Chapter XVIII

Hyoudou Household

He was going to fight Goku.

He, Issei Hyoudou, in one day's time… would be fighting Son Goku.

Goku.

The very same Goku he'd grown up hearing stories about. Whether it be childhood picture books, puppet shows, television, or video games, there was no escaping the figure of the Monkey King unless you happened to be living under a rock for some reason.

'And I'm supposed to fight him.'

He didn't need to ask why or how.

Having fought a bunch of goddesses over the past month, and then learning about the existence of this weird other side of the world where apparently gods and devils were just a part of life, a character as beloved and as famous as Goku would have to exist.

He just had to!

But still… wasn't it a bit of a tall order?!

This was Goku!

The guy who was unkillable in more ways than he could count on one hand and probably had more powers than he could count, period. Never mind the fact the guy was probably even stronger than what he was in the stories, because if fighting Dusa-chan taught him something, is that all kinds of stories got mixed into Heretic Gods.

"But man… why was she going to fight him? You'd think nobody wants to get in the ring with Goku of all people."

Something sharp prickled him in the side of the abdomen.

"Was that a rhetorical question, honored uncle?"

Ouch.

Oh, right, this was still here.

"Sorry, I was kinda thinking to myself for a bit."

The younger teen nodded.

"It is of no consequence. Relaxing your body makes the process of recovering your stamina easier." The boy, Yinghua, noted as he stuck another acupuncture needle just a few centimeters away from the previous one.

After getting beaten up by his senior campione, dragged around for a meeting with the Occult Research Club, and then told he would be fighting another death match with a god way above his weight class, Issei had been told to go home and heal for the ritual, being escorted by the younger man who apparently was Luo Hao's apprentice.

Who then proceeded to act like it was his job to make sure Issei was presentable.

From cooking for him, to administering medicine to his injuries, to now doing an acupuncture session of all things to help with his 'chi flow' or whatever it was Luo Hao told him to do!

Granted, it was working but Issei couldn't help but wonder how someone younger than him got so good at so many things.

Where did he find the time to learn all of this?

"Well, since you offered… Do you know why she wanted to fight the Monkey King?"

The boy snorted back a laugh.

"Master… happens to be a fan of the Great Sage. She loves challenging herself, and as there are few willing to risk her wrath by challenging her, she often trains alone in the wilderness or behind closed doors. Heretic Gods have learnt of her reputation and tend to avoid her territory, so she only bothers hunting down those who happen to be of interest."

Huh, so she was so strong even the gods supposed to be their natural enemies didn't want to risk it?

Damn, now he was feeling a bit jealous.

"And she thinks she'll find the guy here?"

Yinghua shook his head, a look of annoyance in his eyes.

"Not at all. The Monkey King's heretic self manifested in these lands around… a century ago. It was said that at that time only three Campione existed, and rather than risk all out battle between one of them and this great foe, a powerful emissary was sent to defeat and seal the Heretic God before hiding his prison."

Sealing?

"They didn't kill him?"

"No, simply killing a Heretic as famous and as headstrong as the Monkey King was considered a temporary solution. Imprisoning Heretics and slowly draining their power over time prevents them from manifesting for much longer."

Issei was starting to understand what happened.

A Heretic Son Goku was born. It got beaten up by this super powerful guy sent by Heaven, and then they put the guy in prison so he wouldn't just show up again because that was a thing Heretics could do.

"And they just decided to let him out?"

It didn't explain why he would be fighting the guy tomorrow.

Not when he was supposed to be in prison.

"That is where the Master comes in. She discovered the Heretic Monkey King's whereabouts and sought to obtain the key to releasing him. Because, a fake image or not, there can be no greater rival for herself than the Great Sage Equalling Heaven."

"See, I get that, ah, ah! Sharp!"

"Apologies, Uncle, I was setting your ribs."

"Really? It felt like - ohhhh. That's nice."

After a sharp pinch along his spine, muscles in his chest instantly relaxed, taking pressure off of Issei's side. And while his breathing still hurt a bit, he was able to actually take deep breaths now.

"Many thanks for your praise."

"You know, you don't have to be like that. You made dinner for my parents and Ms. Smith, too, and now they're all drinking together. Though I have no idea why you put her in my bed of all things."

Normally, the teenager might have panicked at the thought of a pretty woman, and a government agent at that, in his room, but things had… changed.

His statuettes were mostly of his own make, though he still kept his more artistic figurines out, too, and his precious treasures were all securely locked up in an actual lockbox. That was the size of the bottom of his closet. And made of solid steel. And had a note taped to the front that read "Property of Issei, Demon King, will kill you if caught breaking into".

Sure, that was a blatant lie, but he figured that was a pretty good way to stop anyone from going snooping through his… private things.

"Ah, I was under the impression she was one of your retainers. Was I incorrect in my assessment?"

Was she?

They worked together, and well… Smith did help smooth things over with his parents. Even if they now thought that Issei was gonna do some sort of magic exam thing tomorrow, as opposed to a life or death fight against one of the most famous childhood heroes to ever exist.

So hey, no pressure.

"Yeah, she's a friend. So thank you for that. Also… when the ritual thing happens tomorrow… would you mind taking my parents out of town?"

He had already lost them once.

There was no way he wanted them in the crossfire of another fight.

"That can be arranged, if it is Uncle's request. I was told to make sure you would be able of body and sound of mind for the battle to come. If evacuating them will help bring peace to your mind then it shall be done." Man, this guy really spoke fancy words despite looking like a middle schooler.

Was he some kind of prince?

"Thanks. You seem like a really nice guy. My… umm… sister must be really proud of you?"

The boy laughed bitterly.

"Oh you don't need to act all that respectful around me. Really, half the reason I have to act like this is because of all the feathers she keeps ruffling. You won't believe how often I've had to negotiate and make nice with people after she was done kicking them around."

Oh…

That sounded like her.

"I'm sorry?"

"Don't be. All in all, I think you've had it rougher than I had. Though somehow you also managed to make Her Eminence respect you… and all it took was kissing her. You do know most people would get killed for that right?"

Issei actually frowned.

"Yeah. The last girl I kissed ended up dying. I hope she doesn't."

That got a small shrug.

"My Master is far, far too frustrating to die from something as simple as this. In fact, such is her nature, that she could seduce the sons of the Lord of Heaven, break their hearts, and then get off with a smack to her knuckles."

"That's… awfully specific."

"It is."

"She doesn't seem like… the type."

"Apparently, the Divine Princes have a type. She is it. And then she beat them up."

"Oh."

"Yes. And when questioned on the situation by the Minister of the West, she declared she had taken no lovers amongst mortals or immortals, for none was her match."

Issei simply took that in.

His mind struggled to grasp that.

In the end, he simply voiced, in a slightly hysterical tone, his sheer awe.

"So Luo Hao is so chuuni she told the gods of China they weren't good enough to date her? And she 'respects' me? And she's my sister!?"

Yinghua gave him a pat on the shoulder.

"Indeed." There was a sudden gust of cool air and the door to his father's office, suddenly converted to a makeshift treatment center for wounded Campione, and the nice boy putting Issei back together clapped his hands. "Ah, Honored Ancestors, Agent Smith. A pleasure."

The teenager squeaked.

"I'm naked!"

"No, I put a towel over you."

"That's not helping Ying! And if you're gonna be a, a, a bad nephew, then I won't let you come hide in Japan when your Master is too much!"

The younger boy clutched his heart theatrically, all the while rolling his eyes.

"I see." The government operative's tone of voice was very carefully neutral. "Issei, if you'd like me to leave…."

"No, well, ah, Mom, Dad, is this important?"

Conflicted, and hoping for a distraction, the young man tried to focus on the other two adults. And not on nice Smith looked in her suit. Or how the large bruise on one side of her face made him feel terribly frustrated. Not… guilty. But frustrated was a good word.

"Well, son, there's… someone at the door for you. He said he's Son Goku. We weren't sure, but, well, Smith said-"

Up, moving, and with the last needles falling from his back, the Campione had a sword manifested in one hand before his father even finished speaking. He moved, fast, faster than he'd ever moved before, and was at the front door, weapon in hand, chant on his lips, and power swelling before… nothing.

"No one's there."

And that's when he realized he was naked.

In front of strangers.

"Eep! Don't look!"

Instead of hundreds of jabbing spears, he used his authority to conjure a thin box of marble around the outside of his body, hands covering up what they could.

His mother simply pinched the bridge of her nose and muttered under her breath.

"How can my son be like that and still peep?"

"Miki, love of my life." His father began. "He's just a bit different is all. In the head, I mean. Only moderately insane. Also, do we want to discuss the magic later?"

"After another bottle of wine."

"That sounds wise."

Now that his parents had come to a mutual agreement that inebriation made a great deal more sense than the world they lived in, the teenager was able to shoo Yinghua and Smith back into the kitchen with them, Yinghua protesting his name was not, in fact, Ying, and Agent Smith just patting his cheek before she left.

The Campione abused his power in response.

"Ying, yes that is your nickname, go make everybody a hotpot since you didn't lock the door. We've got all the ingredients and if I have to give you my bed tonight I want compensation! And no, I'm not making you sleep on the floor, you're a guest. So go."

But with his guests seen to and his parents grappling with the fact their son was a reality warping battle mage of some kind, the teenager decided he would like to get a shower and get dressed.

So when he got to his room, it would be understandable that he was a smidge confused.

'I thought I turned off the lights.'

Opening the door, the Campione suddenly found himself face to face with an even more confusing image.

There was a monkey on his bed.

"Heya kiddo. Mind closing that? It's a bit drafty tonight."

A giant, dressed, talking monkey.

'Uh oh.'

Outskirts of Kuoh

"What do you mean our calls aren't connecting?"

Kaoru was starting to believe she'd been cursed.

She just had to be.

Somehow, in a single week there had been a Campione invasion, a duel to the death with a pair of Heretic Gods, all in the leased city of Kuoh, and now the damn city was cut off!

"Tell the clans that if they don't get their exorcists at their stations in the next ten minutes, I will order the army to purge them as traitors! This is utterly unacceptable. Did I not specifically command that Luo Hao was to be tracked at all times!"

Her underlings were rushing about and panic was filling the entire command center of the HCC.

"Director, we have contact with the first responders! Two police units were lost inside a maze of trees and we've confirmed that it surrounds the entire city!"

"What about drones, aerial reconnaissance, the trackers on the police?"

"They weren't under our command. It was a response from the municipal government asking for help."

"Dammit. Get a unit from the SDF, special forces. Have them go in with chemical lights, flares, and a tracking charm. No electronics. What about first responders at the battle site?"

One of the field commanders pushed past a pack of squabbling diplomats, all of whom were still trying to protest the director's promised extermination of the useless, money grubbing mages, before pressing a tablet into her hands.

"Field team confirmed the prevention of aftershocks and the water-dragons successfully stopped any possible tsunami formation. No casualties, severe environmental damage."

"Loss of wildlife?"

"Significant."

"Blasted Demon Kings. They think a forest is empty, they're just lucky hikers weren't caught in their crossfire and all they crushed were defenseless animals!"

Her anger was building and building… and not because of the delays in her subordinates. They were moving swiftly, with a purpose, following her orders to the letter. But the building, pounding scream in her head was growing to the point of pain.

Blessedly, for her skull if for that reason alone, a seemingly middle aged priest, in worn, threadbare robes, with a beard so long he had it wrapped around one arm thrice, brushed past the clan's representatives - not breaking stride when one went red in the face and refused to bow, only to have his eye plucked out for daring to block the priest's path.

"Lady Kaoru."

He inclined his head exactly three degrees.

She inclined hers fifteen.

"Lord Hermit."

No one cared for the screaming man on the ground behind them, except for a pair of interns that carried him to the medical room, one using a napkin to gingerly pick up the removed eyeball.

"Your visions have confirmed it."

There was no question.

"I see only trees and shadows and hear only screaming… men, beasts, both."

A noise of thoughtfulness that was still heard over the room around them, all of her subordinates having withdrawn to see to their work.

"A forest with screaming beasts. And the obsession of the little girl from the mainland. You know this answer."

Her eyes went wide.

"She unleashed the Heretic Monkey King. And the forest is setting up the borders of his new Mountain."

A shake of the head.

"It is merely a foundation. Not a limiting factor. Her test, such as it is, would be too easy for the young man. And she is far too rude to consider that she is a guest in another's land."

"By the Gods… it's going to spread."

"If the young man does not perform his appointed task, yes."

They were already having issues stabilizing the flow of mana in the land, and the earlier battle had caused tremors that were mistaken for a small earthquake in the surrounding areas. Now, they had to find a way to solve this situation before the outside world noticed Kuoh had been swallowed up by a giant forest that grew overnight.

"Have we gotten an answer from the Emperor's liaison?"

One of her aides stepped forward, uneasy.

"They have reported that the Emperor has made arrangements to contact Takamagaraha. In the meantime, he has given us leave to unseal one of the Tenka Goken should the situation grow beyond our ability to control."

Kaoru sighed.

They would need way more than a few holy swords to handle this mess. If Kuoh didn't go back to normal by tomorrow, they would need to employ drastic measures to make sure the populace didn't notice.

But even that wouldn't be as troublesome as the arrival of a god.

Right now Kuoh was a powder keg, with two god slayers, a heretic, as well as the relatives of two Satans inside, the last thing she wanted was to add another god into the mix. If they didn't handle this situation with care, there wouldn't be a city left by the end of it.

"Director." Ignoring the Lord Hermit, and risking a rather gruesome punishment in the process, an incredibly pale aide stepped up and handed her a small, magical mirror. "It is a priority one call."

Feeling a little faint at this point, the poor, prankster of a Hime-Miko, who had surely never done anything to deserve a life as exciting as this, immediately dropped into a forty five degree bow.

"Director Kaoru, We are most pleased that your forces are responding with all due haste. But We must caution you that there is greater trouble afoot."

Her arm wanted to tremble as she held the hologram out in front of her, remaining at attention.

Ostensibly, both she and Lady Yasaka were part of the same council and, in theory, equals before greater authority.

Reality, however, begged to disagree.

The Leader of the Kyoto Faction of Youkai was one of the few who possessed the power and influence to match that of a god on earth. While it might be blasphemous of her as a priestess to admit, there was a difference between dispassionate missives sent from a higher, faceless authority, and someone who could appear before her.

As such, she endeavored to be as polite as possible before the nine-tailed fox.

They might very well need her aid by the end of this mess.

"Blessed Lady, if I may, what has troubled you so?"

Lord Hermit, who had bowed as well, only rose when she gave him leave, though the staff and attendants had all withdrawn, leaving the three leaders alone in a rather crowded, busy room.

And not a single one would breathe a word of what was said.

"We were… unpleasantly surprised to find that the Sage Who Defies Heaven managed to infiltrate our personal quarters. And it was most definitely the true one. His comments were… particularly forward and we have not forgotten his personality."

Her mouth was slightly downturned and the old monk instinctively inched a hand towards where he once carried a sword. Kaoru was personally glad he no longer bore that weapon, though he didn't particularly have need of it, either, but mostly she was confused.

"If the foreign intruders planned this, could one or the other be a distraction?"

Lady Yasaka's ears twitched.

"The old sage did not make mention of it when confronted. We are inclined to believe this was merely an act of mischief with no real intent. However, that does not mean his presence here is without cause."

Kaoru knew there were no coincidences in the world they lived in.

"Luo Hao, one of his former apprentices, is present in Kuoh and scrying performed by one of my fellow Hime-Miko confirmed by Lord Hermit foresees that she will soon perform a ritual to release his Heretic self."

The look of unease on Lady Yasaka's face mirrored her own.

Son Goku's arrival might very well provide the spark to turn what was previously a dangerous situation into an all out incident, without knowing what the man planned to do, they were left with guess work.

Only now with much bleaker outlooks.

"I will be preparing a shikigami and sending it to you. Unfortunately, I cannot go myself… but I trust you will use it wisely should there be need."

Kaoru thanked the heavens for the older woman.

Though they might not always see eye to eye, or even hold the same priorities, neither one of them wanted to see the fragile peace they now enjoyed shattered into a thousand pieces because of that muscle headed cultivator from the mainland.

Though it left them with many questions unanswered.

Just what was the Monkey King hoping to achieve?

What was his plan?

"Oi, oi boyo, close the door already. You're letting the heat out!"

Issei blinked once.

Then twice.

Rubbed his eyes just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"You deaf or something, kiddo? Close the door, will ya?"

Yup, the monkey was still on his bed. Never mind the fact that he was sipping from one of his dad's fancy beer cans or munching on the pack of barbecue chips Issei had stashed on his bottom shelf, the utterly random request and circumstances caused his brain to stall.

For all of a second before memories of his earlier conversation with Yinghua came to mind and a baseball bat of marble manifested in his hands.

Only to immediately shatter with a flick of the monkey's finger.

From his bed.

On the other side of the room.

Without a hint of anything actually having happened but the monkey man flicking his finger.

Yup, this was definitely him.

"You know, I've heard there was this whole thing about respecting elders nowadays. Can't say you're living up to the expectations, boyo."

Issei swallowed dry.

"You're… Goku, right?"

The man reached into the bag of chips, throwing a handful into his mouth.

"What gave it away? The crown? The tail? My rugged good looks. But yes, that is one of my many, many names." Not even caring Issei had pulled out a weapon on him a moment ago, the Monkey King sipped from the pricey beer in large gulps.

His dad would have wept at the sight.

Issei decided then and there to close the door, lest one of the adults pass by and realize a god had snuck into their house. There was no way he was having a fight when his stash was right under the guy.

"So uh… are you here to fight me? Cuz I was expecting to get at least a nice night's sleep before that."

The old monkey snorted.

"Fight you? Now why would I do something like that? Do you wanna get your scrawny, hairless ass kicked that much?"

Okay, now he was confused.

"That… wasn't what that crazy lady said though. She said I was gonna be fighting you tomorrow at sunrise or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention and she just started speaking about poetry and all the ways she was nice to me for letting it happen."

The Monkey King looked at him for a moment, before nodding gravely.

"That does sound like Cuilian. Although… I didn't expect her to let someone else take part in whatever silliness she was about to do."

"Cuilian?"

He rolled his eyes.

"You'd know her as Luo Hao, the biggest thorn on the divine's ass in… however many years it has been since I was young. Really, when I saw you two fighting it out in the woods I half expected needing to jump in, but somehow you got that knucklehead to respect you. Speaking of which…"

Popping his back, the old timer wiped his fingers on the very, very expensive looking robe he was wearing before patting him on the shoulder playfully.

"Nice going there, champ. Nabbed her on the lips and survived to tell the tale. Last guy who tried that ended up in knots."

Issei had so many questions.

But he'd better start from the beginning.

"So you're not here to fight me? But she said…"

"That you'd have to fight 'Sun Wukong', right?"

The campione nodded.

"When she said that, she probably meant that knockoff that I punted across the horizon a century or so ago. A heretic god just like the ones you dealt with earlier. As for me? Well, it turns out that you're looking at the genuine article." Sitting cross legged on his mattress, the man's tail lashed out to grab another can of beer.

Not that Issei cared.

He was too busy gawking.

"You are… the real Goku?"

"Yup, in the flesh. With warts, fur, and all. Sorry I'm not blonde, by the way, that's a bit of a recent addition."

That called for another deep breath.

"Ok. That still doesn't answer why you're here. Or that you have no interest in doing anything other than stealing from my dad."

He looked pointedly at the pile of empty cans.

"Oi, oi, oi. What's with all the hostility? I mean, if you want I can try and go wild instead? I still have it in me to be rowdy from time to time, just ask that fox girl from Kyoto. Chased me all over town, she did."

The teenager bit back his instinctive response, because that would probably just cause trouble for everyone, but he did not appreciate the fact the Victorious Fighting Buddha was dead serious.

"Please don't do that."

"Hah." Leaning back, Sun Wukong continued his snacking. "No worries, boyo."

Rubbing his face for a moment, the Campione considered his options. And none of them seemed immensely appealing at the moment. Especially because he was still incredibly frustrated by this deity's genuinely incredible inaction.

"So, well, with all due respect, why aren't you, I don't know, keeping Luo Hao from beating up random strangers?"

That got a bark of laughter.

"Because you aren't some random stranger, are you?. You're a godslayer, a demon king, or whatever other silly little title the mortals have decided to slap you with. Plus, you know, you're the local boss. It is your job to deal with troublemakers like Cuilian." The monkey scratched his chin. "Even if that shitty brat is theoretically my apprentice."

Wait what?

"Apprentice?" He tried not to squeak out.

He should have seen it coming.

"Well, since you're her teacher… do you have any tips on how to deal with this mess?" He kept his voice low, trying not to yell at the top of his lungs. Because he could have really gone with the advice a couple hours ago.

And really, he still could use the help.

The Sage scratched his beard idly.

"Well, if you're asking how to beat that Heretic she's planning to throw at you… I guess kicking him through a mountain a couple times works? That's about the only thing I remember of that fight. As for Luo Cuilian… well, maybe you'll figure something out if I tell you a couple things? It ought to help you with that big test tommorow, maybe."

Maybe?!

The Monkey King patted the spot on the bed next to him.

"Well, what are you waiting for? It's not everyone you get Goku to tell you a bedtime story, you know."

Issei promptly sat down, giddily.

Hey, don't look at him like that. Anyone would do it in his place!