Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait! Enjoy!

Jake blinks, looking down at the hands gently holding his wrists, thumbs caressing the pulse points in each. His mind is racing, trying to understand what this meant for him. The concept seemed so simple and yet it didn't make any sense in his befuddled brain.

Tsu'tey... Tsu'tey said that he was beautiful. This word that he, unprompted, said on multiple occasions... meant that he thought Jake was beautiful? Why..? Why would he have said that?

Jake's heart is racing in his chest. His mind whirling trying to understand what that could mean. Him? Beautiful? That doesn't seem right at all. He couldn't mean Tommy... so why would he..? Why would he say something that he doesn't mean? Unless, he does mean it. Then... then...

"You think... I'm beautiful?" Jake asks, looking at Tsu'tey with a slight wrinkle between his eyes. It just didn't add up. Jake? Beautiful? He didn't even think that Tommy was beautiful - appearance wise, but that was for good reason. He knew his brother was beautiful in other ways - everyone could see it. But Jake? No, Jake wasn't right.

Tsu'tey nods, a crooked smile pulling at the corner of his lips. "I do."

"No one has ever felt that way about me before," Jake admits, his eyes flicking to meet Tsu'tey's before lowering to his nose. His tail twitches a bit in a little swirl, his conflicting emotions making it hard to decide how he feels about all of this. Tsu'tey watches the motion with interest.

"I don't understand this," Tsu'tey admits. "You are very beautiful."

Beautiful was a foreign thought to him. That anyone would think that he was such a precious thing. But there was something that was familiar to beautiful that made some sense to Jake. And it was Connor. Connor thought that Tommy was very attractive. Beautiful isn't the same, Jake guesses, but there is a cultural difference for sure between the Na'vi and humans. Between Connor and Tsu'tey. Something more than oceans and culture separates them. The stars, the vastness of space, even evolution separates the two from one another. Maybe it is more common for the term beautiful to be used by the Na'vi than attractive is. Or the Na'vi equivalent to the word, at least.

If that's true, then it must mean the same thing. And if that's true... then Tsu'tey wants the same thing from Jake that Connor wanted from Tommy?

Jake's heart leaps up into a gallop in his chest as he brings himself to carefully meet Tsu'tey's golden eyes with his own. "Tsu'tey?"

"Yes, Jake?"

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

Confusion first, flickers across his face, as he tries to understand the words. Then, Tsu'tey jolts, eyes widening. "You - ? You want to..." he struggles, suddenly flustered as if trying to find the right word. "You want to mate, Jake? With me?"

It makes no difference to Jake what it was called. To mate? To have sex? Jake still wanted to know. He wanted to feel it. He wanted to know that... that thing that alludes him. He was okay with Connor because Connor was okay with him - and they couldn't accidently get each other pregnant. And, well, Jake didn't think Connor would hurt him.

And Tsu'tey... Tsu'tey wouldn't hurt him. Jake feels more and more certain of it as time goes by. Tsu'tey was different from all of the others. Tsu'tey was a thing that never happened to Jake before. And any time that Tsu'tey scared him, he also soothed him. Eased the pain and the fear and the uncertainty. A balm, something precious that Jake desperately clung to, even as he tried not to for fear of losing the other teen.

Jake shrugs his shoulders, deceptively nonchalant despite the whirlwind of emotions coiling like angry vipers in his chest. "If you don't want to, I understand." And he does. As interested as he is, he can very much understand why someone else wouldn't be interested in him.

Tsu'tey squeezes his hands, drawing his eyes - that he hadn't realized dropped to their feet, with Jake having five toes on each foot and Tsu'tey having only four - back up to the older teen's. One of Tsu'tey's hands is feather light as it runs up his arm, over his shoulder to cup the side of his neck and jaw. This gentle look that makes something warm in Jake's chest and stomach crosses the older teen's face. It helps sooth the monsoon in his gut, if only just a little bit.

"We cannot bond until you are recognized as part of the clan, but we can mate without tsahaylu," he murmurs softly. He's studying Jake's expression, almost too intensely. "If that is what you want."

Jake nods, suddenly equal parts nervous and anxious. The man who raised him wasn't here to hurt him. To be angry for him trying to see. Wanting to feel that connection with someone. And why couldn't it be Tsu'tey? He wasn't as scared of Tsu'tey - in fact, he very much liked Tsu'tey. He... almost trusted that Tsu'tey wouldn't hurt him. Leave him, sure, everyone was bound to. But hurt him? Physically? No, he was feeling more and more secure in that Tsu'tey wouldn't hurt him. Wouldn't grab his hair or punch his face or kick his stomach.

No... No, Tsu'tey would never hurt him like that.

"Have you ever had sex with someone before?" Jake asks, keeping his voice low.

Tsu'tey nods. "Have you?"

Jake shakes his head. "No. Not in either body," he admits. Tsu'tey's tail gives a little flick. "I... I don't want it to hurt, okay?"

Tsu'tey frowns, confused by that. "It should not. There is never to be pain." Then, a look flickers over his face, as a thought occurred to him. Expression hardening, he asks, "Have other potential mates tried to hurt you?" Potential mates? No, he doesn't have any of those. Only Connor. And Connor didn't hurt him. That man di-

"No," Jake mumbles, eyes lowering to their feet again. The soft sounds of the forest help to lull him a bit into a sense of security. "I just... back on Earth, I tried with this boy. He... we didn't get very far before he had to go home. I just... I want to know... I want to know what that feels like."

Tsu'tey tilts his head as Jake's cheeks flush in embarrassment. But he doesn't seem to be put off, carefully watching Jake's face for his reactions. "Know what? Explain it to me, Jake. What feels like? Mating?" He shifts closer, that other hand gently ghosting up to cradle his face, as if it was something so precious. He knows Tsu'tey wouldn't hurt him. He treats Jake like this. Why would he ever hurt Jake?

Jake shrugs, flushing harder. He was fine a moment ago but now all this talking is making him progressively more flustered. Connor had not been all that interested in talking beyond initially agreeing to having sex, when, and where. There really isn't a need for anything else. But Tsu'tey wanted more. Was it because Jake was asking too much? Was he ruining all of this before it even began? What if he was making Tsu'tey uncomfortable enough to want to not be his friend anymore? What if he leaves him and tells Mo'at that he should never be allowed back? What if -

"Jake," Tsu'tey says softly, pressing his forehead to the distressed teen. "I can see you starting to panic. Whatever you say will not change us. Make me not want this." His nose nuzzles lightly against Jake's. A jolt shoots up his spine.

At first, Jake is scared to push the boundary. He doesn't want Tsu'tey to leave him. The closest thing he's ever had to a friend. Maybe the closest thing that he ever will. The last thing he wants is to chase him away. And while the desire to know the feeling went away for a time, it has always been there, lurking, even here. But Jake was a minor. One of two. And he wasn't going to seek out an adult to help him. And he hadn't even thought about anyone else - seeing as the only other person was literally his twin, that wasn't ever going to happen - so he had been content to wonder but never seek it out with anyone here on Pandora.

And while he preferred men, simply because the idea of getting his partner pregnant makes him physically ill, men were also a source of great fear for him. He realistically knew that either he was going to have to find a workaround for not getting a girl pregnant, either learn to get over his fear of men long enough to see the intercourse through to the end - or hide it long enough - or his only other option would be to accept that Connor was his one and only chance. And he blew it. And the chance of knowing is gone forever.

And yet, here he is, months later, offered the same chance. But everything is so much better! He is not here. Tsu'tey is Jake's friend, unlike Connor. And... well, Tsu'tey, even with the few short years that separate them, isn't scary to Jake. They could do this. He could do this, if he wasn't so scared. Suddenly the fear of doing something wrong or upsetting Tsu'tey enough to leave him is almost too much for Jake to take. He had made the offer, and Tsu'tey hasn't said no, but he hasn't said yes either. What would Jake do if Tsu'tey didn't want to be friends with him anymore because of this? Because Jake was being selfish?

Jake feels sick.

Tsu'tey nuzzles him again, the action spearing through the dark terror carving away at Jake's chest, and grins that beautiful grin when Jake shivers at the motion. "How is your skin, Jake? Still hurt?"

Jake pauses. Yes, it hurts, but not nearly as bad as it had been days before. It was still sensitive but nothing too crazy. Nothing that he hopefully couldn't ignore.

"It's... okay..."

Tsu'tey's hands ghost down his arms, then across his ribs, dipping a bit between each bone as over the course of his time here, they have filled out more and more, across his waist to settle on his hips. The touch is so light, yet his skin is prickling. Almost too much to be passable. He shivers, breath shaky, as he presses his forehead harder against Tsu'tey's. This, he liked this. Even if the touch made his ears tingle a little, he did like this.

Tsu'tey hums softly, leaning into him. "We shall take it slow, okay? Move at our pace."

Jake nods slowly, that coil of anxiety loosening a bit. He waited this long already. And maybe, seeing as Tsu'tey isn't angry at him, he doesn't have to be so anxious. Tsu'tey would say if something was wrong, wouldn't he? Unless he doesn't want to have sex with Jake and was just using this "take it slow" things as a way to defer until Jake loses interest. It that's the case, Jake doesn't so much mind.

Tsu'tey has always been kinder to Jake than the other teen has deserved.

"I don't want you to go," Tsu'tey quietly admits, as has become ritual for them every time that Jake leaves to go back to his life at Hell's Gate. He curls up on his side in his little sleeping pod after dinner with the clan, stomach full and body warm as he looks up at the other teen leaning over him a bit with big golden eyes.

"I know," Jake murmurs softly. He curls up as small as he can and closes his eye to transfer back.

Trevor was there when he woke pushed the lid up from his bed. The young man smiled that unnerving smile, to which Jake tentatively tipped his head in response. The young man talked his ear off - which is what gave Jake the time to actually recall what his name was - while he got set up at his computer. Grace didn't at all seem surprised that Trevor was there or even bothered - unlike Jake - but shooed him away once Jake was settled to give his recollection of the day, to his relief. He took some time, though, to think about what he was going to say, waiting to turn on the recording until after Trevor had waved to them and left for the night, leaving Jake and Grace alone as had been their usual.

Even though Jake could see Grace still working a few computers away in relative silence, going through her notes and updating whatever she saw fit, she didn't press Jake into talking. He sat there for a time, just trying to organize his thoughts, wondering what he could say. What he should say. He didn't do a whole lot today - at least, not a lot worth mentioning - but he felt like he had a lot to say. He just didn't know if he had the words for it. Or if Grace and Max would at all be comfortable to hear any of it. Because he just knows that they listen afterwards. Not that Grace doesn't already know it all, sitting right there, always listening.

He moves the cursor over the record button, before hesitating to click on it, still apprehensive on how to move forward.

"Grace?" He dares to call out.

She glances over at him, and he meets her eyes through her reflection on his screen. "Yes?"

"These recordings are only for things that I've learned from the Omatikaya, right? Nothing else?"

Grace turns to face him a little, her dark eyes piercing through the back of his head, considering her next words carefully. "No, Jake. They aren't just for that. You can use them to talk about anything. Whatever you want. Living with the Omatikaya is very thought provoking. It doesn't just have to be about the day to day. It can be about all sorts of things."

Jake sat there for a long time, long after Grace went back to her work, still considering what to say before finally clicking the record and, with his eyes stuck to the tabletop, he spoke, "I think I had a panic attack last night."

Grace's typing stops. Jake tries not to focus on that.

"In my dreams, I went there, to Hometree. To the Avatar. I was so lost, so confused. Tsu'tey just... held me as I panicked. As it felt like the whole world was crumbling around me. Was I lost? Was I stuck there forever? What would happen if I couldn't go back to my real body? I panicked. But he held me. And... she sang. Through the atokirina, the Great Mother sang. It wasn't so much a song with words, as it was like a humming. But it wasn't like her heartbeat, something I could just barely hear at the edge of my hearing, but like the wind carried it from the atokirina to me. It took some time, but... but she made it go away. The panic, the fear. Her, and Tsu'tey. And Mo'at too."

Jake frowns, trying to organize his thoughts. "'You are very loved,' she said. Why would Mo'at say that? Why would the Goddess of another planet care at all to make me feel better? It doesn't make any sense. I think... maybe I imagined it? Maybe it was someone else humming and I just thought... I don't know. Mo'at doesn't seem to understand. She seems to think that there is more to me, but she's wrong. I'm sc... I'm scared for the day she realizes that." He lifts numb hands onto the desk, looking at the smattering of scars building there from wounds he doesn't remembering getting.

He sighs, shaking his head. "I fell asleep and went I opened my eyes; I was back in my bed. After working with Colonel in the morning and making my jump back into the Avatar, Mo'at and Tsu'tey were waiting for me in her hut. I guess Tsu'tey brought me there after the Avatar dropped like a log. Mo'at tried to tell me that I needed to spend more time there - Hometree to learn more of their ways, not her hut - but relented when I told her that I couldn't. After that, Tsu'tey, Neytiri and Sylwanin brought me out to the lake near Hometree. They wanted to surprise me with doing my hair. Said it would better connect me to the Omatikaya."

Jake flushes, suddenly embarrassed. "I guess it looked nice. All the braids and all the little things they put in it. But they worked on my comprehension for the language. Making small talk and asking simple questions. I'm getting better at understanding what they are saying but speaking it myself is still really hard. I know I butchered the words. Tsu'tey and Sylwanin were really nice about it, but I could tell Neytiri was struggling with how bad I was at it. But they didn't complain, and I didn't want them to. I'm trying, so I hope that they notice that much."

"After we were done, we headed back to Hometree - " Jake stops, hands closing into fists. Did he want to talk about his conversation with Tsu'tey? That felt like that would open up so much more than he was ready to talk about. Even in the thin veil of mock privacy, the words didn't feel safe outside of his own head. And that information felt... private. Well, sure, it is private. But it felt like something that until Jake knew more, should stay between him and Tsu'tey. Maybe he would speak on it later, when he better understood, but for now, he wouldn't. Talking about Tsu'tey meant talking about Connor which meant talking about the man that raised him, and he wasn't ready for any of that. He just wanted to keep living in this ignorant bubble, where if he didn't think about it, boxed it up as small as he could and placed it as far back into his mind as possible, he didn't have to acknowledge that it was there. That anything at all ever happened to him.

It was just easier that way.

"I learned a new word today," Jake says instead. He wraps his arms around himself, smiling lightly. "The Na'vi word narlor. It..." he smiles a little bit more. "It means beautiful."

In the weeks that followed, Grace would gently ask him about his dreams, if he'd had any more like the one that he spoke of, but he hadn't. He couldn't tell if she was happy about that or not, and he didn't want to ask. It had been so scary at the time, and while he was happy for it to never happen again, it had happened twice now, so that can't mean nothing. But like with all things that were hard, Jake didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to offer it more than it was already given. It never helped him, but he always liked to live in his little bubble.

And in that same time, while juggling getting closer to Quaritch and Lyle, enjoying their playful banter, Lyle's new cuisine creations, and Quaritch's incessant need to get to know Jake better. And in his efforts, Jake is learning more about himself too. He enjoys this time together. The three of them - Fike sometimes, who is the only of Quaritch's men that is closest in age to him and a tentative acquaintance since he got to Pandora - and sometimes some of the others. Those that got close enough to be in Quaritch's immediate retinue. A few - Walker, Mansk, Z - but there were others with a strange relationship to the Colonel. Like Paz.

She's very nice to Jake. She seems to be trying to endear herself to him. He doesn't understand why that is, but she's not overstepped his boundaries, which he's thankful for. And even though she's a soldier like the rest of Quaritch's retinue, there is just something off about her that Jake simply can't place. Like an unspoken connection between her and the Colonel that he can't explain. Maybe it's the way they talk to one another? Or perhaps, how they speak to each other. The words aren't so much the same, but maybe in how they say it? Or perhaps it's a mix of both. The way they say it and how they look at one another when they do.

There was a thought that kept nagging at the back of his mind. A connection there that he didn't put into words. He offered it less than a thought, not allowing it to fully form.

Whatever it may be, it was most certainly one thing - not his business.

And after that, when he would go beyond Hell's Gate, to the beautiful forest and to Hometree, Jake would be with the sisters, and with Tsu'tey. Tsu'tey, who was always so close. And though little has changed with all of them; the lessons, the attempts at all hours to feed his avatar until the dip of his stomach is pressing out more and more until it's almost level with his ribs. While he's picking up the language slowly but surely, he is becoming more familiar with customs and with his own body. How hard he can push it, what it can do. Learning to let more than just his mind dictate his actions, his movement.

True to his word, Tsu'tey took it slow. So very slow, that it is only with hindsight, that Jake even noticed the stolen touches. The gentle caress of his arm, a ghosting touch along his back, fingers lightly resting on his waist, and the forehead. Oh, how Jake melted into the press on his forehead. Jake didn't usually make eye contact - couldn't bring himself to - but there was something about how close they could be to one another. This intense feeling that Jake was growing obsessed with. This feeling, this closeness. It's like a drug and Jake's not sure if he's going to be able to go long without a fix anymore.

And for the first time in so long... possibly ever, Jake feels... connected.

He was with Mo'at and the clan chief, Olo'eyktan Eytukan, her mate, and Tsu'tey. Mo'at wanted to show him the heart of Eywa.

It happens, sometimes. When Jake hits his highs, he's able to live peacefully. Beneath the radar. But content in his own way. He slid by unnoticed by his teachers in school and the man who raised him. He was happy to watch from the sidelines as Tommy succeeded in everything that he set his mind to, and for the most part, his dreams were filled with an emptiness that brought him comfort, simply for the lack of fear. And that was when he could sleep. Those times allowing it easier than others.

But then, there was times, when he wasn't high, or luke-warm, but low. Very, very low. And sometimes, they hit him so hard, so fast, that he doesn't know how to function. When they first stared, as a preteen, Jake got in trouble in school for skipping classes, simply because he didn't have the strength to even get out of bed. So, he would miss days on end. Then the man who raised him taught him a very firm lesson on what happens if his teachers were to ever call him out of work for an emergency meeting. He had to learn how to get up and function, even as it felt like he was rotting away from the inside. He hated every part of himself more than any other time. He couldn't stand his flesh, his blood, his bones. Everything was designed as a slight against his senses and his sense of self.

In those times, Jake became self-destructive. He would carve into his flesh. Stop eating. Even isolate himself from Tommy. When he went that low, he crashed, scrapping against the bottom. The ascension wasn't always easy to feel. He wouldn't really know he was having a high most of the time until after he felt the drop.

He hadn't had one of these since before coming to Pandora, so when he woke up one morning, a few days ago and felt the drop, he wasn't sure what was going to happen. He avoided Tommy and Norm for breakfast, which was unusual as of late, but not so out of the norm that his brother went looking for him, in favor of lying in bed unmoving until the very last minute. Even then, he was late getting to Quaritch's office, to which the man had made note of when he walked in, not in anger, but surprise. For all his faults, Jake was usually pretty punctual. Jake just made noncommittal sounds and kept silent the whole day. No matter how much Quaritch poked and prodded to get something out of him, Jake remained near mute. Even when Lyle stopped by for lunch, Jake took a single bite of his meal before he resumed staring at the same sheet of paper he's been looking at since he walked in the door that very morning.

Jake didn't want to get into his avatar once lunch was over and Lyle offered to package it up for him to have at dinner instead. Jake just shrugged at him and contemplated going back to his room to rest. It was in the drops that he usually got the most sleep - probably because he never did anything else. Or at least, he tried to. He passed it off well enough where he could, but it would only take one conversation - or lack thereof - with Tommy for his younger brother to know that Jake was in the middle of one of his drops.

Not that there was anything either of them could do other than wait it out.

But, as luck would have it, this day Grace met him at the end of his shift with Quaritch to drag him off to the other side of the facility for his jump. Grace talked the whole way, excitedly about something that she had been discussing with Mo'at, but his brain was in too intense a fog to even attempt to pay her words any mind. He doesn't know if they planned it or not but honestly didn't care to ask. Simply didn't have the mental fortitude to even ask.

There was no way for Mo'at to know. Or for Tsu'tey to. But as soon as Jake opened his eyes in his Avatar body, he spent so long just lying there, unmoving. Even as he heard Neytiri and Tsu'tey talking over his head, eagerly, waiting for him to show up. His ears felt like they were filled with foam, but it was nice to just... listen. To hear and feel the peace of Hometree without any expectation of interacting.

But all good things come to an end, and once Neytiri noticed he was awake, she greeted him before saying goodbye and heading off.

Tsu'tey, though, took one long look at him, grinning face faltering, before falling completely. No matter his gentle insistences, he couldn't get Jake to talk either. Mo'at and Eytukan studied him curiously when Tsu'tey led him to them, hand wrapped protectively around Jake's forearm. Even in his avatar, he couldn't stomach anything. Just looking at food made him sick, and even at Mo'at's, and Tsu'tey's, gentle insistence, Jake only managed a bite or two of some meat before simply throwing it all back up. Jake wanted to go back to Hell's Gate, begged Mo'at. He was too tired, even contemplated just closing his eyes and letting his avatar be their problem, but Tsu'tey... oh, sweet Tsu'tey just kept pressing his forehead into Jake's. Holding his hand. Murmuring something so low and too fast for him to understand.

Then, Mo'at and Eytukan, with sever expressions on both of their faces, led Jake and Tsu'tey into the forest. Jake was so down, he couldn't even be anxious around the stern-face Olo'eyktan, that was slowly growing on him. It was a struggle to get Jake through the forest. Mo'at and Eytukan had to keep stopping to look back at him, and Tsu'tey never left his side, always holding him close, before eventually, they led him deeper and deeper into a darkening path, down into a cave, the walls glowing with the fungus and the moss and all the critters that made it their home. But as they went deeper, the roots that burrowed into the rock became thicker and more intertwined.

And then, they were there.

Utraya Mokri, Tsu'tey had called it. The Tree of Voices.

It was there, under the protective, watchful gazes of the Tsahik and the Olo'eyktan of the Omatikaya, as well as their chosen heir, that Jake was persuaded to make tsahaylu for the first time. It was meant to connect him to all those that were with Eywa. Those that had passed. He could hear them through her. Be connected to those he loved and lost. But there would be no one waiting for him. Because anyone that Jake would have known that had died all did so on Earth. Here, he would only hear the voices of strangers.

It was there, that for the first time, he heard Her voice.

Her voice wasn't a sound that could be described. Her voice was all things. Raspy and wispy. Strong and soft. Firm and gentle. Close and so impossibly far. She spoke with a thousand voices, all saying different things. But each word - although not even really words - was laced with something greater. An emotion, a thought, wrapped up in a single syllable. Yet ever second of it fit so perfectly in Jake's mind. Such a thing should destroy someone. Like an omnipotent being should do in all the movies and stories, Her words should have made Jake's brain melt out of his ears. Or drive him mad. Yet, it didn't.

It just broke him.

Jake came back to himself, after an eternity and a moment, to Tsu'tey holding him in his arms as he sobbed. Atokirina settled all around them and the purple light of the Tree of Voices taking on a blindingly bright, iridescent hue. His skin was tingling so badly that he wanted to pull away from Tsu'tey's solid embrace but couldn't bring himself to part with the anchoring feeling he got from his friend. Jake's skin shined, the patterns along his flesh a brilliant white, and his bioluminescent freckles like the stars against the dark blue of his body's sky.

And it was after Tsu'tey helped lug his lethargic body back to Hometree with Mo'at and Eytukan there to watch over them, that Jake just let himself heave out a massive sigh, exhausted from crying and the weight of what happened to him at the Tree of Voices. He still couldn't eat, but he did lay down, resting his head on Tsu'tey's thigh. And for the first time, Jake fell asleep in his avatar body. He dreamed of a disembodied voice speaking a thousand words that meant everything in the universe and yet weren't words at all. But the message was all the same:

Welcome Home.

And after a short nap, Jake awakened. He was still in his avatar's body, but as he stared into the fire, feeling Tsu'tey's hand run over the skin of his arm, down his rubs to his waist and back up in a gentle, repetitive motion that eased Jake back into a slumber that would pull him back into his human body back at Hell's Gate, it was then that he realized as he drifted off once more, that his skin no longer hurt.