Snap Back To Reality Chapter 33, a naruto fanfic

Snap Back To Reality 33

I was almost remiss to keep Taichi with Hanami. I remembered living in the Nara compound with the woman, and it had been the calmest years of my life here. I almost forgot how much fun it was training here, running laps with Hanami on her trail, playing shogi with the kids and adults and taking long naps under shaded trees. It had been nearly 3 years since I left this place.

"You can come visit whenever ok Taichi. That also goes for you too Hina," Hanami said seriously.

"O-ok! I will," Taichi said softly.

I simply nodded before I put Tsukiya in his stroller and pulled down the shades. As weird as it was, I was legally an adult and so my brothers couldn't be placed in an orphanage and I would have to provide for them. That meant I was the one who would have to deal with all the family ﬁnancial matters. I owned the bakery. It, and everything else was under my name. Of course Taichi only really knew a part of what that implied. Maybe when he grew older, he'd hate me for being the one who got everything... despite killing our parents.

I looked at the baby in the stroller and sighed. I had of course, planned ahead and hired a full-time nanny. I borrowed some money from the Shinobi Reserves Bank under an unreasonable 15 percent interest, but decided it was necessary. I would eventually be pulled into another mission, this time deﬁnitely one that had to do with ROOT and not some nice cosy D ranks. I doubted that even if I wasn't out on missions, that I would be capable of taking care of a baby anyway. I was still short enough to require a stool to even reach the sink, not to mention Taichi was only nearly 11. No kid his age should have to worry about raising a baby on his own.

"Do you think Hanami-chan will visit?" Taichi asked with a sad look.

"She deﬁnitely will. She's busy, but if you ask the hospital really nicely, they'll give you a sheet with her shifts on it," I said giving him a reassuring smile.

Taichi didn't smile back. He was normally a ball of sunshine, but he hadn't cracked a smile since I killed them. He was more subdued now, and I wondered if I should splurge more money and get him to a therapist. I put it down in my mental list of things to do, which was a distraction that kept me from doubling over in self-hate.

"Don't be surprised Tai-nii, but I hired a Nanny. She'll be coming over most mornings," I said.

"What? Like every day?" Taichi asked, looking very relieved.

I nodded. "Except for Sunday's. I think you'll have to take over those days if I'm gone. I'm sure she'll show us how to take care of Tsu-chan."

Taichi looked ﬁne until we stopped in front of our house. A few of our neighbours sent us worried looks, and few began to approach when I glared and shook my head at them. I had no idea what they would say, but I didn't want to risk it, not when Taichi was beginning to shake. I vaguely noted that my hands too were shaking. I stopped the tremor and put my hand ﬁrmly on his. To my relief he didn't pull away. He could hate me if it helped him. He could hug me if it comforted him. I didn't care what he did as long as it made him feel better.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

He shook his head as the tears began pooling into his eyes. He blinked rapidly before burying his face into his forearm.

"It's ok to not be ready," I amended. "But it's always best if you confront it now."

"H-how can you be so c-calm," he stuttered, face turning red.

I looked away and opened the door. Calm? Every time I entered this damn building it felt like I was dripping blood. I had stayed here right after getting out of the Uchiha hold, alone and completely at the mercy of the memories this home now drenched in blood I spilt. I was not calm. I was terriﬁed, but Taichi didn't need to know that.

This was all we could afford right now. When I did more missions, when Konoha's economy got good enough for pay rises, then I'd move us somewhere different, and far away. Until then I could only pray that we would get used to it.

"When you're scared Tai-nii, you should take in a deep breath and clear your thoughts. Breathing is the strength to your soul," I said a little bitterly.

And yet I was suffocating. He shakily entered the store behind me and then we made our way to the back door and up the stairs to home. Taichi froze at the door and I stopped to wait for him.

" I-I'm scared," he admitted.

"It's ok to be scared, but you have to be strong... for Tsuki-chan."

"What if I c-can't?"

"Then I will be strong for the both of us," I said ﬁrmly.

I held his hands again and pulled a little. Taichi would need to grow up soon. Too soon. He was still only 11, still only a child, but this world was unforgiving to children, and I refused to let him wilt away to its whims.

We entered a house full of ghosts, and I knew that this was one thing I couldn't do alone. Taichi was family and family looked out for each other. He was just a kid now, but he'd grow up soon, and I'd be there every step of the way.

We fell into a tentative routine, respectively taking mom and dad's roles around the house. It was that afternoon that the nanny ﬁnally came over. Tsukiya was crying and only really Taichi could calm him down, which was a relief considering I wouldn't be around much soon. I opened the door for the nanny and was surprised to see what looked like a Yamanaka of all people. Her orange-blonde fringe was pointed down the middle of her forehead, and she wore her hair in a tight ponytail to the top of her head. She was wearing a quipao style dress, which reminded me of Sakura's outﬁt except a lot whiter. Her smile was a little blinding, and I wondered if it was the blonde genes in this world that turned people into shining beams of optimism.

"Ah Mebuki-san. It's good to ﬁnally meet you in person," I said bowing slightly.

"So kid, where's the baby bro I heard so much about?" Mebuki asked excitedly.

"This way. Come in," I offered stepping aside and going ahead.

Taichi was in the kitchen taking care of lunch and he perked up to see Mebuki walk in.

"You're the new Nanny?"

"Yeah kid. Seems like I'll be having a helping hand. Cooking at such a young age too! If only my brothers were so mature," she cooed pinching Taichi's cheeks.

I coughed a little to get her attention. I had some papers to ﬁll out, some legalities to take care of too, and I didn't really have the time to spare. I was beginning to remember why being a proper adult was such a pain. Bills, mortgages, expenses and all that fun stuff to take care of on top of shinobi duty should be fun...

"Right, baby," Mebuki said getting back on track.

I nearly sighed and shook my head. I had heard only good things about her so far, and so I saw no reason to reject her offer for a full-time nanny. It was hard to ﬁnd some these days, with all the widowed shinobi running around needing someone to take care of their children.

We entered the baby room and Mebuki cooed at Tsukiya, picking him up with so much gentle ease that it reminded me of mom. I froze for a second before shaking my thoughts.

"So where's your parents? Of on a mission?"

I remembered that I hadn't ﬁlled her in yet. Admits all the sudden workload of things I needed to do; it didn't cross my mind to inform her of our situation. I nearly slapped myself for being so stupid. If she found out what I did and decided she didn't want to stay here, then I'd be short a Nanny for a long time. They were hard to ﬁnd after all.

"Our parents... they recently passed away," I said.

Her dark green eyes went wide, and a hand went to cover her mouth. I would need to look for a backup nanny just in case she found out the truth about the murders and decided to leave.

"Kami, I'm sorry kid... I didn't mean—"

"It's ok," I said quickly.

"If you don't mind me asking... why aren't you three at the orphanage then?"

I remembered that I wasn't wearing my hitaite.

"I'm a Genin," I explained. "Legally I run this house now. I'll be off on missions soon, so I'll be unable to help Taichi with his duties around here."

Mebuki stared at me in complete surprise. I remembered once again that I was still a little kid, and a lot of people who weren't Shinobi weren't really exposed to children under the age of ten going off to war. It looked just as ridiculous to me as it did to them. A bunch of midgets in battle... well it didn't seem like a smart idea, and yet chakra seemed to even the playing ﬁeld, if only slightly. As a normal child this career would be impossible, but with chakra... well it was technically ninja magic for all I cared.

"Ah, that explains things. Your brother isn't—"

"No, he's not a shinobi," I aﬃrmed, before I looked at the clock. "Speaking of which. I need to go run some errands. Can you teach Taichi the basics of taking care of a baby? I won't have the time now to learn too, but I will later."

"Yes of course!"

She followed me out of the room, Tsukiya in hand and I waved at Taichi, before grabbing my things.

"What an odd child..."

I pretended not to hear that. Staying in one place too long, not thinking about things to do, it would draw my attention back from darker thoughts. I just needed to keep busy, needed to focus on the now.

I was summoned for the ﬁrst time since that night. I was escorted discreetly into ROOT base and taken deep into the cavern where I knew Danzo waited. I felt my heart thump a little quicker, my breaths a little faster and I realised that I was terriﬁed, not of what he could do to me physically, but of what he could do to the remainder of my family and my sanity. I felt sick as I entered into his room and bowed on one knee, ﬁst on the ground. The man who had pushed me to kill my own parents and here I was prostrating myself in front of him. It was painful.

"Utsuro," he greeted.

Hollow. Maybe it wasn't just a tactic to dehumanize, but a goal he set about to accomplish. Maybe it was an omen of what was to come by his hands. Had he meant to hollow me out from the start, to take everything I was inside and destroy it? Was that why he had named me as such?

"Danzo-sama," I said, my voice lacking inﬂiction.

"Your weakness was reported. It seemed Yua and Noritaka agreed to their mutual suicide. Your task was to kill them discreetly, not to inform them of events, but I'll let it slide as the task was completed. In the future I will expect no such weakness."

"Yes Danzo-sama," I said, biting my tongue.

"You have done the right thing to let go of your Jounin sensei. Involving him would have made things messy. I did not want to dispose of a village asset, especially a Jounin, but now there is no need. We can start your training here in ROOT proper."

I felt my muscles seize and my breath hitch slightly. Any form of ROOT training was no doubt going to be torturous. They trained ruthless child soldiers, and even adults in ANBU level exercises. It would make me stronger, I reasoned, and therefore more valuable. If I could just reach beyond the level of the best, then maybe I could overcome this iron wall. It was still scary though. I remembered being so ruthlessly beaten down with the other children, our bones broken, and our limbs twisted and bruised. The hands that came at me that were so unlike the ones from war, so much more painful and unfair in comparison. There was no thrill of battle here, just a resounding fear of pain.

"You will report to the East Gate under the pretence of a long-term mission. Our agents will take you to the training grounds. Pack for 2 months."

I cursed. 2 months... I had just gotten home with Taichi. How... how would he handle being alone in that house at night without me? Even if Mebuki was there in the morning, it would do little to ease my concerns.

"You are dismissed."

"Yes Danzo-sama."

I walked back home as quickly as I could. I was scared. Terriﬁed. It was like I was walking straight into enemy territory tomorrow, dressed up in enemy clothes and pretending to be someone I'm not. I was afraid of what they could do, the feeling of utter powerlessness they seemed so easily to draw from me, that broke my spirit. I opened the door and found myself wishing for dad to hug me. I pawed at the protection omamori in my pocket.

"Hi-chan! Mebuki-san has been teaching me how to bottle feed Tsu-chan," Taichi said waving at me from the couch.

I nodded, and his expression turned worried. Mebuki turned to me, a quizzical expression on her face again. I held out a scroll in response.

"How... how long?" Taichi asked, his voice cracking.

"2 months," I said stiﬄy. "I'm sorry..."

"Where to?" Taichi prodded.

It was technically a long-term B rank to the border post up near Kumo. I had no idea where exactly we were actually going though.

"Border post," I replied slowly.

"Two months... that seems like a long time to just leave," Mebuki cut in wide eyed. "Shouldn't they give you more time— for... you know—"

I wondered if my desperation was showing, but I hoped it wasn't. I just needed to convince Mebuki to stay, even if she found out the truth. Taichi would not be able to take care of himself and Tsukiya without her help. I'd need to pay the water and electricity bills tonight in advance and... Kami, I had a lot to do.

"Don't worry about anything Taichi. I'll sort everything out. Just spend the next two months learning to take care of Tsu-chan."

"But the bakery—"

"I said don't worry," I cut in sharply, before I turned to Mebuki. I gestured for her. "Please can I talk with you privately?"

She nodded, her mouth in a thin line before I took her into a separate room. I closed the door and let out a tired breath.

"Kid, you look like all nerves. Are you ok?"

"Honestly, I'm in a tight spot right now," I admitted. "I wasn't... up front with our personal situation with you."

"I ﬁgured as much," Mebuki huffed. "You two are the strangest clients I've got. Spill, I promise I won't judge."

If only... I didn't want her to leave. If it meant I would have to give her a pay raise or promise her something ridiculous to stay and help while I'm gone, I'd gladly do it.

"My parent's... well my mother snapped. She murdered my father and attacked my brother. I killed her in retaliation."

Saying it so bluntly, watching the woman's face contort in shock and horror, made my blood freeze. I felt the heat of shame threaten to pull me in deep before I centred myself again. I had things to do, my feelings be damned.

"Taichi is not in a sound state of mind, nor is he experienced enough to handle himself for the next two months alone. I'd hoped for a shorter mission maybe, but that isn't what's happening. I need you to help him... please."

"Of course I will!"

The conviction in her eyes caught me off guard. She sniﬄed slightly before wiping away tears and putting on a determined expression. I felt my nerves calm down slightly in relief. She was going to stay and help Taichi with everything... I couldn't be more grateful.

"Kid, you've gone through a lot huh. They shouldn't be throwing you out there like this so soon. Can I hug you?"

"W-what?"

"Come here."

Mebuki got on her knees and took me into a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around her back awkwardly after realising she wasn't letting go soon. She pulled away before nodding to herself, clearly talking to whoever was in her head.

"Thank you, Mebuki-san... this really is relieving to hear," I said sincerely.

"You care about him a lot huh. So grown up despite only being a kid."

I had lived 35 years before in my previous life, and nearly 7 years in this life. If I wasn't adult-like by now, I'd consider myself a failure, but she didn't know that. I just nodded.

"I'm going to go take care of some urgent tasks again. You probably won't see me again, but thanks. I'll trust them to you... they're all I have left so please take care of them."

I bowed low. Mebuki didn't seem like the kind of woman that took a gesture like this well, but if I could prostrate myself before Danzo, then this is the least I could do for her.

"Hey kid, don't go bowing and all," she said awkwardly.

"I'm sorry. I'll be off now."

I waved her a goodbye before jumping out of the window. It was a quick retreat, but I really didn't have the time, and I wanted to get some sleep. I had an inkling that sleep wouldn't be something I'd be afforded in the coming days.

I handed Taichi some tea and sat down beside him quietly. He sipped it for a little while before turning to glance at me. I would be leaving in an hour or so. My ﬁrst mission where dad wouldn't be around to say bye to me.

"You can leave things to me here. You don't have to worry," Taichi said, twisting his cup in his hand.

He sounded determined. That was good. It meant he hadn't lost his spirit. I was surprised by how resilient he was. Only nearly two weeks from his parent's murders and he had managed to pull himself relatively together. He still cried himself to sleep, but I knew I wouldn't have been this strong at his age. I was incredibly proud of him.

"I'm sorry I have to leave you now," I said honestly.

"It's ok."

I wanted to pull him into a hug, but when I reached out and saw my hands in my periphery, I was reminded of the blood stained by them. I pulled back and looked at the tea in my hands too. I'd be off to ROOT now, and I was scared, scared that they would so entirely destroy me. I felt for Kusari, because I knew it was so unfair that he had to live in there while I got to go back home. Nowhere was safe though, not anymore. I stopped myself from itching my throat and forced myself to breathe.

"Mebuki-san will be around by 9," I said.

"Yeah."

The conversations were stilted and slow. I got up and moved silently to my room to pack for the trip. I pulled out dad's omamori and put it in my drawer. I didn't want to lose it, not to ROOT, who didn't look too kindly on their agents having keep sakes. I took in a deep breath as I went through the motions and packed.

It was time to leave. I made my way down to the group. There were 10 people in total, all waiting with an unnatural amount of silence. When I entered the fold, their attentions turned to me, and even through the apathetic aura I could sense hints of irritation and disapproval directed my way.

They were all adults. They still didn't have the scent of death and cold steel on them. The only reason I could see why I was being taken with them was because Danzo had ﬁnally realised his brainwashing and conditioning methods for children weren't working on me. I knew logically that adults also joined ROOT, although it was more a willing exchange than with children, but to see it was to be reminded of the fact that, to many, Danzo was a true leader in their eyes. They agreed with his vision for Konoha.

It was a worrisome thought. Dismantling ROOT would not truly dismantle its ideas. Even if Danzo was killed, and the seals nulliﬁed, what then... There would be an in-deﬁnitive amount of hostile Shinobi within Konoha's walls, having been grown and raised in absolute service of one man. It was a security risk of unexpected proportions. It was no wonder why Shikaku hadn't taken incriminating evidence to the Hokage. Was he also towing a fine line between insubordination and treason? Then there was the question of whether Sarutobi would even stop Danzo if he knew about the child program. Was he willing to turn a blind eye during the war to save more lives?

The doubt, and the hopelessness that fared with my position was enough to cripple a person, but I didn't have the privilege of falling into despair. When we left the village walls and travelled silently into the forest, it was almost like I was travelling straight towards my own personal hell.

In all my travels outside of the village before I had Gaku's comforting presence behind me, and Yama at my side to cheer me up. I didn't have that now, and when I glanced to my side, Gaku wasn't there. There was no comfort to be had in this group. I had to stop depending on others so much now. Gaku wouldn't be around, and no one was going to be there but me. In the end I would have to pull myself out of the hole I had dug myself.

"We'll set camp here for tonight."

We all went to work. Then shifts happened as per normal routine and we continued our journey again. We weren't travelling to the post and I knew that. Instead we continued on in a different, more ambiguous direction. It was the fourth day of travel when my senses alerted me to incoming hostiles.

"Duck!" I heard someone shout.

A kunai ﬂew past my face, and I ﬂourished out my palms to deﬂect a line of shuriken. A few Shinobi behind me were hit, but most managed to get out of the way. We were surrounded on all sides by cloaked ﬁgures with plain porcelain masks, none of the usual markings to identify them from any speciﬁc village.

It was impossible to do much as they dropped down on us from all sides. I ducked and rolled, but I was caught by my collar before being thrown into a tree. I struggled to get up, but I was too slow as a hand cracked the back of my head and I saw darkness.

It was disorienting, and terrifying, waking up to the feeling of a heavy cloth on your face, your body bound to some metal object, and the cold frigid air touching every part of your skin making you hyper-aware of your nakedness. The panic set in like a cold hard stone weighing heavy in my gut, and my throat felt dry enough to itch. For a brief moment, I wondered if this was how all of Orochimaru's experiments felt, and suddenly I could understand their fear more clearly.

The panic died down after a few minutes of calming myself down. This had to be some kind of ROOT exercise. Maybe something to disorient their targets before beginning some form of gruelling and cruel training. I took several deep breaths before I noted 2 chakra signatures come my way. My knee jerk reaction was to demand answers, but I stopped myself before I could speak. I doubted they would respond to me. I was wrong of course.

"Tell me where it is!"

The shout was abrupt and coldly demanding. I ﬂinched away slightly before forcing myself to still. What was going on? Why would they be asking me for something?

"Wha-"

"Tell me!"

I heard the sound of water coming my way and made a noise of distress when it drenched my face, making the cloth tight and heavy around my skin. They screamed something out again before throwing in a thicker towel over me and repeating the process. I could feel the trickle of water go down my nostrils and even through my panic I ﬁgured out what was happening.

Waterboarding?

It was all I could really think clearly about before I was forced to exhale and inhale. The inhalation brought the damp cloth tight against my nostrils, as if a huge, wet paw had been suddenly and indomitably clamped over my face. I was unable to determine whether I was breathing in or out and was ﬂooded more with sheer panic than with mere water.

"Where is it?!"

"I-I don't know!"

The previous few breaths I had managed to gain was lost in one panicked sentence. What was—what was going on? I felt my body become disoriented, my thoughts fuzzy and all I could think of was how hard it was to breathe. Every gasp was painful and impossible, and I could feel my chest rise tightly against its bounds.

I couldn't breath

I was drowning! I was drowning and powerless. Without my breathing I couldn't break through my bounds, couldn't call up my chakra boost to break free. I was helpless and drowning. This continued on until my panic escalated and I was openly crying and struggling. Stop. Stop. Stop.

"Pl-aase noo"

To my surprise they did stop. I gasped and coughed, spitting out water as they pulled the wet cloth and mask off my face. I could breathe. Once my vision cleared from the blur it was, I managed to sit up, my straps being unbuckled. I took a moment to look around and found that I was in a nondescript metal box like room, with only a singular light above and a table in the middle. The masked ﬁgures who had caught our group were the ones who tortured me.

I was tortured.

I had no idea what to do with that information. In a way I had become mildly desensitized to it. I was still deathly afraid, and even now the panic from the drowning before had my limbs shaking and my breathing ragged, but I wasn't unused to this feeling of terror. Orochimaru had burnt me alive in a genjutsu, but I had always rationalised that it was different. He was hurting me for the sake of hurting me, or as punishment, and it was a genjutsu so I could pretend it wasn't really torture. I couldn't rationalise this as much, not when I couldn't breathe.

I felt numb again, and it was worrying. I should feel something. Maybe I should be crying or looking for a way to escape but it hadn't even crossed my mind. I had enough awareness to keep my senses keen. It was why I caught the quiet exchange between the two masked ﬁgures.

"Disassociation as a coping mechanism. Keep note of it for future trials."

The other noted it down and suddenly it made sense. When I had killed my parents, during the funeral, whenever I was beyond terriﬁed, the numbness that would creep up my spine and to my mind made me feel like a stranger in my own skin. I looked down at my shaking hands, then at my trembling naked body, and I knew I should be hyperventilating right now, but I wasn't. It was with an odd sort of detachment that I took my situation in. Right now I knew I should be panicking about my own mental state, but even that was hard to manage. Instead I followed them silently and compliantly out into a room full of equally terriﬁed people. I recognised them as the group I was with.

"Utsuro, get changed."

I blinked at the name and was only mildly relieved to have it conﬁrmed that this was in fact ROOT and not some enemy Shinobi. As bad as ROOT would treat us, I had no doubt they would be more merciful than an actual enemy TI department.

I grabbed the ROOT uniform I was given and quickly put it on, eager to be rid of my nakedness. It didn't really matter though, no one was really looking at me in any kind of uncomfortable way. The others in the group who were coming in were naked too and sporting varying levels of trauma on their faces. One woman was crying, her body shaking like a leaf in the wind, and another man was staring wide eyed at the ceiling, while another man was simply standing by with an irritated scowl on his face. I was shaking, quiet and shaking.

I reluctantly strapped on my tanto and felt its weight on my back. What was the point of it again? I knew the Wind Blade technique now. My mind ﬂashed inopportunely to the memory of me driving the wind blade through Yua's chest. I shook my hands and grunted in disgust before taking my place among the rest of the ROOT agents. We were going to go through ANBU level exercises. This was special force level content I wasn't so sure I could handle. I didn't have nearly enough experience or enough will to get through that kind of mental and physically taxing work. I was a hard worker, but that wasn't enough for something of this level.

"Attention! Everyone ﬁle into the exam room!"

We all silently made our way into a bright room, the tables all the uncomfortable metal kind. There was a singular pencil and eraser on each desk with a thick pile of paper. We were all told to sit, and we did. Without any real explanation a man exclaimed "exam start" before the clock on the board timed down from an hour.

I quickly scrambled to start the test and wondered why they had done it so soon after our torture. We hadn't even had the time to take a moment to think. I hastily began looking through the paper. It was always a good idea to scan through the whole paper to get an idea before starting, that way you wouldn't be caught unawares. Unfortunately, this was no normal test. The questions ranged from Academy level to things I didn't think I even had the clearance to learn.

The woman who had been crying was grabbed and taken out of the room. I didn't want to ﬁnd out what happened to her, so I continued my paper. It was annoying, having to stretch my back forward to even reach the table properly. These seats weren't made for children. Eventually I decided to try my luck and stand to do the test. Thankfully, no one thought to do anything about it, although I got one odd glance from a rarely calm participant.

I got through most of the paper until the tense hour was done, during which only 3 people were taken out. I slumped in my seat for a rare moment of relief when they came to collect the papers.

Just like before we were ﬁled down to the next room by short barked orders. We were taken into a larger room this time, with what looked like a dark pool in the middle and a track around it with obstacles on one end. A few masked ﬁgures threw us heavy bags before explaining the course.

"You will do 5 laps around this course before wading the water for 30 minutes. Do not take those bags off!"

The bag was incredibly heavy. I stumbled a bit when it was put on me. A man to my side gave me a look of pity which just made me stand a little straighter in response. Then we began running, and I found myself easily at the back of the course. I was lagging behind. The adults all had fully developed chakra coils and the men especially had stronger bodies. I was struggling to even keep up, the only thing going for me, being my stamina. I ﬁnished the track and obstacle course with diﬃculty. It was the water that was hard to complete. Suddenly the bag, my clothes, and my tanto seemed like a stone trying to drag me down. I was struggling to even stay aﬂoat, and so were several others. I managed to pass it through sheer will.

I hissed in relief when the whistle signalled the end of the session. We all swam out eagerly, slumping on the ground, wet and shivering.

"Stand and repeat!"

What?

I stood up slowly, ignoring the pain in my legs as we all ambled around the track, gripping our bags tiredly. Then we began again, this time stumbling a little more through the course. I paled when I ﬁnished it and looked at the dark pool of water. I reluctantly got in with the others who were already in and did my best to not drown again.

This repeated another ﬁve times until none of us could even stand to move a muscle. I found myself out by the fourth round. My bag was unclipped, and I was shakily taken out of the room and into another with the rest of the exhausted agents. They were being given bars. I took mine gratefully and practically ripped into it and was incredibly disappointed when more wasn't given. I was still hungry, and all that training had made me ravenous.

Then as the last few men trickled in, we were given orders to follow. I struggled to move my dead limbs, and so did the others, as we were taken into a plain room with nothing in it. I thought it was odd that they didn't say anything this time, just dropped us in, turned off the lights and left. I thankfully didn't need to see to move around and so I found a nice corner to keep watch for anything odd.

For hours nothing happened. Whispers of confusion began to break out, but we all remained vigilant. I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and closed them, making sure the rest of my senses were mildly alert in case of anything. And just as I closed my eyes, I woke up to blinding light and alarm bells drilling into my ears.

"Get up! Sleep is over!"

That was meant to be sleep time? I cursed silently at myself for not getting rest as we were taken in for the next day of training.

Time seemed to lose meaning in this hellscape. Every day was a new physically and mentally draining challenge. Our bodies felt like led, and we could barely even think, let alone have the energy to cry anymore. Every single bit of our efforts, thoughts, and cognitive functions, spent their precious energy on simply completing the task at hand. No one had the energy to do much else.

I had never wanted to die so bad. I didn't think I'd slept more than 4 hours every day, and piling it up like we had been doing, was making me delirious. There wasn't enough food and my stomach was contracting painfully, screaming at me to give it more. What little break we did have was marred with paranoia. Bath time was just all of us stripping together, regardless of gender, and being blasted with cold water. Those four hours of sleep had been the only break we were afforded and even that was destroyed on the 6th day when a kunai slammed into my right toe and I was jolted awake, disoriented and confused as to why I was being attacked on the only safe break we were given. Then we proceeded to spend that night dodging kunai and shuriken and being hit in non-lethal points of our bodies.

By the third week, when we were called for sparring, I couldn't even spare the energy to get up. Instead my mind shut down and I was taken in by darkness.

When I woke up, it was on a bed, not exactly the pinnacle of comfort, but a bed nonetheless, and after sleeping on the cold steel ﬂoor in cold temperatures for the past three weeks, this was practically heaven. I turned my head to see a few others in similar beds, a line of IV's hooked into their wrists. They had worked us so hard that we practically needed medical attention... how crazy were they?

I just shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I could sleep forever and possibly not be rested enough. To my ire, my ROOT name was called out and I wished I hadn't opened my eyes at all.

"Report to room 9 in 10 minutes."

And then the hell started all over again.

I'd nearly given up all hope of living. A few agents did, their eyes going blank and collapsing without uttering a word. They stared at the walls. Hollow. It made me repulsed in a way I had never been before. The idea that I could truly end up hollow. Danzo would win if I did. The idea of letting that fucker win was enough to drive me mad with rage. My name would become a self-fulﬁlling prophecy and I refused for that to be the case. Instead whenever I was afforded a moment to think I would list of the names of my loved ones. It didn't matter which world, just that I remembered them.

I thought this torture would never end, but it did. It ended and it ended like it started on the ﬁrst day.

We were stripped and tortured like we were before, although a bit more ruthlessly, then we sat another exam and went through the obstacle course. We were blasted with cold water and taken to our dark room to sleep, except there were no alarms in the morning, waking us up with disorienting bright lights and panicked sounds. They let us sleep in for a few more hours than usual and we were let out and given our normal clothes to change into. And then for the ﬁrst time in 2 months, we were taken outside to see the sun.

A/N

The torture/training tactics here are what's used in Navy Seals/SAS training and the like for special operatives (although it's entirely consensual for them). It's a desensitisation process. It's all hardcore stuff that's designed to wear you down as mentally and physically as possible to build you back up into something stronger.

Anyway, I'm kinda burning out with this story if I'm being honest. I originally wrote it to calm down because of Covid rendering me jobless, and as a twenty-year-old living out on my own and having to pay the bills and cut down on food because it's getting that bad, it's just a very daunting time for me. With all the money issues and really having no one to fall back on, I took to doing the two things that put me in a healthy mind space which was art and writing, but updating here has kind of become stressful in its own right. What was originally a fun project has turned into more stress. Because of that I won't really be responding to reviews anymore here. I'll dm your reviews privately if I get the time.

I'll also put up all the chapters I've written so far, because I love that a lot of you readers are so invested in this. And I appreciate all of you for reviewing and reading. Even if I don't continue writing you'll still get 45 chapters. Although maybe I will continue this if I'm in the right mind-space because I don't want to commit to something that I do as a hobby if it's just making me feel worse. Hope you understand.