The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilariously new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Halloween Havoc VII continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic tackles yet another Stephen King movie, this time it's a Stephen King movie that involves werewolves. That's right, I'm talking about the 1985 movie Stephen King's Silver Bullet, a film that involves a werewolf killing people in a small town and Gary Busey. Is it one of Stephen King's best adaptations or is it the worst. We'll find out today, so sit back, relax and listen to the wolf howling in the night. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Stephen King's Silver Bullet is owned by Paramount Pictures and Dino Di Laurentiis.
Halloween Havoc VII Part IV: Stephen King's Silver Bullet
SEAN J. ARCHER'S
HALLOWEEN HAVOC VII
After the Halloween Havoc VII intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he prepares his signature introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before starting his topic for tonight's review. "It's time to talk about Stephen King once again."
(A montage of Stephen King movies and TV miniseries are shown. The ones being shown are Carrie, The Shining, Firestarter, Misery, Christine, Pet Sematary, Dreamcatcher, Graveyard Shift, Creepshow, Children of the Corn, Salem's Lot, It, The Mist, The Langoliers, The Stand, The Tommyknockers, Storm of the Century and the miniseries version of The Shining are shown while "Greenery" by Silent Partner plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Stephen King? Over the years, he's done some good stuff and I've talked about some of his works. You've seen me talk about films like Christine and Firestarter and I've enjoyed them. Now, we all know some of his works: movie adaptations of King's works tend to be all over the place, ranging from perfect horror classics to ass-numbingly long miniseries to laughably bad.
"So, where does today's movie fit in? Well, it fits in the middle, let's just say that it's good yet it has some silly moments in it. So, let's take a look at a really good Stephen King movie." Sean said as a poster for Silver Bullet is shown. "Yep, that's the one."
(The title screen for the movie "Stephen King's Silver Bullet" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Joyride" by Rob B. Mathes plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Silver Bullet is a 1985 film based on King's novella Cycle of the Werewolf, and unlike a lot of movies based on his stories, King wrote the screenplay for the movie. A movie adaptation based on a Stephen King story and Stephen King wrote the screenplay for the movie. I'm pretty sure that it's gonna be good. At least it's not sucky like Maximum Overdrive, well the only good thing about Maximum Overdrive was the AC/DC soundtrack.
(The credit "Directed by Daniel Attias" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was directed by Dan Attias, who's known for directing television shows like Beverly Hills, 90210, The Sopranos, Six Feet Under and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Also, this was his only theatrical film that he directed. The film is suspenseful and scary and yet it has some laughable moments in it and some Stephen King goodness in it and we're gonna take a look at it.
"This is gonna be so much fun to talk about a Stephen King movie… again. And it's a really good one too. This is Stephen King's Silver Bullet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins with a full moon and we see that the movie takes place in the spring of 1976 in the small town of Tarker's Mills, Maine.
"A Stephen King movie that takes place in Maine. We can check that off on the list." Sean said as he picks up his notebook.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get some narration from adult Jane Coslaw, voiced by Tovah Feldshuh, who recalled the events of what happened that year.
Older Jane (Voiced by Tovah Feldshuh): (Narrating) The last full moon of that spring came a little more than a month before school let out for summer vacation. Our town's long nightmare began that night.
(We see a railroad worker named Arnie Westrum working on the railroad while drinking)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a railroad worker named Arnie Westrum, played by the late James Gammon, is busy working on the railroad until he sees some footprints on the ground.
Arnie Westrum (Played by James Gammon): (After seeing some footprints) Oh, shit.
(Something approaches Arnie and he ends up getting decapitated. We see Arnie's head flying in the air)
(A sound clip from Brutal Legend plays)
Eddie Riggs (Voiced by Jack Black): *Decapitation!*
"Geez, we're only three minutes in the review and I'm using that joke already and we've just seen the body count starting." Sean said.
Older Jane: (Narrating) The killing had begun, but at first, no one knew it. You see, Arnie Westrum was a chronic drunk.
"Ah, town drunk. We can check that off the list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're cut to a town fair and we're introduced to one oof our main characters of the movie, Jane Coslaw played by Megan Follows. Jane is upset because she has to look after her little brother Marty, played by the late Corey Haim. Also, Marty is a paraplegic.
Older Jane: (Narrating) Marty was the cross I had to bear.
Brady Kincaid (Played by Joe Wright): Little old garter snake? Hell, no!
Older Jane: (Narrating) He wasn't so bad actually.
"Yeah, Corey Haim might've made some questionable career choices in his life, but he did give us The Lost Boys and Dream a Little Dream." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty's best friend Brady, played by Joe Wright, decides to play a little prank on Jane with the snake that he found and ruins her outfit.
(Jane sees the snake that Brady is holding in his hand and she falls over, ruining her outfit while Brady laughs at her)
Brady Kincaid: Aw, Janie. (Laughs)
Jane Coslaw (Played by Megan Follows): Goddamn it!
Marty Coslaw (Played by Corey Haim): Come on, Jane. It's just a garter snake.
Jane Coslaw: Look at my hose. Oh, I hate you!
"This was a new pair of hose that I just bought and now it's ruined, you little twerp!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Jane.
Sean: (Narrating) Jane gets upset with Marty after Brady throws a snake at her and ruins her outfit some more. Marty apologizes and Jane runs off crying in the bushes, until she sees Stella Randolph, played by Wendy Walker, and her boyfriend having an argument about her pregnancy and the dude just leaves her. Anyway, Jane and Marty's parents, played by Robin Groves and Leon Russom respectively, wants the two of them to get along, but Jane is still pissed at Marty for what happened to her. Later, Marty makes it up to Jane by giving her some money for her to get a new pair of pantyhose. Now, that's a good brother.
Marty Coslaw: Jane, please take the money. It was Brady's idea. Honest to God. I want to make up.
Jane Coslaw: I can get a pair of L'eggs down at the pharmacy for $1.49.
"A pair of L'eggs pantyhose for $1.49? Boy, pantyhose must be cheap back in the '70s." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Stella's home as we see Stella getting ready to kill herself by downing some pills since her boyfriend left her pregnant ass. Well, damn. This movie just got dark.
Stella Randolph (Played by Wendy Walker): Suicides go to Hell, especially if they're pregnant. And I don't even care.
"Well, why don't you get yourself a razorblade, go in a bathtub and pull a Hannah Baker, you dumb bitch. Plus, you're gonna kill the baby as well!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) As Stella continues to down some sleeping pills like it's candy, an unseen attacker crashes through her bedroom window and we see that the unseen attacker is a werewolf as the creature brutally murders her, this is another murder that doesn't bode well with the town sheriff Joe Haller, played by Terry O'Quinn.
Sheriff Joe Haller (Played by Terry O'Quinn): Well, I'm happy to hear that. You think it'll be sometime this week? Well, that's good. When and how many? Hey, fuck off! (Hangs up the phone)
Pete Sylvester (Played by David Hart): What did he say, Joe?
Sheriff Joe Haller: He said they'd be here by noon.
Pete Sylvester: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea telling that Smokey Bear from the detective division to fuck off, Joe.
Sheriff Joe Haller: Well, I waited till he hung up.
"You could've told the guy that you had sex with his wife last night. You could've went with that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a bar, where we see one of the townspeople named Andy Fairton, played by Bill Smitrovich, is complaining about what a shitty job that Sheriff Haller is doing trying to find the person that doing all of the killing.
Andy Fairton (Played by Bill Smitrovich): We pay our taxes to keep this town safe, and Joe Haller ain't doing it.
Aspinall (Played by Rick Pasotto): Last town report said you were in arrears in your taxes, Andy. Guess you caught up, huh?
(Everyone in the bar laughs)
Andy Fairton: What are you, trying to be smart?
(The bar owner, Owen Knopfler, puts his bat called "The Peacemaker" in between Andy and Aspinall to keep them from fighting)
Owen Knopfler (Played by Lawrence Tierney): Now, you boys better turn down your thermostats, or you can both get the hell out of here.
"Anymore fightin' from you two and you're both going to end up Mr. Black and Mr. Blue." Sean said, imitating Owen Knopfler.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty meets up with his friends Brady and Tammy, played by Heather Simmons. And here's where the title of the movie came from.
Brady Kincaid: Hey! It's madman Marty in the Silver Bullet.
"Ah, so that's where the name of the movie came from. It's the name of Marty's motorized wheelchair. I thought they named the movie after something that kills a werewolf." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty and Tammy ride home together until they come across Stella Randolph's home, which is now a crime scene. He escorts Tammy to her home and it's not a Stephen King movie without an alcoholic deadbeat father who's abusive, and that happens to be Tammy's father, played by James A. Baffico.
Milt Sturmfuller (Played by James A. Baffico): Damn cripple. Always end up on welfare.
"Let's see. We have another alcoholic. This time, it's an alcoholic father who's also a deadbeat and abusive as well. Check, check and check. Okay, let's keep the Stephen King tropes going, movie. I've got all day and a lot of things to check off. Hey, at least it's much safer than the Stephen King Drinking Game. I want to live to see 33." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty ends up running out of gas for his motorized wheelchair, so he stops off at the local gas station to get the 'ol Bullet filled up.
Virgil Cuts (Played by William Newman): Want me to check the oil?
Marty Coslaw: Yeah, sure.
Virgil Cuts: Wipe the windshield, check the driver's bullshit level?
(Marty and Virgil both laugh)
"And this guy went on to host a boring-ass dinosaur show for children." Sean said, referring to William Newman's character from Mrs. Doubtfire.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Marty's Uncle Red, played by Gary "Let Me Make Fun Of You" Busey, and I just love the introduction to his character.
Uncle Red (Played by Gary Busey): The bartender says, "Hey, jackass, give me a drink." So, the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it, sits there for a while. Says, "Hey, jackass, pour me another drink." So he pours him another drink. The guy gets up and leaves, The guy who's sitting there says, "Hey, why do you let him call you jackass all the time?" The bartender says, "Oh, (mimics donkey) hee-haw, hee-haw, he always calls me that!" (Laughs)
"Oh, man. We're treated to the best damn Gary Busey performance ever and this was before his motorcycle accident." Sean said.
Uncle Red: (Sings) Piss on the Yankees, piss on the Indians, piss on the Philies…
"Just don't bring up the Reds. I don't want you to bad-mouth my team, Busey. Did I mention he's the best damn part of the movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty's mother sends him to bed and she doesn't take too kindly to her brother's drinking habits and being a bad influence on her son.
Nan Coslaw (Played by Robin Groves): I don't want you drinking around Marty.
Uncle Red: Don't be telling me what to do! You've been telling me what to do all my life!
Nan Coslaw: Red, I don't care how you live, but he is a very impressionable little boy.
Uncle Red: You know, you think your only responsibility is getting his butt out of the chair and into the tub, out of the chair and onto the toilet. And you ought to realize there's more to Marty than him not being able to walk.
Nan Coslaw: So easy for you, isn't it?
Uncle Red: Yeah, it is.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so already, we have two alcoholics in the movie: you have Arnie Westrum and Uncle Red. Why do I feel like we're missing the third… (Cut to the home of Milt Sturmfuller) ah, there we go. We cut to Milt Sturmfuller's home as we see Milt Sturmfuller getting drunk while watching N.W.A. wrestling on television until he hears a noise coming from the greenhouse that Tammy mentioned to Marty earlier and he heads out there to check it out.
(Milt heads into the greenhouse to check out the commotion and he sees some broken pots on the floor)
Milt Sturmfuller: Shit.
(He continues to investigate the shed until he finds a cardigan. As he walks through, we see a pair of eyes underneath the wooden floorboards. Milt keeps searching until he gets startled by a spider)
Sean: (V/O as Milt) Oh, God! I just got startled by the spider from Arachnophobia! Almost made me piss out my beer!
(Milt hears a noise as he turns around and shoots a flower pot with his rock salt-filled shotgun)
(A clip from Ghostbusters is shown)
Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): Nice shootin', Tex!
(The werewolf bursts from under the wooden floorand grabs Milt. The werewolf pulls Milt onto the shattered floor plank, impaling him)
"Ooh, that's the best kill ever. God, I love this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With another grisly murder rocking the small quiet town of Tarker's Mills, Sheriff Haller has placed a curfew to keep the townspeople safe all while he's busy working on some leads. Yeah, let's just say that this dude is useless. And the police consists of two people. If Alan Pangborn was the sheriff of this town, he would easily solve this case! Anyway, Marty is hanging out with Brady until Jane shows up to take him home since he's late for supper.
Marty Coslaw: Hey, Brady, you coming?
Brady Kincaid: In a while!
(Marty looks at Brady for a moment)
Jane Coslaw: Come on, Marty! Marty, it's getting late!
(Marty rides off while Brady continues to fly his kite)
"And that's the last time we've seen Brady. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he'll survive this one. Also, we haven't seen Tammy Strumfuller. The last time we saw her was after Marty dropped her off at her house. Guess that we should check that trope off of the list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Knopfler's bar, Andy Fairton continues to take a piss on Sheriff Haller because he's doing a shitty job.
Andy Fairton: This whole investigation is been about as efficient as a submarine with screen doors!
Pete Sylvester: I've heard enough out of you, Andy Fairton!
Edgar Rounds (Played by Paul Butler): Come on, Pete, it's not worth it.
Pete Sylvester: If you don't shut your mouth, I'm gonna shut it for you.
Andy Fairton: What'd you say?
Pete Sylvester: Well, you heard what I said, motor-mouth.
Andy Fairton: You want to dance, doughboy?
"Ooh, a bar fight in a Stephen King movie. Man, this is gonna be good!" Sean exclaimed as he opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
(Andy and Pete square up, but their fight is interrupted when Brady's father, Herb Kincaid, enters the bar)
Herb Kincaid (Played by Kent Broadhurst): Has… Has anyone in here seen my son, Brady?
"Dude, get out of here. We're trying to watch a fight here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Herb Kincaid, played by Kent Broadhurst, enters the bar because he is worried about his son Brady because he should've been home by now due to the curfew and…
(We cut to Sheriff Haller, who is seen holding Brady's kite, which is covered in blood)
Sheriff Joe Haller: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
"Oooooh! Somebody better break the news to his father. Yikes. Also, you got a dead kid, so you can check that off the list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the werewolf strikes and kills Brady, much to the horror of his father. And we cut to Brady's funeral and… (sees Uncle Red pulling out a flask) Oh, Christ. (Laughs) I just love Gary Busey. He's acting like my drunk Uncle Wade when he's at church. Anyway, Reverend Lester Lowe, played by Everett McGill, is speaking during Brady's funeral.
Reverend Lowe (Played by Everett McGill): Mr. and Mrs. Kincaid have asked that I say a word of comfort to you, if I could. If there is any word of comfort I can give you, it's just this… That the face of the beast always becomes known, and the time of the beast always passes.
"Ah! Religious person! We have a religious person! Check that off the list!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Red takes Marty home and they have a talk about the killer and that the cops catch the guy and Marty ponders what if the killer's not a guy, but something else.
Uncle Red: What do you mean?
Marty Coslaw: Well, what if it's some kind of monster?
(Uncle Red starts laughing)
Uncle Red: Yeah. What if it's some kind of monster?
Marty Coslaw: You know, like a werewolf or something.
Uncle Red: (Laughs) That's a good one. Yeah.
"You've been watching too much Scooby-Doo, Marty." Sean said, imitating Uncle Red.
Marty Coslaw: You know, Tammy told me she'd been hearing noises in the greenhouse. Growling noises. Her father was killed that night.
Uncle Red: Listen, Marty, you have got to get this idea out of your head. Psychotics are more active when the moon is full.
"This coming from a guy who was dressed in drag." Sean said as a picture of Commander Krill from Under Siege dressed as woman is shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Andy Fairton and the rest of the townspeople form a vigilante group to track down the killer as Sheriff Haller tries to talk them out of it and for them to go home, until Herb Kincaid, who's fresh off from his son's funeral, shames Sheriff Haller for being a sucky sheriff.
Herb Kincaid: My son was torn to pieces. Pieces. (Pulls out a photo of Brady) My son was torn to pieces! You come in here and talk to these men about private justice? You dare to do that? Why don't you go out to Harmony Hill, Sheriff Haller, and dig up what's left of my boy Brady and explain to him about private justice. (Shouts) Would you want to do that?!
"Well, if he did that, then he'll have to take him up to the pet sematary so Brady could come back to life. I mean, if you want to deal with your own son trying to kill you, then it's fine with me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Andy Haller and the townspeople act like the cast of Halloween 4 to hunt down the killer while Reverend Lowe tries to stop them from exacting violence. They head out into the woods to search for the killer and yeah, they act like a bunch of idiots.
(One of the townspeople accidentally steps on a beartrap and he screams in pain)
Virgil Cuts: What is it?
Guy: My foot, my foot! Get it off me!
"And immediately, this guy acts like Amos Slade from The Fox and the Hound." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They continue their search for the killer while some guy that looks like an older version of Cartman from South Park gets scared. That's when they realize they're not alone.
(Andy and the others hear a growling noise)
Edgar Rounds: Where's it coming from? Over there?
Bobby Robertson (Played by William Brown): No, it's behind us. I told you, you couldn't trust this fog.
Aspinall: It's… Under the fog.
Andy Fairton: What are you saying?
Aspinall: It's right here with us!
(The growling continues as the werewolf grabs Smokey. Smokey screams)
Sean: (V/O as Smokey) Oh, no! It's a bad time to be a black guy in a Stephen King movie!
(Smokey gets thrown and mauled to death by the werewolf)
Bobby Robertson: I can't move! (Whimpers)
Aspinall: Start backing up, Andy.
Andy Fairton: Yeah.
Aspinall: Real slow…
(The werewolf grabs Aspinall and kills him as Andy fires his gun in the air and flees in terror. Maggie Andrews screams while her and Bobby watch as Aspinall gets mauled by the creature. Aspinall's corpse pops up from out of the fog and we see half his face ripped off, which freaks Edgar out as he runs away)
Owen Knopfler: My God.
"I haven't seen anything this disturbing since I saw Jerry Seinfeld's jacket." Sean said, imitating Owen.
Sean: (Narrating) They all make a run for it, except for Joe Cabot (Owen Knopfler), who ends up getting beaten to death with his own baseball bat. So yeah, their stupidity paid a price. They were acting all tough about catching the killer, but you act like a bunch of bitches like the townspeople from Halloween 4.
(A clip from Ed, Edd n Eddy is shown)
Edd (Voiced by Sam Vincent): I'm surrounded by idiots.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Reverend Lowe is giving a congregation over the recent murders when suddenly…
Herb Kincaid: There is no comfort! (Laughs maniacally) There is only private justice.
Reverend Lowe: Hmm, the Bible (stammers) tells us, "Not to fear the terror that creepeth by night or that which flyeth by noonday." (Heavy breathing) And yet we do. We do. Because there's so much we don't know. And we feel very small.
Herb Kincaid: Reverend! He was torn apart! (Growls)
(Reverend Lowe gasps in horror as he sees the townspeople turning into werewolves)
"What the hell?" Sean asked, making a look on his face.
(We see Herb Kincaid, Sheriff Haller and the rest of the townspeople turning into werewolves. Suddenly, the room gets dark and we see some flashes of light while a werewolf breaks out of the casket while the organ player is playing the organ while it oozes blood from the keys. The werewolf-turned townspeople surround Reverend Lowe, but it turns out to be a dream)
Reverend Lowe: NOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Young Frankenstein plays)
Inga (Played by Teri Garr): You were having a nightmare.
"What the hell did I just witness?!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) I know that this is supposed to be scary, but I can't take this scene seriously. I mean, come on! Some of their actions tend to be pretty silly. You have werewolf Sheriff Haller yelling like he got kicked in the nards by the kids from The Monster Squad and you have a werewolf banging on the organ. Not to mention that they surround Reverend Lowe like a bunch of zombies from Thriller. What was your goal here, King?
(The trailer for Maximum Overdrive is shown)
Stephen King: (Points directly at the camera) I'm gonna scare the hell out of you!
"Yeah, you're doing a hell of a good job there, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of the recent murders, it's gotten to the point where the town is mostly empty. And not only that, Marty is upset that they canceled the fireworks. All of the things that he liked is gone.
Marty Coslaw: You know, it's not enough that the monster killed all those people. He killed Brady. Now he's got them to cancel the fair.
Uncle Red: And the fireworks.
Marty Coslaw: Yeah, and the fireworks. That's another thing.
Uncle Red: Where's your mom?
Marty Coslaw: She and Dad are out back, lighting the barbecue. Yeah, Jane's walking around in all these new clothes showing off her tits. Acting like nobody ever had tits before her.
"Don't worry, Marty. In a couple of years, you get to show off your bare ass and everything else while you're banging Nicole Eggert." Sean said, referring to the 1993 movie Blown Away.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, though. Uncle Red's got the perfect gift for Marty just to cheer him up.
Uncle Red: (After opening the garage door) Ta-da!
(Marty uncovers his eyes and much to his surprise and amazement he sees a custom-built wheelchair/motorcycle that he nicknamed "Silver Bullet")
Uncle Red: It's an ass-kicker, isn't it?
Marty Coslaw: Is that for me?
Uncle Red: Hell, yes, it's for you! (Chuckles) Damn. It looks good.
"Looks good? It's the most awesome thing ever! My God! Who do I have to blow just to get one of these things?" Sean asked.
"Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!" Taylor said before leaving the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Red checks to see if nobody's watching that way Marty could test drive his new set of wheels.
Uncle Red: Are you ready?
Marty Coslaw: Oh, yeah.
Uncle Red: I feel like a virgin on prom night.
"Don't tempt me, movie." Sean said.
(Marty speeds off in the "Silver Bullet" while Uncle Red watches)
Uncle Red: Stop! Brake! Oh, the kid's dead meat.
(The instrumental version of the song "Joyride" plays during the scene while Marty is test-driving the "Silver Bullet" while having a great time, then he drives back to Uncle Red's place)
Marty Coslaw: That was wicked.
Uncle Red: Oh, I hope you're happy. You're looking at a dying man here.
Marty Coslaw: This thing goes super, super fast.
Uncle Red: I know it goes super fast. And you better watch it. 'Cause if your mother finds out just how fast it goes, I'm gonna end up singing soprano in the Vienna Boys' Choir.
Marty Coslaw: You know, I don't get you.
"Oh, that's okay, Marty. I'm used to it. Nobody ever gets me all the time." Sean said, imitating Uncle Red.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty and his family have a barbecue in the backyard and having a great time and before Uncle Red leaves, he gives Marty some fireworks. Now, that's a cool uncle. Anyway, Marty sneaks out of the house and drives off without waking everyone up and he decides to light up some fireworks in the middle of the night like an idiot. Well, looks like the werewolf has found it's next victim.
(Marty sees the werewolf approaching him)
Sean: (V/O as the Werewolf) Surprise, motherfu…
(Marty fires a rocket into the creature's eye and escapes)
Sean: (V/O as the Werewolf) AAAAAHHHHH! YOU LITTLE SHIT! THAT WAS MY EYE!
Sean: (Narrating) Marty escapes from the werewolf and he tries to tell Uncle Red this, but he doesn't believe him. And he tells Jane about it, and apparently, she believes him. Well, most of it. Wait a minute, she believes him and not Uncle Red. She's probably thinking her kid brother is nuts. So anyway, Jane believes Marty enough to conduct a little investigation, finding someone who has one eye while collecting cans.
(A montage of Jane collecting cans while searching for someone who has one eye plays while the song "Aye Aye Eye" from Dexter's Laboratory plays in the background as Jane sees that most of the people have two eyes)
Jane Coslaw: It's my own fault, believing Marty. Little asshole.
(Jane sees Reverend Lowe doing some gardening by the church)
Jane Coslaw: Hi, Reverend Lowe. I'm ready to turn my bottles in.
Reverend Low: Hi, Janie. And how are you?
Jane Coslaw: All right, I guess. It's just my little brother gets me so mad sometimes.
(We then see that Reverend Lowe is wearing a bandage over his left eye)
Reverend Lowe: Well, Jane, little brothers sometimes do that,
"What a surprise." Sean said in a deadpan tone.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Reverend Lowe is the werewolf. How do I know that? Because he's missing a friggin' eye! And he's the one guy she didn't have a look at his face. She heads into the garage and finds Owen Knopfler's baseball bat buried in the cans until Reverend Lowe shows up and she gets a good look at his face.
Reverend Lowe: Why, Jane… you're trembling.
Jane Coslaw: I don't feel well. I think maybe I got too much sun.
Reverend Lowe: Well, would you like to come in the parlor and lie down for a bit?
Jane Coslaw: No!
Reverend Lowe: Or have a cold drink? I have some soda.
"I have some Pepsi in the fridge that's ice cold for you." Sean said, imitating Reverend Lowe.
Taylor: (V/O as Jane, offscreen) I drink Coca-Cola!
"Well, I have some Coca-Cola as well. It's the New Coke." Sean said.
Taylor: (V/O as Jane) I don't drink pop!
"Would you like a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade?" Sean asked.
Taylor: (V/O as Jane) I DON'T DRINK LEMONADE!
Sean: (Narrating) Jane leaves as Reverend Lowe suddenly acts like a serial killer. She immediately tells Marty about the good 'ol Reverend. And since no adult would believe them, Marty thinks of one clever plan: sending threatening letter by telling him he know who he is and demands that he should kill himself. Wait, what?! Dude! I know he's a killer, but seriously?! You suggest that for him to do? Just tell him to kill himself? I would've expected better out of you. But suggesting suicide, that's what a heartless bastard would do on social media! Anyway, Marty and Jane tell Uncle Red what they were doing, and his response…
Uncle Red: Holy jumped-up, bald-headed Jesus, palomina!
Jane Coslaw: Uncle Red!
Uncle Red: From him, I'd expect it. Sometimes I think your common sense got paralyzed along with your legs. But from you, Jane? You're Miss Polly Practical.
Jane Coslaw: You don't understand.
Uncle Red: I understand that my niece and my nephew are sending little love notes to the local minister, suggesting that he gargle with broken glass. Or eat a rat-poison omelet.
"You know, I'm so glad that Gary Busey is in this movie." Sean said.
Uncle Red: I think you had a hallucination.
Sean: (V/O as Uncle Red) And I should know about hallucinations, I played a killer gingerbread man on The Gingerdead Man.
(The poster for The Gingerdead Man is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) After they convince Uncle Red to help them, we cut to Marty as we see him watching some of the kids playing baseball and him wishing that he can walk and run like everybody else. But that's not important because the Reverend is trying to kill Marty and we get a thrilling chase scene as Reverend Lowe tries to turn Marty into the kid from Mac & Me. Uh, yeah. Why would you try to kill him in the middle of the day? Couldn't you kill him at night while you're turned into a werewolf?! Marty ends up trapped under a bridge and Reverend Lowe tries to do him in, by approaching and talking to him. Our villain, ladies and gentlemen.
Reverend Lowe: You should have let me alone, Marty. I can't kill myself. Our religion teaches that suicide is the greatest sin a man or a woman can commit. Stella was going to commit suicide, and if she had done so she would be burning in hell right now. By killing her, I took her physical life but I saved her life eternal. You see how all things serve the will and the mind of God? You see? You meddling little shit!
"Okay, aside from Everett McGill's performance, that was pretty good but justifying the murders as doing God's work. You do realize that God doesn't like serial killers, no matter the reason." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Marty manages to call for help before Reverend Lowe kills and after showing Uncle Red the dent on his wheelchair and the paint from Reverend Lowe's car, he is now willing to believe that the Reverend is tied to the murders and Uncle Red tries to convince Sheriff Haller to investigate the church, which he does and things doesn't end up well for Sheriff Haller when he bumps into Reverend Lowe.
Reverend Lowe: Can I help you, Joe?
(Sheriff Haller pulls out his gun and points it at Reverend Lowe)
Sheriff Joe Haller: I think you'd better come along with me, Reverend.
Reverend Lowe: But it's not my fault!
(Reverend Lowe swings the baseball bat at Sheriff Haller, knocking his gun out of his hand. He then removes his eyepatch, revealing his missing left eye and he begins to transform into a werewolf. Sheriff Haller screams as he witnesses this until Reverend Lowe bashes him in the head with the bat Reverend Lowe finishes his transformation and kills Haller with the baseball bat)
"I guess you could say that there was no peace made that day. How ironic, isn't it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) With Sheriff Haller dead, there's only one thing to do. Make something that'll kill a werewolf, which is a silver bullet. Not the wheelchair, an actual silver bullet, as Marty gives Uncle Red his silver medallion and Jane her silver cross to turn it into a silver bullet because Reverend Lowe will come after Marty.
Uncle Red: Why don't you guys tell me how this guy Lowe became a werewolf?
Jane Coslaw: I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know, either.
"Yeah, that's a good question. How the hell did Reverend Lowe become a werewolf? Was he just taking a lovely stroll in the woods and he was bit by a wolf?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Red goes to a local gunsmith to make a silver bullet for them and I love this scene. We see this guy melting Jane's crucifix and Marty's medallion down and molded it into a silver bullet and seeing this guy go to work and him being a master at it.
Mac (Played by Conrad McLaren): Nicest piece of work I ever done, I think. It's got a low-grain load. So it won't tumble. Ought to be pretty accurate.
Uncle Red: No, why, shoot, it's just a gag. I mean, uh… What the heck you're gonna shoot a .44 bullet at, anyway? Made out of silver.
Mac: How about a werewolf?
"You don't say? I thought that vampires were killed by silver bullets." Sean said, imitating Uncle Red.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see that it's Halloween and the night of the next full moon came as Jane and Marty's parents leave for New York and left them with Uncle Red. Yeah, I can see that things will end well when you leave your children alone with Gary Busey. After some waiting, Uncle Red tries to send Jane and Marty to bed, until…
(Jane turns to the window and sees the werewolf. She screams and runs over to Uncle Red)
Uncle Red: (Screams) Whoa! Whoa!
Sean starts laughing from Uncle Red's reaction.
"Oh, my God. That scene is so worth watching this movie. His reaction is hilarious. I can imagine Gary Busey reacting to something. Just add something scary from a movie and he'll end up reacting to it." Sean said.
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown, featuring the ghost nanny Janosz with his eyes glowing red and a creepy grin, then we cut back to Uncle Red's silly reaction)
(Uncle Red walks over to the window with the revolver in his hand and sees nothing)
Uncle Red: A very familiar feeling is beginning to come over me.
Marty Coslaw: What?
(Uncle Red takes the silver bullet from out of the cylinder)
Uncle Red: I'm beginning to feel like a horse's ass. That's what.
Jane Coslaw: He's out there! I saw him!
Uncle Red: I know you did, Janie. Why don't you just go upstairs?
(The werewolf cuts the power to the house and Jane screams)
Marty Coslaw: He's here.
Uncle Red: Marty, it could be just a fuse.
"That's what people say when they're about to die." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Reverend Werewolf crashes through the wall and knocks the gun and the bullet from out of Uncle Red's hand and while Marty tries to get the bullet, Uncle Red fights the werewolf.
(Uncle Red hits the werewolf with a chair, until the werewolf grabs him and throws him into a mirror. Uncle Red then grabs a fire poker to hit the werewolf with it, then the werewolf throws him once more)
Jane Coslaw: Leave him alone!
Sean: (Narrating) So Marty manages to retrieve the bullet and loads the gun and finally shoots the werewolf.
(The werewolf gets ready to kill Marty and Jane, until Marty shoots the werewolf in it's right eye)
Sean: (V/O as Werewolf) MY EYE! MY OTHER EYE!
(Marty, Jane and Uncle Red watch as the werewolf reverts back to Reverend Lowe)
Uncle Red: Holy jumped-up Jesus, palomina.
(A clip from Scream is shown)
Randy Meeks (Played by Jamie Kennedy): Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life for one last scare.
(Reverend Lowe growls, which startles Uncle Red and Jane screams, then he dies)
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Werewolf Lowe is dead and the town is safe and everybody lives happily ever after. Well, there's one way to end the movie.
Jane Coslaw: Marty. Are you alright?
Marty Coslaw: All except for my legs.
Jane Coslaw: What?
Marty Coslaw: I don't think I can walk.
(Jane chuckles)
Marty Coslaw: I love you, Jane.
Jane Coslaw: I love you, too.
(A sound clip from the final episode of The Wonder Years plays, replacing Older Jane's narration)
Kevin Arnold – The Narrator (Voiced by Daniel Stern): …growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul.
"Uh, I don't recall hearing that on the movie, but it'll do nicely." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least we here this awesome song during the end credits.
(The song "Joyride" plays during the end credits)
"Okay, so it's not as memorable as AC/DC's music score in Maximum Overdrive, but it's still a good song." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Stephen King's Silver Bullet and it's a pretty decent movie. It's not a classic like The Shining or Carrie and it's not the worst or silly like Dreamcatcher and Maximum Overdrive, it's still a pretty enjoyable movie. The werewolf effects are good, you got some scary moments and yes, there are some pretty silly moments. But hey, you have some pretty enjoyable performances from Gary Busey and Everett McGill. This a movie that I go back to watching every time like Misery and Firestarter, heck even Cat's Eye. If you haven't seen the movie, then go check it out. Silver Bullet comes in at 4 full moons out of 5.
"And that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and we're almost finished with Halloween Havoc VII. Man, I've reviewed only four good movies. I want to review something bad, something that I could make fun of. Well, not bad, but I want to review something silly for Halloween. Something goofy. Oh, I have an idea." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I feel like a virgin on prom night.
And that's all for another review for Halloween Havoc VII. So, what did you think of the review of Silver Bullet? I hope you all enjoyed the review and some of it's funny moments. I hope that you liked some of the Stephen King tropes that I mentioned. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean finishes Halloween Havoc VII with a pretty silly movie. Now, I was going to review The Horror Show, but I'm gonna save that till next year. But, I did come up with some of the silliest comedies to review. Here are the choices:
Idle Hands: Sean reviews the 1999 horror-comedy that gained a cult following.
Scary Movie: Sean reviews the 2000 comedy that spawned four sequels and it became one of his favorite comedies.
Teaching Mrs. Tingle: Sean reviews the suspense-comedy that marked Kevin Williamson's directorial debut and stars Helen Mirren, Katie Holmes and Barry Watson.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Sean takes a look at the 1992 comedy to see why this movie is different than the 1997 TV show.
Leprechaun in the Hood: Sean reviews one of the silliest entries in the Leprechaun franchise.
So, which one should I review? After the review of one of those movies, it's the movie Die Another Day instead of Blown Away (1993). And after Die Another Day, it's Commercials XIII: The Book of Commercials. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites if you really love it and if you want to see more, then feel free to add it to your favorites. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.