Chapter 64: Rough Start

An ache of familiarity fills Potara as she flies down from the Lookout with Gohan and Videl. She could have offered to teleport them to their house, but she wanted time to prepare herself. If the brief memory rush at Bulma's had been any indicator, it was going to be so much worse at the younger Son residence. Already she was seeing ghosts of herself... of Pan... flying down from the Lookout with others in her mind's eye, there weren't many different ways to home from the Lookout. She ground her teeth and closed her eyes, she wished it was easier to filter and push away Pan's memories. It was so easy to claim the memories and think they were her own when they were not.

"So, a bouncer," called back Gohan.

Potara opened her eyes and huffed, flying closer to make it easier to speak, "Well, I don't really have any work experience aside from punching people."

Gohan snorted. "Guess not, but the Arcosians were 'okay' with employing a child?"

"Child labor is just labor they have to pay less for to them," said Potara.

Gohan scoffed in disgust.

"That's one culture I don't know if I want to learn more about," said Videl.

"Well, they're trying to get all dimensions on their currency, so you might have to," answered Potara.

She caught herself a few seconds later when the elder pair stopped flying, turning to catch them staring at her wide eyed. "What?"

"You didn't mention that yesterday or earlier today," said Gohan, swallowing, "Potara, its not something you'd know the importance of, Pan never reached that point in her schooling, but that is BIG. That's economic control, it can be used to manipulate, threaten, and dominate entire systems of nations and worlds, and dimensions in this case. Not to mention it can be used as a lead in to economic warfare if they so chose."

She gave them a blank look. The hell was 'Economic Warfare'? How could you dominate a world with coins and paper bills when someone could just blow you up with Ki? That didn't make sense to her.

Gohan shook his head and fished out his phone and started poking at it. "Bulma would figure it out what they are doing soon enough, but a headstart text would help."

He pocketed it the phone a minute later, shaking his head and then rubbing his eyes. "This whole dimension thing is going to be one giant continual mess, and of course the gods didn't regulate it at all."

Potara didn't hold back her hateful sneer. "They're all holier than thou hands off until you get a hand in their cookie jar."

Gohan regarded the look before sighing. "Are the gods a subject you want off-limits?"

She blinked at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"Setting boundaries is important," he answered the unasked question.

She frowned at him. "I don't particularly care, but if you expect me to ever think or speak well of them, you're going to be disappointed."

"We lost our daughter because of the mess they started," said Videl thinly, "We're not exactly their fans either, but we are not ignorant of the role they play."

Potara met her gaze silently. She's not blind to the pain and anger, and a bit of accusation, in the woman's eyes. She merely gives Pan's mother a crisp nod and turns to resume flying, the other two starting on as well. She lets the pair overtake and pass her as they near the circular capsule house. She can distantly remember that they... that the younger Son family had lived in a large mansion like place when Pan was younger in Saten city before they moved to a smaller, easier to manage (clean) and less costly home. Not to mention it was right next door to Goku and Chi-Chi.

She doesn't land when they do, sweat running down her forehead as she sees echos of Pan and her friends playing in their youth. Sees images of Pan training while her parents look on with concern at her obsessiveness with it. Parties that were held outside. Times when Pan and her Grandpa sat out in the grass at night and pointed out stars. Building snowmen in the winter. Playing in the mud and throwing it all over her silly uncle Goten...

Potara shakes her head sharply and it all fades away. She takes a deep raged breath and touches down, trying to ignore the watchful/concerned looks Pan's parents are giving her. She stares at the door like its some kind of ominous object that's best left closed and locked. Gohan and Videl of course had no such issues and pushed it open, walking in. She creeps closer, hanging in the doorway, her hands grasping one side in trembling fingers. Looking inside is so much worse. There are hundreds of Pans running around and interacting with people, so many memories refusing to stay burred, where one image fades, there are always more to replace it.

Her arms are shaking.

Her hands trembling.

Her breathing is ragged.

Her vision is blurry.

"Potara?" comes Gohan's concerned and wary voice.

She swallows thickly, her body freezing up, wishing and praying Gohan hadn't seen her like this. She closes her eyes and blocks out the sight of him, taking deep breaths, trying... trying...

"I... I shouldn't have come back here."

It escapes her lips before she can pull it back, and she hates the way her voice shakes.

"Why?"

She swallows again. "To... to many memories not my own. I can't..."

And then he picks her up.

Shes so taken offguard by the motion, reflexively gripping him as Pan had done so many other times. But its not to hug or anything like that, he takes her inside, and it feels like her head is going to melt and split apart at the onslaught of memories and experiences ripping it apart. He takes her to the living room and sits her trembling form on the couch, kneeling in front of her.

"You're pale as death Potara," he says quietly, "Explain whats wrong. Don't bury it, don't hide it, don't play it off as something minor, don't do what Pan did. I only want to help."

Something in her loosens at that. At being readily defined as not-Pan by the girl's father. "There's hundreds of them."

His eyebrows furrow. "Of what?"

Her eyes briefly flicker from him, wincing and then flickering back. "Of Pans."

He blinked. "...what?"

She swallows, her voice ragged. "Memories. There's so many of them playing out in front of me like they're actually happening... I can't..."

He frowns. "Potara, I'm going to ask you a question that I want an honest answer to. I'm not trying to imply anything, or hurt you by asking, but it has to be asked. I've talked with Goku and Vegeta about this before, about a... confusion and concern I had after... after the mess around your birth."

He steels himself. "Potara, do you not see the Doll and Pan as parts of yourself?"

She freezes.

"Goku and Vegeta's memories of the times they were Vegetto isn't exactly perfect, but they said he instantly recognized them as parts of who they were and accepted who and what he was," he explains slowly.

"I'm not them," she spits out with malice, her panic giving way to hate.

Gohan's lips pursed. "That's not what I said, and having actually briefly met a permanent Vegetto, I know he wasn't who he was born from either, he was his own person, but there is a difference in accepting and rejecting who and what you are."

She ground her teeth. "Yeah? Well I definitely reject them."

Gohan took in a slow breath and let it out. "Do you remember what I said about setting boundaries on the way here? I know you have... issues... with Pan, but don't forget she was our daughter. I wont have you demeaning her for no reason."

"No reason?!" spat Potara, "You're supposed to be smart, you can't be that ignorant."

"Then how about you explain it?" came Videl's thin voice, Potara turned her head to see the woman standing in the entryway to the living room, arms crossed, a scowl on her face, "Why do you hate Pan?"

Potara's face contorted in her own anger, and decided to not lessen the blow, at all. "Fine, I'll tell you the same thing I told Goku and Piccolo."

"She effectively committed suicide without any consideration to her family and friends and the position it would put me in," snapped Potara, watching the pair flinch, "She had a loving family and friends, her entire future ahead of her, she had everything I'd ever want, and she threw it all away like it was nothing. She could have fought off the fusion, but she didn't. No, she let it happen because she was worried about being too weak to stop the gods, and thinking about Bardock's vision."

Videl looked sickly at her words, Gohan though...

"Bardock's...," began Gohan before he froze, eyes wide, then fury settled on his face, "He knew. He knew what was going to happen and angled his 'warning' for Pan towards that?!"

Potara shrugged, slowly moving to wrap her arms around herself defensively. "It seems so. Why he chose that, I don't know."

Gohan closed his eyes and exhales slowly, his Ki is boiling with restrained rage. "Out of all the futures he 'apparently' saw, this was what he thought was the best?"

"You'd have to ask him, not me, but he's kind of dead," pointed out Potara.

Gohan stilled, his eyes opening with some kind of sickened understanding in them. "...and his warning for me makes an awful amount of sense now."

Potara's eyebrows furrowed. What was he going on about?

Gohan shook his head abruptly and made to leave the room. "We'll continue this later, I need... I-I need some time to myself."

"Gohan, wait...," began Videl, but he brushed by her without a word.

She looked worried, swallowing repeatedly, before glancing at Potara, "Just... don't go anyway, watch TV or something, I..."

She didn't finish, instead turning to chase off after Gohan. Potara's eyebrows furrowed, her mind drifting back to Pan's memories of meeting Bardock...

"Sometimes, letting go is the hardest thing in the world. One day, you and your wife will have to, the quicker you two do it, the easier things will be."

Potara recoiled and grimaced at the words Bardock had given Gohan. He had been talking about Pan, about letting go of Pan. Of all the things... Potara hated Pan, but she wasn't so callous and cruel that she'd demand Gohan and Videl forget about her or whatever the hell he meant by 'Letting Go'. Maybe he hadn't meant it like that... but she couldn't figure out anything else. Besides... she didn't want them to 'Let Go'. She didn't want them to let go of Pan and latch onto Potara in her place. She didn't want to try to fill the hole Pan had left, she wanted to have her own place, to be Potara, not Pan's replacement...

Speaking of Pan, there were a few of them lazed about on the couch watching TV.

Potara's breathing hitched, and she quickly reached for the remote control and turned it on, growing more than a little desperate to have something else to focus on...

Gohan sat on his bed, rubbing his face roughly in frustration. "Damn him. Damn that man."

"Gohan...?"

He looked up to see Videl in the doorway, staring at him in concern. "What does this 'Bardock' have to do with anything?"

Gohan grimaced and motioned for her to sit. "I... didn't tell you about it before because I didn't..."

She slugged his shoulder, hard, a scowl on her face. "Didn't want to what, Gohan? Worry me?"

He gave a sheepish look in response.

"Spill the beans, now."

So he did, he told her of the warnings Bardock had given all of them. Videl's eyes narrow intensely as he does so. "Wait, go back, repeat the warning he gave Goku."

Gohan licked his lips uneasily, now that he stopped to think on it after Potara's birth, he was already starting to see what she had honed in on. He had this memory memorized, after all, the man had implied Pan would permanently die, he made it his business to remember. "When the time comes, and you meet that person again, you need to stop that person from trying to commit the same mistake you were going to make with that wish of yours. If that person tries it, that person will die and everything will spin out of control. When the moment arrives, and you'll know it when it does, tell that person to have faith in 'them'."

Videl's lips tighten. "Goku had met Potara before she was born?! And whats this about him wanting to... murder the Omni-Kings if I understand what was hinted at?"

"I don't know."

"Your father is keeping secrets," said Videl angrily, "Has been keeping them for a very long time. We are going to go have words with him, and we are going to have them now. Afterwards he's taking you to see the Old Kai."

Gohan startled. "What? Why?"

"Gods sake Gohan, something isn't right with Potara, and it needs to be figured out before we go try to figure out where to go with this," hissed Videl, "She had a fucking panic attack just standing in the doorway of our home. Our home! Its supposed to be safe here, not cause that kind of reaction! I don't understand fusion that well, but the kind of memory dissociation and reliving she talked about isn't normal."

He let out a soft sigh. "Yeah... that's concerning."

Videl swallowed. "And... and as much as I'm angry with how she thinks of and talks about Pan..."

Her shoulders slump. "She's not wrong. How could Pan do that?"

There's something broken in her voice that deeply unsettled him. "Where did we go wrong?"

"She was afraid," answered Gohan softly, "And we never helped her overcome it as we should have. We were right here with her all the way after she came home from the other dimensions, but we didn't... we didn't do enough to help. We let her waste away part of her childhood in her obsession to train and get stronger. Its like what Potara said, but beyond that, it was all Pan knew from the stories, all she knew from her experiences, to get stronger was to be safe, to make sure no one could hurt her or those she cared for. We let it slide because its what she wanted, but the truth is its not what she needed. She was a child, she needed to feel safe, not be perpetually training to face the next threat, afraid of what would come next and what would happen if she wasn't strong enough."

He clenched his fists tightly. "It shouldn't have been something she was concerned about. Dammit all, she had at least a decade or so before old age would even start to hit dad and Vegeta. Even longer with me. She had plenty of time to enjoy her life and naturally get stronger rather than chasing power the way she did. None of this was necessary... but... all of us failed to make her understand that."

Neither of them said anything, sitting together in shared misery.

Gohan sagged as something else hit him, from his own life. "I'm so damn stupid to have not seen it. Even when we were preparing for the androids, mom and dad never let me obsess over it like that, nor for Cell in the days leading up to the Cell Games. I never lost sight of what I had in preparation for what was coming... dammit dammit dammit!"

Videl lays a hand gently on her shoulder, her voice is soft, "Enough Gohan."

He swallows back bile and blinks back tears. "I didn't know how to deal with Pan, with what happened to her, how she changed. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

They embraced tightly, Videl's own voice shaky, "I didn't either."

"We can't... we can't make that mistake again," said Gohan thickly, "Not... not with Potara, or any future children we have."

Videl's breathing hitched for a moment. "You... never said anything about more children."

They separated, and Gohan shrugged. "I was never against it."

Videl absently rubbed her abdomen, lost in thought for a moment, before shaking her head. "Something to talk about later. We're going to have our hands full with Potara for the time being."

"If we can convince her to try," said Gohan, sighing, "I hope the Old Kai has an idea, because if that doesn't go away for Potara, there's no way she will stay here. I want to help her, and I'm not deaf to what she said..."

Videl blinked at him. "Hmm?"

"She said that Pan had everything she'd ever want," said Gohan softly, "Family, friends, her future ahead of her. She wants this as much as she's afraid of it."

Videl looked away for a long moment. "Oh."

"I'm just... I'm not sure if we are the right choice to help her or not," admitted Gohan, "We have our own issues with this, but, I'm not sure who else could do this, or would want to, and I don't want to send her away out into the other dimensions. As much as she is a powerful fusion, she is still a child."

"A child living under tables," muttered Videl with offended indignation.

Gohan rubbed his eyes, considering all options. "Mom and dad would try if we asked them, but considering how much time she spent at their house as well, I imagine she'd have the same issue, and while I love my father, I don't think he'd do better than us trying to help Potara settle in, and mom just clams up whenever Pan is mentioned, I still don't know what she thinks of Potara. I also don't think asking Vegeta or Bulma would be a good idea, Trunks seems... somewhat accepting, but Bra wants nothing to do with her, not to mention I don't want Potara overly exposed to any envoy of the Saiyan Empire. She... did go to the Lookout when looking for a place to stay, so with Piccolo and Dende might be an option, but... that's not going to help her settle down into a normal life."

"Any other option...," he shakes his head, "I don't see much else working that isn't temporary at best. I still don't know how to deal with reintroducing her to normal society."

"Well, a name change from Pan to Potara would solve any legal issues," muttered Videl sourly, "Though gods know she'd probably throw a fit at acknowledging in any way coming from Pan.

Gohan took in a breath and let it out. "I suppose we'll need to ask her. Perhaps letting her come up with an idea or two will make this less... cumbersome."

"I think cumbersome is a bit lacking of a term," said Videl before shaking her head and rising to her feat, "Alright, enough of this. We need to have words with your father."

He nodded and they went downstairs together, pausing briefly in the living room to look at a skittish Potara, twitching uncomfortably on the couch. "We're going out to talk with my father."

"About what?"

"Bardock and what he said to him."

"Oh, that," said Potara, frowning, "Its not me."

Gohan blinked. "What?"

"Goku showed me the memory, the Potara he saw wasn't me, her eyes and earrings weren't red, and her clothing was a little different," said Potara.

Gohan's face slowly turned thoughtful. "That's... strange."

Potara shrugged. "I haven't given it much thought. Maybe its a Timeline thing like future Trunks and Trunks, they're both different people despite being the same. Perhaps in another time, another place, there was a different me."

Gohan crossed his arms. "Or, that Pan was tricked into doing it willingly instead of having it forced."

Potara glanced at him. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Gohan hesitated, not sure how she'd react to it, damn, he shouldn't have said anything.

She grew annoyed. "Don't bother dancing around what you want to say and just say it."

Well, she asked for it. "When you were born, you were surrounded in red negative energy. The Elder Kai said a few things about a... Forced Potara Fusion. He called it an ultimate heresy, its why he didn't like you. He said that the eyes were the gateway to the soul, and the red reflected what he called an 'improper musing of body and soul'."

And then of course Videl added in, "He said it was practically soul rape."

Something dark crossed Potara's face. "I had no say in what happened, don't you dare..."

"That is not what I said," snapped Videl, sounding quite fed up, "I can and will lay what happened at the Doll's feet, and as much as your attitude frustrates me to hell and back me, I can't blame you anymore than I'd blame a a child conceived of real rape for how they were born, its not fair to either..."

"Then why do I see that accusation in your eyes every time you look at me!" shouted Potara, "Because I didn't want to let you murder me by allowing the dragon to wish me apart!"

Potara paled and immediately withdrew on herself the moment she said it, fear in her eyes, followed by Videl's face closing off into an absolutely terrible blank look that Gohan never wanted to see again, especially combined with an awful sensation of crushing guilt that immediately tinted Videl's Ki. He let out a slow shaky breath and decided they were officially off to a terrible start, and he didn't know if it could be fixed, didn't know if they had been doomed from the beginning. Because at one point, that had been said, that a dragon had been desired to wish Potara apart, and she had been there to hear it. He understands why Videl said it, he had his own terrible grief at the time, but the woman who was trying to take Potara in had effectively voiced wanting her to die to have Pan back, along with his own words. He doesn't know if they can work past that with the girl.

"I can't take what I said back then anymore than you can, not to mention nearly blowing us all away when you fought the gods, what happened was terrible for us all," gritted out Videl, "I was a grieving mother who just lost her daughter, I'm still grieving, I will always be grieving, I can't help what I feel even if I know what happened was not your fault. I..."

"I'm sorry."

With that, Videl turned and walked out of the house, looking like she was going to cry.

Potara curled into a tiny ball on the couch, and did start crying.

Gohan stood there at a complete loss of what to do...