Hard to see anything in the damp hold of this rust bucket ship. They gave me stationary and a crappy ink pen - I can barely read what I've written. I swear the letterhead on top reads The Demeter. Wouldn't be surprised if Count Dracula, or a vampire dinosaur lurked outside my cage in the darkness. I do hear something breathing heavily out there...
In Boy in the Plastic Bubble, John Travolta's character got a classroom camera and an entertainment center in his cage. I don't even get a light!
I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I'll continue on just in case. Just to let you know, I'm real lonely, and would like to hear from someone. Anyone.
By the way, never let Bryan play secretary. He doesn't know what he's doing. There's typos and spelling mistakes all over the place, he puts too much stock in what people and dinosaurs look like, and...let's just say his writing wasn't very good, and I had to get Cynthia to completely revise everything.
Rexy gave us a nasty smile through the front window as she pushed us. The trailer tipped at an angle, teetering over a precipice.
"Quick!" Ian shouted. "Everyone to the end of the trailer! Keep the weight on the cliff side!"
Okay, so here's a weight distribution problem that'd be a lot more fun to solve on paper than, say, having to do it really fast before everybody died:
A Velociraptor technically is supposed to have the size and weight of a chicken, but Jurassic Park's science department decided to make us about as large and weighty as a German Mastiff, roughly...I dunno, forgot what the scale said, ninety to one hundred pounds?
The labs made a Proceterosaurus like Buttface...almost Great Dane sized (fifty to eighty pounds?).
We had the weight of five human beings: Nick, Ian, Sarah, Cynthia and Cassie (plus Webby, but she couldn't outweigh a microwave oven). That's, what, an average of 170-199.8 pounds four four adults, plus maybe less than one hundred thirty six pounds for Cassie?
The equipment, though...Hammond never taught me Algebra, so I didn't know how to solve for X.
On the surface, pretty simple solve, just make sure myself and the others remained topside.
Of course, Rexy kept playing with the trailer. Also, Nick and Sarah, in the other trailer, announced they were unable to comply with the request.
Debris tumbled down the incline. We all braced ourselves as the vehicle tilted further.
Ian, in the connector tube, gripped a pair of handlebars, staring bug eyed at the view below him. Couldn't see what was so scary, I had to keep my rear end planted at the opposite end.
Cynthia grabbed hold of a table...her pose made me think of a sumo wrestler trying out for the role of Red Shirt Crew on Star Trek. Cassie, pale and wide eyed, took up a spot next to her.
A...little difficult to explain to Zelda what we were doing. I kept telling her to stay put, and "No no no! Don't try to look in the other trailer! That could make people die!"
"How could just looking at something kill anybody?" she chirped.
I had to explain the weight distribution thing, and I don't think she understood.
Webby...tried to help. Buttface...very unmanageable. She kept scampering back and forth, shifting the weight, at one point even joining Ian at the connector tube. She probably would have went inside the other trailer, had she not seen...something at the other end that scared her into whimpering and darting back to our end, scratching on the door to be let out.
Nick and Sarah, again, unfortunate enough to occupy the other trailer, held on to...some object or another for dear life. I heard a lot of clanging and banging around, but couldn't see what transpired, just Ian shouting unhelpful things like "Sarah, you probably shouldn't hold on to that refrigerator, it's not that secure," "You might want to stay away from that window, it doesn't look very strong" and the ever popular, "Hey! Look out!"
Being supportive...Not always the most dramatic story to be told. Still couldn't view the events in the other trailer. Sarah screamed a few times while objects rumbled around.
"Sarah!" Nick shouted from somewhere out of view. "Don't move!"
"I'm lying on a thin sheet of glass, and it's cracking! You actually want me to wait for it to break more?"
"You're breaking it more by moving around!"
"It's going to break anyway, it's glass! Did I mention I don't like heights?"
"A few times..."
"Damn I wish you had a rope!"
Ian leaned over the edge. "Hey Nick! Can you grab that Satphone off the table leg?"
Glass shattered. Sarah swore.
The whole trailer shuddered, shifting closer to the edge.
Webbigail yelped and pressed close to me. Buttface hid under a towel, like that really accomplished something.
"Dammit!" Nick shouted. "Sarah, look out!"
The trailer vibrated. Sarah yelped as unseen glass shattered.
The rumbling of objects, like a garbage truck after the bed lowers.
Distant splashing, and the distinct sound of wind whistling through the compartment. I caught the whiff of salt, and moisture from the rain.
Another earthquake-like shift as the other trailer slammed into the cliffside.
Zelda chirped at me in worriment, suggesting that we abandon the humans before we die, maybe take Cassie with us and raise her as a raptor baby in fashion similar to Tarzan.
"Sweetie, I don't want their deaths on my conscience."
"If they're dead, nobody will be able to use these collars against us."
I would have nuzzled her, but I couldn't risk shifting the trailer around. "I know, baby. But look at Cassie. She'd be traumatized, all her friends dying in front of her..."
She made an awww' sound like she understood. As if I needed more reasons to love her.
Cassie gave us a look like she wanted to be raised like Tarzan, but, you know, I had to do my part as Bagheera in Jungle Book and put my disemboweling claw down on the suggestion.
Cynthia, also understanding the conversation, suddenly got real pale. "Don't you dare move! If we go flying off the cliff and die, I'm going to kill you!"
I snickered, pretending like she didn't say anything funny. "I'll stay, but on one condition—"
No color in her face. "Fine, fine! As long as you promise to behave and not wander off, I'll take the collars off!"
I narrowed my eyes. "Promise?"
She hesitated. "Yes! Stay put!"
It seemed about as sincere as a a religious deathbed conversion, or an I do' at a shotgun wedding, but if I had been cruel enough to just abandon these humans to their death, I could have just as easily separated her intestines from her body days ago.
Although the Rex family mentioned breaking the trailer open earlier, they now got in a little debate.
"Are you sure you don't want this thing smashed open, Junior?" Miss Rex asked.
I couldn't hear Junior's response, but then Mister Rex growled, "I don't think it's going to come open that easy. I mean, sure, it'll break open on the fall down, with all those rocks and stuff, but we won't actually be able to get to it with our stubby little arms."
"Honey, we pushed this thing all the way here. It'd be a shame to just leave it that way."
"Yeah, but it's not exactly convenient to climb all the way down there in the water and pull them out, and then the tide will come in and wash them all out to sea anyway. And those things are so tiny, we might as well be eating the fish down there, for the amount of fuss and bother it's going to be."
"True...What do you say, Junior?"
Something made a faint squawk.
"...Your leg actually feels better? That's weird. That thing doesn't look very comfortable."
"...If you don't move a part that hurts, it doesn't hurt? Huh, I guess that makes sense..."
With that, the giant dinosaurs stomped away, leaving us hanging on the edge of a cliff.
I and Cynthia nervously stared at each other as the trailer made threatening groans.
"I sincerely hope red beans and rice didn't miss you."
Cynthia clenched her fists. "Is that a crack about my weight?"
"You humans and your weight obsessions! I was only remarking that you need to be heavier!"
She narrowed her eyes. "I thought you only got to listen to park music and Mexican Jesus music."
"You played Sir Mixalot when we were getting high. I still don't understand his connection to the knighthood."
"It's a stage name, Albert. He's not a real knight."
"Huh. I suppose that explains the non-chivalrous lyrics."
I opened a drawer next to me, examining its contents.
"Albert. Stop it."
I gave Cynthia an innocent smile. "Stop what?"
"Stop trying to pick that collar. I'll drop you with my clicker right now if you try it...Come to think of it, it might make your weight more stable." She reached into her pocket.
"Relax! I already promised to stay put!"
Cynthia brought her hand back out, gripping the table.
"Why did you lie about Heffalump?"
"Honestly?" She cast me a sideways glance, lowering her voice. "They just discarded your friend in a cave. Trash is public domain, so I have a right to own him and charge admission, just as long as I play my cards right. The more people that know about him, the more someone's going to want him back, maybe to destroy him, so nobody else can have him. I'm doing this for you!"
"Really? Why the heck didn't you just say that instead of playing this game with me?"
"That's because you got a big mouth."
I opened my big mouth' to argue, but about that time the trailer creaked in a very unsettling way.
I tried my best to think heavy thoughts and be weighty, but couldn't keep the vehicle from making threatening trembles. Ian kept staring down into the other trailer, holding his breath. The scuffling sounds...could have been anything.
Crunch, crackle, snap. something outside made those noises, in a very loud, non-cereal type of way. Couldn't see what happened, maybe a piece of the vehicle had been hooked on a rock, and it had broken off?
The bellows-like connector tunnel stretched as the second trailer jerked and hung lower, nearly throwing Ian over the edge. "Whoa!"
Something made a wet spraying sound, like someone had turned on a shower or a garden hose.
Crunch! Snap! Not a car part. Sounded more like a stick being broken in half. The bellows section of the trailer...didn't look like it could stretch any further. Ian shifted his feet to a more secure section of the flooring.
Our trailer trembled as something made scuffling sounds in the other one. More spraying garden hose noises.
"Is someone taking a shower down there?"
Cynthia shook her head. "No one could be that stupid...And if they are, I'll kill them!"
"Such a dinosaur at heart!"
"Thank you...if that's not a crack about my age..."
"I've got a million years over you, you spring chicken!"
She snickered.
A Jeep made its distinct rumbly sound outside the trailer.
"Oh thank God!" Cynthia cried. "Help!"
Seconds later, a balding head appeared at the broken window up front. "Hello?"
Ian turned around and yelled, "Hey! Get some rope!"
Bang! The noise came from the lower trailer.
"Sarah!" Nick shouted.
Eddie narrowed his eyes. "Everything...okay in there?"
"Rope, please?" I prompted.
Ian glanced down into the other trailer. "Yeah! Hurry!"
Let me preface this next part by saying that literature and a certain documentary film' had the facts incorrect. The whole incident where everybody dangles by the end of a rope...didn't happen that way. I mean, c'mon, there's a bunch of dinosaurs in the trailer.
...And...nobody mentions Cynthia and Cassie at all.
So here's what really happened:
Eddie did, in fact, throw in the rope, after tying it to a tree or something...but people omitted a few things to make the story more exciting.
1. Cassie's right there and super available to help. Zoom, she runs the rope straight to Ian.
2. Ian throws the end into the other trailer. "Nick! Sarah! Hold on!"
3. A little dramatic scuffling, probably took all of three seconds. And then...
Cynthia grabbed hold of the rope. "Everyone holding on down there?"
Ian checked, gave her a nod, and not looking at me, shouted, "Everybody pull!"
Cassie grabbed the rope. I clamped my teeth down on it, nodding for Zelda to do the same.
As she clamped down, Webby also grabbed on with her beak. So cute when she's trying to help.
Whistling through her horn, Buttface chomped the rope.
Ian, who had, at the moment, been grabbing a section as well, nearly dropped the thing when he noticed our carnivore teeth. "Whoa, wait! You'll rip it to shreds!"
"I'll be gentle," I mumbled with a mouthful of nylon fiber.
At this point, he didn't have time to argue, and probably thought the damage already done, so he just shouted, "Pull!"
Up popped Nick, helping Sarah onto the level surface of the connector tunnel.
They wasted no time running to the front window and jumping out the hole in the broken glass.
Our trailer slipped closer to the edge.
"Everyone out!" Ian yelled.
We unanimously decided it high time to vacate the premises.
Once we all stood outside, Ian looked at me, giving a shaky laugh. "Thank you for the help. I admit I was...a little...skeptical at first, but...We couldn't have done it without your brute strength."
All those stories about the Jeep's power winch and Eddie sliding around in the mud as he's flooring that teeny, much lighter vehicle in reverse...That's just to save the trailer and all the expensive equipment. Not exactly trying to save anybody inside.
If he'd just handed us that cable, we wouldn't have had to play tug of war earlier...No matter.
At this point, the end of the trailer's tilting toward the sky. We'd all ceased hoping to not see the thing smashed up into tiny little pieces at the foot of the cliff. I told the guy to give up on the whole endeavor at the get-go, but he was stubborn and said, "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
To be honest, we all just kinda stood back and watched him fight the thing...
Well, until the Rex family showed up.
We told him to stop it and run, but the Jeep made too much noise, and when anyone tried to run out and warn him, the Jeep would slide over and damn near flatten them.
The rain still poured down pretty hard. Kinda helped conceal my other companions from the Rexes. The Jeep, however...
"Hey! Look at that neat toy!" Rex Junior said. "Can you bring it to me, daddy?"
Mister Rex growled. "Anything for my girl. Hold on, I'll bring it to you."
Daddy' saw Eddie spinning his wheels and picked up his Jeep. Not to be helpful, of course, just...fetching a toy, and probably never outgrown the habit of putting everything into his mouth like a baby. Eddie, terrified, hid beneath the steering wheel.
Mister Rex, not liking a tire spinning in his mouth, dropped the Jeep immediately.
Nice for the Jeep, not so nice for the trailer. No longer being tugged by a huge dinosaur, or having Eddie's foot on the accelerator, the whole trailer dropped off the cliff.
"Oh no you don't!" Mister Rex stomped the Jeep before it also flew over the edge.
Eddie...probably shouldn't have tried to run. The moment he jumped out and splashed a couple yards in our direction, Mister Rex dove in and snapped him up in a couple bites.
We all shuddered in horror, backing into the foliage to hide. Sarah was sobbing, Nick muttering consoling words, though clearly he felt heartbroken about it himself.
Cassie hid behind me for protection. Webby, also terrified, cowered behind her.
In the distance, Kelly screamed from somewhere.
Ian stared at the giants, eyes bulging. "This is worse than the lawyer guy at the original park! I told him to forget the trailer!"
Cynthia put her hands on her hips. "You didn't tell him very forcefully."
Ian rubbed his face. "What's the use? Albert asked him and he went ahead anyway."
Mister Rex turned and stared in the direction of the screaming. "Sounds like another tasty thing over there!"
Rexy smacked her lips. "Honestly, they're not that tasty. It was wearing stuff, and tasted dirty. Not much meat on it, either. I prefer the little suited man I ate on the other island."
"Maybe that one in the jungle will taste better."
"I doubt it. Give me a good Stegosaurus any day."
Still lamented the mistakes that led to me getting collared. If I hadn't been so fixated on digital entertainment...I paused my sniffing. "Cynthia, I'd like you to remove my collar now."
She scoffed. "Do I look like I have the keys or something to take that thing off?"
I shook my head in disgust.
Cynthia cast the Rexes an uncomfortable look. "We'd better get out of here."
Indeed, didn't seem like a good idea to keep hanging out there. Plus, worried about Kelly. We crept away as stealthily as possible.
"Sorry I lost your toy, Junior," Mister Rex growled.
Couldn't hear what their kid said at our distance, just Rexy murmuring, "That's okay, baby. We'll find another toy just like it. Those damn things are everywhere."
Their family stomped away. Boom boom boom. You could feel it through the ground.
"We need to find Kelly." Ian stepped forward, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Kel—!"
Cynthia covered that mouth. "Shh! You want those T-Rexes to hear?"
The man reluctantly lowered his voice to a whisper. "What the hell do you want me to do? Leave her to get eaten? How are we going to find her before one of them gets her?"
Sarah peered out from behind some bushes. "At least wait until they get some distance from us."
"Wait," Nick blurted. "We have Velociraptors. Aren't they supposed to have killer animal instincts, like a bloodhound or something?"
Ian smacked his forehead.
Cynthia grinned at me. "You heard the man. Go get her, Albert."
I sniffed the trees and bushes. Didn't catch any scent of the girl. Unsurprising in that unsafe area, with the Rex family. I sniffed onward, assuming her to be trailing us at a greater distance.
Webby, Zelda and Buttface sniffed around too.
Nick sighed as he glanced back at the cliff. "What a waste. Recorded all that footage, and now it's in the ocean."
"I know," Sarah groaned. And no evidence against Ingen. The samples, the research..."
I frowned. "The GameBoy is gone too."
The two just rolled their eyes.
We kept going.
Ian wrinkled his nose when he stepped close to Cynthia. "You smell like pee."
"Shut up!"
Cassie actually looked proud. "We got sprayed by samples. Dinosaurs will love us!"
"Enjoy it while it lasts, kid, you're getting a bath when this is over!"
Zelda poked her nose into a leaf and chirped.
"Wait, we got something."
I and my wife followed a familiar scent path to a clearing.
Checking to the left and right, we emerged from the shrubbery.
"Dad!"
Kelly came running to Ian, giving him a big hug.
Ian patted her on the back. "Thank God you're all right!"
I frowned at five figures marching behind her. "Guys..."
I'd driven past them in the poacher camp:
A guy in safari gear, face like an accountant. Although the clothing appeared to be store bought, dirt and soot from the fires clung to it.
A bald guy, in more rugged attire, kinda looked like Kojack but with super big ears.
A country-fied nerdy guy with freakishly long hair. Looked like he belonged in a photograph on the back of a computer game box.
A man resembling Gandhi, and a guy with a severely burned face.
The long haired cowboy looking guy raised a rifle, shooting me with a tranquilizer before I could even utter a protest.
My last words before passing out: "Seriously, dude? I'm wearing a collar!"