THE FIRST TIME

CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE - ONE

"One love, one blood

One life, you've got to do what you should

One life, with each other

Sisters, brothers

One life, but we're not the same

We get to carry each other, carry each other"

U2 (From the album "Achtung Baby" (1991))

"This has to be a mistake! It has to be!" Andie kept thinking to herself, as she laid on her bed and tried to take in that the mid-terms that she'd planned on being her ticket back to getting her grades back on track, had gone the complete opposite way. With the exception of a single, solitary grade that was close to being on what had always been the "Normal Level" for her (which solely meant A's or A-plusses), she'd underperformed in such a way that she didn't even know who she was anymore. All that she knew was that she certainly wasn't the same carefree girl, she'd been throughout most of her childhood. A girl, who'd seen getting great grades in her classes as her end all, be all for how she defined herself.

"How can you be surprised, when you already knew this was where it was leading to, Andie?" she could hear the ghost of her older brother asking her, even if she didn't feel like dignifying his presence with as much as a glance in his direction. "How are you planning on explaining those grades to dad, when principal Green calls him in for a meeting to talk about you?"

"He won't" she told him back so quietly that it was barely audible.

"If you're so sure of that, then why are you so deathly afraid of him doing so? You can't hide anything from me! I live inside of your head, remember?"

"I don't want you to! I want you to leave me alone, Tim!" she thought to herself, while trying to pretend that she'd actually meant it.

"The only one, who's stopping me is you, Andie. Why can't you accept that mom and I are gone and move on, if dad and Jack can?"

"Because ... I don't know why, okay? Maybe, I'm not as strong as they are."

"You've allowed yourself to become the weak one, because it's what's been easiest for you. Pick yourself up! Do something about your problems, instead of hiding out in here! Tell someone about them!"

"I can't! They won't understand!"

"How do you know when you've never giver anyone a chance to? Andie, if you keep on going down this path ..."

"Don't say it!"

"You'll end up in the same place that mom now calls home."

Was "Tim" right, when he said those awful words that stung her to her very soul? Andie sure hoped that he wasn't, yet the mere thought of facing reality at that moment was so scary to her that staying in her room and crying into her pillows seemed like the only solution, she could wrap her head around.

"You're kidding, right? Do I need to remind you of what Chris did to Grams' car, or that he's been a total slimeball towards at least nine out of ten girls, who have been unfortunate enough to make out with that piece of human garbage?" Abby had to ask Jen, after her friend had just let it slip to her that she'd taken Chris Wolfe up on his offer to take her to the Winter Formal. A proposition that it would have made Abby gag just to think about and for that same reason, not a suggestion that she thought any sound-minded girl should ever say yes to!

"I'm not trying to defend him or anything, but he paid for the reparations for the car out of his own pocket and he's already apologized to Grams, Melissa and both of us for it, so what else do you want him to do? Don't you think that everyone deserves a second chance?" Jen asked her back, although all it did was make Abby roll her eyes.

"Jen, allow yours truly here to fill you in on a few things, when it comes to one Chris Wolfe! I've known him since we were little kids and I can tell you for a solid fact that he's used up at least his second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh chance already! Jen, I know that you're more than a little desperate try some of the really great stuff for yourself again, but ..."

"A sad and pathetic fact of my life that the entire school will now know about before lunchtime, thanks to you!" Jen bit her off, pointing to the fact that their conversation was taking place in the middle of a school hallway, where just about everyone could hear them.

"I didn't say that you're as horny as an alley cat in heat in so many words and now that we're on the topic, who the hell gives a rat's ass anymore what everyone else here thinks, anyway? They'll just make up whichever story that they feel like, whether it's true or not, like they always do! When it comes to you on the other hand, I'm starting to seriously question your sanity or at least, your sense of judgment!" she tried scolding Jen, who seemed set on defending her choice of date for the dance that evening, though.

"Abby, it's just a date at a school dance. If Chris starts bugging me or he tries to ravage me on the middle of the dance floor, I'll just tell him to get lost and hang out with you guys instead" Jen insisted and even if Abby still thought that her friend was way off on some kind of strange sidetrack in her choice of whom to date, she could also somewhat see it from Jen's point of view, seeing as the selection of single boys in their grade definitely left a lot to be desired.

"Speaking of those around these parts with a dubious track record to say the least, how is your plan on integrating she, whose name I refuse to speak, into society again panning out?" Jen inquired, not looking or sounding like she actually cared all that much.

"It's been a limited success at best. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I like her at all, but I still have to try" Abby tried explaining to a rather un-understanding looking Jen.

"Why? Not to sound like I'm Grams quoting bible verses here, but if you ask me, the part about reaping what you sow sort of springs to mind, when it comes to the uncrowned queen of the bitches!" Jen replied, making her feelings on the subject perfectly clear.

"You don't think that the same should go for your new semi-boyfriend?" Abby teasingly asked back.

"Abby, how many times do I have to say it? Chris is only my date for this one school dance, because I was so focused on the play that I waited too long to find a date and couldn't find anyone else to take me! It doesn't mean that I like him or that he'll ever become my boyfriend!" Jen stated to her, sounding as unconvincing as she'd ever done in the past to Abby.

"Do you know who you unmistakably sound like?" Abby asked her, pulling out her trump card.

"Humor me!"

"Joey, during nearly all of the years that I knew her, right up until the day after she found herself falling for Pacey, like she'd no doubt always told herself that she wouldn't! To her, all that it took was one kiss from him and the rest is now history!"

"You're forgetting two very important facts. One, Chris isn't Pacey!"

"Well, duh! I have eyes too, you know?"

"I meant that one of them is probably the nicest guy that I've been fortunate enough to call my friend. A guy, who'll bend over backwards and do just about anything to help you, if you need him to. The other guy only has one thing on his mind constantly and it isn't as if he makes it hard to guess what it is!" Jen argued her case and in all fairness to Abby, was making a few good points.

"You won't hear any arguments from me! What's the other fact that I've supposedly ignored?"

"That I'm not a complete rookie in the game of love like Joey was, when her and Pacey started out. I've had my heart broken enough times to know which red flag signs to look out for and all that I'm still seeing is them floating in the breeze everywhere around him! Believe me, Abby, that boy still has a whole lot of convincing of me to get done, before I'll even begin to consider letting his lips come close to mine!"

"You can try to convince yourself all that you want, it still won't make it true, Jen! Twenty bucks say that you'll have made out with him at least one time before New Year's Eve" Abby dared her friend, whose stubbornness was suddenly beginning to look like it was getting the better of her.

"Not that I would usually partake in making what I think is a juvenile and incredibly stupid bet, but this time, you're on, my vertically challenged friend! Only, let's make it more interesting. The loser, that would be you, will owe the winner, as in me, a favor that I can cash in whenever I want to" Jen tried convincing Abby, who by now only had a headshake left over for Jen's completely unconvincing claims.

One thing that wasn't a lie though, was that any and all attempts that Abby had made to help Belinda to make new friends had either blown up in her face, or led to disappointment, which every time had led to another blow to her former rival's already highly fractured self-esteem. Now, where the two of them were on the same level for the first time, it only made it all the easier for Abby to imagine how it made Belinda feel to be so unliked by everyone, and it constantly sent memories flying through her head back to the dark days, when it was herself in basically the same situation.

While it was nearly impossible for her to handpick which the worst moments had been that had happened to her growing up, and her brain had most likely blocked out many of the most painful ones, the great majority of them revolved around her being constantly reminded that she wasn't wanted by anyone in their small town. Even if she'd occasionally managed to make a loose friend here and there, when those loose friendships always led to more disappointment when they inevitably fell apart, it became harder than most people would think to open up to a potential new friend. By the time that things had finally began to turn around for her, on that (in retrospect) almost magical evening when Pacey had helped her to take the first steps towards saving her from herself, she'd almost given up on making them altogether. Thinking back on that time of her life now, where she had the girlfriend of her dreams, not to mention more than her share of close friends and "extended family members" around her to make her feel loved, respected and wanted all of the time, it almost felt like it had all happened to someone else.

If there was still hope for what had been a seriously sidetracked girl like herself, then surely there had to be the same for a mostly normal girl like Belinda too, right?

Things in Pacey's life, for the first time in a long time, were going so easily that even he didn't think that it could last for much longer. Firstly, was how he'd managed to shock himself at how his mid-terms had gone far better than he'd expected them to. Not that his grades on them meant that he was in line to be on the honor roll or anything like that, still compared to his results from the previous two years, it gave him a real reason to believe that he could graduate on time with his friends the year after. Even his older brother Doug, who'd never been someone to hand out too much in the way of praise to him, except on those very special occasions where he could tell that it was needed, had given him a pair of thumbs up and told him to keep up the great work, while his mom had been so proud of him that she'd allowed him to choose what they should have for dinner that evening. One thing that worried him a little was that she'd invited his dad to spend Christmas eve with the rest of his nearest family, still if it meant that his parents could finally get along well enough to not start blaming each other for whose fault it was that their marriage hadn't lasted, nearly every time that they happened to run into one another, then it was an experiment worth giving a fighting shot in his own estimation.

The second and just as important part, was how his work with the nothing short of excellent psychologist that his dad had recommended to him, had been paying off to such a degree that his PTSD attacks had gone from being uncontrollable and happening several times each day, when they'd started working together, to now only happening on very rare occasions. With the tools that his shrink had told him about to help deal with them, they also didn't have the same kind of long-term effects on him that they'd once had, and while it had been an expensive experience that had wiped out most of his own and his mom's savings, there was absolutely no denying that it had been worth every single penny that they'd spent on it.

The only thing that he could think of that could make things even better, was if it hadn't been so blisteringly cold outside that taking his beloved boat out sailing wouldn't seem like an act of pure insanity. If the was one thing that he had to admit, it was that hanging out on it out in his mom's garage wasn't nearly the same as when he could feel the waves gently rocking it from side to side, like he was almost a part of the sea itself. Still, it was often his and Joey's best option for some privacy away from the youngest and newest member of their household, whose crying felt like a dagger to the heart, whenever he had to listen to it for more than a few seconds.

"So, are we all set for ... what we're planning on doing after the dance?" Joey shyly asked him, in between the wet kisses that they'd been sharing for a good half an hour, to celebrate that they only had one day of school left before they went on vacation for the next couple of weeks afterwards. Not that they really needed a reason or an excuse to of course, but with the alternative being that they had to help out with looking after the baby or help his mom in the kitchen, any excuse to find a private moment or two together was more than welcome.

"I can't see what could get in our way, except for one of us chickening out in the eleventh hour" he answered her in the sexiest tone that he could.

"There's no danger of that happening, trust me!" Joey tried to convince him yet seeing her revert to old childhood habits and nervously tucking her hair behind her ears, told him that she probably wasn't telling him the entire truth.

"Jo, it's me, you're talking to! You know, the guy who's a self-proclaimed addict to your hugs and kisses?" he reminded the love of his life, whose cute and adorable smile in response was what always made it so easy for him to say sweet little things like that to her, when it had never felt natural to with anyone else.

"Do you think that we'll feel any different afterwards?" she asked him back, sounding a little nervous.

"Different, how?"

"More like adults, maybe. It's just ... I still feel like I'm a kid in so many ways, you know?"

"I guess so" he answered her, trying to sound as understanding as possible.

"It's like I'm in line to get on this huge rollercoaster and I don't know until I've reached the end of that line, if they're going to tell me that I'm not tall enough to be allowed to go on it" she tried to explain to him, even if the look on her pretty face right afterwards told him that she wished that she'd come up with some other and better analogy.

"Joey, I won't all of a sudden stop loving you, if you find out that you need more time to get used to the idea of us going all the way" he told her from the heart and as honestly as he could. "It has to be the both of us, who are ready for it, because otherwise, what's the point of us doing it?"

"I am ready in some ... scratch that, nearly every way! It's just this whole idea of taking such a giant step into adulthood that freaks me out a bit. In other words, it's just another small hang-up that I can get over, exactly like I've done lots of other times" she (somewhat ramblingly) told him and although, he wasn't sure if she really meant it, a great part of him definitely wanted to believe so.

Andie had come to a conclusion, albeit one that she knew could have some serious repercussions for her if things happened the way she feared, they would. With there being no other way around it anymore, she had to at least come clean to her twin brother about some of the things that had been happening to and for her, ever since their mom had chosen that life on this earth wasn't for her anymore. Not all of them, it almost goes without saying (since it would be too much for him to take it all in at once), but if she could just get the parts about Tim out to him, her hope was that it wouldn't still feel like she was constantly carrying the entire weight of the world on her slim and narrow shoulders.

How do you go about telling someone the one thing that you know deep down, they don't want to hear, though? And preferably without the person thinking that you're completely off your rocker, like she still wasn't sure if she was or not? The only plan that she could come up with off the top of her head was to grab the bull by the horns and get it out there, still as she sat across from Jack on her bed after school was over and showtime had finally arrived, she could feel her willpower starting to buckle and the doubts that she'd tried so hard to ignore, slowly begin to creep their way back in.

"You've probably noticed that I've been spending a lot of time by myself, ever since mom left us" she began trying to explain to him.

"I can't say that it hasn't worried me. You're doing okay, though, aren't you?" he replied askingly to her, and she knew that how she said what she had to next, would probably define how he reacted to the rest of what she had to tell him when the time came.

"I can't stop thinking about her, Jack" she told him from the heart and already, a few tears were starting to roll down her cheeks.

"Me neither. Don't think that I don't miss her as much as you do" Jack answered her with a sympathetic smile to match that only reaffirmed what she already knew. That if she was going to come clean about at least some of it to someone in her life, then the boy that she'd shared a womb with was at the end of the day the only one that she always knew that she could count on. "Losing a parent out of the blue like we did isn't a wound that'll heal in a day, a month or even a year. You just have to give it the time that it takes, Andie."

"We both know that it wasn't entirely out of the blue, Jackers. We should have been there for her every day to try to cheer her up, or at least done something more than what we did."

"Like what? Andie, if you've been blaming yourself for her death ... I don't even know how to reply to something like that, but you shouldn't! I know that it's one thing to say it and another thing to actually do it, but her taking her own life can never, ever be your fault! She loved us as much as she loved life itself. Us, dad and Tim" her brother told her imploringly and she wanted to believe every word that he came out of his mouth, it wasn't that. The flipside to that coin, however, was the guilt that she'd felt inside ever since the day that she now saw as the day where her life forever changed in the worst way, it possibly could have.

"Speaking of our dearly departed brother ... I've started seeing him again. It's been happening every day lately" she confided to him and although, it also made it feel like a small weight was off her shoulders, the worry strewn all across his face instantly put another just as heavy one on top of them.

"I really wish that you would have told me this sooner. You know that I'll always be here for you, Andie" he said to her earnestly, although all it did was make her waterworks flow in even thicker streams that she now didn't know how she was going to stop again.

"I don't want this to ruin your life too, Jack! It's enough that one of us is losing our mind, don't you think?"

"You're not losing your mind, Andie! If you were, then there would be clear and obvious signs."

"You don't live inside of my head, so how are you supposed to be able to know? He says things to me too, that I know are only my own messed up brain's even more messed up way of dealing with my blatant insecurities. You can't tell me that's normal, because I know for a fact that it isn't! Does it happen to you, Jen, Pacey or any of our other friends?"

"I guess not" was all that he seemingly could think of replying in that moment and it took almost a minute (that felt like it was much longer than that to Andie), before either of them could think of what to say next.

"I don't know what to do or how to deal with this anymore, Jackers" she finally told him, seeing as someone had to break the silence and it didn't look like it would be him. "Every day when I wake up, I keep hoping that this will be the day where I can begin to take a few steps forward and instead, it feels like every time I do, I end up taking just as many backwards right afterwards. Maybe, I need to get some professional help again, I don't know. One thing that I know for sure is that it would mean I'd have to tell dad about it, and I don't think that he'll be as understanding of it, as you are."

"You're afraid that he'll send you back to that hospital, aren't you?" her brother solemnly asked her, almost as if he was reading her mind.

"I know in my heart that I'm better off staying here, where I don't have to feel like a freak all of the time! This is the only place where I can still pretend to be the same old Andie that you've known, for as long as both of us can remember. Please, don't tell dad about any of this, at least not until I'm entirely sure if I need his help or not. I just want to feel like I'm normal again, Jackers. All that I've ever wanted was just to feel like I'm the same as everyone else" she said to him through the tears that were making every word come out of her mouth in sobs, rather than how she'd wanted them to come out.

"Come here, Andie. It'll all be okay, you'll see" her brother tried to assure her in his warmest voice and even if she still wasn't nearly convinced by any means, she still allowed herself to be wrapped up in his comforting arms for the next few hours, while she tried her best to calm down again.

Even if Andie had only taken one step forward that day, it still felt to her like a giant leap in comparison to the others that she'd taken over the past several months up to that point.

Much like Andie had, Abby had also reached a conclusion of her own, only in her case it came down to how to deal with "The Belinda Situation" and if everyone else were going to treat this whole thing like an on-going cold war, then she needed to end it in the same way that by far the great majority of wars in the past had reached their conclusion: With a round of peace talks that if everything went according to her plans, would at least lead to a ceasefire between Jen and Melissa on one side and Belinda on the other. She'd been wondering how to go about it for a few weeks, when she'd seen a re-run of a Seinfeld episode a few days earlier that had given her what she thought was one of her brightest ever ideas.

"What in the blue hell is "Festivus" and why are we all of a sudden celebrating it?" Melissa (quite logically, you have to admit) asked her, as they made their way down to the empty classroom that would serve as the site of their "Peace Talks". With everyone else having left already to go off and celebrate their vacation, if there was ever a time for it, it was now and with no one else around, it also assured her that they wouldn't be interrupted at what could be a crucial stage of the proceedings.

"You'll find out soon enough" Abby mysteriously told her girlfriend back, just as they came up to Jen's locker, where she'd asked the one that the locker belonged to, to wait for them.

"Are you going to tell me now, what on earth "Festivus" is and why I have never heard of it before today?" Jen (in much the same way that Melissa had) deadpanned in asking her.

"Fear not, my dear sisters! All will be revealed to you very soon!" Abby simply told both of them with a cheeky smile on her face, as she led them down to where Belinda's destiny awaited her.

Stepping into the classroom, Abby could almost feel the chill in the air between the other three girls and it only made her that much more resolved to make a difference in a positive way at her school for once in her life.

"If you'll all start out by sitting down, then we can get started here" she told the other three and although, there were a few moans of complaint coming from Jen and Melissa, they still did so. "What is "Festivus", is a question that you're probably all asking yourselves right now."

"It sounds like it could be fun, but something tells me that it won't be!" Jen sarcastically just had to interject, before they could commence with the proceedings.

"It's a fictional holiday that George from Seinfeld's father came up with to fit Christmas, birthdays and all of those other holidays and special days into one day that is fun for no one, except for himself. You should all absolutely see that episode, I seriously laughed so much that I almost peed in my panties!" Abby tried to explain with a kind smile and to perhaps ease the tension a tiny bit but seeing as it was only met by eyerolls from the other girls, her smile quickly faded again. "It starts with the "Airing of Grievances" and since I'm sure that all of you have plenty of those towards one another to go around, who wants to start?"

"I'll start" Melissa quickly said, before staring Belinda right into her eyes. "I think that Belinda is the worst girl that I've ever met in my life and considering that I go here, that's really saying something!"

"I fully and one hundred percent second that opinion!" Jen quickly added.

"I get why Melissa doesn't like me, but what did I ever do you, Jen?" Belinda defensively replied, while looking like all of this ganging up on her was making her feel like she was around the size of a Fimbel.

"Hello! First, you tell everyone that I'm a slut, no doubt ruining any chance that I had with most of the boys here that are worth dating!" Jen started off with. Belinda though, didn't look like she was ready to back down too easily in the face of such accusations.

"A little full of ourselves, are we, Jen? Don't you think that I have better things to do with my time, than to go around backtalking some random girl at school that I've never had a conversation longer than a handful of seconds with until now? Get over yourself, will you?" Belinda sharply told Jen off in response and it suddenly looked like the tables were beginning to turn in Belinda's favor.

"If you didn't say those things, then who did?" Jen asked, sounding far timider this time.

"It couldn't be the guy that tried to ask you out every day for months on end, only to get turned down by you in the worst and most humiliating way possible. It wouldn't be nearly the first time that Chris did something like that to a girl, in case you didn't know. The whole spray-painting a death threat on your grandmother's car was all his idea too, I only loosely went along with it to get back at you for making me lose that election, Abby" Belinda said, as she turned her head to look Abby in the eyes instead. "Something that I feel like dirt for having done now, with how nice that you've been to me since I came back from my suspension, even if I probably don't deserve it. If I could go back in time and change all of it, then I would in a heartbeat, but since I can't, you'll have to settle for my deepest apologies, Abby."

"If it means that we can all move on from the past, then I'll gladly accept them" Abby answered, trying to sound as truthful as possible, in spite of not being entirely sure yet if she meant it.

"You can't be serious, Abby! After everything that she's done to both of us, you're just going to forget about all of it like that?" Melissa asked her, sounding almost in disbelief as the words exited her mouth.

"I know that old grudges die hard, but can't you at least try for my sake?" Abby asked her back and although, Melissa didn't like what she was hearing, it still looked like she was ready to listen now, at least.

"Look, I'm sorry that I outed you to everyone, Melissa, but try to take a second to think about how I actually did you a favor" Belinda brought up, to the surprised looks of everyone else in the room. "Before you came out, I could see that you were a sexually repressed girl, who was trying to be someone that you aren't and never will be. When I look at you now, I see a girl who's at peace with being who she is, and almost everyone here is fine and dandy with you and Abby being the teenage lovebird versions of Thelma and Louise! I've even overheard lots of them say that they think it's great for you and Abby that you've found one another, and I'm sure that there are other same-sex couples here too, who thanks to you two setting an example to follow, see that there's no need for them to feel weirded out by it. If anything, it could very well be the best thing that I've done since I started here."

And so, the grievances kept flowing for the next hour or so, until there were practically none of them left to speak of between the three girls that Abby was trying to make peace between. Was it always a pretty sight? Of course, it wasn't, but with the end result being that none of them were at perpetual war with one another anymore, the final results justified the means, as far as Abby saw it.

There was still one question that it brought out in her head, though. One that she'd sometimes wondered about, way back when her and Melissa had just begun dating, yet in time had been pushed so far into the back of her mind that she's all but forgotten about it in time. With this seemingly being the day for getting everything out in the open however, she figured that this was as good of a time as any to ask it, after the peace talks had reached their end and as she was walking her girlfriend home, after a last day of school before the holidays that she was sure to remember far better than she would nearly all of the other ones, she'd experienced.

After beating around the subjects for a few minutes to warm up to it, she asked the question that was as puzzling to her as advanced algebra was or why people keep hiring Gil on "The Simpsons", when he'd been nothing short of terrible at every job that he'd ever had!

"Sweetheart, how did Belinda find out that you're gay in the first place?" she asked Melissa, who looked like it was a question that she's been expecting to come for some time by then.

"She tried to kiss me after a wild and wet party that all of us in the cheer squad went to. She's just like me and you, Abby, only she's too afraid to admit it to herself. I guess that it isn't everyone who are as lucky as we are, huh?" Melissa answered her and suddenly, a lot of things started to make sense to Abby, like they hadn't before this.

Belinda was simply jealous of them that they got to be themselves and that they were allowed to express their love for one another how they wanted to, it was as simple as that.

With his immediate fate seemingly being carved into stone, Pacey figured that he might as well embrace it and try to show his beloved the best time in bed that he possibly could, given his limited and in some cases, non-existing experience on the subject.

It helped to know of course, that the chances of him disappointing her were minuscule, compared to if they'd gone right to it a year earlier, back when his experiences from making out with those of the fairer sex weren't as tried and true as they were now and there was a solid reason for him to have some sense of confidence that when it was all said and done, he would be left lying naked on his bed with a just as naked girlfriend, who loved him more than she'd ever done before.

As long as he got that much out of the experience, he would consider himself to be a very satisfied young man.

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE

THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE THE FINAL CHAPTER IN THIS SEASON. I HOPE THAT YOU'VE ALL ENJOYED IT AND IN CASE I DON'T WRITE IT ENOUGH, A BIG THANKS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR READING AND SUPPORTING MY LITTLE STORY HERE!