THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE - IT'S MY PARTY

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to"

LESLEY GORE (From the album "I'll Cry, if I Want To" (1963))

Joey's only plan for the evening had been to enjoy herself, shoot the breeze with her friends and use that as her inspiration to not think about sex, for a few hours at least. However, shortly after her and Pacey had arrived at Grams' house, she'd noticed a woman there, whom she hadn't seen before and after being told by Grams, that the woman in fact was Jen's mom, her "Main Objective" had switched from simply having fun, to being the best friend to Jen, that she could be. Not that she minded it all that much, since she'd been wrecking her head with finding a way to help that wonderful girl from New York out, as thanks for everything that Jen had done for her, including helping her with finding her first boyfriend (something, that wouldn't have happened, if Joey had still thought that she had a chance with Dawson), staying with him (beyond the couple of weeks that their relationship logically would have lasted, if it hadn't been for Jen's constant support of and to them) and last, but not least, being there for her whenever she needed a sympathetic ear to listen to her problems, or quite simply being the best damn friend, that an often awkward feeling smalltown girl like herself could have begun to ask for.

"At least, we can't complain about the food, huh?" she casually asked Jen after their divine dinner, filled with all of Jen's favorite dishes and while they were watching the rest of the party mingling along and enjoying the music, which since it wasn't picked out by Jen, also didn't have anyone covering their ears.

"Grams always delivers, when it comes to big days like these" Jen coldly noted, before taking a sip from her cup of the very delicious homemade peach Iced Tea, that her dear old grandmother had prepared plenty of for this evening.

"Then, why do you look like you're attending a funeral for your recently deceased dog and not the slightest like a girl, who should be enjoying one of the most memorable evenings of her teenage life?"

"Isn't it obvious why? There's an alien presence in this house and until, it's gone from here again, I won't be able to relax a lick!" Jen bluntly stated, pointing attention to her mom, who'd more or less been MIA since they'd finished eating and whom Jen hadn't spoken more than ten words to at the most, since she got there.

"She can't be that bad of a mom. I mean, she bought you a new discman to replace your old one, that you've told me yourself is starting to randomly skip between songs and is ripe for retirement" Joey argued her case, although when she'd thought about it for a few moments, she also had to think to herself that any discman, even the most expensive ones, was a rather cheap gift for someone with as much dough in the bank, as Jen's parents had.

"A complete and total lucky guess on her part, I'm sure!" Jen responded with an added eyeroll for effect. "Anyway, it's my parents that we're talking about here, Joey. If there's one thing that I learned very early in life, it's that anytime you accept any sort of gift from them, it comes with some sort of hidden price, that you won't find out what is, until much further down the road. It's their "modus operandi", if you will, to get you to do, what they want you to" Jen explained.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but considering what kind of wild life you were living back home, you don't think that they only did it with you because you're their daughter and they wanted to find a way to keep you out of trouble?" she asked and even if Jen at first looked dismissive of Joey's "theory", after a few seconds of thinking about it, her friend looked like she considered it to be a plausible explanation, after all.

"I guess, there is a very miniscule chance, that you could be right!" Jen unwillingly conceded.

"Plus, she drove all the way here, just to see and talk to you. Look, I know that things between you are complicated, to say the least, but I'd call that someone, who's reaching out to you and is trying to make up for lost time. I can't tell you what to do and if it had been me in your shoes, I don't know how I would have reacted to seeing her again, but one thing that I can tell you all about, is how much not having a mom sucks big-time. Even with how much my life has improved, since those dark days after she left us far too soon, I'd still give everything I have, just for the chance to hug my mom one more time and tell her that I love her. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that we only get one of them and until, you make peace with yours, my guess is that all of that bad stuff and those bad memories will be in the back of your mind, with no way of getting them out of there" Joey explained, in perhaps not the most eloquent way, but in a way that was (relatively) easily understood. In either case, it looked like her little spiel worked on Jen, who was starting to look open to actually talking to her mom, instead of just saying hello to her and ignoring her for the rest of the evening.

"How do I even start that conversation? If I begin with "I'm really sorry that dad caught me high as a kite and naked in your bed with a boy, who I barely knew beyond doing drugs with him from time to time, in the middle of a school day", it'll just bring up every part of us living together that I'm sure she wants to forget, just as much as I do".

"If I were you, I'd try my luck with a simple "How are you doing, mom?" and take it from there. Jen, I know that it won't be easy, but as your friend and perhaps the one around here, who knows you the best, it sounds to me like this is something that you need to get out of your system, before you can move on with a clean slate. If you don't want to do it, that's fine and I won't mention it again, I just thought that it needed to be said" she honestly told Jen, who soon after had left her to find her mom, wherever she might have been in the house, she so long ago had grown up in.

When Jen had first found out that her mom had decided to make an appearance at her birthday party, the prospects of talking to her had seemed around as appealing, as running through the school cafeteria in only her underwear again would have to her (something, she actually once did on a dare in grade seven and got a whole month's worth of detention for, but that's a different story!). After talking to Joey and thinking about it though, she'd come to the conclusion that if nothing else, she could find out why her mom had decided to come and pay her a visit on this, the day of her sixteenth birthday. After first having checked for her outside and not finding her there, she went to the only other room, she could imagine that her mom would be hiding out in, her own room.

"Hi, mom. Why are you up hiding away up here and not downstairs, having fun with the rest of us?" she tried asking her mom, who was sitting on her bed and staring out of her window at Dawson's house on the other side of the street.

"Falling back into bad habits, I guess" her mom answered her with a kind smile to match, before inviting her to sit down next to her.

"You, the biggest socialite that I've ever met?" Jen half-jokingly asked her mom, before taking her up on her invitation.

"I wasn't like that at all, before I met your dad. Back when I was your age, I was more like the wallflower, who watched everything happening to my friends, that I wished would happen to me too. Whether it was when it came to me hitting puberty last or a few years later on, when it came to us finding our first boyfriends, I just always felt like I was a step or two behind them. Not that I condone how you acted out during that last year or two back home in New York, but I was actually a little relieved to see that it hadn't passed on to you too" Jen's mom caringly said and already, they'd had more of a civilized conversation, than they'd had for the past year or two, at the least. "Then again, considering what kind of place, you had to grow up in, it's also hard for me to blame you for it. You're looking like you're doing good here, Jen. Have you packed on a few pounds?".

"I just knew that you had to mention it!" Jen accusingly said, before almost getting up to leave.

"I mean it in the best of ways, honey! You're looking a lot healthier than when I last saw you, and when I watched you talking to your friends, it looked to me at least, like you have a much better and far more wholesome life here, than you would have had back home with us. That was exactly our hope for you, when we sent you to live here, if you weren't already aware of it" her mom explained, which also made Jen cool down again.

"It wasn't because you couldn't stand living with me anymore?" she asked her mom, who looked far more surprised at her daughter's question, than Jen would have imagined, before she asked it.

"How could you even think that? Jen, in spite of everything that happened and how things fell apart for you for a while there, you're still our daughter and we love you more than anything in the world!"

"In that case, why wasn't I ever brought along, when you and dad when away on luxurious vacations or to things, I might have wanted to see or be a part of too, huh? You're saying one thing now, but it goes entirely against how you've acted towards me, practically since I was born!"

"That was your dad's choice, not mine. Look, I know that I haven't given you any reasons to believe a word, that comes out of my mouth, but I want ... and by that I meant to say that my hope was, that today could be the day, where we turn over a new leaf in our mother/daughter relationship. That we could start moving towards becoming as close again, as we were when you were still just a little kid and everything was so easy, when it came to you. As long as I kept you fed and made you feel loved, you were over the moon, remember that?" Jen's mom asked her with a hopeful smile and although, those memories were too long ago for Jen to remember them, the side of her that wanted to make peace with the past saw no need to flaunt that fact in her mother's face.

"A little, I guess. What went wrong, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Jen, you have to remember that I was still very young and I didn't know much about anything yet, when I suddenly found out that I was pregnant with you, and your dad and I had to get married, before I started showing too much. Sure, it was me who said yes, when your dad asked me to marry him, but his family had made it clear to me that if I didn't, then I would be completely on my own with you. In that way, you began to feel like the reason to me, why I was stuck in that loveless marriage and that wasn't in any way fair on you. If I've taken any of my frustrations over my own life out on you, like I truly hoped that I hadn't, then there's no way that I can be sorrier for it. Do you think that there's any way, you can forgive me?" Jen's mom asked her and to Jen herself, this felt like she was at a crossroads.

Perhaps, this was why she (with teary eyes) made the decision to answer her mom with hug, that was received like it was the last hug, her mom would ever experience. It would be a long and tight embrace too, before either of them wanted to let go again.

"Who cares about the past anyway, right? After all, isn't it only the future that lies ahead of us, that really matters?" she sweetly asked her mom, who had to smile to herself at her reply.

"You know, the more I began to think about it, after you'd left, by far the best thing that your dad and I ever could have done for you, was send you to live here. Am I right?"

"Probably, yes. I won't lie to you, it wasn't all that easy to get used to all of a sudden living in the middle of the conservative heartland, but I quickly found some friends, who helped me with it. There's Joey, who's my mirror opposite in some ways and in others, she's like the twin sister that I've never had, or her boyfriend Pacey, who'll always be the first to offer his help to me, even if it doesn't look like I need it. Of course, there's Abby, who helped me to save me from myself, as much as I helped her to save her from herself and who now, when her future used to look bleak and grey, has really begun to flourish over the past half a year and it makes me smile from ear to ear, every time some nice happens for her, because I know what kind of horrible things that she's had to go through to get there. Those are just the tip of the iceberg and they're real friends, like I used to daydream about having, before I met them. If you want the truth, I was starting to think that it would never happen for me" she told her mom, whose smile seemingly became wider, with every word that came out of her mouth.

"Capeside is special that way, isn't it? One day, it can feel like you don't belong here at all and then, you make a new friend and all of a sudden, you can't imagine living anywhere else?"

"I know just what you mean! Are you still in touch with any of your old friends, from when you used to live here?"

"Only a couple of them, I'm afraid. There's my old bestie Carla, who I still talk semi-regularly with, when we see one another at parties and such".

"I remember her. No one else?"

"Not really. Oh! Actually, come to think of it, I just today talked to an old boyfriend of mine, whom I found out now owns a gas station in the next town over, thanks to me having to stop at it, to fill my tank up. He still looked pretty much the same, even if his hairline had receded a bit and he'd grown an actual moustache now, to replace the bad teen one, he used to flaunt around back in school, like it made him the coolest kid in town".

"What's his name? Maybe, I've met him around town".

"Darren Whitman. Man, I was so in love with him, that it feels like it was a lifetime ago already! Unfortunately, life and it's trials and tribulations came between us and instead of trying to pursue happiness with him, I wound up being married to your dad. Which isn't a bad life by any means, still ..."

"He's your one, that got away, isn't he?" Jen interrupted her mother, who nodded slightly in reply, while Jen in her own mind quickly was solving the now very easy puzzle, when it came to who the mother of her co-worker and friend Eve Whitman, possibly could be.

"I guess so, if you want to call it that. What about yourself and those damn boys? Any luck there?"

"So far, it's been more of the kind of disappointment, I got far too used to back home. The first boy that I flirted with here got far too clingy, far too soon, so I had to find a way to dump him in a nice way. It all worked out for the better for him though, when he fell for another girl, who's way more suitable for him and loves him back, so I can't imagine that he's carrying any grudges. After that, I fell head over heels for a friend's boyfriend and spent a good two to three months torturing myself with pining for what I couldn't have, not that it was anywhere close to the first time, I'd tried it. Then, I finally found myself a boyfriend and just when thought that everything was going great with us, he tells me that he's gay, so yep! It's pretty much been the same story as the rest of my hopeless and honestly beginning to become sort of pathetic, romantic history! I did make some really good friends out if it, though, so that's something, I guess" she semi-jokingly confessed to her mom, who looked at the same time sympathetic and pleased for her.

"Sweetheart, you're still only sixteen. Having a few romantic growing pains now and again just sort of comes with the territory, when you're your age" Jen's mom reassured her. "I don't know if it helps you to hear, but it wasn't until my senior year in high school, that I finally found a guy, who was worth holding onto. That it turned out to be plain old Darren, who I'd known since grade school and who'd dated all of my girlfriends, before he gave a thought to asking me out, probably surprised him as much, as it did me. None of our friends thought that we would have lasted more than a week or two either, still we ended up being a couple for well over a year. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't think about throwing in the towel on love, especially when you're still as young, as you are".

After a solid twenty minutes of Jen talking to her mother, they rejoined the party, although for her mom, it was only to bid goodbye to Grams and soon after, she'd hit the road and was on her way back to the city that never sleeps.

Joey, after she'd made sure that Jen was okay, like she clearly was, had spent the rest of her best friend's birthday enjoying herself and one thing that she'd told herself, that she would do, was to get to know Andie better, than she already did. Which admittedly wasn't much and she had to admit, that part of it went back to her fears (back when she was living over in France) that Andie was trying to swoop in and take her place, when it came to one Pacey Witter. With Joey being Joey and always having been the sort of girl, who begins feeling guilty over things, that she doesn't have much reason to feel guilty for, this had slowly begun to gnaw on her conscience, especially considering that all of her other friends were constantly telling her about how awesome of a girl, Andie was. After talking to her a little more too, Joey had to more or less agree in their assessment of her, although there obviously were some slightly annoying sides to Andie that she would have to learn to look past, like her always having to be the better knowing in any conversation, or that sort of shrill and whiny voice, that whenever she got excited about anything, began to sound to Joey's ears like the knives on Freddy Krueger's knife glove being slowly dragged across a chalkboard. All in all, though, these were only minor things, and she could easily see, why everyone else was such a fan of this girl, who (again, in Joey's own personal opinion) also badly needed to eat a big handful of greasy fries and a cheeseburger or two!

By the time they creeped close to ten o'clock though, it became obvious that Grams (who'd been up since five in the morning) was starting to long for a bed and to get her house back from the teenagers, who'd been allowed to use it for the evening, so they (after having cleaned up after themselves, it goes without saying) moved the party down to the beach, where several other randomly appearing parties were also taking place. Most of them involving an ample amount of alcohol intake, it almost goes without saying. This also made it pretty easy for a group of teens like them to score enough beer, that all of them could get plenty drunk, but the only ones in their group, who did so were the lesbian couple and the two boys, one of whom was the boy that she was crazy in love with.

As an added bonus too, she hadn't thought about that little three-letter word, that starts with an S and ends with an X, throughout the evening at all. Well, only almost, but it still made for a most welcome, albeit temporary, change for the young Miss Potter!

"So, you're sure that Eve is your half-sister, then?" A rather drunk Abby asked Jen, while they were walking the few miles from the beach back to her grandmother's house, following what Jen herself had to admit had been exactly the sort of birthday party, she would have wanted to have thrown in her honor.

"It all adds up, doesn't it? My mom's ex-boyfriend has the same name as Eve does".

"Isn't the norm that the child takes the mother's surname?" Abby inquired with plenty of slur in her voice, bringing up a point that Jen hadn't thought about.

"There's no way around it anymore. I'll have to ask Grams about what she knows, when I wake up tomorrow" she said, trying to sound determined that she'd have the courage to.

"Good luck. Right now, I just wish that a ride would magically come along, that can take us home, because my sore feet are done for the day!" Abby moaned and although, no ride magically came along to take them home, they still made it there before Abby's feet completely gave out on her.

The next morning, Jen woke up unusually early for her, something that she chucked down to herself having drunk perhaps a bit too much alcohol the evening before and which, she knew from plenty of practice, always led to her waking up early and not being able to fall asleep again. After a good twenty minutes of trying to, she gave up and instead put on some clothes, before heading down to join Grams in the kitchen.

"How was the rest of your birthday party, the part that you surely wouldn't have wanted me to be a witness to?" Grams smilingly asked Jen, before handing her a cup of steaming, hot coffee.

"I didn't do anything that could make you ashamed of me, I promise! Thanks, though, if it wasn't already heavily implied, for throwing me party in spite of my reservations against it. What can I say? You're a ten times better mom to me, than my real one ever was!"

"You're most welcome, dear. How did your talk with her go, by the way? I didn't feel like it would be proper to ask you, when all of your friends could hear it":

"Circa fifteen trillion times better, than I'd ever expected it to! Crazy as it sounds, it turns out that we aren't all that different from one another, after all. She just made some choices, that I never would have and that's the reason why she's found herself in the situation, that she's in. If you want the truth, I feel sorry for her now, more than anything else" Jen confessed, while Grams nodded in agreement with her.

"Your grandfather and I always tried to teach her that there are more important things in life, than how much you own, what sort of places you can visit and all of the other nice things, money can buy you. It makes me ashamed me to say it, but we must have failed her in that regard, or she wouldn't have married someone like your father. Not that he hasn't provided well for her, mind you, but I don't need to tell you that he's a cold man and those never make for good husbands. I knew it from the moment that I met him, and I tried to warn her, she just wouldn't listen to me. Don't feel too bad for her though, we all lie in the bed that we've made for ourselves and if she doesn't like the one that she's in right now, then it isn't too late for her to change her life into something better".

"Grams" Jen began, before taking a sip of coffee for courage. "Did mom ... have another child, before she had me?"

She'd expected Grams to be startled by the question, only she wasn't. If anything, it looked like she'd been expecting it come, for some time by then.

"How long have you known about your half-sister's existence?" Grams calmly asked, after a handful of seconds where neither of them knew what to say.

"A few years, only I didn't know if she'd had a boy or a girl. Was the father of the child a guy named Darren Whitman?"

"She told you, then, I assume?"

"Told me what, exactly?"

"How right before she'd given birth to her daughter, the two of them had eloped to Atlantic City and gotten married in a secret wedding ceremony?" Grams explained and in doing so, was putting yet another piece of what had become a rather large puzzle, together for Jen.

"So, when my mom gave birth to her daughter, her last name would have been the same as his, wouldn't it?"

"It was, if only for a few weeks, before she decided to break up with him and have the marriage annulled. By that time, their child had already been given up for adoption. I often wonder to myself though, what your half-sister is like and if she's had a pleasant life, since I last saw her all of those years ago. She is still a close member of our family, after all. Then again, I don't even know what her name is anymore, so how could I possibly begin to go looking for her?" Grams asked rhetorically, as Jen's belly began filling up with not just tasty coffee, but also a feeling of accomplishment, that she'd only rarely felt inside of it before.

"Her name is Eve, she's very nice, easy to talk to and I work with her five days a week. Would you like to meet her, when we can set it up?" she casually asked her grandmother and for the first time that Jen could remember having seen, the elderly lady was quite simply stumped on what to reply to her and couldn't get a word out, until a faint "yes" came out of her mouth, almost a minute later.

END OF CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE