Naruto Uzumaki: Unwilling Medium

Chapter 2: Don't Know What Death Is

AN

This story has already done well for the first chapter and is easily better than DiA and TSTC's first chapters. So, thanks for that. I didn't expect this to perform so well. It makes me happy because, just like when I first started DiA, I'm full of absurd ideas to explore. We won't have another DiA, so this story should be more focused. But knowing me theres no knowing where this will go. I can say less OC's however.

I am confident this is understood, but as I said in the last chapter, Prepare yourself for chaos and character changes. No one will be absurdly different from canon; just have certain traits exaggerated and others undermined. This won't lead to bashing or anything, of course, but don't be surprised if character A does something they wouldn't necessarily do in canon. The point of this fic is to embrace the weird entertainment we've all experienced in one of these crack fics.

While DiA is a super in-depth AU story meant to fully utilize the universe for my own story, NUUM (I can't decide if I live that acronym or not, lol) is the opposite. We'll have fun, not necessarily using all the characters, nor as many dramatic or absurd fights, and a generally lighter tone. However, the horror elements will offer the most wonderful contrast, lol.

One last note about NUUM (it's growing on me): We will be jumping perspectives occasionally, but nowhere near the frequency of DiA. Mostly early on, just to ensure all the pieces are in place. But once we get this show on the road don't be surprised if we stick to just Naruto for entire stretches of chapters. This one is not an example but the next chapter likely will be.

Anyway, don't worry; I'm not giving up or taking a break on DiA. I just figured another chapter for NUUM would be appropriate since it's just starting and people seem to enjoy it. Next two releases will be DiA. I think this will be the new methodology: two chapters for one and then switching to the other. This should allow me for weekly releases, and unlike TSTC, I can ensure readers of one don't suffer for the other.

Enjoy~!

[DISCLAIMER]

Pretty sure this is a first for me, but it feels necessary for this crazy ass story in particular. In NUUM, we will have a ton of fun using all sorts of absurd situations. However, it should be said that the actions and words of the characters in NUUM should not be condoned. This is purely for fun, and anything done or said is in light of that. Nothing read about in NUUM should be reenacted in real life. This may seem overly cautious, but I just wanted it to be said since plenty of readers may be underaged. You have been warned. Enjoy~!

Simultaneously - Orochimaru - ?

Time was funny; it cared nothing for events, people, nations, and regardless of what may fill it, time always marched dutifully forward. It had been a stroke of genius, whoever had created the concept and decided and developed a method to track it. Orochimaru had always felt slighted by the very concept of time. Why should he be limited by it? How dare it interfere with his work? Why would humans, the only being seemingly capable of anything, be so limited in their time? In his younger days, he had spent hours dreading the passing of time. Truthfully, Orochimaru was scared of death, and time guaranteed it would one day claim him regardless of how knowledgeable he became.

Before, he had stressed over every passing day, a built-in time limit on his work to become more. Worse yet, his goal of completely mastering all forms of Jutsu would require time he simply did not have. Henceforth, his roundabout method of immortality. Though Orochimaru recognizes constant body-swapping as unwise, if he ever fails to procure one, he may be as mortal as all the others. Making his method ineffective, every switch seemed to require a quicker replacement as well. It seemed even the human soul had a time limit.

Those emotions had driven Orochimaru to dark places, human experimentation, manipulations, outright murder, or even inhumane torture. While most would've been haunted by their sins Orochimaru had found them useful. It had given him his current longevity but even that hadn't been enough. Orochimaru could only achieve his goal and conquer time and death if he was truly, perfectly, immortal. Indeed, fully, undisputedly immortal. But his research simply couldn't bridge the gap. Until a theory had occurred to him. If he wanted to escape death, why not merely control it altogether?

The Reaper Death Seal was a technique utilized by his former sensei. It is a powerful jutsu created by the Uzumaki before their unfortunate passing. The user would summon The Shinigami in exchange for their soul. This allowed the user to seal away the soul of their victim within the belly of the Shinigami. For a scientist like Orochimaru, the possibilities were clear and endless.

This Shinigami they summoned, was it a god? Did it truly control death or merely have abilities that made it seem so? And if he did, could it be controlled? If the user did, could they control the death of themselves or others. If anything in existence had a method of resisting both death and time it would surely be a god. A god of death seemed even more appropriate for his purposes.

Furthering his research had been difficult however. The mere existence of the technique, let alone the Shinigami as a being, was a closely guarded secret. Only Hiruzen being so blind toward what Orochimaru was allowed him to learn of it. However, the hidden knowledge of the Shinigami was scarce throughout the Leaf and other villages. Made him question why the paranoid freaks had even bothered hiding it. Orochimaru had decided to investigate the Uzumaki Ruins for further clues. He figured the creators of the Jutsu had more knowledge of it. Surely, the creator had realized the ramifications of such a Jutsu.

His journey had worked out nicely. Just as Orochimaru had assumed, the Uzumaki had been hiding some knowledge regarding the Shinigami. Hidden within a basement sealed off by Fuijutsu, one that Orochimaru could scarcely bypass. Inside the hidden area was a scroll detailing information on the Shinigami and how to summon it as an underling…

Orochimaru now realized how odd it was. If the Uzumaki had a method to potentially control the Shinigami, how did they possibly fall? But he blamed Jiraiya. The fool had surely rubbed his contagious stupidity off him. Or it was simply the excitement of making real progress towards his goal. For regardless of the strangeness of finding such a conspicuous scroll, he had read it and decided to utilize it.

Orochimaru had left the Leaf soon after, if anyone discovered what he was doing he'd likely be stopped. And he had never been all that loyal to his home anyway. Escaping had been easy and now unburdened he had pursued his plan in earnest. Besides, if Orochimaru couldn't become Hokage, there was nothing for him there. Gathering supplies and helpers had been a difficult but doable venture. Sacrifices for the ritual had been more challenging but amusing at the very least. In a few short months, Orochimaru had managed to arrange everything perfectly. He had begun immediately; once he controlled the Shinigami, the world would be his…

Funny indeed, it was fitting a curious genius like himself had stumbled into trouble. It had seemed the Ritual Jutsu had been nothing more than a trap. It had summoned the Shinigami alright, but it had been waiting.

The interesting specter had appeared as expected: a giant demonic-looking human in a tattered cloak, horned face, and tanto within its mouth. The strange being had appeared, and within an instant, Orochimaru had recognized he was in danger. As well as the much more alarming farm that he was helpless.

As a powerful and experienced shinobi, Orochimaru had experienced the aura of many exceptional shinobi. The killing intent of even more, but just being near this being had him imagining all the ways he would perish, each worse than the last. Orochimaru had only been excited by such. However, if this being was truly a god under his control, he'd be unstoppable! But that thought had been nothing more than fleeting.

Instead, the being chuckled dryly at him. As if laughing at a helpless and hapless insect. Orochimaru had intended to give it directions before it snapped its bony fingers.

Within an instant, Orochimaru was teleported to where he was now. Orochimaru was surrounded by darkness and fog as far as his enhanced eyesight could see. Chilling breezes blew throughout the space, setting a growing cold within his very bones. Orochimaru was simply floating, helpless as he drifted through nothingness. Alarmed, the Sannin had searched for anything, but there was nothing as far as the eye could see. Nothing alive or dead he could attempt to use to his aid or even aspire to reach.

Orochimaru had, of course, attempted to escape with the use of Jutsu or even simply walking away. But the coldness within his body made him completely numb. Even an errant finger twitch took considerable effort. Moving an entire limb seemed impossible. Of course, Orochimaru could channel chakra without his arms, but it is impossible to use any of his more complex Jutsu.

His only option had been to allow the Shinigami to play its hand. Obviously, it didn't intend to kill him; if it could so quickly detain him, then it surely could've killed him with the same ease. Orochimaru would sit patiently and wait. Whenever it made its move he would have his chance.

Without the sun and moon, nor any true indicator of time passed, Orochimaru had no clue how long he had waited. Realizing quickly that he needed to track himself, he attempted to. Of course, he had to sleep and, as such, couldn't be sure how accurate he'd been, but he had reached four hundred and thirty-two thousand seconds before he quit.

It had been then apparent just how bad this was. Five days, more than likely seven or eight, with rest included. Not only was this strange place paralyzing him, but it somehow was keeping him alive. Five days were more than enough for him to suffer from severe dehydration. And he was. Orochimaru could scarcely speak anymore. His head pounded, and his skin had grown paler. He did not bother tracking time, nor could he; his intelligence came and went. So suffer it he did, yet…

Yet Orochimaru did not die. This place was keeping him alive… The only solace in this cruel fate was the visits from the Shinigami. Orochimaru had often pondered just how his subjects felt. Helpless and yet subjected to untold suffering with their cold-watching eyes of his gazing at them all the while. He now knew, for the Shinigami would come and simply stare just as he could. Whenever it did Orochimaru nearly froze solid as the cold became unbearable, he could feel his blood thicken within his veins. The Shinigami would remove its tanto from his mouth and remove a limb from Orochimaru before reattaching it seamlessly, with no damage left over. However, each time Orochimaru passed out from the raw pain, It never spoke or showed much emotion other than laughing heartlessly at his occasional cries.

Orochimaru had attempted to bargain with it, demand his freedom, offer more souls for consumption in exchange for his own, and, after what felt like years, even begged for freedom or death. He, Orochimaru the Sannin, a semi-immortal genius, had begged. If he wasn't desperate for death he'd be ashamed.

It hadn't offered a response for a while however. The two settled into a frustrating loop. Orochimaru would drift through the void, praying for it to end or for him to perish or at the very least. Then, the Shinigami would come and offer its tender care. Then, more void. Eventually, it spoke, a single sentence that had truly made Orochimaru give up.

"Suffer… it will never end…"

Orochimaru was no coward; even after its confirmation of intention, Orochimaru had plotted and resisted. But eventually, after what must've been years, he had given up. He no longer spoke or cried out in pain. No longer plotted, occasionally he tried to… but even that was impossible.

Orochimaru simply did not care anymore. There was nothing left for him even more. If he did survive this, he'd likely be much too injured and mentally shattered to enjoy whatever would be left for his life. He simply waited for the end, not confident it would come, but at the very least, it would be different.

The Shinigami's visit today was different. There was less cold and pain; it seemed to simply stare. Orochimaru matched it; he cared little for what it was doing. The lack of pain and fear sharpened his mind for the first time in a while.

"Soon… become one… suffer…" The Shinigami whispered into his mind.

Orochimaru merely laughed. "That's what this is all about? You can merely take me… I welcome the rest…" He waited with bated breath for its reply, but it did not. It simply continued staring as if waiting for something. Orochimaru felt just a bit of heat and hatred filling his body. After so long, he finally felt a bit like himself. "You insolent being!" Orochimaru spoke through his sand-dry throat with hatred. "You want my body or soul, then take it! How much more time must we wait with this!"

"Suffer…"

"I thought you were a god of death, not pain!" Orochimaru retorted. "Surely, there must be a reason beyond my suffering!"

"Shinobi… defy death… soon death comes to them… suffer!" With its cry, Orochimaru saw lighting as waves of muscle-tensing pain rippled throughout his body. "SUFFER!" It roared in his mind, it felt like it's voice would split his head in two.

Orochimaru replied passionately, of course. With the most blood-curdling screams, he could offer.

Minutes Later - Afternoon - Naruto

Naruto's latest hiding spot left much to be desired. That being a large and empty dumpster outside of a slow dive bar. But with the damn ghost chasing him and apparently being able to phase through walls, he could not afford to be picky. And so far the spot has proved effective.

It hurt his pride to have spent his whole day thus far running like a coward. A future Hokage hiding out in a dumpster, he would have to leave this part of his eventual autobiography, maybe the whole seeing a ghost thing in general? But he simply couldn't help it; Naruto had faced S-ranked shinobi, had fought people well and truly out of his weight class, and had blatantly faced death more than he figured most Genin did. But he was fucking terrified of ghosts. The idea of seeing one, yet alone confronting one, left him shaken to say the least.

Against almost any threat, one could count on Naruto Uzumaki to go to bat. He had risked life and limb repeatedly and gladly done so as well. But a ghost wasn't something he was prepared to face. Just the idea of the dead filled him with dread, the idea of a haunting inhuman specter capable of apparent intangibility more so. Something about a lifeless and hateful being scared him shitless, one that he was helpless to defend himself. The fact that the specter had moved Mr. Ukki yet could go through walls during their chase proved one thing. While the specter couldn't be touched… it could touch. Naruto really wished he had better luck sometimes.

Naruto flinched from within his shelter as the lid was ripped open. Desperately, he flung a kunai up as the lid snapped open, though his fear made him inaccurate, as it flew up into the sky uselessly. Naruto cursed as light filled his eyes, and something heavy yet soft impacted his head. It knocked him prone as the lid snapped shut. Naruto blinked, realizing it had merely been someone taking out the trash instead of the specter. With a sigh, he lifted and heaved the trash bag off him. And sat up shaking his head.

This whole damn day was going down the drain. First, the strange dream was even weirder than normal. Then this damn ghost had shown up and terrorized him, his damned teammates not helping him with said ghost, and now he was on the run on his own. The spirit was shockingly quick and seemed to be able to freely fly through the air. Even moving at top speed Naruto couldn't lose the bastard. Worse yet, despite Naruto giving the ghost the exact route of the chase he had used to escape bonafide Anbu, the spirit showed no signs of slowing down or losing him. Only his beloved Shadow Clone Jutsu had bought him the time to hide. Well, over a hundred of his clones spread out throughout his home. Naruto escaped among them, even a spirit couldn't be certain where he went. It would buy him some time.

Naruto needed to get to Shikamaru's place, but… well, he wanted to remain hidden. His own team hadn't believed him; while Shikamaru was a friend, the bastard was a pragmatist. Would he genuinely believe him? If only Naruto had backup, someone to second and validate this crazy ass day. He was certain he could convince the Nara to help him. But who the hell would be loyal enough to him for that?

The lid of the dumpster was once again ripped open, Naruto letting out a manly cry as it did. But his fear was cut off as a light thud sounded as the lid closed again. Naruto blinked in shock again. Hinata was huddled with him inside the dumpster. The Hyuga was red-faced as normal but at least maintained eye contact now unlike when she had been younger. Her longer hair was nice as well. She seemed to have done well in his absence, but why was she here?

Naruto went to voice his question, but as soon as he went to speak, Hinata placed her hand over his mouth as well as her own. Her face somehow appeared even redder…

Her intention for silence was clear to the confused blonde. He raised his hands in surrender, causing Hinata to release her hand. The two settled into an awkward silence at her behest. Naruto had never figured he'd been inside a dumpster, yet alone with Hinata Hyuga present. How was this his life? He was supposed to be a shinobi, not a damn damsel in distress!

"Naruto… are you okay?" Hinata asked meekly. "I saw you hide in here… you seemed afraid… no one would be trying to hurt you… would they?"

"Um," Naruto stalled for a moment. "Listen, it's a long story, and you wouldn't believe me even if I told you. Let's just say I needed a moment." While it would be nice to confide in Hinata, she had been one of the few people he hadn't had a negative experience with after all. He assumed she would be the same as Sasuke and Sakura.

"Naruto, I would never doubt you; you aren't the kind of person to lie," Hinata spoke oddly with an ounce of a stutter. "If you need help, you can ask… I'll do my best to help."

Naruto felt a glimmer of hope in his gut. The long and short of this problem was simple. Naruto was scared shitless, in big trouble, and desperately could use some backup. Even if Hinata doubted him, what was the actual harm in trying? At worse she thought him crazy, probably already did. At best he gained some desperately needed help. Decent odds all things considered.

"Okay, this will sound nuts, but I swear it's the truth. This morning, I discovered I was being haunted, stalked, or whatever by some ghost. It keeps following me around and moving Mr. Ukki and can remove his damn head!" Naruto explained the stress causing him to yell out.

"You have a plant named Mr. Ukki? That is so adorable—I mean, a ghost, you say?" Hinata asked.

"Why does everyone focus on Mr. Ukki? Yes, I do a bit of gardening—sue me—it's relaxing!" Naruto replied, explaining with a dramatic shake of his head. "But yes, I mean the whole nine. Pale skin, transparent, unable to be touched, and terrifying as all hell!"

"Okay, so where is it now?"

Naruto balked openly at her complete compliance. "Wait, you believe me?"

"I have utter faith in you, Naruto," Hinata replied with a small smile. Naruto couldn't believe it; his best friends doubted him, but Hinata didn't? Sasuke and Sakura sucked! When he got proof of this whole thing, he'd never let them hear the end of it! After this he and Hinata were thick as thieves!

Naruto couldn't help himself. He lurched forward and gave Hinata a massive hug. It felt so good for someone to believe him! However, a second later, she went limp. The blonde blinked. What the hell?! He could feel her breath, and by it was clear she was unconscious. Before Naruto could even decide how to continue his earlier fear proved prophetic.

The lid of the trashcan was ripped open as the cold, pure white eyes and pale skin of his pursuer peered within the can. Terrifyingly, it didn't move or do anything; it just stared emptily at him. Naruto felt many emotions at that moment. Confusion on why Hinata had fainted, anger at the damn ghost for finding him again, terror as he gazed into the milky pools it had for eyes, and indignance over him yet again crying out in terror. Naruto threw Hinata over his shoulder and leapt out of the can and over the ghost with a mighty jump. The specter merely turned to keep him within eyesight as Naruto landed on the bar's roof. Though the blonde turned around quickly to haul ass.

Powered by pure terror, Naruto leaped between several buildings, ran along an electric wire, and dived behind a sign for a massage parlor. Naruto summoned dozens of more clones using the momentary blockage of the line of sight the sign provided. They all formed pairs, some transforming into Hinata while the others carried them off. The group of blondes raced off in different directions, the specter merely staring at them as they escaped with a chorus of rude taunts directed at it.

"Screw it, whether he believes me or not, I know I can make him help." Naruto decreed as he and the real Hinata fled away from the others and to the home of Shikamaru. "I got his usual package for him after all!"

X-X

Shikamaru had moved out of his home, apparently. His mother had given him the address and assured him Hinata was alright. She seemed strangely amused when Naruto explained she had fainted and assured him she had merely been overstimulated. Naruto had no clue what this meant, but she had also ensured Shikamaru would have smelling salts. So, regardless, the Nara could solve both his problems at once.

Shockingly, the Nara lived deep in the shadier district of Leaf Village. It was a small and homely-looking studio apartment sandwiched between two separate bars. The home was slightly bare from the outside; there were no signs or plants up front. The windows were barred, and the door was steel with a sliding eye plate at the top.

Naruto sighed, already tired of the absurdity of the day, and knocked three times as Shikamaru's mother had warned him. The sliding plate opened with a snap as a pair of blue eyes gazed at him from inside.

"Naruto?" Ino asked, surprised. "I didn't even know you had returned yet; perhaps that will motivate the damn slacker… come in!" Naruto smiled before frowning at the number of locks unlocked from within before Ino opened the door with a polite smile. It broke for a moment before an amused smile returned. "You did something, didn't you?"

"What the hell? Of course not, we were hiding in a dumpster-" Naruto began.

"Kind of the worst place for a hook-up."

"She had just confessed her utter faith in me."

"Oooh, that almost sounds romantic."

"Which made me happy, so I gave her a big hug… did I hug her too hard?" Naruto asked earnestly.

"Oh Naruto, please never change. And don't worry, not sure you could hug her hard enough! Bring her in; if you are here, you need Shikamaru I'm sure. Hey lazy bastard! We have a surprise guest!"

"Yeah I heard you two blondes talking. Did you think I could really miss it?" Shikamaru's tired voice responded from within. Naruto carried Hinata in as Ino led him to the primary and only space of the studio apartment. It was dimly lit by fashionable chandeliers from the roof. The room was filled with a massive L shaped couch, which Shikamaru and Choji inhabited. Choji was digging through a comically large bag of potato chips, and the Nara lazily watched TV at the other end of the couch. The large and luxurious furniture and the rare and oh-so-expensive television made it clear that Shikamaru had come into some money while Naruto was gone. Did everyone just do great without him?!

"Naruto, it's good to see you. I hope the training trip went well, but just to get it out of the way, no." Shikamaru spoke lazily as he drew an oddly fragrant cigarette from his pouch and lit it.

"No?" Naruto asked, shocked, as Ino sighed and plopped herself onto the couch beside Shikamaru, grabbing the cigarette and taking a deep drag before passing it to Choji. "What do you mean no? We haven't seen each other in years! Does our friendship mean so little to you?! And how the hell did you know I needed help?!"

"Naruto, I'm a publicly known genius," Shikamaru replied. "You'd be surprised how many people think I can solve almost any problem and as such come to me for it. Also, based on you carrying Hinata here instead of a hospital and the unmistakable stench of trash, you are on the run and in hiding for reasons I scarcely wanna know. I acknowledge we are friends and care about you a fair bit. But I have no interest in getting involved in something that has the bravest guy I know running scared. Though because I acknowledge that you are a friend, I will allow you to crash here to hide out, with the condition that neither my teammates are responsible for bailing you out in whatever trouble you're in."

"You heartless bastard!" Naruto roared in response.

"I prefer to consider myself a pragmatist personally," Shikamaru replied with a shrug. "Sorry, not risking the pleasure of my day off, nor my teammates for nothing."

Naruto blinked blandly at the Nara before he cursed and set Hinata down on the couch next to Choji. "One second, can we get smelling salts? Your mother said you had some?" Ino nodded, getting up and heading toward a cabinet and fishing through it before tossing Choji a bag full of orange-wrapped strange bars. The Akimichi stuffed his face with one hand and used the other to withdraw one of the bars and snap it before placing it below Hinata's nose. Hinata gasped as she awoke and she suddenly slapped Choji. While the hilarity played out, Naruto fished through his own pouch, withdrawing a shoebox, tightly wrapped in layers of tape, the package SHikamaru had asked him to retrieve. He tossed it to Nara as a now slapped Choji explained to Hinata what was going on. "Remember you asked me to look for a certain plant during my trip. It was harder than hell, but I found some of it. Said you couldn't do this for nothing, but you're not the kind of guy to not repay a favor. In exchange for finding this I need your help." Naruto explained as the Nara sliced open the package without fully revealing it's contents. "What kind of tobacco is that anyway? Way different than any I've seen before." It had been quite the strange and fragrant plant.

"Don't worry about that, Naruto," Ino answered as she leaned over and sniffed the opened package with a smile. "Though I do think we should hear him out, Shikamaru. The guy picked out some good stuff, better than you expected surely. Hearing him out is the least we can do in return."

"I suppose it'd only be fair; I'd be an ass not to hear you out now. Nice manipulation; glad to see you're a little less of an idiot since the trip." Shikamaru offered a backhanded compliment. "So, what problem ails you?"

"Naruto is being harassed by some sort of stalker; he thinks it's a ghost." Hinata, now fully conscious and having moved to sit closer to Naruto, explained.

"I don't think, I know." Naruto countered hotly. Hinata offered a nod as an apology as he continued. "The damn bastard got into my house without breaking in, can apparently remove its head at will, and go through walls! Sakura and Sasuke couldn't even see it! What else could it be?"

"I promised to hear you out so I won't shut you down, even though ghosts don't exist." Shikamaru started with a sigh. "But even going along with what you're saying, there could be a litany of explanations. A targeted Genjutsu, some creep with some absurd bloodline, or even just plain old hallucinations… You didn't try my… tobacco, did you?"

"Course not; I hate smoking; the smell is just terrible. Not to mention the taste," Naruto replied with a shiver. "Besides I doubt tobacco would make me see shit."

"An acquired taste, to be sure. Hinata, you were with him. Did you see any of this?" Shikamaru asked. However, a stretch of silence filled the room. "Umm, Hinata?" The Hyuga was looking right at the Nara but did not bother to respond.

"Hinata, are you okay?" Naruto asked worriedly, looking over at the Hyuga, who meekly met his stare. "I don't know what I did, but if you're not feeling well…"

"I am fine! Just was… engrossed in my head. I unfortunately did not see anything. I… fainted before Naruto managed to save me." Hinata answered.

"Okay…" Shikamaru said with a sigh, taking back the odd cigarette and hitting it deeply. "Seems the answer is simple; whatever threat this is, it's clear it intends to pursue Naruto. At the very least, it means we have a home-field advantage, it'll eventually make its way here. We'll set an ambush here ourselves, find out what we're dealing with, and send it packing, preferably quickly. I'd like very much to get back to my enjoyable and uneventful day off."

"What's the plan, Shika?" Choji asked curiously, rubbing his cheek where Hianta had slapped him. "Not sure what we'll do if it is a ghost. Aren't they intangible or whatever?"

"One ghost don't exist, and two, it'll be fine. Ino and I will be prepared to counter any Genjutsu used; our combined chakra control should allow such with relative ease; even if we can't outright break it, it'll reveal if one is in play. Then, Choji, you'll use the clear the table plan we worked out before. This will reveal much about what we're dealing with and more than likely how to outright deal with it." Shikamaru explained his plan.

"You have named plans in place?" Naruto asked with a raised brow.

"Of course, team synergy is essential." Shikamaru drawled. "Besides, having one for almost every situation ensures you're never caught off guard."

"You have a plan for being attacked by a ghost?" Hinata asked curiously.

"Once again, they don't exist and as such no, but I do have one for defending this place from an assault and how to identify an unknown ability," Shikamaru answered. "With those two I can create something on the spot."

"Paranoid much?" Naruto asked with a sigh.

"It's only paranoia if it proves untrue; the fact we're using it now proves it to be wise precautions." Shikamaru countered. "Now, do you want my help or not?"

Naruto and Hinata both nodded as they listened to his plan and positioned themselves as he instructed. Naruto felt a grim hope settle within him; he had allies again, and now, he had a plan. This damn ghost could bring its worst

Simultaneously - Afternoon - Obito

Obito was no stranger to life-ruining, seemingly impossible days. He had lost an eye, his crush, and his ideology all in one day, which led to his current life. The plan had been simple and reasonable: Assemble a team of army-killing villains, use them to conquer the world, hypnotize the world, and force peace upon them once they did. He had even gotten the help of Pain, a prodigy wielding a legendary bloodline. It was the perfect plan!

The arrival of Jiraiya had been unexpected but ultimately not that concerning. The old fool had managed to stumble upon them on one rare occasion when the entire roster had been present. Even if he hadn't, Obito was confident the stronger members would have dealt with him on their own. They had chased the man lazily, sure he couldn't escape. And had cornered and maimed him with relative ease. Their plans assured and their interloper soon to be slain, Obito had felt relaxed for a moment before hell had erupted.

Hanzo the Salamander is a footnote to Obito, though one that unintentionally created his most helpful soldier. The man had run the Hidden Rain Village well, a dictatorship that had kept the small village alive. It was all built around a powerful, cunning, and paranoid man—one that Pain, or whoever he had been before, had managed to overthrow. The idea of him ever being a threat had been laughable. Even if he did come back, he wouldn't be able to face them.

Or so he had thought. Jiraiya had managed to crash land at Hanzo's grave. Obito honestly wasn't sure why the man had even had a grave. He had been a despicable and unkind man in life that wasn't missed in his death. But somehow, their little tussle had done the impossible, risen the dead. Any other time Obito would've been ecstatic, as any criminal with global conquest ambitions, the knowledge of the dead rising could be incredibly useful if not a bit absurd. But instead, it had raised terror.

The man was no longer human nor alive; somehow, he was nothing more than a specter. In truth, initially, they had been unafraid; Hidan was actually immortal, Pain could rip souls from bodies, and Sasori had bound him to a damn artificial heart. And Obito basically could become a ghost of his own at will. But this specter was much more than a haunting visual.

Hidan had approached it first, confidently laughing at the ghost as he asked it various questions. Hanzo had beheaded him before slashing his body into a pile of neatly cut slices. Kakazu had reacted appropriately, firing a massive combination of wind and flame chakra to blow it away, further aided by Deidara's creations. The explosion was massive, and nothing could survive it. But Hanzo had marched through it, stabbing the shocked Deidara through the heart as the rest retreated.

The idea of eight S-Rank shinobi running for their lives was absurd. The idea of them being pursued by a ghost and his ghostly giant salamander was more so. But Obito readily accepted the reality when the salamander had emerged through the ground soundlessly and gobbled up Sasori and Zetsu alike. At the same time, Hanzo ranted about all the violent ways he would kill them.

Kisame had stopped, confident he could stall their pursuers. He had summoned his giant orb of water and became his shark form. Obito thought it was a decent plan. Undoubtedly, the ghost still used chakra, and if they did, Kisame would be able to hold his own. However, Hanzo and his summon flew through the water without slowing down; the man casually sliced Kisame in half as he passed. Konan grabbed Pain and Obito, taking them to the sky and leaving a cursing Kakazu and Sasori to be gobbled up by the salamander.

It was around that time Obito had noticed Itachi wasn't among them. The Genjutsu specialist must've split from the rest during the chaos. Fitting the untrustworthy bastard.

Leaving just the leading trio of the Akatsuki flying slowly through the air, chased by Hanzo and his summon. They could fly now, which was great. Everything went to hell from there as they were pursued, and the resulting chase wreaked havoc through the Hidden Rain Village.

Obtio had tried flaming their foes, Konan, and impaled and obliterated them with paper tags; even Pain had attempted to blow them away. Somehow this damn ghost could touch them, but they couldn't touch it. How the hell did that make sense? Is that how people felt when they fought him? How miserable.

Pain eventually came to the same conclusion as Obito; their only chance was for him to exercise him using the King of Hell. The Rinnegan was an absurdly powerful bloodline that allowed the user some control over life and death. It would surely be him if anyone was suited to deal with an aggressive haunting. Obito had watched as Pain and Kona made their final stand and watched them fail miserably. At this point, Obito used Kamui to lose the ghost and return to the initial site for their battle.

Obito was still in his Kamui dimension now. It was the only place he could be sure he was safe from Hanzo. The grim, endless void of dim light and giant cubes was a gloomy place to settle over his defeat. At the very least, he wasn't alone.

When he returned to the battle site, he found Jiraiya having passed from his injuries and Hidan's head cursing uselessly. While he could not fix his body, he would need manpower to rebuild again. He took the head and tied it to his hip. Where the man still ranted hatefully about how he would get revenge. Obito ignored him as he thought of their next move.

He needed someone to construct a new body for Hidan for minion purposes. And someone who could aid him with a specter… there was a temple of monks in the Land of Fire, wasn't there? Uncreatively named the Fire Temple, the monks there were famed for their wisdom and unconventional Jutsu. Chiriku, in particular, was heralded as particularly impressive among them. So much so the Leaf had attempted many times to recruit him. They would certainly, on paper, be informed regarding spiritual matters, and perhaps they had some sort of method of helping Hidan. It seemed the best approach forward…

"Hey! Don't ignore me, you ass! What the fuck are we doing? Why didn't you grab my body?!" Hidan roared from his hip angrily, so animated he was he shook back and forth from his perch.

"I was ignoring you, fool, though I certainly wish I was." Obito spat. "I am the only one with both a body and competent mind, of which you have neither; I was planning our next move."

"But my body!"

"Your body was in the killing field of a damn ghost, one that had just finished slaughtering your comrades. Considering your head is something of your core, I figured it best to grab it and get out of there." Obito answered exhaustively. "We will find you something different soon."

"Okay, see, this whole thing is weird. Why the hell are you suddenly so sharp and competent anyway? Before, you were the only one that seemed dumber than me. Were you pretending?! You were! You two-faced blasphemer! You'll suffer a terrible death for fooling a loyal subject of Jashin!" Hindan rants, managing to incense himself all over.

Obito sighed and counted to ten as the head continued. However, even after reaching ten, the head had failed to become sensible. "One, I am not Tobi. I pretended to be so inclined to coast under the radar, but make no mistake, I am the true creator and leader of the Akatsuki. If you don't become agreeable and mostly silent, two and arguably more importantly. I can promise you I will leave your bodiless heap inside of this dimension for all of eternity. If I don't dice you into tiny cubes and leave you for the wildlife…"

"Well damn… harsh… so what do I call you anyways?" Hidan asked. "If you're the new boss, I must call you something."

"Perhaps a ghost from the past…"

"That's dumb."

"The creation of a broken society."

"Cringe."

"Just call me Obtio and be silent for the next hour!"

"Yes, sir!"

Minutes Later - Mid Day - Naruto

Hinata and Naruto had waited in tense silence for his pursuer to attack them. The group had arranged Naruto at the back of the room, with Ino and Shikamaru next to him as the last line of defense and Choji and Hinata in the front as the first. Shikamaru reasoned this was the best arrangement, considering the ghost seemed determined to get to Naruto.

Well, the two of them were tense. Shikamaru seemed more annoyed at the eventual disturbance, taking upon his smoke every few seconds as if he was heading forth to death soon. Choji was now eating one of two cinnamon buns, the other of which he had given to Hinata. Ino was straight up unbothered, having fallen asleep of all things.

"I can't help but feel like I came to you for help, and all we're doing is lounging around," Naruto said with a deadpan as he locked eyes with Shikamaru.

"We're taking this very seriously, Naruto. My plans will work; no point in stressing ourselves out. Whether we do not, this supposed "ghost" will come for you." Shikamaru replied evenly.

"Due Ino is literally taking a nap." Naruto pointed out with a raised brow. "Besides, I fail to see how standing up to a ghost is all that good of a plan. Are we sure you're a genius?"

"Yes, unfortunately." Shikamaru sighed. "If I wasn't, you wouldn't be bothering me. Besides, the point of this confrontation is to confirm your theory. From there, we'll go onto stage two of my plan."

"Why not just tell me the plan so I can share in this confidence?" Naruto asked, annoyed. While Shikamaru was his friend, the guy was always like this. Drove the Uzumaki nuts.

"Nope. I've learned over many years of knowing you that any plan you are aware of will go pear shaped. Henceforth, keeping you in the dark should work out nicely." Shikamaru countered with a nod.

"Come on, Naruto, you know how reliable Shikamaru is when he needs to be." Choji chimed in. "I always just do what he says; it works nicely for me."

"That is just sad, be your own person." Naruto commented with a roll of his eyes. "Hinata, what do you think?"

"I understand your concerns, Naruto, but we came seeking their help. It would seem unwise to not at least attempt their solution." Hinata said, making Naruto sigh heavily.

"Fine, but this is totally not going to work—" Naruto began as his eyes lazily drifted toward the door. As they did, he saw it. The ghost was crawling through the door, looking as dead as ever. Now, for some odd reason, it was wearing a red vest. "IT'S HERE! DEAR KAMI, IT'S HERE!"

"Oh my… Naruto was right…" Hinata trailed off, his most loyal ally proving her loyalty by seeing it.

Shikamaru shook Ino awake as the three stared at the specter as well. "Choji? Ino?"

"Not seeing anything Shika…" Ino said before trailing off back into slumber.

"Nothing either," Choji answered earnestly.

Shikamaru hummed before raising a hand sign and bursting chakra throughout the room. "Kai!" Naruto just trembled, however, as the specter did not disappear. Shikamaru noticed this and sighed. "So not a Genjutsu… Hinata, did you do anything to see it? Perhaps it's tied to belief?"

"No, I'm… only just seeing it; when I fainted earlier, I missed it…" Hinata answered fearfully, backtracking and clumsily falling into Naruto's lap, who wrapped himself around her fearfully. Though she the smug smile as she did caught Shikamaru's attention.

Naruto watched as Shikamaru blinked before he suddenly flicked Naruto's head. Before, he cried out in shock as well. "Well damn, he wasn't lying! Somehow, seeing this thing is tied to touching Naruto! Choji, go!"

Naruto felt a moment of hope as Choji launched himself into action. With a flex of chakra, he stuck out a leg, which grew massive and filled the front portion of the apartment before knocking down the front-facing wall. If there was a way to stop it, surely this would work. The entire front of the house collapsed and kicked up dust and debris, barely missing them. However, from the cloud of chaos, the ghost marched forward, seemingly heedless of the impediment and damage that had been thrown its way.

"Damn, how did it do that…" Shikamaru answered, stunned. "Alright, stage two! Choji! Ino!"

"Umm Shikamaru they left…" Naruto answered, pointing at the fleeing duo running for their lives. "Almost immediately after, it was clear the attack didn't work."

"Good." Hinata chimed in.

"How the hell is that good!" Shikamaru replied, dropping his face into his hand.

"I misspoke," Hinata answered.

"Let's not badger our last ally!" Naruto stopped the argument defensively. "What's stage two!"

"Simple," Shikamaru said before he turned around and leaped from the house to the roof. "Run like hell!" Seconds later, an angry Naruto and loyal Hinata followed after him.

"What kind of plan is this!" Naruto snapped. "I was doing this before I came to you!"

"It's a plan because running is only the first part," Shikamaru answered as they leaped from roof to roof. He dipped into his pouch and fumbled, withdrawing a strange glass vial. "While we run, I'll be testing this damn pest."

"It's a ghost, you stubborn bastard!" Naruto roared.

"It does seem to be so." Hinata agreed.

"They don't exist!" Shikamaru snapped before he suddenly threw the vial backward. It broke before it reached the "ghost" and shot out a large amount of water. However, the liquid simply went through it as everything else did. "So it's impervious to water…" He threw a glowing green vial, which hissed. It was exposed to the air and burned into the roof of a passing lawyer's office. But it also failed to do much against their predator. "Not acid either!"

"You can't touch a damn ghost!" Naruto roared again. "Not sure why that's so hard to wrap around your thick skull!"

"I refuse to acknowledge such! I am a man of logic, not some ghost hunter! But I'm willing to accept this is something odd. We need someone informed regarding this matter!"

Naruto growled, frustrated. "That's why I came to my genius of a friend!"

"He might be a "genius" Naruto…" Hinata started.

"I am!" Shikamaru snapped.

"But that doesn't mean he knows everything. We need a specialist." Hinata explained. "Someone enlightened regarding the spiritual world."

"Precisely," Shikamaru explained. "Preferably one with a reason to actually help us. After all, even if they are some sort of monk, they won't help shinobi for nothing. We're not exactly known as the "peaceful" or "enlightened" types. The two of you know anyone!"

"No!" Hinata answered. "Monks are a rarity nowadays! Besides, we'd like a priest or priestess if we want true help!"

"A priestess, someone who might help us…" Naruto began before he suddenly gained a giant smile. I think I have the perfect person in mind!" He whispered his plans to the others in case the ghost could hear them, and the group raced off for aid.

Naruto wasn't sure this would work. In fact, he wasn't certain Shion Weld even helped them. But surely she'd know something, and she had really turned around after he saved her and apparently the world.

However, as he increased his speed for the long journey ahead, the blonde missed Hinata, stopping Shikamaru from keeping the two from falling back.

"Hinata, what is it? We're running for our lives. Is now really the time to slow down!" Shikamaru asked.

"Indeed, however, I must address something," Hinata answered calmly, placing a hand on Shikamaru's shoulder before squeezing it with shocking force.

Shikamaru nearly cringed to the ground as she did. The pain, however, was dulled by Hinata's following words.

"I have waited years for some quality time with Naruto Shikamaru. That wait is over, so I just wanted to warn you that I will not allow you to get in the way." Hinata said darkly.

"Are you kidding me?!" Shikamaru asked. "I just wanna survive this; if you want to seduce Naruto during it, I don't give a d-amn." He spoke through the pain. Hinata nodded, and the two caught up with Naruto and began their long trek. All the while, their ghostly pursuer followed…

AN

Sorry for the shorter chapter, but it simply feels right and ensures I'm not throwing DiA off schedule. The plan from here is to release two chapters for DiA and two more for NUUM. We'll do that back and forth until DiA is done, at which point another story will take its place.

Once again, thank people for the relatively warm reception. It quickly blew out the premiere of the other two. Based on the decent amount of feedback for only one chapter, it is something that people like.

Hopefully, this next chapter doesn't scare you off. NUUM is going to be nuts, but I think the ride will be well worth the admission of simply reading. But feel free to let me know if I went too far into absurdity. I won't promise to dial it back, but feedback is always welcomed, lol.

Let me know what you think; offer a follow, Kudo, or whatever you like. Peace ~!