Authors Note: I just rewatched CSI and these two captured me all over again and then this scene just started living in my brain. I always felt like something was missing from the end of the episode, like the scene in the layout room was a loose thread that just got dropped. I had to write it out and here it is for you all to share. I haven't written in a long time so I hope it came out well.
"Do what you need to do."
The words had been repeating in his head over and over since Sara had said them hours ago. She'd been upset with him, angry, he knew she had the right to be, he'd known before he'd walked into that room that she was going to be unhappy. It hadn't occurred to him until he had been walking through the corridor of the lab that his actions might have affected her. He hadn't even considered her when he had made the decision to spend the night with Heather Kessler. When Brass and Catherine had found him there the next morning, he'd been amused by their reactions, enjoyed it even. Then he had gone about his day like it didn't matter.
That was until he had been walking through the lab and seen two of the lab techs talking quietly and glancing over at him. Rumors had begun to circulate, he had almost smirked at the lab gossip train, running efficiently as always. Then it had hit him, his footsteps had faltered for a moment before he continued to walk to his office like realization hadn't hit him as hard as the lab gossip train had probably hit her.
Sara.
She must have heard the gossip by now, there was no way she hadn't heard about him spending the night with Heather. He was sure she would understand, that she would know he wouldn't betray her the way the lab gossip probably suggested. She would know he was just being there for a friend, except he'd never really explained his friendship with Heather to Sara, and he knew that rumors had long suggested he and Heather had a physical relationship. He'd gone in search of her, finding her in the layout room as Catherine had been leaving.
She was unhappy. Sara was easy to read much of the time, she wore her heart on her sleeve, a trait that had always concerned him and drawn him to her. When she was hurt though, she could ice a person out so thoroughly they'd get frost bite. He'd felt the start of that as he stood there, explaining but not really explaining his choices.
"Do what you need to do."
He heard the words again as he got out of the car. It was so rare that Sara would go back to her own apartment these days, she was always at his place, she'd even moved her plants over there so they wouldn't die. She hadn't been at his place though he could see a few signs that she had been there at some point.
He reached her door, knocking even though he had a key. When she opened it her face was expressionless, the freeze was still ongoing.
"May I come in?" he asked when she didn't speak.
"Why?" she asked after a moment where he was certain she was considering closing the door in his face. Had he really messed up so badly? She had to know that nothing had happened between him and Heather, surely?
"To talk."
There was another long moment before she stepped back. He took a few tentative steps past her, stepping into the apartment enough that she could close the door. The blinds were closed throughout the apartment, he could make out the morning light seeping through, she'd been preparing to sleep. When was the last time she had slept here?
"Do you want something to drink?" she asked, moving further into the apartment.
"No," he said, trying to read her, trying to understand.
"I'm tired Gil, so please just say what you need to say."
"Do what you need to do."
"I know you're unhappy with me," he began watching her every move, her reactions, he couldn't read her. "You must know that whatever the rumors might say, that nothing happened last night with me and Heather."
The mask cracked, the smallest bit and only for a moment but it was enough for him to see, it wasn't anger, or it wasn't only anger, it was hurt.
"I know that," she said, her voice quiet.
"Then why?"
"Did you think about calling me?" she asked, "When I was sitting at your place waiting for you and you decided to spend the night with her, did you even think to call me and let me know where you were, what you were doing? A text message even? At least then I wouldn't have had to walk into work and be blindsided by everyone talking about you and Lady Heather spending the night together. I might have been able to avoid some of the more descriptive rumors about what you two were getting up to. Maybe I could have been a bit more prepared when people asked me what I thought you were up to last night."
"I'm sorry," he said, "You're right, I should have let you know, I didn't think…"
"You never do," she said, the words almost seeming to slip out without her intending to say them. She sighed, the mask cracked a little more. It was hurt behind it, hurt and disappointment and… fear."
"Heather is my friend, she needed someone and I wanted to be there for her," he tried to explain but Sara shook her head, her expression the one she always wore when he wasn't getting something.
"I don't even pretend to understand your friendship with Heather Kessler, mostly because you've never talked about it, but do you really think this is about you choosing to help a friend?"
"I don't know," he replied, the further he got into this conversation the less he understood it.
"God Gil," she looked up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to contain whatever it was that she was feeling. When she looked back at him again it was clear she had failed to do so, her hurt and fear was plain to see.
"We just had this conversation when you chose to take a sabbatical and leave for four weeks and didn't tell me until a couple of days before you left. I told you then, I wanted you to take the sabbatical, I wanted you to enjoy the time away but you never considered me, us, when you were making your decisions, talking to me about it, letting me know your plans was never a part of it," she tried to explain, he recalled the conversation vividly. "You don't consider me when you do things Gil, I'm just not part of the equation."
"Of course you are," he tried to say but realized as he said it, that even though she most certainly was a part of the equation, he hadn't in the moment he'd decided to stay at Heather's, taken that part into account.
"Catherine thinks she's perfect for you," she said suddenly, "That she challenges you."
You challenge me, endlessly. He thought but instead chose to say. "I wouldn't consider Catherine's thoughts on my love life to be all that accurate."
Sara almost smiled, almost. "I went to your place tonight after I got off shift. I waited there and you didn't come back… again and there was no message from you and I didn't want to be an afterthought again, I didn't want to be sitting there waiting for you."
"You're not an afterthought," he told her though he realized that she was right, she hadn't been a thought at all, not in the way she should have been. He thought about her all the time, of course he did, but he hadn't thought about including her in his decision.
She shook her head again, "Do you want this?" she asked and he felt a moment of panic as she spoke, had he really messed this up so badly? "Do you actually want me to be a part of your life because I would rather know now than let this get any further…"
"I do," it was his turn to cut her off because he couldn't let her get any deeper into that line of thinking than he had already pushed her. "I would never have started this if I didn't. I'm sorry that I didn't call you, you're right, I should have. I know I don't always get this right, in fact it seems like I get a lot of it wrong but that's never because I don't want this. You make me happy Sara."
She was quiet again, there was nothing but the sounds of their breathing and some footsteps from her upstairs neighbor for what felt to him like an eternity. "I don't need you to get it all right Gil, I don't get it all right, I just need to be…" she trailed off and sighed.
"You just need to be part of the equation," he finished for her, using her earlier words and she nodded. "You're always part of the equation, even if I have sometimes neglected that part. I'll do better."
The mask was gone now, the ice thawed and he felt warm relief run through him as she stepped into him wrapping her arms around his neck. He tightened his arms around her, holding onto her as he breathed her in. "I'm sorry," he said again.
She pulled back, just enough that she could look him in the eyes for a moment. "I love you."
He kissed her, the words never came quite as easily for him as they did for her. He'd said them a few times but they rarely felt like enough, they just didn't capture the depth of what he felt for her, a depth that sometimes frightened him. The kiss escalated, as it so often did, she moaned, his own mouth capturing the sound. He walked her backwards until she pressed against the wall, his hands exploring lower until they pulled at her shirt, found her skin.
"Where's Hank?" she mumbled against his lips, he'd never been more grateful that he had a dog sitter that loved his dog.
"Sitter's keeping him a few more hours," he replied as he moved his lips to her neck, finding the spot that always got a reaction from her. She moaned again, a hand clutching his hair, her body arching toward his. He picked her up, carried her to the bedroom and made sure she understood just how much a part of the equation she was.