at him," Ted said, "most people aren't so understanding where their daughters are concerned."
Joyce waved it off. "Xander's holding up pretty well to temptation. I expect him to partially cave in after her birthday, but hold off on most things until she's at least sixteen."
"I was planning on partially caving at sixteen and fully on graduation," Xander said.
"Good luck with that," Joyce said, amused.
Dawn returned with four plates and glasses, a smile on her face.
"Empty the pizza box and let me show you my new trick," Xander said, changing the subject.
"Sure," Joyce said, clearly amused as she spread the small pizza among the four plates and handed him the empty box.
Xander set the box down in the center of the table and tapped it. "Open it."
Joyce opened the box, revealing a fresh pizza. "How?"
"Got a wish, but they'd monkey paw it if I was greedy, so I followed Oz's example and copied his wish to refill food containers at a tap," Xander explained.
"Very practical," Joyce complimented him.
"Yeah, Oz was really on the ball," Xander said.
"I talked to Ted about installing a washer, dryer, and hot tub in your place," Dawn said.
"Hot tub?" Xander repeated, surprised. "Actually one would really come in handy now that I think about it."
"Yeah, nothing better for the amount of bruises you pick up," Dawn agreed. "I got estimates and a number of possible choices on my phone if you want to see them."
"That does sound like a good idea," Xander said. "Ted make any suggestions?"
Dawn nodded and finished her bite of pizza before replying, "I figured he'd know the ins and outs of appliances better than I would. He suggested make, model, and alterations that would extend their lifespans."
"Is that like… racism against androids, assuming they know appliances?" Ted joked.
"No, Ted does his research," Xander said. "His place was immaculate."
"Except for the bodies in the basement," Dawn pointed out.
"Which he actually had a good reason for," Xander said.
Ted blinked. "What could be a good reason to have bodies in the basement?" he asked.
"He was protecting his dead wives' bodies from people who would desecrate them," Xander explained. "It was a real problem back when the mayor was alive."
"Huh, that is a good reason," Ted said, surprised.
"Surprised us too," Xander agreed. "Anyway, he does excellent work and charges far too little. Call him and tell him I said go ahead. I trust his suggestions more than my research in this sort of thing."
"Okay I'll let him know," Dawn said. "Twenty five hundred okay?"
Xander nodded. "For three major appliances, delivery, and professional installation? That's actually really cheap."
Dawn picked up her phone and typed a quick message. "Done. You are now the proud owner of a washer, dryer, and hot tub. Or will be once he installs it."
"It's Ted," Xander said, "I figure two days tops before it's done, he's the hardest working android in town."
Joyce nodded. "I hired Ted to handle the yard work and it's never looked so good."
Xander tapped his cup and it refilled itself.
"Remind me to have you refill the ice cream," Joyce said, "Buffy raided it when she visited. She always leaves about a scoop in the bottom so she can claim not to have finished an entire container."
"I'll do that after my shower," Xander said.
"How did you get so bruised up?" Joyce asked.
"Ten foot tall demonic minotaur in the Teddy Bear museum," Xander replied. "I mostly distracted and wore it down while Ted blessed the bullets Agent Baker used to kill it."
"You can bless bullets?" Dawn asked the stuffed animal.
Ted swallowed a bite of pizza and sipped his soda before answering, "I took an online course and it seems to have worked. Call me Father Ted."
"I'm not doing that," Xander said with a laugh.
Ted grinned. "Yeah, I'm not one for sermons and all that either, but praying I can do. Glad they didn't take off my rosary when they put me on display."
"How long were you there?" Xander asked.
"Not sure," Ted admitted. "I woke up from my nap about a week ago when one of the dolls in the cases moved. I thought I was seeing things and played it cool, but every now and again one of the dolls would twitch or something. I figured California has a lot of Earthquakes so it was probably a tremor causing it, but then yesterday, bam! Dolls were attacking people, there was a whole lot of screaming, and knives started flying. So I curled up in a ball, clutched my rosary, and prayed for salvation. I didn't even notice you'd picked me up at first. Thanks for that."
"It was obvious you weren't like the others," Xander said. "Couldn't leave you behind in all of that."
"Well if you need anything blessed, just ask," Ted said.
"Will do," Xander agreed and finished his pizza. "I think this stuff has soaked in enough. Mind if I borrow your shower?"
"Go right ahead," Joyce told him.
"Leave the boxers off when you change," Dawn quickly said, "they've got Icy Hot all over the inside of them and if you find any areas hard to reach, I'd be happy to help."
"I'll keep that in mind," Xander said with a grin as he grabbed up his clothes and vanished upstairs.
"So sixteen?" Dawn asked with a hopeful smile.
Joyce nodded. "You've been respectful of his boundaries and haven't pushed for more or made him uncomfortable. That kind of behavior builds trust and leads to long term relationships."
"Good," Dawn said. "Is it alright if I spend the night at Xander's?"
Joyce nodded. "Try and keep him here for a couple of days or at least long enough for the bruises to fade."
"That's the plan," Dawn said. At Joyce's look she shrugged. "It's part of the plan, the rest is cuddling and watching movies together."
*ding*
Dawn checked her phone. "And Ted said he'll have the install finished in the next forty five minutes."
"Wow," Ted said in disbelief, "he really does work fast."
Dawn nodded.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
A white van pulled up to the back of the two story building and Ted got out, grabbed his tools and opened the door leading down to Xander's bomb shelter slash house, vanishing within, leaving the door open behind him.
A minute passed before the back doors of the van opened and Ted climbed out, hefting a brand new washing machine that he carried inside.
Another minute passed and Ted climbed out of the back of the van, picked up a new dryer and carried it inside.
After yet another minute had passed, the sliding door of the van slid open and Ted got out. He pulled a dolly from inside the van and carefully positioned a large hot tub on it before carefully wheeling it inside.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
TN: You've now given me mental images of Transformers, but instead of Cybertronians it's all Teds turning into appliances. XD