Chapter 14 - Well, Starting Now I'm Learning Fast
They don't make it far in the Underworld before two of the Jedi jump them. Anakin's not used to fighting with a Temple guard lightsaber but he tries. It's hard when he's trying not to hurt them and they have no such restraint. And he also wants to end this before Palpatine tries to get involved. Because Anakin knows he won't have any such restraint.
It happens too fast when one of the lightsaber's slashes across his mask, and half of it falls.
Great.
"Skywalker?" the Jedi's voice is incredulous.
Anakin sucks in a sharp breath, gut flipping.
They know he did this.
They know and – He's never going to be able to go back to the Jedi now. This wasn't what he intended to happen when he tried to break out Sidious.
"You're siding with him?" the other demands, aghast.
Darkness coils in the Force and they're both suddenly lifted into the air, hands reaching for their necks.
Anakin whips around, to see Sidious' hand curled in the gesture he knows all too well.
No. No. He's not going to kill anyone here.
"Sheev – " Biel beats him to interjecting. He looks just as freaked out.
"How were you intending to finish this any other way?" Sidious asks.
"There's always another way," Anakin argues, "It doesn't have to be like this."
There's a heartbeat of nothing.
Sidious flings the Jedi into the wall, knocking them unconscious. He steps closer, lifting a hand over their heads.
The Force is curling dangerously around them.
"What are you doing?" Anakin demands warily.
"I erased their memories of you," he replies tersely.
He – what?
"You – "
"Would you prefer to spend the rest of your life in hiding?"
Wait. He did that – for him? It's awful but he just – This has nothing to do with keeping Anakin as his apprentice. If that's what he wanted, he would've let the Jedi remember so Anakin would be forced to come with him. His heart is still pounding from how close that was to actually happening.
"We should go," Biel urges, glancing around anxiously.
Anakin nods.
They still need to get out of sight. They scramble off together, disappearing between the buildings together until they've entirely lost the other Jedi on their trail.
"I think I need to go back now. If... you can go from here," Anakin says uncertainly, when they finally pause to catch their breath, "Before someone starts to wonder where I am." And he can't go with them.
Sidious is studying him. "You... came for me," he states at last.
"I wasn't going to let them kill you."
"That would be what the Jedi want. What you were taught."
Anakin shakes his head. "No, it's not. We're taught to be compassionate. Just because so many Jedi have lost sight of that doesn't mean – that's not what it's supposed to be like. Everyone ought to have another chance if they truly want one. Please don't waste this."
"What are you hoping I will do?" Sidious asks, a bit dubiously. "Leave the galaxy to its chaos?"
"Just come home," Biel interjects, "I'll find somewhere off Coruscant where you can stay. We can figure out the rest later."
"Just – that. Go with him. I'll – I'll find a way to visit. I promise. Just go."
Sidious doesn't argue. This is goodbye and he doesn't know for how long. He's been away from Palpatine for months throughout the war, but this separation hurts a lot more.
He steps a little closer suddenly, reaching for Anakin.
It's all he can do not to twitch back on instinct now. Sidious' expression flickers a little at the move but he doesn't mention it.
The hand that touches his shoulder is gentle. It feels like the same thing he's done a million times but also different.
"You have an immense heart, Anakin. Don't let the Jedi take it from you."
They stand there for a long moment before he turns to go.
And then Anakin hears someone else coming.
How didn't he notice it sooner?
They all stiffen, right as Engel steps around corner.
There's a heartbeat of nothing.
Sidious is the first to move, taking a threatening step toward him. "Hear to turn me in, brother?" he asks, mockingly.
Engel's eyes narrow. "No."
"Then what?" Biel asks. His gaze is so pained.
Engel looks past them to Anakin. for a moment, before his gaze flicks to Sidious. "Whatever has happened between us, you're still my brother. I don't want you to die."
He – what?
Anakin shouldn't feel as taken aback as he does. But it's just – he didn't realize Engel thought like this about it.
"So that's why you turned me in to the Jedi knowing full well what they do to Sith?"
"I wanted you to be stopped but there's not much more concern for that," he replies, eyes, narrowing, "And if we're doing this, I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives fighting. But I need to know that you're not going to hurt Anakin anymore."
"I – "
"Please don't fight over me," Anakin interrupts, "That's all I ever cause and I don't want this." At least it certainly feels that way. And it's just – he's so tired of that.
Engel sighs.
Sidious is studying him again.
"You know, I did miss you after I was lost," Engel says finally, "If that means anything to you anymore. You were the only older brother I ever had even if we were so close to the same age. I guess I it felt like you were supposed to be doing more for me and Biel but I know that wasn't... fair."
"Such as distracting Cosinga from you more than I already did?" Sidious asks bitingly.
"I... don't know. I know it wasn't fair of me but – none of us can undo the past."
Someone please tell him that if he had siblings, he wouldn't feel like this about any of them. He doesn't even understand it. Doesn't want to.
"I didn't want you gone," Sidious says finally after Anakin's beginning to wonder if he even was going to say anything, "Even if it everyone else has always preferred you."
"Not everyone," Anakin speaks up, swallowing hard, "And – whatever your parents or Sith master did, you're free now. You don't need to be what they did to you." He moves closer without thinking, wrapping his arms around Sidious. He stills a moment but returns it loosely.
It's not the first time he's hugged him even if he's done it rarely.
It's so... complicated.
He loves him.
He's so angry at him for everything he's done.
He also feels awful for him.
And Palpatine was the only one there for him for years growing up as a Jedi, when he needed support. He can never take that for granted.
But nothing about anything he's done is what Sidious needs to hear right now. Even if Anakin can never forget the other things he's done to him.
Sidious finally steps back.
Engel nods to Sidious, before he and Biel move off into the shadows, disappearing from sight. Gone. Into hiding.
Anakin will contact them later. For now, it –
Engel moves over to stand next to Anakin as they watch the others go. Anakin glances over at him after a long pause.
"Are you alright?" Engel asks him softly.
"I – I don't know."
He touches his shoulder, the gesture so paralleled to Palpatine it makes his heart ache.
"I'm sorry if I've been upsetting you about this... Sheev situation."
"It's okay," he mutters, "I know I don't know much about your past with him."
"I was just worried he would hurt you. I didn't mean to make you more upset."
"I know. I – I'm grateful for that."
"I trust your decisions but I'm worried about what he could do down the road."
"Me too," Anakin admits, "But no one else is ever going to give him this chance. And he'll have to stay in hiding. He won't have a chance at anything else anymore." Which is somewhat fair considering what he's done. Having power again is more likely to make him start doing what he was before.
Engel nods. "Despite how this may have gone, I'm glad you brought me back to my family, Anakin. I just wish it was that simple for you."
Anakin nods numbly.
Sidious still is his family and he's gone. He's also never who Anakin thought he was and he doesn't think that betrayal could ever stop hurting, even if he still cares for him.
"We should get back before the Jedi wonder what happened," Engel adds.
Yes. they better.
At least Engel and the rest of Anakin's family are still here, whatever happens now.
**w**
The news about Sidious' disappearance is everywhere and Ahsoka has no idea what to think of it. She's also tried comming Anakin repeatedly but he hasn't answered in a while. Probably, he's out looking, unless –
No, he wouldn't do that, would he?
The thought is ludicrous but then she thinks about how upset she knows he was and she doesn't know what to think. Even if he wasn't involved, she doubts he'd be trying too hard to find him either.
She... doesn't know what to think. Sidious is dangerous and he belongs at least in prison where he can't be causing any more damage, after everything he's done, but then she remembers how devastated Anakin was, and –
Ugh.
She just needs to find him.
Which she finally does a little while later. He looks a bit shaken up and breathless when she catches up with him.
"Did you hear what happened?" Ahsoka asks, though that's basically a rhetorical question at this point. There's already a bounty out on Palpatine's head.
"I heard," Anakin replies. In the Force, he feels –
She's not really sure. "You okay?"
"I don't know." He shifts, not really looking at her. She can't tell if there's really a flicker of guilt there or not.
For a moment, she wants to straight out demand answers, but –
If she did and he said yes, then what? She'd be obliged to say something to the Council, not that she would but it'd be easier if not something she had to know. Even if she wants to.
"I know you wanted this to happen," Ahsoka starts awkwardly, "But I'm just worried about what he could do now that he's gone." She's also so angry at Sidious for what he did to Anakin and she wants him contained just for that, so he won't come back to hurt her master again.
Anakin looks up and down the hall, laying a hand on her shoulder and tugging her over to the window. "I'm worried about it too," he replies quietly, "And maybe – maybe he deserved the fate the Senate gave him but if there's a chance he could change, then..."
"Is there?" Ahsoka asks, "He's a Sith. He's done so many awful things." She'll never stop hating him. Even if she shouldn't hate as a Jedi.
"He went through unspeakable things when he was young. And even if he's been free to make his own choices for years now, I don't believe that's... true in his mind. I don't know. We can only trust in the Force."
It's not an admission at all but Ahsoka's suspicion grows anyway. Frankly, she has no idea what Anakin could have been thinking if he really did this, but at the same time, she doesn't know the circumstances or anything. Her master isn't stupid. He's the most brilliant anyone ever that she's ever met, and he has to know what he's doing somewhat.
Part of her wants to call him out on this because of what it is, because if he really helped Sidious escape, then –
But then she thinks about how everyone treated her the entire time Anakin was gone. How they always told her she had to let him go, because it was an attachment. And she could never say something like to Anakin, knowing how it feels herself. She doesn't understand this at all or his choices, but she... trusts him.
"I hope you're right," she says finally, "But if not, then we'll have to stop him again."
Anakin nods solemnly. "I know."
"The war's finally over or about to be. I just want it to stay that way." She spent her entire time as a padawan as a soldier. She wants to know what it's like in a time of peace. She wants to stop being afraid of losing Anakin or more of the clones in the war.
And as long as Sidious is out there...
Anakin squeezes her shoulder. "I know. I think that... there might be hope this time. I can sense it. The future doesn't feel as dark."
Anakin's always been stronger in the Force, able to sense things with a brilliance that she barely notices herself and if he thinks that, then she'll believe it. Maybe she'll ask about what really happened later but right now, she thinks she'll let it rest.
**w**
Anakin can't begin to say how nervous he is when Obi-Wan calls him to talk to him. The guilt is smothering him. He helped a Sith Lord escape. And he doesn't know that Sidious won't hurt anyone even if he thinks he's being genuine. If anyone else gets hurt, it's going to be entirely on Anakin.
But – but what else was he supposed to do? That's not something anyone can answer.
It doesn't feel like he knows the right choice now anymore than he ever has. He feels so lost. He did his duty to his family, but what if Sidious hurts the rest of his family? That would be... he doesn't even know.
And now this is something else he'll have to lie about forever, like with Padme. But this Code breach is far worse. He doesn't think he thought about the full extents of what this could mean until now.
Does Ahsoka know?
He thinks she suspects and he's overwhelmingly grateful she didn't ask.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan greets when he sees him, "I spoke to the Council. For your role in apprehending the Sith, even if he's on the loose again, they're considering making you a master."
He sounds... proud.
The sharp wedge of guilt drives deeper into his heart.
He can't –
He can't just accept that.
"I – They really believe I'm really for that?" Anakin asks. He would have been overwhelmed no matter when he got that kind of promotion, for all that he's always felt beneath the rest of the Jedi, but now it's... "I don't..."
"You might be young but with everything you've done, they're thinking about it."
Probably only because of his seat on the Council and speaking of that... "I've been thinking about... resigning," Anakin blurts, "From the Council. The reason they gave me that role is gone now."
And he doesn't deserve that.
He doesn't want the burden that comes with it either. Not now, at least. Not when his loyalties feel so divided.
Obi-Wan frowns a little. "You're serious? Your help has been... valuable. You've done very well on the Council, Anakin."
Done well to help to spy on his friend.
Well, okay, he's done a lot more than that in his role on the Council but... "Maybe you were right at the beginning that it wasn't something I'm ready for," Anakin answers, "There is a lot going on and if we're finally going to have peace, I would like time to devote to training Ahsoka." She never wanted to be a soldier. If she finally gets the chance to learn to be something else, he wants to have all the time he can to devote to her.
That's not the only reason and it feels like lying to say it like this, but... he doesn't know what else to do.
Obi-Wan nods even if he seems a little disappointed. "Alright. But I expect they'll give you the promotion to master regardless."
Anakin nods.
He's grateful but he's also... doesn't know anymore.
"Is everything alright?" Obi-Wan queries, studying him.
His heart lurches at the question.
Is it that obvious?
"It's just been... a lot," he answers evasively. The last thing he could do is explain to Obi-Wan what's actually wrong. He doesn't want to think about how angry he'd be.
"I know," he acknowledges, touching his shoulder. It makes his heart ache even more but he leans into it, and just lets it be.
At least things are more settled between them than they have been for a long time.
**w**
Anakin goes to see Padme as soon as he can.
"We have hope that there's actually going to be peace now," she's saying, flipping through files on her datapad, "Some of the Separatists are saying the Republic intentionally smuggled Palpatine away instead of bringing him to justice but... not many believe that with how angry the Republic Senate's been with him."
Anakin nods a little mindlessly. "That's good," he replies, "If there's really a chance. You think the peace agreement will be reached?"
"I do," she replies, breathing out heavily but she seems relieved. "It's been so long."
"It has," Anakin agrees quietly, The end of the war is finally here. This is what he's fought for, for so long. This is what so many have died for, so many of his boys. He doesn't want to think about how much of that was Palpatine's responsibility.
"I can't believe it either," he admits. He steps closer, taking her hand in his. She squeezes it back, smiling up at him.
"What about a short break from the Senate to just be with each other?" he suggests. He knows she needs that even if she'll never admit it.
"Everything's a mess right now but – "
"It always will be, won't it" he asks teasingly, trying to ignore the heaviness in his own heart.
"I suppose," she agrees, "Perhaps we can think about it."
"And maybe I can bring along Ahsoka and the boys too. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to hide this," he says softly. He misses when things about his family were simple. Now that he's back in the Order – he could never not be glad to be back – but he remembers how different things were when he was away. He never felt guilty for... caring for his family or for being willing to do anything for them.
Everything with Palpatine is so messy because of that. But at least he's alive and has a chance and Anakin's trying to cling to that hope, even if he's still worried.
Because the truth is, he can't trust him anymore.
"Don't say that," Padme objects, "The Jedi have always been your life. You can't get yourself thrown out."
"I don't want to be but it's just..."
"We've made it work this far," she assures, "We'll keep making it work."
He nods, even if he's disappointed. He couldn't leave anyway even if he wanted to. He's never going to leave Ahsoka or Obi-Wan or his boys. But... he can't help thinking about it just a little right now.
That it might be easier if he did someday. Maybe.
He wants to help people too, though.
He'll find a way to make both work like he always has.
**w**
He goes to see Rex with Ahsoka later.
"The boys are wondering what's going to happen now that the war is over," Rex remarks. "We've fought for this for so long but now that it's here... what's going to happen to us?"
Anakin's been wondering that too, in the midst of everything else. It had felt so out of reach before but now that it's actually here, it's a real issue. "I don't know," Anakin admits, "You deserve to be free. You deserve to be able to choose the life you want to live."
"We've always fought for the Republic, sir. I can't imagine any other life," Rex replies.
"I know," Anakin agrees. "And if you want to stay, you should be able to but especially now that the war is over, you all should get the chance to choose more than anyone what you want to do. We have peace because of all of you."
Rex nods, even if Anakin doesn't know if he fully understands. This is what the clones have always believed in, after all.
"Are we still going to work together with the Jedi?" Rex asks, after a long pause.
His heart lurches a little at the words. He knows the clones won't forever work with the Jedi, but that – They've been together as a family because of that. He doesn't want to lose it.
Ahsoka stills a little next to Anakin. "There's always gonna be something we can do together."
Rex smiles faintly at her.
"Whatever happens, we'll stay in contact for certain," Anakin promises, "And I'll see what I can do for you in the Senate."
"Thank you, sir," Rex replies quietly.
He means every bit of it.
Especially with the still lingering guilt in his heart over everything that happened with Palpatine. It would have been wrong to just leave him to die but was it right to risk – what he is? He doesn't know and he thinks only time will be able to answer his questions.
For now, he tries to let himself focus on the time he has to spend with Ahsoka and Rex.
**w**
This is not the life Palpatine ever imagined that he might have. Biel helped smuggle him off of Coruscant to Naboo for the time being. It's an obvious place to hide but also too obvious for anyone to look there.
It helps that no one can tell him apart for his triplet brothers. It's easy to impersonate them.
But everything about this life now is so purposeless now. All he's had all this time was that one focus and now it's gone. There isn't a way to get it back.
He could try to play it off and it might work but it would never be the same. Crafty planning means also knowing when there isn't something he can reasonably achieve. And in order to get the galaxy back at his feet, it would also mean...
He knows Anakin will not let him do that. He would fight him. He sensed the boy's conflict.
He could have forced him to come with him in that moment when they were escaping, but – He can't fully say why he didn't. Anakin would have been all his and nothing could ever have stopped it. And the boy would have been miserable and forever cut off from his family and perfect for the Dark Side.
But...
Trying to rationalize why he made that choice will not change what he knows it was. He is fully capable of seeing how much Anakin's family has hurt him and he may have used that for his own gain but it wasn't only that. He can acknowledge that now. But taking him away from them forever would not... be a benefit the boy would see.
He didn't want to see Anakin hurt like that forever.
It may have been a foolish move that he can never go back from but...
He can't say he entirely regrets it.
Anakin and Biel helped him when it could have cost them everything, and to a point, for Anakin it has.
He does not believe in trust anymore and he would be foolish too but on some level, he can accept what this really was.
He doesn't know what it'll mean for the future, though.
There is no future anymore. Unless he finds a way to rule elsewhere. Anakin would probably be happy if he were to take over Hutt Space and rule there. He'll think about that more in the future. For now, it's not... practical and he doesn't think Biel wants him to go right now and he'll give him that for now. They have been apart for a long time.
And maybe he'll talk to Engel again at some point. Maybe.
The one he wants to call most of all is Anakin. Even across the galaxy, he can feel the boy's turbulent emotions. He's not taking this well. But he probably also needs a bit of space right now with what just happened. Which he'll give for now. He will call him later though.
Anakin may not be his apprentice but he's still his and he always will be.
His... family.
Author's Note: Hopefully this ending isn't too abrupt :D I know it could be longer, like Sidious learning to be a little less evil O_O But that would be a veryyy hard thing to write so the next part is gonna be an epilogue a while later :D
Also, idk if anyone noticed what lyrics I was using for the chapter titles of this fic but it felt like it really fit. It's not gonna be near long enough to use the rest but... I really wish I could have used them, for how well they fit where it's gonna end. :)
On this journey to the past
Home, love, family
There was once a time I must have had them too
Home, love, family
I will never be complete until I find you
One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go?
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign!
Let this road be mine!
Let it lead me to my past
And bring me home at last!
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
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