A/N: Diary of a Wimpy Kid fandom, it's been a while. I unfortunately am not really proud of what I wrote for the OG Growing Pains fic and I got distracted by my other fics over the years. Recently though, I had a dream about the Heffleys and my hyper-fixation for this series has come back. While The Ugly Truth still serves as the inspiration for this fic, I'm changing the plot a little bit because I wish there was a live action movie with the OG cast that explored Greg's dynamic with his mother. Enjoy :)
Whenever there's bold italics, that's Greg writing in his diary.
September
Greg Heffley was in the middle of a beautiful dream.
In a tropical island somewhere, he was making out with his beautiful girlfriend. In the warm waters, Greg caressed Holly's back as their lips passionately pushed each other. The sun was setting and he found himself craving more…
"The sky's dark. No one will see what we do next," she suggested seductively.
"And what's next?" He asked slyly. In the distance he could hear someone repeatedly call his name but he didn't pay attention for now.
"This," Holly answered with a smirk as she started pulling down on of the straps of her bikini top…
"GREG!" Rodrick shouted, immediately scaring him awake before his dream got good. "AH!" Greg screamed while flailing around in his bed. He then glared at his brother, who was dressed in school friendly attire, complete with a black book bag.
"I know you're just pranking me again so just leave me alone!" he spat. It wouldn't be the first time he did so. Rolling his eyes, his brother pulled out his cell phone.
"Oh really? My clock must be lying then," he admitted mockingly. The clock on his phone, which had a Jason Voorhees wallpaper, read 6:00 am. Greg read it and began to get out of his bed, still suspicious. Rodrick could have easily changed the time on his phone just to prank him, like that one time years ago when they went to Six Flags America, and Rodrick purposely changed his phone clock to 3 am just so he could mess with him. He wasn't stupid.
"Woah, woah, woah, little bro. You might need to fix that before Mom and Dad see it," Rodrick warned him, chuckling as he pointed at his crotch. Greg had no idea what he was pointing at until he looked below.
What he saw made him want to hide underneath his covers for the rest of the day.
After a very embarrassing and ice cold shower, Greg walked downstairs to see if the rest of their family was up. To his shock, their mom was making breakfast while their dad dressed Manny for preschool, which meant that he wasn't being punked. Sweetie barked at him happily as he ate from his doggie bowl in the kitchen.
"Greg, what took you so long? You can't miss out on a meal before school, especially the first day of school," their mom chided in worry as she put some bits of bacon and eggs on Manny's plate. "A growing boy needs as much energy as possible."
"Some parts of Greggy have definitely been growing a lot lately," Rodrick joked, making him glare at him.
"I had to take a shower first," Greg answered while taking a seat at the table. While their mom raised an eyebrow in confusion, their dad stared at his lips weirdly.
"You're getting some hair above your upper lip," their dad pointed out, causing Greg to touch the spot in question. Sure enough, he felt tiny hairs.
"The idea of having an awesome mustache actually excited me. No guy gets respect and a badass job without a mustache," he thought to himself while fantasizing about being a pirate, a firefighter, a rockstar, a cop, a pilot, an army general, and even a criminal.
"Don't worry, if you turn out like me you'll barely grow hair. I only shave once or twice a week, if even that," their dad "assured" him but it wasn't what he wanted to hear.
"I don't want any of my boys to have beards or mustaches anyway, you're all too young," their mom argued while putting food on all their plates.
"I'll be nineteen in two months, Mom. I'll be going off to college. How can I get a bunch of hot babes if I can't grow a good beard?" His brother whined.
"Are girls more important to you than a degree?" Their mom questioned back accusingly.
"Well, yeah because who else is going to take care of me? Myself?" Rodrick answered before laughing self-deprecatingly.
When their mom's eyes narrowed in anger instead of laughing with him, he knew that his brother said something incredibly stupid. Instead of giving Rodrick his plate of food, she practically slammed it on the kitchen counter, making him confused. A piece of bacon fell to the floor which Sweetie eagerly ate up.
"When everyone is home tonight, we're going to have a family meeting," she warned them all. The atmosphere dropped several degrees even though it was still hot outside.
"Ever since my brothers and I were born, we were raised with the expectations of what a woman's duties in the house were compared to a man's, but I don't think my mom has been appreciating them lately. She's been reading all of these feminist books lately, and has the idea that mothers and daughters are unfairly forced to do all of the domestic labor in the house while fathers and sons do nothing. If you ask me, women have it easy. If I was a girl, I would want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom while the guy does all of the work," Greg wrote in his diary later right before school, picturing himself as a woman happily baking cookies while her husband passed out on the couch after a hard day of construction work.
"I don't even know what's the big deal with what I said. Mom's always been doing everything for us, and that's what moms are here for," Rodrick complained as he drove him to school.
"She's probably going through that menopausing stuff," Greg remarked, even though he didn't know much about what menopause was beyond it stopping an older woman from having more kids. Or it making older women annoyingly turn the AC on during winter because they were "feeling hot".
"Menu…pus…what?" Rodrick asked him in confusion.
"Nevermind," Greg dismissed. Eventually they reached his school.
"Alright, little bro, this is the first day of probably one of the worst school years you'll ever have. Eighth grade sucks, don't die," Rodrick advised nonchalantly as they lovingly clasped hands.
"Thanks, don't die either," Greg replied as he got out of the van, amused. He knew that this was Rodrick's way of being affectionate with him. They had grown close over time but they weren't ever going to be all corny and lovey dovey with each other unless their mom was watching.
Greg begrudgingly braced himself as he stepped inside Westmore. As always, chaos took over the halls with students either rushing to their lockers, messing around with friends, or picking on the puny sixth graders. The older he got, he wondered what was the logic in even having sixth graders occupy the same building as the higher grades.
"Greg!" Rowley exclaimed when he saw him. At the sight of his best friend, he struggled not to cringe at what the other boy was wearing: a large cowboy hat, a leather vest, a cow print undershirt, leather boots, and a rope attached to his hip. He knew that the Jeffersons spent a week in Texas to visit some family members and of course Rowley had to show that off in the cheesiest way possible.
"Rowley," Greg greeted as they bumped each other's fists. "You're wearing cowboy gear?"
"Of course, partner! Ain't this the coolest fit in the wild, wild west?" Rowley cheerfully answered while striking a pose.
"It's awesome," Greg lied, not bothering to argue. After years of being best friends with Rowley Jefferson, he had accepted the fact that the other boy was always going to be sheltered and silly. He then looked around them. "This school might be more dangerous than the wild west," he grumbled.
The disease of adolescence was taking over worse than ever. Girls who had been best friends since kindergarten were in separate cliques. Guys who were "jocks" walked around like they owned the place. And everyone either had bad acne or looked sweaty and gross.
"Well if it isn't the village idiot," Patty Ferrell sneered when she walked by them. To his satisfaction, there was a huge pimple on her forehead that he knew she had to be aware of.
"Are you confusing me with yourself?" He fired back, smirking when she fumed at that. She walked up to him.
"Don't even think about running for class president, loser," she hissed before stomping off.
"Bitch," he swore under his breath.
"Greg, you're not supposed to say a bad word! They're not nice!" Rowley scolded, making him roll his eyes.
"Patty Ferrell doesn't deserve nice, she's an annoying pigtail wearing…female dog…who can go fu-," Greg began to rant only to stop when he heard a voice behind him.
"Greg?" Holly, his girlfriend, asked. He immediately turned around and softened up at her presence. She had her hair up in a pretty curly ponytail and dressed herself in a pretty blue sundress for the day.
"Babe," he said, smiling as they quickly kissed. The taste of her cherry flavored lip gloss quickly imprinted itself in his mind.
"Ready for the best year of our lives?" Holly asked him next sweetly.
"I am now that you're here," he boasted, and they then tenderly held hands.
He loved Holly so much that if the apocalypse happened now, he would survive through it as long as he had his best girl with him.
Rodrick was not having a good first day of senior year so far.
He had thought that by now, everyone at school would have found something else to gossip about rather than his embarrassing attempt at wooing Heather Hills. Instead he was dealing with kids snickering at him like a bunch of hyenas as he walked through the hallways. One of Heather's friends "accidentally" bumped into him and spilled some of her frappuccino on his clothes. Because he had to clean himself off in the boy's restroom, he was late to homeroom.
"First day of school and I already have someone coming in late," Mrs. Hall said wryly as he stepped into class, "I assume you have a late note?"
"No ma'am," he answered, slightly nervous.
"Mmm, I'll give you a pass this one time but next time you'll be heading to the Red Room. And that goes for all of you," she replied. Relieved, he took a seat even as other kids laughed at him. "Now as I was saying, life after high school is no joke. Whether you go to college or trade school, you're an adult and you're on your own when it comes to making decisions," she continued. As she rambled, he found himself writing down potential new Löded Diper songs on his arm.
Homeroom eventually ended even though it felt like it took forever to do so. Unfortunately the actual school day had now begun. Rodrick grabbed his backpack and was trying to quickly escape the classroom when Mrs. Hall called out to him. "Rodrick! Come here!" She demanded. He froze uncomfortably as she walked up to him.
"Whatever it is, I didn't do it," he denied immediately. He was firmly aware of how bad his reputation was among the school staff, or just the entire school district in general considering how Greg got targeted by teachers at his middle school just for being his little brother.
"Rodrick, you're not in trouble…though thanks for giving me a heads up when you do get in trouble," she began in amusement, "Your past teachers have informed me that you sometimes struggle in class and so I think a tutor would be great for you."
"Nah, I don't need a tutor," he rejected, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. The last thing he needed to deal with throughout the year was a stuck-up dork who would talk about how stupid he was behind his back and constantly rat him out to the teachers. Whatever he couldn't do himself, he was gonna make his dad do it for him. As much as the old man bitched about his laziness, he would rather die of shame than let him repeat a grade again.
"If you don't want to, you don't have to, but Bobbi here is an honor student who as part of our honor's program, would be happy to work with you," Mrs. Bell insisted before gesturing behind them. He had no idea there was even another person in the room with them until he looked over to who she was talking about.
The person was a black girl with big brown eyes, long lashes, and a dazzling smile. She was hot.
"You know, maybe I do need a tutor," Rodrick thought to himself wolfishly.
"My school couldn't afford new books so usually we would just get hand me downs from the previous class. But when you get a book that ten kids had before you, it makes it hard to do any actual learning."
When math textbooks were being passed around in Greg's first class, he checked to make sure his textbook wasn't full of swear words or offensive drawings. Last year he had a kid named Bryan Goot's textbook and Bryan clearly had a penchant for drawing middle fingers and writing the word "fuck" at least twenty times on a page. That wasn't a fun thing to explain to his mom when Manny was caught reading it.
"Oh my gosh…," he heard Rowley mutter in horror. His best friend's eyes were widened and his jaw dropped so badly it was surprising it didn't dislocate. Greg looked over to the other boy's textbook and promptly raised an eyebrow.
There were…very graphic drawings of naked bodies and genitals everywhere from the covers to individual pages, and they were even doing things to each other in some of the drawings. Whoever had Rowley's book before him needed to be put in a registry. "How am I going to explain this to Mom and Dad?" His best friend asked in a panic.
Greg looked down at his own book. It was owned by Jordan Jury, the most popular kid in their school who was known to throw wild but awesome parties. By owning his textbook, this could be a great opportunity for him to really get in with the cool kids. Butttttt Rowley's parents would absolutely freak out and probably send him off to a monastery if he brought home that textbook…
"Switch with me," Greg suggested reluctantly, and his best friend didn't need to be told twice. "Ms. Frugoli, there's some very bad stuff drawn in my textbook," he said after they switched.
Ms. Frugoli was the new math teacher who didn't look much younger than Rodrick. She acted just like Rodrick would as a teacher too as she looked at him with complete disinterest. "I don't have any extras right now. Just ignore them," she replied dismissively, making him frown. She went back to playing Candy Crush on her phone.
"This school is more run down than an abandoned prison. It'll be a miracle if it's still standing in five years," he would go on to write in his journal bitterly later after class.
Lunch for the first day was pizza and fries, but Greg wasn't that hungry when he saw how they looked. "It has to be illegal to feed human beings this," he complained to his friend group while holding up a slice of pepperoni pizza that was obviously undercooked. The cheese wasn't fully melted and the pepperoni was still pale. Not a single fry on his tray was golden.
"Would you like some of my sushi, babe?" Holly offered him while opening up her lunchbox. Kept cool by ice packs, there was a colorful collection of the seafood rolls.
"Yeah, but only if you feed them to me," he answered slyly. He admittedly was nervous at the idea of eating raw fish otherwise.
"You're so lazy," she teased but got ready to do it anyway. He opened his mouth up eagerly as she picked up a roll with some chopsticks. Just when she was about to feed him his first sushi, there was a commotion at Jordan Jury's table.
"Did you guys hear that?" Jordan asked his buddies while looking around wildly, holding his ear out dramatically. One by one each of his friends lied for his approval. "Jordan's cronies would follow anything he does even if it makes them look stupid."
"Yeah!"
"I did!"
"What is it?"
"Never mind, my hearing must be bad," Jordan realized, and they all then changed their responses.
"Mine's too!"
"I have the same problem!"
"I'm going to the doctor's next week!"
"What a bunch of idiots," Greg commented in distaste, and everyone at his table seemed to agree. If that was what he had to do to be friends with the guy then maybe he was better off with just Rowley, Chirag, and Fregley.
The new fish in his sea had the same lunch period as him and like a fisher, Rodrick went to go catch her. "Hey, you want to sit at our table?" He asked Bobbi while they moved through the lunch line together.
"Sure, I would have been sitting alone anyway," she accepted to his joy. When they got their food, he led her to a table outside where he was sitting with his bandmates.
"Is that a chick? Chicks don't sit at our table," Ben whispered to Chris in shock as they sat down.
"Guys, meet Bobbi, my new tutor. Bobbi, meet my friends, Ben and Chris," Rodrick introduced them all to each other, sitting very close to Bobbi. He could smell some sort of fresh ocean scent on her skin, and it made her even more attractive to him.
"It's the first day of school and you already need a tutor? Isn't that gonna piss off your parents?" Chris asked him.
"Now Christopher, there's nothing wrong with admitting you need help right off the bat," he argued, "My folks will have no problem with me getting a tutor as long I get As. The only concern I have with Bobbi is why a girl like her is by herself this period."
"My friends all have sixth lunch and my best friend is at a whole different school. I'm eager to make new friends," Bobbi answered with a shrug. He noticed that she had long nails on her fingers, each painted a different color with the ring finger being bedazzled with rhinestones. They contrasted nicely against her shining brown skin. Bedazzled hoop earrings also hung from her lobes.
"I would love for you to be our friend," he declared with a huge grin. Her reaction to that wasn't the most enthusiastic but at least it wasn't outright disgust.
"Cool, then write your info on this piece of paper so we can get more acquainted with each other," Bobbi demanded while pulling out a loose leaf paper and a pen from her backpack. He grabbed the pen and started writing on the paper as if he only had mere seconds to do so.
"Desperate," he heard Chris mutter to Ben, making him glare at them both. Unlike him, neither of them ever had a girlfriend or even a girl that was just a friend.
"Someone's eager to learn," she said.
"Learning is key to a successful life," he lied.
"Are you hearing this?" Ben muttered to Chris back. He ignored them.
"Though, there will be some days where we can't meet up because of practice. Me and my boys here are a band, Löded Diper. We're going to be the biggest heavy metal band since Metallichihuahua," he boasted. She looked at them all in interest.
"Oh? You guys performed at the talent show earlier this year, right?" Bobbi asked them.
Rodrick's mood deflated at the memory. "Yeah, yeah," he answered in mild embarrassment, thinking of the stupid video Greg uploaded on YouTube of their mom doing some very cringeworthy dance moves to their performance the day after the show. Because of her, he couldn't send the video to a record label.
"I thought you guys' performance was kinda cool even with that lady dancing all over the place. Did you know her?" She asked him next cheerfully.
"Uh no, I think she was a mental hospital escapee," Rodrick denied.
Before their final class of the day, Greg went with his best friend to their lockers, which were conveniently right next to each other. Unfortunately for them, Michael Sampson and his girlfriend Abigail Brown were making out in front of their lockers.
"Can you guys get a room?" Greg demanded as he approached them. The couple broke apart and Michael gave him a death glare.
"Fuck off, wimp," he spat.
"Or what?" Greg challenged while pushing the other boy by his shoulder. Michael seemed to be even more angry at the action and Greg mentally prepped himself for a fight.
"PDA on school grounds isn't allowed. Especially since the mono outbreak last year," they heard a girl say. When Greg turned around, a black girl with glasses and braids was suddenly behind them.
"Michael Sampson, you had detention seven times last year and one suspension. Abigail Brown, you had detention three times and one of which you shared with Michael because you guys were caught hooking up under the bleachers. Because Michael was two timing a pair of best friends right before dating you, Abigail, he spread an STI to the entire seventh grade population including you. His dating habits aren't the best so you'll probably get mono again, and if I tell the teacher, you guys will have detention in addition to the mono. Is that what you guys want?" She asked them in a snobby, chiding tone. Greg didn't know whether to be impressed nor weirded out by how much drama this girl knew about these kids.
"Ugh, let it go, Michael. Let's go somewhere else," Abigail grumbled as he dragged her boyfriend away. Michael gave them one last hateful look as the couple stormed off but Greg simply gave him the finger in response.
"Michael's the most popular guy in school after Jordan and Bryce, what if he gets us?" Rowley asked him fearfully.
"The only thing that's scary about him is him being patient zero for mono," Greg dryly answered before glancing at the girl who stepped into their argument, "Thanks," he told her in gratitude.
The girl didn't say or do anything but nod awkwardly. She then practically ran off in the other direction. It was weird, but not as weird as Fregley marking his territory by affectionately kissing his locker across from them.
"She seems cool," Rowley noted, and while Greg wasn't sure about that, he did want to know more about this girl for some reason.
When school let out, Rodrick was already waiting for them outside in his van. There was a dreamy, sweet smile on his face.
"Greg! Rowley! Why don't I take you guys out for ice cream to celebrate a successful first day of school? My treat," his older brother asked them cheerfully. Greg shared a disturbed look with his best friend.
"Did you sell a Löded Diper cd today or kick some puppies?" He asked him.
"No, I just met the love of my life today," Rodrick said confidently.
"Okay…," Greg replied, still confused as he and Rowley got in the van. "Heather Hills was supposed to be the love of Rodrick's life but I guess after his attempt to woo her at her birthday party failed epically, he got the hint to move onto someone else. I wonder if I should be scared for whoever this new girl is."
On the way home, Rodrick drove as if he was floating, with him neither going over the speed limit nor crashing into any mailboxes. It was quite surreal. Rodrick continued to act as if he was floating even when they entered their house.
"Hi Mom," Rodrick greeted before randomly kissing her on the cheek.
"Here you go," Greg said enthusiastically to her next while handing her his backpack. It was what he'd been doing since he was starting to go to school. Since she was always waiting for him at the door, she would take his backpack and put it in the dining room for him so he wouldn't forget to do his homework.
"So only Rodrick can give me a hi?" She asked critically.
"Hi," he added dismissively, and she looked way more put off by that than she should have been, even after Rowley greeted her last. When Sweetie ran up to him and jumped up on his knees, he affectionately scratched the fur on his neck.
"Bubby, Bubby, can we play Mario Kart?" Manny asked while running up to him excitedly as well. One of his front teeth was missing.
"After I finish Twisted Wizard," he assured him. With the reason behind Manny losing his tooth being because he angrily bit into a game controller while he taught him how to play Mario Kart, Greg honestly was reluctant to continue allowing Manny to play with him. He often rage quitted himself but never to that level.
Manny then wrapped his arms around his legs next, causing Sweetie to give him a look of confusion. "I want to be Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi! Yoshi!" He chanted while bouncing nonstop.
"Because you'll scream at the top of your lungs if I want him?" Greg asked with a knowing frown. Unsurprisingly, Manny nodded. He so wished that their parents would stop allowing Manny to be an entitled brat.
"Rodrick, can you help me cook dinner tonight? The recipe would work better with two hands," their mom asked their big brother while he got a snack from the fridge.
"I'm about to be busy with writing song lyrics for the band's next single," Rodrick answered.
"Whatever your mother wants is more important than the band as long as you live in my house. You can't survive in the real world if you don't know how to cook," their mom argued firmly.
"But cooking is women's work, or stuff for wimps. Why don't you ask Greg?" He argued back, directing the last part teasingly at him.
If their mom's mood wasn't already irritated due to Rodrick's earlier comment, she was furious now. As her face boiled in anger, her face slightly reddened. "Rodrick, go sit on the couch," she commanded.
The oldest Heffley boy was confused at her reaction. "But why-"
"Now! All three of you!" She repeated harshly, causing Rodrick to flinch. Greg wondered why he had to be involved in this mess. He and his brothers unwillingly followed the command, with Manny sitting uncomfortably between them.
"Do you need me to go, Mrs. Heffley?" Rowley asked, looking fearful for the second time that day.
"I'm sorry but yes, Rowley, because this is family business," she answered.
"Okay!" His best friend accepted before leaving the house immediately. Greg couldn't even really blame him for that.
By the time their dad got home two hours later, the tension in the house had never been worse, not even when Rodrick and he got busted for that party they threw earlier in the year. It was as if a deadly bomb was about to go off. Even Sweetie was scared as he cowered and whimpered weakly in a corner.
With all four Heffley boys sitting on the couches, nervous at what the house meeting was going to be about, the woman of the house was the only one standing. And they all feared the worst. "I usually enjoy being a wife and mother. I could have stayed single and childless my whole life and been happy, but I chose to have a family and I fear that you all have been taking that for granted," she began seriously.
Greg looked at his brothers and their father nervously, and he could tell they were all matching his feelings.
"Being a woman doesn't mean I'm obligated to cook, clean, and pick up after you boys every waking minute of my life. You all have two arms, two legs, and working brains. I have been putting in most of the domestic labor in this house for far too long and it's unacceptable. I'm tired of it!" She continued in a rant.
"Susan, you have it easy compared to me. I'm the one who spends the majority of his week working my butt off for this family. You're the one who wanted to stay at home since Manny was born," their dad argued, making her scoff.
"Well you don't have to worry about me being home all day. I'm going back to college," she announced.
"WHAT?" The rest of them exclaimed at the same time.
"I need to stimulate my mind, and remind myself that I'm an educated woman before I am some live-in maid for the patriarchy," his mom explained coldly, "For a semester, I'm taking a few dances that'll take up my afternoons and evenings throughout the week so you boys are your own. You'll have to make your own meals, wash your own clothes, wipe down the toilets after your own use, and buy your own groceries. Then hopefully we'll all come to an understanding that there should be no such difference between men's work and women's work."
Her attitude left no further room for argument, and that scared Greg. When his mom was this upset, nothing could make her change her mind. So they were screwed.
"One of my teachers once told us that the older you get, the more stuff life throws at you. Hopefully I can find the Fountain of Youth as soon as possible if that's the case."
A/N: I'm publishing this fic not just on here but on Archive Of Our Own because that's my preferred platform. Keep a look out for this fic under my BlackSansaStark account on there because I will most likely update chapters on there first!