01 • Excuse me?
Death. The thing that just happened to me. I am dead. I have died. I know this. I acknowledge this. I expected to be greeted by Satan and fire. I expected to be tortured until I can convince Satan to let me help him rule. What I did not expect was the endless black void of absolute nothingness. I couldn't even see my body, if I had one. There is no time in death but, I'm pretty sure it's been over a couple of hours. So I have some questions, what the hell? Where the hell? If this is the purgatory, I much rather take being made into soup, thank you very much. I do not want whatever shit this is. It isn't anything near tormenting! I need to have a talk with Satan when I can.
Maybe, this is like the waiting room? Does afterlife have a waiting room? A lot of people do die every day, it'd be stressful I imagine. But what the fuck is taking so long? I should've been sent straight to Hell! What reason is there for me to be on the waiting list?! This is bullshit. I would yell it out too, if I could, seeing how I have no fucking mouth! I am pissed with my situation but I can't fucking do anything!, because I don't know what the fuck is going on! I hate not knowing.
Another reason why I'm so pissed. How long has it been? In this darkness? It's oddly comforting but still, I can't stay here for eternity — no, I refuse to stay in this shithole for eternity. That's when I see a blinding light. It was white light too. I hate the color white but also love it. I hate it because it's so fucking plain and boring. I love it because I can literally do anything to cover it. The light blinds me for a moment but when I opened my eyes, I want to die all over again. This isn't Hell and this isn't Heaven. It's a fucking courtroom. I see two people sitting behind the desk in front of me. The stands to the sides of me were filled with others. I'm in the middle sitting in a low chair by myself.
I take in a deep breath, closing my eyes. I stretch out my body without making too much movement to draw attention. I open my eyes again. "What the fuck is this?" The room fell silent. Good, I have their attention. "What the hell is going on?" I asked ignoring the judging stares I was receiving. I would flick them off but I want to know what I'm getting into before I do.
One of the two people sitting at the desk in front of me — the one to my right — cleared their throat. Now that I look at them, they both look to be male. One in a white and gray suit, the other in a black and red suit. The white one spoke after clearing his throat again. He smiled. My middle finger twitched. "Anna Hethingway," He questions lightly and I nod in confirmation. "You are here to be judged. This is how it's decided whether you will move on to Heaven or to Hell, as you mortals call our homes," the man continues. He makes me feel stupid so I don't like him already.
"There's no need for that," I speak before the guy can continue. Apparently, interrupting isn't a good thing because the stares just got judge-y-er (is that a word? Pretty sure it's not, but I'm dead so what do I care?). I'm pretty sure I can hear someone writing this all down. Though, this doesn't concern me seeing how I'm going to Hell regardless.
"Why do you say so, Hethingway?" The other guy in a black and red suit asks. I can tell he's amused. My middle finger twitched again. I really don't want to explain since I feel really tired. I messaged my head and let out a long-suffering sigh.
"Because I'm going to Hell obviously," I reply, bored. They chuckle. Fucking chuckled. Assholes. What the fuck is so funny? I raise an eyebrow at them in question not wanting to talk.
"You'd be surprised," the one in the black suit starts. "That you won't be going to either," the white suit one finishes. They smiled or well, smirked in one's case. My expression went blank as I slowly closed my eyes. Why the fuck am I so tired? Was I drugged?
"Excuse me?" I ask confused and angry that I can't accomplish my dream. "Why the fuck not?"
"You are neither good or bad. You're quite equal in points for each. All the way to the last decimal. Which is why you're here instead one of the two," the one obviously from Hell explains. Heaven-Guy rolls his eyes. "You're stuck in limbo basically," he supplies before hell-guy can say anything more.
"Okay," I say warily. "What happens to those stuck in limbo?"
Heaven-Guy smiles brightly making me cringe inside. Kids are cute when they do that shit but adults?, get them the fuck away from me. "Well, usually you'd get different choices based on how many points you have," he explains. I wait for him to continue seeing how the 'you choose' thing isn't going to play out for me. "But, a choice has already been made for you by both parties," his smile twitches under my glare.
"And what's the choice that has already been chosen for me?" I question threateningly.
Hell-Guy smirks at me making me shift my glare to him. "It's simple, really. You'll be going back," he says vaguely.
"So I'll be a zombie? I can work with that. Start my own empire. Okay, okay," I say nodding to myself. I don't really care at this point. Why should I? I'll just have to live another life until I'm dead (which as a zombie is quite hard) to complete my dream. It's fine. It's great. Yay. Note the fucking sarcasm.
They both laugh and I roll my eyes while yawning. Why am I so fucking tired? Was I seriously drugged? Damn. "No, no. You won't be coming back from the dead like that. You'll just be living life again," Heaven-Guy explains just as vague.
"Will I be living my life again or is this some reborn type of shit?" I question irritated that I was not getting a straight answer. They grin. Which is just creepy because they are grown men and it makes them look like pedophiles.
"You'll be reborn but," he starts while Hell-Guy finishes, "To make this more entertaining you'll keep your memories."
I close my eyes and let out a long breath through my nose. That can't just do that. Think of the parents! Their child born with the mind of a woman over thirty. They won't get to experience raising a child like that, especially if I'm being reborn as the oldest and first child. That's just unfair to them. And to me. I mean, what if I born to a family that doesn't speak English? I am not about to go through the process of learning how to speak, read, and write again. And the culture? Traditions? Family businesses? Class in power? What if I'm born to the wealthy? Or the poor? Or to criminals (which wouldn't be too bad, I mean, I was one in the first life in a way). How will I be expected to act? And what about a nice little middle-class family? Would I need to be sweet and cute?
But, then again, this is a new life. A new name. A new beginning. A new me. Anna Hethingway died by a truck. She is no more. I am her. But when I'm reborn, I won't be her anymore. This is quite troubling. I can't exactly do a whole personality change as if it's the flick of a switch. I can't change how I am. How I think. How I do things. How I view life. I can't change that.
But I can try. It's always been said that trying your best is better than not trying at all. Even if you just know what the results will be. And I know that I can't change who I am. I'm technically a soul right now and my soul is and always will be Anna. I know I can change with new surroundings in this next life. Maybe. Possibly. Ehhh. Depends.
This is really fucking messed up either way. I open my eyes to see the two men smiling softly at me, almost like they read my thought process which I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I twitch and my nose scrunches up. I let out another sigh before sitting up straight. Well, at least I know how death will be. There goes my self-preservation for the new life. I wave my hand in the air in a dismissing motion of sorts. "Okay okay. Let's get this over with. Anything else I should know?" I ask while standing up and stretching. They turn to look at each other, sharing a conversation with their eyes (or mind. I wouldn't know).
"No, that's all," they say together. They're keeping something from me, I know it. Instead of calling them out on their bullshit, I nod and place my hand on my hip waiting for something to happen. My vision starts to go black and I let it happen. I really just want to sleep. "Good luck," I hear them both say before all I see is complete darkness.
It was like the darkness before arriving in the court with the representatives of Heaven and Hell. I just floated in darkness. Didn't have any limbs. Didn't have any concept of time. Didn't have anything to entertain me. I wonder if I'm in the womb? I didn't think I'd be starting from here when it came to rebirth. The space I was in was comforting but increasingly boring. I don't know if babies in wombs can really sleep. I never liked to be left to my thoughts. They wander to the dark parts.
So I began to count. Count the seconds and minutes and hours and days. I didn't know if my counting was correct with the timing outside. I highly doubt it is. But I didn't care. I needed something to occupy my mind. As I counted, a small thought came to me. My counting continued in the back of my mind while I pondered the thought.
What if I'm born as a twin? Triplet? That'd be better for the parents if this is their first child(ren). They could get the experiences of raising a child without me ruining it for them. In a way, I'm like a spare. That's okay. What if I'm born the oldest? Simple. I'd kill for my younger siblings. It's not like I haven't killed before for children and jobs so I won't be fazed. But then there the parents...ah, well, they should've known I was an odd child. What if...I'm born to a big family?
[ Ignored. Burden. Worthless. Unneeded. Not wanted. Too many. No one cares. Who would? The Youngest. Weak. Annoying. Wish you never existed. You're in the way. Crybaby. ]
I stamp down the memories of my first family to the ground and burn them. I won't need them in my new life. I don't need the pain they brought. I just need the lessons they taught.
I began to think over my new appearance in this new life. Would I have black hair again? Or blonde? What if I'm a redhead? Ginger? They are two different things, trust me. I've offended enough people to know. What about eye color? Blue? Brown? Green? Or maybe even have heterochromia! That would be cool.
I wonder what jobs my parents have. Are the wealthy? Middle class? Poor? What about where I am in the world? America? Hope not. Canada? That'd be okay. Europe? Cool. Alaska? At least I'd finally learn to ice skate if so.
As I thought over all the possibilities of my new life. I was vaguely aware of the counting in the back of my mind. I was vaguely aware of how much time passed. Too wrapped up in the possibilities. Of what could happen, good or bad. How I would handle situations that are likely to never happen. So I was vaguely aware, of how much I was growing.
I didn't know I had any limbs or that I grew until the comfortable dark space seemed to grow small around me. I had become restless (I found that I could sleep after exhausting my mind from thinking) with the information. So I moved unconsciously. And I hit a wall. A wet and warm wall. With my foot. I have a foot. It startled me greatly that I kicked again.
There was pressure from where I kicked. Like someone was touching the outside of my walls. I didn't process the fact that I had limbs again for some time. I checked in with my timer at the back of my mind. I kicked again in surprise. Was I seriously sleeping and thinking for about four and a half months? Shit man. If I kept this up, I'd be born in no time. I was brought out of my musings when I heard what sounded like noise. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I heard something. My ears are still developing.
The noise I heard kinda sounds like a voice. I think. Is that singing? Music? Is that my new mother? Or a CD? A concert maybe? No. Why would a pregnant woman go to a concert? That isn't wise. So a CD or my new mother. If there's music I don't think it could be her, or is my new father a musician? That'd be cool. I always wanted to learn how to play an instrument. Singing is cool and all, but actually playing along while singing is better. I never had the time to learn, unfortunately.
[ Alone. Alleyway. Only six. Crying. Mumbles. Hiccups. Singing. Calm down calm down calm downcalmdowncalmdown- ]
There was another pressure on my walls but this one was bigger. A man, definitely. Is it my new father? What if it's someone else!? Is mother okay!? No, calm down. Everything is going to be fine. God, I'm such a fucking child. I'm over thirty for hell's sake! Tentatively, I kicked where the pressure was. Nothing happened but I oddly felt happy. Are these my mom's hormones? Doesn't matter. If it is, nice to know she's happy.
There were smooth circular motions on the walls that surrounded me. I fell asleep to them with a smile for what seemed like the first time. I wonder how much time would have past next I wake up?
About five months. That's how much. Can you fucking believe that? I'm finally gonna be born! This is sort of exciting but, also worrying. There are so many things that can go wrong. What if my mother dies while I live? And then dad turns alcoholic and blames me! And then I get abused and sold! Though I'm sure I can survive if that happened, my child body wouldn't be strong enough. Or what if both my parents are abusive? What if they hoped for a boy?, but I disappoint them by being a girl? Oh hell no...what if I'm born as a boy!?
I began cursing at every god there is if they so much as let me be born as a boy. Apparently, they heard me and wanted me to shut the fuck up. The once comfortable walls pushed against me. I panicked, naturally, because who the fuck wouldn't? Then I calmed down when I realized, holy shit I'm actually being fucking born! I couldn't dwell in that thought for long as I began to move.
The walls pushing me towards the exit. The shifting of my body to make sure I come head first out. In a way, it seemed to be the comforting darkness' friendly way of saying, "Get the fuck out bitch, bye." I complied, as much as I could with having absolutely no motor skills. My head felt like it was reshaping to fit the exit. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever felt. When I seemed to finally exit, I felt naked and cold. Well, no fucking duh Anna. You were just fucking born.
The cold was uncomfortable and I shivered. I didn't make a sound upon finally being born which I knew isn't really a good thing in the doctor's eyes. I should have cried when I could. Instead, I felt my baby bottom get slapped. Can you fucking believe that pedophilia? And in front of my parents! I cried out in pain and anger. My new body did not have the pain tolerance I did before. Then I was wrapped in a warm blanket. If this is their way of apologizing, they're not forgiven. I felt myself being passed around until I stopped in a woman's arms. She felt familiar. Must be my new mother then.
With the butchered hearing I have, I tried to figure out where I was born by the language. I couldn't catch much. Though, it soundly vaguely like Japanese? I tried to pry my eyes open. A difficult task let me tell you. I have almost no control over my body. When I did open my eyes though, everything was super blurry. I looked to see my mother. All I saw was a blonde blob of color and some green in the middle. So, blonde and green eyes? I wonder if I'll have her hair? What if I get my father's features but my mother's structure?
A bigger blur appeared to the side. It was a man, I recognized. He seemed to wrap an arm around mother. Was this my father? He was a magenta blur with two small blue blurs. Heh, they kinda remind me of the parents of this one anime character. Weird. Ah, they're talking now. I can't fucking understand them! Damn it. I'm gonna have to learn a whole new fucking language and how to read and write and just...ugh!
"...Haruno..." I faintly heard. Is that a name? It sounds so familiar too. "...Sakura..." Now isn't that funny. They said the name of the pink freak from that one anime I watched. Weird.
"Haruno Sakura." They said it again. They're looking at me. Oh. Oh please no. Please don't tell me...
"Sakura," My mother coos down at me.
No.
Nuh-uh.
Nope.
Please, no.
I wanted hell! Not this! I didn't think I could face this kind of hell! Fuck!
I don't want to be reborn as the pink freak from Naruto! Fuck you Heaven and Hell Representatives in suits! Fuck you!