Universe Falls

by MiniJen

What if, instead of Beach City, the Crystal Gems had settled down in a little backwoods town just west of weird? What if, upon coming to Gravity Falls for the summer, Dipper and Mabel were to befriend Steven and Connie? How would they fare against the combined threats of merciless Homeworld Gems and a certain triangular demon? (REWRITTEN!)

13. Irrational Treasure

Back at it with a chapter that, originally, wasn't supposed to be all that different from the old UF version of it until I had an ephiphany that I honestly think resulted in some pretty fun shakeups here. So get ready to celebrate Pioneer Day as we dive right in!

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Chapter 12: Irrational Treasure

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For as small of a town as Gravity Falls was, it usually didn't take very long for Stan to head in, finish any errands he needed to get done, and head out. For today's quick trip to the grocery store, he decided to bring Dipper and Mabel along with him. A decision he soon came to regret upon getting caught up in traffic for what seemed like the tenth time in a row.

Even so, the twins hardly minded the delay as they shared some nachos in the back seat. Mabel helped herself to two chips, fixing them to the studs on her ears to invent an entirely new type of jewelry altogether.

"Nacho earrings!" she proudly proclaimed, laughing. "I'm hilarious!"

"That's debatable," Stan sneered. His aggravation only spiked as he found himself forced to slam on his car's breaks yet again. "Come on, what's with all this traffic?! And why is it all… covered wagons?" He paled in sudden horror as he watched a horse-drawn wagon slowly pass by. "Oh no," he panicked, throwing the car into reverse. "No! No! Not today!"

"Grunkle Stan, what's going on?" Dipper asked, gripping his seat tightly against Stan's frantic driving.

Stan didn't answer. He was far too focused on trying to peel out of town as quickly as possible. "We gotta get out of here before it's too late!" Unfortunately, his escape attempt was soon halted as another wagon rolled in to block the road right behind him. "They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooo!"

Sure enough, the car was completely surrounded by the wagons and their riders, all clad in 19th century attire. As the twins peered out the window, it was as though they'd somehow entered another era entirely. And as perplexed as Dipper was by that, Mabel simply smiled over at the cow standing only a few inches away from her window. "I have a good feeling about today!"

Stan had no choice but to admit defeat and park the car, knowing they'd be getting nowhere fast in it. As the Pines began heading down Main Street on foot, they were able to get a first-hand look at its old-fashioned facelift. Most traces of modernity had been stripped away, replaced by what looked like an authentic frontier town. Still, despite the wooden stalls and makeshift teepees, there was an air of festivity in the air, with banners and flags flying high and crowds taking part in a variety of archaic activities from basket weaving to spoon whittling.

"Ugh, it's Pioneer Day," Stan explained, rolling his eyes. "Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded."

"Welcome to 1863!" Toby Determined brightly exclaimed as he walked past the Pines.

"I will break you, little man!" Stan threatened, frightening Toby enough to chase him off.

"Grunkle Stan, what's so bad about Pioneer Day anyway?" Dipper asked. "It seems harmless enough."

"Yeah, and look at all the old-timey cool stuff you can do!" Mabel added, pointing out a handful of festival booths. "Candle dipping, gold panning, and-" She stopped short upon spotting a man who was being officially married to a woodpecker. "And… that, I guess."

"Oh yeah. I remember reading about this," Dipper said, recalling it from a passage in the journal. "Apparently it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers in Gravity Falls."

"Oh it's still legal," the man said as he passed by with his new woodpecker bride. "Very legal."

"See what I mean? This holiday brings out the crazy in everyone in Gravity Falls," Stan crossed his arms. "And that's saying something considering how crazy everyone in this town is already."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but we actually agree with you on this one, Stan."

The Pines turned to find the Gems arriving. Steven and Connie followed not too far behind, both far more excited and intrigued than the Gems were by the surrounding festivities.

"Oh, come on, you guys!" Steven exclaimed. "Pioneer Day is great! It's like we've stepped into some weird alternate dimension where people ride horses instead of cars and don't bathe! You gotta admit that's pretty cool."

"Uh, Steven? It's not so much that we stepped into an… alternate dimension then that we stepped back in time," Connie corrected, smirking. "Not literally, of course, but still."

"Whoa… Still cool!"

"Ugh, Pioneer Day isn't cool, Steven, it's lame," Amethyst groaned. "Can we go yet?"

"I'm already way ahead of you three on that one," Stan scowled at a group of passing wannabe pioneers. "I've already stomached enough Pioneer Day for one lifetime. And if you two come back to the shack talking like these people," he fixed the twins with a warning look. "You're dead to me."

To the twins, however, this was far more of an invitation than a warning. "There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!" Dipper proclaimed first as he took on a faux western accent.

"Well, hornswabber my haversack!" Mabel exclaimed just as heartily.

"Oh! I wanna try!" Steven enthusiastically raised his hand. "Um… Ya'll!"

Though the kids were able to enjoy a good laugh over this, Stan and the Gems didn't come anywhere close to sharing it. For his part, Stan simply shook his first at the kids before angrily storming off, shouting, "Dead to me!"

"So…" Amethyst spoke up after a beat of silence. "Can we leave now?"

"Unfortunately, no," Pearl sighed. "You know how Pioneer Day is. Since the people of Gravity Falls get so into celebrating it, they usually completely abandon modern common sense and safety practices. And even if they decide to disregard those things for an entire day, that doesn't mean we should."

"We need to stick around to ensure public safety," Garnet summarized. "The last thing we want is a repeat of Pioneer Day 1968."

"There were so many fish…" Pearl cringed at the unpleasant memory.

"Oh, so is that why you guys don't like Pioneer Day?" Connie asked, curious.

"Oh, no. The real reason why we detest this pointless holiday is because it's all one big sham," Pearl crossed her arms.

"Sham?" Dipper wondered. "What do you-"

His question when unasked as the loud clang of a bell rang out from the nearby town square. An announcement filled the air along with it as a crowd began to congregate in that direction. "Come one and come all for the opening ceremonies!"

"Oh, this is always the best part!" Steven exclaimed, already running ahead. "Come on, you guys!"

As excited as Steven and Mabel both were, there was little Dipper or Connie could do to stop them from dragging them over to the square. The Gems, however, were far less impressed as they watched the wheels snap out from under a passing, poorly-built covered wagon. As telling of an omen as there ever was for how today was probably going to go.

"Can we leave now?" Amethyst asked once again, annoyed.

"Amethyst…" Pearl groaned just as tiredly.

"Fine," she pouted, crossing her arms in begrudging acceptance. "But I'm gonna keep asking until we actually can leave, so you might as well get used to it."

---

Unsurprisingly, most of the town had shown up to take part in one of Gravity Falls' most beloved pastimes. A large audience had gathered around the makeshift stage set up in the square, from which the mayor would give his annual Pioneer Day address. Mayor Dewey sat proudly alongside his son, Buck, who made no effort to mask just how bored he was by his father's political posturing. On the other side of the stage sat the wealthy Northwest family, proudly heralding their status and prestige over the entire town. By the time the kids squeezed their way to the front row, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland were just calling everyone to attention.

"Here-ye, here-ye! Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence!" Blubs called.

"Woo! I got a bell!" Durland cheered, happily ringing it.

"He sure loves his bell," Blubs warmly smiled over at his partner.

"Alright, that's enough, officers!" Dewey impatiently cut in as he took center stage. He flashed his constituents a flashy, anxious grin as he launched into his prepared speech. "Hello, my fellow pioneers! Welcome to the Gravity Falls of 1863! On this fine day, we celebrate the beginning of our beloved town and honor its fine founders: Nathaniel Northwest and my own great grandfather, William Dewey!"

At the command of a sign held up by one of the mayor's aides, the townsfolk offered an obligatory round of applause before Dewey continued. "Of course, we all know the story of how Gravity Falls was founded way back in 1845, but for those of you who are unaware, allow me to briefly spin the heroic yarn. William Dewey and Nathaniel Northwest were a team of dashing, brave, intrepid pioneers, seeking to carve out their destinies in the wild frontier of the American northwest. Along their way, however, their wagon train was assaulted by a vicious, bloodthirsty monster! The other pioneers had all given up hope and prepared to turn back, but at the last second, William Dewey saved them all with his heroic, supernatural ability by turning into a fifty foot giant, carrying the wagons safely into this very valley we now stand in! The other pioneers were so impressed that they elected him as first mayor of Gravity Falls!"

Once again, the crowd applauded, though not everyone in it was so taken in by this outlandish tale. "What?" Dipper scoffed, incredulous. "That whole story seems pretty out there. And by out there, I mean impossible."

"I guess it wouldn't be too out of the question though…" Connie shrugged. "Gravity Falls can be a pretty strange place, but still…"

As the crowd continued to cheer for the heroic exploits of William Dewey, the current mayor happened to catch the aggravated glare that Preston Northwest was sending his way. "Dewey!" he snapped loudly enough so that only the mayor could hear him. "Remember what we agreed on!"

"Oh, right!" Dewey cleared his throat. Not wanting to risk any potential funding from the wealthy family, the mayor was quick to correct himself. "Aha! But I erroneously forgot to mention that our dear town here would have never been discovered if not for the quick wit and impressive navigating skills of Nathaniel Northwest! C-certainly, he is the true hero in this town's founding!"

As the townsfolk clapped again, Dewey took a tentative glance back at the Northwests. He breathed a sigh of relief as he got a terse nod of approval from Preston. Not wanting to stumble any further, Dewey quickly ended his speech and moved on with the next part of the program. "A-and now, here's our beloved town darling, Pacifica Northwest!"

Pacifica confidently strode forward, clad in an aptly trendy old-fashioned dress. She barely even spared Dewey a glance as she walked past him, her nose in the air as she grinned at the crowd below. "Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great granddaughter of Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich."

Somehow, that was enough to get the crowd cheering, and Pacifica readily soaked in the adulation before moving on. "Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself!"

Mabel let out a delighted gasp and her wide grin mirrored Steven's perfectly as they exchanged a glance. "Audience participation!"

"Finally, a chance for me to use this!" Steven pulled the ukulele strapped to his back forward.

"I don't know, Mabel," Dipper said, eyeing Pacifica warily. "Isn't that girl kind of like your arch-enemy?"

"Yeah, don't you remember how terrible she acted during the sidewalk art contest the other week?" Connie asked. She fixed the heiress on stage with a cross glare, still holding onto a good deal of resentment from their first encounter. Resentment that Mabel was much more willing to leave behind.

"Oh, that's water under the bridge now," Mabel waved her hand. "Come on, Steven!"

"Yeah!" Steven readily followed after her as she ran up onstage.

"Our first newcomer is-" Pacifica stopped short when she noticed who had joined her. Her broad smile swiftly fell into a hostile scowl as she bitterly growled, "Mabel…"

"And don't forget about Steven!" he added with a wide smile.

"Let's get this Pioneer Day started!" Mabel zealously exclaimed. "Right, everyone? USA! USA!"

"USA! USA!" the crowd gladly joined in on the patriotic cheer. Steven hoped to make their spirits even brighter as he began strumming a merry tune on his ukulele, before launching into a full, on-the-spot song.

"Ohhhh… Way, way back in 1845, Gravity Falls became alive!" Steven sang as the crowd clapped along to the beat. "So now we're here to celebrate! Pioneer Day, isn't it great?!"

Before Steven could go into his second verse, he was abruptly, harshly interrupted by Pacifica. "Uh, what do you think you're doing?"

"Singing a song!" Steven grinned as he continued strumming.

"No, you're not," Pacifica deadpanned. "You're making a total fool out of yourself. Sorry to break it to both of you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you two look and act ridiculous. I mean, a puppy playing basketball?" she scoffed, eying the design on Mabel's sweater. "And who even plays the ukulele anyway?" she rolled her eyes at Steven. "Are you two always this silly?"

"But… ukuleles are really cool!" Steven protested, frowning. "And, i-it's mine, and I like it!"

"Like I said," Pacifica made a show of haughtily flipping her hair. "Silly."

"Hey, we can both be serious!" Mabel puffed her chest out to make her look more mature. "Right, Steven?"

"Right!" Steven threw his ukulele over his shoulder as he took up a similar stance.

"You do have nachos hanging from your ear, hon," Pacifica pointed out. Mabel was unable to stifle the hot blush that filled her face as she gently skimmed her nacho earrings in newfound regret.

"And as randomly singing songs in public," Pacifica said to Steven, still sore over how he had almost upstaged her. "Just so you know, it's not charming; it's childish." Steven winced as he looked back at his ukulele, suddenly wishing he hadn't brought it along after all.

As the pair hung their heads in shame, Pacifica simply smirked, satisfied that she'd gotten the upper hand over them both. "Wow, I'm embarrassed for you guys," she let out a small, patronizing laugh, one that the crowd soon began to join in on. "Give them a hand, everybody!"

The audience did as she said, save for Dipper and Connie. Instead, the pair exchanged an angry nod, knowing that they couldn't let Pacifica get away with humiliating Steven and Mabel so easily. "Hey!" Connie snapped at her as the pair sadly sulked off stage. "You can't talk to them like that!"

"Why not?" Pacifica shrugged, unsympathetic. "I'm just being honest. Heck, if anything I'm doing them a favor by giving them the reality check they so desperately need. That's what makes me so nice. Isn't that right, folks!?"

Though the town unanimously agreed with her, Dipper took the opportunity to lead Steven and Mabel away from the limelight to spare them any further embarrassment. Connie soon followed, though not before sparing one final, disgusted glare Pacifica's way as she posed for a commemorative photo alongside her family.

"Everyone say Northwest!" she called, sharing a smug laugh with her equally elitist parents after the photo was snapped. "We're perfect."

As distracted as the crowd was, nobody noticed when the kids slipped away from it. Steven and Mabel were uncharacteristically solemn and silent, making it clear that Pacifica's cruel remarks had cut them both deep. And as frustrated as both Connie and Dipper were by that, they knew the pair needed their support now more than they needed either of them to stand up for them.

"Hey, are you ok?" Dipper placed a consoling hand on his sister's shoulder.

Mabel sighed as she took a glance back at the stage. "I need some old-timey butterscotch."

"Same here…" Steven glumly agreed.

"Then we'll get you both some," Connie offered them a reassuring smile. It was all she could do to keep herself from marching back over to the stage to find some way to put Pacifica and her pompous attitude in her place. "Come on, let's go."

---

If there was one thing Stan couldn't stand, it was getting caught up in the inane, annoying nightmare that was Pioneer Day. Unfortunately, escaping its clutches was far easier said than done. The streets going in and out of town were all closed for the occasion, forcing Stan to take a rarely used dirt road to get back to the shack. A plan that quickly fell through when his wheels got caught in a puddle of mud.

Though he tried to drive out himself, his car had all but stalled, stuck in place. Fortunately, it seemed as though his luck was about to turn as he spotted his usual mechanic passing by, dressed for Pioneer Day with a donkey by his side.

"Hey there, uh, donkey boy!" Stan called him over. "Give me a hand with my car, huh?"

"Here in 1863, I have never heard of a 'car'," the man said, playing up the Pioneer Day act. "Pray-tell, what is this magic wheel box?"

"Aw, c'mon, Jim, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake!" Stan exclaimed, exasperated. "Cut me some slack!"

"'Slack'? I am unfamiliar with this bold, new expression…"

"I can't take this anymore!" Stan wailed. "I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!"

A sudden whistle cut through the air as Blubs and Durland ran up, ready to stop any possible altercation. "Are we gonna have to intervene here?" the sheriff asked, suspicious.

"Oh look. The 'constable'," Stan mocked the pair. "What are you gonna do? Put me in 'ye stocks'?"

As it turned out, that's exactly what they did. Stan was shocked to find himself abruptly arrested, landing him in the stockade set up near the town square for the rest of the day. It was going to make for a frustratingly boring and downright embarrassing punishment, to say the least. Of course, just when things didn't seem as though they could get anymore humiliating, that's when they did.

"Well, well…" Pearl smirked as approached the stocks alongside Amethyst and Garnet. "Looks like someone finally had the common sense to put you right where you belong, Stan. You know, back in the real pioneer days, they used to lock the town's most sleazy crooks in these very stocks. So I guess this is actually quite fitting."

"Can it, Pearl," Stan shot back. "I think I've been through enough torture today. I don't need any more from having to listen to you run your yap."

Despite Pearl's offended gasp, Amethyst snorted out a much-needed laugh. "Good one, Stan! But seriously, being locked up in that dumb thing looks like it's even more boring than just being at Pioneer Day alone."

"And that's saying something," Garnet deadpanned, her hands on her hips.

"Tell me about it," Stan grumbled. "Hey, here's an idea. How about you three do me a favor and bust me outta this thing, huh?"

"And why in the world would we ever do that?" Pearl asked. "Chances are you probably got yourself into this mess by doing something illegal, so it's only fair that you face the consequences."

"So I insulted the cops. Who cares? That's what they get for bein' cops," Stan scowled. "C'mon, just hook me up! If you help me out, I'll… uh… I'll stop complaining about you guys for a week. What do you say?"

Pearl and Garnet simply exchanged a flat glance, not even bothering with a response as they began to walk away. "O-okay! How's this? I'll extend it to a whole month!" Stan shouted after them. "And if I slip up and say something bad about you guys, then you can borrow Dipper and Mabel for a while! Take 'em on your little adventures or use them to fix up the house or whatever! Come on! You're not gonna get a deal like this anywhere else!"

By the time Stan was finished, Garnet and Pearl were already well out of earshot. Amethyst, on the other hand, had conspicuously hung back. "Don't worry, Stan," she whispered with a sly grin. "I got you covered."

"This isn't going to be anything like the last time you broke me out of jail, is it, Amethyst?" Stan asked, doubtful.

"Nah," she shrugged. "Mostly 'cause I don't have a battering ram on me this time. But just sit tight for a while. You'll be outta here in no time. Trust me."

"...Ugh," Stan let out a long, weary sigh as he watched her run off. But with little other options available to him, he found he had no choice but to rely on her risky, reckless schemes once again. "Why do I always get such a bad feeling in my gut whenever you tell me to trust you?"

---

After stocking up on a steady supply of butterscotch, the kids found a secluded spot near the statues of Nathaniel Northwest and William Dewey in the park. As dejected as they were, Steven and Mabel sullenly ate their butterscotch without so much as a word, much less a smile. It was a sight that worried Dipper and Connie alike the longer it went on for, to the point that they soon couldn't bear to watch it go on any more than they already had.

"Connie, we have to do something," Dipper whispered. "I hate seeing those two so upset."

"Same here," Connie frowned. "It's so quiet without Mabel cracking a joke or Steven playing his ukulele…"

"Well, hopefully it won't be like that for long," Dipper said, resolved. "I have an idea. Follow my lead." After a brief bout of silence, he addressed the despondent pair. "So, um… how's that butterscotch treating you guys?"

"It's sweet…" Mabel pouted.

"And sticky…" Steven added, just as morose.

"How about we go to the gold panning booth or something?" Dipper offered. "After all, anything's better than just moping around here, right?"

"And it could be fun," Connie smiled. "I mean, we probably won't find any real gold, but we could always pretend. And if there's two things we know you both like, it's shiny things and pretending."

"We appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but… no thanks…" Steven sighed. "We're… just not up for it."

"Actually… can I ask you guys something?" Mabel began. "Do you think me and Steven are silly?"

Dipper and Connie exchanged an uneven glance at this. Their initial silence alone spoke volumes to the pair sitting alongside them, even more so than the halfhearted, uncertain answers they tried to give.

"Um, n-no?"

"Not… always...?"

"Aw, man!" Steven flopped onto his back as he pushed his ukulele even further away from him. "Even you guys think so!? Why did nobody ever tell us?! No wonder the Gems are always leaving me out of stuff. They probably think I act like a clown."

"Oh, Steven, I'm sure they don't think that…" Connie reassured. "You both can be really serious when you want to be."

"But not when it counts…" Mabel shook her head. "The nacho earrings, the sweater… I thought I was being charming, but I guess people just see me as a big joke." Not wanting to cling onto her silliness any longer, she tore off her nacho earrings and took off her sweater, tying it around her waist.

"Come on, Mabel, you love that sweater!" Dipper protested.

"I did before Pacifica ruined it for me," Mabel glared at the ground. "She ruins everything!"

"Ugh, Pacifica!" Dipper stood and scowled up at the statue behind them. "Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat people like garbage?"

"I can't stand how she goes around acting like she's so much better than everyone!" Connie agreed, indigent. "Being rich shouldn't give anyone that much of an ego. Someone really needs to take her down a peg."

"Wait a minute!" Dipper started in sudden realization as he pulled the journal out of his vest. "I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great-grandfather before."

After flipping through a few pages, he quickly found the section of the journal that detailed the history of Gravity Falls. "Of course! This is perfect!" he wasted no time in reading the passage aloud for the others. "In my investigations and through several hints the Gems have given me, I recently made a discovery: Nathaniel Northwest and William Dewey may not be the true founders of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is buried somewhere in the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code…"

Sure enough, a document was taped to the opposite page. Upon unfolding it, the kids were met with a cryptic letter filled with mysterious symbols and indecipherable codes. "Oh man, I knew that story Mayor Dewey told about the town's founding sounded ridiculous!" Dipper exclaimed. "If this cover-up is true, it means that Pacifica's entire family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!"

"Oh, just imagine how mad Pacifica will be when she finds out!" Connie said, chuckling. "We have to find a way to prove this theory and tell the entire town! They deserve to know the truth."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Steven interrupted, his eyes wide with newfound excitement. "I want to help you guys solve this mystery!"

"Me too!" Mabel volunteered. "After all, conspiracies are serious, right?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," Dipper nodded.

"Well, if we help you guys crack this code, then nobody could ever call the two of us silly ever again!" Mabel reasoned.

"Yeah!" Steven jumped to his feet, holding his ukulele over his head. "No more silliness for me! From now on, you can call me Serious Steven!" With a daring shout, he prepared to slam his ukulele to the ground, at least until Connie rushed in to stop him.

"Steven, wait!" she exclaimed. "You don't have to break your ukulele to be serious!"

"Oh, good!" Steven breathed a sigh of relief as he slung his instrument back over his shoulder. "I might have gotten a little caught up in the heat of the moment…"

"Ok, guys, let's do this," Dipper said, holding his hand up for the others-five. "Mystery Kids?"

"I thought you didn't like that," Mabel said. After all, out of all of them, her brother had been the least fond of the title Soos had given the four of them a few weeks ago.

"It's starting to grow on me," Dipper shrugged, smiling.

"Woo hoo! Mystery Kids!" Steven cheered as all four of them high-fived. Without any further ado, the group set off to begin their search for the truth, unaware of the pair who had been eavesdropping from the other side of the statues.

Blubs and Durland watched as the kids ran off, prompting the sheriff to activate his walkie-talkie. "This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia!"

"What?!" the dispatcher on the other end exclaimed, alarmed. "And what are you doing about it?!"

"We're following them right now," Blubs confirmed.

"Find them and stop them. There's no room for error."

"I understand. Blubs out," the sheriff put the walkie talkie away before turning to his partner. "Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers. Are you ready?"

Instead of offering an answer, Durland simply held up his bell and gave it another cheerful ring. "Woo!"

Blubs couldn't help but laugh, as charmed by his partner as he ever was. "If being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law!"

"Let's go get 'em!" Durland proclaimed, still ringing his bell. They both headed off, their mission to stop the kids from completing their quest clear. The very history of Gravity Falls, if not the entire nation, depended on it.

---

The kids decided to begin their search at the town library. If there was any place that could offer them the intel they'd need to decode the journal's document, it'd be there. Dipper and Connie had already accumulated a tall stack of books and slides on cryptology while Steven and Mabel cleared a table for them to work. Solving a mystery of this caliber certainly wouldn't be easy, but they were determined to rise to the occasion, just like they had several times this summer so far.

"Alright, you guys," Dipper began. "If we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't one of the founders of Gravity Falls, then it will finally put Pacifica in her place."

"And solving a real mystery will prove that we're not silly!" Mabel added, exchanging a grin with Steven. "We're serious. Seeeeerrioussssss…" She kept up a stoic expression on her face as she used her tongue to lap up the butterscotches sitting on the table nearby.

"Serious Steven!" he cheered loudly, only to be quickly shushed by the librarian. "Oh, sorry!" he called, only for the librarian to quiet him once more. "Sorry…" he whispered this time, blushing.

"Ok, it's time to beat these books," Connie said as she cracked a heavy tome open.

"Hey, what did they ever do to you?" Steven asked, concerned.

"It's an expression, Steven," Connie laughed. "We're just going to use them to help us find a way to crack that code, right Dipper?"

"Right," Dipper nodded before turning towards the projector slides he had gathered on various kinds of codes. "So, let's see here…" He held the document up alongside the projector for comparison as he went through them. "It's not Egyptian… It's not numerology… It's not—wait, of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame!" He pointed to the large triangle that took up most of the page. "Lighting this parchment on fire will reveal a secret message!"

"Whoa, really?!" Steven loudly asked, only to be shushed by the librarian again.

"It's so obvious!" Mabel exclaimed, still chewing on butterscotch.

"Alright," Dipper grabbed the candle sitting on the table. "Let's light this sucker up and—Mabel!"

Mabel froze at her brother's surprised exclamation, taking a brief glance up at the paper hat she had quickly crafted out of the document. "Look! I made a hat!" she proclaimed, only to realize her error immediately afterwards. "Ugh, I did something silly again!"

"To be fair, it is a really cool looking hat," Steven encouraged.

"Wait a minute," Connie took a second, closer look at the folded document. "The way the symbols are all rearranged… It sort of looks like… a map!"

"Whoa, you're right!" Dipper exclaimed, surprised. "Mabel, you folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it…"

The kids' shared excitement was suddenly broken when they happened to overhear a startling conversation at the front desk. "We're on the lookout for four kids who might be reading," Sheriff Blubs informed the librarian.

"We're huntin' them down for secret reasons!" Durland exclaimed, still ringing his bell.

Knowing they didn't have much time left to spare, the kids abandoned their table, hiding behind a shelf just out of sight of the officers. They hadn't guessed that their investigation might get them in trouble with the law, but that seemed to be the case now that Blubs and Durland were clearly on their tails.

In light of this information, the kids knew they had not a moment to spare as they quickly took to hiding behind a nearby shelf, just out of sight of the officers. They hadn't guessed that their investigation might get them in trouble with the law, but that apparently seemed to be the case since Blubs and Durland were now on their tails.

"Okay, guys, maybe we should take this elsewhere," Dipper anxiously peered out from behind the shelf.

"Way ahead of you, Dipper!" Steven gave a thumbs up as he lay on top of a wheeled stepping stool. He let out a laugh as he gave himself a push, riding the stool down the aisle as the others quickly followed after him.

"Steven, wait!" Connie called as quietly as possible. "We might get caught!"

"Yeah, and I want a turn!" Mabel protested.

"Wee!" Steven chuckled as he went down the row of books, glancing over at them curiously. "Wow! There are even cool books on the bottom shelves!" He'd just about ridden the stool to the end of the aisle when he happened to spot a stray book lying under one of the shelves. "Huh? What are you doing down there little buddy?" He picked both himself and the book up just as the others caught up to him. The tome was covered with dust, and from its blank, worn red cover it was clear to see that it was quite old. "Guys, check this book out!" Steven showed it off to his friends.

"Steven, it's blank," Connie noted, knowing they didn't really have time for this. After all, the cops were certainly still on the hunt for them; they had to leave the library as soon as possible. Or else.

Steven let out an amazed gasp as he cracked the book open, only to find a detailed sketch of the Gem temple on one of its pages. "But look!" he flipped through several more of its pages so everyone else could see. "It's full of drawings of magical Gem places! Just like the journal!"

"Wait, what?!" Dipper took the book, immensely intrigued. Indeed, it had sketches and descriptions of not just the temple, but other mystical locations as well, many of which he had seen in the journal before. Still, there were clear differences between this book and the journal, including the style of the illustrations and language used in the descriptions, proving that they were both written by different authors. "What is this thing?"

"Uh, we might not have enough time to sit down and read it here!" Mabel pointed out. She stole a peak through a gap in the shelves, spotting the cops as they searched the next aisle over for them.

The kids made a beeline for the exit, deciding to take the mysterious book with them. Fortunately, they made it out of the library without being noticed, giving them the time and space they needed to take a closer look at the book Steven had found.

"Whoa… Apparently this book was the journal of Buddy Budwick!" Connie pointed out as she read through the first few pages of the book.

"Buddy who-now?" Mabel asked, confused.

"Oh wait! I think I've heard of that guy," Steven said. "Mayor Dewey mentions him every other year during his Pioneer Day speech. I think he was a friend of William Dewey or something."

"Then that means he could have known something that can help!" Dipper theorized. "Connie, keep reading."

"Ok, let's see here…" Connie adjusted the frames of her glasses as she began to read the first entry. "August, 1845. At last our long and perilous journey upon the Oregon Trail has reached its end. Our wagon train has found a place to stake our claims and start anew, a small, rather odd valley dubbed Gravity Falls. However, I would be absolutely remiss if I didn't recount the miraculous circumstances that brought our leaders, William Dewey and Nathaniel Northwest, to this bold new land…

"We had been journeying upon the trail for many weeks; our food supplies and morale were starting to run quite low, but Mr. Dewey and Mr. Northwest refused to share their healthy rations with the rest of us. (Since this is my own personal journal, it would likely be safe for me to note that neither of them were very competent leaders.) However, as we were going over a precarious overpass, we were attacked by a monster unlike anything we had ever seen before!

"Mr. Northwest and Mr. Dewey prepared to flee for their lives, leaving the rest of us to fend the fell monster off alone. But alas! When it seemed as though all of our hope had died and the hour of doom seemed at hand, we were rescued! Our savior was a giant, eight-armed woman, an illustrious goddess of a creature! With ease, she defeated the monster and carried us and our wagons into the safety of the valley, before somehow splitting apart into four smaller, yet still quite impressive women.

"The women introduced themselves as the Crystal Gems, and their leader, Rose Quartz, warmly welcomed us to the fledgling town of Gravity Falls. However, she gave us a gentle warning that this land was one of untold dangers and that it might not be safe for us to stay. Mr. Northwest and Mr. Dewey harshly scoffed at her concerns and decided to settle down here anyway, as did most of the rest of us. Still, I cannot help but wonder if the Crystal Gems were right about this odd little town after all…"

"Wow, my mom and the Gems helped all of those people get here!" Steven grinned once Connie was done reading. "That's so cool!"

"That's not the only thing that's cool about this," Dipper said as he flipped through Buddy's book for himself. "If what this Buddy guy wrote is true, then that means that Gravity Falls was already here way before Nathaniel Northwest and William Dewey got here! Which means-"

"It means that the Gems can turn into a giant, giant woman!" Mabel interrupted. " I wanna see her and all eight of her arms!"

"No," Dipper flatly corrected. "It means that Northwest and Dewey couldn't have been the town founders! This book proves it!"

"And to think I found it just rolling around on a stool!" Steven laughed, before remembering his resolve. "I-I mean, I found it by being serious!"

"It's proof… but I don't think it's the kind of proof anyone's going to accept…" Connie mused, frowning. "We're gonna need something bigger… Something that Pacifica and her family won't just be able to shrug off."

"You're right," Dipper agreed. "Mabel, let me see that, uh, 'hat' of yours again?"

Mabel handed it over, giving Dipper a chance to see exactly where the map was pointing them. "Hm…" he pondered over the abstract image of a pointing angel. "I'm… not sure what this is supposed to be."

"Oh, I know!" Steven raised his hand. "I've seen a statue that looks just like that in the town cemetery!"

"Then that's where we're headed," Connie said as she tucked Buddy's book under her arm. "Let's go!"

As the kids hurried off, Blubs and Durland emerged from the library following a fruitless search. Almost as soon as they did, Blub's walkie-talkie buzzed to life once more. "Officer Blubs, have the targets been apprehended yet?"

"Negative," Blubs shook his head. "But we're close. I promise, those kids'll never get past us!"

Of course, at that exact moment, the kids ran straight past the pair en route to the cemetery. "Hey! Get back here!" Blubs shouted after him. He and Durland ended up tripping over each other, however, leading to them falling into a messy pile of limbs at the bottom of the library stairs, much to the sheriff's frustration. "Dang it!"

---

As was the case with every Pioneer Day, the Gems found that most of their time at the festival was spent meandering around and making sure that no one was blindly walking into danger. It was a painfully tedious task, one that they'd dutifully undertaken ever since the holiday was created years ago. As much as they all wished it'd finally come to an end, no matter how much the townsfolk may have enjoyed it.

"Well, no one's broken any bones or set anything on fire yet," Pearl noted as they walked down Main Street. "So I guess that's a plus when compared to the last several years…"

"Knowing how Pioneer Day usually goes, I doubt the streak will be broken," Garnet said dryly.

Oddly enough, Amethyst said nothing as she lagged a bit behind her teammates. She kept her focus over on Stan as he sat in the stocks, impatient waiting for her plan to kick into action. A plan she was more than ready to carry out… as soon as Garnet and Pearl weren't looking.

"Heeeeeyy, look who it is!" Amethyst perked up when she noticed the kids approaching. Just the sort of distraction she needed right now. "How are you guys digging Pioneer Day? Hopefully you all aren't bored out of your minds like we are."

"Sorry, you guys, but we can't stop to talk," Steven said. "We're in the middle of something super serious."

"Oh really?" Pearl asked with a curious smile. "Like what?"

"We're gonna find out who really founded Gravity Falls!" Mabel grinned daringly. "It's a HUGE mystery and we're not going to stop until we crack this nut wide open!"

"Sounds like a pretty big nut," Garnet said, smirking.

"Wait a second! Maybe you guys can help us out," Dipper said as he pulled out the journal. "You three were around when Gravity Falls was founded, weren't you?"

"Well… not exactly…" Pearl frowned. "We came about a year late, but we were 'around' back then, so to speak."

"So you guys would know whether or not Nathaniel Northwest and William Dewey were actually the town founders, wouldn't you?" Connie pressed.

"Are you kidding?" Amethyst burst out laughing. "Those losers? Come on. They couldn't have found their way to a tree. And in case you haven' noticed, there are trees everywhere around here."

"Plus, they didn't arrive here until almost two years after we got here," Pearl pointed out. "Yet the townsfolk have been so insistent on hailing them as the town founders for over one hundred years now for some inane reason." As she continued, neither her or Garnet noticed as Amethyst discreetly looked away when no one was watching. "We've tried countless times to try and set the record straight, but the people of Gravity Falls are stubbornly set in their historically inaccurate ways. What a shame."

"Then that means the book was right!" Dipper exclaimed, excited. Because certainly, with the Gems' help, this entire conspiracy could come to a conclusive end right here and right now. All it took was asking the only question left unanswered: "So if Northwest and Dewey didn't found Gravity Falls, then who did?"

"That's easy," Garnet replied, adjusting hershades. "It was-"

Just before she could finish, a sudden crash rattled the entire street. Garnet and Pearl spun around to find a startling sight. Amethyst's attempt at breaking Stan out of the stocks had ended in failure, and a messy failure at that. Her scheme involved a bicycle, a blowtorch, and several fireworks, all of which she'd managed to gather in record time. While there'd been no injuries in the resulting explosion, several people were still sent running from the small fires it had set. Amidst this disaster was Amethyst, covered in soot as she stood beside Stan, still sullenly stuck in the stocks.

"Well, you gotta give me credit for trying at least," she shrugged, patting the flames off his fez.

"I'd give you even more credit if you hadn't ended up causing small-scale property damage," Stan deadpanned.

"Amethyst!" Pearl scolded from across the square, her hands curled into angry fists. "What did you do?!"

"Just a little jailbreak, P," Amethyst said, hanging her arms behind her head. "No biggie."

"Well, there's our disaster for this year," Garnet said, already setting off across the street. "Might as well go clean it up."

"Unfortunately…" Pearl grumbled. Still, she called back to the kids as she sulked after Garnet. "Have fun with your mystery hunt, kids! And stay safe!"

"But wait!" Dipper shouted after them. "You still haven't told us who the real town founder is!"

Garnet paused for a moment, glancing back over her shoulder as she provided a very brief, very vague response. "You four will figure it out. In fact, the answer's even closer than you think."

"That… doesn't really help at all…" Connie frowned as soon as the Gems went out of earshot.

"I guess finding out the truth is still up to us," Steven shrugged.

"To the cemetery!" Mabel charged ahead to continue their quest. Only to end up bumping straight into none other than the very heiress they were trying to discredit.

"Hey!" Pacifica snapped, spinning around to face the group. "Watch where you're–ugh," she stopped herself with a groan. "Of course it's you. What, are you guys late to the local goofball convention or something?"

As she let out a cocky chuckle, both Mabel and Steven shrunk back, still bothered by how she'd mocked them earlier. Dipper and Connie, on the other hand, weren't about to back down so easily. Especially not now when they finally had some form of ammunition to use against her. "Actually," Dipper began with a small, vindictive smile. "We're on our way to prove that your entire family history is bogus and that your great-great grandpa was a total fraud."

"You're what?" Pacifica asked, aghast.

"Yeah, turns out we have some pretty compelling evidence that Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the founder of Gravity Falls after all," Connie crossed her arms. "Though to be honest, it wouldn't be that surprising if he really was a fake. Making yourself seem like you're way more important than you actually are must be a Northwest family tradition."

Pacifica reeled back, shocked and offended. Meanwhile, Dipper couldn't help but snort out a laugh as Steven and Mabel perked up a little beside him. "Oo, nice one," he said to Connie, impressed.

"Thanks," she smirked, before quietly admitting. "I've been working on it all day."

"Y-you… you have no idea what you're talking about!" Pacifica hotly accused. "Even if you do have 'proof', nobody will ever believe you! I know I definitely don't."

"Well… what if we showed you?" Steven suggested.

"Showed me?"

"Yeah!" Mabel agreed, smiling. "Come with us. Then you'll be able to see for yourself that we're telling the truth!"

"Yeah right," Pacifica scoffed, turning her nose up at the group. "As if I'd ever be caught dead anywhere with you losers."

"...Uh… well, you're kinda with us right now," Steven pointed out, frowning. "So…"

"Fine, have it your way then," Connie shrugged, turning away. "But don't say we didn't warn you when you and your family ended up disgraced and humiliated in front of the entire town."

With that, they began to head off, leaving Pacifica behind to stew over everything they'd told her. And, as much as she adamantly didn't want to believe a single word any of them said, as much as she didn't want to think everything she'd ever been told about her family's esteemed history was a lie… somehow doubt still slipped in through the cracks all the same. Doubt that managed to be just enough to convince her to begrudgingly change her tune.

"Ugh, wait," she huffed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "This is so stupid, but… I guess I'll come along. But only so I can laugh in all of your faces when you find out you're wrong, which you are."

"Great! Glad to have you along for the ride!" Mabel warmly chimed in before Dipper or Connie could make any sort of comeback. She caught Pacifica off guard when she slung an arm over her shoulder. "Check us out! Now we're the Mystery Kids plus one!"

"Ew, no," Pacifica swiftly pulled away. "Let me make one thing very clear: I am not and I never will be part of your dumb little nerd club."

"Oh, don't worry," Dipper shot her a cold smirk. "We'd never want you to be."

"Come on!" Steven cut in before another argument could break out. The lingering tension was all but lost on him as he charged on ahead to continue their investigation. "To the cemetery!"

Pacifica stopped short, startled as the others led the way to the next step in their alleged discovery. "To the where now?"

---

"Are you guys serious?!" Amethyst asked, distraught. She flinched when Garnet finished slamming the stockade down and Pearl securely locked her in right next to Stan. "What did I even do?"

"You nearly blew up the entire street!" Pearl harshly exclaimed. "And you were trying to break Stan out, even though he had been arrested by legal officials!"

"So?"

"So, you broke the law," Garnet explained. "And even as a Crystal Gem, you are not above the law, Amethyst."

"Pfft, yeah I am," Amethyst muttered under her breath.

"What was that?" Pearl asked, hands on her hips.

"Nothing," Amethyst flatly droned, rolling her eyes. "You guys do know that this dumb thing can't hold me, right? I can just break out any time I want. Like this." With a sly smirk, Amethyst shape-shifted her arms and head to the point that they were small enough to slip out of the stocks. An impressive trick that Garnet and Pearl were far from taken with.

"No, Amethyst," Garnet shook her head. "You did the crime; now you have to do the time."

"Come oooooonnnn…" Amethyst groaned as she begrudgingly positioned herself back into the stockade. "You guys are being so lame!"

"We're not the ones who told you to set fireworks off into a crowd," Pearl retorted. "If you two want to act like deviants, then you deserve to be treated like deviants. Let this be a lesson to you both."

"Gee thanks, 'mom'," Stan deadpanned. "Got any more after-school special messages for us? Like how we should look both ways before crossing the street? Or how stealing is wrong?"

Pearl growled, far beyond fed up with them both as she stormed off. "Ugh, you two are hopeless…"

"Remember, Amethyst," Garnet sternly advised. "No breaking out."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Amethyst flatly agreed. "I'll sit here in time out like a good little Gem. You don't gotta to worry about me."

"I better not have to," Garnet warned, adjusting her shades as she left.

A beat of silence passed between the two "fugitives", though it was soon broken by Stan as he spared a knowing look over at Amethyst. "So you're already thinking up your next escape plan, right?"

Amethyst grinned deviously as she shapeshifted one of her hands out of the stockade. "Oh, you know it."

---

If Pacifica didn't have a high opinion of Mabel, Steven, Dipper, and Connie before, the four of them dragging her to the town cemetery certainly didn't do anything to change that. Even with her family's pride at stake, she was already regretting her decision to come along on this ridiculous "adventure" of theirs.

"So what?" she cringed as they passed by yet another deteriorating tombstone. "Is this just where you dweebs like to come hang out, or is there actually supposed to be some kind of 'proof' here? 'Cause I'm not seeing any."

"If you really have to know," Connie shot a critical look back over her shoulder at her. "Our next clue is right over… here."

The group stopped before a tall, angelic statue, the very statue their map was pointing them to. Dipper and Connie approached it first, eyeing it carefully for any potential switches or secrets. "Hm… it must be pointing toward the next clue," Dipper theorized.

"Yeah, but what?" Connie looked in the direction the statue was dictating. "There's nothing over there but more headstones…"

"Oh, gross!" Mabel suddenly caught everyone's attention. She giggled as she hung by the nose on the statue's pointed finger. "She's picking my nose!" Her amusement quickly shifted into alarm when the statue's finger suddenly snapped upwards. The second it did, the grave in front of the statue began to slide open, revealing a set of stairs leading somewhere underground.

"Whoa!" Steven gasped, stars in his eyes. "It's a super secret tunnel! Great job, Mabel!"

"Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica?" Mabel fixed the other girl with a triumphant smirk. Only to immediately fall off the statue, landing hard at her feet.

"Uh, still you," Pacifica sneered down at her. She didn't keep the upper hand for long, however, as a sharp, fierce growl suddenly sounded from only inches behind her. She squealed when she spun around to see the large pink feline snarling at her, rushing to hide for cover behind Dipper without even thinking. "What the heck is that?!" she asked, terrified.

"Oh, Lion!" Steven grinned, hurrying over to give his pet a hug. "What are you doing all the way out here, buddy?"

Lion simply offered a calm roar this time, happily accepting the ear scratches Mabel was giving him. Pacifica, however, was still far from allayed. "No, seriously, what is that thing and why is it pink?" she asked, still clinging onto Dipper for dear life. At least until he made a point of pulling his arm away from her.

"Oh, this is just Lion," Steven explained. "He's… well, he's Lion."

"That explains literally nothing," Pacifica deadpanned.

"Huh," Connie watched as Lion led the way into the newly opened passage. "I guess Lion wants to come along with us."

"Great!" Steven grinned, excited. "Every mystery-hunting team needs a super cute animal sidekick after all!"

"Yeah!" Mabel wholeheartedly agreed. She was the first of the group to follow Lion into the passageway, happily munching on the butterscotch she'd brought along for the trip. "Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode! I'm feeling serious. Aren't you, Steven?"

"I sure am!" Steven nodded as he launched into another impromptu song. "Oooh, we're going on a mystery hunt! For some secret mystery stuff! Something, something, mystery something!"

"Oh my gosh," Pacifica groaned, facepalming. "Why did I agree to come with you annoying weirdos again?"

"You'd better watch it, Pacifica," Dipper smirked when he noticed Lion glaring back at her. "Lion really doesn't like it when anyone makes fun of Steven. Who knows? He might just get mad enough to make his next meal a gourmet one, if you catch my drift."

"W-what?!" Pacifica paled, alarmed.

"Don't worry, Pacifica," Steven assured, chuckling. "Lion's never eaten anyone before. Or at least… I don't think he has… Huh."

The entire group started, surprised, when Lion suddenly chimed into the conversation with a low, rumbling roar. He positioned himself in front of the group, blocking their path forward as he reared low, fixing Steven with an almost insistent look."Uh… you wanna give us a ride?" he inferred. Lion didn't respond outside of a single blink; and for Steven at least, that was more than enough of a 'yes'. "Well, if you say so."

"Whoa, hold on," Pacifica watched, wide eyed, as the others climbed onto Lion's back. "You don't seriously expect me to get on that thing, do you?"

"Aw, what?" Connie goaded. "Don't tell us you're scared."

"Tch, no," Pacifica bristled, blushing. She shoved the hand Mabel was offering her away in favor of clumsily climbing onto Lion herself.

Between all five of them, it was a very tight, cramped fit. Yet strangely, Lion didn't seem to be bothered by all of the extra weight when, without warning, he took off running straight through the narrow tunnel. The kids had no choice but to cling onto each other, each of them screaming against Lion's rapid pace. Their terror only mounted when Dipper managed to shine his flashlight ahead to the solid stone wall Lion was bolting straight towards.

"Dead end!" he warned, panicked.

"Lion, wait!" Steven pleaded, pulling on his pet's pastel mane. "Don't run into the-"

His cries were ultimately drowned out by the piercing roar that ripped out of Lion's maw, a wave of sonic energy shooting out into the air along with it. This energy struck the wall squarely, imploding its stony surface on contact and creating a wide opening. Lion darted through that opening, into the vast, open chamber that somehow awaited on the other side of it. As he skidded to a stop on the surface of the shallow water covering the ground, all five kids fell off of him, equally stunned as they splashed into the pool.

"Oh my gosh!" Mabel gasped as she sat up, exhilarated. "Let's do that again!"

"What are you, nuts?" Pacifica huffed as she wrung the water out of her hair. "I can't believe this… First you dorks drag me to a filthy graveyard, then you force me onto the back of that probably flea-ridden thing," she fixed Lion with an icy glare that he was more than happy to return in full. "And now… now we're in some gross wet cave and my custom-made Pioneer Day outfit is ruined!" She motioned down to her soaking wet, slightly muddy dress. "Whatever you nerds think you found better be enough to make you the town laughingstocks, or else you'll be hearing from my exceptionally well-paid lawyers!"

"Yeah, well, I don't know about us becoming the town laughingstocks," Dipper dryly returned as he spared a glance at the surrounding cave. "But it looks like we sure did find… something."

Indeed, it was an impressive sight; a deep cavern filled with jagged stones rising from both the ground and ceiling. And in the center of the chamber, resting in the water, was a huge, circular stone platform, practically shimmering in the cave's natural light.

"You don't think this could be some sort of magical Gem place, do you?" Connie wondered. The kids quickly got their answer when Steven stepped foot on the platform, somehow igniting it in a soft, otherworldly sort of light. A hand-shaped pedestal slowly rose up from the center of the slab, adorned with the symbol of a rose spiraled by thorns.

"Yep. Magic Gem place," Steven confirmed. Unable to quell their curiosity, the kids gathered around the pedestal as Lion padded over to watch. "Uh, Lion?" Steven turned to him, frowning. "Normally I'm all about this stuff, but I don't think there are really any clues here…"

In lieu of any actual answers, Lion simply fixed Steven with a cryptic gaze as he let out another tranquil growl. "What does that even mean, Lion?!" Steven fussed, exasperated. "What does that even mean?"

"Wait," Dipper stepped a bit closer to the pedestal as he pulled out the journal. "I've seen that symbol before…" He flipped through a few pages before finally finding a sketch of the exact insignia resting on the hand. "Here it is: 'The emblem of Rose Quartz'."

"My mom?" Steven asked, surprised.

"No way…" Mabel gasped. "Steven, if this place was your mom's, then Lion must have brought you here for some super special destiny-type stuff! Give it a high five and see what happens!"

"Ok," Steven did exactly that. As soon as he placed his hand on the pedestal, it was enveloped in the same white light as the rest of the platform, much to (almost) everyone's fasciation.

"What in the world…?" Pacifica muttered, utterly bewildered by what she was seeing.

"Hey, I think it likes you!" Connie flashed Steven a wry grin.

Steven laughed, though it quickly faded when he tried to slip his hand off the pedestal, only for it to remain firmly planted in place. "Ah! My hand's stuck!" he gasped, alarmed. "It won't—come off!"

While Connie, Dipper, and Mabel rushed to Steven's aid, Pacifica simply stood by, arms crossed as she tried and failed to make sense of all of this. She yelped, however, when she was nearly knocked off her feet from the shape that suddenly rose up from the platform right beside her. Said shape was a large, long case, holding a diverse set of unique, elegant blades, all hovering in a neatly organized line.

"Hey, swords!" Connie grinned, intrigued.

"No!" Steven fearfully cried. In an instant, the swords sunk back into the platform, as though they were never there at all.

"Ok, what is going on here?" Dipper asked, just as confused as the others were. "Steven, how'd you do that?"

"I don't know…"

"Do it again! Do it again!" Mabel urged, shaking him by the shoulder. Just by this movement alone, another set of weaponry rose up from the platform: a collection of axes of all shapes and sizes. "Cool!"

"Whoa, that gives me an idea," Dipper said. Without warning, he gave Steven a sudden jab on the shoulder and Connie, quickly understanding his plan, followed suit by pulling on Steven's ear.

"Ow! You guys, what-" Steven tried to ask, only for Mabel to cut him off by poking him in the side. He could do little else but laugh as his friends poked and prodded him, hoping that each move might bring about some sort of reaction from the pedestal. "H-hey! Stop it! I'm ticklish!" he cried between his laughter. "Cut it out, you guys! I'm gonna pee!"

Despite his protests, the plan somehow worked as a large collection of armor emerged from the platform all around them. On that alone, Steven couldn't quell his own curiosity for what else this mysterious chamber might hold as he cried, "Quick! Someone press my nose!"

Connie did so, swiftly replacing the armor with a trio of familiar-looking pink canons. "Are those light cannons?" Mabel asked, surprised.

"We totally could have used those to destroy that Red Eye a few weeks ago…" Dipper noted, deadpan.

"To destroy the what?" Pacifica asked, even more lost in the shuffle than she already was.

Her question was ultimately left unanswered as Mabel tugged at the corners of Steven's mouth. "Next!" As the light canons sunk back into the pedestal, a statue of a woman bearing three large flails hanging from each of her arms rose up in their place. "Ooo! Spikey chain balls!"

As Dipper poked the center of Steven's back, the flails were replaced with perhaps the oddest sight they had seen yet. "A giant… penny?"

"Does that mean it's worth more than a regular penny?" Connie pondered.

"Well, that would make 'cents'," Steven joked. And while that was more than enough to get a laugh out of the others, Pacifica had long-since passed the limits of her already low patience.

"Alright, I've had it!" she snapped, frustrated. "None of this useless garbage proves anything! Just admit it already: you were just mad about how I totally embarrassed you earlier, so you came up with all that conspiracy junk to try and get back at me. Well guess what? It didn't work. Now, if you'll excuse me," she brushed her dirty dress off with a haughty smirk as she turned to leave. "I have a festival to get back to being the center of. Later, losers!"

"Aw…" Mabel's shoulders drooped in disappointment. "And I really thought we were onto something too…"

"Yeah," Steven agreed, sighing. "Now how are we ever supposed to prove that we're serious…?"

Out of seemingly nowhere, the entire platform flashed brighter than ever before. Steven's hand was finally freed from the pedestal as the platform rumbled gently against the water surrounding it. Pacifica stopped in her tracks at the edge, spinning around to join the others in watching something else emerge from the platform. While there were no weapons this time, there was just about everything else, between stacks of books, weathered scrolls, authentic antiques, and historical portraits. Despite her better judgement, Pacifica followed as Steven, Connie, Dipper, and Mabel ventured in closer to see exactly what this new discovery might hold.

"Wow! It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things!" Mabel grinned as she grabbed a document labeled "top secret". Not only did the page reveal that Abraham Lincoln had an extra hand hidden under his top hat, but it also revealed Ben Franklin's true gender. "Oh man! Benjamin Franklin secretly was a woman!"

"Huh, I never knew John Adams had a pet rhino…" Connie mused, looking over a portrait displaying the second president and his beloved pet.

"Whoa, this one has the Gems in it!" Steven held up a painting of the Gems clad in old-fashioned clothes on board a boat with several humans. In it, Garnet stood perched on the bow of the boat as she punched a shark squarely in the face. "Cool!"

It didn't take long for Dipper to happen upon another groundbreaking document, one that contained the very info they'd come all this way to find. "Guys, check this out!" he called the others over to join him before reading it aloud. "Let it be here recorded that, after being deposed from his position of co-wagon train leader, William Dewey, supposed first mayor of Gravity Falls, was actually just a common manure salesman. Likewise, his partner, Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud, as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot."

"WHAT?!" Pacifica's scandalized shriek echoed through the entire cavern. "Let me see that!" She snatched the document away from Dipper, rapidly reading it through for herself. And the more she read, the more dismayed she became by the truth behind what she thought she'd always known. "No… no, this… this has gotta be fake! There's no way this is true! Nathaniel Northwest was a Northwest. He couldn't have just been some… some nobody like… like all of you!"

"Uh, he could have been and it sure sounds like he was," Connie crossed her arms.

"Sorry to break it to you, Pacifica," Dipper added, just as smugly pleased by their incredible find. "But your great-great grandfather–heck, your whole family really–was just one big sham all along. Man, just wait till the papers hear about this!"

"You guys…" Mabel quietly admonished when she noticed the genuinely distressed look on Pacifica's face. A look that made her wonder if maybe they were the ones going too far in humiliating the one who had once humiliated them.

"I-I just… I don't understand…" Pacifica muttered, shaking her head. By now, she was gripping the cover-up document so tightly her hands were trembling from sheer mortification alone. "If he wasn't the founder… then who was?"

"Oh!" Steven supplied an answer to this question as he spotted another document lying nearby. "According to this, "The true founder of Gravity Falls was Sir Lord Quentin Trembly III, Esquire."

"Who's Quentin Trembly?" Mabel asked, confused.

"That's none of your business!" The kids turned, startled, to find Blubs and Durland standing in the entryway Lion had created earlier. As exhausted as they were from the lengthy trek down here, they leaned against each other for support, catching their breath for a moment before storming up to join the kids on the platform.

"Woo! We gotcha!" Durland rung his bell, letting it echo loudly through the surrounding cave.

"Uh, maybe you should have closed up that hole your roar made, Lion…" Steven frowned. For his part, however, Lion didn't so much as budge from the spot on the edge of the platform he was napping in.

"Oh, officers! Thank goodness, you're here," Pacifica put on a sudden dramatic air. In an instant, her earnest despair was lost behind a mask meant to incriminate the ones who had, in her eyes, shattered her family's history in an instant. "These four degenerates kidnapped me and dragged me all the way down here just so they could tell me such vicious lies about my dear great-great grandfather!"

"We did what?" Connie sharply asked.

"Can you believe it?" Pacifica pretended to cower behind the cops. "I'm positively traumatized! You ought to arrest all four of them–and confiscate any whistleblowing documents they might have on them–on the spot for everything they've done to me!" She pointed an accusing finger at the group, who could only stand by in a mix of alarm and disgust at how she was trying to turn the tables against them. "My father will demand it when he finds out about this!"

"Er… Sorry, Miss Northwest," Blubs rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "The jig's up. We already know all 'bout the Dewey/Northwest coverup and about Quentin Trembly. It's a matter of national security."

"What?" Pacifica balked, dropping her act in an instant.

"What do you mean 'national security'?" Dipper spoke up.

"And who was Quentin Trembly?" Connie asked, just as confused.

"See for yourselves," Blubs removed his hat to reveal a film reel. Fortunately, a projector was among the nearby collection, and so the sheriff put the tape in, casting the projection on the cave wall.

"Aw, it's black and white?" Mabel complained. Dipper was quick to shush her as the film began.

A government official, clad in a stately suit, appeared on the reel to deliver a sternly serious message. "If you're watching this, then you are one of the eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as this filming is complete." The official paused briefly, glancing off-screen before letting out an allayed sigh. "Oh what? No? Whoo! Well that's a relief!" After another beat, he looked back to the camera and continued. "Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembly, the eighth -and-a-half president of the United States."

"President?" all five of the kids questioned, mutually puzzled.

"After winning the 1837 election in a literal landslide, Quentin Trembly quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president. He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the Supreme Court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His State of the Union address was even worse:"

"The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!" a vocal reenactment of the former president boldly proclaimed.

"He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley that he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembly's shameful term was erased from history and he was officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president, local manure salesman William Dewey as Gravity Falls' first mayor, and local nobody Nathanial Northwest as its founder. The whereabouts of president Trembly's body are unknown."

"Until now," Blubs said as the tape came to an end. The sheriff nodded to the other side of the platform, where the body of the eighth-and-a-half president himself was encased in a large, opaque orange block made of some sort of unknown material.

"Whoa, is this like, amber or something?" Dipper asked as everyone gathered before the petrified president.

"The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President!" Blubbs goaded. "Trembly's body has been missing for over a hundred years now, and finding it was our special mission. And now, thanks to you kids, it's complete."

"Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers to a lion-sized hole?" Durland snickered.

Mabel and Steven couldn't help but share facepalm at this. Because between the two of them, they'd led the officers straight to them, putting a sudden end to their quest just before it could reach its completion. All because they had to go and be silly, just like they always were, just like they'd always be.

"Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it," Blubs said, his hands on his hips.

"You don't mean-" Connie began to ask, though Mabel was quick to finish the question.

"Are you going to kill us?!"

"Oh no!" Durland gasped, alarmed.

"No, no!" Blubbs quickly clarified. "We're just gonna escort all of you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't coming back by the way."

"Ha!" Pacifica let out a triumphant laugh as she turned back to the others, taking vindictive pleasure in their frightened faces. "That's exactly what you four deserve for thinking you could upstage the Northwest family. And even better yet, now nobody will ever know about this so-called 'conspiracy' you dug up. Go ahead and take them away, officers. Goodbye and good riddance."

"Uh… well, actually…" Durland frowned.

"When we said all of you," Blubs continued where he left off. "We meant all of you."

"Wait, what?" Pacifica started when the cops began to corral her closer to the other kids. No doubt in an effort to round them all up and haul them off to the nation's capital, never to return.

Despite their dire straits, Steven made an effort to try and save them all before it was too late. "L-Lion!" he called to his still-snoozing pet. "Could you maybe wake up and help us out?! Please?!"

Lion only responded with a tired roar as he rolled over on his other side, content to continue sleeping peacefully through it all. "Gee, Lion, nice to know we can always count on you," Dipper scowled, annoyed.

"Alright, kids, enough stalling," Blubs said he and Durland began to round them, and everything they'd uncovered, up. "We have a train to catch."

---

"You can't do this to me! Do you have any idea what my net worth is!?" Pacifica furiously pounded on the side of the crate she and the other kids had been locked away in. Steven, Connie, Lion, and the twins wisely steered clear of her as she shouted a barrage of empty threats at the cops, even if they'd abandoned them and the president's frozen remains in the cargo hold as soon as they'd boarded the Washington-bound train. " I'll have your jobs, your houses, your cars, your… your left kidneys! All of it is gonna be sued right out from under you for even thinking about treating me like a common criminal!"

"Can you please just quit it already?" Dipper tiredly interrupted her. "No matter how many empty lawsuit threats you make, it's not going to get any of us out of here."

"Us?" Pacifica scoffed. "There is no us. You dorks are on your own. Once we get to Washington, I'll just pay off the actual president to let me go scott-free. After all, if there's one thing every president cares about more than anything else, it's cold, hard cash."

"Well, even if you do bail yourself out," Connie began, crossing her arms. "It's not going to change the fact that your entire family history is one giant lie."

"S-so?" Pacifica harshly asked. "You think I care about that? B-because I don't!" Wanting to get the scrutiny off of her, Pacifica turned her angry attention on Steven and Mabel instead. "Besides, we wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for you two and your stupid candy wrappers and your freaky lion."

While Dipper and Connie were more than ready to leap to their defense, Steven simply let out a long, sad sigh instead. "You're right…" he flopped down to sit against Lion.

"Huh?" Dipper asked, sharing a concerned look with Connie. "No, she's not! Steven, Mabel, we would have never found the truth about who really founded Gravity Falls without you two!"

"Yeah," Connie soundly agreed. "You both figured out every clue we came across today, in ways that Dipper and I would have never even thought of! Buddy's book, the map, the graveyard, the cave… all of that was all you guys!"

"Nice try, you guys, but it's not helping," Mabel glumly sighed. "Pacifica, you had us pegged all along. We're just two silly failures, like that embarrassing president whats-his-name."

"Hmph," Pacifica crossed her arms, smirking. "It's about time somebody agrees with me."

Another argument was clearly on the verge of breaking out, not that Steven and Mabel paid much mind to it. Instead, they both absently broke a piece of peanut brittle off of the petrified president for a much-needed snack. Only for the rest of his longtime prison to begin splintering before it suddenly shattered completely, freeing the former president from his century-long stasis.

"It is I, Quentin Trembly!" he declared as he ripped his pants clean off without even flinching.

"Y-you're alive?!" Dipper asked, baffled. "But how?" Likewise, the other kids were stunned by such an incredible twist; even Pacifica couldn't hide her shock as it swiftly replaced any signs of her former anger.

"Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties!" Mabel gasped. "You're not silly, you're brilliant!"

"And so are you, my dear girl, and you too, my young friend," Trembly offered Steven and Mabel a smile. "For following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!"

"You also have Lion to thank, Mr. President," Steven nodded to the pink beast. "He's the one who led us to the cave where you were hidden."

"Ah, yes! Thank you, my good man!" Trembly held out a hand for Lion to shake. He made no move to return it, instead simply plopping down to resume his earlier nap, not that the former president seemed to mind. "Oh, he's so polite! How refreshing!"

"What the heck is wrong with this idiot?" Pacifica asked, put off.

"Either he's been frozen in that peanut brittle for too long," Connie began, frowning. "Or… he's just like this.

"By Jefferson!" Trembly exclaimed, glancing around. 'We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box…"

"It's a crate, Mr. President," Mabel clarified, grinning.

"Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America!" Trembly pulled the key out of his suit before slamming it into the side of the crate repeatedly.

"I… don't think that's going to work…" Dipper pointed out.

"Wood! My age-old enemy…" Trembly grumbled, putting the key away. "In order to get out of here, we'll need the silliest plan ever conceived."

"Well, there's definitely someone in here who can help you with that," Connie said with a knowing smirk.

"Really? Who?" Steven asked, oblivious.

"Hm…" Mabel mused, glancing around the crate. "How about… that hole!" She pointed out a tiny opening near the base of the crate.

"We shall leap through it!" Trembly zealously declared.

"Yeah!" Steven readily agreed. Without any hesitation, the trio leapt at the hole together, much to Dipper, Connie, and Pacifica's shared confusion.

"Ok, seriously," Pacifica huffed, thoroughly annoyed. "This has gotta be the dumbest day of my life, hands down."

"Guys, I don't think that's working," Connie said, frowning.

"Trust the silliness!" Mabel sternly asserted.

"We… can do it!" Steven cried, pushing hard against the hole.

"Fiddlesticks! Keep going!" Trembly urged as he led their ridiculous charge. At the same time, a woodpecker happened to fly into the cargo car through its open window, landing on the crate. It quickly noticed Mabel's finger as she wiggled it out of the hole, mistaking it for a worm as it rapidly, loudly began pecking on the crate.

"Is that my third wife?" Trembly paused at the familiar clamor. "Sandy?"

The woodpecker only had to beat on the box for a few seconds before its integrity wore out. Its walls abruptly collapsed, releasing its prisoners–kids, lions, and former presidents alike.

"Yes! We're free!" Steven cheered.

"Drat! We didn't fit through the hole!" Trembly scowled. "Let's rebuild the box and try again!"

"What? No!" Pacifica scoffed, leading the way to the door. "We have to get out of here, you old basketcase!"

"Also good!" Trembly concurred.

Fortunately, the door to the cargo train was unlocked. But as the door swung open, Durland just so happened to be passing by to get a bucket of ice. As soon as he spotted the escapees, however, he dropped it in shock and called for his partner. "Blubs!"

Not wanting to get captured again, the group quickly slammed the door in the deputy's face and ran in the opposite direction. They were left with no other option than to flee to the top of the train, though they didn't get very far before Blubs and Durland managed to catch up to them.

"T-there… is no… escape!" Blubs exclaimed, trying to catch his breath after such a hurried chase. "Oh… I gotta take a knee…"

"Are you okay?" Durland asked him, concerned. "Can I get you anything?"

"Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough," Blubbs warmly grinned at the deputy.

"Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?" Dipper asked.

"I've got no choice!" Blubbs said. "Our orders come from the very top."

"B-but we won't tell anyone!" Connie protested. "We promise!"

"Oh, we know you won't," the sheriff shook his head. "Because where you kids are going, there won't be anyone to tell."

"Well, at least that's the bright side of all this…" Pacifica muttered, mostly to herself.

"Oh man, what do we do now?!" Steven asked, panicked.

"The only thing we can do," Trembly said, his tone deadly serious. "We must leap off this locomotive and hope that the wild ocelots will be there on the ground to catch us!"

Everyone paused for a beat to stare at the former president in light of such a downright odd suggestion. Lion soon cut in with a sudden, loud roar as he reared low in front of Steven once more. The others all gasped when the feline's eyes and mane both began to glow white, and they were even more taken aback when something began to slowly emerge from his forehead. The pink, thorn-printed hilt of… something.

Whatever that something was, Steven knew he had to take the opportunity Lion was giving him. He grabbed a hold of the hilt, though he struggled to pull anything out until Connie, Dipper, and Mabel joined him. Pacifica took a nervous step back while Trembly stood by, fascinated as the kids ultimately pulled a large, light pink blade out of Lion's head together.

"You have a sword in your head?!" Steven asked Lion, dumbfounded. "Why don't you tell me you can do these things you do?!"

"Ah, yes! Why didn't I think of this?" Trembly grinned excitedly. "After all, everyone knows that lions are the best place to store one's weapons!"

"...This has gotta be a dream," Pacifica shook her head, incredulous. "It's gotta be. There's no way any of this is actually happening, it's way too insane and weird and stupid-"

Her concerns were lost on the other kids as they continued clinging onto the sword. They realized they might just have the edge they needed, however, when they noticed the cops shrink away from their shared blade. "Um, stay back!" Dipper exclaimed as brazenly as he could. "We have a sword!"

"Oh no! Blubbs, what do we do?!" Durland cried, cowering behind his partner. "They have a sword!"

"I-I don't know!" Blubs shook his head, just as terrified. "We weren't briefed on what to do about kids with lethal weapons!"

"Uh, what are we going to do with this thing?!" Connie asked in a nervous whisper.

"I… have no idea," Steven frowned at the sword. "I don't really have any sort of plan, do you, Mabel?"

"I'm totally stumped," Mabel shrugged. "But I gotta say this sword is the prettiest one I've ever seen! I don't know if that helps, but I just thought I'd throw that out there."

"It really doesn't help," Dipper rolled his eyes. Even so, her pointless comment–or more specifically, the silliness of it–did happen to give him an idea. "Wait! Maybe we don't even need the sword. Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?" he asked the former president.

"No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window," Trembly proudly said.

"Then technically you're still legally President of the United States, right?" Dipper turned back to Blubs and Durland with a confident grin. "You've gotta answer to this guy now!"

"Huh?" the cops paused, sparing a surprised glance. Still, Trembly hardly needed any prompting to issue his latest presidential proclamation.

"As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend that none of this ever happened!" he ordered. "And go on a delightful vacation." No sooner had he finished saying this than the train happened to pass under a metal rail. While everyone else ducked under it, Trembly was struck cleanly on the back of his head by it. "Ow! Mmm yes!"

"Vacation?" Blubs turned to Durland with a growing grin. "What place have you always wanted to visit?"

"Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!" they both proclaimed in happy unison. Fortunately for the kids, they didn't need any further convincing to abandon their mission and set off on their dream vacation.

Under the president's orders, of course.

---

After disembarking the Washington-bound train, Blubs and Durland were more than happy to board one headed for Michigan as Trembly and the kids waved them off from the station. Not wanting to worry about anything on their vacation, the cops had essentially cleared them all as free to go, regardless of any apparent matters of national security. Even if that matter was the long-missing eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.

"Well, my young friends, you've all done a great service to your country," Trembly smiled at the kids once the train had left. "And so I would like to thank each one of you, starting with you, Mabel. I hereby make you an official U.S congressman!" The former president pulled a top hat out of his overcoat and handed it over to her.

"I'm legalizing everything!" Mabel brightly declared. She fixed Pacifica with a broad, knowing smirk as she elbowed her. "You wouldn't call an official congressman 'silly', would you, Pacifica?" For her part, Pacifica only let out a sullen groan, far too exhausted by this whole ordeal to even dignify her with a response.

"And you, Steven, well I must say that we would have been remiss if not for you and your majestic pink feline! And so in light of that, I present you with this rare Medal of Honor!" Trembly gave him a large, stately medal, much to Steven's excitement.

"Whoa!" he stopped short, peeling back a bit of the medal's "gold". "Is this medal made of chocolate?"

"It certainly is!"

"No way!" Steven gladly took a bite. Curious, Lion leaned in to try to do the same, despite Steven's protests. "Wait, Lion, you can't have any! Chocolate is bad for you!"

"Constance," Trembly addressed Connie next. "I'd like to reward you with this."

Connie gasped as the former president handed her a weathered piece of parchment. "Wow! Is this a copy of the Declaration of Independence?"

"Even better! It's the original copy of the Declaration of Indepantsless!" Trembly proclaimed. "I penned it myself back in '39. It frees all citizens of America from the burden that is having to wear pants!"

"Oh… Um… thanks?" Connie said with a perplexed smile.

"And Roderick," Trembly turned to Dipper.

"Um, actually it's-" Dipper began to correct him. The former president interrupted him by kneeling down to his level and placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You, my dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I present you with my President's Key!"

"Wow," Dipper took the key, genuinely impressed by such an incredible, potentially useful artifact. "Thanks!"

"Don't mention it!" Trembly rose to stand before finally looking to Pacifica. "And last but not least… hm… say, my dear, you bear a passing semblance to an old acquaintance of mine: Natty Northwest!"

"You mean Nathaniel Northwest?" Pacifica asked, surprised. "You knew my great-great grandfather?"

"Indeed!" Trembly nodded. "'Nonsense Natty', they used to call him. Claimed he was a powerful wizard whose powers allowed him to eat as much tree bark as he could stomach. I have to admit, his 'bark buffets' were quite impressive–and delicious!"

"Aw, come on, really?" Pacifica face palmed. As if her already sinking opinion of her ancestor couldn't get any lower. "Not only was he a fraud, he was a freak too? Can today get any worse?"

She got her answer when a chunk of tree bark landed squarely in her hands, courtesy of the former president. "In memory of your esteemed great-great grandfather!" Trembly proudly proclaimed before taking a sharp, sizable bite of his own bark. "Enjoy it, my dear!"

"...I'll pass," Pacifica winced, tossing the bark over her shoulder. She shot Dipper and Connie a sharp glare when she heard them laughing at her expense, and indeed, they were practically hysterical over what the former president had just told them. Steven and Mabel, however, couldn't help but exchange a worried frown instead. Especially when they heard Pacifica let out a small, genuinely sorrowful sigh, when they saw her hang her head and tear her remorseful sights away from all of them.

When they realized that perhaps they weren't the only ones who were afraid of being looked down upon in shame after all.

---

"And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for like, three hours," Trembly finished up his anecdote as the group made it back to Main Street. "Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk."

"Agreed!" Mabel soundly nodded.

At the same time, on the other side of the square, Amethyst had long-since broken out of the stocks. She'd taken to trying to find a discreet way of breaking Stan out without Garnet and Pearl noticing, not that her brute force methods were having much luck so far.

"Come on!" she growled as she hit the lock with a stone repeatedly. "This stupid thing won't budge!"

"Is this seriously the best plan you could come up with?" Stan criticized.

"Hey, I'm just trying not to get caught by the 'cops'," Amethyst sneered. "Just chill out. I'll get you out of here eventually." She stopped short, however, her rock halfway raised, when she happened to notice who was passing by. "Hey, is that ol' Trembly?" she asked, leaping off the stockade and running off to meet him.

"Amethyst?" Stan asked, confused. "Wait! Get back here and let me out!"

By now, Garnet and Pearl were making another round through the square themselves. They stopped dead in their tracks, however, the second they spotted none other than Quentin Trembly coming their way. "Ah! Well if it isn't my dear friends, the Crystal Gems!" the former president greeted them with a wide, cordial grin. "Fancy meeting you all here!"

Before Garnet or Pearl could even show their shock, Amethyst popped up between them, completely unbothered by just how utterly impossible this entire encounter was. "Yo, Q.T! What's up? Long time no see, huh?"

"Amethyst, what are you doing here?" Pearl asked, disgruntled. "You're supposed to be locked up in the stocks with Stan!"

"Hey, I told you guys that thing couldn't hold me."

"And as for you," Pearl turned to Trembly next, confounded. "How are you even still alive? You disappeared well over a hundred years ago! Human lifespans aren't that long… Are they?!"

"We solved this huge mystery and found him!" Steven told the Gems. "Yeah, it was pretty serious. You guys are impressed, aren't you?"

"We are," Garnet said, smiling. "I knew you four would figure out the truth about who really founded the town. Good job."

"But that still doesn't answer my question," Pearl frowned. "I hate to be this blunt, but Quentin, by all logic, you… shouldn't be around anymore… So how are you here now?"

"It was quite simple, my dear Pearl!" the former president explained. "I froze myself in solid peanut brittle, taking full advantage of its well-known life-sustaining properties!"

"Whoa, so the peanut brittle thing actually worked?" Amethyst asked, amazed.

"Rose always said it would," Garnet nodded knowingly.

As Quentin and the Gems continued catching up, Steven, Connie, and the twins shared a smile, happy to unexpectedly reunite old friends. Pacifica, on the other hand, was nowhere near as satisfied after everything she'd seen and heard today. "So let me guess," she crossed her arms, her sights set bitterly on the ground. "You four are gonna spill the beans about this whole coverup thing to the entire town, aren't you?" She sighed, shaking her head in defeat. "I guess ruining my family's reputation is about as good a way as any to get back at me for making fun of you, so fine. Go right ahead," she shrunk in on herself as she turned her back on the group. "See if I care," she muttered morosely, making it very clear just how much she actually did.

The other kids fell silent at this, looking to each other with newfound uncertainty. They'd come so far to find the answers they'd uncovered; to not reveal them after all of that would be unthinkable. To not share the truth with a town that deserved to know its real origins would be unfair. To not revel in their hard-won victory over the very girl who'd made them feel so small and insignificant would be a waste. And yet…

"Actually…" Mabel began. She frowned down at the coverup document in her hands, already on the verge of making a decision. But what happened next only served to solidify that decision even more.

"Pacifica Elise Northwest!"

Pacifica froze, tensing up in alarm as she spun around to find her parents hurrying her way. And from the looks on both of their faces, they were far from pleased. "Where in the world have you been all day?!" Preston scolded. "You're supposed to be here, representing your family before the unwashed masses, not wasting Pioneer Day gallivanting off to who knows where!"

"Uh, I-I was just-"

"And what on earth happened to you?!" Priscilla cut her off, scandalized. "You let your dress get soiled–ruined–as if you forgot how much it cost to import the incredibly rare fabrics it took to make it! And I don't even want to comment on the state of your hair." Pacifica cringed as she tried smoothing her locks, left wild and unruly from the chaotic events of the day. Not that it did much good in the eyes of her notoriously vain mother.

"The fact that you'd honestly stand out here in public looking like that is appalling," Preston staunchly agreed with his wife. "Much less among the likes of such… low class rabble," he eyed the other kids disparagingly, disapprovingly. "Come along so we can get you cleaned up before anyone starts spreading any sort of unsavory rumors. Or worse yet, before the press can snap a photo of you in such a sorry state."

Pacifica could only obediently nod, rubbing her arm as she began to follow her parents as they swiftly walked away. At least until Mabel grabbed her by the arm to stop her.

"Pacifica, wait." She took one last glance at the coverup document before, in one swift move, she tore the page clean in half.

"What?" Connie started, aghast.

"Mabel!" Dipper protested, just as shocked.

For her part, however, Mabel largely ignored them in favor of offering Pacifica a small, reassuring smile instead. "We won't tell anyone about your great-great grandpa. Your secret's safe with us."

"R-really?" Pacifica asked, bewildered. "But… I don't understand. Why wouldn't you?"

"'Cause we've got nothing to prove," Mabel shrugged, still smiling. "After everything that's happened today, I've learned that being silly is actually awesome!"

"Yeah!" Steven eagerly agreed. "Who needs Serious Steven when I can just be the Steven I was always meant to be: Silly Steven!"

"Besides," Mabel continued. "It seems like what people think about you and your family is really important to you, just like being silly is important to me and Steven. We didn't let you ruin that for us, so we're not gonna ruin that for you."

For a long moment, Pacifica was far too stunned to say a single word. Instead, she simply looked between the four of them, wide-eyed and wondrous, as if she was trying and failing to figure them out. In the end, all she really could do was shake her head, lost in the mystery that was, well, the "Mystery Kids". "I… I don't know what to say…"

"You could try with thanks," Steven suggested with a small, sincere laugh.

Pacifica hesitated, ultimately biting the word out as if she didn't want to say it. Which, by all accounts, she really didn't, but still. But still. "T-thanks…" she managed, softly and sincerely. And yet, as she turned to leave, she couldn't help but offer them all one final, almost astonished look all the same.

"Pacifica!" her father's sharp call swiftly snapped her out of it.

"Coming!" she returned. But not before that last look suddenly shifted into, of all things, a smile.

Steven and Mabel returned that smile as they watched her run off. Dipper and Connie, however, couldn't come close to sharing it. "Are you guys serious?" Dipper asked, incredulous.

"Um… no?" Steven shrugged. "Isn't that kind of the whole point?"

"How could you just destroy the evidence of the coverup?" Connie elaborated with an indignant huff. "After how Pacifica treated you guys earlier, she deserved to be just as embarrassed as you both were. But you instead, you just let her off the hook? Why?"

"Because I'm not so sure she did deserve it," Mabel said, frowning. "She was mean to us, yeah, but… did you see how her parents were acting? It kinda explains where at least a little of that meanness was coming from."

"And besides, it's like we said," Steven added. "No matter what anyone says, we don't need to be ashamed of being silly; it's just who we are! And well, I think who we are is pretty great!"

Despite their misgivings, Dipper and Connie couldn't help but fold into a set of agreeing smiles at this. The sweetness of the moment was soon interrupted by Trembly as he bid the Gems a bizarre farewell (by 'hopscotching' away from them) to rejoin the kids instead. "Children, I am needed elsewhere," the former president informed. "But just know that I'll always be right here… on the negative twelve dollar bill." Trembly pulled out said dollar and handed it to Dipper.

"Whoa," he stared down at it, both impressed and underwhelmed all at once. "This is… worthless."

"It's less than worthless, my boy. Trembly away!" Without any further ado, the former president performed a magnificent leap and landed backwards on a nearby horse. The horse reared up on its hind legs before it ran off, galloping away with Trembly until they were both out of sight.

"Bye, Mr. President!" Steven called after him, waving.

"Where do you think he's going?" Mabel asked.

Dipper offered a guess that'd be all too in-character for the silliest president the states had ever seen. "I'm gonna say… off a cliff."

---

"And then Soos came by and talked to me for like an hour!" Stan recounted when the kids and the Gems came by to visit him in the stocks. "And Amethyst wasn't any help, what with her crazy 'escape plans'."

"Hey, I tried!" Amethyst argued. "And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you guys," she scowled at Garnet and Pearl.

"Well, clearly we learned that capital punishment doesn't do anything for you, Amethyst," Pearl crossed her arms. "But we wouldn't have to implement such measures if you would just behave!"

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Aw, poor Grunkle Stan! You've been through so much!" Mabel crooned, sympathetic.

"So, um, can we let him out now?" Dipper asked Garnet and Pearl.

"I don't see why not," Garnet shrugged, apathetic.

Fortunately, Dipper had just the tool on hand to do exactly that. He pulled out the President's Key, which somehow perfectly fit in the stockade's lock, true to Trembly's word. "What do you know? It actually worked!" he grinned, pleasantly surprised.

Stan, meanwhile, rubbed his sore wrists and stretched his back out as he finally stood out of the stocks, curiously eyeing his niece all the while. "So what's with the top hat?"

"I am a congressman!" Mabel proudly proclaimed.

"Pardon me?"

"You're officially pardoned."

"It's so great how nicely everything turned out in the end," Steven piped up, grinning. "You know, I think I feel a song coming on!"

"Yeah, Ste-man!" Amethyst cheered him on as he pulled his ukulele out and tuned it.

"Please, don't," Stan tiredly protested. In the end, however, nothing could stop the cheerful tune that inevitably ensued.

"Ohhhhhhh, that's the end of another day! It was mighty serious, I have to say,"he sang excitedly. "Connie, Dipper, Mabel, and Steven too, we all looked really cool-when we found the eighth-and-a-half president of Americaaaaa!"

Steven ended with a bright flourish on his ukulele as he joined the others in a bout of warm laughter. "Nice song," Connie commented with a smile.

"Geez," Stan flatly looked between Steven and Mabel. "You two runts are never gonna make sense, are you?"

"No, we're not, Grunkle Stan," Mabel said, earnest. Likewise, Steven happily nodded his agreement, content for both of them to stay as silly as they pleased. "No we're not. Mabel away!"

Without any warning, Mabel jumped backwards as a callback to Trembly's earlier retreat. Steven didn't hesitate to join her, laughing all the while, even as they both landed with a resounding, clumsy crash. "We're fine!"

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Next time... the Universes and the Pines take to the stars... Or do they? Don't forget to leave a REVIEW! Until next time!