Makoto has stagnated.
"Representing the Hanged Man, Juan de la Cruz was a Spanish Catholic Priest and Carmelite friar who was mentored by Teresa of Ávila, both active and vital to the Counter-Reformation period. A mystic, John was a poet who developed the concept of the 'Dark Night of the Soul' in his treatise 'Noche Obscura', which was also a commentary on his poem. In modern contexts, the dark night of the soul is synonymous with a crisis of faith, marking a difficult, stagnating, painful and confusing period of one's life that comes before a revelation."
[6 Years and 9 Months Ago]
Makoto woke up on the floor of Akechi's apartment again, a dingy blanket upon her.
At least this time he put a pillow below her head as a courtesy. Most of the time, she was laying on the cold, hard floor. She was pretty sure he did that out of spite.
"Fuck." She said, her head pounding in pain.
"This is the last time I save your ass. If I find you passed out in my front door another time, I swear to God, Niijima, I'm going to kill you myself and dispose of the body to spare us all the pain of your drunkard self darkening the streets of Shinjuku."
"Spoken like a true, remorseless murderer, Akechi. Ow… my head..." She complained as she moved too fast.
"Coffee?" He offered.
She took it.
This was the second or third time that he found her passed out drunk, and strangely enough, Makoto's instincts always brought her to his doorstep. She hated to admit it, but she felt safe here.
"You have changed Niijima. This is fucking pathethic." He spat out.
"Then why the hell do you even help me out?" She growled out in response.
"So you'd rather I leave your body outside for the old creeps to molest you?" He asked incredulously.
She shivered. She had to check her own body later to make sure nothing vile had happened to her.
Akechi shook his head eventually. "Whatever. Come on, you need to use the shower. You reek of alcohol."
"So bossy." She retorted.
Borrowing some clothes from him, Makoto showered. The water was cold - Akechi likely made sure she wouldn't have any hot water available, the bastard. She finished her harsh, almost freezing shower and dressed in borrowed clothes.
Reaching for her phone, Makoto dialed Eiko.
"Makoto! Girl, where the hell have you been!?" Her roommate screeched.
"Um, a little busy." Makoto lied.
Akechi carelessly took the phone away from her hand. "Takao. She passed out drunk on my front door again. You better keep a leash on her, or I'm leaving her to be dealt with by the old bastards down the alleyway."
"You dick! If anything happens to her, I'm going to fucking kill you!" Eiko threatened him.
"You can try, bitch." He hissed.
"Okay, that's enough, give me the phone." She said, snatching it back. "Don't mind him, he is harmless now."
"I don't know how the hell you put up with that guy. Anyways, come home this instant, or I'm calling your sister." She demanded, her voice full of worry.
Makoto felt irritated at the reminder. "Okay, mom."
"I'm serious, Makoto! I had no idea how bad it was, but if I did, I would have never enabled you like this." Eiko said, on the verge of tears.
It made Makoto feel like the scum of the earth.
"Sorry. I guess I'm not trying hard enough to overcome it." Makoto relented.
"That's not true, idiot. I know how hard this is, I just can't help but feel guilty." Her friend said, sniffling.
"It's okay Eicchan. I'll be home soon. And I promise to stay put this time."
"Okay. Love you, stupid bitch!"
"Love you too, dumbass." Makoto said, rolling her eyes. Her best friend was a worrywart.
Akechi threw her a disgusted look. "You have to stop drinking. If you don't, I'm gonna strangle you."
"See Akechi, this is why you are unsalvageable. Most of the time, you're being a murderous bastard."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm serious, Niijima. I'm not your fucking babysitter."
She looked away, in shame at her own actions this time.
"I truly don't understand you sometimes. You keep tossing threats, and yet you always end up helping me. Why?"
Akechi stayed silent.
"It can't be because you care for me. I don't think that's possible." She told him honestly.
He snorted. "It's not."
"Then why?" She asked him.
"...I don't know." He confessed.
She deflated. She expected some grand response. Some kind of justification or mental gymnastics, but not raw honesty.
"Thank you." She told him sincerely.
He scoffed, returning to his odious self. "You're welcome."
They stayed in quiet contemplation for a time. Until Makoto decided to pester him.
Her grin was shark-like. "Now, feed me, I'm hungry. And it better not be pancakes again, Akechi, or I swear to God…" She threatened him.
Akechi just sighed, exasperated. "I'm just gonna order something from the local hole in the wall."
"Works for me." She told him chirpily.
[The Present Day]
How time and circumstances change, Makoto thought wryly as she carefully treated Goro's wounds.
"You shouldn't have provoked him like that." She told him exasperatedly.
"Worth it." He said with a cheeky, malicious grin, but winced as soon as she applied a large amount of disinfectant on his wounds. "Ouch, careful, dammit."
"Stop being a baby and let me treat you in peace." She commanded.
He glared murderously at her but complied.
Their roles were now reversed. A tipsy, angry Goro was at her mercy and care instead of the other way around. She shouldn't feel proud in a time and situation like this, but Makoto felt like she had come a long way if she could finally be the responsible one again.
Afterwards, she stopped fussing over him and offered him his spare futon. He was used to sometimes spending time at her place, so Goro rolled the Futon on the living room floor and got ready for bed.
"Did you see his face? He was beyond enraged. He must be making sordid scenarios in his brain about the two of us right as we speak." Akechi said, his eyes glinting with mischief as he sat cross legged on his Futon, petting Agnes, who looked to be in absolute bliss with her head on his lap.
"Honestly, provoking him was beyond irresponsible of you. Our employers were there!" She chided him sternly.
He rolled his eyes.
"Their goodwill is not infinite, Akechi." Makoto continued, not very fond of his disregard.
He still ignored her, giving all his attention to Agnes. She let out a huff.
She picked up her phone. 'Joe' messaged her earlier letting her know he and 'Matt' would pick the night shift in their place. Makoto raised her eyebrow at how swiftly he must have left for home, to be able to do so.
Her employer was a little crazy, sometimes.
She tossed her phone aside and looked at her frenemy. "Goro."
"Hm?"
"You need to stop provoking and aggravating other people. Nobody is going to start trusting that you've changed if you keep being abrasive like this."
"I don't care what others think about me." He said, a little defensively.
"What about Aki-kun? Do you want him to see his uncle Goro being openly shunned because he can't be a little more graceful towards others?"
At hearing her son being mentioned, he softened slightly.
"Fine." He grumbled.
She gave him a small smile in gratitude, then started her nightly routine.
After praying on her Butsudan and making her way towards her room, Akechi stopped her in her tracks.
"Makoto."
She looked back. He was still sitting on the Futon with a pensive face.
"You don't have to keep defending me to others. I don't want your pity." He said quietly.
She put a stray hair behind her ear and considered his words.
"We're the same, aren't we? If I cannot advocate for your change, then how can I believe in my own?"
He let out a bitter huff. "We're not the same. The things I have done…No, they're not the same. Let's not pretend it is."
"You're right, but it still doesn't matter to me. Because if you can keep going…"
"...Then so can you. Right. Heh, you asshole, stop using my own words against me." He grumbled.
She grinned. "You brought this upon yourself."
"Shut the fuck up and let me sleep. Now. Scram." He shooed her away from her own living room.
In response, Makoto just gave him her middle finger, then continued on her way to her bedroom.
Finally, after she was firmly laying down on her bed, her thoughts turned to him once again.
To Ren.
Even though she was incredibly irritated with his actions, a part of her couldn't help but feel a little pleased that she got his intense attention again.
His eyes were on her all night. She swore she had felt his gaze pierce through her very soul.
And it felt good to have his eyes all for herself.
A small, dreamy smile formed on her face, as her mind replayed his words and actions all night, and the visible, jealous looks he held as he unceremoniously punched the hell out of Akechi like a man possessed.
Makoto was truly a hopeless bitch.
Futaba had decided to forgo going to the gala.
First, she wasn't one to do too well at high profile parties like that. Secondly, it meant dealing with Inari talking her ears off about art all night.
Now, she loved her friend, the two of them vibed a lot despite the bickering, but he could be pretty intense. Still, Futaba was pretty sure if she was straight, she would've married Yusuke instead, if Haru wasn't so smitten with him first.
Hmm… Wait, did it mean that, no matter her orientation, was her destiny truly cucking and homewrecking someone else out in the end?
Heh, maybe that is why she resonated with Makoto so much. The two of them were truly hopeless bitches.
Whatever. The thing was, Futaba skipped the gala because she had no patience for such events.
Instead, she was more eager to do her weekly ritual: Torment one Goro Akechi.
She whistled as she swiftly dialed his line and waited.
He picked up.
"You have reached out to the Confessional. My name is Joe, and I will be your personal priest today." A fatherly, strong voice rang out from the line.
Futaba, who was grinning gleefully, instantly frowned. "What the fu- Hey, where is Tom!?"
"Tom and the others are off duty tonight, my child. Myself and Matt are the only ones available." The most pious and dignified man spoke out.
Futaba facepalmed. Of fucking course, how the hell did she forget? Akechi was likely there in the gala with Makoto.
Hm, but then again, so was everyone else, including "Joe".
"Wait, weren't you supposed to be at the gala too!? How are you even here now!?"
"A man from the House of God does not partake in such worldly matters." He scolded her.
What the hell. Did this fucker just teleport his ass all the way back to his home to take over all the other priests' shifts in record time!?
If so, that was fucking impressive, even for him.
"Ugh… Man, I was looking forward to roasting Tom tonight..." She complained.
"Hatred is a strong, all consuming emotion, little one. Perhaps you should let me be your pastor and guide you back to the spirit of temperance and humility, my child." The priest said in response
"Stop calling me your child with your weird ass roleplay voice, godammit, this is fucking ridiculous!"
"So many callous words, my child…"
"Oh, go to hell." She fumed.
He never broke character, which was impressive, but not unexpected, considering who he was.
"I'd rather go to heaven, little one. Now, while you are here in this most blessed hotline, why not take this opportunity to unburden yourself, my most esteemed confessor?"
"What for? I'm totally good."
"If you were willing to unburden yourself with Tom, I am sure you will be able to do it with this most pious and truthful servant at your disposal." He said, his voice strong and commanding.
"Gah, fine. So, some weeks ago, my sister in law caressed my hand in a weird ass way, and I liked it, but I'm not sure if her intentions were innocent or not, or if she was putting on some moves on me."
"That does not bode well, child. It spells doom and disaster."
She rolled her eyes. "Are you a fake priest or a parrot!? Don't you think I know it? Just give me some goddamn useful advice for once!"
"Hm, very well, my dear confessor. Your options are maintaining your distance or being honest to your brother in regards to what happened."
"Eh. What are the pros and cons of each?" She asked, genuinely curious of his perspective for once.
"If you choose distance, this will curb any further actions by your sister-in-law and maintain your loyalty to your brother, but at the cost of your conscience. If, however, you choose to be honest, it might complicate and perhaps even disrupt your brother's marriage."
"Hah, so if I do nothing, I'll be an ass. But If I tell my bro what happened, then I'll also be an ass. Yo, is there no winning for me?"
"I'm afraid you might be past that point, child."
"...Alright, so I'm going with option three then." She said dryly.
"I did not present you with a third scenario, my confessor." He said, unimpressed.
"Duh, of course not, I made that one up. I'm gonna wait and see first. If she tries anything weird again, I might just have to fight her off… Even though I really don't want to. Ugh."
"Such are our burdens when choosing family over following our impulses and carnal desires. Your perseverance and chastity will not go unnoticed by the Lord, however."
"I'm sadly an atheist, dude. But thanks. Anyways, I better fuck off this line now, I gotta save all my sick roasts for Tom. Do ya think he'll be here tomorrow!?"
"One moment, let me check." He said, humming to himself, then grunting. "Yes. His shift will go as usual, child."
"Hah! Bastard won't escape me then. Fine, thanks a lot Mr. Joseph Joestar, this was a most useless conversation!"
"...It's 'Joe'." He said, voice laced with some real exasperation, making him almost break character for once.
Futaba grinned evilly and then hung up the phone unceremoniously.
They arrived home in a tense, stilted silence. No longer were they the golden couple, but now just a pair of strangers who shared the same roof.
Mechanically, Sumire removed all her jewels, one by one, whereas Ren tossed away his jacket, carelessly, and proceeded to hastily and angrily remove his cufflinks.
"Thank you, for causing that ridiculous scene in front of everyone, and embarrassing me and our friends while you were at it." Sumire told him, coldly, while she continued to carefully take off her expensive pair of earrings.
Ren, who was just in the middle of loosening his tie, paused and looked at his wife with calculating eyes. "Did you really expect me to keep my cool with that bastard Akechi around?"
She gave him a dirty stare. "That was not just because Akechi was there."
An extremely taut silence followed, as they clinically continued to remove their formal getup.
Sumire, who expected Ren to say something, decided to goad him into doing it when he kept silent. "Thank you for the confirmation, by the way. I still had some doubts, but now I no longer have to agonize over it."
Ren, who was barely restraining himself after seeing Makoto in the arms of their enemy, finally lost it.
"Why don't you say exactly what you just want to say, then!?" He demanded angrily.
Sumire was not a woman to cower, especially not from him. She crossed her arms and lifted her chin up, her gaze full of certainty. "Makoto. Every time you spot her in the arms of another man, you become ridiculously jealous."
He scoffed maliciously. "Jealous!? For fuck's sake, you expect me to see Akechi and do nothing!?"
"Stop it! Stop trying to say this is because of Akechi! Were it any other man, the result would've been the same!" She shouted, losing her cool.
That only served to fuel his rage. "How can you say this to me!? I chose you, not her!"
Sumire exploded with sarcasm. "Wow, fucking THANK YOU for choosing me then! How very gracious of you!"
"Sumire, what the hell do you want from me!?" He demanded, his face red from the stress and anger.
"To fucking stop playing house for two seconds and just tell the truth about how you feel!"
"That's FUCKING RICH coming from you! You kicked me the fuck out from our joint therapy session just so you didn't have to tell me what was going on!"
"Because not everything that is wrong with me is about YOU!"
That was the worst thing she could say to him, considering this was almost exactly what Makoto told him five years ago.
'Sometimes, YOU are the fucking problem.'
"What is it about me that is so bad, then?" He demanded from Sumire, his head clouded with resentment and hurt as he paced around their bedroom.
"The fact that you won't admit that you're obsessed with Makoto!"
Ren stopped in his tracks. "I am with you, not her."
"No, you are physically here, but your heart and mind is always with her." She said with brutal honesty.
The anger left his body a little, but he chose to avert his gaze in shame, inadvertently giving her a confirmation of her own words.
"Ren, I'm going to ask this of you only once, so just tell me the truth. Did anything ever happen between you and Makoto?"
He didn't dare look at her. He couldn't, he-
"Be a man for once, and look me in the eye when you say it. Did it, or did it not?" She demanded.
Ren finally looked up at his wife. "...Yes."
He witnessed the tragic transformation of his wife's face going from anger and righteousness to shock and disbelief, until it settled into betrayal and disillusionment.
"When?" She managed to choke out.
"Almost seven years ago. During our last break before we finally got married. We ended up having sex while drunk." He admitted with defeat and shame, his head hanging low.
His wife stayed eerily silent. When he finally gathered the courage to stare at her again, she was biting her lower lip as if to prevent herself from crying, but tears were leaving her eyes involuntarily.
Seeing her getting hurt for his actions made him feel like an utter bastard, the scum of the earth.
His wife closed her eyes. "Is... Is her child yours?"
"I don't know. She insisted he isn't." He responded, his voice full of doubt and pain.
Sumire opened her eyes again and scoffed. "Did you try to verify it?"
He stayed quiet. She let out a laugh of disbelief.
"Unbelievable. This is just… Why the hell didn't you?"
"She didn't let me." He said helplessly.
"Then you didn't try hard enough. What then Ren? What if he is yours?"
His own heart started to beat painfully against his ribcage.
"He…He can't be." He said in a weak voice. "The dates are close, yes, but…Not quite." He protested.
"Does it matter? He could've been born much earlier than she says he did." Sumire said astutely.
Even he had thought the same, but he didn't dare to believe that Makoto would lie about something so serious.
"That's not an easy lie to elaborate." He insisted.
…Then again, she deceived him as miss Hanna, so maybe-
"He looks slightly like you. And your sister is awfully attached to him." She said, almost echoing his own thoughts.
"He doesn't look that much like me." He protested once again, even though a part of him felt he shouldn't, considering how much he had wanted Aki-kun to truly be his son.
Sumire gave him a pointed, serious look. He sighed.
"And Futaba is…She is just attached to Makoto in general." He said lamely.
That seemed to agitate Sumire, for some reason.
"Of course, you all have a fucking soft spot for her. Even Sojiro."
"She was one of us."
"Right, and I wasn't. I guess that's true." She said bitterly.
"Sumi… You know that's not true, you're-"
She held a hand up. "No. Don't try to placate me. I am well aware of my place in your group. And to be frank, I should have been more honest with myself too. I've never felt as welcomed. Sometimes I feel like even Sae and Maruki have more place in it than I do."
That made him feel devastated. He never wanted for Sumire to feel that way.
And yet…
She wasn't wrong. And it was all because-
"Because I know that my presence there was never enough to abate how much you all missed Makoto." She said, an air of defeat about her.
Ren stayed quiet. Sumire shuddered out an emotional sigh.
He finally tossed the tie somewhere in the room, and sat down in one of the corners of their bed. Sumi sat down on the other one, close and yet far away from him.
"Can't we, for once, be honest with one another?" She asked after a while.
His gaze was averted, and hers, far away.
"Okay." He muttered after a long pause, while sounding defeated and tired.
"...You were wrong for never telling me you slept with Makoto. Even if it was during a break… I deserved to know it. We married each other while I was in the dark about it. And for that, I cannot forgive you." She said firmly, her voice breaking a little.
"...I know." He said, his voice faint as his heart broke.
"But, I also cannot forgive myself if I'm not honest with you at least once."
He looked at her. Sumire also had a tinge of shame and regret on her face.
"I never meant to lead you on in any way, shape or form. But I believe I ended up doing that anyway. I am sorry for not being honest before, but I will be now."
She looked him dead in the eye as her lips and hands trembled. "Ren…Since I was really, really young… I've always had an attraction towards other girls."
At first, he didn't quite process what she said. When he finally let the idea form in his head, he started to feel a little numb.
"...Why did you never tell me?" He whispered, not exactly shocked, but quite disillusioned.
She had tears in the corners of her eyes. "I didn't know for sure. 'Sumire' likes men and women both. But 'Kasumi' liked men, strictly. Are you getting what I mean?"
He stared at her, a mix of pity and hurt on his face.
"Yeah. Is this why your mother… Is that why she treats you so badly?"
She nodded. "Yes. It's also why I hated myself, even before Kasumi died. My mother… She hated the fact that her deviant daughter was the one to survive, instead of the 'normal one'."
That was utterly revolting to hear.
"I'm sorry. I know she is your mother, but she is an utter piece of shit." He said in disgust.
"Yeah. I know." She said sadly, while hugging herself.
Was it all…For nothing?
"Ren…" She started again, after another heavy period of silence.
He held his hand up to interrupt her. Now it was his turn to say his mind.
"I understand why you didn't tell me right away, and why you might've forgotten it…But Sumi, fifteen years…"
Ren felt a strong urge to cry, but held back.
"Fifteen years of our lives Sumi… Was it all for nothing?"
At his disillusioned, sad words, Sumire started to cry earnestly.
He had to be real, now.
"Do you want to know what stands out to me the most at this exact moment? Well… It's that feeling of being stuck. You know, of being suspended in time after a coin has been tossed, just waiting to see what side it'll land on."
Ren's emotions were high, as he wiped a few stray tears that were falling from his eyes.
"The problem, Sumi, is that the coin never does and it keeps on spinning. And I'm honestly getting tired of that. That is no way to live."
His wife looked up to him and her face morphed from sorrow and regret into slight resentment.
"You talk as if I'm the only one keeping the coin afloat. But, time and again, Ren, things didn't work out between us and you insisted on trying!" She said amidst tears.
"Because I believed in us! Was it that really fucking wrong to wanting to try?" He questioned her with desperation.
Silence. They both froze. But instead of cowering and submitting to his words, Sumire stood up for herself.
"That was really the problem all along! Trying! Why do we always have to try? If we do, it's because we never worked out in the first place."
Ren felt as if he was slapped by the truth in her words. And yet…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
"I want a divorce, Ren." Sumire told him firmly. "Because deep down… Deep down I don't wish to commit to this anymore. I want to understand more of my sexuality. And you… You only want Makoto."
With her words, he couldn't contain it anymore.
Ren started bawling his eyes out.
Makoto.
He wanted Makoto.
He really, really wanted her.
He wanted to turn back time and ask her to be his study partner.
Why has he been this fucking stupid for so long? Why did he think Sumire needed him?
What did he throw their happiness away for?
"I don't think we can keep going like this for much longer. Please." Sumire pleaded with him.
He didn't respond with words, just nodded and continued to cry painfully.
A pair of delicate arms surrounded him as she hugged him.
"F-for what is worth… I have loved you. Even if I'm not entirely sure if we had ever been in love with each other all this time…If that makes sense?"
He sniffed out. "I get you… I get you completely… I'm sorry… I'm sorry I threw our happiness away like that."
She cried too and caressed his face. "That's not true at all. You made me very happy, safe and secure. You were there while I healed. And while I'm not one hundred percent there, I hope you know that you have helped me get very close. Thank you Ren, for everything."
"Sumi…" He whispered, a part of him still clinging to what they had, perhaps for fear of the unknown.
He kissed her. A final goodbye, a sign of the love they had shared while it lasted. It wasn't fulfilling, but it was final.
And that's the only way it would be for them.
Sumire touched her forehead with his. "I have a lot of things to figure out now. It wasn't honestly just about us… I think I have to do some thinking and then confront my mother about some deep truths that had held me back all my life… But first, I need to heal."
She smiled at him, a kind, loving one.
"And so do have you. I know what you want, and you know it too. I don't blame you, even though I regret how things went for us both. Just promise me you won't be stuck in this misery forever. Even if that doesn't work out either, please…Work towards finding happiness, and stopping that coin from spinning forever."
He nodded fervently. "I will. I promise."
Her smile was kind, honest and true, even if it was laced with pain and regret.
"Thank you, senpai."
To be continued…