AN: Trigger warning - anxiety, discussions of non-con
{ 52 }
{ Draco }
The day after Christmas, I woke up on the floor of the library, wrapped in a blanket. Hermione was not beside me. I saw her as soon as I rolled over, though. She is sitting at the table in the middle of the library. The same one we were at last night when we…well, never mind.
She is wearing the sweater I had on yesterday.
She has her journal open, and her hand is flying across the page. I love watching her draw, but it gives me a sense of trepidation. I can't help but wonder what her dreams have brought her this time.
She did not look up from the page as I pulled on my pants, nor as I crossed the distance to stand behind her. If she even knows I am awake, she has not shown it.
The picture on the page is a snake. It is very reminiscent of the Serpent in Ravenclaw's painting.
"Good morning." Her voice startled me.
"Good morning." I placed a quick kiss on her forehead. "Is that from the insignia? The Serpent?"
Her tongue darted out to lick her lips.
"I was going for your patronus, actually." She skimmed her fingers over the fresh graphite.
She turned the page and started drawing a new picture. Her talent amazes me. A few strokes across the page and forms started to appear. I watched as an image of her and I appeared before my very eyes. She is in front of me, our left hands joined together, our left arms side by side.
On her arm, the Phoenix, rising from the flames. On my arm, the Serpent, coiled, apparently ready to strike. A tear leaks from the eye of the Phoenix. Tears roll down the scales of the Serpent, to the wound on the Phoenix' chest.
I swallowed hard.
It is breathtaking.
Perfect.
"What do you think?" She asked quietly.
I can't take my eyes off of it.
"If you don't like it, that's fine." She pushed the book away and ran her hand through her hair. "The thought just popped in my mind last night, when you had your arm around me. I started imagining what it could look like."
I know she is waiting for a response from me. My mind cannot even comprehend how perfectly it fits together. How similar it is to the insignia that Ravenclaw designed.
That is when it hit me.
Ravenclaw did not design it at all. Hermione did.
"You don't have to cover it up at all, you know. It's perfectly fine the way it is." She reached for the book and started to close it.
I stopped her with my hand covering hers.
"It's bloody brilliant." I pulled it closer and examined it in more detail.
"It's permanent and believe me when I say that other people will not understand or appreciate it." She released a deep sigh.
"Fuck them."
She huffed out a short laugh.
"When can you do it? Now?"
"Uh…I will not be the one doing it. We'll let a professional do that." She stood from her chair and stretched her arms over her head. My sweater is too big for her. It could almost be a short dress.
"Is that what you are wearing today?" I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. I wouldn't complain, but Harry does not ever need to see that much of her legs.
She looked down at herself. Her cheeks blushed a delicious pink color.
"No. Of course not." She laughed. "I suppose I should clean up and get dressed."
We both should do that. A quick look at my new watch told me that Andromeda will be along in just about two hours.
[ - - - ]
The snow finally stopped falling and the sun came out. The bright sunlight on the sparkling fresh snow was nearly blinding. Regardless, Tristan, Harry and I spent several hours flying over the grounds.
The garden in the back opened up to what looked like a maze of shrubs, overgrown and covered in snow, but there nonetheless. Beyond that, there were stables, a guest house and a small lake.
The wards extended over the lake and the forest surrounding the castle. It's possible that the grounds are actually larger than those of Malfoy Manor.
Hermione and Andromeda stayed inside with Teddy. They toured the family and guest quarters and talked about…whatever witches talk about, I suppose.
When the sun started to set, we made our way back to the castle and landed in the garden. Tristan ran inside, searching for his Mother so he could be the first to tell her what all we had seen.
"Draco," Harry stopped me with a hand on my arm before I could follow my cousin inside. "I saw the ring on Hermione's finger."
I turned and glared at his hand before pulling my arm away roughly.
"What of it?" I took two steps back and crossed my arms over my chest defensively.
My actions have more to do with his offensive touch, and less to do with his actual words.
"Relax." He rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not going to object or anything."
He paced away from me to the edge of the stone landing, then back again.
"You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to her." He held his hand out. "Congratulations, Mate."
I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
"Thanks, Potter." My hand grasped his and he shook it soundly. "I know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me."
No doubts on that one.
Suddenly a cold chill ran down my spine. A warning tingle that something is not quite right. I paused halfway to the glass door.
My senses are on high alert. It took a moment, but I finally understood.
"Malfoy? What is it?"
The dark haired wizard had his wand in hand and was searching the growing shadows of the garden.
"Someone is at the front gate." I grasped the handle of my broom and was in the air before I even considered what I was doing.
Movement caught my eye. I turned to see Harry right beside me.
I flew around the perimeter of the castle to the front courtyard, then down the path to the front gate.
In the setting sun, I can see three figures standing outside the gate. They are wearing heavy cloaks over their robes.
"Are you certain this is the place?" The tallest man asked. His voice sounds familiar.
"Is that the Minister?" Harry asked. It is just dark enough that I can't make out their features, but that is who it sounded like.
"Of course. Give them a minute." That voice I recognize.
Professor Bones.
The third figure dropped the hood on his cloak.
"Fuck." I muttered to myself. My heart is beating so loud in my chest that I can feel it in my ears. "Potter, any ideas as to why the Minister of Magic, the head of the Aurors and my probation auror would be at my house unannounced?"
I have ideas. And none of them end well.
"Are you going to let them in?"
I licked my lips, forced a deep breath.
"Do I have a choice?" I swallowed hard.
I'm fairly certain the answer to that question is no.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I stepped forward through the wards. The gate remains closed between us. Lanterns flared to life, illuminating the group waiting in the cold.
"Minister Shacklebolt. To what do I owe this pleasure?" I nodded at the aurors and kept my wand easily within my grasp.
"Mr. Malfoy, my apologies for the unannounced visit. It seems my owl is not able to locate this property." He folded his hands in front of him and nodded once. "We have certain matters that we need to discuss with yourself and Miss Granger. I have been led to believe she is here as well. May we enter?"
My eyes scanned across the three visitors. How difficult would it be to impersonate them?
"Professor, the first time I cast a patronus in your class, what did you tell me about the form?"
Her lip tilted up on one side and she nodded approvingly.
"Very good, Mr. Malfoy. I told you that a Serpent patronus is extraordinarily rare."
I released a short sigh. Unfortunately, I don't have many experiences with the other two men.
"Minister." Harry cleared his throat as he stepped through the wards behind me. "After the war, you came to me and asked me a question. What was the question?"
"Mr. Potter. I was not expecting you to be here, as well." He paused for a moment before continuing. "I came to you after the war because I was looking for Miss Granger. I asked you if you knew where I could find her."
I turned to Harry and waited for him to nod in confirmation.
Why the hell was Shacklebolt looking for Hermione after the war?
That question will need to wait until a later time. Reluctantly, I opened the gate and allowed the uninvited guests to enter.
Discreetly, I took my coin out of my pocket and tapped it with my wand.
'We have guests. Shacklebolt. Bones. Robards.'
By the time we walked through the snow to the front door of the castle, Hermione was already standing there. She had lit the torches around the fountain and the sconces to either side of the door.
Her eyes met mine. I can see the question there, but I have no answer.
"Miss Granger, how are you feeling?" The Minister asked as he walked up the steps to the front door.
"Minister. I am good. Thank you for asking." She stepped back quickly as he neared her. Her voice is tense. "Can I offer you some tea?"
She led them to the formal dining room. There is already a pot of tea and several cups sitting on the table. Once everyone was settled at the table with a cup of hot tea in front of them, silence settled over the room.
I cleared my throat.
"Feel free to start whenever you are ready, Minister."
Hermione is sitting beside me. Her hand is clasped tightly around my own. Harry is sitting on the other side of her.
Bones is directly across from me, then Shacklebolt and Robards.
"Very well." He leaned forward in his seat and clasped his hands together on the table. "We have had a chance to fully review the books from your father's study."
I inhaled deeply and released it slowly.
"And?" I asked skeptically.
"Did you read them, Mr. Malfoy?"
A cold chill ran down my spine.
"Draco, please. I intend to change my surname to Black as soon as I can." I lifted my cup to my lips and took a sip. "I skimmed through them. I did not read them word for word."
"The information contained in those books will have far reaching consequences. Purebloods. Ministry officials. Professors."
"Draco," Robards tapped his fingers on the table. "When all is said and done, you will have single-handedly brought down the biggest crime syndicate known to the Wizarding World."
I swallowed hard.
Wasn't that the whole point?
"I didn't do it alone." It takes more than one person to start a revolution, right?
"Which brings us to why we are here." Bones spoke up. "Many of the people implicated in those books have children that attend Hogwarts."
"I don't know if you have been reading the Daily Prophet since the trial." Robards stated. "Suffice to say, the events of that trial are known far and wide."
I held my breath for a moment, waiting for whatever is next.
"We do not feel it is safe for you to return to Hogwarts. Either of you." Bones leaned forward. "It is far too dangerous."
Hermione laughed. Not a slight chuckle, a full on laugh, like she had just heard the funniest joke in the world.
My lip lifted up in a smirk and I relaxed back in my seat.
"I'm sorry." She took a moment to compose herself. "It's just, Hogwarts has never been safe, has it? I've nearly died there every single year. Sometimes on more than one occasion."
Our three guests stared at her for a long moment.
"This is a credible threat, Miss Granger." Shacklebolt intoned. "We intend to take it very seriously."
"What, exactly, do you intend to do about it, Minister?" Hermione leaned forward and tapped her fingernails on the table in a bored manner. "I have begged McGonagall for the past six months to let me take my NEWTs without returning to Hogwarts. She refused. And now we are working on a project for the school that is extraordinarily important, I should think. As much as I would love to just never go back, that is not an option."
She isn't wrong.
"We knew the risks going into that courtroom, Minister." I made eye contact with the man and held his gaze for several heartbeats. He needs to know that I knew enough of what was in those books to know what the implications and fallout would be.
"Very well." He nodded after a moment. "In that case, we need to discuss your protection whilst at Hogwarts."
"You will each be assigned an auror for twenty-four hour protection." The Head Auror told us. "You will be moved out of your dorms to a secure location."
Harry coughed into his hand.
Bones ducked her head to hide her smirk.
My eyes darted to Hermione's. I know she is thinking the same thing as I.
We already have an extremely secure location, thank you very much.
"I understand you have already been taken out of classes. That's good. You will not go anywhere in the castle without your assigned auror present."
"Anywhere?" Hermione raised her brow.
"Anywhere outside of your assigned living quarters." Robards clarified.
He pulled an envelope from his robes and removed two pieces of paper.
"The aurors that have been assigned to you are two of my best. Oliver Wood and Sean MacMillan." He slid the papers across the table.
"MacMillan? I don't fucking think so." I picked the paper up off the table and looked at the man that had to be Ernie's brother.
"Language, Mr. Malfoy." Bones pinched her lips together in displeasure.
"A week ago, his brother cornered Hermione in a hallway and threatened both of us." I crumbled the paper and threw it towards the fire. "Find someone else."
"Hermione? Is that true?" Bones asked.
Hermione's eyes narrowed and she tilted her head to one side. Her arms folded over her chest defensively. She glared at Bones first, then at me.
What? Was that supposed to be a secret or something?
"Yes, it's true." She answered Bones first, then returned her glare to me once again. "Is that your only objection to this plan?"
I raised my brow and waited for her to continue. I quite like the idea of her having around the clock protection, actually.
She huffed a sigh and rolled her eyes, then she turned to Bones.
"Professor?" She was looking to her for help, for understanding.
"Hermione, the Ministry has already received threats. You need to have protection."
She released a deep sigh and ran her hand over her face.
"Harry?" She implored her best friend to be a voice of reason.
He shook his head slowly from side to side.
"Hermione…"
He is not going to be on her side either.
She needs protection. More than I can give her.
Suddenly, she pushed her chair away from the table and stood. Both hands planted firmly on the table. Her gaze locked solely on the Minister.
"I can take care of myself." There is anger in her voice, and something else. "I do not want, nor do I need, a man following me through the halls of Hogwarts. I don't give a fuck if he is an auror. Find a different plan."
She had already stormed out of the room before her words registered meaning.
"Fucking hell." My heart stopped in my chest. How in the fuck did I miss that?
"Oh, Gods." Bones sank back in her chair. "I didn't even think…"
Bloody brilliant.
"What was that all about?" Robards asked.
"None of your damn business." I glared at the table, angry with myself for forgetting something so absolutely crucial.
A man followed her through the halls of Hogwarts once. He viciously attacked her. He raped her. He broke her.
Go check on her, dumbass.
Right. I should do that.
I ran my hand through my hair in frustration, released a deep sigh and followed her out of the room.
[ - - - ]
I found her by the fountain, just standing there, staring at the flowing water.
"Do they know?" She gripped her hands into tight fists by her sides. She didn't even turn to look at me.
I stopped two steps behind her.
"I didn't tell them."
"Harry?" She still didn't turn around, but she did cross her arms over her chest.
"Only if he wants his arse kicked." I huffed. I took one step closer. "Hermione…"
Gods. I don't know what to say to her. How do you apologize for something like that?
How will she ever forgive me?
"Don't." She shook her head to herself. "I know. I'm being ridiculous."
"What? No. No you are not." I took another step and placed my hands on her shoulders. "I didn't consider that you would be alone with the auror. I should have thought of that."
I can't be with her all the time, as much as I would like to be.
"Maybe...with these threats…maybe McGonagall won't make me go back there at all." She turned to face me. The hopefulness in her eyes sent a pain right through my heart.
I don't want to imagine returning to Hogwarts without her. Am I selfish enough to ask her to go just for me?
I swallowed hard. Because the answer is yes. Of course I am.
"I don't have a choice." I won't ask her to come with me, but she needs to know that I cannot stay here with her. "My probation is clear. I have to attend Hogwarts until graduation, or serve my sentence in Azkaban."
She closed her eyes and released a deep sigh.
I couldn't resist any longer. I wrapped my arms around her and held her against my chest. She gripped my shirt tightly and forced herself to take several deep breaths.
"I couldn't live with myself if something happens to you." I held her a little tighter for several heartbeats.
"And what about you?" She pulled back just enough and her eyes searched mine. "I am not the only one being threatened, you know."
"I know." I do. "We both knew this was going to happen. I was not exactly planning on Ministry intervention, but I am not going to turn it down, either. Not if it will help protect you."
She closed her eyes and released a deep sigh. A tear leaked out of the corner of her eye.
"Damn it, Malfoy." She dropped her head forward to rest against my chest.
Something inside me relaxed. She only calls me Malfoy when she is annoyed with me. And she only gets annoyed with me when she knows I am right.
"What about Wood? He was in Gryffindor, wasn't he?"
She inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly two or three times. Then she stepped back and wiped the moisture from her eyes.
"He was. Several years ahead of us." She pushed her hair back and scrubbed her hand over her face. "Harry knew him from quidditch."
That's right. I remember him now.
"Should we ask for someone else?"
She sat down on the edge of the fountain and dropped her head into her hands.
"No. I don't know. Maybe."
Brilliant. Cleared that right up, didn't she?
Our guests are still in the dining room, waiting for our return. We should go back inside.
"It is entirely up to you, Love." I sat beside her with my arm over her shoulders. "You can choose which aurors you want on your protection detail."
"Which auror, you mean." She slid her arm around my waist and leaned her head against my chest. "One of them is your protection detail."
Technically, perhaps.
"You can choose both." It won't matter. Any auror assigned to me is going to hate me.
It's true. They will want to see me in Azkaban as much as anyone else. Hell, their job is to put people like me away, not to protect us.
She stood up quickly, turned towards me with her arms crossed over her chest and her hip popped out to one side.
"If I have to do this, you have to do it too. You need the extra protection, too." Fresh tears are shining in her eyes and I can hear the anxiety in her voice. "I can't live in this world without you."
This must be how she felt. I don't trust any auror out there to protect me. But if it will give her some kind of peace of mind, I will allow it.
"Brilliant. It's settled, then." I let my lip tilt up in a smirk. "We'll both accept auror protection."
She rolled her eyes to the ceiling and released a long suffering sigh.
"Fine." She wiped her eyes and ignored the smug look on my face. "I suppose we should let Auror Robards know."
We returned to the dining room to find Robards and Bones listing off possible aurors to replace MacMillan.
Harry started to apologize, but Hermione cut him off.
She cleared her throat as she stood behind the chair she had been sitting in. Her hands gripped the wood frame tightly.
"Minister, Auror Robards, I apologize for my outburst. As you may imagine, this is quite difficult for me." Her eyes darted to Bones for a brief moment. Then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Nearly two years ago now…"
"Hermione," I put my hand on her wrist. "You do not need to explain."
She turned to me with a look of determination on her face.
"Yes, I do."
Stubborn fucking witch. The last time she talked about it she had a panic attack so bad that she passed out. Remember that? Apparently she has forgotten all about it.
I released her wrist and stepped back, motioning her to continue. I also made sure to stand behind her. So, if she does pass out again, I can catch her when she falls.
"A man attacked me in a darkened corridor."
I watched the Minister's eyes widened in surprise.
"He dragged me into a bathroom." Her hands started shaking. Her eyes glassed over.
Harry dropped his head to his hands.
Bones pursed her lips and waited.
We know what is coming next. It doesn't get any easier to hear. And it doesn't get any easier for her to say.
"Hermione." I pleaded with her to stop. She doesn't need to say the rest of it.
They've got the gist of it, I'm sure.
"He raped me." Her words were barely louder than a whisper, but everyone heard her.
I don't know if she is that brave, or if she just forces herself to keep going despite knowing the pain it could inflict.
Anxiety stabbed through my chest. Because I can say the same thing, can't I? But I won't. Because I am a coward. I'm not brave like she is.
My eyes darted around the room. No one is looking at me. That's good. I can pull myself together before anyone notices.
Except her words are still ringing in my ears.
He raped me.
My hand rose to cover my chest. I can't fucking breathe.
How can she just say it like that? Like it wasn't life altering and horrific and humiliating.
Terrifying.
Dehumanizing.
Brutal.
I heard myself gasp, trying to draw air into my lungs.
Get the fuck out of here.
"Draco?" I heard Hermione say my name, but it sounded distant, like there is a waterfall between us.
I tried to focus on her, but my thoughts are spiraling out of control.
I tightened my hand into a fist.
"Breathe, Draco."
I forced a breath. I cannot have an anxiety attack right now. Not in front of the fucking Minister of Magic and the head of the bloody auror department.
At this point, I am not sure I can stop it. My vision is fading to black on the edges.
"Malfoy?"
Potter. He started to move towards me.
"No! Harry, don't!" Hermione stepped between him and me.
I stumbled backwards, as far back as I could until I hit the wall. There, I sank to the floor.
"Everyone out." Hermione commanded. "Now. Go."
I brought my knees to my chest and covered my head with both arms.
This cannot be happening.
"Miss Granger?"
"Harry, seriously, get everyone out of here."
For several moments all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my chest and my ragged breaths as I tried to force air into my lungs.
"They are gone, Draco. It's just you and me." She sat beside me. Her voice soothes me.
She is still here with me. She is alright. I am alright. What happened is in the past.
Images from that night are still there, still fresh in my mind. It's a nightmare I worry I will never wake up from.
Gods. This is a nightmare I will never wake up from.
I sat and I listened to her voice. It seemed like hours before I could breathe again. Before I lifted my head and opened my eyes.
She is still talking, rambling on about Salazar knows what.
Wait. What is she talking about? For the first time, I paid attention to what she was saying instead of simply the sound of her voice.
It sounds like she is talking about arithmancy formulas.
I listened for a few moments longer. She is talking about arithmancy formulas. She may as well be teaching Vector's lesson.
I didn't stop her. I leaned my head back against the wall, closed my eyes, and listened to her explain how to solve a system of equations using a matrix method.
[ - - - ]
{ Hermione }
At some point during my recitation of arithmancy notes, Draco fell asleep.
I shifted positions and put my arm over his shoulder. He leaned into me and settled his hand on my stomach.
Now that his anxiety has passed, I feel a bone-deep exhaustion settle over me.
That could have possibly been the worst anxiety attack I have ever seen out of him.
I don't quite understand why. What set it off?
He was fine in the courtyard. He was calm. We came inside and I started explaining to the Minister why, telling him what had happened to me.
Draco asked me to stop. Twice.
And I ignored him. I kept going.
I did this. I caused it, by talking about what happened to me.
My mind started spinning. We don't talk about it often. A handful of times, that's all.
After the Final Battle.
A few months ago, when I inadvertently told him it happened when he let Death Eaters into the castle.
He had an anxiety attack that day. He felt responsible.
My stomach rolled.
The day after the Halloween Ball. I insisted on telling Harry and Ron. He didn't want to be there. But he was. Because I asked him to be.
I had an anxiety attack so bad that I passed out.
"I thought Malfoy was going to pass out beside you." Harry had said.
Oh, Gods!
"All those things you told them, they happened to me, too!"
I may actually be sick.
All this time, he has been there for me, standing by my side.
And me? I have dragged him right into his own personal nightmares.
And I have been too selfish to even realize I was doing it.
I don't know how long I held him like that, crying silent tears, before I drifted off to sleep beside him.
The next time I opened my eyes it was dark and there was a chill in the air.
My head is pounding.
My heart hurts.
And Draco is gone.
[ - - - ]
{ Draco }
I woke slowly. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me. I tried to stretch out, change positions.
I am not in a bed.
I opened my eyes and focused in the dark room.
Why in the fuck am I on the floor in the dining room?
It took a minute or two before I remembered what had happened.
I had an anxiety attack. In front of very important people. And Potter.
Fucking perfect.
I sat up slowly, untangling myself from Hermione's grasp. She curled herself into a ball, using her arm as a pillow.
I scrubbed my hand over my face. It's nearly midnight. I should wake her so we can go upstairs to bed.
I should.
As soon as she wakes up, she will want to talk. The absolute last thing that I want to do right now is talk.
What I want is a hot shower and a healthy glass of firewhiskey.
My cloak is still hanging by the door. I summoned it and laid it over the sleeping witch next to me. Then I left the dining room.
The castle is silent as I move through from room to room. The lights in the kitchen flared to life when I stepped through the door.
We haven't stocked up yet. The cupboards are still bare. There are a few bottles of butterbeer in the ice box, though. I grabbed one and kept moving through to the family room.
I took a swig from the bottle and nearly spit it right back out.
Harry fucking Potter is sitting on a chair in front of the fire.
He looked up from the book he had been reading. He looked almost as surprised to see me as I was to see him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I distinctly remember Hermione telling them all to get out.
"Have a seat, Malfoy." He motioned towards the chair next to him.
Not exactly an answer to my question.
"Hermione told you to leave hours ago." Despite that, I sat and took a long drink.
"We are supposed to look out for each other, right?" He shrugged his shoulder, as though that justified him ignoring her order.
I don't have it in me to argue the point with him right now.
"Did everyone else leave?"
Should I expect to encounter anyone else that is not supposed to be here?
"They left ages ago. Professor Bones is going to stop by tomorrow."
Brilliant. Fucking perfect.
I released a deep sigh and scrubbed my hand over my face.
"You can go home." I took another drink and stared into the fire.
"I can't, actually. Andromeda locks up at ten o'clock."
"I'd offer you a room, but none of them have beds in them." I honestly never thought I would be offering Harry Potter a room in my house.
"That would be great, Malfoy. Thanks. I'll just get my cot and blanket out of Hermione's bag."
Even though that was settled, neither one of us moved. I took another drink and finished the bottle. I waited a few minutes before I returned to the kitchen and got another bottle. In fact, I got two.
I returned to the family room and handed one bottle to Harry and opened the other.
We were sitting there, watching the fire burn, when I heard the door open behind me. We both turned our heads to see Hermione standing there.
She looks like hell.
Her hair is matted to one side. Her eyes are rimmed in red. Her face is pale. She has her arms crossed over her chest.
She looked from me to Harry. Her eyes crinkled and she rubbed her temple.
"Which part of 'get out' did you not understand?"
My lip tilted up in a small smirk.
"The part where you actually expected me to get out, obviously." He rolled his eyes and took a drink.
She did not look amused. Rather than argue with him, she placed her bag on the table and opened it.
Without another word, she started taking items out of the bag. A cot. A sleeping bag. A bag of toiletries. A pair of men's pajamas.
"The guest rooms are not cleaned yet." She explained as she extracted the items. "They are at the top of the main staircase. Take whichever room you want."
She closed the bag and slung it over her shoulder.
"I'm going to bed." Her eyes darted to mine and away very quickly.
If I hadn't been looking I would have missed the sad shadow lurking in her hazel depths.
Something is wrong.
Without a second glance, she left the room.
I finished off my bottle, closed and locked down the floo, and followed her upstairs.
[ - - - ]
She is standing on the balcony, smoking a cigarette and staring out over the gardens.
I stood in the doorway and watched her for several heartbeats. She finished the cigarette. Then she wiped at her eyes and put her head in her hands.
Is she crying?
My feet started moving before I decided to go to her.
The air on the balcony is cold despite the warming charms she has in place.
She seemed to tense when she heard me open the door.
Odd.
"Hermione?" I asked quietly.
She took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly.
I am starting to get worried. This is more than residual anxiety. She is well and truly upset.
Why?
I took a tentative step closer.
"I am so sorry, Draco." She turned to face me. Tears are falling from her eyes.
What the hell is she sorry for?
"Why?" My mind is reeling. Did I miss something? Did something happen whilst I was fighting my anxiety?
I was aware the whole time, right? Not fully functional, perhaps, but I heard every word she said. At least, until I fell asleep.
She crinkled her brow and tilted her head to one side.
"What do you mean, why? For not listening to you, obviously." She crossed her arms over her chest and folded in on herself.
I raised my brow and waited for her to continue, because honestly, that did not answer the question.
"You asked me to stop twice, and I just kept going. I didn't realize…" She dropped her head back and squeezed her eyes closed. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I should have, but I didn't."
I do not understand what she is trying to say. Not even a little bit.
"I should have just listened to you." She wiped at her eyes, but her tears are starting to fall faster. "I thought…I thought you were trying to protect me from myself. I didn't understand what you were telling me."
She is nearly sobbing now. It's difficult to make out her words, and I am still unsure that I understand their meaning.
"I don't know what is happening right now." I ran my hand through my hair and sighed in frustration. I honestly just want a shower and some sleep. I would prefer to do both with my witch in my arms. "What should you have listened to me about?"
She stared at me. She blinked several times and wiped tears from her face.
"Are you serious?" Her eyes searched mine. Then, as though a piece of a puzzle fell into place, her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hand and muttered, "Oh, Gods."
She shook her head slowly back and forth and started pacing from one end of the balcony to the other.
"Hermione, I have no idea what you are on about, but I am bloody exhausted. Whatever is going on inside that brain of yours, it can wait until tomorrow. I am going to take a shower. Feel free to join me if you would like."
She stopped pacing and turned to look at me.
"Remember when we were in the forest and the wards pulsed and we both fell. You landed on top of me, right?"
I groaned to myself. She isn't going to let it drop, is she?
Of course not.
"Of course I remember." I rolled my eyes and ran my hand through my hair. Hopefully she will get to her point quickly.
"You told me that we found my boundary. That invisible line that we cannot cross. Not yet, anyway."
I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. I swear to Salazar, if she is doing this because she wants to try to cross that boundary, I will not be happy.
"My boundary is physical." She covered the distance between us. Her eyes searched mine for a moment, still expecting me to understand what she is trying to say. She cleared her throat. "Draco, we found your boundary today."
My breath caught in my throat.
"I found your boundary. Hell, I trampled all over it." She released a deep sigh and pushed her hair back behind her ears. "You told me to stop, but I thought you were trying to look out for me, protect me. I didn't know you were trying to push me back away from that boundary."
She blinked several times and wiped at her eyes.
"I was trying to protect you." I scowled at her. She has lost the plot. "The last time you told someone what happened, you had an attack so bad that you passed out. I didn't want to see that happen again."
I raised my voice. Damn it, I did not want to have this conversation tonight.
She crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes closed and she inhaled deeply.
"That is true." She searched my eyes. She wants me to understand. "You had an anxiety attack that day, too. Not as bad as mine, but still."
What in the actual fuck? Is she even listening to herself?
"You stopped breathing." I curled my hand into a fist. I am done with this conversation.
"Damn it, Draco!" She ran her hands through her hair and pulled on the ends. "Will you stop arguing with me and just listen for a minute?"
I pinched the bridge of my nose. There is a dull ache behind my eyes.
Wait. Did she just call me Draco instead of Malfoy?
I took a deep breath.
Fine. She wants me to listen. I can do that.
"You have been so careful to protect me from the repercussions of what has happened to me. But Draco, I am not the only one that had bad things happen to them."
I swallowed hard. She isn't wrong. I just prefer to not think about them. Or talk about them. Or acknowledge that they ever happened.
"This is me, protecting you from the repercussions of the bad things that happened to you." She leaned against the railing and waited for me to contradict her.
"How do you plan on doing that?" I asked after a long moment. My voice is quieter now. Still hard, clipped, but I am no longer yelling at her.
"By recognizing that while my boundary is physical, yours is not." Her voice is just as hard as mine. She is as angry with me right now as I am angry with her.
"That's ridiculous." I rolled my eyes.
What is she trying to say? That my boundary exists in my mind? Certain thoughts or phrases can set it off?
Like listening to her announce to the Minister that she was raped.
Or listening to her tell her friends what had happened?
Anxiety stabbed through my heart.
Fucking hell.
My mind started spinning. We don't talk about it often. Were there other times?
The night I found out when it happened.
That's when I discovered that I was responsible for what happened to her.
Yes, I had an attack that night.
"It could just be coincidence." Even as I said the words, I doubted them.
"It's not a coincidence."
Of course she is right. She is always fucking right.
"Alright. Let's say you are right. My boundary is listening to you talk about it." My hand curled into a fist at my side. "Good to know. Easy to avoid. Are we done here?"
I am being an arse right now. I know it. She knows it.
She is still crying.
"Yes. I think we are." Her shoulders sagged. She turned and leaned her elbows against the railing, facing the gardens.
I should comfort her. Assure her that it's okay.
Except, it's not okay. Nothing is okay.
I am not okay.
I stood and watched her for a moment.
"Go take your shower, Draco." She sounds so defeated.
Fucking hell.
An apology on my part is probably warranted.
I opened my mouth to say something. Anything.
Nothing came out.
What the fuck am I supposed to say?
I released a deep sigh and ran my hand through my hair.
All I want to do is hold her and forget.
I crossed the balcony and stood behind her. She tensed when my hands settled on her waist.
"Hermione, I don't know what you want me to say." I dropped my head to lean against hers, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't have the mental capacity to figure it out right now."
She turned around, slid her arms around my waist and laid her head against my chest.
She is crying again. Or still. I don't know which.
I spread my hands across her back and held her whilst she cried. I don't even know why she is crying. Take your pick, I guess. She has enough reason to, that's for sure.
The longer I held her, the more I thought about what the Minister and Auror Robards had told us. About my anxiety attack. About Hermione's theory.
If she is right, I had that attack because she insisted on telling them about her assault.
That's what she meant. That's why she is so upset. She feels responsible.
"It wasn't your fault." I whispered in her ear.
Her tears broke into full blown sobs. She didn't try to reign them in. As I held her, I let go of the tenuous grip I keep on my own emotions. My tears mixed with hers as we stood wrapped around each on the balcony.
I don't know how long we stayed there. Eventually, we went inside and laid side by side on our makeshift bed. I don't have the energy to take a shower. I barely have the energy to hold her in my arms.
My tears dried up before hers did. I swear, I don't know how she has so many tears.
I held her until she finally drifted off to sleep. Only then did I allow myself to close my eyes and drift off as well.
[ - - - ]
AN: Initially I was going to split this chapter into two chapters, but it all flowed so well together. I didn't want you to have to wait weeks to know what happened. Right? So you get an extra long chapter this time around.
Any thoughts on the patronus tattoo? Also, Draco is going to have to face his own trauma sooner or later.
Please leave a review and let me know what you think.
Until next time.
-mezy