A/N: As usual, some of the dialogue is lifted directly from The Ugly Truth

'Deer Boby

U r varry hawt ann i wood lik too tak u ouwt awn a date. U ann i wood bee grreat togeter, i jus kno it.

Luv,

Rodrick Heffley.'

Greg had to read over the letter at least five times to understand it while Rodrick smiled proudly. He could not believe it. No way did his older brother think this was going to impress a girl. He was pretty sure the girl's name was not even spelled correctly.

"Pretty great right? Short and cuts to the point," Rodrick boasted.

'Jeez, Rodrick how did you pass first grade?' Greg thought to himself. He was no Albert Einstein himself but at least he can spell "Dear". And while he has not yet met "Bobbi", Greg was pretty sure no girl would accept a love note full of spelling errors.

However he did not want to hurt his older brother's feelings so….

"Yeah, it's cool," Greg replied.

"Remember little bro, chicks dig notes," Rodrick said with a smug grin. He playfully slapped his shoulder, and Greg numbly got out of his van for school. When his older brother then cheerfully drove off, Greg shook his head. Rodrick may have been older, but he was plain clueless sometimes and a major fuckup.

"This year, everyone in my grade has to take Advanced Health, which covers some top-secret stuff that I guess they didn't think we were ready for until now. In the first few classes, the boys and girls were mixed together but today Nurse Powell said she was gonna split us up. She sent the girls down to Mrs. Gordon's room and then she put in a video for us boys to watch. From what I could tell, the video was at least thirty years old, so I'm sure Dad watched the same exact tape when he was my age."

"Greg, I'm kinda scared," Rowley admitted to him nervously as the opening of the video came on the classroom projector screen. "Say Hello To The Brand New You! (Boys Edition)" was the title of the video, with a goofy looking font and colored with neon blue letters. There were three stages of the male body shown on screen from a little, hairless toddler, to a teenage boy with small bushes of hair underneath his arms, to a very hairy grown man. Both the teen boy and the grown man had cringetastic eighties' mullets.

"Why? If they wanted us to be scared about something, they wouldn't show us a video from practically the Middle Ages," Greg assured his best friend. And then Nurse Powell made the video start.

"When you were a little kid, the scariest things you had to deal with were the monsters under your bed, losing your first tooth, or getting in trouble when Dad comes home. But over the course of one summer, you have started to go through the scariest experience of all: puberty," the narrative of the video began ominously as a tween boy came on screen. When he went to bed at night, he was still looking innocent and adorable, but when he woke up the next morning and looked at himself in his bathroom mirror, he saw a teenage boy with larger hands, longer legs, hair growing rapidly above his chin, and freakish looking muscles. The special effects used to emphasize how much the boy had grown were cheesy and cartoonish.

"When boys start puberty, there's plenty of questions to be asked: why am I growing taller? Why is my voice deeper? Why are my arms hairy, and what is going down in my pants…."

The last statement made Rowley turn paper white in horror, and Greg began an internal countdown in his head to when his best friend was inevitably going to start having a panic attack.

"During puberty, boys will start to look like men. A growth spurt can occur anywhere between as young as ten and as old as fifteen. You may be taller and more muscular than your parents or perhaps shorter. It all depends on your genes that you can't control…freaky isn't it? Girls can start puberty earlier than guys, but when you start your growth spurt, you may end up taller than your girlfriend by several inches."

For a brief moment, Greg fantasized about him growing over six feet tall, way taller than the rest of his family, and getting huge, bulging muscles. In his mind, Holly would be all over him and find him the sexiest man alive. Bullies at school wouldn't dare mess with him, and he would star in one blockbuster action movie after another. He would be the next Dwayne Johnson or Vin Diesel!

When the narrator began explaining what was "down there", that's when everything started getting super uncomfortable for everyone involved.

"During puberty, hair starts growing on your genitals, which get bigger. You will start getting erections, which is what happens when you experience sexual arousal. Erections can happen anywhere, anytime, sometimes in the most embarrassing situations. An erection leads to ejaculation, which is when semen-"

"AHHH!" Rowley exclaimed before falling back in his chair and passing out from shock. Nurse Powell immediately ran to him in a panic and class ended prematurely for the day.

"To be honest with you, I don't think Rowley is ready for this kind of stuff. He's still basically like a little kid. When we were still in sixth grade, he avoided the older kids at our school because he was afraid he was gonna 'catch the puberty'."

Rodrick

Before school started, Rodrick put his love note in Bobbi's locker. The note was in a light pink envelope because his mom told him that girls liked that.

"My cousin is totally down to have Loded Diper perform at his bar as long as we dress fancy," Chris announced excitedly to him as they attended Spanish class.

"Sweet, maybe I'll have Bobbi cheering me on in the crowd by then," he boasted.

"You gave her the note?" His friend asked.

"Yeah, I know she's gonna love it," he answered confidently just as Bobbi came into class with some of her friends who were also black. She was the dark-skinned one of the friend group, with the other two girls being light and medium brown. She wore a pink sweater, denim jeans, and long nails with a swirly black and brown design this week. Her braids were in a high red gloss on her lips made them look super kissable.

She looked happy about something and hopefully it was because of his note. Feeling more confident about his chances, Rodrick got out of his seat to talk to her. "Hey, did ya get my note?" He asked slyly.

She tilted her head in confusion. "What note?" She asked back, confusing him in return.

"The one I left in your locker before homeroom," he reminded her, but she still seemed to not know what he was talking about. She then shook her head.

"I didn't see a note in my locker. Was it about something important?"

"Isn't your locker by Mr. Braunstein's room?"

"No, it's in the cafeteria."

Rodrick suddenly got a very bad feeling in his gut. "Then who's locker did I put that note in…?" He asked out loud to himself. There was a big sticker of the letter "B" on that locker and the first three numbers on it looked very similar to what he thought hers was…

"Rodrick Heffley, what the fuck?" A booming, hyper masculine voice called out to him angrily. It belonged to Bobby Easton, the most muscular (and aggressive) jock at Crosslands High. At the sight of the guy, Rodrick paled in horror. Bobby was holding the note in his hands, crumbled up beyond recovery.

"Uh…uh…hey Bobby. Awesome throw you did at the last game," he praised with a nervous smile, praying that he would survive this encounter.

It was looking like Plan A to win the heart of Bobbi Rivers was a failure.

Greg

"Is Rowley going to be okay?" Holly asked him later that day in concern as they hung out at his locker.

"Eventually," Greg answered flatly. Mr. Jefferson had come up and took Rowley home early after today's events. The man looked pissed that Rowley even had to learn about this stuff anyway in the first place. "I don't know if he's gonna survive the whole week. He's been sheltered from any sort of puberty talk since his voice started getting deeper."

"I don't blame him. The video we watched was pretty gross but it's necessary. Growing up is a part of life," his girlfriend reasoned.

"I think it's sexist to separate the girls and the boys from each other when we can all benefit from learning about how puberty affects the other gender's body," they heard Jerri blurt out. She had randomly creeped up behind them.

"Especially boys. The world caters so much to the male body but yet the average man can't tell you anything about how a woman's body works," she continued bitterly.

"When you approach somebody, you're supposed to say hi and how they're doing," Greg snarked. Her behavior reminded him of Angie Steadman, who was a freshman at Crosslands High now.

Holly sent him a look of disapproval yet again, but Jerri could not find it in her to stop talking. "But I'm not lying, am I Holly?"

"Definitely not. Some of the boys in our grade treat periods like it's the Black Plague, and it's frustrating. They freak out at the mere mention of a tampon or pad," Holly agreed before eying him suspiciously, "Super glad to be dating a guy who wouldn't act like that, right Greg?"

"Uh, no I would never. Periods are a natural part of life and it's our job as guys to support our girlfriends when they go through them, that's what my mom always tells me," he answered as carefully as he could so he didn't get in trouble with his girlfriend. She looked satisfied at his answer.

"Your mom sounds like a wise woman," Jerri praised.

"I'm sure my mom would love to hear that as she's putting the guys in her home through the ringer right now. In fact I bet her and Jerri would get along great since they're both nags…so I have to do my best to make sure they never meet."

The image he doodled when he wrote in his journal later was of him being trapped in a classroom as his mom and Jerri forced him to attend a lecture on women's rights. It was a terrifying scenario to imagine.

Rodrick

Tutoring session number two was off to an uncomfortable start after today's events. Rodrick tried not to let Plan A's failure get to him because there was always a Plan B.

"Yo prefiero la pizza a la pasta," Bobbi said to him in Spanish, "É tu?"

"Me gusta pizza," he simply replied. It was the best response he could come up with.

"Well that's something at least," she allowed. She then decided to bring up the incident with Bobby Easton. "I can't believe Bobby really tried to throw hands with you in front of everybody over a note. Was it supposed to be a hate letter or something?"

"No, he's just the typical jock: a douchebag," he grumbled. Who was now dating Heather Hills because that was the type of guy she was into too.

"Good thing he doesn't hit girls because I wasn't gonna let him do that," Bobbi declared, making him smile a little at least. She did stand in front of him and told the jock to fuck off or else she was gonna get the teacher. "Are you sure there wasn't something I needed to know in that note?"

"Nope, I honestly forgot what I wrote down. Sorry," he lied sheepishly. She raised an eyebrow at him but thankfully didn't question him further.

"You know after school, I'm probably gonna get a Hershey bar or something. I'm sort of a chocolate freak," she admitted.

"Yeah?" He asked in interest. He was a chocolate lover himself, and not just because it tasted good. Chocolate bars made for great prank objects.

"Yeah, it's something I like getting as a gift too," she explained further.

Rodrick smirked as a new plan formed in his head…

Greg

His dad, instead of Rodrick, picked him up from school today to take him to a dentist appointment. With his mom taking night classes, the parental duties of taking the kids to important appointments and meetings had shifted to his dad, who wasn't super enthusiastic about it.

"Say Hello To The New You? I literally watched the exact same video when I was in eighth grade," his dad complained as he drove, "I would've hoped that the school upgraded to a more modern one."

"Classic Westmore," Greg dryly replied. He had a feeling now that his parents wished he could have attended a better middle school. He wished the same but at least it was almost over.

"Most kids don't like going to the dentist but I actually look forward to it. I've been going to the same dentist since I was two years old and they're totally my type of operation."

Greg smiled when he saw a billboard ad of "Tender Hugs Pediatric Dental Care" on the highway, located in Tall Pines Shopping Mall. The ad was pink with a cutesy font, purple hearts, and a wholesome looking baby elephant that was saying "We cater to cowards" in a speech bubble. His smile faltered when his dad for some reason missed the exit to the facility.

"Dad, Tender Hugs is back there," he warned the older man.

"Greg, don't you think it's about time you see a more grown up dentist? I'm taking you to the same guy I go to, Dr. Kagan," his dad explained, horrifying him. Greg had an instant chill go up his spine at the name. Coincidentally, an ugly grey ad for Dr. Salazar Kagan's dentist office appeared next on the highway. He was a man around his dad's age who had a stern facial expression on his billboard picture. Unlike Tender Hug's endearing approach, Kagan primarily advertised root canals, abscess draining, and bone crafting. "Because bad oral health is nothing to smile about," were the words written underneath his picture.

Inside the dentist's office there were no coloring books or toys, just boring magazines and posters warning of all of the terrible diseases and infections that can destroy a person's teeth. Greg could not hide his dread as his dad checked him in. Within a few minutes, Dr. Kagan was ready for him.

Greg had never seen so many sharp tools in his life when he was called into the man's room. They were all laid out in the open for him in a way he assumed was the dentist's way of showing he wasn't fooling around. "Have a seat here, Greg," Dr. Kagan urged him ominously while gesturing to the operation chair, "Since this is our first meeting, let's get to know each other better, what are your favorite foods to eat and drink every day?"

"Burgers, fries, pizza, cake, and soda," he confessed, and his skin started crawling at how that answer suddenly made the dentist really mad. The dentist went into his side room for a moment and came back with a gross looking jar of brown liquid with a rotten tooth in it.

"This is what happens when you leave a tooth in a jar of soda for twenty hours," Dr. Kagan explained threateningly, "This is what you're doing to your teeth every day."

"Um, no, because I don't take my teeth out every night and if I did, I wouldn't just leave them in a can of soda overnight," Greg denied, and he genuinely thought that was a smart answer. The nasty scowl on Dr. Kagan's face indicated that it wasn't. The dentist spent five minutes nagging the shit out of him on why he needed to drop the daily unhealthy food. As much as he knew he should heed the dentist's warning, he needed those little cakes he purchased from the school cafeteria. Because they were pre-packaged, they were the only food that was one hundred percent safe to eat.

Next, the dentist cleaned around in his mouth, or more accurately assaulted his teeth and gums with a tiny metal scraper. Greg couldn't stop squirming in pain. He was certain the guy was doing it on purpose. When the dentist had him use mouthwash and spit into the sink, there was blood. The dentist was willfully ignorant to how much pain he caused him.

"We're going to do some x-rays. Bite into this mouthpiece here," Dr. Kagan advised while putting a plastic instrument into his mouth. Greg's gums were so sore at that point that he just wanted the appointment to be over. With the first two x-ray pictures, it wasn't so bad even with the pain he was feeling.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The dentist suddenly screeched in pain before he took the third picture and Greg didn't know why at first. Then he realized that in a hurry to get the final x-ray over and done with, he bit down on Dr. Kagan's finger instead of the plastic piece.

If he was in a horror movie, this probably would have been the scene where he died a violent death.

In his deep annoyance with his new patient, and with an obvious bloodthirsty desire to destroy his social life, he had diagnosed him with an overbite and gave his dad a pamphlet advertising headgear. Luckily on the ride home, his dad didn't stop to buy any. "I think I should take you to a second dentist to verify this overbite thing because your teeth look pretty normal to me," his dad expressed in disbelief as he drove them home.

"Can the visit to the second dentist be six months later?" Greg asked him.

"After today, I can safely put myself among the high statistics of kids that absolutely hate going to the dentist."

Rodrick

Rodrick was determined to make Plan B. With renewed energy, he drove to the mall after his tutoring session with Bobbi was over and headed to some newly opened candy shop inside. Called Tinky Tonka's Sugar Factory, the shop was already packed with brats begging their parents to buy them fifteen dollars worth of candy. He headed straight to the chocolate section.

There was a small selection of gift boxes available and a twelve piece collection for ten dollars immediately caught his eye. Each chocolate in the box was a different flavor from the others from a peanut butter infused milk chocolate nugget to a dark chocolate nugget covered in caramel swirls. Despite his intentions on giving the chocolates to Bobbi, Rodrick found himself wanting to buy it for his own craving. 'Focus, Roddy,' he chastised himself as he grabbed a box and headed to the counter.

"Thirteen dollars and fifteen cents," the cashier announced, confusing him.

"It says on the tag that it's only going for twelve bucks," he corrected her.

"There's a tax on all of our products," she explained, surprising him. He then remembered that the stupid new mayor of Plainview made a law earlier this year that to pressure kids into eating healthier, all purchasable sugary treats and sodas in town were to be sold with a whopping dollar and fifty cent tax. He knew who he didn't want to get reelected next year.

"Right…," he replied sheepishly as he paid the correct amount, trying not to think about how he failed every math quiz he had ever taken on taxes too. While the transaction went through, another cashier came out from the supply closet with a phone in her hands. "You won't believe what I'm looking at on my YouTube feed right now!" She excitedly urged the other employee.

"I'm in the middle of something," his cashier scolded.

"But, this girl can spit. Watch with me," the other girl urged, making his cashier relent. Rodrick was about to be annoyed until he saw who was in the YouTube video the other employee was showing off. It was Bobbi.

"Isn't that the pastor's granddaughter?" His cashier asked as the video started playing. Bobbi was inside of a car, wearing tight white shorts and a shirt from some anime Greg and his buddy Rowley watched.

"I gotta a man wanting me to settle down but the only thing I'm settling are these student debts, he tells I ain't getting no ring, I tell him wanna bet? I ain't tying myself down to one man when these men lining up to get me, they attracted to my honey like a bee," she energetically rapped along to a rock beat. The name of the video was "Big Cat Freestyle" and it already had over fifteen thousand views despite only being released this morning.

"When I get tired of boys because their attitude stink like weeds, I be spitting them out like seeds, throw them out to the next chick who's desperate for any dick, I don't exist to impress boys, they exist to impress me like the hottest new toys."

"You wouldn't know she's a pastor's granddaughter from how she's rapping," the other employee remarked.

"I go to high school with her," Rodrick could only say, completely mesmerized by what he was watching. From the rock music, to her rap skills, to how her outfit was showing off her very nice body, he had to stop himself from drooling.

"Aww, I can tell you're feeling her," one of the employees teased him lightly, "It's looking like you got some stiff competition though."

Rodrick looked at one of the top comments on the video. It was some fourteen year old saying that Bobbi has single handedly started his puberty.

Greg

"Cooking our own dinner without Mom still hasn't been going great. I worry that when the zombie apocalypse happens, I won't be able to last long if there's not a microwave around."

Greg tapped his foot impatiently as his pepperoni pizza hot pocket cooked in the microwave. It was only going to take two minutes and thirty seconds but he was hungry now. Manny was eating some chocolate from a box on the floor. He had no idea where his little brother found it but he also knew by now that there was nothing in the house that Emanuel Heffley could not get his grubby little hands on. When Rodrick came into the kitchen next, he had a sunny attitude at first until he saw Manny. "Manny, what the hell? Where did you get that?" His older brother angrily asked his younger brother.

"I'm only four!" Manny exclaimed in response while waving around the box of chocolates. More chocolates fell out and tumbled to the floor. The four year old then giggled mischievously with some of the treat smeared all over his mouth.

"Do you know what those were for? They were a gift for a friend, I spent ten dollars on them!" Rodrick continued to rant. Manny's lip began to tremble.

"Rod, chill. He's only four," Greg argued, then froze up at how much he sounded like their mom at those words.

"Okay, Mom," his older brother snapped, confirming his fears. Manny deciding to walk over and latch onto him in comfort didn't help. A brief montage of all the times where their mom excused all of Manny's most annoying moments because of his age played through his mind. And for some reason, he just did the same thing.

"Leave me alone, Rodick," Manny demanded.

"It's Rodrick," their older brother corrected.

"Dick, dick, dick, dick!" Manny exclaimed, aggressively pointing his finger at Rodrick, making it clear that it wasn't just an innocent mistake from a toddler. It was an insult.

Their dad came in from the living room with his hands on his hips. "Are one of you boys teaching Manny bad words again?" He asked him and Rodrick sternly.

"No!" His older brother denied.

"Yes," his younger brother lied in spite, knowing that their dad would believe him over Rodrick.

"In addition to having his second plan at wooing Bobbi blow up in his face, Rodrick had to donate two dollars to the family swear jar, which was a big jar of money that was going towards Manny's university fund. I felt bad for my big bro but he also didn't need to attack Manny like that over an innocent mis—-wait, why do I sound like Mom again right now?"